It was getting late and darker by the second outside and Chris was ready to call it a night on a long day. Richard had stayed for an hour or so after their conversation and after he left Chris had enough time alone to think about what he said. He couldn't miss the irony in the fact that David pushed him away so he didn't lose him, only to almost lose him because of that very action. Almost though, that was the all important word here. He never completely lost me. I suppose he never did at all thinking about it. You don't lose sleep over someone who you don't miss. Chris turned off the light in the kitchen. He then stood in the relative darkness, light from the living room meaning the kitchen was just in shadows but not actually dark, and absent mindedly looked out the window into the darkness of the back garden. He had to be honest with himself, he still had doubts. Not about David as such but him. Why me? Why not choose someone who was easier? Someone who didn't have so much hanging over them? Chris shook his head and tried not to think this way. "Don't mess this up okay?" he told himself as he slowly walked out of the kitchen and into the living room to switch off the light there before heading upstairs to bed. It was then, as he stood in the doorway, that he heard a noise outside in the front garden. Chris stopped and listened. Nothing now, but he was sure he heard something. Probably an animal of some sort. But just as he dismissed his concerns he heard another noise, louder this time. He held his breath and couldn't stop himself from unintentionally glancing in the direction of the place where the gun he had was hidden away. There was a loud clang noise, the sort of noise a glass bottle makes as it hits a metal object such as a gate. Chris jumped. He heard the same clanging noise again but this time it was followed by the sound of a man's voice.
"Shit," the voice outside cursed.
Chris, who up until this point had been scared he was about to be burgled or worse, relaxed. "David?" he whispered to himself. His fear gave way to a different type of anxiety involving the fact that he was outside right now and for some reason in his front garden but not at his front door. There was a knock at the door. Chris hesitated, remaining in the same spot he had frozen himself too before David's identity had been revealed and for a moment the cowardly part of him considered pretending he wasn't in, or that he was already upstairs asleep. But he did remember Richard's advice about not doing nothing and so he unlocked the door and cautiously opened it to find David on his doorstep silhouetted in the dark.
David didn't know what to say when Chris opened the door. He had been planning in his mind whilst walking over from the farm in the dark exactly what he would say but now nothing he had planned to say could be spoken. He had waited a while (or maybe it just felt like a while) for Chris to open the door. He wouldn't have blamed him if he hadn't answered it. But he had and here he is. "I know it's late."
"It is." Chris felt self conscious all of a sudden. He couldn't take his eyes off the man in front of him. After not seeing him for a few days, he realised now how much he had missed seeing him. He smiled to himself. He still looks as scruffy as ever.
"I just wanted to...um...that is." David laughed nervously. "I'm sorry. I had all this worked out in my mind and now-"
"-you don't know what to say?" Chris finished the rest of David's sentence. It was easy to do as he felt the same. "I have no clue either."
"I'm sorry," they both said at once to each other. They laughed again.
"Do you want to come in?" Chris glanced behind him. "I was just about to go to bed but I can stay up."
"Actually, I had another idea. I was wondering if you wanted to go out?" David asked. "I had an idea and I thought you might like it and it would give us some time to talk. I brought supplies." He indicated to a bag that was on the floor behind where he stood.
The noise Chris had heard outside earlier now made sense. He would never get that through the gate in the dark without making a sound. "What supplies exactly and what are you asking?"
"Oh um, well I got blankets, chocolate as refreshment as I know you like your food and Mathew gave me a bottle of whiskey in case we got cold, '' he said. "I thought we could go out up into that clearing on that hill that looks down over Downton Abbey."
Chris was curious. "You want to sit in the dark in a field with me? We could have those things here and be a lot more comfortable?"
David smirked. His initial nerves were dissipating by the second as he felt his confidence grow. "I do want that, yes. But I'm not completely mad. Trust me, I have a plan. There is a meteor shower tonight. One of the best in the whole year and it's a clear night and I've always wanted to see one. Liverpool had too many lights so I never got the chance. Now however, I do."
"It is very late already. I've got work tomorrow." Stop making excuses, Chris told himself.
"I don't think Richard would mind if you're late just this once. He's been encouraging this."
"Richard spoke to you too?"
"No Tommy did. They have been meddling with us two good and proper. I am very keen on my plan though so if you don't want to I will go by myself." David didn't want to do that but he hoped this would give Chris a little bit of persuasion.
"Well we can't have that can we? I'll get my coat."
...
"It's dark." Chris felt incredibly stupid for stating the obvious as they walked along the lane later on, the stars above being the only source of light.
