I can't believe we are already at chapter 10! That's so crazy to me. Thank you all for your support of the fic thus far. It means the world.
TW: Mentions of Abuse.
It's okay, it's alright I don't mind wasting time I'll be fine, Hide my heart, how I feel, pretend this is real for a while
- For a While by The Band Camino
(January 2009)
Hailey hates the early morning shifts. It's nonstop commotion and she has to be at the diner at an ungodly hour. The night shifts are slower once the dinner rush fades and while the midday shifts are skull numbingly boring, she used to be able to sneak in some time for studying.
But now that she has finished her degree, she is less confined by her class schedule, meaning she can work whatever shifts she wants. And while her original plan was to just work nights and save her mornings for prepping for the Police Academy entrance exam, now she has Jay to think about and if she works too many night shifts, she will never see him.
Although, with how often she has been getting called into work and how often he has been staying late at the gym or shooting range to help him progress through the Academy, it's not like she is seeing much of him anyways.
But they keep telling themselves it's just a few more months until he is done with the Academy, and she is done working the long hours and things will be calm again.
And until then, working in the diner is not the worst thing. It puts money in the bank and sometimes she can go home with leftovers, which saves Jay and her money on the grocery bill. Heaven knows they could afford to save a few dollars wherever they can.
She grabs her notepad and sticks a pen behind her ear and goes to take the order of yet another table when she hears a voice call out her name.
"Hailey!"
Hailey turns around, scanning the room, assuming it's one of her other tables needing a coffee refill or asking for the check.
But then she spots an older woman in a back booth, dressed in a large coat and wearing far too much makeup. Suddenly twelve years of memories and broken promises flash before her eyes and she feels frozen in place.
It's her mother.
Hailey shakes her head and ignores her, going over to the table she was originally heading to. She tries to focus, reciting the daily specials through a forced smile, but she can't help but let her mind wander to why in the world her mother is there.
She has not seen her mother since she was fifteen, maybe sixteen. Hailey doesn't remember much from the day, other than being in family court and her parents being denied their petition for reunification with Hailey and Peter. She remembers her mother trying to hug her that day and Hailey recoiling, almost not recognizing the woman who raised her.
Peter aged out of the foster system several months later and her parents never tried again for reunification. Hailey never heard from her parents after that and when she aged out, she made no effort to contact them.
Alternatively, her parents made no effort to contact her either. Until today.
She walks past her mom's booth again, not even looking at the older woman as she does, and slips into the kitchen, giving the cook her orders before she goes to take more orders. As she walks past her mom's booth, she hears the older woman call out her name again, but she continues to ignore her.
It's not until fifteen minutes later, when she is taking dirty dishes and mugs back into the kitchen to be washed that her mother stands up and steps in Hailey's path, blocking her from the aisle that leads to the kitchen.
"Excuse me, ma'am, but I need to-"
"Ma'am?" Her mother asks softly. "You really don't recognize me?"
Hailey sighs and shakes her head, adjusting her grip on the tray she is holding so as to not drop any of the plates. "I recognize you, but I'm at work. I can't do this right now."
"Well, then when can you do it?" Her mom's voice is soft, not argumentative in any way, but Hailey still does not want to do this here.
"Come on," Hailey lowers her voice. "I'm at work, can we please not-"
"Just fifteen minutes. Please, asteráki."
Hailey scoffs at the term of endearment, thinking that her mom probably has not spoken that word to her in over ten years.
Little star.
It's what she used to call Hailey when she was little and when Hailey was growing up, she enjoyed the nickname but now, it leaves a vile taste in her mouth.
"I get off shift in five hours," Hailey bites out. "They'll yell at you if you try to stay that long, though, so you can figure out what you want to do."
With that, Hailey takes a large step past her mother, hoping that her mother will be gone when she walks back into the front of the restaurant.
But she isn't. She's ordering.
When Hailey walks out of the diner after her shift, she is surprised to see her mother sitting on a bench, patiently waiting for her.
"You wait here the whole time?" Hailey asks, trying to keep the judgmental tone out of her voice. "It's like twenty degrees."
Her mother stands up and tightens her blue jacket, and Hailey takes a second to better examine her, noticing how she has aged in the past few years. She's got a few wrinkles that were not there before and her hair is starting to gray, but she still looks like her.
