A/N: Too late for Christmas…but Happy New Year, everyone!

Chapter 17

The Yuy estate had all of the luxuries of the nobility – and the exact same atmosphere as a high school.

Gossip was inevitable in every workplace, and though most of the staff called this place home, it was still where they were employed. Despite passing out in the study early in the evening, by the time I was woken up the next morning by gentle knocking on the door – it was obvious the entire estate knew about my little fallout with Hilde and the others.

Melissa, one of my three personal maids, was the one knocking politely at the study room door. The fact that Hilde was nowhere nearby meant that, at the very least, she was taking my words from last night to heart and not showing me her face.

"Your Grace, shall I prepare a bath?" Melissa asked, face and tone perfectly neutral.

I bit down on the urge to sigh. Of course after my little blowup, everyone was back to walking on eggshells. If I was more awake, I'd definitely be annoyed.

"Yeah," I answered her with none of my usual cheer. "Can you pick out something simple for me to wear today? I think I'll just be staying inside."

Melissa's lips wobbled for a moment, but she quickly resumed her composure. "Right away, Your Grace," she mumbled.

I followed her back to my bedroom and into the connected bathing room, where both Kaori and Coralina were waiting. They didn't say much of anything, a silent tension enveloping us as they quickly but gently helped me undress. Stripped down to only my undergarments and avoiding looking at their faces, I felt Kaori's hands at the back of my neck as she went to take off the strange choker wrapped around my throat.

"Leave it," I told her briskly.

Kaori stilled, hands quickly retracting. "Your Grace?"

"I'll bathe with it on." The idea of anyone's hands being so close to my throat didn't sit well with me.

They didn't try to argue it, as Hilde definitely would have had she been present. Instead, I took off the last bit of my clothing and sunk into the warm bathwater. I'd already quickly grown accustomed to being helped to bathe, although I had set my foot down early on so that I was the only one sponging myself. The girls quickly busied themselves, Melissa adding fragrances to the water – peppermint oil this time, another gift courtesy of the perfume peddler Gilbert – as the other two went to arrange my outfit for the day.

Now that I was soaking in the water, I felt like I was truly waking up. I was usually quick to rise but today I just felt so lethargic when I first opened my eyes; now, though, it was like I became acutely aware of everything. I could even tell that it was Sayaka hovering just outside of the closed bathroom window, although I couldn't quite make out her figure.

I guess peppermint oil really does rejuvenate you. Maybe I'll place a large order next time and make it my part of my morning ritual.

They helped me out of the bath in short order, and I pulled on the bathing robe and stepped out into my bedroom where my actual clothes for the day awaited. Melissa had kindly followed my instructions and chosen something comfortable: a dark blue tunic with golden trim and white pants. I wanted to do my own hair today, but at their crestfallen looks, I relented enough to allow Coralina to brush my hair as the other two tidied up around the room.

Every time the comb snagged on another tangle, I made another mental note to check on Gilbert's progress with creating hair conditioner. It didn't help that Coralina looked as if she wanted to throw herself out the window each time as well.

"Will you…" Please chill, I wanted to beg, but the words wouldn't come out of my throat because all three girls just froze in expectant terror at the beginning of my statement. "Look – I'm not mad at you, okay?"

This got me a round of wide-eyed stares.

"So you can relax, you're not in trouble or anything. I'm just… I'm just a bit tired today…"

Still nothing from my three little audience members. I could feel my irritation rising at their inaction, although some part of me couldn't help but be impressed at the sheer amount of backsliding I had unintentionally caused. So if I snap back even a little, it's like other-me was reborn in their eyes?

I gently took the hairbrush from Coralina's hands. "I think I'll get ready by myself today," I told them. I had no plans to meet anyone, let alone really leave the confines of my study – so there was no need to look extravagant.

"But Your Grace—"

"It's fine, I promise!" I said with a smile. "Just leave my breakfast by the door."

There wasn't much they could do when the orders came from me, although their reluctance was surprising. They trailed out of the room with hesitant steps, their backward glances so reminiscent of Quatre's expression from last night that I had to turn away first. Once the door clicked shut behind them, I set the hairbrush down on my vanity and finally took a long look at myself in the mirror.

