Humor me could taking a break be the better thing? Just letting each other breathe
-Older by Gracie Abrams
(November 2009)
"Is this Jay Halstead?"
Jay looks over at his partner, mouthing a silent "sorry." Normally Jay is not one to take phone calls while at work but it's the third time his phone has rung in a half-hour, so he assumes it must be important. Thankfully, his new partner, Reade, is pretty understanding, just waving Jay off as he continues to drive.
"Yes, this is Jay."
"Hi, I'm a nurse from Lakeshore Hospital. I see you're listed as the emergency contact for Hailey Upton?"
Immediately, his stomach drops.
Hailey.
He hasn't seen her in four months since the breakup, or at least, not in person. If he's honest, he sees her every time he closes his eyes. Her smile, her face, her eyes. He sees them dancing in the kitchen or laughing in bed.
And he immediately feels regret. He wishes he had done things differently, that he had not kept everything buried deep all those months ago. He knows he had to let her go, for both of their sakes, but it kills him because all he wanted to do was hold on so damn tight.
But right now, he doesn't think about all of that. He thinks about how she is alone in a hospital in who knows what condition.
"Is she okay?" He breathes out, ignoring the way Reade looks over at him in concern.
"She's stable," the nurse tells him calmly. "She hit her head. We're monitoring her now for a concussion."
"Everything alright?" Reade whispers and Jay lowers his phone for a second, looking over at his partner.
"Can we make a personal stop at Lakeshore real quick?"
Thankfully, Reade doesn't argue, just radios in for dispatch to hold them down on a personal over at Lakeshore. Jay lets out a small sigh before raising the phone back to his ear and finishing his conversation with the nurse.
"Is anyone with her now?"
"No," the nurse hums quietly and Jay doesn't know why he asked, because he should have already known the answer. If after all these months he is still her emergency contact, there is no way anyone else would be in that room.
"Okay," Jay says. "I'll be there as soon as I can."
Jay flips his phone closed and lets out a groan, throwing his head back on the seat. Reade looks over at him, still wearing that same concerned expression.
"What happened man? Someone hurt?"
"My girlfriend-" the words roll off his tongue before he can stop them. The lie slips right through his teeth, but it comes out so simply that he almost believes it's still true.
"She okay?" Reade asks quickly. "What happened?"
Jay shakes his head. "I don't know. The nurse just said she hit her head…"
"Damn," Reade mutters under his breath. "That's not good. Do you know anything else?"
"No," Jay sighs. "I don't even know what could have happened...she's…"
Normally pretty careful.
Always making fun of me for being the one who gets hurt.
So tough that the fact she's in a hospital means this is something real.
"Hey, man," Reade offers lightly when Jay's voice trails off. "I'm sure she's okay. They would let you know if it was something serious.
"Right," Jay agrees. "Yeah, I'm sure she's fine."
Reade offers him a sympathetic smile before averting his attention back to the road. Jay is thankful for the moment of quiet, if anything, to let his thoughts run amuck.
He wonders how she is. If she's happy and if she's doing alright. Sometimes, at night, when the quiet is too loud and he's alone with his thoughts, he thinks about her. How she must be killing it in the Academy, how she must be making a name for herself and living out her dream.
It hurts, knowing deep down that she is doing amazing things and he is not by her side to see it because he should be.
That was the plan. From the time they were kids, the plan was to go to Tallahassee, get away and live their lives together.
Instead, she's in the hospital and he's sad in a cop car and they have not spoken in months.
Jay was a wreck after the initial breakup. Didn't sleep and didn't eat for weeks kind of wreck. His nightmares got worse without her in bed to hold him and to remind him that he was okay.
For the first few weeks, he went out after shift and drank too much and talked to strangers and hoped that it would all numb the pain. It never did though. It always just made him feel worse. Every time he met another girl or every time he had one too many drinks, he heard her voice in his head.
"This isn't it. We're gonna get a second chance."
If he has any shot of ever getting her back, of ever getting that someday, he knows he needs to do this right.
So, now, instead of going to the bar, he just goes home. It's not much, but it's a start.
And every time he wants to go get so drunk he can't see straight, he stares at the red string bracelet he put back on his wrist.