Too much makeup and hair parted just so as to hide the bruises and bright blue eyes that are similar to the ones Hailey sees in the mirror every day.
"There's a bookstore down the street," her mother tells her sweetly. "Spent some time there. There's also a cafe next door if you want to-"
"We don't need to do that," Hailey cuts her off. "You can just tell me why the hell you tracked me down after all these years."
"Hailey, dear, it's cold-"
"How did you find me, mom?"
Her mother sighs, her breath fogging up in front of her. "Mrs. Castile told me you worked here."
Hailey rolls her eyes with a groan, remembering that she ran into one of her mom's old friends at the diner two weeks ago. Hailey chatted with her for only a few minutes, the older woman commenting on how much Hailey has grown and how she missed seeing her around the block. Clearly, Mrs. Castile updated her mother since that conversation, leading to this little impromptu visit.
"Hailey, please," her mother continues. "It's cold and I don't want you to get sick. You don't even need to order anything-"
She has to work hard to hold in the scoff because she finds it ironic that the mother who missed the past several years of her life is concerned about her health now. But, figuring that it's easier for her to just have this conversation and send her mother on her way, she sighs and gives in.
"Twenty minutes," Hailey tells her simply. "That's it."
Her mother's smile lights up and she nods to the right, signaling for Hailey to follow her. The walk to the cafe is short and quiet and Hailey is not even sure what she's expecting to get out of this conversation, but she just hopes that it will be quick and relatively painless.
Hailey grabs a table while her mom orders a coffee so they won't get kicked out of the cafe for loitering. She thinks she should text Jay to let him know she is going to be home a little later than normal, but she figures he has been late almost every night this week and she will still probably beat him home, so it does not even matter.
She pockets her phone as her mother comes to sit down, placing down a second coffee in a paper cup in front of Hailey.
"I wasn't sure how you took it so it's black," her mother tells her. "There's cream and sugar if-"
"Black is fine," Hailey cuts her off quietly, just wanting to get this conversation started and over with. "You gonna tell me what you want?"
Her mother makes a disappointed face, cocking her head to the side. "Hailey, I'm your mother. I just wanted to see you. See how you're doing-"
"I'm doing fine."
"Hailey, you're working in a diner," her mom argues gently and that's enough to get Hailey sitting up straight and staring her mother down.
"I'm sorry, are you really going to comment on my job choices?" Hailey asks in a harsh whisper. "Because last I checked, you also worked in a diner. And, if you wanted me to have some different job prospects, you could have helped out a little more."
Her mother sighs and leans back, clearly hurt by her daughter's words. Hailey almost feels bad for arguing with her right out the gate, but this is the woman who left her to fend for herself for years, so she feels a little less bad.
"Hailey, you know I didn't want any of that to happen-"
"Well, it happened," Hailey cuts her off again. "He didn't change, and you didn't leave him. You can't change any of that."
"Hailey, where was I gonna go?" Her mother asks quietly, tears forming in her eyes. "I have no family here, you know that. I had no job except the diner that your father owned. If I left him, he would have killed me. Or I would have been jobless and homeless and lost you kids either way."
That's not the response Hailey was expecting. She was expecting her to downplay the years of abuse, to defend her father, to say anything besides that. And she gets now that she's older that her mom only had so many options, but it does not change the anger she has in her.
Because her mom didn't have any options, but neither did Hailey. She lost her childhood, and she barely got a chance at a future, all because her father couldn't help but beat his family.
"Look, mom, I'm sorry that you married a terrible man," Hailey says, a little softer. "But it does not change the fact you have not been in my life for close to ten years."
"I know, Hailey. I know," her mom whispers, a few tears starting to fall. "I'm sorry. But I was stuck. I was stuck and-"
"And what?"
"I was scared."
Her mom looks at her with glassy eyes and it's a look of terror Hailey recognizes, one her mom would have before her father would hit her. Before he would turn his wrath on the three kids. Hailey has seen that look of fear before and she is sure it's been on her face a time or two.
"He stopped drinking," her mother continues in a small voice and this time, Hailey can't hold back the scoff this time.
"Good for him."
Her mom wipes at her tears in a desperate attempt to regain her composure, taking a long slow sip of her coffee to calm herself. It's quiet for a few seconds and Hailey thinks about just leaving, telling her mom that this was a mistake, and walking away, but before she can get her feet to move, her mom speaks up.
