Me, in the voice of a car salesman: *slapping Duo* "And this baby can fit so much insecurity and trauma-"

Chapter 37

Endless Waltz had gone into depth when it came to describing its two main characters. Naturally, one was Heero Yuy; as the male lead and heartthrob of the novel, it was only par for the course to describe his every nook and cranny to appeal to readers. He was beautiful to the point of envy, a man of action and few words and intense stares, whose heart of gold earned him the title of love interest.

The other was, of course, the main character herself - Relena Darlian-Peacecraft.

Silky smooth hair the color of a sunlit dawn that fell nearly to her waist, with two braids pulled back at either side of her head. Blue eyes the color of a clear summer sky were framed by the pale, aristocratic face of angelic features. She was petite and slim, and whether she wore commoner garb or the fanciest of royal blues, there was no denying her sheer presence and charisma.

But still, there were so many blonde women in Sanc. Relena's signature hairstyle was hardly unique, and there could be plenty of other people wearing it. Even the night market we currently found ourselves in was full of people who could almost fit Relena's description. The girl standing a scant distance in front of Heero could be any number of commoner girls who could not help but get drawn to his good looks and intense nature.

But I somehow just knew, instinctively, that this was Relena.

They were supposed to meet at the beach, I thought numbly. It wasn't like the first meeting between the two leads was unimportant or negotiable; the whole reason they were intrigued by each other stemmed from that first meeting. Relena was supposed to be at that beach, getting bothered by some local thugs, and then Heero swoops in to save her.

From that point on, Relena became interested in the formidable young general of Sanc's army. That interest is also immediately reciprocated by Heero, and this grows into repeated occurrences of running into each other several times throughout the Capital's festivities, culminating into a growing romance.

But Relena had not shown up at the beach.

I knew the constantly-shifting tides of my emotions must be giving Quatre a headache, but this entire day was spent under the assumption that I would leave the estate as Heero's husband, and then return as the third wheel. When Relena had failed to show up at the beach, I had wondered if my work in the Yuy duchy had somehow sent ripples that affected the entire plot - perhaps even nullifying their meeting and involvement completely.

The very idea had sent relief like a tidal wave through me. That I would have enough influence to even affect things like this, that maybe - just maybe - there was no need to follow the novel's plot. If the male and female lead never met, then didn't that mean their romance had no place here - a place that I had technically filled.

I tightened my grip on Heero without thinking, keeping my eyes on the blonde who was staring right back at me. It's not fair, I wanted to rage. You had your chance, but you didn't show.

Why did she have to show up, here and now? I was the one who did all that work for the Yuy duchy, I was the one who turned around the opinions of the provincial people, I was the one who fought and bled and pushed forward. But now that she was here, she just got to have- everything?

"Duo?"

I jolted at the quiet inquiry from Heero. He was looking at me in concern, resting one warm hand on the desperate clutch of fingers I had on the front of his shirt. I loosened my hold on him but he did not, keeping my hand in his own.

"Do you know this girl?" he asked, darting a cryptic glance in her direction.

...Shit, I'd said her name! "U-Uh…"

Relena Darlian and the unnamed Maxwell spouse had never met. Relena had hardly even known they existed but surely she would have mentioned something about Heero's first spouse when their relationship was first developing. However, she'd been surprised he was even married before, apparently having believed that when people spoke of the late Duchess of Yuy, they had somehow been referring to the previous Duke's (actually nonexistent) spouse. This was just more proof that as the "commoner" daughter of Duke Darlian, Relena had been ostracized in her own social circle before being involved with Heero.

But would the unnamed Maxwell spouse, the other-me, know about Relena? Given his utter hatred for his own common-born husband, it was extremely unlikely. Maybe if we had been in the right time and place, but in a commoner night market where she was dressed just like the other peasant women… I should never have been able to identify her on sight.

"His Grace kindly helped me at Marquess Quarante's party the year before last."

The words had me freezing in place. They were delivered in such a pleasant tone: helpful and conciliatory, matched with the cheerful smile on her face. Relena's clear-blue eyes never wavered, first on Heero and then turning to me.

She moved forward and I could not help but flinch back. This prompted Heero - sweet, kind Heero - to push me gently behind him, half-concealed behind his back as if we were facing some kind of enemy.

Relena didn't seem to notice, instead stooping down to pick up the fallen fish toy I had won. "I foolishly spilled some wine on my dress, and His Grace helped me excuse myself and get cleaned up," she told me, still smiling as she held out the toy in my direction. With the way her gaze stayed on me, it was like she couldn't even see Heero. "I'm honored you still remember me."

I don't remember any of this stated interaction in the novel. Perhaps it had been such a small moment that Relena had forgotten it, or maybe she hadn't even known it was the Duchess of Yuy? But she'd recognized me as well…

Heero reached forward and accepted the toy. The stiff set to his shoulders and the way he remained purposely in front of me made it difficult to see what his reaction was exactly, but I could not tear my eyes off the way their hands accidentally made contact.

As soon as Heero had retrieved the toy, I took it from him and then re-took his hand, wriggling my fingers between his as if I were replacing the memory of her doubtlessly soft fingertips with my slightly more calloused ones. They weren't as soft anymore, after months of training and experimenting, and I felt a brief bout of nausea strike me when I thought Heero may have a preference for Relena's tender touch.

"I see," was all Heero said in response to her. His tone was purposely even, but there was something unfriendly about it all the same. I could understand that - apparently his arrogant husband could be kind to people with commoner backgrounds, so long as he wasn't married to them. I wanted to throttle other-me all over again.

"Ah… Lady Relena Darlian?" Quatre murmured behind me.

I winced. Between me calling her name and Heero's reaction to her, he'd obviously put together who it was standing in front of us. Relena and Quatre had become fast friends the more she got involved with Heero, much faster and easier than how my own relationship with him had developed. I could practically see everything slowly sliding out between my fingers.

Relena's eyes darted behind us to the murmur, eyes widening slightly. Had she not seen Quatre?

"Ah- yes, forgive me for failing to introduce myself properly," she replied, retreating back a few steps. "And for leaving so abruptly, but I really must be going."

I was so confused by her suddenly harried expression that I could only watch as she turned tail and bolted. We hadn't really gotten much notice despite our conversation, but Relena looked as if she were fleeing from hellhounds - disappearing into the crowd without a backwards glance.

...All because Quatre recognized her?

I turned to stare at him. He was still looking in the direction Relena had gone, but soon looked back to me when he noticed my gaze. His expression - which had held shades of not-smiling (possibly with imminent beheading) - quickly shifted into doe-eyed concern. "Your Grace?"

Holy shit, Quatre could be the scariest of Heero's friends! "...No, it's nothing," I said, looking away. As a main character, maybe Relena just had better survival instincts and knew to avoid the crazy blonde behind me. It's a wonder other-me had even survived as long as he did with Quatre around.

"If there's something you'd like to say, Your Grace, I am all ears."

I clutched Heero's arm closer to me. "Heero, Quatre is threatening me."

"He's just concerned," Heero responded dutifully. "...Was that girl telling the truth?"

'That girl' is your future wife, I thought sourly. "I don't know," I replied. "I'm not even sure how I recognized her." The first part was true, the latter was the lie; I could get away with this much, since there were plenty of things I 'just knew' even with amnesia. I don't know how I'd be able to explain why I could recognize some random girl I'd purportedly helped at a party and not someone like Quatre, who I'd actually lived with - but the brain works in mysterious ways (and this is what I would tell them if pressed).

