'I have been watching you. Waiting for you.

I can't keep waiting any longer

Maybe I am losing my mind, but will you tell me I'm not wrong?

Tell me that you are not just in my mind, that you are real and mine?'

Chris stared at the note in his hand, crumpled as a result of how he had been anxiously fiddling with the edges off it as he read it over and over again. It had appeared on the floor by the door just as he was getting ready to leave for the shop in the morning. It had arrived in a white envelope, no name written on it, no address. Just blank. The postman hadn't dropped by yet. Whoever this from delivered it in person. Chris frowned as he turned the small note over to look at the back. Nothing. He looked inside the envelope and on the floor to see if anything else had fallen out. Anything to indicate who sent this. Nothing. He had done this twice now. He sat on the bottom of the stairs. He should be leaving or he will be late, but being late was the least of his concerns right now. He was confused. He had never received notes that were so secret. Any he had received in the past had been signed with a single initial or he had recognised the sender's handwriting at least. He sighed and rubbed his chin with his hand absentmindedly. The wording was confusing too. He couldn't help but feel disturbed that someone says they are watching him, but that last phrase, 'that you are real and mine?' What is this? What do they want with me? There was a flutter of something within him as he pondered that phrase. A feeling that he wanted to be true. A feeling of hope that maybe, just maybe wasn't false? Or it could be a cruel and elaborate joke. Or a trap. People do this. Chris looked at the time again. He had to do something or he would be sitting here all day. Thomas would be at Downton now. He stood up and pushed the note and the envelope into his pocket as he made up his mind. I'll see what he has to say about this.

…

"Thomas!" Chris called as he entered the yard at Downton mid morning to see Thomas just disappearing inside through the back door.

Thomas whirled round, not expecting to see his friend at this time of day. Unless Chris had a day off he didn't know about then he should be at the shop with Richard. "Chris? What are you doing here?"

"I need to talk to you." Chris stood breathless from his fast walking pace he had kept up as best he could since he left home earlier. He could see the flicker of concern on Thomas's face.

"You aren't normally...is Richard okay?" It was a natural question to ask since he couldn't ignore a worry in his mind when he knew Chris should be with Richard at the shop. It was a fear that the reason Chris was here so urgently was because something had happened to Richard. Although there would be no need to get him to run up here, not when they have a telephone. Thomas told himself to be rational.

"What? No...I mean yeah he's fine. Might be annoyed with me when I get to the shop later but he's okay. I haven't been over there yet today. I had to see you." Chris cursed himself for his words when he saw Thomas's eyes widen as he glanced cautiously around the yard to check they were alone. No, not like that. I didn't mean that.

Something is up. "You've skipped work? You never do that. You're there too much if anything."

"I know." Chris gave Thomas an awkward smile. "Not my usual behaviour but I had to see you. I had to show you this."

Thomas saw Chris fish out a very creased piece of paper and an envelope that he presumed was empty now and did once contain the paper. "Richard won't be annoyed with you. Worried maybe but not annoyed. I'll give him a call later after we sort out whatever is on your mind." Thomas hoped to put his anxious friend at ease but it seemed Chris barely heard his words as he handed him the note. Whatever was worrying him was nothing to do with his job or Richard. The concern came from the note that Thomas now held. He read over the note, skimming it with his eyes at first before reading it fully again. All the time he could feel Chris watching him and waiting for his verdict. "Shall we go inside?"

...

"Can you say what you think now Thomas?" Chris sat in Thomas's office as Thomas was looking at the note on the desk in front of him. "Put me out of my misery at least? Do you think I should be worried? Do you reckon someone knows about me? Do you think I have a stalker? I suppose it would happen eventually. I've been here a while now. Maybe I slipped up, let my guard down. I think I have been lately. I-"

"-Chris?"

"Yes?"

"Stop talking for a moment please? I'm trying to think. You're asking a lot of questions."

"Sorry." Chris opened his mouth to speak but shut it again.

Thomas frowned. He could see the reason for Chris's concern. The first two lines did on first appearances suggest that someone with unkind intentions intended trouble for Chris. He guessed that Chris had people in his past who would be only too glad to scare him. The rest of the note though made him doubt all of this. He had a feeling but he didn't want to be wrong. Firstly, he didn't want to give Chris false hope. Secondly, he couldn't be wrong as it could be dangerous. This could be a cruel trick or joke by a person unknown. He decided to go with the instinctive feeling he got when he first read the note. In past experiences, these have been the most reliable for him. "I don't think you have a stalker Chris and I don't think this is maliciously intended. I think...Perhaps someone is trying to get your attention?"