"I know I should have been there for you and your brothers. And looking back, I wish I did a million things differently. And I am not trying to make excuses, Hailey, I really am not. But I had no one and I had no way of getting out. Sometimes I think that the diner getting robbed was the biggest blessing because it at least got the three of you out of the house. It gave you a chance."
Hailey has to refrain from laughing because if there was one thing the foster system did not give her, it was a chance. Some of the houses were just hell in a different form. It was the older boys giving her uncomfortable looks and going to bed hungry and wearing long sleeves to school to cover the cigarette burns on her arms. It was different, but still not good.
But Hailey looks at the woman sitting in front of her, the woman who raised her for twelve years who is sobbing quietly, and she thinks that maybe her mom truly believed that getting out of that house was the best thing for the three children, no matter how they did it. Maybe she so desperately wanted them to have a life away from their father that she was willing to lose them.
"I wanted to make sure you were okay," her mom says quietly. "And I understand that I don't have that right anymore, but you're my child. I just wanted to make sure you were safe and happy."
Her first thought is to ask her mom if she wants to know that to absolve her guilt, but Hailey bites her tongue. Growing up the way she did, Hailey developed something of a sixth sense of reading people, and right now, she can tell her mom is being genuine.
"I'm good, mom," Hailey tells her, picking at the sleeve of her coffee cup. "I just got my associate's degree. I'm working at the diner as an in-between thing. I'm gonna apply for the Police Academy."
She watches as her mother's demeanor changes, that old familiar smile lighting up as the woman beams at her daughter. "That's wonderful, Hailey Anne. I'm sure you'll be a wonderful cop."
"Yeah," Hailey murmurs, picking up her coffee to take a sip. "Let's hope."
"You were always so tough with your brothers," her mother hums. "Nothing ever scared you. You'll be a natural."
Hailey sets down her coffee and pushes it to the middle of the table with a low sigh. "Mom, don't do this."
"Do what?"
"Pretend like we're just sitting here, catching up like it's normal," Hailey explains. "You weren't around. And I get it. I get that it's dad's fault, but don't make this more than it is, okay?"
Her mother's demeanor turns flat again, and Hailey gets she's probably being harder on her than she needs to be, but that's something her mom taught her. Have a tough shell, don't let anyone get to you, don't let anyone in.
It's safer that way.
"I just wanted to make sure you were okay. That's all," her mom whispers.
"I am. I'm all good, mom," Hailey says. Her mother is about to respond when Hailey feels the vibrations of her phone in her pocket and she holds up a finger to her mother, signaling that she needs a moment.
Hailey checks her phone and internally groans when she sees the caller ID.
Jay.
"Give me one second," Hailey mutters to her mother before answering the phone.
"Hey," she says softly.
"Hey, where are you?" He says, and she notices the concern in his voice.
"I, uh...work got out late," she tells him. "I'll be home soon. Everything okay?"
"Yeah," he tells her. "I just got home, and you weren't here so I got worried. Wanted to make sure everything was okay."
"Yeah, all good," Hailey says, and she glances up at her mom to see a perplexed look on her mother's face.
"Okay. Just wanted to make sure."
"I'll be home soon," she tells him quickly. "Want me to pick up dinner or-"
"No, I'll figure something out for us," Jay cuts her off. "I love you. Get home safe, okay?"
"Yeah," she whispers. "Love you too."
She closes her phone and sticks it back in her pocket, letting out a low exhale when she sees that her mother's confused look has not changed.
"Everything alright?" She asks.
Hailey nods, grabbing her keys from her coat pocket and placing them on the table. "Yeah, just….
"Your boyfriend?" Her mother suggests gently and Hailey nods. She realizes that in any other situation, a daughter might be excited to tell her mother about the guy she's dating but with Hailey, it's simply not the case.
"Fiancé actually," Hailey murmurs.
Her mother's face starts to light up and Hailey immediately regrets even telling her. "Do you have a ring? Or a date or-"
"No," Hailey cuts her off. "It's recent, I don't have a ring, and we haven't figured any of that stuff out yet. Okay?"
"Okay," her mother hums, clearly disappointed. "Everything okay? You seem flustered."
