"I'm sorry," Donna breathes, interrupting Harvey's tirade. He falls silent, breathing in and out heavily. She takes it as a cue for her to explain. So she tries to calm her racing thoughts and then she opens her mouth, "I'm sorry," she repeats, "it's just…" She barely knows what to say, "I was young. It was before I met you," her bottom lip wobbles, "it's not something I'm particularly proud of. I wanted a fresh start. I've tried to put it behind me ever since." She swallows, tears still burning behind her eyes, "it's not that I don't trust you… it's just… I just…" She trails off, unsure of what to say. She's too exhausted and run down from the stress the past few days.
"You just what?" Harvey sounds distant and cold. It only makes Donna fumble more, her body now trembling lightly. She takes a breath, "I just never… It's just that I… I wanted to tell you, Harvey," her voice cracks, "but I didn't know how or when…" She looks at him pleadingly, hoping to convey some of her despair. Even though she is aware she doesn't deserve his pity right now. He has every right to be angry, but she is hurting, and his anger only makes that feel so much worse.
"Fuck that, Donna," Harvey spits out before running a hand through his hair and looking at her exasperatedly, "I don't…" He shakes his head, "I can't deal with this." And with that, he stomps past her and out of the apartment. The door slams behind him, and Donna is left in a silence that is so heavy she thinks it might suffocate her.
Donna is about to fall apart right then and there. But she digs her fingernails into her palms and bites on the inside of her cheek and somehow manages to hold herself together. Because she doesn't feel she deserves to be hurting. Not after the mess she just made. She should have told Harvey a long time ago, she knows that. Over the years she had so many reasons why she couldn't tell him. Excuses she deeply regrets now, and her mind is already racing with apologies and explanations. Because that's what Harvey deserves. But even then, she isn't sure he will forgive her.
After standing in the kitchen for what feels like hours, but are mere minutes, Donna stumbles to the couch. Her body feels numb, like it doesn't belong to her. She runs her hands over her face and her fingers through her hair. Every time she closes her eyes, she sees Harvey's face. The shock, and the anger, but mostly the hurt after her betrayal. She feels her chest constrict a little more just thinking about it. She kept something from Harvey, and she knows how important trust and honesty are to him. She is terrified that she might have broken something between them.
For hours, Donna sits on the couch. But exhaustion pulls at her and settles in her body. She feels achy and her head pounds. She leaves a few lights on in the living room, and then she moves to the bedroom. She changes into her pajamas and gets under the covers. She debates staying awake, but she doesn't even know whether Harvey is coming home or not. Maybe he went to a hotel. Or to Mike. She thinks about calling him, but decides against it. Wherever Harvey is, she owes it to him to give him time to process the bomb she just dropped on him.
In the middle of the night, Donna wakes up again. She blinks her eyes open to look at the digital clock next to her bed, that now tells her it's 3.18AM. She closes her eyes again, ready to drift back to sleep. But then her groggy mind registers a sound. Footsteps from the living room that approach the bedroom. Harvey. She lies motionlessly, unsure whether or not to say something now. She hears him move around the bedroom. Swiftly, quietly. He isn't drunk. She hears the rustling of fabric and can almost picture him taking off his clothes and changing into pajamas. She waits for him to get under the covers, anxious if he's going to reach for her or keep distance. But instead, he grabs his pillow and then his footsteps move back to the living room, after which their apartment is blanketed in a heavy silence once more.
Donna's heart hurts and she barely sleeps that night. In the morning, Harvey moves through the apartment like she doesn't exist. He follows his own routine and leaves without even sparing her a glance. She isn't sure whether or not she's able to keep herself together during the day, but nevertheless she makes her way to the office too.
During the day, Harvey keeps up his complete denial of Donna's existence. She doesn't do anything about it, fairly certain she earned it. She just needs to give him time. Late that night, she notices Harvey's office empty, and she decides to get home too. But when she gets there, it's dark and quiet. She waits, but he doesn't get home all night. She waits on the couch for what seems like an eternity, too wound up to get herself dinner. She's aching physically from the emotional hurt, but she doesn't allow herself to pay attention to it. It's her own fault after all.