The collar of my tunic sat low enough on my throat that the choker was in full view. I'd gotten a look last night, but the flickering illumination from the fireplace and my own turbulent emotions had colored it…darker, somehow.

In the light of day, it was like I was taking my first good look; it was a beautiful piece of jewelry, not as ostentatious as most of other-me's accessories had been. It rested snugly against my throat, so comfortable that it was astonishing. I'd rarely worn chokers before and always thought it would feel more like a collar around my throat, yet this pearl-laden necklace was almost comforting in its weight, a steady, centering presence despite the most recent eye-opening changes.

Almost reluctantly, I traced my fingertips along its beaded lines to the clasps resting against my nape. I had just barely tapped the cool, flat box clutches before the choker sagged open and I caught it before it could fall onto the top of the vanity I was leaned over.

I examined it closely. It felt heavy in my hands, heavier than it had around my neck, and yet was still warm from my own body heat. I knew it was odd that this had somehow been put on me, likely from the time I had passed out in the Church – but I still didn't want to let it go.

I know I should tell someone. But who? Hilde and Howard were both out of the question; Meilan and Quatre were probably still upset that I had kicked them out of the room last night, and it was clear from the behavior of Kaori and the others that everyone believed the other-me had come back in full.

I don't think it was dangerous or anything. I don't remember the novel ever mentioning anything about magic, let alone cursed jewelry. It had also come off super easily, so it wasn't like someone had just snapped a collar around my throat. I couldn't really explain why the strange guy in the church had knocked me out and given me jewelry, but honestly – weirder things have happened.

I wrapped the choker once more around my throat.

Wandering around the estate grounds did little to clear my thoughts; instead, it brought me back to those early days when I first arrived, Hilde a silent shadow behind me as I explored this new place everyone seemed adamant I called home.

I walked alone now. Well, as alone as I could get anyway – Mifune and Berion were just around the corner, ghosting my trail but staying out of my eyesight. I wonder if, just like the household staff who avoided my eyes and rushed quietly down the manor halls, they also believed other-me had returned and thought it best to stay as far as they could away from me.

I didn't let it hurt.

I followed the garden pathways down their winding trails, the air cold as I breathed it into my lungs. Nothing bloomed in the garden now, winter laid heavy along the grounds, and the little herb garden I'd secretly tended now harvested. I didn't have a garden back home in NYC, not even a little window box planter or potted plant; I had been trying my hardest just to keep myself alive and didn't have much time or energy to spare something else.

It was funny, then, how other-me favored plants enough to spend time in the greenhouse on the Yuy estate. He'd spent so much time there that it's where he met his end, late at night with nothing more than a fallen lantern. I wonder if he regretted how he'd treated Heero's people, if he heard their shouts from outside the roaring fire as they tried to save him; I wonder if he was at least happy that he died in the one place in the Yuy estate he seemed to like, or if he thought it bitter irony; I wonder if he prayed to the Harvester in his last moments, never knowing his body would be taken by an impostor.

There was a quiet shift of air paces behind me; I glanced back reflexively, eyes raking over the quiet and empty courtyard. The Duchess Guard must really be slacking in training lately if even I could hear them moving about now.

I stopped in front of the greenhouse. It was still in shambles; the wooden frame was charred black, most of it in pieces scattered inside its small plot of land. The glass had been removed for months now, taken away by servants after the fire had been extinguished. The remnants of what had been inside – ashes upon ashes upon dirt – laid there still, only kept within what remained of the skeleton.

Howard had asked me once, days before I'd gone down to Ishigaki Village and inadvertently saved Meilan from her fate, if I wanted to rebuild it. On one hand, Heero would be shocked to see it gone; I remember he'd taken Relena there once to show her the blooming flowers he'd personally raised.

I wonder what it means, that he would rebuild the thing that killed his first spouse. That he would grow something delicate and beautiful inside it, so unlike the late Duchess that it could only be considered cruelty.

But Heero was too kind to be cruel, too good to have done something so petty on purpose.

Perhaps Heero had not been the one to rebuild it at all.

There is no snow laid thick across the courtyard, but the cold permeates the ground with a sort of muted chill that causes sounds to reverberate all the more loudly. I hadn't noticed it before, but it seems to echo now – deft footfalls at a sedate pace, closing the distance between where I stand and the one coming up behind me.