"Yeah," Hailey nods. "He got home and was just wondering where I was."
"You lied to him," her mother states simply and Hailey looks up at her skeptically.
"You really commenting on my relationship right now?"
"No," her mother says quickly. "Just noticed you didn't tell him where you really were."
Hailey scoffs lightly as she pulls on her jacket and zips it up. "Because he doesn't need to know all of my family business. He doesn't own me, mom."
"You know, I used to do that with your father," her mother whispers as Hailey stands and grabs her bag. "Tell him I was somewhere else."
That's the comment that makes Hailey's blood boil, but she tells herself to remain composed for just a minute more. "Well, he's not dad. Not even close. I'm sorry...but I gotta go."
Her mother stands quickly and Hailey takes a step back, away from her. Her mother notices Hailey's hesitation and gives a small nod, taking a step back as well.
"It was good seeing you, Hailey. Maybe we can sit down again?"
Hailey sighs and everything in her wants to say no, wants to walk out of that door and never talk to her again, but honestly, she just doesn't have the energy to fight with her right now.
"You know where to find me," Hailey tells her before adjusting her grip on her work bag and stepping out from behind the table to leave the cafe.
Hailey figures she is only working at the diner for a few more months and the odds of her mother coming again are slim to none. She only tried to get her back a handful of times as a kid and now, she probably will put in less effort.
Still, that thought does not make her stomach churn any less as she walks out of the cafe.
Her mother's words whirl around in her head the entire walk home. The last time she heard her mother's side of the story, Hailey was too young to fully understand and most of what her mother said was in defense of her father, how he didn't mean it and he only hurt them when he drank too much. But today, it was different.
"I was stuck."
"I was scared."
Hailey knows stuck and she knows scared. Her whole life she was stuck in a house that terrified her and then she was stuck in a system that disregarded her. She knows the feeling of being stuck, has become friends with fear, and has a twisted relationship with the powerlessness that comes with those feelings.
It was only in the past few years that she started to become unstuck.
Or did she? Because she works sixty hours a week all for the hopes of a better life and some days it feels like no matter how hard she works, no matter how much she wants it, she is never going to get there.
She's stuck but it's just in a different form. She's still got no power and she's still scared out of her mind that she'll never make it.
But then there is Jay. Even if she is stuck in these meaningless dead-end jobs, there still is him. He is the good thing in her life. He is the happiness.
"I was stuck."
"I was scared."
Hailey knows Jay's not her dad. She knows it. He's a good man, he's got a good heart, and never in a million years would he lay a finger on her.
But Hailey also knows that she promised herself she would never turn in to her mother. She would never be stuck, and she would never be scared, and she would never let one person be her whole world to the point that she stopped forgetting how to live for herself.
But that's not what she's doing. She's working so they can have a better life, the life they have dreamed about since they were kids. She's getting her shot at a family that she never knew as a child, a chance at real happiness.
Hailey shakes her head as she unlocks the apartment door, hoping to rid herself of the confusing thoughts before she sees Jay. She barely has much time with him these days and she's not going to let her mother's impromptu visit get to her.
"Hey!" He says when he sees her, turning around in the kitchen and smiling at her. He is standing over the stove, a pot of boiling water in front of him, a wooden spoon in hand.
She gives him a tired smile and shucks off her coat and tosses her work bag on the floor before going over to the kitchen and wrapping her arms around his back and resting her cheek against his shoulder.
"How was work?" He murmurs, tilting his head awkwardly back to kiss her forehead.
"Fine," she mumbles into his shoulder. "Long."
"Why did they need you to work late?"
"What?" She asks, not even registering his question.
He tilts his head back again. "You said you had to stay late. Everything all right there?"
Suddenly, she remembers telling him that little white lie while she was back in the cafe with her mom. Slowly, she unwraps herself from his embrace and comes to lean against the counter a few inches away, cocking her head towards him.
"Yeah, everything's fine," she tells him. "Person on the next shift got there late."
He hums, seemingly accepting her answer and returning his attention to finishing their dinner. Hailey feels bad lying to him, but she figures the last thing she wants to do right now is have a full-fledged conversation about everything that seeing her mom brought up. It will worry him and bring down the mood and that's not how she wants to spend their night together.