Oddly, neither man asked more. Heero just gave a short nod before glancing around, and it took me a moment to realize we were still holding hands. I couldn't help my lingering look on Heero's face; how long would it take for him to fall for Relena? As I had thought, it wasn't love at first sight for him - but if today was any indication, the novel's plot could not be avoided.

My time as Heero's lover was still finite. I'd learned very early on in my life that the best things often were.

Holding Heero's hand just a little tighter, I pulled on a smile. "I think I saw a whack-a-mole game earlier with the absolute ugliest stuffed gator as a prize. You want it?"

"It really is ugly."

I covered both sides of the stuffed gator's head with my hands. "Don't insult Gareth Gatorcrest III!" I said in mock-outrage.

Heero's dry look made it obvious he didn't consider the truth an insult.

We were on our way back from the night market, sans our two friends; Trowa had apparently wandered off and Quatre had decided to stay back and find his wayward husband. ( "How do you lose a Commander?" I'd wondered.) Normally, some guards would have been sent with them - but given just what Trowa and Quatre were capable of, it would be a waste of resources. Not to mention Berion looked a little crazy-eyed when I'd suggested it, and even Takeo had given me an incredulous look of 'why bother when you need us more?'

The estate looked almost warm and cozy as it finally came into view. It was already well past dinner time, though, so as soon as we went through the doors, Heero had ordered some food to be brought to our respective rooms. We'd had some food while at the night market, but I knew Chef Morris would have made some so I could at least try a bit before pushing the leftovers on the servants.

Heero bid me goodnight, as a proper gentleman; he escorted me back to my room and I almost pulled him inside, always aware of how much little time we truly had left. The first meeting with Relena had now already officially passed, and though it was a little different from how it happened in the novel, the main ingredients were still there. Each passing minute in this goddamned city meant time ticking closer to their next meeting, until finally after the end of the Hunt, Heero would invite her to the Yuy province as an honored guest.

I didn't pull him in, but only because I could just barely glean Hilde's expression behind his back. At a glance, she looked as impassive as always; but after over a year in her constant company, it was easy for me to identify the irate look in her eyes. Hilde was angry .

I kissed Heero goodnight, handing him Gareth Gatorcrest III before heading inside my room. Aside from my new stuffed gator that actually belonged to Heero because I'd won it for him, the rest of our prizes were stored in a bag that Takeo was responsible for toting around. He was quick to hand it off to Hilde once we'd reached my quarters, taking position by my bedroom doors as Berion climbed out the window to take watch from a nearby terrace, like a little ninja psycho.

I waited for the doors to close before rounding on Hilde. "Alright, what happened?"

The impassive stare I received did little to mollify me. "I don't know what you mean, Your Grace."

"You look like you're ready to skewer someone."

It showed just how angry Hilde was that she didn't refute that. With a sigh, she glowered in the vague direction of the door. "There was an...incident," she admitted.

My blood turned cold. "Incident?" I echoed. I don't remember anything of note happening in the Yuy estate in the book, but then again, it had been from Relena's POV - and she had little to no interaction or knowledge of the Capital estate.

"Coralina was found locked in a supply shed. She'd been out there for a few hours by the time she was found."

Just as quickly, that ice cold fear turned into hot rage. "What the fuck do you mean, she was locked in the supply shed?" I demanded, already heading to the door. "Where is she now?"

"She's fine, she's resting in my quarters," Hilde quickly replied, intercepting me before I could throw open the doors. "She only had a couple light scratches on her knees after being pushed inside, but that's it."

Well this explained why Coralina wasn't in the room waiting to help me get ready for bed. The anger abated somewhat knowing she was okay, but another discontented feeling was beginning to rise at realizing just why only Hilde was here.

"...Who did it?"

Hilde's gaze was even and steely. "I do not know for sure, as she did not see who did it," she replied. "But the only reason Sir Frederick could find her was because he overheard some of the maids talking."

And naturally, they all would deny being involved. I felt a sour taste rise in my mouth.

"...Punish them all. I'll leave the-" No, the last time I left the punishment to someone else, Hilde ended up almost fired and Howard demoted. "Reassign them to menial tasks for the next two weeks. Actually, give them to Cathy… Maybe they'll rethink bullying if they have to shovel horse shit for the next two weeks."

Hilde nodded in understanding. I wished I could do more, but without direct confirmation of their involvement, I risked punishing the wrong people and turning even more maids against Coralina. A temporary reassignment would at least have them thinking about trying something again.

With a sigh, I sat at the edge of my bed. "Anything else happen while I was gone?" And it was only for like half the day. It was like leaving unruly kids in charge of the house…

The expression on Hilde's face shuttered off - that was somehow more chilling than the previous one. "Yes," she said, turning her head to look in the direction of my desk. I hardly used it except for writing down late-night inspirations or writing stupid notes to Wufei, so I was surprised by the dark grey envelope laying on top of its surface now. Moving closer to it, I could make out the gold trim along the edges, and the elegant calligraphy on the front.

"A raven came."

From: S. Maxwell

Dearest brother...

The Maxwell family in the novel were hardly major characters, and had only been mentioned less than a handful of times. Two of the characters had been unnamed - both myself and my apparent father, who had only been referred to as Duke Maxwell; the other, Solo Maxwell, was the noted heir to the Duke's title.

In the novel, I think there was a grand total of three mentions of the Maxwell family. One was when Heero was talking about his previous spouse with Relena; another was when Master Winner was listing the families who supported Relena's claim as the royal princess; and the last was the time Solo had been specifically mentioned, as he had grown sickly near the end of the book.

Aside from that, all I knew about the Maxwell family, I had learned about in my time here. The fact that they were so heavily involved in information collection, that they made their mark in espionage - all of that had taken me by surprise. I supposed that it was this background that helped inform their decision to side with Relena, but I couldn't help but feel embittered in retrospect.

The unnamed spouse, Duke Solus Maxwell's second child, had died only a year and a half before.

Was that enough time to truly mourn someone? Heero had remarried quickly after other-me's death as well, but how could I blame him - I'd treated him awfully and he'd fallen in love with a person a thousand times better. But for the family that raised me, that had put me into a loveless marriage as if selling off cattle, only for me to die hundreds of miles away and then support my replacement by the next year…

I guess it was no wonder that they'd never corresponded.

"If you don't want to do this, we can turn back around."

I couldn't help but smile, turning the look on to Heero sitting in front of me. We were riding alone in the carriage once again, only this time heading to a place I definitely didn't want to be. There was no helping it, no matter what Heero said; other-me had never turned down an invitation from his blood family, and I wasn't going to start suddenly changing that until I at least knew who I was dealing with.

"Thanks but you know we gotta," I reminded him with a teasing smile.

The official invitation had actually been sent to Heero by an in-person messenger; it was an invite from Duke Maxwell himself, so it had to go to my husband, Duke Yuy. Although the invite was for the both of us as a couple, it had made it plenty clear that the only optional person was Heero himself.

The invite I had received only solidified this implication. Sent by the ducal heir Solo Maxwell via messenger raven (and wasn't that the coolest shit ever, I knew corvids would be awesome!), I had been personally invited by my older brother to an evening engagement - dinner and pleasant conversation, according to the invite.

"Don't worry, Heero, I can do this," I tried to reassure him. It couldn't be that hard, right? We obviously weren't that close; aside from the filial piety that had other-me actually going through with his marriage and never refusing an invite, it was clear his blood family had little to do with him. Feigning only cursory politeness and bitterly chewing through a meal I was 80% sure was just going to be more pickled meat would be easy enough.