I know who it is before I turn around.

"A bit too chilly for a garden stroll, isn't it?" The words rolled off my tongue with the same amount of warmth as today's weather, an almost-mocking copy of when they had been said to me just a month ago.

Quatre hardly blinked. "Yes, Your Grace," he agreed, his voice earnest and a thousand times warmer.

I remembered Catherine's words from the time I stayed at the barn, about Quatre's multiple attempts to reconcile the volatile other-me with the Yuy estate's people. Is this what he'd looked like, what he'd sounded like, as he tried to hold out the olive branch to someone who would sooner see it burn than take it?

"And yet here you are," I continued dryly.

"And here I am."

I resolutely turned my back on him, eyes returning to the remains of the greenhouse. God, talking to him while I was still processing was exhausting. How did anyone ever fight with Quatre? Come to think of it, I don't think any of the protagonists did, and I was starting to see why.

I wondered for a brief moment if I was being unfair. It wasn't as if Quatre had deliberately lied to me; he had never talked to me about religion, Heero's or my own, and he never encouraged me to go to the church yesterday. He'd spent the majority of the day working in his study, as far as I'd been aware, and I hadn't even seen him until that night.

But even if we had seen each other before then – would he have told me? Would he have mentioned that the Duo Maxwell that had existed previously followed a different faith, that I should only have been going to that church as a courtesy? Or would he have smiled and said nothing, as I prayed to something that no soul in this body had ever worshipped?

I hated this distrust, hated second-guessing everyone's motivations. It felt too familiar, too common an element in the life I'd lived before I came here and something I thought I'd left behind. I didn't like returning to it while everyone else got to live out a romance novel.

"Did Heero really care that much?" I asked, breaking the quiet atmosphere myself since Quatre didn't seem inclined to, and I'd rather not just stand here silently as he hovered behind me. "That we didn't share the same beliefs?"

Maybe Heero did – maybe that was another sticking point in the relationship between him and other-me, another strike against them both.

"…No. From what I understood, Your Grace being a follower of the Harvester was one of the reasons the Duke agreed to the marriage."

I blinked in surprise, turning back around to look at the blonde. Quatre's eyes were locked on the charred remains of the greenhouse as he continued, "There were many points of contention between Your Grace and His Grace the Duke, but your beliefs were not among them."

Yeah, I bet we had enough things to be angry about without adding religion to the mix.

"Even as a follower of the Harvester, you paid the occasional visit to Peacemillion churches in order to fulfill your duties as Duchess of the Yuy province – such as observing the donations of funds or art pieces to their places of worship. It would only have been unusual for you to enter their prayer room, and His Grace the Duke had ensured that would never have been asked of you."

"Until yesterday, you mean," I muttered, mostly to myself.

Quatre heard anyway because of course he did – god forbid any of these people don't develop advanced hearing for the sole purpose of being able to hear my discontented grumbles. "Yes, until yesterday," he agreed lowly.

…Why did his voice sound a bit ominous?

"You have every right to be angry. With Hilde and Howard," Quatre's eyes moved back to meet mine. "And with myself."

My fists clenched at those words, not expecting the validation. Howard and Hilde had been the ones to directly lie to me, both in gestures and omittance of crucial information, but I hadn't been sure of Quatre's stake in the issue.

"Did you know?" I asked with forced calm.

Quatre's expression turned inwards, evoking that same measured ease that he used to approach distressing situations. It was a bit funny that just him conversing with me could pull up the same emotion he had when attempting to behead local gangsters. "I didn't know they never told you about your usual routine at Peacemillion churches. I didn't know they'd implied that you were more than just a respectful outsider to their practices, I didn't know that you'd never been told about Peacemillion or the Harvester," he answered.

I scoffed, turning back around to the wreck that should have killed me. "Sounds like you didn't know anything then. Why are you trying to take on the blame?"

"Because I did know you."

My body locked in place. The words sounded heavy with an emotion I couldn't quite identify – guilt? Exhaustion?

"I know you're a follower of the Harvester. I know you have amnesia. I know you felt guilty, felt responsible for things you can't even remember doing. I know how you relied on those around you – like Hilde, Howard, myself, Lady Meilan, your knights and your servants. I know that reliance built a friendship between you and us that laid trust as its foundation."