Jay knows bits and pieces of her past and she is sure he can use his imagination to fill in the rest. But she doesn't exactly want to sit here and tell him everything, at least not now.
Jay launches into some story about what happened at the Police Academy today and Hailey tries to listen intently, ignoring the little bit of guilt in her stomach that is starting to build.
(February 2009)
"You can't judge me when you see it, okay?" Jay mumbles as he tugs on Hailey's hand and leads her down the hallway towards their apartment.
"I have no clue what you're talking about," Hailey giggles and Jay just looks at her over his shoulder with a smirk that says he's not buying it.
It's her birthday, the first one she thinks they have ever celebrated together, and it's the first time since she was a child that she actually is looking forward to celebrating at all. She worked a late shift at the diner and much to her surprise, Jay was waiting outside the diner when she got out of work, ready to walk her home and surprise her with her birthday celebration.
"Just promise you won't leave me for some guy who can actually bake," Jay says. He drops her hand and reaches into his coat pocket, fumbling around for his keys for a moment before pulling them out.
But before he can unlock the door, Hailey gently grabs his hand again and turns him around to face her.
"You know I'm not marrying you for your baking abilities, right?"
"Is it for my good looks?"
Hailey rolls her eyes and shoves him lightly, turning him around. He unlocks the door with a chuckle and drops his keys back into his pocket, reaching back for her without even looking.
The smile that grows on her face is involuntary when she sees the little scene in front of her. The couch is pushed back and there are blankets on the floor. On the kitchen counter, is an unopened pizza box and a small white cake resembling the one she made him for his birthday a few months ago.
Hailey drops his hand and goes over to the counter to inspect the cake, scrunching her face up happily when she sees "Happy Birthday Hails" written in blue frosting.
"I would have written your whole name, but I ran out of frosting," Jay comes to stand behind her, wrapping one arm around her chest. "Also, the "y" in birthday kinda looks like an 8, and I was scared to do another one so…"
She turns around in his arms and raises herself up on her toes, pressing a kiss to his lips, and then another to the underside of his jaw before whispering "Thank you."
He sends her a sickly sweet smile, his fingers tapping out a pattern against her hips as he gazes down at her. "I'm gonna put the pizza in the oven to heat it up," he whispers. "Wanna go get changed?"
Hailey nods, pressing one more quick kiss to his cheek before slipping out of his embrace and going to the other side of the apartment to quickly get changed, throwing on black leggings and one of Jay's old sweatshirts. As she walks back into the living room, she pulls her hair out of the messy bun it has been contained in all day and works out the knots and gnarls with her fingers.
The oven beeps, signaling it is done preheating, and Jay puts the pizza in the oven and sets a timer on the microwave. While his back is turned to her, she moves to the kitchen island and grabs the small cake, and brings it over the blankets he has set up in the living area.
"That's for after dinner," he hums, following her to the blankets and chuckling at her as she sits down.
Hailey just shakes her head with a smile. "It's my birthday. We are doing cake first."
"Hailey-"
"You really gonna try to argue with me, Halstead?" She raises a skeptical eyebrow at him.
"No," he hums. "I was just going to say we can't start until you blow out the candles and make a wish."
She watches as he scurries into the kitchen and grabs a box of matches, a few candles and two plates, forks and a knife. He returns to her with a smile, coming to sit cross-legged in front of her. Hailey takes the plates and utensils from him as he focuses on putting several candles in the cake.
"Okay," he leans back with a proud smile. "Make a wish."
The phrase brings her back to being a kid. When she was four, she remembers silently wishing for a horse and when she was nine, she let herself dare to wish for the abuse to stop. She hasn't blown out candles on her birthday since she was twelve and she stopped making wishes a long time ago, but she looks at Jay and she thinks maybe she doesn't need to wish anymore.
"Already have everything I need," she hums, and Jay just rolls his eyes.
"That's a cop-out answer," he smirks. "You could wish for a million dollars or for a jet ski or something really cool for us. Try again. Make a wish."
Hailey shakes her head in laughter and thinks for a moment about all she could wish for: money, health, more secure jobs for both of them, but no matter what she thinks of, she keeps coming back to one thing.
I wish that this thing between us never changes.
She wishes that things stay simple and pure, and they don't get angry and they don't get scared. She wishes and maybe she even prays that things always stay this good between them.
