This chapter is heavier and deals with a few difficult topics and a difficult case. Feel free to skip any parts you are uncomfortable with!
TW: Mentions of death, case involving young children, PTSD, nightmares, drinking
I spaced myself from you cause I got tired of hurting you but now I'm hurting too
- The Black and White by The Band Camino
(March 2009)
The first few weeks Hailey starts working more, Jay does not think anything of it. The oven breaks and then their car is on the fritz, and he offers to pick up a few extra odd jobs. But she tells him no, stating that he is so close to graduating from the Academy and he needs to focus on that.
He feels bad, letting her work so much, but he justifies the minute he starts actually getting paid to be a police officer, he will take every opportunity for overtime he can get to pay the favor forward and support her when she gets into the Academy.
It's Friday and it's the first night this week he is getting home before 10:00 pm and he is so excited to just sit down and have a real meal and conversation with Hailey that he practically bolts up the stairs at full speed. But when he unlocks the door to the apartment and sees her in her diner uniform, he shoots her a confused look.
"I thought you didn't have work tonight," he says questioningly as he sets his bag down by the door and peels off his winter jacket.
She turns around and gives him a tired smile as she adjusts her name tag. "They are short-staffed tonight and Carla asked if I could come in."
Jay sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose in exhaustion. "And you said yes?"
Hailey shrugs as she walks past him to grab her own coat. "Jay, we're not exactly in a position for me to be turning down hours at work."
She makes an attempt to step away and grab her purse off of the kitchen counter, but he gently grabs her wrist before she is able to, pulling her back to face him.
"I know, but…" he starts tentatively. "I just haven't seen you all week."
"That's not my fault, Jay," she bites, a little too harshly, before sighing and shaking her head. "I know, I know...but, Jay, we need the money."
He knows that she's right and he hates even feeling remotely frustrated right now because she is doing this for him and for them. She is working herself to the bone right now so she can keep a roof over their heads while he attends the Academy in the hopes that next year, he'll be able to return the favor.
"I know," he murmurs, letting go of her wrist and pulling her into a tight hug. He waits a moment, feeling her stiff body soften against his chest before he continues. "I just hate it, you know?"
"I know," she nods against his chest, savoring the warmth for a moment before pulling back to look at him. "But just a few more months, right?"
"Just a few more months."
He presses a long, slow kiss to her forehead, feeling the vibrations of the content hum she lets out against his chest. They stay like that for a moment longer before she removes herself from his embrace and finally goes to grab her bag, giving him a quick kiss to his cheek before whispering that she will see him that night.
As she goes to open the door, Jay calls out to her, his feet still firmly planted in the middle of the room, "Hey Hails?"
"Yeah?" She asks quickly, head thrown over her shoulder to look at him.
"Love you."
She visibly softens and shoots him a sweet smile. "I love you too. Always have."
He smiles, but it's small and the corners of his lips don't quite reach as high as they normally do when she whispers those words. "Always will."
When she disappears out of the door, Jay can't help but feel defeated. He had been looking forward to seeing Hailey all day and now, she is working and he probably won't see her again tonight. He'll be lucky if he gets to spend a whole hour with her tomorrow. But he reminds himself that it is only going to be a few more hard months and then everything will be better. They just have to survive a few more months.
And with all that they have already survived, a few months of chaos should be nothing.
Jay tugs at his collar as he makes his way outside, fighting the urge to rip off his tie here and now. He hates the stuffy feel of his police blues and he looks forward to the day he eventually becomes a detective and does not have to wear them anymore because they are stifling.
But then he sees a smiling blonde walking towards him and he forgets about the polyester uniform for a moment as he smiles and makes his way over to her.
"Looking good, Officer Halstead," Hailey makes a show of scanning him up and down and he can't help but laugh as she comes to press a chaste kiss to his cheek.
"I hate this thing," Jay scoffs as she leans back, gesturing to his get-up with his right hand.
"I like it," she shrugs, eyes still focused on him.
"You saying you got a thing for guys in uniform?" He lowers his voice, mindful of his fellow officers who are trying to celebrate the day with their family members.
He's graduating from the Police Academy today. It feels like such a surreal experience to be standing here, in a police uniform, Hailey by his side. Honestly, it feels surreal that he's even still alive some days. For so long, he thought he'd die over in that war. But he didn't and somehow, he managed to make something of his life. Much of that is thanks to Hailey and just the thought of that makes him smile as he looks down at her.