Quatre finally closed the short distance between us, drawing up to stand beside me before the remains of the greenhouse. His eyes had moved away from me once more, looking at the charred skeleton before us.

"There were so many things I knew before it came to this, so many things I could have put together. I should have realized what was happening before it did," Quatre admitted. "But I—didn't. And that was my fault, and I am sorry for it."

I couldn't help but look at him then. Not the glances I'd indulged in previously, but a closer examination; in the cool air of daylight, it was easier to see how tired he looked. Although he maintained his elegant posture, his face set in careful neutrality – I could see the emotional exhaustion, as if he really had been stewing over the 'should-haves' and 'could-haves' all night long.

Quatre Winner in the novel was a character known for his strategic mind and empathetic personality. He battled his enemies with both his blades and his wits; he was supportive and kind to his friends, often giving both the male and female lead helpful advice to guide them the right way in their romance.

If he'd been older, he would have been the stereotypical mentor figure. He was hardly ever taken by surprise; even rarer was he shown stressed by the circumstances the intrepid heroes found themselves in, both in and outside of battle. He was kind, intelligent, and reasonable.

So why the hell was he blaming himself for all of this?

"Quat, I don't mean to insult you or anything, but that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."

Quatre blinked.

"You basically admitted you had no idea about any of this, but still think you should be included in the blame game because you blame yourself for not knowing?" I snorted. "What next, should I also blame you for there being no air in space?"

Quatre's eyes widened in bewilderment. "What do you mean there's no air in—"

"So what I'm saying is, you're really not to blame for this and I'm sorry for blowing up on you last night," I steamrolled over him. Holy shit, maybe I need to spend more time looking into their scientific discoveries after all before I start revealing things I shouldn't know. I really didn't need to add 'possibly experiencing visions from the future' included in my biography here. "I won't apologize for what I said because, well, I did mean it… And parts of it were very true, you know… But even though I was upset, I shouldn't have taken it out on Meilan or you. It wasn't your fault."

If we're really going to cast blame around, then it would lay mostly on my shoulders. I should have been asking about my religious beliefs first, instead of waiting around for someone to point me in the right direction.

"It's not your fault either, Your Grace," Quatre said.

Gah. "You really have to stop reading my mind, Quatre."

A small smile poked out from his lips then. We spent a moment quietly together, our apologies mingling in the winter air. It felt strangely comforting – knowing that despite the way I reacted last night, despite how the shadow of the other-me still hangs over all of my interactions with the people in the estate, despite the cold frost in my words before – Quatre still believed in me.

"I can't actually read minds, you know," Quatre murmured.

I couldn't help letting out a huff I amusement. I already knew that, but his ability came damn well close.

"Sometimes I can just…tell how others may feel," he continued absently. "Like a brush of heat for anger, or a cold pang for fear. It's not always easy or clear, but sometimes if it's strong - I can tell."

That made sense. He wasn't infallible, but his empathy was still almost supernatural in a sense; he could be lied to about the facts and circumstances, but not about the emotional contexts. And he had enough emotional intelligence to be able to gauge people outside of his empathic abilities, taking in body language and facial expressions, to at least make accurate guesses on their ideas and motivations.

Quatre continued on, "You feel so different now, compared to you from before."

The words struck me like lightning. Don't tell me he can actually tell I'm a completely different person!

"R-Really? I guess I'm a bit easier to handle now, right? Ha ha…"

Quatre paused for a long moment. His stare resumed its match with the greenhouse as if seeing something else in its place. I felt a little offended he hadn't immediately agreed; okay yeah, I tended to get into a lot of trouble, but I was a very friendly person otherwise!

"You were not… easy to get along with," Quatre agreed slowly. "But even then, I did not dislike you, Your Grace."

Some of the doubt must have shown in my face, as he continued. "I did not have the chance to get to know you before you married the Duke, and afterward, you never really allowed anyone the chance to do so. You were… You were very angry, even during your own wedding."

I winced. I guess it was too much to hope that, at the very least, Heero's wedding ceremony had gone smoothly.

"Your actions were sometimes cruel – but your words always were. You never picked up a blade, but even so, you found a way to draw blood," Quatre said. "No one was spared. Not the Duke, not his friends, not the servants."