Coralina had been in charge of dolling me up for the visit, recovering remarkably fast from her bullying experience. She had been moved into her own room - next to Hilde - and I know Sir Frederick periodically checked up on her, even when he's not on duty. There remained a frigid distance between her and the other maids, but the three who had been involved - Bethany, Manami, and fucking Jillian - were already serving out their punishment under the strict Catherine, and Coralina seemed satisfied with that.

I'd thought about just removing the others from their positions as my personal maids, but apparently a Duchess had to have a minimum of three. Hilde didn't even really count as a personal maid, as her position as my personal attendant had been a role Heero had created just for her, so I still had two gaps to fill.

It was really my fault. I had been so caught up in Heero's first meeting with Relena that I had completely ignored the team dynamics of the estate servants, and Coralina had paid the price for my inattention. For the little time I had left as the Duchess of the Yuy household, I needed to ensure order.

"...We're here."

I felt the turn of the carriage as the road changed from well-pressed dirt to gravel, the shadows of a gated fence dancing over the closed windows as we passed through. I resisted the urge to poke my head out of the carriage; the act had started as soon as we left the Yuy estate, and there was no way the discontented other-me would look out the window like an excited kid at a tourist site.

The carriage drew to a stop. Heero reached over to give my hand a quick, supportive squeeze, and then the carriage door was opened and he climbed out first. With a breath, I steeled myself and climbed outside after taking Heero's hand.

There was no point in acting completely like my other self, seeing as I would not be snubbing Heero or scorning him in public. They could make up whatever they wanted about our improved relationship, but - like the others said - I was under no obligation to explain myself. I'd seemingly changed my mind and everyone else was just going to have to live with it.

The Maxwell estate differed way too much from the Yuy estate (both provincial and Capital), and I wondered if this was why Relena had never visited this particular ally's home. From the outside, it looked as grand as any other noble's estate - but the architecture was different from anything else I'd seen so far. This could be attributed to the design coming directly from the Maxwell duchy itself, where this style of architecture was common.

It was tall, reaching up towards the sky as if to cling to it with sharpened claws made of stone. The steeply pitched roofs were topped with various baubles, the pointed archways encompassing the myriad of stained-glass windows. It was far larger than the Yuy estate and more imposing, flowering bushes and vines clutching at the walls as if to pull the entire home down into the grave.

It looked like a fucking church.

The welcoming party was...sizable. Bigger than I was expecting, at any rate; Lady Aurora had explained the difference between welcoming someone home to their residence, and welcoming a guest. Although this was my other-me's home (in the Capital), as a married man, it was more a technicality and it was standard to greet me as one would a guest like Heero.

There were definitely fewer people than at any of the Yuy welcoming parties, but it was more than just the Head Butler, some guards, and a few maids - as was custom. There were butlers, maids, guards, and even cooks and gardeners. It was as if they'd brought out a portion of every servant group to greet us.

The person who really caught my eye was the one standing regally on the middle step of the entryway stairs: an older man of light auburn hair with gray-tinged temples, dressed in a tasteful dark violet suit with light designs of flowers and wines along the tailcoat's seams, his black trousers tucked into equally dark boots.

The simplicity of the design was eye-catching. Given other-me's taste in fashion, I had thought he'd picked up such tastes from his family - but either this was not the case or Duke Maxwell had undergone a change after his son left home. I suppose that could be possible; maybe that was this world's version of a mid-life crisis.

"Welcome, Duke and Duchess of Yuy."

The voice was surprisingly warm, especially given the eerie quiet of the servants surrounding us. Aside from the Head Butler and his small retinue of servants dealing with the driver and carriage, hardly anyone else moved. The older man came down the short flight of steps to meet us on even ground, unperturbed by his people's silence, reaching out to shake Heero's hand as if greeting a guest rather than his son-in-law.

I stared at the man's face as he moved. So this is Solus Maxwell.

I'd only ever had one father figure in my life, and that had been sweet but short-lived. Father Maxwell had been the paternal figure in many of the kids' lives who stayed at the orphanage, but that did not make him any less affectionate or doting; he'd always had a lot of love to give and advice to dole out. All the best parts of me, small as they are, came from what I'd learned from him and Sister Helen.

I wonder if things would have been different if the Duchess of Maxwell were still alive. According to Hilde, my mother had passed away giving birth to me. Other-me had been essentially raised by a nanny, similar to myself being raised by Sister Helen; also just as similar, this nanny had passed away as well.

It had been poison. After the fact, everyone had assumed it was actually meant for me, but it wasn't unusual for the nannies of noble children to also act as poison testers for their charges, and the poison had been fast-acting and fatal. She'd supposedly passed away after other-me had debuted in high society as a dandy, right here in the Capital estate.

ShE wOULd HAve BEeN PArt oF mY wEDDiNG RetInue haD shE suRVIVed. I wonder if other-me thought of his nanny as he got dressed and primped by Heero's people.

It was strange to think that in this novel's world, I had a family - an actual, blood-related family - and I still could not come out as anything other than awful. Given all the comfort and support in the world, and the only thing I had to show for it was a scattering of victims left in my wake.

Almost all of that was my fault - but some of it still fell on the shoulders of those who had arranged our marriage in the first place. According to Lady Aurora, the engagement had been arranged and agreed upon by our fathers: Duke Solus Maxwell and Duke Odin Lowe Yuy. That they could see both Heero and other-me interact and decide that yes, we should spend the rest of our lives together… I just could not understand it.

Purple eyes - lighter than my own but the shape was identical - turned to me. The smile on that genteelly handsome face grew several degrees warmer, something that I only noticed because I was looking so closely.

"It's good to see you, Duo," he said, reaching his hand out to me as well. Instead of the handshake he'd offered Heero, though, his fingers delicately touched my chin as if to tilt my head up. "I'm relieved to see you look well. The convalescence seems to have been a success."

The convalescence - meaning the time I spent "recovering" from the greenhouse fire, the excuse the others had been using to explain my absence from the Capital for the past year. I couldn't quite stop the derogatory snort at his words; the sentiments conveyed seemed to be concerned, but I definitely hadn't seen a single letter from this 'worried' family member of mine.

I tensed briefly after realizing the ungraceful sound I'd made. I could almost feel Hilde's look of silent judgment, even if she was miles away back at the Yuy estate. There was a small huff of laughter, the hand pulling away from my chin. I stared up at the Duke in confusion, but his smile never wavered even as he turned away from me.

"It has been a while, but as always, Duo - welcome home."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

The interior of the Maxwell residence was no less inspired than the exterior. The designs were almost dizzyingly complex, further complicated by the light filtered in through the stained glass windows. As we walked down the corridors, it made me wonder if it was intentional; it would be almost impossible to see inside through the artistically designed windows, and even while walking through the halls, it became hard to concentrate without feeling a sense of vertigo.

And yet I had no trouble with it. Was this another boon I inherited from this body, the ability to traverse through what deliriously felt like a 3D painting, when even Heero seemed to be having trouble? He kept an iron-clad grip on my hand as if worried I'd be snatched away by any number of the creepily quiet servants wandering the halls, his eyes trained on Duke Maxwell as the older man led us while chattering about the upcoming festivities.

It really was beautiful, possible vertigo aside. I let my eyes rake over the patterned windows; a majority were just a kaleidoscope of colors, purple the most prominent, but some depicted scenes that I did not recognize. There were recurring images though: a scythe (the symbol of the Harvester), wilted flowers and dead animals with purple panes for eyes, and an arched black wing too sharp to be considered angelic. And just like, a whole lot of skeletons. They were all in black, pictured in different postures that were too artistic to be considered terrifying, but the creepiest by far was the skeleton which had its hands clasped together in prayer, a jagged flower of purple blooming from the cavity where its heart would be.