While they were dating, he stopped wearing it every day. He didn't need the reminder that there was something keeping him alive in the middle of all the chaos. He knew. He had her, something real and tangible that he could go home to at night.
But now all he has is the hopes of someday, so he puts the string back on, hiding it under the sleeves of his uniform and not caring if anyone says anything.
He plays with the string for the rest of the drive, hoping that he's not making a mistake by showing up at the hospital.
"I'm fine, really," Hailey mutters, feeling like a broken record as the nurse asks for the fifth time if she wants some pain medication for her head.
It's barely even an injury, she just got hurt during a tactile defense class at the Academy because the other person did their move incorrectly. But no matter how many times she said she was fine, the instructors insisted that she go get her head checked out "just to be safe."
Which Hailey understands is a fancy way of saying "so we don't get sued," but it's still frustrating, especially when it's cutting down on her training time.
The nurse gives up arguing with her, saying that Hailey has to stay for a bit to be monitored but she'll be released in a few hours. Hailey sighs, annoyed that she can't just leave, resigning herself to getting comfortable and setting up camp for the next few hours.
It's hard to even do that, with the stiffness of the hospital bed and the IV in her arm that she swore up and down she didn't need. But she was a bit dehydrated when she got here and the nurse said at the very least, it would help with that and nausea so, at one point, Hailey stopped arguing. But now, her eyes are drawn right to the needle in her hand, and she wishes nothing more than that she could rip it out and go back to the Academy.
She's almost three months into her time at the Academy and she could use many different words to explain her experience, but it all boils down to one thing.
She loves it.
She loves that it gives her a purpose, something that makes her excited to get up in the morning. It's long days and exhausting weeks, but somehow, it still invigorates her in a way she has never experienced.
It's a distraction from all the bad and the pain and it's something that, for once, makes her hopeful about the future.
It's not long before she hears the shuffling of feet, and the curtain of the examination bay is being thrown back yet again. Hailey sits up on the bed, sure she is about to have to tell the nurse for the sixth time that she is refusing medication, but just as she opens her mouth, she stops.
Because it's not a nurse. It's Jay.
He looks the same, which isn't surprising given it's only been a few months. But, still, he looks a little more tired, a little more worn and she wonders if it's from the chaos of the job or the chaos of the breakup.
Hailey knows for her, it's the latter.
As much as her head tells her it was the right thing, that they both needed space to grow and to heal in the hopes that, maybe one day they could try again, it still kills her that they aren't together. She thinks about the argument over and over in her head, wondering what she could have done differently to avoid this outcome.
"Screw you, Jay."
She spits out the words and then, it's silent. She's never spoken to him like that, but right now, she's so angry, so tired, so broke, that she has nothing left in her. For the past few months, she has been running on low, and now, she is empty.
It's clear in his eyes that there is something he wants to say and maybe it will change things, but more likely, it's too late. Before she can stop herself, Hailey is whispering out the words that have been rattling around in her mind for months.
"I don't want to be stuck."
"What did you say?" He asks, looking up at her with confused eyes.
"I said," she says again, a little louder. "I was scared of being stuck."
"What do you mean stuck?" He asks and she shakes her head.
"My whole life I've been stuck, you know?" She says. "Stuck in a crappy situation with my dad, and then stuck in the foster system. I get out of that and I'm stuck working these crappy jobs trying so damn hard to make a better life for myself."
"Hailey, I know that I-"
He doesn't know. He doesn't know how terrified she is of being in something that she can't get out of, of always being stuck in a crappy situation, of never being able to make a better life for herself.
Her whole life, the only person Hailey could rely on was herself. Deep down, she knows she can make a better life for herself, but she also knows that she is the one who has to fight for it, she is the one who is going to have to make the sacrifices.
"Hailey, that's not going to happen with us-"
"I know," she whispers. "I know. It's just...no matter how hard I work and no matter what I do, it always feels like I'm stuck. I just can't get to the next step."