It was no wonder Quatre had thought the amnesia feigned – how does anyone come back and grow from a hate like that? It had been so striking that the blonde had initially believed I had been faking amnesia all along just so that I wouldn't have to explain myself and deal with the repercussions. Without wiping the slate clean, how could I go about making amends to the volumes of people that I had hurt?

"I'm not that… I'm not like that anymore," I choked out, just trying to swallow the sheer magnitude of other-me's hatred. Was it really just Heero's perceived inferiority that generated such malignant fury?

"You're not," he agreed. "I think that's one of the first things that struck me when I first encountered you after I returned. You were—happy, content in a way I'd never seen before."

It was a strange thing to hear after a whole night and morning spent just stewing in my misery. Before last night, I guess I had felt much more at ease here; the world and society may be new to me, but all of my immediate needs were being met and with my inclination for development and research, I found ways to put myself to use. It felt completely different from how I lived back in my old life.

"After last night, were you… were you worried, that who I was had come back?" I couldn't help but ask. Isn't that what everyone here always worried about, when it came to down to it? A return to the time before I had arrived?

That's why I always had to be careful with how I conducted myself, even in this place that was supposed to be home. When any wrong word or action could be misconstrued as anything less than positivity, I knew those around me would be reminded of the true Duchess.

Quatre's expression did something complicated, more pained at some thought he couldn't quite articulate. "I worried for you, Your Grace. I worried that you felt betrayed by our misguided attempts at loyalty and our inaction, that it made you feel that you had no choice but to become hardened and cold once more, if only to defend yourself."

He looked again at the greenhouse, and it occurred to me that what he saw in its remains wasn't simple ruin, but what I saw: carnage. There was no altering the fact that the greenhouse fire had changed the course of our combined history, although I was far more aware of just how much. Even then, Quatre understood that the fire had taken the Duo Maxwell he'd known; it may not have been through death as it had been in the novel, but the person standing before him was changed all the same.

"It wasn't hatred that made you spiteful, Your Grace," Quatre murmured. "It was sorrow. You felt abandoned and alone, and not one person could convince you otherwise."

I took a couple of days for myself before my next encounter. It seemed exhaustive to dwell so much on what had happened after that long talk with Quatre, and I still hadn't felt ready to deal with it immediately. So I took some time for myself, just not thinking about it at all; instead, I walked the length of the gardens with Quatre at my side, musing over what new crops I intended to plant after winter turned to spring. I talked with a couple of shopkeepers during my weekly jaunt to the town square and got them interested in selling the newest writing utensil ("It's called a pen," I repeated tiredly. The shopkeeper, Fritz, continued clicking the pen in awe.) I finally got a connection to a reliable glassblower and managed to wrangle out the location of bamboo (native to only a few provinces in Sanc, the Yuy dukedom not among them). I spent an afternoon revising the schematics for the steam-powered traction engine, idly nibbling on the savory snacks my timid maids would bring in.

It was on my fourth morning waking up to the polite knocks on my door from Kaori and the others that I finally decided to begin. I allowed them to help me bathe and dress, although I remained adamant about wearing the black pearl choker. They didn't kick up a fuss, just made sure to coordinate my outfit so that it matched and pulled up my hair into the braided style I preferred instead of the more ornate hairstyles they'd indulged in before.

Once I was primped to satisfaction, I headed out to my target location. It wasn't a very long walk, despite the sprawling halls of the Yuy estate, although I did not often spend a lot of time in this particular wing. Most gatherings happened in my part of the manor, at least before everything had blown up.

I paused only for a moment outside the heavy, cherrywood double-doors. Somewhere hidden further along behind me, I heard Lyle and Berion shift in tension.

If I fuck this up, at least death will be swift, I thought before steeling myself and throwing open the doors.

"MEILANpleasecomeandhaveadrinkwithme!"

Meilan, sitting at her writing desk and I guess composing another one of her non-letters to Master Chang, stared at me in surprise.

"…Sure?"

"—and it was utterly reprehensible that they misled you like that, so I understand why you were angry and don't blame you for it. And I already said that if anything you do or say to me is insulting, I would discuss it with you directly!" Meilan continued to rant.

Quatre, seated on the other side of the table and taking an idle swallow of his drink, nodded in support. "Yes, Lady Meilan has always been very straight-forward."

