I know it wasn't your plan to just be the one to hurt me
- My Thoughts on You by The Band Camino
(July 2009)
Jay's fingers pull at the red string around his wrist as he walks down the street, a small bouquet of flowers in his hands, and he hopes and prays that this is not a bad idea.
His partner Powell needed to be in court today, leading Jay to working desk duty, his least favorite. But it means he got off of his shift at a normal time, unlike most days, and with all of the chaos that has been going on at home, he thinks it's a good thing.
He and Hailey have not been seeing eye to eye lately and maybe it's the nightmares or maybe it's their hectic schedules. No matter what it is, though, he doesn't like it.
He loves her, even when they are fighting, and he wishes that they could find a way to get back on the same page, just like they used to be.
So, he figured since he got out of work at a normal time, he would surprise her at the diner at the end of her shift and take her somewhere for the evening. They are strapped on cash, but he figures one night where they can just forget about all of the stress and the finances and the past will do them some good.
He hates being at odds with her, and he understands part of it is his fault, his unwillingness to talk to her about the nightmares and about everything that happened overseas, but he can't burden her with that.
He can't bear to break her with all he has seen, he can't bear to have her look at him differently.
And, eventually, he knows, he will figure out a way to bear the burden on his own. He will figure out a way to adjust to the job. They will both stop working such crazy hours and things will be fine.
And maybe this is the first step. Surprising her after work, just like he used to do when they first started dating.
As he strolls up to the glass windows of the diner, he stops, his fingers pausing their nervous motion with the red string around his wrist. He always kept it on his person during the first few months he got back stateside, but sometimes, it was not practical to wear it, especially when he was working as a mechanic. And then he became a cop and it was the same thing. So, he took to keeping the red bracelet in his wallet or sometimes even in his pocket.
But then there are days like today where he needs a little extra encouragement, so he pulls it out and puts it on his wrist.
Jay can't help but smile when he sees her. Her hair is in a messy ponytail and it's clear that she's tired, a fake customer service smile plastered on her face, but the sight of her still makes his heart skip a beat.
She's still got about twenty minutes left on her shift and as much as he wants to see her now, he figures the proper way to start out this surprise is not getting her in trouble at work, so he finds a bench outside the diner and sits and waits for her.
For fifteen minutes, it's just people watching, noticing who enters and exits the diner and who makes their way down the street. Being a cop has only heightened his sense of his surroundings and even now, it's not something he can turn off, but it helps him pass the time. As his fingers nervously continue to play with the red string bracelet, he notices a woman walking toward the diner, but she does not go in, instead staring through the window like he did. After a moment, she approaches the bench.
"Do you mind if I sit down?" She asks quietly. "It'll only be for a few minutes."
Jay nods and slides over to the other side of the bench, noticing that the woman is wearing an oversized sweater that must be unbearably warm due to the summer heat. She must catch him looking at her because she gives him a kind smile before nodding to the flowers in his hands and asking, "You meeting someone?"
"Yeah," Jay coughs, not expecting the stranger to try and make conversation. "My fiancée. She's getting out of work soon."
The woman hums. "My daughter works here too."
Jay nods, unsure what to say, and for a moment, there is silence, until he notices the woman looking him up and down.
"You're a cop?"
He looks down and glances at his uniform, eyes traveling to his badge where the woman's gaze is. She's perceptive, and he feels odd having a conversation with her, but he figures it's something to pass the time.
"Yeah, I'm CPD."
"My daughter is going to be a cop," the older woman whispers proudly. "Just got into the Academy."
Jay is about to congratulate the woman when it hits him. He should have noticed from the blonde hair or the blue eyes or the way her makeup is caked on too heavily but now, it all makes sense.
"You're Hailey's mother?" He breathes out the question, the words barely formed in his own brain before they are leaving his mouth and he just watches as the woman's expression changes to one of confusion.
"Yes," she nods. "You know my Hailey?"
Jay silently nods, trying to find words, but before he can, the woman pieces it together for herself.