"It is indeed! My! You are observant Chris!" David joked sarcastically. If it had been light he would have seen Chris roll his eyes at his remark.
"If I trip and fall then it will be your fault." Chris wasn't really moaning, in truth he was loving every moment.
"Well I will carry you home if you do so don't worry!" Again David couldn't see Chris's reaction but he reckoned he was smiling. It had not taken them long, it seems, to fall back into their old rhythm.
"Ahh!" Chris cried out as an unexpected stone in the middle of the track hit his toe causing him to trip. His pain though was forgotten when, in the darkness and out of sight of anyone, David instinctively grabbed his arm to steady him.
"You alright?" David asked.
"Yeah, just my dignity broken. We could have done with torches." Chris looked around them both. Not that there was much he could make out. The trees on either side of the track grew so they almost met each other halfway above them. During the day this would make the track look as though they were walking down a green leafed tunnel. Now though none of the trees, except for the ones directly above them, had any defined shape. Their thinnest branches reached for each other across the track above them, and the gap that separated them was full of the stars of a rural unspoilt night sky. The more Chris looked up, the more stars appeared. It would be impossible to count them all. It was peaceful, but with darkness comes a fear of what might be hiding out there in the shadows. In reality Chris knew at the most that might be a fox or a rabbit, but shadows can look so much more sinister than they actually are. A tree becomes a monster out of a nightmare, twisted and evil, stretching out its long thin fingers to snatch anyone who passes. "You sure you couldn't have come to see me during the day?" Chris glanced around behind him in an effort to put any irrational fears at ease.
"The Perseids meteor shower is a night time thing. You wouldn't see anything if it was remotely light."
"Of course I know that."
"Hang on a second." David stopped and put his bag down on the ground. "I should have them with me somewhere," David said as he rummaged in the bag blindly.
"Have what?"
"Ah! Got them!" Chris couldn't see what David was referring to until he triumphantly switched on a torch.
"Oh so you do have torches! Took you a while to mention that." Chris took the torch David offered him.
"Well I confess I wanted to see the sky unspoiled for a bit. But the darkness was starting to unnerve me."
"You're not the only one. I'm usually fine but I had a few thoughts that made me uneasy. I wouldn't mind a bit of protection. I left my gun at home." Chris didn't intend to tell David that, but it just slipped out.
"You have a gun? Why?" David asked as they continued walking.
"I stole it. Bit of a long story, involving me being stupid to get revenge on a few people from prison. I forgot I had it until a few weeks ago. I hid it away because I didn't want to think about it. But I'd be reassured to have it now, that being said. Maybe it might be handy, since you're technically on the run and now I might be at risk too, because...of my attachment to you."
David was silent. Chris could see he was deep in thought. "I came to see you because of something Tommy said. He told me not to live in fear of the man from Liverpool because I'd end up running forever otherwise. If that cost me time...a relationship with you then I'd regret it forever."
Chris smiled, his heart full of affection. Not just for David and his honesty, but for Thomas and his wise words as well. "You don't feel like you would regret me?"
David looked at him meaningfully "Never. I only regret what I did to hurt you."
"No. I'm sorry for how I reacted and read into things wrong. You were trying to protect me. Because you care for me. I see that now. I should never have doubted you."
They slowed their pace as they started to climb up a narrow path that soon gave way to a clearing, the one David had told him about. "Chris, I do care for you. More than anyone else for a long long time." Chris, left speechless and smiling in the dark like a lovestruck idiot, stopped allowing David to walk ahead.
"You coming?" David called. "We're here. This is the place."
They came to a stop in a large clearing amongst the trees at the top of a meadow. The meadow, cut short due to the time of the year, sloped off below them at a gentle and then steeper angle down into the trees once again. Looking out over the trees, the inky midnight blue sky above them, they could see Downton village and then Downton Abbey, the few lights still on, gleaming out like beacons on a cliff. There was a light breeze blowing up over the meadow towards them, cool and refreshing. The sound of a few bleating sheep in the fields nearby and the hoot of an owl hidden somewhere out in the trees surrounding them, broke the silence that otherwise was dominant. "It's beautiful isn't it?" Chris observed.
"Quite yes. I wondered this way during the day and thought it would be a perfect spot." David set down his bag of supplies on the ground and laid out a few blankets on the grass.
"I wouldn't want those to get dirty, we could just sit on the grass?" Chris suggested.
"From what I remember, you didn't seem so keen on sitting on damp ground last time," David smirked up at him.
"You know that was just an excuse. I hope you wouldn't think less of me if I said I was nervous then," Chris confessed.
"No I wouldn't. But are you now?" David asked, looking up at him as he smoothed out the corners.