"I have no trouble telling you that you're an asshole if you're being one, Your Grace!" she continued vehemently. "So stop apologizing for things that aren't your fault! If you're feeling upset, naturally I'd want to help you! There's no shame in wanting some time to collect yourself."

I valiantly kept my eyes locked on Meilan's face, which had steadily been turning pinker and pinker as the hour wore on.

Meilan was not discouraged by my taut silence. "I left you alone because you obviously wanted some time to yourself, but I wasn't going to leave you alone forever! Even if you were angry at me, I was still going to talk to you eventually anyway!"

"That's what friends do," Quatre agreed with a beaming smile.

"And we're friends still, right?!" Meilan demanded, turning wide eyes to me. The flush on her cheeks deepened.

"Yes," I answered immediately, and then tried for the fourth time to remove the whiskey bottle from the table. Quatre absently grabbed it before my fingertips could even touch it, refilling his and Meilan's glasses and setting the (now empty) bottle aside.

I can't believe I got them day-drunk, I thought with a muted horror, although that feeling was a lot more pronounced on Sayaka's face as she stood guard at the door to the drawing room.

"His Grace the Duchess is very relieved that you still consider him a friend," Quatre burbled happily to the girl. "He's also very concerned right now. "

A pause, and then Quatre turned his big baby blues on me. "Why are you so worried, Your Grace?"

"I'm worried you're going to get alcohol poisoning," I told him. "Please stop drinking."

Quatre honest-to-god pouted. "No."

"I won't get alcohol poisoning. I don't even get drunk!" Meilan claimed, very drunk. "What I get is justice."

"That doesn't make sense, Meilan."

Meilan scowled at me, which would have been threatening had she not been slowly listing over to one side. "It does if you're Wufei," she insisted, then paused. "I think I'll smack him when I see him. He definitely deserves it."

"Trowa understands me too," Quatre interjected, his statement completely irrelevant to the actual topic but he didn't really seem to notice. "He's very handsome. And smart. And tall."

I snorted into my glass. "The three most important traits in a relationship, I'm sure," I teased.

Quatre frowned at me. It was very adorable.

"Anyway, what were we talking about?" Meilan mused, then continued without waiting for an answer. "About apologies. And Wufei."

"You were the only one talking about Wufei," I corrected her.

"So about Wufei," Meilan started. "He never apologizes. Master Quatre apologizes for things that aren't even his fault. Your Grace apologizes for things that are and aren't his fault, and then tries to banish himself for it. No one is doing apologies right."

We were definitely moving away from our original topic but I guess this was for the best.

"I'll try to get it right," I promised them quietly.

Meilan nodded. "The best apology is hand-to-hand combat," she agreed solemnly.

"No!"

Despite Meilan's idea to bring everyone together for what sounded like a battle royale, I did manage to get a good idea on how to go about finally getting past this as best we could. So that Sunday I brought all of the estate staff – the servants who dutifully served in the main estate, including the maids and stewards and cooks, along with Hilde and Howard – to the great hall, the only room large enough to fit everyone. (Catherine was also included, despite being more of a periphery servant, as she was Commander Barton's sister and a close enough acquaintance to warrant an invite.) The Duchess Guard were watching from unobtrusive corners, staying out of the way but nevertheless present – either for guard duty or at my request. The only exceptions were the kids from the pathway program, such as Daigo and Connor; they were still scattered about the property doing their usual tasks and excluded from the meeting to do their work.

I stood at the very front of the room atop the low platform where the main table was usually placed for banquets. Both Quatre and Meilan were with me on either side, only a few steps back so that it was clear that I would be the one speaking.

"Everyone, thank you for coming," I smiled at the room at large, utterly ignoring the fact that attendance had been mandatory. There were some nervous fidgeting and fleeting smiles in return, but their expectant eyes remained on me, even though some still glanced between me and the tense postures of Hilde and Howard.

I rallied together my courage, not daring to look in either two's direction yet. "The reason for this meeting is to address some…things, that I probably should have talked about much earlier. As I know everyone here is aware – after my accident in the greenhouse a little less than a year ago, I developed a case of amnesia and forgot just about everything."