"I'm not not saying that," she hums. "Just makes me sad I never got to see you in your military uniform."
He opens his mouth to respond and closes it quickly, shaking his head and playing it off as nervousness at her teasing. "You really didn't miss much."
Hailey levels her eyes at him, attempting to glare at him with a serious face he knows is all for show. "I highly doubt that. If you looked half as good in that as you do in this, we probably would have started dating a long time ago."
Jay chuckles, breathing out a sigh of relief at the lighthearted turn the conversation takes. "That's all it would have taken? Seeing me in uniform"
"Yup," Hailey draws out the word and pop's the p, raising her eyebrows as she does so. "If I came to your military graduation, you probably would have gotten lucky that night."
"What about tonight?" He asks, eyebrow raised confidently, and immediately, she lets out a laugh, head thrown back as she shoves his shoulder gently, even though her answer is evident by the look in her eyes. It makes him laugh too, the flirty smile on his face fading into a happy one.
"I'm gonna remember that you like this look," he murmurs quietly. "Pull it out when I need brownie points or something."
"Yeah, okay whatever," she scoffs before changing the subject. "I took lots of pictures today. You can send them to Will later if you want."
He feels a small twinge of sadness at the mention of his brother's name, wishing that he could be here, even if things between them were a little complicated at the moment. Since their mother's passing, the brothers started fighting a little more and speaking a little less. Still, Will is his brother and Jay had really wanted him here, but between his med school finals and his clinical rotations, there was no practical way he could come out to Chicago, even if it was just for a few days.
And then there is his father and even though Jay extended him an invitation out of grace, the old man is nowhere to be seen.
Some small part of Jay had allowed himself to believe that they would both be here on his big day to cheer him on and to properly meet Hailey afterward, but that's just not how it worked out. However, he can't find it in himself to stay sad too long when he looks at Hailey's proud smile beaming up at him.
"You're a real cop now," she says, her hand coming to rest on his chest. Her fingers trace his name tag as she gazes up at him.
"Terrifying, right?" He says with a chuckle.
"Maybe," she grins. "But I'm also ridiculously proud of you."
"This is gonna be you next year," he says, eyes scanning around the crowd. They are outside the police academy and all of his classmates are also dressed in their blues, smiling with their families and celebrating for one day before the real work begins tomorrow.
"You gonna teach me all the tips and tricks?" She cocks her head up at him as she lets her other hand come to rest on his chest. They are in their own little world right in the middle of the sidewalk and maybe tomorrow some of his classmates will make fun of him for the PDA, but today, he does not care.
"Every single one of them," he hums, pressing a quick kiss to her forehead. She closes her eyes and smiles, instinctively leaning her head towards him.
"You're going to be an amazing cop, Jay."
Initially, when he thought of coming home, Jay was hopeless. He didn't know what he would do or who he would become, but somehow, the universe allowed her to walk back into his life when he needed it the most. It's not lost on him that if he had not found her when he did, he wouldn't be a cop and he probably would be in some deep trouble, either with the law or alcohol or girls.
But she has saved him, in a way she doesn't even know, without trying, and he will be forever grateful to her for it.
"You too, Hails," he murmurs, gently grabbing her hand off his chest and tugging her down the sidewalk to their car. "We're really doing this."
"We are," she says, squeezing his hand.
He raises her hand to his lips to press a kiss to her skin, and maybe it's a thank you for saving him or maybe it's a promise to support her when it's her turn to be in the Academy, but either way, she smiles, somehow understanding what he doesn't have the words to say.
(April 2009)
The first thing he sees is the fresh blood on the ground. The bright red stands out on the dark black pavement and something in Jay tells him he is going to remember the contrast of the colors for a long time.
"You good?" His training officer, Eric Powell asks him when he sees Jay slightly flinch at the sight of the blood.
It's not his first time seeing blood, or even a dead body, but something in Jay's gut tells him he is not going to like what he is about to see, despite all he has already experienced.
"Fine, sir," Jay says simply.
He's been a cop for a month and during that time, not much has shaken him. As morbid as it sounds, he prefers the action-packed calls over the writing traffic tickets and the security alarms that accidentally go off. There's something about chasing a suspect, about not knowing how the interaction is going to end, that makes the adrenaline course through him and somehow makes him feel alive, safe.
