IV – I think I really am a bad person

Yep, I am back, and I have survived the surgery. Now the thing is, I am dealing with a band-aid rash. Jesus Christ. I don't know how to… well, deal with it.

Anyway, I present you guys a kinda short chapter. For new readers, you guys may be confused but this is the fourth chapter in all reality. This site counts the prologue as a chapter, and I am making it clear that you didn't miss anything, don't worry.

Read on, folks.

She didn't know when it had started.

Tohru knew she was happy and contented with her life. She and Kyo had gone off to live independently by themselves and somewhere in the middle of him learning and being the assistant dojo master, she was even able to find a job. They were able to support themselves. She was living her dream – being able to stay by his side and support him as much as she should – and the curse was broken. She had met new people, while keeping her old relationships, and slowly but surely, with occasional hiccups, she and Akito tried to form their own unique friendship.

She was happy.

So why was she feeling this way?

Why was she feeling dissatisfied?

She watched as Kyo slowly managed to move forward, leave the past behind him and truly become happy on his own. But as she became a witness to how truly happy he can be, the feeling that something was missing started blooming somewhere within her chest.

What is this?

At times where she was alone with her thoughts, the only thing she could feel was what only she could describe as longing. Tohru was hard-pressed into finding out the source of such emotion, because at this point, she should have had nothing to complain about her life.

"Are you okay?" Kyo had asked her one time as he prepared to leave for the mountains. The dojo master had fallen ill, and some of the students they were training for martial arts had actually managed to enter the national competitions, so it fell to him and the other shihondai to facilitate the training. For this year, they were headed to the mountains to train.

She nodded her head, smiling at him warmly. "I am. Don't worry about me, Kyo." She handed him his cap, as the students who were participating waited for him from the gates of the dojo. "I'll look after Masato-san. He'll be better by the time you come back." She assured him as he took the cap she was handing him.

Kyo looked hesitant, for the first time noticing that something about her was actually off. He cursed himself for his oversight. He had always been attuned to her emotions, to her every behavior. For some reason now, he couldn't actually figure out what was wrong with her. It was like – it was like –

Like a wall had sprung up between the two of them.

"Tohru," he began, suddenly feeling too sweaty for his liking. "If you don't want me to leave, it's okay. I could stay here with you and just leave the students to Akira's hands. He's more than capable to handle them."

But Tohru was already shaking her head before he could even finish, looking almost horrified at what he was suggesting. "I'm fine, really, Kyo-kun. Cancelling on them the last minute is not a good thing to do. This isn't the first time you've left for training, you know."

Somehow that statement seemed to carry on a lot more meaning than it should have. Tohru was not one to place hidden meanings in words, but to Kyo it felt like he was missing something. Something he hasn't figured out and has slipped his martial-arts-riddled mind.

But she was smiling, and smiling gently at him. He figured that he could always talk to her when he gets back. "Well, if you're sure. We'll go on a date once I come back, okay? We haven't been able to go out as much lately after all."

Tohru flushed pleasantly, tiptoeing and kissing him lightly on the lips to bid him goodbye. "I'll be waiting for you." She promised, as his smile widened, cheeks flushed.

Three months later and Kyo had indeed come home, but the date never came to pass.

The stars on this particular night shone bright. She and Momiji stopped by the large pond inside the Sohma estate and decided to sit down for a bit. She clutched at the cuff of the cardigan he had draped around her, feeling incredibly warm and cozy – a feeling she had always associated with him, and just him, for some reason.

Then something inside her clicked.

Had she been longing for Momiji's warmth? All this time?

She saw Momiji pick up a stone and throw it across the water, creating ripples on the surface. If Kyo was the one who she opened up to the most, Momiji was the one who knew her the best even without her saying anything. It was another thing she had realized, and why she probably felt that Kyo was the only one she could talk to. Feeling the need to explain to someone what she felt, rather than not needing to, made her feel safer, unexposed. Even if he was younger than them and knew that she didn't need to worry because he had never been the type to judge people – she could not help but feel that way.

"I think I really am a bad person." She finally voiced that which she had been thinking since she had decided to move back to Kaibara two years ago.