"Hailey, you'll get there," he says. "You're almost there…"
"It's not just that," she tells him. "I'm stuck with work and then my mom randomly comes back and...there's all these feelings I have never dealt with and I don't even know where to start. There's all this stuff that happened with my dad and in foster care and seeing her makes me think about it. But I don't want to think about it, so I tried pushing it away. But not thinking about it makes it worse and-"
What she can't bear to tell him is she is already starting to feel stuck, in so many ways. No matter how much she works, they never have enough money. No matter how much they try to carve out time for each other, they never see each other and when they do, they fight. No matter how hard she tries to get into the Academy, she has to keep pushing off her dream.
And no matter how hard she tries to shake free of her past, she can't. It's always there, like a whisper, or in these past few months, like a scream.
"Hailey, whatever it is, we will figure it out," he tells her. "We'll make it work."
"But what if we can't?" She asks. "Jay, I didn't learn relationships. You want me to open up to you, but I don't know how. And I don't think you know how either."
"So, we'll learn-"
She shakes her head, fists balled at her side as she closes her eyes shut in an attempt to stop her tears from forming. "Some days I barely feel like I'm keeping my head above water. I want to be a cop so bad. I want to make a better life for myself, and I think I can but-"
She needs space. She needs to deal with everything. She needs to stop feeling stuck.
And she loves him too much to break him in the process, to break everything they have created. She wants to grow old with him, to wake up to him every day, but if they keep going on the path that they are headed down, Hailey knows none of that will be possible.
They're going to break each other or one of them is going to break themselves. But either way, things are going to break and Hailey knows something has to change before that happens.
She knows what she has to do, and no part of her wants to do it. She wants to be selfish, tell him they'll work it out, they'll heal together and learn, but she knows that's not the right thing to do.
She has to let him go.
"What are you doing here?" She whispers as Jay just awkwardly stands a few feet from her hospital bed. He's still in his patrol uniform and he must have come right from his shift.
"Hospital called me," he murmurs, finally looking up at her. "Apparently I'm your emergency contact."
Hailey lets out a small sigh. "They must have pulled your number from my Academy application. We were still together then. I'm sorry, I'll change-"
"Hailey," he cuts her off, shaking his head.
Maybe it's because he knows that she has no one else to put down, but a small part of Hailey likes to believe that it's his way of saying he still cares, even if they're not together at the moment.
"You didn't need to come," Hailey says nervously. "I don't want you getting in trouble or something."
He lets out a little laugh, and just the sound of it brings her back to being fourteen and having a crush on the boy next door.
"My partner is pretty cool about stuff like this," Jay tells her. "Besides, I wanted to come."
It sounds like a secret, the way he lowers his voice and whispers the words, and when Hailey glances at his face, he looks about as uncomfortable as she feels.
"What happened?" He asks lightly, taking a step closer to her hospital bed.
"Tactical defense class," Hailey laughs a little. "And before you say anything, I did everything correctly. The other guy on the other hand…"
"I'm gonna take a wild guess and say that you roughed him up pretty good?" Jay teases lightly. "Is he in here too? Getting stitches maybe?"
"No, he's just fine, unfortunately," Hailey rolls her eyes. "I'm fine too but you know the Academy. Any small injury and they make you go get checked out so-"
"They don't get their asses sued," he finishes her thought with a laugh.
"Exactly," Hailey hums.
And then, it's awkward silence again. The silence, the uneasiness, it's never been characteristic of them and Hailey wishes there was something she could say to fix everything, but she has no idea where to start.
"Can I ask how you've been?" She whispers.
It feels wrong, being the one who technically called things off and then sitting here and asking him how he's been, but she has to know. She's always worried about him and she does not think that is going to stop now.
Jay sighs. "Would you believe me if I said good?"
"Have you actually been good?"
"I've been okay."
His eyes are hard to read, and she thinks maybe he has been okay in the same way that she has been. Okay in a sense that she is able to get up and get through the day, but not without feeling a pang of regret at least once, if not more.
She wonders if he thinks of the what-ifs, the almosts, the missed opportunities in the same way that she does. She wonders if he almost picks up the phone ten times a day and has to convince himself to not hop in his car and drive across town to find her. Because she knows, for her, okay means constantly battling those urges.
"That's good," Hailey hums. She waits a moment, seeing if he's going to move at all, but he doesn't, just nervously shifting his weight on the balls of his feet in front of her hospital bed.