As she blows out the candles, she thinks about them, happy and free, and it makes up for all of those wishes that never came true when she was a kid.
He smiles lovingly at her when he cuts the cake, handing her a big first slice and laughing as she excitingly takes a bite.
"If the cop thing doesn't work out, I think baking is in your future," she hums, licking the frosting from the corner of her lips.
"It's from a box, babe," he chuckles, and he reaches forward and wipes the remaining frosting from her lip with his thumb. She blushes at the gesture, and he just laughs quietly before taking a bite of his much smaller piece.
"Don't care," she says, her words slightly muffled by the next bite she takes.
"Good to know that your love can easily be bought with boxed cake mix."
"I'm simple, Halstead," she points a cake-filled fork at him. "You should know this."
He rolls his eyes, shaking his head as she contently pops her bite of cake into her mouth.
"Anyway," he draws the word out. "You're the big twenty-three now. What do you want to accomplish this year?"
She scrunches up her face in disgust. "Ew, what type of question is that?"
"That's what you ask people on their birthdays," he says with a chuckle.
"I didn't ask you that on your birthday," Hailey points out and he is rolling his eyes for the second time in under a minute, and she swears if she didn't love him so much, she might say something about it.
"Yeah, well we got a little distracted on my birthday," he hums, the knowing smirk on his face making it quite evident that the events of that night are replaying in his head. "But I'm asking you now. What do you want to do this year?"
She sets down her plate and thinks for a second. With so much of her life focused on survival, she has not put much time into thinking about other things that she wants to accomplish.
"I mean, I want to get into the Academy," Hailey starts slowly. "That's really all I can think of."
There is a hesitant look on Jay's face, the one he always gets when he is overthinking a little bit too much for his own good, and she just shoots him a questioning glance.
"That not the answer you were expecting?" She chuckles lightly. "I mean, maybe we'll get married this year, but I don't know if you've looked at our bank account lately-"
"Not that," he cuts her off with a nervous laugh. "There's no rush. We got time. It's just…"
"Whatever you are going to ask, just ask it, Jay."
"Do you ever think about finding your family?"
The question throws her for a loop. It feels out of the blue given the light-hearted nature of their night and the fact he has never once asked about her family. It's not something they have talked about since they were teenagers and even then, Hailey barely told him anything. Her history with her family is something she put away in a box and locked up years ago and has not thought about since.
She can tell he regrets the words the second they are out of his mouth, his lips instantly tightening into a straight line and his hands fidgeting with his fork. And as much as he probably hates the question, she hates it more, but she tries to play it calm, for his sake.
"No," she says simply. "There's no point."
"You don't want closure or-"
"No," she cuts him off a little harsher than she intends to. "They left me. I haven't seen them since I was a teenager and I have no interest in seeing them now."
She never told him that her mother stopped by the diner a month ago and that she lied about it. By extension, she never told him that her mother stopped by again and continued to try and tell her that her father has changed, that he is trying to be better.
The second time was different than the first. Her mom only stopped in for ten, maybe fifteen minutes, and brought her a coffee during her break. She asked Hailey how she was doing and tried to get one or two more pieces of information about her life. She didn't push too hard though and left without a fight when Hailey's break was over.
The only similarity between the two visits, though, is how Hailey felt off when she came home. She left work both days and was unable to help but distance herself from Jay, lost in her own thoughts, unable to get out of her own head.
She is not quite sure why she doesn't tell him. Maybe it's shame and a fear that he is going to look at her with pity, that he is going to view her as a charity case.
Or maybe, it's a fear that the way she has been overthinking for the past four weeks is going to rub off on him and he is going to do some overthinking of his own.
Since she met with her mother that first time, she can't get her voice out of her head, repeating "I was stuck" over and over like a broken record. It makes Hailey think of how she has always felt stuck, powerless with no control, and how she never wants to feel any of those things again.
It makes her scared that things with Jay might just be too good to be true because how does someone like her maintain something this good without it eventually going sour.
She thinks about the way her father ruined her mother, how he dimmed her light and stole her spirit, and she never wants to do that to Jay with all of her issues, but on the alternative, she doesn't want him to ever do that with what spirit she has left.
And it's not that she thinks that he ever will, but her father wasn't supposed to do it either.