He eventually sat down beside her, as she felt the frustration wash over her, now more than ever. "I chose to be with him, support him, to build a life with him. I followed him and his dreams. But the more he was able to move on and able to be happy…"

"The more you grew apart." He finished for her, and she flinched. At some point, Momiji would be able to catch on, she knew that. Still. She had only shared what she deemed was safe enough to share, and for him to immediately point at the root of the matter…

She hurried to clarify what she felt back then, what she had always felt even now. "Please don't be mistaken. I'm happy for him and what he was able to do for himself."

"Have you tried talking to him about it?" He clasped his hands, leaning back against the bench they were sitting on.

"I did. But he's become too busy." She smiled, though her smile was too sad and tinged with regret and resignation. "He's been doing so well in his life, I didn't want to bother him with my feeling of being incomplete." Against her will, tears began to form in her eyes. "It took me a long time to figure out what was wrong with me. I didn't expect to feel that way, Momiji-kun. I've always thought my future was with him, that I would be happy just staying by his side. I don't understand why… why it changed.

"I think he tried his best to understand me, be there for me more. But he couldn't dwell on it. He's now able to experience the freedom he has always wanted, to see the world, to meet new people while getting to do what he loved to do. It seemed so wrong to want to keep him to my side – that would be like asking him to give up on that freedom he had always wished to attain.

We tried to fix what we could of course. But it only became clear that there was too far a distance between the two of us now. We both had to acknowledge the fact that there was already a disconnect… that things weren't the same as before. We used to be able to talk so easily – but it felt like there was too much unsaid between the two of us. It's like… it's like that wall came to have a life of it's own."

There was a pregnant pause in the air. She closed her eyes, waiting for Momiji's reaction. Waiting for him to berate her, to tell her that she was horrible…

"Do you want me to tell you what I think, Tohru?"

Her eyes snapped open, and she turned to look at him. His expression was calm and didn't show her the revulsion she was expecting. She nodded meekly, suddenly unable to find her voice as her tears fell.

Momiji reached out, his left hand entwining with hers as she trembled. "First, you have to realize that your feelings changing is not your fault. Second, you feeling that way is perfectly valid and you have every right to feel them."

She opened her mouth, fully ready to acknowledge that it was her fault and that there may be something wrong with her but he held his other hand up to silence her. "Let me finish please." When she didn't respond and just nodded again, he then continued, "If I may have to point this out, it's not just your feelings changed. You grew up. Both you… and him."

Hearing this made her freeze.

"Tohru, it was always in you to love someone so wholeheartedly." He continued, staring at her straight in the eye. "When you love someone, you love them mind, body and soul. You give them everything. It was why my family have always loved you. You were just so willing to give something of yourself to everyone. It was not a bad thing." Here he hesitated, as if choosing how to carefully say the next words. "But just because you have watched that one person doing whatever he wants, however he wants and just whenever he wanted to do it and managing to achieve it, it doesn't mean you cannot want anything for yourself and just be there for him. You're allowed to be selfish once in a while."

More tears continued to flow. She couldn't seem to hold it in now; it was as if she had been given permission to finally grieve for what had happened and what may have been.

Thinking about it, this was the only time she was able to really talk about what went wrong with her relationship with Kyo; and with someone from the family she had yearned to be a part of, no less. She guessed it was because out of all the Sohmas, Momiji was the only one who had no trouble asking her directly what had happened, even if it meant forcing her to talk and making her face her feelings against her better judgement.

"Kyo was able to move on and grow." Momiji rubbed soothing circles on the back of her hand. "And it was largely due to you being there, Tohru. We were all able to do so at one point because you were there. I guess what I'm saying is… by watching the people you love grow and move on, some part of you realized that you wanted to do the same, to experience the same thing, to be able to do something for yourself for once.

"Change is inevitable; I'm sure you understand that the most. What you need to understand is that change can mean a lot of things – some changes can happen with the people you love, and some changes can only happen without them. In your case, it means changing and growing without the other. But just because you indeed changed," here he took her chin and made her look at him straight in the eyes – "It doesn't mean that you loving him wasn't real. Remember that."

It was something that had plagued her from when she and Kyo decided to end things eventually. Did that mean that she had lied to herself when she had chosen to be with Kyo? She had kept asking herself that question day and night whenever she falls into her thoughts.