It was the dark gothic look of my fantasies! With all of this around him, why couldn't other-me replicate this style instead of whatever he had in his closet when I got here?!

We finally arrived in the sitting room, which fortunately for Heero, was much simpler in design. The windows were normal glass, pulled open to allow a cool breeze inside, and though the dark-wood furniture and equally dark furnishings gave it a more gothic look, it was set up the same as any other sitting room I'd been in, which was admittedly not many.

"...Is Young Master Solo not joining us?" Heero asked, after we'd all taken our seats and one of the servants rolled in the cart of refreshments. The maid putting the various snacks down glanced up and met my curious look with a bright grin, quickly averting her eyes as she placed what looked like a mini charcuterie board before me.

"Ah, my son is getting caught up with work," Duke Maxwell said with a shake of his head. "He'll be joining us later tonight, after dinner."

I looked up from the mouth-wateringly delicious food the maid kept placing in front of me. ( Seriously - beef jerkies, fresh fruits, assorted nuts and bread, and not even a single cake! It was like I'd finally gone to heaven!) The information was surprising, mostly because we'd heard from some of the men who had been left at the Capital estate that Solo Maxwell had been seen around the Capital frequently for the past year. If he was getting caught up on work, then… What the hell had he been doing?

Solo Maxwell… Another family member I really knew nothing about. I guess he was sickly - or would soon become sickly - and he at least had the good sense to support Relena, but maybe that was a given because of the Maxwell family's true occupation. I had also received no letters from my darling older brother aside from the invite, and even though Heero had said the relationship between other-me and his sibling was not particularly bad, it wasn't very good either.

As to be expected, though. They'd thrown me off to Heero pretty much as soon as they could, and aside from the occasional visit while in the Capital to save face, there was little interaction between other-me and his family members. I just had to get through this night and then I would be fine for the whole season.

"We've both been very worried about you, Duo."

I startled at the words. Duke Maxwell was looking back at me, apparently unbothered by my previous lack of attention. "After we'd heard about the fire, we meant to offer you use of any of our properties," he explained, not once even looking away from my eyes. "But we didn't want you to push yourself to make the trip, since they said your condition was so fragile."

I stared back at him. "...How kind."

Heero took a meditative sip of his tea. The smile on Duke Maxwell's face only broadened at my words, as if the undercurrent of sarcasm amused him rather than insulted him. Perhaps it did, because that was how Duo Maxwell-Yuy always spoke to blood family: as if everything they told him was a lie and only the barest amount of courtesy was needed for the people who raised him.

The topic changed to other things, focusing more on pleasantries than actual conversation. Heero carried the brunt of it, surprisingly; it was something he admitted to having gotten used to ever since we'd first been engaged, since the way other-me and his family talked could hardly be termed 'conversation'. I think it was the most I'd ever seen Heero talk outside of his close-knit circle, and while it was hardly rude, I'd be hard-pressed to call it friendy, much less familial; it looked more like Heero was talking to a business partner he was more wary of than trusted.

Occasionally, either Heero or Duke Maxwell would pull me in, but I wasn't required to make more than a dismissive comment or a yes/no answer. Going by Heero's body language, this was normal, but I couldn't help but feel annoyed by it. I was the real reason we were here, after all; I was the son of one man in this room, and the husband of the other. Shouldn't I be more involved? I felt like arm candy at this point.

It was only in the middle of Duke Maxwell's recollection of last year's Hunt (the winner, Count Otto, had returned with a wild boar) that I realized that not once had Duke Maxwell mentioned anything about me specifically. Nothing about my change in attitude with Heero - which we made no move to hide - and definitely nothing about, well, what I assumed would be childhood memories. Isn't it normal to reminisce with family after not seeing them for a long time? That's what every holiday movie where people reunited for Christmas had taught me anyway.

But Duke Maxwell...didn't. The questions he asked me were things I could readily answer; about my health, about the estate, about the changes in the Yuy province's technology that people in the Capital were gossiping about. These were all things I could answer because I'd been around for them.

Yet not a single thing from the time before I'd arrived in this world.

The others had said that it was likely the Maxwell family already knew about my amnesia. Their true profession was espionage, after all, but I couldn't fathom how they would have learned it; the only people outside of my immediate circle who knew about it were the servants in the provincial estate, and I couldn't imagine a single one telling anyone else about it.

And yet Duke Maxwell not only didn't seem bothered by anything I did, but stayed away from topics that I would never be able to answer. Heero often spoke for both of us and the older man hardly batted an eye; we sat so close and this hardly earned us more than an indulgent glance. Either Duke Maxwell was happy for the changes he saw in his son and didn't want to look a gift horse in the mouth...or he already knew the reason for those changes.

God, maybe the reason other-me never visited his family was because they were super fucking creepy.

I looked around the room once again. The servants - there had to be like ten of them, what the fuck - stood waiting alongside the walls. Many of them had their attention on me, and that never shifted even after I looked at them inquisitively. If anything, their previously studious expressions shifted into friendly smiles.

I attributed their weird attitudes to their employer. They likely all already knew me, since most of them looked older than the Duke, and apparently weren't bothered by my less than friendly attitude. They were quiet as a fucking grave too, not even doing any of the minute shifting that I was used to from my own maids, Capital and provincial alike. Maybe that was a prerequisite for working with the Maxwell spy family.

A gentle hand covered my own from where it rested on the couch, Heero giving me a comforting squeeze. I glanced over at him, noting the troubled look on his face as he looked at me, and I realized that I had been noticeably distracted.

Duke Maxwell's indulgent demeanor made my gut twist. "I apologize, Duo, I know this is dreadfully dull for you," he said. The lightly teasing tone interlaced in his voice caught me by surprise. "Don't feel obligated to sit here while Duke Yuy and I discuss work."

...Was he giving me permission to wander off? I was almost grateful, because their awkward conversation combined with the servants' rapturous staring was giving me a headache.

"I believe Solo left a gift for you in your room, if you'd like to see it," Duke Maxwell continued.

And where the hell is that?

I internally weighed the pros and cons of leaving. On one hand, Heero obviously would have to stay right here and converse with Duke Maxwell, and definitely would not be around to help me get out of any sticky situation. On the other hand, I could wander the grounds unbothered on account of having been a resident here before, and it would also ensure I wouldn't slip and say anything that verified my amnesia to the Duke. Besides, even if I couldn't find my room, I could just pretend I was being a brat and didn't care about Solo's gift.

I sent Heero a silent apology. "I may as well get some fresh air," I said snottily. The quiet look of distress Heero shot me as I stood up made me lean back down to place a quick peck to his cheek in support, and I glanced at my supposed father in challenge. The older man only continued smiling at me, as if PDA was just so common between his son and son-in-law.

I quickly vacated the room. If they wanted to talk about nothing while silently looking for faults in the other, then they could do that by themselves. Duke Maxwell was the one who pushed for Heero as other-me's spouse, he could damn well handle his son-in-law's paranoia.

"...This place is ridiculous."

The colors and patterns were one thing - but this winding architectural sprawl where it felt like I was trekking through some giant beast's innards was too much. The Maxwell estate was an honest-to-god labyrinth, the maze-like quality of its interior suddenly making sense. It was no wonder that visitors like Heero were kept in only the guest's wing of the residence; it was the only part of the estate that made any sense.

