I feel this chapter took me forever to write, which I blame completely on my new schedule, and maybe affects the mood of the story as I wrote it over several days. But you let me know, as always, what you make of it.
In another life. I would be your girl
We'd keep all our promises
Be us against the world
In another life, I would make you stay
So I don't have to say you were
The one that got away
Katy Perry, "The one that got away"
59. I WILL REMEMBER THIS MOMENT FOR THE BOTH UF US
She should have known better, but the result of not noticing Bonnie's presence is this, being ambushed and held prisoner by vervain-soaked chains. It's such an unoriginal way to weaken a vampire.
"You know this isn't going to work, right?" She scoffs, seeing that Stefan is determined to stay in this room with her. "It didn't work last time, and it won't work now."
So what if her mom is dead and she couldn't save her? She already knows what those last words would have been, and besides, she's been an orphan for far too long. Why would she care for something that happened decades ago?
So what if Stefan is in front of her, alive and not in a tomb like he will eventually end up again? Right now he's just an eyesore, and promises from yesterday don't count when he's not the same version of the man she made those oaths to.
"I don't believe it. I know the real you is here, somewhere, and I'm not going to leave you until I get you back."
She throws her head back and smirks.
"Whatever. I might just desiccate here, I don't care. I've gone through worse."
He looks genuinely upset. Nice.
"So, you were with Silas this whole time?"
Why does he ask something he already knows? Obviously, she wouldn't be able to hide from Bonnie for so long if this wasn't the case.
"He's fun, from time to time." She shrugs it off. "Mentally disturbed people like us tend to get along."
"But now you're on your own."
"And wouldn't you like to know why?"
Caroline judges that it's been at least three days without drinking blood, because she's starting to get dizzy, and very, very hungry.
"I'm more curious about why you came to Italy."
Hasn't he read her diary already?
She closes her eyes. "I'm tired of wasting my words with you. I'm going to sleep."
He says he'll wait, and waiting he does. Every day he comes back, the persistent ghost that won't let her be.
"I don't think you completely shut down your emotions, or you wouldn't be here, to one of the many reminders of promises I broke."
"You are so annoying. The person I wrote about isn't you, obviously. Didn't you get that part?"
"But you're still angry at me."
"I'm not angry, Stefan. I'm just so done with having the same conversation over and over again. Why don't you send Bonnie instead? Can I at least have some variety here?"
He walks closer, kneeling in front of her, and his fingers grazing hers as he looks for something in her eyes that he won't be able to find.
"I'm sorry you suffered so much, Caroline. I'm sorry I couldn't do-
"Ugh, just stop, okay? This is exactly what I was saying, it wasn't you? But clearly, your martyr complex cannot let it go, you have to own it and be responsible for just everything that happens around you, don't you?"
And this is why, this is why he left her alone.
"I know all those memories are real to you, and I have no way of understanding what you are going through. But I promise I'm going to stand by you at every step, and you are going to make it through everything. I know you will, because you are one of the strongest people I've ever known."
"I don't care."
"But I do. I love you."
Green eyes that look at her with adoration. Caroline has been at the receiving end of that gaze for so many months, and yet she cannot get used to it. He looked at her like that the first time they kissed (on the night they met to run away from the Traveler's spell, and on that day in the porch of her dad's cabin).
He also looked at her like that when he left her in that hospital room, and when they stood under the mistletoe their last Christmas together, or when he went to fucking kill himself without doing as much as tell her the truth about what he was planning to do.
"You always say that. That you love me. I don't want your love, Stefan. I cannot even love yourself, and what am I left with in the end? When will be the next time you think you have to stay in a prison world for Damon, or for Elena, or even for me. When will be the next time you turn yourself in exchange for someone else? Thank you, but I'll pass."
And this is him just looking at her, touching her just so slightly, and creating havoc in her mind.
She uses her knees to push him away, and Stefan looks dejected.
"I never left." He exhales loudly, eyes frowning even more. "You know I did it for you. I went to the prison world to rescue my brother, yes, but also to help our friend, your best friend, and make things right for all of us. And I came back. I cannot fight those memories you have, but I am asking you to give us a chance. I'll fight to be the man you deserve."