"You're the fiancé," she states simply.
The fact that she says "the fiancé" instead of Jay's name means that Hailey has told her mom about him, but that she hasn't told her much. And normally, that might concern him, but right now, he's more focused on the fact that the woman knows anything about him at all.
Hailey told him the last time she saw her mother was when she was a teenager, and that she had no interest in seeing her again.
Clearly, that was a lie.
"Yeah," Jay says. "I'm the fiancé."
She looks at him strangely, like maybe Hailey has told her stories, but more likely like she hasn't. Her mom knows she's engaged but not his name. Does she know he's the boy from her childhood, the one that lived next door while Hailey was in foster care?
"You treat her well," her mom says. It's more a comment than a question and her mother nods towards the flowers in his hands. Jay swallows nervously, although he is not sure why, and nods.
"I try," he says. "She's the best thing that's ever happened to me, so I try to do right by her."
Her mother hums, pressing her lips into a tight line, an expression he has most certainly seen before on her daughter.
"I wouldn't have come to see her today if I knew you two had plans," her mother says quietly after a moment. "I just assumed she would be free today. That's my fault."
Jay shakes his head. "I didn't tell her I was coming. I was going to surprise her."
He holds up the flowers for extra emphasis and her mother's lips form an "oh" expression. It's then that Jay realizes Hailey is going to come out any minute and the last thing she needs is to see Jay talking to her mother.
The mother she lied about seeing.
Of course, some part of him is angry that she lied to him but, if he's honest, a larger part of him is hurt that she felt the need to keep this from him. He knows more than anyone else about her family, so why is this the thing she can't trust him with?
And as frustrated and hurt as he is, he also does not want her to come out here and feel bad, especially when things have already been so rocky between them.
So, he stands up, hands tightening on his flowers, and he turns to her mother. "You should see her. She sees me all the time. I know how much the time you two have means to her."
It's all a lie. Hailey barely sees him, and he has no idea how she feels about the time with her mother, but he feels like he needs to do something.
"That's not necessary," her mother says. "I'd love to get to know you. We can all go grab some coffee."
Jay shakes his head. "I appreciate that ma'am, and I'd love to get to know you too. But it should be Hailey's choice."
By the way her face changes, maybe Hailey's mom gets what he is not saying. That Hailey hasn't told him much about her and what he does know, it's not pretty.
"I can leave-"
"It's fine," he cuts her off. Honestly, right now, he's probably not much company for Hailey anyways. He's hurt that she lied, and he's frustrated with how everything has been going and he just needs a little bit of space.
"It was nice meeting you," Jay says quickly. "I hope we can get to know each other properly soon. Have a good afternoon with Hailey."
Maybe it's rude but he doesn't wait for her to respond before he walks off. Partly because he feels bad for lying about wanting to get to know her, but mainly because he does not know how much longer he is going to be able to keep the emotions at bay.
By the time the door opens a little over an hour later, Jay's on his third beer. If they could afford to buy the hard stuff, he would drink that instead, but all they have in the apartment is cheap beer, so he drinks that in the hopes it will distract him.
It doesn't.
He does not get up when he hears her come in. But he looks across the small apartment to see her slip in quietly, still dressed in her work uniform, her long hair now down and running over her shoulders. She looks over at him on the couch, now out of his police uniform, and sends him a small, sheepish smile as she locks the front door and sets down her bag on the floor.
"Hey."
"Hey," he murmurs, setting down his beer.
And then, it's silent. She stands awkwardly by the door, and he sits on the couch, just watching her, waiting for her to say something, anything. But she doesn't, instead just staring at the coffee table and after a moment, he notices that she is not looking at the empty beer bottles, but rather, the red roses he was supposed to give to her.
"I know you saw her," Hailey whispers at last.
"I did," he states it simply, looking right past her as he does.
"Are you going to say something?" She asks, maybe hopefully, and Jay just shrugs.
"Nothing really to say. We talked for a minute. She figured out who I was."