"Not as much. I mean I could have done with some warning that you were going to be planning all of this, but no I'm not."
"I would have liked some warning too but I didn't feel like I could delay once Thomas spoke to me. I think if I had, I might have chickened out." David sat down and Chris followed suit. Both sat a bit rigidly, neither being quite certain about what they should do next. David chuckled, "Bit of an unfair saying that."
"What?"
"Chickened out. Suggests chickens are cowardly and let me tell you, after Mathew, Hector and I chased several around the farm one morning after they escaped, they are very courageous and anything but cowardly."
Chris bit his lip and grinned. "Do you always say what is on your mind?"
"Only when I don't know what else to say."
"I see...Still, I would have liked to see that." The sight in Chris's minds eye of two men and a dog chasing birds aimlessly came across as rather comical.
David's humor helped them both relax though and David leant back on his hands, stretched his legs out in front of him and sighed. He looked up at the sky. It was perfect. Not a single cloud or a moon to disturb the view of the stars. "Can we turn of the torches? I can't let my vision adjust with them on."
"Sure." Chris switched his off and they were once again plunged into darkness. Chris blinked several times as his eyes adjusted to the night. He looked up. At first he could just see the brightest stars, but then after a bit of time, more started to appear. The longer he looked, the more he saw. Patterns in the sky started to be revealed. They had names, he didn't know what they were but he could see the shapes. He wondered if there were any books on astronomy in the shop. "That one looks like a cross," he said pointing to a pattern made up of eight or maybe ten stars, hung in the sky almost directly overhead.
"Oh that's Cygnus. It's supposed to be a swan apparently. The way it's laid out makes it look like it is flying right down the centre of the milky way."
"You know the names of them?"
"Some, I liked to look at them when I was younger. On a few nights at sea in the war, some of the very few where it was quiet, I would look at them. The sky is even darker out there." David relaxed back further, so he was almost lying down, resting on his elbows now. He looked up at Chris who was still sitting upright. "Do you see it?"
"I think so. I might be looking at the wrong thing." Chris spoke as he looked up at the sky, he heard David sit up again next to him.
"Can I guide you to see it?"
"Yeah, go for it."
David shuffled over and positioned himself slightly behind Chris. He cautiously placed his hand on Chris's elbow and glided his hand down to Chris's wrist. He leaned in closer so his chest was touching Chris's upper back. "May I?"
Chris nodded. "Yes." He wasn't sure if it was the night that made him whisper or David's current closeness to him. He wasn't sure if he could trust his voice.
David guided Chris's arm into the direction of a soft looking band of tightly packed stars and dust that stretched like a river, dark in some places, light in others up from the horizon in the North East right overhead to set in the opposite horizon behind them. "There, you see that? The dusty white ribbon that Cygnus is in the centre of?"
"I do." Chris found it hard to concentrate on David's explanation as David had his head practically resting on his right shoulder. He could feel his warm breath on his neck and in his ear and it was invigorating. When David let go, Chris immediately craved his touch.
"You would see more if you lie down," David suggested. "The meteors will come from the horizon in the north ahead of us but will be easy to see overhead." David pointed to another constellation called Perseus low in the north east.
"I'm fine really."
"You'll strain your neck looking up all the time." David set himself back down so he was half lying, half sitting on his side, turned towards Chris. He chuckled and shook his head.
Chris looked over at him curiously. "What is it?"
"Oh nothing, just that...well my...Indulge me just a little here please Chris?"
Chris raised an eyebrow. Whether David could actually see his expression in the darkness was another matter, but perhaps he could feel it instead. "Indulge you?"
"In my attempts to seduce you. I'm failing here badly aren't I?"
"What? My expressing your concern for my neck? Perhaps?" Chris teased, as he gleamed inside at David's confession. "But you are welcome to carry on trying, although in truth you don't need too."
Taking Chris's teasing on the cheek, David felt encouraged. "I mean I do have concern for the wellbeing of your neck Chris. Really I do, maybe you should listen to me?" With that rhetorical question, he placed his hand in the centre of Chris's chest, not breaking eye contact, and gently applied a little pressure so Chris leaned backwards and eventually was lying down on the blankets on the ground. "That's better isn't it?"
Chris didn't need to be asked that. He would admit, he wouldn't normally find lying in the middle of a field in the dark at a very late or perhaps early hour enjoyable, but this was entirely different than any other circumstance. He was enjoying this very much, with David's hand still on his chest, most likely feeling his excitedly beating heart through his palm, and with him almost lying half on top of him half obscuring his view of the sky with his face and his floppy hair. Maybe it was the way that David hadn't moved away, or the way that he was leaning further down towards him, but Chris found holding his breath.