Donna wakes on the couch the next morning, the apartment still silent, but Harvey's shoes are next to the counter so she knows he is home. Besides the achy feeling in her bones, now she also has a stiff neck and back. But what hurts most is the fact that Harvey left her on the couch. She bites down on her bottom lip to prevent herself from breaking down right then and there. Instead, she takes a deep breath. Because she knows what today is; they are meeting Donald Grayson.
Harvey wakes up when Donna goes through the closet. He sits up, and apparently the shifting of the blankets notified her of his waking up. She mumbles an apology, but doesn't look at him. She can't. Not today. Not with all her energy and composure being absorbed by the upcoming meeting with Grayson. He leaves for the shower, but not before quickly glancing at her – more out of habit than anything else – and noticing she is putting on a crimson red dress.
When Harvey gets back to the bedroom after a quick shower, Donna is just zipping up a tight white dress. She quickly exits the room when she enters, her eyes cast down. He gets dressed and wanders into the kitchen. He is still so, so, so mad at her that he can't really look at her. But she slides him a cup of coffee, which he recognizes as a quiet peace offering. He takes the coffee, but doesn't say anything. She moves through the kitchen. Restless. Fidgety. He notices, but can't bring himself to comfort her. Not after the way she lied to him for as long as he has known her.
Just before they have to leave for the office, Donna walks into the bedroom again. Harvey finishes his coffee and is just about to leave when the sound of heels clicking on the hardwood floor catches his attention. He can't help but glance at Donna, noticing she has put on another dress. This one black, form-fitting but not too tight, knee-length, long sleeves, no sign of cleavage. He has never seen her change so often. He would guess it's a sign of nerves, but still can't find it in himself to ask if she's okay. He's still hurting too much himself to make space for her pain.
That day, just like the one before, Harvey ignores Donna for as long as possible. But they have the meeting with Donald Grayson scheduled. And he needs it to keep the case going, and he knows he needs her for it. So he decides to swallow his hurt for an hour and he walks by her office, picking her up so they can walk into the conference room together. He still doesn't talk to her or even look at her, but this is a gesture, and he knows she recognized it.
Grayson and Donna greet each other a little awkwardly. Her heart is in her throat, and she honestly feels like walking out. And then Harvey suddenly offers to get them both coffee and before she can stop him he has left the room and she is alone with Grayson. He looks at her, offers her a smile and tells her she looks good. She is paralyzed, unable to talk. He notices, and warmly smiles at him again. She reminds him of the unsure woman she was when they first met many years ago. He breaks the silence and tells her a little bit about his daughter; Elizabeth – who goes by Liz and is doing well, although she is taking the loss of her mother hard. Donna silently listens, her heart skipping a beat when she realizes the Graysons kept the name she gave the girl.
When Harvey gets back with three cups of coffee, Donna finally manages to recompose herself. Grayson sees it happening; her transformance from nervous girl to confident professional. Suddenly she seems powerful and at ease and everything she says is spot on. He likes this version of her too. The meeting runs smoothly. Comforted by her confidence, he entrusts her with doubts he has on the class action. She reassures him, and after only forty minutes, he is entirely sure he is doing the right thing and Harvey is the right lawyer for him.
Donna offers to see Grayson out. Harvey just nods. All through the meeting, he didn't look at her once, and he only spoke to her when absolutely necessary. She is still hurting badly, but she pushes it aside. She is hanging on by a thread, and she needs that thread to bring meeting Donald Grayson after seventeen years to a good end. She walks with him to the door, breezily chatting with him and gently smiling at his words. Just before he leaves, he looks at her, "Liz would like to meet you. Her biological mother." He tells her, "after losing her mother she started getting curious about her heritage." He sees the effect his words have on Donna; her eyes wide and mouth slightly agape. "You don't have to decide anything right now. Just think about it."
Harvey leaves the meeting room and continues working like nothing happens. He needs Donna for a few documents, but pushes that back as far as possible. Towards the end of the afternoon he finally gathers the courage, but she's not there. He swings by Mike's office, who tells him she's gone home with a headache. For the first time in days, he feels something other than anger towards her. If she went home with a headache it must be really bad, she's not one to give in to silly little pains. He gets back to his office and finishes some things up, but goes home earlier than he had planned, a little worried about Donna and wanting to check on her.
Still mostly angst (because I'm a sucker for that), but next chapter they will talk ;)