There were windows - some made of stained glass, others of normal panes - that looked into other corridors, or even into closed rooms with no visible doors. There were stairways that led to nothing; there was a room full of mirrors with a single window that looked out into what appeared to be a dancing hall; a spiral stairwell with a mirrored door that I only knew was a door because a servant popped out of it; a tearoom for four that led to another, smaller tearoom for two, before that led to an even smaller tearoom for a single person; at least three unreachable doors, positioned so high up and with no staircase; and even a conservatory full of dead plants.

What is this, the Winchester Mystery House?!

I stopped dead in the middle of another stained glass hallway - this one in the form of spirals to make people as uncomfortable as possible - to just think. Despite the idle wandering, I did have a rough idea of where I needed to go to return back to the room I'd left Heero and Duke Maxwell, so I wasn't too worried about that. There were also still plenty of servants around, wandering in and out of the maze-like corridors with the experience of funhouse operators; they always gave me a polite smile and bow when they passed me, seemingly at ease seeing me wander around like an idiot.

After about 45 minutes of this, though, I was no closer to finding my bedroom. Maybe it was through the child-sized door I saw about twelve hallways ago….

"Young Master."

I blinked, turning around at the warm tone. A woman - definitely older than Hilde and the other maids, maybe closer to Chef Morris in age - was smiling at me, giving a courteous bow. "Young Master, where are you headed?" she asked, tone gentle. "Let this one help guide you."

I pulled a scowl onto my lips; the ploy was too obvious. "I know where I'm going," I told her curtly, turning back around and walking forward to who-knows-where.

There was only a light chuckle behind me. "Naturally, of course, Young Master," she agreed - still close, as if following right behind me. "I only mean to accompany you on your stroll."

She came up beside me, quick and light as a mouse, and soon enough walked just a half-step ahead of me. She was dressed similarly to the maids, clearly a servant, although her skirt was a somber gray paired with a simple white blouse, with a fashionable bow around the collar clasped closed with a red jewel. Too fancy to be just another household maid, but too humble to be anything but a servant.

I didn't want to ask for her name. I wasn't sure what other-me's attitude was when faced with servants from his family. Hell, I was still trying to figure out how to handle the relationship between him and the Yuy Capital estate servants.

"It's good to be home," the woman observed lightly. "And it's good to see family, is it not, Young Master?"

"...I guess."

This got me another tinkling laugh. I didn't realize sulking passive-aggressiveness was such an entertaining feature here.

Her subtle guidance did end up helping me in the end. My bedroom turned out to be on the third floor, through two heavy wooden doors dusted with some kind ash-like material that did not come off. She pushed it open and stood aside for me to enter first, pulling the doors closed behind us.

The room itself was large - larger than even I anticipated, double the size of Heero's room back in the provincial estate. The windows were stained glass as well, but unlike the colorful patterns of the corridors, these were mostly black aside from the white wings arched across every surface.

A bed, multiple dressers, a seating area of dark varnished wood and blood-red cushions, bookshelves full of dusty tomes and antique decor, a black-mantled fireplace… It was another gothic-heavy aesthetic! Why couldn't he have done this back in the Yuy estate?!

"Ah, here is Young Master Solo's gift," the old woman said, standing beside a large, black chest. It was mostly covered with a silk cloth, a design of black birds resting on the branches of a dead tree sewed into its midnight coloring. The chest itself was about the size of a large luggage, kept shut it an iron-wrought lock.

I moved towards the so-called gift. I don't think other-me's brother would poison me - what would be the point? I was already married off and the Maxwell's and Yuy's were allies! My heart was thumping pretty harshly in my chest though, and I pulled off the silken cover with faintly-trembling hands.

The chest was unlocked and I pushed it open after a deep breath. I don't really know what I was expecting - maybe something normal, like more dresses and finery? Rare jewels? Or, living up to the gothic theme of the household, a dead body or two?

...Beads.

I stared down into chest, feeling the heavy weight of vague nausea settle into my gut. The chest was full of dark, slightly misshapen beads; there had to be thousands of them altogether, filling the chest to the top like a dark sea. There was familiarity in their shapes, their consistency, and the light, wafting fragrance: rosary beads, made from the crushed remains of funeral flowers.

What the hell is this?

The lady servant was quiet. I chanced a glance up, but she was no longer standing nearby; instead, she was now by the door, waiting as congenially as ever, an almost perfect imitation of Hilde when she's loitering inside my room. I looked back to the chest, feeling hesitant for a reason that I could not explain.

I don't know what kind of gift this was. Was this related to my family's religion? As far as Asahi's explanation had gone, beads were not a major part of any Harvester ritual or prayer; so maybe this was a Maxwell family thing. I don't remember ever seeing any beads as part of either other-me's wardrobe or decor, though.

With only another moment of hesitation, I stuck my hand into the chest and allowed my fingers to sink into the beads. If this really was a chest full of rosary beads, then I'd just move along with my life and send a passive-aggressive thank you letter to this brother of mine; if there was something else in here, though, then I wanted a chance to look at it.

Even then, I was still surprised when my hand met something thin and long amidst the beads. I pulled it out slowly, just in case it was fragile, then blinked at what was now in my hand: a single stalk of a golden-petaled flower, recently cut given the fresh look of it. It was unlike any other flower I'd seen, and though I would hardly call myself knowledgeable in the realm of flora, I could at least tell the difference between a sunflower and a tulip. Perhaps this was a flower that only grew in this world?

"Oh, how lovely!" the lady servant admired. "It's a Golden Fleece!"

If that was supposed to mean something to me, it wasn't ringing any bells. Just in case, though, I gave a short nod then delicately set it aside. Other-me must at least like flowers a little bit, given that he spent time in the Yuy estate's greenhouse, so maybe getting flowers was normal for him.

I reached back into the chest to see if there was anything else. It was a big chest for a single flower, but given how little sense this entire estate made anyway, maybe the Maxwell's were just like that. Honestly, if this gift was just a single pretty flower, I would be grateful; I didn't need to add more things to my wardrobe.

My fingers did brush against something else, but it wasn't the same thin, stiff edge like a plant stalk; instead, it was smooth and rounded, slightly larger than my hand which made it difficult to grasp with all the beads in the way. My fingers managed to find an indent, so I pulled it up once I got a good grip on it.

I almost dropped it as soon as I saw it.

A human skull hung from where my fingertips dug into the eye cavities, thankfully nothing more than bleached bone. The bottom half of the jaw was missing, but with an almost animal instinct, I somehow just knew that it - along with the rest of the body - was also packed into this bead-filled box.

"Oh my," the lady servant said, sounding as if I had pulled out a rubber chicken instead of human remains.

"What the fuck-?!" I was fucking kidding about the dead body! I dropped the skull back into the chest; it landed atop the beads with a soft click, and I hurriedly stood up from the partial crouch I had been in.

I knew it was real. Toy skeletons just didn't exist at this time, and I don't think the Maxwell brothers had the type of sibling relationship where pranking each other with fake skeletons was a thing.

So why the hell was this older brother of mine gifting me a human skeleton?

I took a step back, then another. The golden flower seemed all the more ominous now; perhaps it had served as this person's funeral flower. And if these beads were made out of flowers like the rosaries I had made, then this chest wasn't a gift - it was a fucking casket.

I turned abruptly, pushing out of the bedroom under the lady servant's serene gaze. She didn't follow me out but I didn't much care; whatever the hell was going on between Solo Maxwell and the brother I wasn't, I didn't want to think about.

I fairly fled back to the sitting room where I'd left Heero. The Head Butler - standing outside the room at beck and call - pushed open the doors for me, and I rushed through. Heero's eyes were wide when he saw me, and I knew it was because of the look on my face that I could not quite wipe off.