A few murmurs of agreement. Catherine, the only outlier, gaped at me in shock. Come to think of it, no one ever told her about my 'amnesia,' did they…

"I have a somewhat vague understanding of what I was like before the greenhouse," I continued. "About some of the things I said and did, especially to everyone here. I am the Duchess of the Yuy ducal family, I am responsible for the people of this estate – and yet I have not been doing my job. Instead, I have been actively harming everyone that I am responsible for."

I took a deep breath, my heart hammering in my chest for whatever reason. I knew logically that I wasn't technically at fault for what the other-me had done, but I still felt responsible for it in some capacity, and I would be the one facing the consequences of that behavior regardless. No matter what I personally thought about it, it was still a nerve-wracking thing to consider.

"Y-Your Grace…" Someone choked out.

I shook my head, halting their response.

"I was cruel, for no reason other than that I could be," I said. Your actions were sometimes cruel – but your words always were, Quatre had told me. "I was rude and standoffish, and I took that out on everyone around me."

Despite that behavior, despite the fear that other-me had encouraged – the attitudes and behavior of the Yuy estate's servants had been commendable. Kaori, Coralina, and Melissa still dutifully attended to me; Morris still cooked whatever meals I preferred; Jiroh and the other stewards still maintained the estate in my absence; Mikhail and the other knights still went out of their way to ensure my safety; Catherine still managed the stable and horses; Howard still reviewed the estate and provincial budget; Hilde still watched out for both my safety and comfort without any complaint.

"I want to apologize for my behavior. I want to apologize for the things I said to you, for the things I did to you."

It would have been so easy to take advantage of my ignorance much earlier. But for the longest time, they didn't; they helped me, they listened to me, they gave me advice and shared gossip and answered all of my questions regardless of whether they thought them silly or serious.

One time, as far as I knew, did a small number of them take advantage of me; in comparison, the me that existed in their eyes had taken advantage of their lack of power many, many times.

"No one deserved the way I treated them. I was wrong, and no one here is under any obligation to forgive me," I said, looking from person to person. "I hurt each one of you, in large and small ways, and I am so sorry."

I looked at Hilde and Howard. "But apologies…apologies are just words. They don't mean anything if nothing changes, if the behavior remains the same," I stated with a quiet calm, with the kind of deep acceptance that was reflected both in my tone and in my eyes. "And I want things to change. I want to be better – for myself, for the Duke, and for all of you."

It wasn't only my apologies that weren't enough. I had implied, however vaguely, that Hilde, Howard, and anyone else who had used my own ignorance against me would need to do more than just say the right thing. I needed to repent for the mistakes and wrongdoings of other-me, but just the same, I expected those who hurt or misled me to do their own due diligence in seeking out forgiveness.

Father Maxwell had waxed a lot of poetics on forgiveness back when I was young, when forgiveness was the last thing on my mind. Some of the lessons stuck, and one of them was that even though sincere apologies may have been given - that did not automatically mean forgiveness would be granted. To forgive someone was a process; sometimes short, sometimes long, sometimes never at all. I had to be ready for whatever outcome that may be.

I bowed my head.

"I'm sorry it took me so long to even try and become someone better."

To my utter horror, Kaori abruptly burst into tears.

"Y-Your Graaaace!" she wailed, sounding so much like Commander Broden that I immediately felt the urge to hide my guards.

"Why is the Duchess apologizing?!" Morris the cook exclaimed. "His Grace has already changed! If your palate changes any more, I'm going to need a bigger kitchen!"

That was not the point of the apology!

Esther, the gardener, gave Morris a deeply unimpressed look. "We're growing all of the new herbs and spices already. Why do you need to extend the kitchen? It's not like the serving size has changed!"

"Because His Grace keeps destroying parts of it!"

Quatre gently interrupted the clamor brewing within the crowd. "His Grace the Duchess has been trying to make positive changes, both in the estate and in the province at large. As loyal servants of the Yuy family, he will rely on us, now and in the future," he explained, gifting everyone gathered before us his trademark angelic smile that only somewhat blinded them. "We must support him, just as much as he will support us."

Inexplicably, there were many fervent nods at that.

Quatre turned flinty blue eyes on Hilde and Howard. "We must also be truthful with him, as he puts his trust in us," he continued. "To insult him is to insult the Duke. To misguide him is to misguide the entire province."