"…Until the day I die."
A ring that went back and forth so many times that it should have been a sign in itself.
The school hall when she saw him for the first and for the last time.
A stupid voicemail as the only mean to say goodbye.
Caroline winces, the words are resonating in her head in a way that physically hurts.
"SHUT UP!"
"Caroline."
It's too late to stop it now, and the tears come flowing down, because no matter how hard she tries, this is also something she can't change. She loves Stefan Salvatore.
His arms wrap her in an embrace, so tightly that they might as well be melting into each other.
"It's going to be okay. I promise."
"You can't-"
But it's her who can't even finish the sentence, words abandoning her as she attempts to say something coherent. These feelings, they are just too much.
Because she's carried the pain of two lifetimes with her, but she also carries the love of two lifetimes, having fallen in love with the same man over and over again. The only way to endure this is to hold onto hope. Hope that things will be better this time, and it's true because they have gone through so much already. Holding the past against her is tiring, and it's also unfair to Stefan.
He is here, with her.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything."
His hands caress her head with tenderness.
"All that matters is that you are here right now. You are safe, and you are with me." Stefan smiles reassuringly. "We are going to get through this, Caroline."
Her mom had believed the same. That she could go through this, that she was strong enough. But what has she done? Just repeating the mistakes from the past.
"Glad to see you are yourself again," Bonnie says, helping her dry her hair with a soothing touch.
Now she's drank blood and gotten a bath, and looks like a person once more, but Caroline stares at her reflection and isn't sure what 'being herself' means now.
"I'm sorry, Bonnie. You were dragged to another rescue mission again."
"This is what friends are for." Bonnie smiles, "and taking aside your disappearance act and how worried we all were about you, you managed to stay remarkably under control for a non-humanity vampire. That's what everyone is saying."
Did she?
She gulps, and the numbness is replaced by horror.
Switching it off, asking Klaus to compel her, running away with Silas, making out with him… God, what was she thinking?
All of it screams 'not-under-control-at-all'.
Paying attention to their surroundings, Caroline checks if Stefan is around. He's right outside Bonnie's suite, pacing quite loudly.
She's been away for a month and a half. How much has happened back at home during that time?
"Is Jo okay?"
That must be the case. Kai is dead, and Luke was forced to merge with his sister instead, but Jossie and Lizzie should be alright. The girls that will never be hers.
"Elena and I are planning her bachelorette party. Luckily, you are not going to miss the wedding after all."
Caroline sighs in relief.
"Thank you, Bonnie. I'm going to sleep for a while. Before we head to the airport."
She curls up in bed when her friends leave her on her own, and calls Stefan back in a whisper. As much as she needs to sort out her feelings and her thoughts, she also needs his company right now.
There's so much to say, and she doesn't even know where to start.
"Hey." He sits by her side on the bed, but where he'd been pushing her buttons and getting physically closer to her hours ago, when he was trying to make her turn it back on, now his every move feels tentative, as if trying to decide where they stand in front of each other.
God, he read her diary.
It suddenly sinks in, and this is not at all the same as her telling her the bits of memories she was confident enough to share. No, this is her recalling a future-past through the lenses of her teenage self. Even if he has been her boyfriend for almost a year now, and they have been friends for even longer, and he has seen more sides of her than any other person in her life… Caroline would have never, on her own free will, let him know about all of that.
And since she is, after all, a twenty-year old college student and not a forty-something mom, the fact that Stefan knows she's contemplated a whole future together, down to the wedding and honeymoon, it's excruciating.
"I'm sorry, Stefan."
"Why are you apologizing?" He covers her hands with his. "Caroline, no one could ever blame you for trying to make the pain go away. And you know I have no authority to judge anyone, considering my past."
She sits straight, her legs brushing his, and she bites her lower lip.
"I don't know if I'll ever be able to separate these… memories from our reality. It's not fair to you."
"That's okay. Caroline, the most important thing hasn't changed."
Stefan has always been the one to say it first, but the truth is that he doesn't have to say it, because she knows.
Her fingers intertwine with his as she closes the distance between them, and meets his lips in a soft, tender kiss.
"I love you too."