Jay and his partner were riding patrol today when they got a call about a drive-by shooting on the Westside. The street was a well-known one for gang disputes and drug deals, and Jay foolishly assumed that was what they were walking into. The person who called 911 didn't give any information, just said there were shots fired and to hurry. But when he saw the way people crowded around in an old basketball court off the street, Jay knew it wasn't just a gang dispute.
"Chicago PD, everyone back up," Powell yells out as he and Jay make their way to the crowd of people.
And that's when Jay sees it.
Not it but him.
The child is no more than eight, maybe nine, and is laying on the concrete, a terrified look plastered on his face. Next to him kneels who Jay assumes to be one of his friends, a young boy around the same age with blood on his hands and shirt.
"They just drove by with a gun," the young boy explains, never removing his hands from his friend's abdomen. "They shot Ricky in the side. My mama taught me to do first aid, but I don't know if…"
Jay silently removes the young boy as Powell tries to secure the scene. From there, everything is in slow motion. The way the ambulance rolls up and the EMTs run over to help Ricky even though he is already gone, the way the detectives from the Homicide and Gangs units stroll in with grim looks on their face, already knowing what happened before having to ask, the way the people in the crowd continue to cry out, asking if the boy is alright.
The way the officers lay a white sheet over the young boy, still laying on the concrete.
It's all slow motion until Jay and Powell are walking back to their shop an hour later in near silence.
"You okay?" Powell asks matter of factly as they get into the patrol car. "First dead kid...it can be a lot."
The thing is, though, it's not his first. He saw this far too many times in the army. Young, innocent lives lost in a war that was not theirs to fight. Nameless faces that plagued his dreams in the early months when he came back. He would close his eyes and see someone's face, some making an appearance more often than the others. He thinks of the little eight-year-old girl, dark skin and a beautiful face, who was hit in the neck by his nine-millimeter sniper. If he slows down, like he is right now, he can still see her, blood pooling on the ground, crying out for help.
He sees far too many faces, young lifeless eyes that didn't sign up for the terror they were living through. It's not his first, not even close, and it makes him think of the countless others that came before Ricky.
And he could probably tell Powell that, but he wouldn't understand, and even if he did, what would be the point. Because talking about it didn't change anything. It doesn't bring any of the faces back. The only thing it would do was make the wounds hurt worse.
"I'll be fine," Jay says at last. It's the last thing he says for the rest of the drive to the police station.
Jay is surprised by the way Hailey practically leaps off of the couch when he gets home that night. It's late, much later than he typically gets home from work, and he assumed that she would be asleep.
Or, more accurately he hoped that she would be asleep. She's still been taking on a lot of extra hours at work and Jay thought that after another ridiculously long day at the diner, she would come home exhausted and not have the energy to wait up for him.
But she's up and walking across the small apartment with a concerned look on her face the minute he opens the door.
"What happened?" She asks quickly, not even giving him time to walk through the door. "I kept calling and texting you. Your shift ended hours ago."
"Why are you still up?" Jay completely ignores her concern, shrugging off his jacket and hanging it up on the rack next to hers, not looking at her as he does so. "It's late."
"Exactly," Hailey says and this time, her voice is a bit more annoyed than concerned. "I get that sometimes you work late, but this was really late. I was worried."
"Sorry," Jay murmurs as he takes a step towards her. "My phone died. I should have borrowed someone else's."
It's not a complete lie. His phone did die about an hour before his shift ended. And he could have asked Powell to use his phone just so he could call Hailey and let her know where he was, but it's not like it would have done much.
Because he didn't come straight home. Jay doesn't remember how, but he made his way to some bar and drank a few too many beers with some strangers in an attempt to forget Ricky's face.
It didn't work. If anything, it all just made him think of the countless other faces even more.
But she doesn't need to know that, not Ricky and not the bar. Hailey's been doing enough, stretching herself thin to try to pay rent so that they can have a better future, so he can do this thing he so desperately wants to do and be a cop.
He can't put this burden on her, not when she is already carrying so much.
And telling her about Ricky? It would mean telling her about the countless other faces and that is something he knows he is not ready for. He's never told Hailey what happened overseas, not the stuff that mattered. She knows surface-level stories and objective details, but she doesn't know what he saw, what he felt.