Jesus Christ, Quat, tone it down a notch!

Hilde and Howard dropped back down to their knees, reminiscent of that night in my study a week ago. The people behind them watched with wide eyes; it was already a widely-known fact among the staff what they had done, but I suppose they were just as freaked out as I was to see Hilde and Howard acting so subservient.

"We were wrong, and we have disgraced ourselves and abused your trust in us as loyal servants," Hilde announced, voice loud and clear. "We will accept any punishment His Grace the Duchess sees fit."

"Punish-?!" I choked out.

Then it was Howard's turn. "If His Grace wishes to strip us of our current positions and reassign us to a different role, we will do so without complaint. If His Grace wishes to relocate us to the estate in the Capital, we will go. If His Grace wishes to terminate our employment, we will leave immediately."

Why is everyone trying to throw themselves under the bus in this place! "Hold on, I never said anybody was going to get punished," I interjected.

Meilan crossed her arms. "There should be some punishment, Your Grace," she reasoned. "They broke your trust."

I think serving other-me for a year was more than enough punishment, I didn't say. "It's unnecessary now. I apologized, they apologized – it's fine now!"

Quatre frowned, "The Duke would not agree."

Oh for the love of— "Then Heero can decide the punishment after he returns," I snapped. There's no way he would punish them for something like this, especially when I was the one at the center of it. Heero had always been very just and fair in the novel, and had a soft spot for his servants and never exploited his power over them. They shouldn't get anything more than a slap on the wrist. "This matter will be at rest until then."

Both Quatre and Meilan conceded. I gestured for Hilde and Howard to get back to their feet, and turned to the rest of the estate servants. Kaori had calmed back down to the occasional sniffle, although some of the others looked to be on the verge of joining her. I hadn't realized so many people that worked here were that easily moved to tears.

I tried an encouraging smile. "Alright everyone, that's all I wanted to share. Thank you for coming and bearing with me." Then, possessed by my master's degree thesis presentation, I added. "Any questions?"

One brave soul raised their hand. "…Miss Catherine?" I called out, steeling myself for whatever may come from Commander Barton's sister. I can only imagine what horrible things I said to someone directly related to one of Heero's closest confidantes.

Catherine stared up at me with narrowed eyes. "Is the amnesia why you didn't know my brother and Master Winner were married, Your Grace?"

I stared at her. That's what she was concerned about?

Behind me, Quatre gifted his sister-in-law with an endearing smile. "The Duchess didn't even know he himself was married, much less anyone else."

"What."

The hand of one of my maids, Melissa, shot up next. "Does this mean you don't know what the Duke actually looks like, Your Grace?!"

"His portrait is hanging in my study so I have a good idea…"

Coralina gasped as if I'd just personally insulted my absent husband. "That portrait does not do him justice, Your Grace!"

"Wait – so you just woke up one day married to someone you knew absolutely nothing about?" One of the butlers, Jiroh, exclaimed in shock. "And in a place you knew nothing about?!"

There were horrified murmurs. Kaori started crying again.

"It's okay, it's been almost a year," I interrupted them. "I got used to it."

"What does Your Grace mean, you 'got used to it'?!"

"Your Graaaace!"

"I thought some of his memories came back?"

"Is this why he exploded that pig rump…?"

"Does this mean His Grace the Duchess doesn't even remember his own wedding night?!"

"YOUR GRAAAACE!"

I turned around. "Meilan, remember when you told me that I should get used to delegation?"

Meilan, eyes skittering from me to the raucous crowd and back, nodded distrustfully.

"Great!" I beamed at her. "You handle this."

I beat a hasty retreat, Meilan letting out a stream of curses in my wake.

Engaging in hand-to-hand combat with a trained expert seemed much more merciful in comparison to staying and dealing with all that.

A/N: One more chapter until Heero's arrival!

Also, absolutely loving everyone in the comments going "Deathscythe❤️" and then proceeding to scream about all different versions of Duo. Y'all are valid.

(And yes, that was indeed Solo being a creeper in church.)

I am reading everyone's theories so far on who is doing what and I am living. I also hope that everyone feels relieved that the choker isn't somehow manipulating Duo's emotions. But then - what does it do? ;)

Anyway, please be kind and drop a review! :)