"Jay-"
"It's not a big deal," he says, standing up, grabbing two of the empty beer bottles, and making his way over to the kitchen to throw them in the recycling. As he walks back out to the living area, he notices she still has not moved from her spot a few inches from the door.
"Why are you being like this?" She asks smally.
"Like what?"
"Like this!" Hailey says, louder, arms extending out towards him. "Why are you acting like you don't care?"
He shifts his weight on his feet, standing in front of her and cocking his head to the side. "What do you want me to say, Hailey?"
"Anything!" She argues. "Yell at me because you're pissed at me for lying or ask me why the hell I did it. Just don't pull this withdrawing "I'm fine" crap that you have for the past few months."
There it is. The words that pull the trigger and hit a nerve with Jay. He was frustrated before, but now he can feel the heat rising in his cheeks and anger is starting to build.
"Real nice, Hailey," he bites out. "Turn it around on me. It's my fault that you lied to me."
"That's not what I said-"
"It's what you meant," he cuts her off angrily. "I don't tell you about all the stress of the job and all the problems I'm having, so you don't tell me about your mom. Seems about fair."
"That's not it!"
"Then what is it?"
It's the first time he thinks he's ever raised his voice at her. He knows her past. He knows all that she has been through with her father and the countless foster parents who would raise their voices and he always made a point of not yelling at her but right now, he can't see anything but red and all his common sense goes out the window.
He's tired from the long hours and he's frustrated from the months of being on edge and he's just so damn hurt.
But none of it hurts as much as the way she recoils. Watching her take a step back, watching her lose her solid stance and look at him like she's scared, it flips a switch in him he didn't even know was there.
"It was my problem to figure out," she spits out in a hushed tone. "She's my mother. I didn't have an obligation to tell you anything."
"But you did have an obligation to not lie to me," he retorts, trying and failing to keep his cool. "I asked you if you thought about seeing them again and you lied."
He watches as she tenses her jaw and shakes her head but instead of responding, she walks right past him, pacing for a moment before she comes to a stop behind him. He turns around to look at her, her arms now crossed and her stance steady again.
"What do you want to know, huh?" She shrugs her shoulders angrily. "Want to know why I was seeing her? What kind of things we were talking about? Why in the world I would ever talk to her? Want me to give you a play by play of all the crap she and my dad put me through when I was a kid? Would that make you feel better Jay?"
He opens his mouth to respond but he is speechless. Hailey, on the other hand, is far from done.
"I didn't plan on seeing her," she tells him. "She came and she found me. And I most certainly have not forgiven her, but I also get that she didn't have a lot of choices. She was stuck in a shitty marriage. So, she comes to see me once a month and we have coffee and sometimes we talk and that's it. It's not a serious thing and she is aware that I don't want her to have a more active role in my life."
"You have the right to do whatever you want with your family," he says, and she rolls her eyes at him, annoyed. "But I just don't get why you lied to me….why you kept lying to me."
"Because I didn't want this," she says, motioning between the two of them. "I didn't want it to become some big thing. You were going to ask me to talk about it or you were going to think it was a bad idea or whatever and I just didn't want to deal with it. It's my family. It's my decision."
"I don't even get why you'd want to see her after everything," Jay says and the minute the words are out, he realizes it's the wrong response. Her hands are on her hips within a second, her head cocked to the side, her nostrils flaring.
"Don't you dare assume anything about my family," she bites out. "You don't know what you're talking about."
'You're right," he says angrily. "I don't know. But that's because you won't tell me a damn thing. You haven't told me anything about it since we were kids."
"You're really gonna get on your high horse about opening up?" She takes a step forward. "When you won't tell me about what's going on at work and you won't tell me about the nightmares and you won't tell me about Afghanistan. You don't have a leg to stand on, Jay."
"At least I didn't lie-"
"Didn't you?" She cuts him off. "How many times have I asked you if you were okay and you said you were fine when we both knew you weren't? How many times have you said that you were 'dealing with it," but in reality, you're just working late so you don't have to talk to me about it?"