Jay rationalizes that she doesn't need to know. On some deep level, she must know he saw lots of difficult things and they affected him, but he tells himself she does not need specifics.
And maybe he does it to protect her, from the death and the pain, but maybe he does it to protect himself, from remembering the pain and from her seeing him differently.
Hailey takes a step forward and presses a quick kiss to his lips and if she tastes the beer on his breath, she doesn't say anything.
"I'm just happy you're okay," she whispers. "I get worried. And I get that its part of the job and it's what we signed up for but-"
"But I should have let you know that I was going to be late," he cuts her off gently. His hands make their way to her hips, and he tugs her a little closer, mustering up all of his effort to shoot her a small smile. "I'm sorry."
Hailey gives a small nod. "You okay?"
"Fine," Jay breathes out. "Just one of those long days, you know? I'm all good now."
He can't quite tell if she believes him, but she doesn't argue with him, instead tugging on his arm and leading him deeper into the apartment.
"You want food?" She asks. "I brought leftovers home from the diner. I can heat something up if you want."
Jay shakes his head. "I'm really just tired. Kinda just want to go to sleep."
Hailey nods, redirecting them from the kitchen over to their bed in the corner of the apartment. They make quick, silent work of getting ready for bed, a sharp contrast from so many other nights where they are teasing each other and laughing as they go through their routines.
She crawls into bed first and when Jay glances at her, it is written all over her face, the knowledge that something is off with him, but he can't find the words in him to tell her everything. It's a can of worms he can't open, for her sake, but also for his.
He is scared that if he starts talking it will remind him that for so much of the war he was barely hanging on. And maybe right now, in this moment, he's not hanging on as well as he would like to believe, but it's his problem to deal with, not hers.
So, he simply gets into bed next to her and reaches out for her, feeling a wave of relief when she lets her body melt against his. Hailey curls up against his side, her fingers tracing against his bare chest, his hand rubbing up and down the curve of her spine.
"I missed you today," Jay whispers into the dark silence of the apartment.
He feels her shift, propping herself up on her elbow, her other hand still drawing nonsensical patterns against his skin. "You sure you're good?"
Jay nods, despite the darkness. "I'm good. Just a long day."
"Okay," Hailey breathes out, resuming her original position, with her head on his chest. "I missed you too."
"It's just a few more months like this," he whispers, and he doesn't need to say what this is for her to get it. Just a few more months of barely seeing each other, of being dead tired when they do each other.
And Jay likes to think by the time those months are up, he'll have figured out a way to carry the burden of the job a little better, that maybe he won't still be feeling as hopeless as he does right now.
"Just a few more months," Hailey responds quietly and it sounds hopeful, like a promise.
He holds her close as they drift off to sleep, clinging tightly to both her and that promise.
It does not take long for the nightmares to start.
He's no stranger to nightmares. Jay remembers having a few towards the end of his time home after his first leave, in the weeks after his mom died. But, he attributed it to the stress and the chaos. The nightmares strangely stopped when he went back overseas and maybe he was better, but honestly, his body was probably just too tired to have any dreams, good or bad.
He had more nightmares when he came home for good and this time, they were worse. When he closed his eyes, he saw the Humvee, he saw Mouse, he saw the others who did not survive. He would wake up screaming, crying, sweating, always in a pure panic.
When he started dating Hailey, though, her presence was enough to dampen the nightmares, at least for a bit. If he had a particularly bad day and just felt off, he made up some excuse and stayed at his dad's place, and on other days, he could manage them. As the months went on, he got used to it, and by the time they were living together, he learned how to get through a nightmare without waking her up. Eventually, they became less and less frequent.
But this time, the nightmares run rampant. He doesn't have a nightmare the first night after seeing Ricky, his body beyond tired, but the second night? The second night is hell.
It's not long after he closes his eyes that he sees the young boy's face and this time, Ricky is not alone on the ground. There are countless other faces, young children Jay saw overseas lose their life all in the name of the war.
He tries to run over to them, to save them, but his feet are glued to the ground. He tries to yell out for help, but he lost his voice. Everywhere he looks, there is blood and bullets and death.
When he looks down, there is a gun in one hand and bright red blood on the other.
His body shakes violently, in a way he did not even know was possible and he can feel the sweat drenching his body, but no matter how much he tries, he can't wake up. He knows he needs to wake up, to stop the shaking, to stop the whispers of fear, but he can't.