She was beginning to sob, vision cloudy due to all her tears. "It wasn't – It wasn't…"

"Your love for him wasn't fake." He continued, smiling at her fondly. "You grow when you love. As what it should be. That's all there is to it."

"But I hurt him… I made him think I will be there for him forever…"

He wiped her tears, expression looking stern. "That goes vice-versa. You both promised to be there for each other. And for what it's worth, you both fulfilled that promise. Sure, things went to a different direction than what you've originally talked about, but nothing changes the fact that you felt what you felt and he felt what he did. I'm sure Kyo knows that as well. If he didn't, then he was more of an idiot than what we think."

Eventually, she felt him pull her closer. She didn't resist, grateful for the warmth that it afforded her. If there was one thing she could be honest to herself that she had missed, it would be Momiji and his hugs. He had the best hug in the world, at least for her.

"It hurts." She complained, sounding like a 7 yr-old kid who had scraped her knee while she was running accidentally.

"I know. Which is proof that what you had before is real."

She hiccupped, feeling him rock her into a comforting rhythm while in his embrace, and she felt incredibly comforted, surrounded with his warmth.

The blond took a deep breath and sighed. "Mein prinzessin… forgive yourself. It's about time you move forward and find happiness once more." He stroked her hair, and she felt him kiss the top of her head. "Cry it out. I'll be here with you all night long."

And even if she knew it would ruin his shirt, and the guilt she was already feeling for doing so, she wrapped her arms around him and allowed herself to be comforted, burying her face on his chest and allowing herself to find peace by letting herself grieve, hoping that by the time the sun comes up, she will face it once more with renewed hope after being in the dark for what felt like the longest time.

From afar, the couple by the pond were unaware that they had an audience in the form of Shigure and Ayame, the latter of which appearing to be completely sober despite of the many drinks he had, though his cheeks had a healthy flush.

"My. Am I ever so happy that Momiji-kun has returned. I finally had the reason to go see you again, Gure-san." Ayame excitedly said, right hand gesturing toward him dramatically.

Shigure grinned. "You know you can always visit anytime you wished to, Aya. This is still your house too."

Ayame merely shrugged, choosing not to respond. They both knew how he really felt anyway. The many years he had been living outside the estate made him feel disconnected from the Sohmas, even more so when the curse had broken. He then turned to face the direction where Momiji and Tohru sat, the pair's arms around each other, Momiji providing the comfort the Sohma no Hime, (a little nickname Tohru has earned which only he, Shigure and Hatori knew) has probably needed all this time. "Regardless, I am quite surprised. Momiji and Tohru-kun…?"

Shigure also shrugged his shoulders. "Momicchi did grow up, after all."

Ayame looked at him, placing his hand under his chin, in a gesture which conveyed that he was deep in thought. "I wouldn't be surprised if you actually knew Momiji have always had feelings for the hime."

The master manipulator gave a laugh. "You haven't seen him as much as I did back then, Aya. I suspected, though I was doubtful at first. After all, Tohru-kun is so fixated on taking care of all three of us during those years. I've always thought that if she wouldn't end up with Kyo-kun, then she would probably, eventually, end up with Yuki-kun. I didn't know that this was going to happen though. I am no soothsayer after all." The mischievous glint in his eyes waned, replaced by a fond look, something Ayame had not seen in him for quite some time, "Although I'm surprised about Tohru-kun. I never expected her and Kyo-kun to actually end things."

"I think if it is true, that there are as many minds as there are heads, then there are as many kinds of love, as there are hearts." Ayame quoted beside him, a small smile on his lips. "Tohru-kun has been through a lot. Perhaps Momiji being around will be good for her."

Shigure didn't say anything, but they knew each other long enough to know that he was in agreement. Maybe it was a good thing that Momiji had indeed, returned home. If there was anyone who can look after Tohru and guide her slowly to return to her old self, Momiji can do it without a doubt.

"Perhaps she may still become a part of the family." He said, almost wistfully, to which Ayame raised an eyebrow at him.

"Oh but Gure-san, she is family. With or without marriage." The silver-haired Sohma made a twirl as he declared so, dramatically, might he add, smiling boisterously as he did so.

The ex-dog chuckled at his cousin's antics. Oh yes. Honda Tohru is family, indeed. All she would be missing is the last name.

Yep. Love you guys. See you next chapter!

Love,

Michiko