It's all tit for tat at this point. He makes a point, she throws the same one back at him. She says something, he tries to one-up her. It's not even communicating, it's a competition, but it's not surprising when they have not communicated in months.
"You got any other complaints about me?" He mocks. "I keep secrets from you. I work too much. Seems like stuff you do too. How many extra shifts did you work this week? Or are you even working? Lying about that too? Maybe hanging out with your mom some-"
"Screw you, Jay."
She spits out the words and then, it's silent. For the first time since she walked through the apartment door, he looks at her, really looks at her, and he sees how tired she is. She's drained, both mentally and physically, after weeks of working crazy hours, of keeping everything to herself, of dealing with the complicated emotions that surely came when her mom reentered her life.
And he's about to say something, maybe apologize for snapping at her and saying all of these awful things, or maybe ask her calmly what's been going on with her mom but before he can, she whispers something. He almost misses it, looking up at her with confused eyes but she's already glancing down at the floor, avoiding his gaze.
"What did you say?"
"I said," her voice is a little louder. She looks up at him and he can see the tears in her eyes. "I was scared of being stuck."
"What do you mean stuck?" He asks and she shakes her head.
"My whole life I've been stuck, you know?" She says with a sardonic chuckle. "Stuck in a crappy situation with my dad, and then stuck in the foster system. I get out of that and I'm stuck working these crappy jobs trying so damn hard to make a better life for myself."
"Hailey, I know that I-"
And then it hits him. She's scared of being stuck again.
Maybe it's not even something she realizes but looking at her now, the fear in her eyes, he sees it. She's scared of being stuck again, getting into something that she can't get out of, of not being able to make the life for herself that she has dreamed of.
And deep down, he thinks a part of him gets it. If he went through everything she did, he might be scared of being stuck too.
"Hailey, that's not going to happen with us-"
"I know," she whispers, wiping away the tears quickly. "I know. It's just...no matter how hard I work and no matter what I do, it always feels like I'm stuck. I just can't get to the next step."
He's not sure if she's talking about her job or their relationship or what but whatever it is, it's worrying him. So he takes a step forward, reaching out for her, but she steps away.
"Hailey, you'll get there," he says. "You're almost there…"
"It's not just that," she tells him. "I'm stuck with work and then my mom randomly comes back and...there's all these feelings I have never dealt with and I don't even know where to start. There's all this stuff that happened with my dad and in foster care and seeing her makes me think about it. But I don't want to think about it, so I tried pushing it away. But not thinking about it makes it worse and-"
She stops, taking a large breath, and it looks like she is going to break down or have a panic attack at any moment. Her eyes are wide, and her face is red and she looks more overwhelmed than he has ever seen her.
"Hailey, whatever it is, we will figure it out," he tells her, suddenly not caring about the nightmares or her seeing her mom or any of it. "We'll make it work."
"But what if we can't?" She asks. "Jay, I didn't learn relationships. You want me to open up to you, but I don't know how. And I don't think you know how either."
"So, we'll learn-"
She shakes her head, fists balled at her side as she closes her eyes shut in an attempt to stop her tears from forming again. Hailey lets out a low breath, slowly opening her eyes and looking up at him. "Some days I barely feel like I'm keeping my head above water. I want to be a cop so bad. I want to make a better life for myself, and I think I can but-"
But I can't do it all.
She doesn't have to say it, he knows by the look in her eyes what she is saying. She can't make a better life for herself and pick up the pieces of everything her parents ruined while simultaneously trying to figure things out with him. She can't focus on becoming unstuck if things between them are failing.
It's too much. She's going to break.
"And Jay," her lip quivers, and the tears finally start to fall, rolling down her cheek. "Your nightmares are getting worse. You know it. And you're stressed all of the time and you're not you. And I want you to be you but you have to actually address what happened and stop using our relationship as a distraction."
"Hailey-"
"You know I'm right," she cuts him off gently. "We're both doing it. If we're happy and we're together, we don't have to acknowledge all of the big tough things. You don't have to talk about the war and I don't have to talk about my family."