Suddenly out the corner of his eye he saw a bright white flash across the sky which annoyingly tore his attention away from David. "What was that?"
"What was what?" David felt in a world of his own and it took him a moment to get back to reality.
"Look! Another one!" Chris pointed with his free arm, his other arm was underneath David's chest.
David turned to his side, and saw another of what Chris had seen. A bright white flash across the sky so fast that if one was to blink then they'd miss it. A white flash coming seemingly out of nowhere and disappearing before it had even really begun. "The reason we came out here. Well one of them anyway." David laid down next to Chris.
"The other reason?" Chris didn't need to ask, but he wanted to hear David say it.
"You." David didn't feel the need to say anymore than that one word.
They turned their faces towards each other as they lay there on their backs. Chris jolted away from David again when, out the corner of his eye he saw another movement in the sky. He laughed with excitement. "Did you see that? It was right there!" He pointed straight above them. "It was blue, I didn't know you could get blue ones! This is rather addictive."
"Oh look there!" David pointed ahead of them. "That one was bigger." Chris saw the brighter meteor shoot out from the blackness of the sky, it lasted a bit longer than the others, maybe a second or two before fading as it burned away.
"They are getting started now." Chris shivered. It was a relatively mild night but they had been still for a while now and the chill of the air was starting to hit him. Normally his leg would be complaining but he hadn't noticed any discomfort at all.
David felt Chris shiver. "Maybe now would be a good time to break out the refreshment. He pulled out the bottle of whisky from the bag next to him. "I have another blanket too, but only one so we could spread it across us both. Don't mind sharing do you?"
"No, not at all." They smoothed the blanket over them both. Softened from the ground below them and covered against the air around them, they were effectively in a makeshift bed.
David took a drink from the bottle before passing it to Chris. "This morning I was angry. Not at you, at myself. I would have never thought that we'd be here."
"If people could see us right now..."
"But they can't. I only see you." David's voice was full of affection as he spoke.
"I suppose we both owe Richard and Thomas a debt," Chris said as he passed the bottle back to David who was trying to unwrap a bar of chocolate in the dark. "It must be late, you can't walk back to the farm this late. Maybe you could stay at my place tonight? Just to sleep I mean, unless...well I don't want to rush things." Chris was glad of the dark as it would hide his reddened face resulting from his current embarrassment.
"I'd like that," David said simply.
...
When Chris and David returned to the cottage and had creeped inside, so as not to wake Chris's neighbour, it was almost one in the morning. Up until now, Chris had been far too busy and distracted with his company to be tired, but as he shrugged off his coat and took David's and hung it up, he had to try very hard not to yawn. He still couldn't believe what was happening. With the exception of his friend Michael, he had never invited anyone home and had never done anything of the sort in many years. It felt like he was in some sort of wonderful dream. He was a little afraid though that either David or himself would wake up. "I'm just going upstairs to the bathroom. If you like, we could finish the drink or we could have something else?" He felt another yawn coming on and this time he was unable to stop it. "Sorry."
David smiled. "I'll fetch something for us both okay? Maybe not the whisky though, we both have work tomorrow." He looked at the time and quipped a smile. "Or should I say, today."
...
David had found everything in the kitchen well enough. He didn't know if Chris was coming back downstairs or if he should join him upstairs. He had been a while so he found a small tray and carried two cups of tea up the stairs. There was a solitary light on upstairs, coming from the bedroom, not the bathroom. David pushed the door open with his foot as gently as he could. His heart warmed at the sight in front of him.
Chris had been more tired than he had appeared. His shoes were on the floor but that was as far as Chris had got. He was lying on his side on top of the bed sheets on his side, the left side of his face cradled by the pillow as he slept. David put the tray down carefully on the table near the window, moving a vase of flowers as quietly as he could to make room for the tray. He now faced a dilemma. Chris had asked me to stay. But I can't wake him. But if I go and leave now, how will that look? He decided to see if he could find a spare blanket somewhere. The ones he had brought with him were damp with dew from the grass in the meadow, but he found one in a cupboard. He slipped off his own shoes and jacket and loosened the top few buttons of his shirt and carefully got onto the other side of the bed before pulling the blanket over himself and Chris, who was still sound asleep. There was ample room for them both as luckily Chris had a double bed. He wasn't sure if this was exactly what Chris had in mind. He had to lean over Chris to switch off the light, but before doing so he stole a chance to watch him. Chris's eyelids flickered a little and David hoped he didn't wake. For a man who he knew was so tormented by his past, he looked so peaceful. "Goodnight my love," he whispered, daring to say those words as he reckoned Chris couldn't hear them, before he switched off the light and fell asleep also.