He's stuck.
"Jay!" He hears a familiar voice call out. "Jay!"
And before he can even attempt to respond, to try to find the voice, he feels a hand reaching out for him and his body shoots straight up, eyes shooting wide open. His breathing is faster now, labored breaths making his chest heave up and down as he frantically looks around, finally seeing Hailey sitting up next to him.
They're in bed. He's in Chicago. He's not in Afghanistan or at that crime scene. He is in bed with Hailey.
And she looks scared.
He's never seen her look like this, not even when they were kids, and she was hopping from house to house. Her eyes are wide and she is leaning back, just watching him, mouth slightly agape. He moves away from her quickly, not even thinking as he throws the blankets off of himself and gets up, making his way over to the kitchen, never taking a second to look back at her.
Because he can't see that terrified look again. He's barely hanging on, but that look, it will break him. He's never seen her look scared but right now, she is scared when she looks at him.
"Jay," she whispers harshly, but he doesn't respond. He goes to the cupboards and grabs a glass before filling it up at the sink, chugging his water down.
"Jay," she says again and this time, her voice is accompanied by the sound of ruffling blankets and footsteps. He hesitantly turns around to see her out of bed and walking towards him, messy hair and a concerned frown.
"I'm fine," he breathes out and he barely even believes the lie, but he doesn't have the energy to make it more convincing.
"Jay," she tries again, louder, standing right in front of him in the kitchen.
"I'm fine," he bites out a bit harsher than he intends. "It was just a dream, I'm good. Trust me."
"What was-"
"I really don't want to talk about it, Hailey," he sighs. "I'm just really tired. But I'm okay. It was just a dream. Probably just stress or exhaustion. Nothing to be worried about."
He can see it in her eyes, the way she wants to fight him on it, how she wants to push him to open up and tell her what happened, but also the small part of her that knows no matter how much she pushes, he is not going to budge.
"Okay," she whispers. "Wanna go back to bed?"
Everything in him screams no, but when he glances at the clock and sees that it's only 2:42 am, he knows he has to say yes, so he gives Hailey a small nod and reaches out for her hand, tugging her back to bed. They settle back into the bed, and she tentatively comes to lay by his side, right arm outstretched across his chest. He wraps his own arm around her back, tugging her a little closer, almost subconsciously, knowing that even if he can't talk about it right now, he just wants her close.
Jay holds her while she falls asleep that night, but he just counts the minutes until his alarm goes off at 6:00 am. He doesn't bring up the nightmare the next day and thankfully, neither does she.
(May 2009)
Somewhere in the chaos of it all, their routine shifts. Jay remembers the early days of their relationship, where he would come straight home from his shift work and Hailey would come straight home from the diner and they would spend their evenings together.
But then he started at the Academy. And there were some nights that he needed to stay late and other nights he needed to go to the gym to prepare for the week. Hailey understood it though, and never said a negative word about his change in schedule. She silently supported him and always smiled a little bigger when he came home at something resembling a normal time and spent a few uninterrupted hours with her.
But as the months passed, she started working more too. It was not as abrupt as his change in schedule. She gradually started adding more hours to her work week, started picking up a shift here and there until she was working late most nights. She never said why, always claiming someone was out sick or she wanted to help out, but he could tell there was a reason behind her wanting to work so much.
Jay never asked though, figuring she was worried about the money they were bringing in or she wanted to save up some money so she could focus solely on the Academy in the fall. He gets that and wants her to have that opportunity, so he silently supported her in just the same way she had supported him.
And for a while, it was fine, until staying late at work meant talking a little less and stress on the job meant nightmares and holding things in. Before Jay knew it, on the nights he wasn't working late, he was finding something else to distract him. Because being home alone in the apartment while Hailey worked yet another shift was too overwhelming. The silence was just too loud, leaving too much room for his thoughts, so he went somewhere else.
It started as more nights at the gym and shifted to getting dinner some nights and then it became stopping at a bar on his way home. He drank a few beers, chatted with some strangers in the hopes of thinking of something else, and for a few hours, ignored the chaos in his mind.
He always made sure to leave with enough time to get home and shower before Hailey got home from work. He would meet her with a tired smile and something thrown together for dinner and that would be their night.