Chris's expressions were unreadable. "My attention? Well they have that."

"No I mean. Maybe you have an admirer? Someone who is not the best at putting what he intends to say across?" Thomas hoped Chris would take his hint as it was becoming clearer to him now who this was from. He didn't feel worried at all. He felt something. It was a strange feeling he couldn't quite put his finger on. Not jealousy, but the feeling that he was about to become second in Chris's affections. Chris still looked none the wiser. "Come on Chris! Who do we both know who is not the best at saying what they mean?"

"Well Larry always likes to tease? You don't think it's him do you? I thought he was with that American bloke? Sebastian?"

"Goodness no! Chris, you remember yesterday evening here. Who's words caused the entire table to almost choke on their dinner?" I'll have to tell you if the penny doesn't drop yet.

"David sent it?"

"Finally!"

"But why?"

"Seriously? Why? I'll spell it out shall I? He likes you. More than likes you."

"I know."

"Oh good! You know!" Thomas couldn't keep the sarcasm from his voice. Chris smiled bashfully.

"What I meant is, why send a note? He could just tell me?"

"Yeah but you could have just told him. Honestly, Richard and I have been watching you two dancing around your feelings for each other for too long now. If he made a move, albeit a poorly worded one, then good for him!"

Chris shuffled in his seat. "Suppose you're right. But are you certain it is from him?"

"I'd bet my job on it. Besides, I know David's handwriting. Took me a little time to recognise it but it's definitely him."

"Well you could have said?" Chris couldn't be annoyed that Thomas had made him work it out for himself that the note was from David. Perhaps I should be grateful? He could tell that the mischievous side of Thomas was enjoying this a lot. The cunning grin on his face told him that well enough. They were the same in that sense. They both enjoyed a bit of a game.

"No fun in that though," Thomas said with a cocky smile as he handed the note back to a much more relaxed Chris Webster. "So, what are you going to do about this?"

Chris looked as though he couldn't contain his joy at the conclusion they had both come too. I've been such an idiot. "First, I'm getting back to the shop. If Richard hasn't fired me-"

"-Which he wouldn't have."

Chris continued. "If he hasn't then I will go to work and then later, I will probably find myself on the road to the farm."

Thomas sat back in his chair, feeling satisfied. "Well I reckon my work as your friend is done then?"

Chris nodded. He stood up and pushed the note in his pocket. I'll have to get rid of this of course. "Thank you. I'll try not to mess this up."

Thomas stood up also and put a hand on Chris's shoulder. "You won't." Thomas normally held back with such actions around Chris. Chris had, all too many times in the past, jumped as if Thomas was a flame too hot to bear when Thomas had touched him before. No such reaction now though. Thomas knew the sadness that Chris would hide around him. He had seen the longing looks, the eye contact met for a split second before he would always look away, as though he was blinded. It hadn't stopped as such. There was still something there but as Chris left and Thomas was alone once more he knew. David has overtaken me. He is the one Chris sees now. "He's let go."

...

The woods closed in around him, trees black and grey, shadows cast by faded moonlight hidden partly by clouds and the tree canopy above him as he ran. He stumbled as he kept on tripping. Tripping over tree roots, slipping on mud. Stumbling but clambering to get up and going again. Before he catches up. He can feel him. He doesn't run but somehow he's always right behind him. He can't run away fast enough. Every direction he goes he is trapped. Every route a dead end. Fear and desperation runs through his veins. He comes to a clearing and stops. He turns and he is staring down the barrel of a gun. "This is it. You've been on borrowed time for far too long. You forgot didn't you?" The voice behind the gun was familiar but he couldn't see his face. He didn't need to, he knew who it was.

He closed his eyes and waited. He was too tired to run anymore. But then he opened his eyes and he was holding the gun and in front of him, in his line of fire was- "No! No you can't be here!"

Bang!

David startled awake breathing rapidly. Confused, he pushed himself up with his hands that were warm and wet with sweat, and looked around at his surroundings. The barn. He heard a bang again and jumped, still not fully aware that he was not asleep anymore. "Dreaming. It was just a dream. Not real. You're okay. So is he." The barn door was slightly open and from outside he heard the familiar sound of the tractor starting up. "It was just the tractor backfiring. Not real." He kept saying it over and over but he still didn't feel reassured. It was late afternoon and the sun was bright outside the door. Beams of light peaked through the gaps in the wooden walls and the roof. Patches of warmth in the darkness. He then became aware of where he was lying. He pushed a rake off his legs. He had only intended to sit down for five minutes but it seems he had drifted off whilst lying in the pile of hay he was tidying up.