"I know," he says quickly. "But we can figure it out. It wasn't always like this, remember?"
Before the chaos and the closed offness, it was happiness and simplicity, stolen glances and sweet smiles. He believes deep down they can get back there, that they are not doomed to this.
"But wasn't it?" She shakes her head. "Jay, I'm not ignoring the fact things were good. You know they were. But we never talked about anything. We got together a month after you came home. You never dealt with anything that happened overseas. I never dealt with what happened when I was a kid."
Jay nods. "Is that what you're doing now? With your mom?"
"I think so-" Hailey breathes out. "Or at the very least, it's showing me that I need to. For so long I thought I was good but...I've got some healing I need to do."
It breaks his heart, hearing her words because he knows where this is all going. But he also knows she's right. They jumped into something, and maybe they could blame the fact they had already missed so many opportunities but it did not change the fact that they never dealt with their stuff.
He never talked about his war and she never talked about hers. But that didn't make the trauma from the wars any less real.
Somehow, it made them louder. And they kept getting louder and bigger and bolder until suddenly, they couldn't not acknowledge it.
"So, we both go to therapy," Jay offers, taking another step closer, thankful that this time, she does not back away. "I'll get in some support group and I'll talk to some guys at work and figure out how they balance this all with their families and I'll try to stop pushing you away. We'll do the healing. We'll figure it out."
He can tell she wants to believe him, that it's physically hurting her to stand her ground and not close the distance between them and wrap him up in her arms and say "okay." And as he watches another tear roll down her cheek, he knows that she feels as broken as he does right now.
"I want that, Jay," she chokes out. "I really do...but I think…maybe we need to do the healing alone."
Alone.
The word falls from her mouth and suddenly, he is seeing years of being alone. Of every time she left, and he did not know the next time he would see her. Of weeks and months and even years and hoping that she would walk about into his life again, only for him to get her back and lose her all over again.
When he doesn't respond at first, she continues, biting her lip as a few more tears slip out, "We're not fine. We haven't been for a while. We keep pretending we're happy but we're not. And Jay, if we keep doing that, we're going to ruin each other. So maybe we need a break."
"Hailey," Jay shakes his head vigorously. "Hailey, come on you don't mean that-"
"Jay-"
"I love you," he cuts her off, voice desperate as he takes a step forward towards her, but she stands still.
"I love you too...but I can't do this."
Maybe if he closes his eyes, and wishes and prays hard enough, this will all be one of the nightmares. Maybe he'll wake up and she'll be right next to him, sleeping soundly in their bed, her body wrapped up against his.
But when he sees tears start to roll faster down her cheeks and feels hot tears form in his own eyes, he knows that this is not a dream. This is really happening.
"Hailey, please," he chokes out in a desperate whisper. "I love you. We're supposed to be together. You know that."
She nods slowly. "I know...and I want us to be together."
He doesn't say anything, just waits for her to say the word "but" because he knows there is a but coming.
"Maybe a break wouldn't be the worst thing," she says softly like she is trying to convince herself that it's true. But her eyes make it clear, she barely believes it. "We'll take some time, deal with all of the stuff, and then…. then who knows. Maybe we can try again."
It feels so hopeless, even though she's offering him the idea of a second chance because he doesn't want that. He wants this chance. He wants to fight for her and for them and make it work, but he does not know how to do that when it feels like things are breaking more and more each day.
"How long?" He asks and Hailey just shakes her head sadly.
"However long it takes, I guess," she murmurs. "Took us like eight years to get together the first time, so I'd say we could definitely figure our stuff out quicker this time around."
It's a joke, her clear attempt at breaking the awkwardness and letting him know how much this is killing her too, and he smiles at the gesture, even though it still hurts.
"Hailey, you gotta promise me this isn't it," he whispers through a pained voice, words breaking. "That one day we are going to get a second chance and we are going to do it right."