"Are you alright, Duo?"

Duke Maxwell was looking up at me with something that was almost like concern. I paused in my hurried tread, looking from one face to another, and then up at all the servants watching us as if the sight of their married off young master barreling into the room was something they saw every day. Hell, maybe people barging into rooms in a panic was normal around here; the lady servant back in my bedroom didn't seem that perturbed by my gift-wrapped crime scene.

I didn't know how to convey to Heero without words that my older brother was gifting me dead bodies, so I just took my seat beside him and held his hand. He held back a little tighter, rubbing his thumb over mine in a subtle soothing motion.

Hey, maybe it was normal for my family members to give me corpses… It wasn't like it was a fresh corpse or anything; it was just bone. Maybe I had an interest in human anatomy and they'd finally gotten around to giving me something useful. Or maybe it was a toy skeleton (iT WASn't, the bOnEs WEre REal) and Solo Maxwell liked pranking his bratty younger brother, poor relationship aside.

I shifted only a little closer to Heero. The skeleton was one thing, but the flower… The flower had also been unsettling. It was as if I did know it, the name on the tip of my tongue and edge of my memory, and it nagged at me. How could I know something I'd never seen before, that belonged only in the pages of a book?

I'd just about gotten over my abrupt meltdown and talked myself out of the more paranoid theories - maybe paranoia was contagious and I'd caught it from Hilde and the other guards - by the time dinner rolled around. I was thankful that Solo Maxwell was so busy with work that he wasn't present; I don't know what I'd say to the guy who gifts his brother bones and funeral flowers.

Dinner was almost too good to be true. I wanted to accost the chef for recipes to give to Morris, because there wasn't a single thing that I didn't like: savory meats, crisp vegetables, a mixed selection of bread and rice. (And not a single pickled entree anywhere!) There was wine and fresh juice during the meal, and hot cups of coffee afterward as our desserts were brought out. The cakes and puddings were only lightly-sweet - it was obvious that Duke Maxwell must have as delicate a palette as me - and the only thing that could have made this meal better was if our host wasn't actually present.

Not that Duke Maxwell was unpleasant to be around. In fact, he was too pleasant; he conversed lightly for the duration of the meal, telling funny little anecdotes from the past year and listening with clear interest as I was prodded to speak about some of the smaller innovations the Yuy duchy had gone through - mainly about new products like whiskey and metal pens.

The undivided attention of his purple-hued gaze was intense, yet not unsettling. If he had paid this much attention to his son before marrying him off to Heero, he would have saved my blue-eyed husband some grief.

The visit was almost over, and so far, Solo Maxwell showed no signs of returning home to join us. It was polite to remain only for an hour or two after dinner for some entertainment, but after that we were free to go and I was practically counting down the hours now.

Heero was holding up extremely well. He was hardly relaxed, but he could easily keep up with Duke Maxwell's conversation and wasn't bothered in the slightest by my occasional fumble. I tried my best to keep my words to myself while here unless directly asked, just to make sure I didn't give anything away. Either other-me was always this reticent with his family or Duke Maxwell just didn't care, but this behavior seemed to garner no red flags from anyone.

Sitting in a post-feast lethargy at the dinner table, I let my eyes scan over the room. Servants - twice as many that had been in the study - lined the walls, as quiet and still as the others. If my eyes lingered too long on one, they inevitably looked up to smile at me, though only a few stepped up to refill my glass or give me hot hand towels.

I almost wanted to drag Heero out so he could explore the same nonsense labyrinth I had. In all of our discussions about this trip to the Maxwell estate, he'd never mentioned anything about the strange maze-like quality of it, and I was convinced it was because they never let him out of this guest wing. Would he even believe me if I told him about the doors to nowhere and dead-end staircases?

I guess it didn't matter. In the end, this was our last trip here for the season - and hopefully the year. By the end of this year, Heero would- well, he would be busy falling in love with someone else. By this time next year, Relena would be by his side and she didn't need to worry about being given caskets as presents, if she even spoke with the Maxwell's at all.

I excused myself to the powder room at the idea of Relena sitting where I sat now: hand-in-hand with Heero, smiling at Duke Maxwell and having the support of a man who had used his son to secure a beneficial political alliance. Maybe his firstborn falling ill at the end of the novel was this world's karma finally going into effect, punishing him for his lack of parental care.

The "powder room" was a smaller version of a sitting room, meant for a lady or dandy to touch up their appearance or just rest while away from the eyes of others. There were only two servants in this one, both silently gesturing to the vanity table of cosmetics or stack of hand towels, but I waved them away in dismissal. I just wanted a few minutes to be alone and fix my expression before Heero clued in; between Solo's gift and the idea of Relena's soon-to-be position, annoyance was threading through me like spider silk.

What did any of this matter, if I really thought about it? Heero replaces me with a new spouse, and this 'family' of mine forgets me the moment Relena takes her place as Princess. Once I was no longer politically useful to Duke Maxwell, I'd doubtlessly be thrown away or shoved into a convent as quickly as possible. My current saving grace was that I was useful when it came to technological innovation, so maybe I could just join an engineering guild and live a quiet life as a nobody - just like back in NYC.

If I knew I was just going to be dOinG tHe SaMe tHInG hErE As I WAs BAcK THere, I sHOULd have jUsT Di-

"Duo."

I whirled around at the sound of my name. The servants from before were gone, but I still wasn't alone: a man - older than me by possibly a handful of years - was here now. He was handsome; not as striking as Heero, but taller than both him and even Trowa. His well-tailored suit was an even darker shade than our host's, and there was a pale scattering of freckles across his face. His light auburn hair held the same wavy-like feature of my own, framing purple eyes of the same shade as the Duke's.

I knew his name the moment I saw him: Solo Maxwell.

The smile on his lips was familiar - because it was the same as the Duke's, and the same as my own. I hadn't realized until now that it was an inherited trait. "...Hello," I managed out, feeling choked up. My throat felt dry, as if the moisture had been sucked out the moment I'd seen him.

I remembered the golden flower, and a casket full of beads and bones.

He crossed the distance between us in a few quick strides; I subconsciously took a step back. "I'm glad I got here in time," he said, not noticing or not caring for the wary way I eyed him. He made no move to touch me and yet it still felt as if he were well into my personal space, as close and warm as family ought to be.

I hated that sense of familiarity, that sense of comfort washing over me - it was indeed as if I HAd ComE hOme.

"You've already eaten, haven't you?" he said, then continued without pause. "Did you open my gift?"

If he had said it calmly, it could have been considered a threat - but the eagerness on his face, so like a boy proudly showing off his collection of dead butterflies, was too genuine to be anything but sickening. Something uncomfortable unfurled in my chest at the words, a fleeting sense of understanding that I couldn't grasp.

"...You gave me a cadaver."

Solo's smile widened, just as guileless as ever. "I gave you a specific cadaver," he said, leaning closer. "That's the man who poisoned you."

A golden, six-petaled flower with a center bulb of thick, dark red pollen - the Golden Fleece. It could be ground down into a fine powder, and any amount larger than a pea made it a lethal dose. It WaS chrYSOmalLUs. It WaS tHe ARieS.

"It took us much longer to find him, seeing as Yuy's people had no leads," Solo continued brightly, undeterred by my subdued silence. "But Oz's men love to brag, even if their mission was unsuccessful."

Solo's smile deepened, fingers playfully touching the underside of my chin, so like his father had done before him. "I killed him slow," he admitted softly. "I made it painful. A hundred - no, a thousand times more painful than the Aries was for you."