It has been a long time since he had a dream, no nightmare, like that. It had never been so specific before. Dreams were just fears acting themselves out, that is all. But it troubled him that he saw 'him' there this time. That never happened last time. "Probably because of the note." It was a wake up call though. Maybe this is not such a good idea after all? I can risk myself but I can't risk him.

...

"Hello Mr Webster." Mathew had finally managed to fix the tractor. Having finally heard the welcome sound of its engine, he had decided to take a break after hours at work on it and was sitting on a stone wall on the opposite side of the yard to the barn. "Looking for David?"

"Yeah, I know he's probably busy, but I need to talk to him about...about something important." Chris knew he wasn't fooling Mr Tomlinson. He was a wise man and not blind to his many visits to see David when he was 'just passing'. Thinking about it, telling someone who lives at the end of a track that only leads to his own farm that he was 'just passing' was a rubbish excuse.

"Ah well in that case, I reckon you will find him in there." Mathew pointed to the barn opposite him. "He's been in there a while though."

"Right, thank you." Chris approached the barn. He pushed the slightly ajar door open causing it to squeak on its hinges. He saw David sitting in a half swept pile of hay that Chris assumed was supposed to be for the horses. Mathew Tomlinson may have a tractor now but he still thought that horses were more reliable.

David looked up at the noise of the door opening. "Chris, you're here."

"Sounds like you were expecting me to appear." Chris smirked. "Hard at work I see?"

"I fell asleep, yes, but I didn't sleep well last night. I had a lot on my mind." David confessed.

"Was I on your mind?" Chris tentatively walked over to him as David stood.

"You got my note then?" David's question was an answer to Chris's question.

"Took me a while to work out who it was from if I'm honest. I first thought I had a stalker or that someone was playing a joke on me. But I showed Thomas and together we figured out it was from you."

Oh that makes this so much harder. "I didn't know if I should sign it. Not something I have done that often."

"Me neither." Chris stepped closer to David. The barn door was still open and probably should be shut but he couldn't change that now. "You're not wrong." Chris was surprised by the tenderness of his own voice. With his heart pounding so much it might burst right out of his chest, he cautiously took David's hand in his that had been hanging down by his side. "I'm real and I am yours."

David held his breath as he looked down at their hands, comfortably locked together as though they had always been that way. It felt so right, and it was, he knew that but now he just felt tormented. Torn between being selfish and happy and doing the right thing and making them both miserable. How can I do this to you? "Chris I-"

"-You don't need to say anything. We've been at this for a while now but going nowhere. I don't want to rush anything. I don't want to mess this up."

David had no idea how long they had been standing like this now. I want to kiss you. "I want you."

Chris smiled, one full of affection. "I told you, you have me."

"I know but...I can't. I'm sorry I can't do this." David didn't need to let go of Chris's hand. Chris did that for him.

"What do you mean? You can't? You said you want this, you want me?" Chris couldn't think now. For a moment he had been the happiest he had ever been and now, he felt deflated.

"I do, I really do but I can't. It's not safe." David knew that would not be good enough for Chris.

"I think I know that. I have first hand experience of how unsafe it is, but here I am."

"I don't mean that. I mean it's not safe for you to be around me."

Chris frowned. "I've never felt safer around anyone else."

"No, no the thing is. I had a dream. No, a nightmare. Just now actually. I've had this one before a lot and it always ends the same way, with the man from Liverpool who's the reason I'm even here pointing a gun to my head. I never actually see his face but I know his voice and it is him. But this time the dream changed. Before I woke up I saw you. I had the gun to your head. I think maybe it was a warning."

Chris scoffed. "Oh you seriously don't believe that dreams can predict the future do you? And anyway, why would you shoot me?"

"Well no I don't but I think it's a wake up call. I have been comfortable in Downton for a few weeks now, finding my place here and around you. But all this time I have forgotten why I am even here. I forgot that I am still technically running and if he finds me, then you could be in danger too if you are associated with me. It's a risk."

"I can handle a bit of risk."

David sighed. "But I can't risk you." He had heard the firmness in Chris's tone, a cold confidence that was only learnt from years of hardship.

Chris turned away from him and then back towards him, restless and uneasy. He felt like he was fighting for his life here and he was losing. "So what now then? Is this it? Are we really going to end this before it even begun?" David jumped as Chris unexpectedly stepped close to him and placed his hand on his waist. He closed his eyes just momentarily as he tried to forget how good he felt almost holding him. Chris must have seen the effect this had on him though. "You want this. Don't be the hero. They always loose in the end."