...
Chris woke in the middle of night momentarily confused. He couldn't remember at first why he was still dressed or why he was asleep on top of the bed instead of inside it. What was more of a surprise though was the feel of another person pressed up against his back or the arm that was around him. He didn't remember putting an extra blanket on the bed either. But then, with a flash as quick as the meteors he had watched, it all came back to him. I asked him to stay. Chris slowly turned over and his breathing stuttered as he smiled at who was with him. He didn't want to move, as though doing so would break a spell and cause David to disappear. David must have felt him move as he snuggled himself into the pillow next to Chris's and moved the arm that was still across Chris's chest so that he was moved in closer. "I cannot believe...You are mine?" Chris drifted back to sleep.
...
David felt Chris next to him move. He had turned over several times and David had woken when Chris's leg had subconsciously kicked his knee as he slept. It was still dark but as David's eyes adjusted to the dim light levels he could tell without having to see Chris in detail that the peacefulness that he had found earlier had left him. Something bad was going on inside Chris's head right now. Chris felt warmer than he should so David whipped off the blanket and Chris turned over again, this time away from him as he mumbled something in his sleep. David couldn't be sure as to what he said, but as Chris spoke again in his sleep it sounded like "Please no." Chris turned over again, his hands gripping the sheets below him severely. "Don't," David heard Chris say. "Thomas. No. Please don't hurt him." David was now even more concerned and was trying to quickly decide if waking Chris was the best option. He turned on the light. "Thomas," Chris mumbled. "Thomas!" Chris jumped awake breathing frantically, his eyes wide, wild and confused, searching the room in desperation.
David touched Chris on the shoulder. A mistake. Chris jumped around. "It's me, it's me, David. You're okay. It was a nightmare, not real." He tried again and Chris did not push him away this time. David pulled him into his arms, close. He repeated his words. "You're okay, I'm here. You're okay." David felt Chris calm down as he held him tight. "You're okay. He's okay."
Chris pulled back. It was as he feared. No matter how happy he was when he fell asleep, the dreams always come back. "What did I say?"
"You don't need to think about that now. It's not important." David touched Chris's knee as they sat on the bed.
"It is. Tell me please. What did I say?" Chris asked, his voice full of dread.
"You called out Thomas's name." David saw Chris's face. It was full of self loathing. "That doesn't matter, I understand okay?"
Chris shook his head. He put his hand on his forehead. It was warm and wet with sweat. "No, it does. I called out his name. That should bother you."
"It doesn't."
"Well it bothers me. You should be in my mind now, not him."
"You have loved him for a long time. You can't just expect him to go away. I certainly don't hold it against you." David was trying hard here to get through to Chris but he knew he was losing.
"Well I hold it against me! I don't know what I am sometimes." Chris got out of the blanket that was around his legs and sat on the edge of the bed with his back to David. "You shouldn't have had to see that."
"Chris, I want to know every part of you. That means the good and the bad-"
"-Well I need time because right now, I can't think straight. You should go, it will be getting light soon and you can't be seen leaving here in the early morning." Chris's words were cold and hollow.
"I don't need to leave yet. There's still time. I can't leave you now."
"You should. I'm in trouble. Messed up. If you hadn't met me you would have found someone else who is more worthy of your attention."
No, don't do this. "I didn't and I wouldn't. I only want you." David felt history was repeating itself.
"Well maybe this isn't working. Second time I've messed this up in such a short space of time. That must mean something."
"It means we are figuring things out, it's natural."
"Well I need to stop trying to figure this out then. You should go. I can't do this right now."
"Right now as in this second or...?"
"I don't know. But I can't think straight around you...Please, if you care for me, just leave now."
Chris's words sounded so final. David couldn't leave, but he does care for Chris, very much so he had no choice. "Okay. I'll go."
Chris still didn't turn to look at him as he felt the weight shift off the bed and as he heard David pick up his clothes. "Keep the whisky." He heard the bedroom door open. His pride stopped him from looking back. "I'll be there for you Chris. Always. At least know that," David said sadly as he left, the end to a night that he had hoped would fix things.
Chris didn't move until he heard the front door quietly close. Once it did he sighed into his hands. "What have I done?"
Note: The Perseids meteor shower takes place in the middle of August each year. It is one of the best meteor showers of the year due to the high hourly rate of meteors that appear to come from the constellation of Perseus- the constellation the meteor shower takes its name from.
This story is full of many ups and downs-bare with me!