Not quite how it was when their relationship began, but still, something.
It's supposed to be the same routine tonight. Work, drink, home. But as Jay puts his key in the lock and hears movement in the apartment, he knows that the routine will be different tonight.
Slowly, he opens the door, seeing Hailey already sitting on their small couch in the living area. Her head shoots around to see him, worried eyes catching his gaze, and he is sure that she wants to immediately ask where he's been but is biting her tongue for his sake.
"You get out of work early?" Jay asks quickly as he plops down his work bag and toes off his boots.
Hailey shakes her head. "I wasn't feeling well. Carla sent me home a few hours ago. You catch a case or something?"
Jay instantly feels bad, thinking of how if he came straight home, he might have been able to help her while she was not feeling the best. "Yeah, I had to work late. Sorry. But are you okay?" He asks as he walks over to the couch. "You need me to run out and grab anything."
Hailey shakes her head. "I was just feeling really run down. My head was killing me. I felt off. I slept for a few hours and I'm feeling better."
He sits down next to her on the couch and raises a hand to her forehead, checking for a fever. She smiles slightly, reaching up to grab his hand and place it in her lap.
"I'm fine," she says with a chuckle. "Just needed to rest. You can stop looking at me like I am about to break."
He lets out a strange combination of a laugh and a sigh, squeezing her hand as he does so. "Just making sure," he murmurs.
Hailey smiles, leaning forward slightly to give him a kiss. It's shorter than Jay anticipates, and she is pulling away before he can fully respond, a confused look on her face.
"Have you been drinking?"
"What?"
"You taste like beer," Hailey says, eyes squinted at him. "Maybe something else too but definitely beer."
"Yeah," Jay breathes out. "I went out and grabbed a few beers with some guys from work."
"Okay," Hailey slowly nods and Jay can tell she does not quite believe him but she doesn't want to show it. "Why didn't you say something?"
"What?"
"You normally text me if you're gonna go out," Hailey says, cocking her head to the right. "I mean, I'm not trying to be one of those girls that asks you to tell me where you are at all times, but you're a cop and I get kinda worried when you're home late and-"
"I should have said something," Jay cuts her quickly. "Sorry."
She bites her lip and nods, letting go of his hand in her lap. She stares at him for a moment, as if waiting for him to say something. The look on her face does not sit well with him and after a moment, she lets out a low sigh. "I know you're lying."
"Hailey, I-"
She puts up a hand to stop him and shakes her head. "Don't treat me like an idiot, Jay, please. I know when you're lying. Your voice changes the same way it has every time you've tried to lie to me since you were sixteen."
He sits there, mouth agape, trying to think of a response, but nothing comes. Instead, he just watches Hailey. She doesn't get mad and her face does not change and he can't quite figure out what she is thinking, a rare occurrence for him.
"I don't care if you go grab a few drinks after work," Hailey continues when Jay does not say anything. "I do care about you being honest with me though."
Jay nods, wishing he could put together a response. At this point, he does not even care if it's an apology or an excuse, he just needs something to make Hailey stop staring at him with the disappointed look she is currently sporting. But he can't find the words and Hailey presses her lips together into a tight line, throwing her legs over the couch and walking towards the kitchen.
"Hailey," Jay calls out, immediately standing up and following her.
"I'm literally just getting water, Jay," she says, obviously annoyed. "I'm not mad."
She opens the fridge and grabs their plastic water pitcher, placing it on the counter before walking to the other side of the kitchen to grab a cup. The whole time, she is hyper-focused on what she is doing, not looking at Jay even once.
"Hailey," he tries again. "I get that you're mad-"
"I said I'm not mad," she bites out, back still turned to him as she pours her water and retraces her steps to put the water back in the fridge.
"Then what are you?" Jay breathes out.
She closes the fridge door harshly and turns around, jaw clenched and eyes sad. "Confused. I don't get why you didn't just tell me the truth. It's not even a big deal. I don't care if you go grab a drink after work"
"I should have," Jay sighs. "You're right. I'm sorry. I just know how stressed you've been with work so I didn't want to worry you."
That gets her attention, and she cocks her head at him, freezing in her spot. "Did something happen at work?" She asks, tone softer than it has been since she called him out.
"Just a rough day," he says, figuring that it's not quite a lie and he hopes she won't see through this one. "I just needed to process some stuff."