It took all of David's strength to resist. "I have to be. I'm sorry."

Chris let go and stepped back. He nodded several times as if processing something in his mind. "Right...so now you don't want me because if you really did, you would fuck the consequences."

"Chris I-" David didn't get a chance to finish.

"-You know something? I have had so much disappointment in my miserable excuse of a life that anything else, anything remotely hopeful almost feels wrong." Chris felt himself tense up, he didn't want to but he couldn't stop himself. He was tired of always losing. He was fully aware of how he sounded this time. Angry and bitter he continued, "Was that the plan all along then? To raise my hopes with your message and your flirting only to see me crumble when you let me down?" Chris knew, deep down, that of course David did not intend this but the accusations just came out regardless. "Because if it were then congratulations! Here I am, defeated."

"I would never do that to you. I am genuine with everything I have said to you, and with every indication. I hate this too, but I don't know what else to do. Maybe we could do this, but just not now. Maybe in time?" David felt like he was begging. How did this go so wrong? This morning he had woken full of hope and now where had that hope gone?

"I think it's too late for that now." Chris turned to leave. "Maybe we are dangerous to each other after all?"

David didn't answer. "Please understand-"

"No," Chris said firmly. "No, I understand. I understand perfectly." And with that he stormed out the door, narrowly avoiding tripping over some tools that had been left on the floor outside the barn door. He angrily kicked one of them, which his hurt foot complained about with agony but he didn't care. It was nothing compared to the pain within.

...

Mathew Tomlinson couldn't ignore the raised voices coming from within the barn. He couldn't hear everything that was being spoken in what clearly was a very heated exchange, but he heard some of it, especially the latter part. Throughout he wondered if he should shut the door to muffle the noise should one of his other farmhands overhear them, but at the same time he didn't want to interrupt. Since no one was in sight, he left it be and kept watch instead. He was still there when Chris left the barn. He didn't need to hear his words to know he was angry. His posture told him all of that. It was none of his business but he couldn't help but be disappointed. He didn't know Mr Webster well, he had only been a regular appearance on his farm since David's arrival but he could see similarities between him and Thomas Barrow. Both had a painful past, both were desperate for love but afraid of it at the same time. Mr Barrow had overcome the latter and he had hoped that Mr Webster was getting there too. It didn't look good now, but Mathew had always tried to remain positive. At least they know how they feel about each other now. "Yes that is true."

…

The next morning Thomas was feeding Wilde some cold chicken when Chris arrived. He was early again, for the first time in a while. Since he and David had grown closer Chris was not always so prompt with arriving at the shop in the mornings. He was still never late, according to Richard, but not as early as he used to be. The only time Chris had been late recently was yesterday when he had to show Thomas the note and work became a second priority. Richard was filling up the kettle in preparation for another cup of tea later in the morning. Running a shop apparently required a lot of tea. "Morning Chris," Thomas greeted him from his position crouched on the floor as he filled up a little saucer of milk as Wilde sat by waiting and already licking his lips in anticipation.

Thomas did notice how Chris's bag was put down on a chair at the table a bit too heavily. "Is it?"

Richard noticed the coldness in Chris's tone and immediately felt confused as he was sure that Chris would be anything but cold this morning. He had heard from Thomas last night that David had finally made a move with regards to Chris in the form of a rather romantic, if a bit too cryptic, note left at his cottage very early yesterday morning. Thomas had told him that despite his initial doubts that the note was from David, once he had confirmed it really was from David, Chris had been over the moon. Judging by Richard's first impressions of Chris this morning though, he couldn't be further under it if he tried. Thomas looked up at him as he screwed the lid of the milk bottle back on and stood up. He looked concerned as well. They had both expected a completely different reaction. "Have you eaten?"

"Not really." Chris sounded defeated.

"I can fix you something if you like?" Richard offered, putting down the kettle, now heavy with water.

"I'm not hungry."

That is concerning. He's always had a good appetite. Richard knew Chris had a sweet tooth and Chris had joked in the past that he is allowed to have one as he's making up for being deprived of tasty food for three years in prison. "As long as you are sure?"

"I am," Chris answered firmly. "I'll be in the shop. May as well get on."

"Chris?" Thomas had a feeling he would regret asking this. "How's David?"

Chris let out a cold laugh. "Oh I don't think that I care!" He shut the door to the shop loudly behind him.

"What the-" Thomas felt like he was dreaming. Chris shouldn't be saying that. Not the Chris I spoke to yesterday anyway.