But bringing up these thoughts, concerns, and fears with Jay? It's messy and uncomfortable and honestly, talking about her feelings has never been something she has been a fan of. In her house, you didn't talk about your feelings. Hailey wouldn't even know where to start. It feels safer figuring out all these things on her own because, at the end of the day, they are her burden to bear.
She can figure this out and she can deal with the demons, and she can make this thing work long term. Plain and simple.
"Sorry I brought it up," Jay says after a while in a clearly uncomfortable tone.
"It's fine," she says in a rush, hoping to just change the conversation. "Tell me about your day."
And that's the end of that conversation. They slip into easy small talk of their days, but Hailey still feels a heaviness at the mention of her family, at her decision to hold things back from him.
But it's for the best. That's her past and it doesn't affect her now and there is no need for him to know all the things she has seen, all of her fears for the future.
She loves him. That's all he needs to know. The rest is hers to figure out.
(March 2009)
Saying it was a long day would be an understatement.
It was an endless day. Nonstop customers, short-staffed, a couple of rude middle-aged women who were far too demanding of Hailey for how much she makes an hour.
And to top it off, her mother stopped by.
Her mother has started to drop by once, maybe twice a month. It's never the same day of the week, and it's never the same time, but it's always the same cup of coffee and the same question of if she's okay and the same rehearsed speech of how her father is trying to change.
And each time, Hailey takes the coffee and tells her mom that she is fine, and ignores any and all comments about her father.
At this point, she is not quite sure why she just hasn't told her mom to stop. Maybe she sees that her mom needs it.
Maybe a small piece of Hailey needs it too.
By no means is she forgiving her mother or looking for a relationship with her. But there are feelings that come up every time she sees her mom, feelings she hasn't felt since she was a kid, and they keep getting louder and bigger and a part of Hailey thinks that maybe this is the first step in starting to deal with them.
There is anger and there is hurt and there is confusion and fear. Fear of intimacy, fear of the future, a fear of being stuck.
For a while, she thought she was invincible because she saw everything with her parents. She knew what she didn't want, so it would be easy to find what she did want.
But as she gets older, Hailey learns it is not that easy. She can't just put those feelings in a box and never think about them again. She doesn't know why she keeps seeing her mom, why she keeps telling her one or two more things about her life, and keeps listening to one or two more things about how things used to be. Maybe this will help her move on or maybe even it's the closure she needs.
Every time, though, it makes her overthink things, gets her head running a mile a minute and when she finally gets home, she is plain old tired.
Hailey walks through the front door and tosses her bag on the ground without a second thought. Immediately, she rips her coat off and toes off her uncomfortable non-stick shoes that Jay affectionately calls her "tire shoes" due to their thick black rubbery appearance.
She plops herself down onto the bed and thinks about how she just wants to sleep for a solid week and avoid all responsibilities when she hears the key in the front door, not even sitting up to look up as the door swings open.
"Babe, I'm home," the familiar voice calls out and if she had any more energy in her, she would get up and greet him properly. But, instead, she just props herself up on her elbows, leaning back slightly, watching as he comes in and shrugs off his jacket.
"Hey," she calls out, smiling slightly when she catches a glimpse of his face. He comes home tired these days, and she can see it on his face that the days are long and hard, but his eyes never fail to light up when he walks through the door.
It almost makes her feel bad that she is coming home exhausted and drained, from work and from her mother, and that he often is the one who bears the brunt of that, but she tells herself she is doing the best that she can and it's only for a few more months.
"How was work?" Jay asks as he walks over to the bed, chuckling as she flops back down on her back. He comes to sit on the edge of the bed next to her, his hand finding its way to her thigh.
"Long," Hailey breathes out. "I feel like I could sleep for a week. I'm exhausted."
"You look it," Jay says, smiling when Hailey shoots him an offended look. "Sorry, Hails, but you look tired. Beautiful, but tired."
"What a charmer, Halstead," she murmurs.
"You should take some time off," Jay suggests. "Get some real rest. I honestly don't even remember the last time you took more than a day off."
"We can't afford that, Jay," Hailey says with a sigh, refocusing her attention on the ceiling instead of his face. She can feel his hand on her thigh now rubbing comforting, nonsensical patterns.