"Have you done that before?" She questions in a small voice. "Gone to the bar to process stuff?"
Her question strikes him as odd and for a second, he just stares at her. Her demeanor is such a sharp contrast to the annoyed frustration she had just seconds ago, her face now soft and her body language small.
He wonders if maybe she knows that he is still lying or if she is thinking of her own father who turned to the bottle when things got hard. And Jay knows that he could come clean right now, tell Hailey that he's struggling and he needs help, but he knows that most days, she is barely holding on too and he does not want to bring her down with him.
Battling his demons is something he needs to do alone so he does not destroy her in the process. It's the reason he never sent her letters when he went overseas: he did not want her to see him differently, have her memories of him be tainted by blood and death. Now, it's the same thing.
She's already seen so much and it's not fair for him to burden her with this too.
"Once or twice," Jay says, taking a step forward. "But honestly, I'd rather just go to the gym or come home to you."
He waits on bated breath for her to call him out but she doesn't. Instead, she hesitantly nods. "Okay," she whispers. "You know you can talk to me about this stuff...right?"
"What stuff?"
"The job," she clarifies, taking a small pause before she adds. "Or...the military if you want. You never really talked about it when you got home."
"There's not much to talk about," Jay shrugs. "That was a while ago."
"Okay...but you can tell me if something's wrong. You know you can talk to me about anything, right?" She asks, hesitantly, and he can see the little bit of hope on her face that she is trying to hide.
"Yeah," Jay says, taking one more large step and closing the gap between them, reaching out for her hands. "Of course. I'm sorry, it was a silly thing to lie about."
"It's okay," she says slowly. "I get that work can be hard. I just..." she pauses and he can tell she is trying to find the right words. "I worry, you know?"
He feels a pang of guilt in his stomach, and he thinks maybe Hailey knows more than she is letting on, that he is not quite fooling her when he pretends to be asleep after having a nightmare and she is starting to notice the tiredness in his eyes when he comes home at the end of the day.
"I know," Jay whispers. "I'm sorry that you worry."
Hailey shakes her head and squeezes his hand. "No, don't apologize. It's part of the deal."
He smirks a little. "What deal?"
"Being together," Hailey says like it's the most obvious thing. He can tell she is trying to suppress a smile, the corners of her lips starting to slowly curl up as she looks at him. "I love you so I worry about you. It's just part of the deal but I don't mind it. You're worth it."
Normally her sweetness would make his heart race, but right now, it makes the guilt in his stomach grow, because he knows he is not being completely honest with her.
And maybe he should be, but not now. Not yet.
"I love you. You know that?" He asks, watching as she finally lets herself go and cracks a real smile.
"Yeah," Hailey whispers. "I do. I love you too. Always have, remember?"
"Me too. And I always will. Now, come on," Jay tugs on her hand and starts to lead her back to the couch. "You are laying back down and I am making you dinner."
"Jay," she laughs lightly. "I said I was fine."
"I know," he hums. He stops walking when they are next to the couch, turning around to face her. "But the whole worrying thing is a part of the deal apparently. So, let me take care of you, okay?"
Right now, he might not be in the mindset to help himself but the one thing he knows he can do well is taking care of her.
"Okay," she breathes out. "Nothing complicated though. I know you're tired."
Jay laughs, unable to resist leaning down to give her a quick kiss. "You say that like we can afford to have any fancy food in that fridge."
She rolls her eyes, bumping his shoulder as she walks past him to flop down onto the couch. "One day, right?"
Jay smiles as he walks back over the kitchen and starts rummaging through their near-empty fridge. "Yeah, one day we will totally be those people who buy food with the fancy names that we can't even pronounce."
"Good," Hailey calls out from her spot on the couch and he can hear the laughter in her voice. "I can't wait."
Neither can he, he thinks. It makes him wish they could get past this rough patch they are in, her working such long hours that it makes her physically sick and his mind so active that he can't even sleep at night anymore. He knows that things are not where they should be, or even where they used to be, but Jay thinks that if he just keeps pushing a little harder, they'll get to where they need to be.
So, the kid being named Ricky actually is not a nod to 9x03. I had this chapter written weeks before 9x03 aired and the kid's name was always Ricky. Just another fun coincidence I guess (or I keep accidentally manifesting stuff. Not sure at this point.)
Reviews?