"I take it Chris's visit at the farm didn't go well yesterday." Richard shared Thomas's disbelief.

"I don't know why. I thought...well I don't know." Thomas looked at the clock. "I don't want to leave you with this but I need to go."

"It's okay. I'll see if I can figure out what happened."

Thomas pulled his coat off the back of the chair and slipped it on. "Tread carefully though okay? I've never seen him like this before." Thomas spoke hushed tone.

Richard nodded grimly. "Must be something we can do."

"I love you for your optimism and I hope you're right." Thomas laid his hand on Richard's forearm.

"And I love you." Richard kissed Thomas quickly.

"I'll be back late tonight I'm afraid. Her ladyship is hosting a charity dinner party and I expect it will go on for a while. I'll telephone if I expect to be really late, okay?" Thomas noticed how Richard hadn't let go of him still. He kissed Richard tenderly, once then twice. There may have been a third time however the door to the shop opened and Chris entered just at the wrong moment to see them both embraced.

"Oh you really know how to kick a man while he's down don't you?"

Thomas and Richard parted, both feeling uncomfortable. Neither of them liked this version of Chris much. Thomas knew from times in the past that Chris had much rather not be witness to his and Richard's romance but he's never blamed them for it or been angered by seeing it before. "Sorry." Thomas felt the need to apologise. "I didn't intend-"

"No, no of course. But by all means, don't stop on my account!" Chris's words were soaked in sarcasm. "Now I'm going out. Don't worry Richard, I'll be back. No need to replace me." And with that he was gone out the side door.

Neither of them spoke for a moment. "He's never spoken to me like that. Richard, do what you can to find out what happened please? You'll be better at that than me I think."

"I'll try my best." Richard reckoned it would be a long day.

...

The next day the atmosphere was still tense. Richard had failed to get anything much from Chris the day before about what was going on with David. He hoped that since another day had passed and whatever event that took place with Chris and David was less recent in his memory, that he might be able to make more progress today. He was working on a window display, one of his favourite tasks involving the neat arrangement of the latest popular fiction release. He had cleared the old display away and had just finished cleaning the inside of the window before he started arranging the new books. Chris had left for a lunch break and Richard watched him walking back towards the shop, his hands deep in his pockets as he crossed the street in front of the shop. He stopped in the middle of the road though and abruptly changed direction to skirt around the back of a van instead. Richard looked around for the cause of his peculiar behaviour and then saw who had turned the corner of the street on the opposite side of the road. David appeared to have seen Chris too and decided to turn around and go back the way he came. They're avoiding each other. This must be bad.

Later on, after hours of silence between him and Chris, Richard decided to make his move. He was not sure how much more of this he could take himself anymore. He also reckoned that Chris had mellowed a little in comparison to his anger the previous day. He didn't seem angry and on edge so much now, just sad. Not that this was much better but Richard knew he had a better chance of talking to him. He found Chris in the office, the door was open and Richard saw how he had his head in his hands. "Chris?" Chris looked up but didn't turn around, he just looked at the wall in front of him. "Look I know you may not want to talk but can you just let me know what happened?"

"Not much to say." Chris spoke hollowly, still not turning around. "I wouldn't blame you or Thomas if you don't want anything to do with me right now."

Richard inched into the small room. There was no room for a second chair so he sat on a box containing new and unopened stationary supplies, to the side of Chris. "We want to help if we can. You're our friend."

"What I said to you and Thomas yesterday-"

"-Is forgotten, I assure you. You're hurt and human, people say what they don't mean when they are."

Chris sighed. He had worried that he may have lost both Thomas and David. "Well that's something I guess. I take it Thomas told you about the note I got?"

"He did, although he didn't tell me what it actually said."

Chris nodded. "It was the best thing I have received. Not that it means anything anymore." He pushed his chair back a bit from the table. He looked at Richard for the first time in this conversation. "I don't know what to say, except that there was something and now there is nothing. David made sure of that."

"Did he regret what he said?"

"Yes. No...well not exactly. It's complicated. But we can't see each other, he made that clear. Look, I know you two mean well but can you just leave it now?" Chris felt tired. His head hurt.

"I could. But let me get you something to drink okay?" Richard asked, getting up.

"Thank you," Chris said sadly. He knew though, as Richard left, that he wouldn't be willing to just leave this alone. He wasn't sure what to think about that. He didn't like people nosing around in his private life, but he was too tired to stop him. But he also wondered if maybe he should let them meddle? Just this once. He couldn't fix this, but maybe they could? Got nothing left to lose.