She bites her lip and looks down, hesitantly, so he takes a step forward. "Hailey, I need you to promise me. I can't walk out that door if I think that this is it."
He needs the hope that, maybe, they can figure this out again. He can't let himself believe that this is it.
"I promise," she breathes out, the tears starting to roll down her cheeks again. "This isn't it. We're gonna get a second chance. We just need some time to figure things out. But one day…"
"One day we'll be ready," he finishes her thought, voice thick with tears. He wishes he could tell her more, tell her how he is going to do whatever it takes, that he will put in the work and that he won't make her wait long. But he doesn't have the words for any of it.
For a moment, they both stand in place, feet firmly pressed on the ground, sad eyes watching each other. It's clear they both have so much more to say, but they stay quiet, letting the words remain unspoken.
Before he can process it, Hailey is taking a step forward, wrapping her arms around his waist and resting her head against his chest. He is quick to react, holding her tight against him and pressing a long kiss to the top of her head.
"I love you,' he whispers against her hair. He doesn't care if that's not the thing you are supposed to say at a breakup. He needs her to know how he feels because if they never get their second chance, he won't be able to live with her not knowing.
"I love you too," she mumbles against his chest. "I love you so much."
"Always have?" He breathes out through the tears, the hope clear in his voice, and he does not feel himself relax until he hears her respond.
"Always will."
He doesn't want to let go, knowing that the minute he does, he has to leave and that will be it. He will be alone and empty and without her for the first time in years. The idea of not having her next to him when he has spent so many years searching for her terrifies him and he knows he is not ready to experience it again.
But he knows he has to let go. He has to let her heal, let her make the life for herself that she deserves.
He knows he needs to heal too. For her, so he can be the man she deserves, and for himself, so he can be happy again.
So, he reluctantly loosens his grip on her and takes a step back. Tears completely stain her face and her eyes are bright red, and he is sure he looks the same.
"I'm gonna pack up my things," he whispers, and she silently nods, just watching as he steps away and starts to get ready to leave.
It's quiet as he packs and he knows he could take his time, draw this out, but he does not want to make this any more painful for either of them than it needs to be. He quickly gathers the few things he has accumulated over the past few months and throws them into two bags, Hailey standing awkwardly in the middle of the living room the whole time.
"That's everything. I can come back for the rest of my stuff tomorrow while you are at work," Jay says as he zips up his second bag. He throws a backpack over his shoulder and securely tightens the other bag in his left hand before glancing at her. She is still silently crying but clearly trying to put on a brave face for his sake.
"Stay safe?" She says quietly and he nods.
"And you'll stay out of trouble?"
She smiles sadly, and he wonders if she is remembering all the previous times he has told her that. If it's making her wish that this is not how they would end up.
"I will," she whispers.
The only thing left for him to do is actually leave. It's not the first time he's leaving her but this time it feels different. It's not the universe forcing them apart, it's a conscious choice and somehow, that makes it hurt all the more.
All he can do is hope now that the universe will let them find each other again.
"Bye Hailey" he whispers.
"Bye Jay."
He wants to hug her again, to give her one last kiss. But he knows that if he does, he will not be able to leave. So, he flashes her a sad smile and walks past her. He sets down his bag to grab his keys off the table by the front door, taking one last look back at the little home they created together.
He sees the wall where they sat and he kissed her while she was helping him find a job and he sees the kitchen where he proposed.
He sees the roses he bought just a few hours ago sitting on the coffee table and it makes him think of the flowers he bought her when he was sixteen. It feels like a cruel joke because yet again, he's not getting to give her the flowers as he intended.
And then he sees her, the only truly good thing in his life, the only thing he has wanted in a long time. He sees being sixteen and having a crush on her and being twenty-four and knowing that he's hopelessly in love with her.
She's still wearing a sad smile and her eyes lock with his and it's clear she's thinking the same thing.
He gives her one last look, sees the past nine years flash before his eyes, and he hopes and he prays that this isn't it. That one day they'll get their second chance.
And then, he leaves.
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