Holy shit - this guy was fucking intense!

I wished I could consider him crazy, but there was nothing in his gaze that looked like he was disconnected from reality; he talked about murdering my own would-be murderer like he'd caught a particularly naughty raccoon. I batted his hand away from my face but the action only amused him. I wish I could take another step back, but the couch was right behind me and I didn't fancy having this conversation while sitting. At least if I was standing, I could beat a hasty retreat.

"I would have caught him faster if Yuy's people weren't so useless," Solo sighed. "Put them on a battlefield and they'll flourish, but ask them to do a basic investigation and they can't do more than make wild conjectures based on the method of assassination."

I scowled. "They tried, but there was a lot of people and they were still getting resettled," I defended them. What kind of ally was this? He must have been talking behind Relena's back the whole book! The poor girl could hardly go a week without being put in harm's way, and that must have looked like incompetence to them.

An inscrutable expression passed over Solo's features, fleeting glimpses of too many emotions to cleanly identify. The end result was wry amusement, as inappropriate a response as everything else he'd said.

"Ah - that's right, you're getting along now, aren't you?"

That was, by far, the most harrowing thing he'd said yet - because I could not be sure of his source. Had he spoken to the servants of the Maxwell estate, who stood as silent as statues but whose eyes always lingered on me? Had he heard it from the man he'd tortured and killed? Had he learned about it from any number of spies he was connected with, who had eyes and ears on anything that Heero was even remotely related to?

"What's that look for? I'm happy for you," Solo said, smiling kindly; I felt anything but warm. "Marital strife is unpleasant for everyone, and you have been downright miserable. I suppose all you needed was time to adjust, and now look at you - a happy husband!"

The tone was elated, supportive in a way that could only be mocking. I felt my teeth grind together, felt that that spider-thread of annoyance surge into a crackling bolt of electricity. "I imagine anything is better than anyone in this house," I ground out, the words coming to me so easily, an insult as natural as my next breath.

Solo tipped back his head and laughed .

"When you put it like that, it's hard to refute!" he chortled. There was a gleam in his light violet eyes, too bright to be anything other than cruelty. "It's hard to tell if Duke Yuy was really prepared for all of this when he bought you!"

The words sent a shock through me that left me numb from my head to my fingertips. I shoved Solo away from me, my head full of cotton; he only backed away a couple of steps, head cocked in thought as his eyes swept over my face. The grin on his lips never wavered, and I didn't know what face I was making because I couldn't feel it.

When he bought you.

But this wasn't surprising, right? I knew I'd been married off for a political alliance, and it's not like anyone would be willing to put up with me had they not received some kind of boon. My faMiLY RaiSEd ME for This pUrpose, and I was- what, given to the highest bidder?

I choked out a sharp laugh. What a fucking terrible auction, Heero really wasted his money.

"Hey, hey, it's alright," Solo cooed at me, taking a step closer. I couldn't figure out why until I felt the wet tracks of tears sliding down my face. "You already made him work for it, didn't you? All those wild purchases, the affairs, the rumors you spread about him at tea parties… If he'd paid anything less, why would he have even bothered staying?"

I knew Solo was telling the truth; I mUst Be wORth A foRTune . Heero shouldn't have bothered; in a year, he'd replace me with Relena, someone who the Maxwell's supported and didn't even have to pay a dowry for. The political advantage would be moot. The endeavor was so pointless, the damage so hefty - what a hilarious waste for everyone involved.

"But now look at you two," Solo said, reaching out to wipe a tear away with a calloused hand. The gentleness in his movement was belied by the cruelty in his words; it had never been more obvious that we were related. "So close, so intimate - he must love you now, right?"

He must.

Duo Maxwell-Yuy died in a greenhouse fire only a year ago. Heero meets the love of his life by the next Fall, and marries her by the end of the next year.

...People have mourned longer for their pets.

I miGhT AS WeLL HAve dIED IN THaT grEeNhoUsE.

"...Solo."

Solo's attention turned to the two people crowded into the doorway, but I could not move. I couldn't really focus my gaze on anything, and I definitely didn't want to look and see who I knew was standing there right behind the Duke of Maxwell. Was a ShEEp MEAnt foR sLaugHtER SUpposed TO BE bravE ENouGh TO look aT THE PEopLe Who trADeD MoNeY foR thEiR LifE?

"I apologize, I teased him too much," Solo said, the grin on his face lessening to something less wild, less atrocious. "I forgot how easily my little brother is moved to tears."

A back blocked my unseeing view, a head of tousled dark brown hair filling my vision as Heero stepped up between us. "Thank you for a pleasant visit, Duke Maxwell, but the hour is already quite late," he said, voice even and filled with simmering fury. If he had ever spoken like that to the person he'd bought as his spouse, I wonder if I would even be brave enough to act out. "We should return home."

"Of course, Duke Yuy, it's been our pleasure," the older man returned tiredly.

Solo's smile was all teeth. "I'm sorry I missed it, but as always, it's nice to see you, Your Grace," he said with a courteous nod, before once again those damning violet eyes were back on me. "And you as well, little brother."

I choked out another sharp laugh.

My throat burned.

The carriage ride back was quiet. I felt exhausted, weary down to the marrow of my bones, and every time I looked at Heero - I thought about Solo's words. They… They should not have been the shock that they were. Marriage for politics and wealth was the norm in this time period, and as the second-born son and a dandy, then it was only natural that I was married off to serve that purpose.

I should consider myself lucky that I was married to Heero. He never hurt me, never denied me; he acquiesced to all of my demands no matter how ludicrous, kept me as safe as possible while within his domain, and provided for my every comfort. I should be grateful for everything I had, both then and now, all because of him.

But god, it fucking hurt.

I had gotten ahead of myself, thinking it was love that bound us. I may not be his forever love, but I could be his first - and that still made the thing between us special, made it mean something. Love could be painful, could be one of the most painful things in the world, especially once lost - but it was worth it, every aching memory and every lost connection was worth that love.

So the love between us meant something. I hAD MeAnT SOMethiNG.

But in the end, Solo had not lied: the thing that bound Heero and me together was a marriage contract built upon money and political gain. The only difference now was that I was finally dutifully playing my part.

"What did Solo say to you?" Heero asked. He was leaned forward in his seat across from me, reaching over to pull my hand into his own.

For a second, I almost wanted to yank my hand away. But I let him hold it, though I did not hold his back, and averted my eyes to the sight outside my carriage window. "...Nothing I didn't already know," I replied.

Was Heero concerned because he had overheard Solo talking about how Heero had to love me now? Or maybe he'd heard more, heard what Solo had said about the ways I acted out, had heard Solo telling me I wAs THE UsELess TRiNKet Heero Had won In OrdER to ADvAncE In The sAnc COurt.

Or maybe Heero thought I already knew that. Maybe he thought I had already pieced that together, and really, who wouldn't have? It was the only explanation for why anyone would put up with me for so long.

"Did he do anything?" Heero persisted. He'd released my hand now, reading something into my mood, and my fingers almost ached for that warmth again.

There were a lot of things I could say.

'He gave me a dead body,' was one.

Or, 'he found and killed the person who poisoned me, and he wasn't even there. Were you guys even looking?'

Or maybe, 'he told me the truth and I still want you, isn't that just pathetic?'

I held back the words. "No," I lied. "He didn't do anything."

We returned to the estate late in the evening, but everyone was still up. I should have felt bad about going straight to my bedroom despite the worried visages of my friends, but I was too tired to do anything about it, much less explain myself. I was quick to say goodnight, giving Heero one last look and hating the way my heart ached at the shuttered expression on his face.