"Hailey, we can figure it out for a few days," Jay reasons. "You've been so tired and-"
"Jay, we can't afford it," Hailey says again, a little sterner this time. "We don't have the money for me to take a day off right now, let alone a few."
"I'll pick up a few shifts at the mechanic on the weekends," Jay offers with a shrug. "To make up for the-"
"No," she cuts him off. "I'm fine."
She doesn't know why the suggestion sits so wrong with her, but it does. It leaves a prickly feeling on her skin that she can't quite explain, but she feels the incessant need to get rid of it.
"Hailey-"
"Jay," she pushes herself up on her elbows again. "I'm good. Focus on the Academy. You're right at the end. You don't need extra stress now."
"But-"
"It's fine," she cuts him off again. "I'll sleep when I get a job that actually gives me paid time off."
"Hailey, come on, just take a day-"
"Jay, I'm fine," she snaps. She sits up straight and crosses her legs, positioning her body to look right at him. "I am fine and when I stop being fine, I will let you know. But I am not taking a day off."
It's quiet for a moment as Jay just watches her, worried eyes scanning her face as he waits for her to say something and eventually, he sighs. "Why do you do this?" Jay asks, calmly. "Why is it that when I offer to help you get mad?"
"I'm not mad," she bites out, and she notices that the hand that was resting on her thigh has stilled. "I'm just tired, Jay, and I really don't feel like having this argument."
"I wasn't trying to argue."
"Okay," she sighs. "Then just take the no and move on. I'm not taking a day off. It's my decision."
"Okay," Jay resigns, retracting his hand from her leg. He places both his hands on the mattress and pushes himself up, walking away towards the kitchen. "You're right. Sorry I brought it up."
A part of her almost feels bad because she knows he is just trying to take care of her and she wishes that she was able to let him in more to do that. But still, even after all this time, there are still certain walls that just won't seem to come down.
It always surprises her how, sometimes, the smallest things make her clam up. It's him telling her he will pick up a few extra shifts so she can get some rest or him doing some random kind gesture to make her smile. Sometimes she appreciates it but other days, like today, something inside her boils up and it bothers her. And that response scares the hell out of her.
Because she doesn't understand it. She knows she should want him to help her, and she wants to let him in more, but Hailey does not understand why on some days, she just can't.
"I was stuck."
"I was scared."
No. That's not it. She's not scared. Not when it comes to Jay. She just knows that right now, she needs to be taking care of things for both of them. When he is out of the Academy, things will be easier.
"How was your day?" Hailey asks quietly in an attempt to pacify the tension.
"It was fine," Jay answers quickly. "Did you eat yet? I can make something real quick."
She can tell by the tone in his voice that he is frustrated, but she does not dare point it out in fear of making things worse. "No," she tells him. "I just got home a minute before you did."
Jay hums in response. "Any preferences?"
Hailey shakes her head. "Whatever you want is fine. Want any help?"
"No," he calls out, back turned to her as he opens the fridge. "I'm fine. You lay down."
It's not lost on her that even when he's mad, he is trying to take care of her, and it makes her heartache for the way she just acted towards him. She doesn't understand why some days are just harder and why some days, she can't quite seem to control her thoughts and feelings, but watching him, she wishes she could make sense of it all.
"Hey, Jay?" She calls out after a few minutes. She is still sitting on the bed, quietly watching him cook in the kitchen.
"Yeah?" He turns around from where he is standing at the counter, cutting up some vegetables.
"I love you."
He smiles, that same smile that he had when he walked through the door. "Love you too. Always have."
His words make her feel a little bit lighter and she smiles softly at him, "Always will."
He turns around and keeps chopping up veggies and Hailey finally lays down and just watches him.
Hailey doesn't notice when, but slowly but surely, she starts working more. It starts when the oven stops working and they have to pay to get it fixed and she justifies she'll just work a few extra hours for two weeks so they don't have to dip into the little bit of savings they have.
But then the car breaks down a month later quickly followed by Hailey getting sick and missing a few days of work and when she bounces back, she bounces back hard, working more hours than she ever has.
She justifies that it's so they can have a little more money in savings, a better safety net for when she starts the Academy in the fall.
It has nothing to do with the way her mother's voice is getting louder in her head or the way Jay has asked her several more questions about her family and she has shut each one down.
She's working sixty hours a week to keep herself unstuck. That's all it is.
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