Thankfully, the only one to follow me was Hilde, and she didn't ask me any questions nor make any demands. She corralled the other maids to hurry and help me get ready for bed with minimal chatter, quickly dismissing them once I was cleaned and dressed, and then she set about brushing my hair.

"I'm tired," I said.

It came out more bitter than I'd wanted, and Hilde's hands paused as she worked the strands into a braid. She seemed unsure for a moment, but I truly was tired, and more than that, I just- didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to think about Solo's words, about Heero's actions, about the tangled history of the Duchess of Yuy that I did not know.

I could think about it tomorrow, right? A good night's sleep, and then I could work through my thoughts, work through this new information. (ThAT I SHoULD HAvE AlREadY KnoWn, WhY Am I so sloW?) But right now, I could just...not think about it. This late at night, it was okay that no one really loved me.

"Finished," Hilde said quietly. "Do you need anything else, Your Grace?"

Hilde Schbeiker, the woman who served Heero as a dutiful attendant before being given the responsibility of protecting the woman he loved. Even though Relena was repeatedly abducted or harmed while under her care, Hilde's loyalty was unshakeable. The death of her previous matter hadn't mattered to her future.

"No, goodnight Hilde."

"...Rest well, Your Grace."

It was not any better in the morning. In fact, in many ways, it was worse; the night was a time where it was easy to get lost in your emotions, something about that late-night hour beguiling the senses and heightening emotional reactions. Uncomfortable and painful in the moment it may be, but soon those fizzled out into dreams that settled like oil in a sleep-hazed mine.

But now, in the light of day, it was as if the words were given a cold, hard dose of reality to back them up. It was easy to parse out a simple list of facts from yesterday's experience in the Maxwell estate, a cut-and-dry inventory of facts that I could not turn away from.

Solo cared enough about his brother to kill his attempted murderer.

Heero cared enough about his spouse to nurse him back to health.

Duo Maxwell was a nuisance that had been raised and sold, a tool to be bartered and won.

It was a miserable thing to realize that he- that I- died in a fire, unloved and uncared for. That he had meant as much to the people he'd lived with as I did to my own neighbors, who probably hadn't even realized I died ages ago.

Given every luxury in the world but love. I guess he and I had more in common than I thought.

Kanako rolled the breakfast cart into my room without knocking. I didn't need to say anything about it, because Hilde turned on her with a snap, leaving Coralina and Suzette to wrangle the curtains open while simultaneously shooting each other distrustful looks. I could make out the faded bruises on Coralina's arms from my perch on the bed, another reminder as to where my other three personal maids were.

This place was awful. The rooms were smaller, full of stale air and people I didn't much like - a feeling that was likely very much mutual. The servants kept knocking things over or forgetting to clean places, and the only saving grace was that someone else was already yelling at them before I got there.

I must be so useless to them now. It was obvious to me that my family cared only enough about me to ensure my survival, and by the time Relena came, they would hardly need me. Now the Capital estate servants were acting out, and I couldn't even do my job of handling them; that was starting to fall to Hilde, Wufei, and even Quatre.

What was I doing as the Duchess that everyone here hadn't already done? What political advantage could I offer after a year out of the Sanc court? What investments could I make that Heero wouldn't have already made, had he been given enough time? I made a few interesting things and I thought- that would be enough? I was useful now?

I was kissed by Heero, I had sex with him - aND I thouGht THAt WAs LoVE?

Even the most naive of teenagers would have clued in faster than I had. I'd been given an entire lecture on marital duties by Lady Aurora, as if a relationship could be taught by a textbook - and I still thought it was love?

I waS sucH A JoKe. No wonder the servants could not take me seriously.

Kanako pulled off the cart lid, revealing the breakfast I'd elected to take in my quarters today: a roll of bread, butter and jam, some thinly-sliced pickled meat, a bowl of vegetable soup, some fresh fruit, and even a mug of beer. It was a meal nearly identical to those early days in the provincial estate, when I'd woken up and thought my life would be completely different.

I had landed right back at square one.

"What is this?" Hilde hissed, glaring first at the food and then at Kanako.

Kanako squeaked, pulling the lid closer to her chest as if to shield herself. "C-Chef M-M-Morris was u-under the weather, s-so Chef Ricktor m-made it," she explained shakily.

"Has the Duchess not already approved Chef Morris's menu earlier this week?!"

I had. I'd signed off on it, I'd checked the ingredients with Morris, I'd discussed next week's menu with both him and Ricktor. It just hAdN't maTTErED.

I'd assigned the three maids responsible for harassing Coralina to stable work, and yet I could hear Suzette's snide remarks about the rough quality of her shoes. My threat hAdn't MaTTErED.

I'd told the servants, time and time again, to clean up my study and two research rooms. There was still dust along the shelves, still some leftover boxes from storage. My orders HadN't matTerEd.

I'd been married to a man that did not love me. I DiDN't mAtter.

Something shattered.

"...Your Grace?"

It took me a moment to realize that the sound echoing in my ears wasn't a trick of my mind, but the sound of all of my breakfast dishes shattering across the floor. It took me another moment, another breath, to realize that it was me that caused it. My arm was still stretched out from where I had swept it across the top of the breakfast cart and sent my entire meal to the floor in a cascade of broken glass and uneaten food.

There was a time in my life where I had swallowed my dignity and eaten food off the ground in worse condition. I could do that right now. I may as well just go right back to those old days, as UsELess aND uNwAntED THen As I wAS noW.

There was a light touch on my arm.

"Your Grace, be careful - you'll cut your feet on the glass," Hilde murmured, voice even and soothing. She may as well be talking to a wild animal. "Please sit back on the bed-"

I slapped her hand away. I don't know how I managed it considering how badly I was shaking, and it was then I realized I was also breathing heavily. Fuck - I really was no better than an animal. No wonder the other girls weren't even moving, just staring at me with wide (tErriFieD) eyes.

It must have been the easiest thing in the world to replace me with Relena. A lovely girl with bright ideals and kind words, who didn't let things like bEiNG SOLD liKe godDAMn fUCkINg cattLE get to her.

Was there even enough of me left to bury after I died? They should have just let the fire claim my corpse and used the ashes to grow their matrimonial flowers; I bet they would have bloomed just in time for the fucking wedding.

I swallowed the laugh in my throat. I'm LosinG IT, I'M LOSING IT-

My eyes landed once again on Coralina's bruises. They'd hurt her just because she was associated with me . All she did was make me pretty, and then she was hurt.

"Your Grace," Hilde said again, suppressed alarm in her voice. My eyes snapped over to her. She'd been a loyal retainer to Heero, but the moment she started to become more mine than his, they'd nearly sent her away. She'd wasted her time and effort, sacrificed the Duke's trust in her, all for me - a trophy that drew more blood than recognition.

"...Sorry."

The maids flinched back at my words; Hilde stared at me, uncertain.

There was no point in yelling. There was no point in crying, either. Anger, and resentment, and grief; these were all wasted. I had been angry on the streets, and that had only got me beaten; I had resented the people who scoffed at the church for taking in the unwanted, and that had only gotten my family killed; I had grieved over the remains of my first and last home, and the people I loved remained dead.

"I'm not feeling well today," I said, hollow. Resigned. "I want some time alone."

If there was someone who loved me, they were buried long before I was.

A/N: Relena just popped in to say hi and remind everyone she still exists, meanwhile Solo's out here giving his brother a dead body like a cat leaving dead mice for their owner and it is still the least concerning thing about him.

Please be kind and drop a review! :)