"You can sit," she offers. "If you're gonna stay. But I totally get if you have to get back to your shift."
She waits for him to leave and honestly, it's only fair. She's the one who ended things, the one who asked for a break so now, if he decides to walk right out of this hospital room without another word, she has no one to blame but herself.
But much to her surprise, he sits down.
He sits down on the far end of the bed, as far away as he possibly can be, and when she glances at the space between them, it feels like miles. His face is nervous as he looks down at the ground, waiting for the silence to become less deafening, and then, he looks up at her.
"Did they say how long you gotta stay here?" He finally asks.
"Like another hour," Hailey tells him. "Want to make sure I don't start throwing up or forgetting who I am or anything like that."
Jay gives a small quiet nod, and then, the corner of his lips curls up in a small smile.
"What?" Hailey questions.
"Nothing," he tries to hide his smile, but it's pointless. He looks up at her, his grin starting to grow. "It's just...you got hurt first. You used to always tease me about being reckless, but you're the first one out of the two of us to wind up here."
It's instantaneous, the way she rolls her eyes, remembering the countless days he left the apartment and she called out to him to be safe and not his "reckless self" as she liked to call him. It's quite ironic that she's the one sitting in the hospital bed after all of the teasing she has dished his way, but she thinks maybe it's another one of those indescribable ways the universe is trying to pull them together.
"In my defense, it wasn't really my fault," she tries, even though it's a lame attempt for an argument, and by the way Jay raises his eyebrow, she knows he is not buying it.
"Yeah, whatever," he mutters. 'You remember that the next time I get hurt and I say it wasn't my fault."
As soon as he says the words, he seems to realize his mistake. He's imagining a future where they are together for his next injury, where she gets called on purpose, not because he forgot to update his emergency contact information, and honestly, she wishes that all was a reality today.
"Sorry," he says quickly before Hailey is able to say anything. "I wasn't thinking. I-"
"Jay," she cuts him off. "You're good."
She wants to say more, wants to tell him that maybe they will be together the next time they are sitting in a hospital, that this is just a break and their second chance is coming, but she can't seem to find the words. So, instead, she just waits for him to say something, hoping that the same thoughts are racing through his mind right now too.
"How are you?" He asks, nervously biting his lip. "For real."
Hailey sighs, knowing that if it were any other situation, she could lie, but not with Jay. He'll see right through her, so there's no point in trying.
"Okay," she says. "I really like the Academy and I don't mean to brag, but I think I'm pretty good at it."
"Of course, you are," he smiles over at her. "Never had a doubt in my mind that you would be amazing at it."
"Thanks," she hums, taking a pause before asking, "What about you? How are you?"
She sees him hesitate, his eyes darkening in that familiar way that they do when she knows something has struck a nerve with him. He lets out a low sigh and gives a small nod before he answers.
"Okay," he breathes out. "Patrol keeps me busy, so that's good."
It's a workaround answer, she knows it, and there's some reason he doesn't want her knowing exactly how he's doing. Everything in her wants to ask more, but she knows it's not her place, not anymore.
So, instead, she settles with the safe question. "How's patrol these days?"
A small smile settles on his lips as he looks over at her. "Good. I got a new partner, Reade. He's good police. It's been good learning from him."
"That's nice," she nods, unsure of what else to add. He gives her a small, nervous smile and she just bites her lip as they let the awkward silence envelop them again.
There is so much she wants to ask him. How has he actually been doing? Is he able to sleep through the night these days? Are the nightmares gone? Better? Worse? Does he still have that little bit of anger simmering underneath the surface like he did in the last few months before it all fell apart?
And there's so much she wants to tell him. How she never left the apartment, even though she wanted to, because she couldn't bring herself to say that it was over. How she's finally dealing with the stuff that she went through when she was a kid. How she's at the top of her class in the Academy and breaking all the barriers down. How she's making her dreams come true.
How she misses him. How she wishes that things went differently.
But she looks at him and she thinks that this is neither the time nor the place. Hospitals are not places for confessions of love and maybe they are not ready for that quite yet.
Hailey truly believes they'll get there someday, that they will figure things out, but she knows she needs to grow more before she's ready. It's not fair to Jay or her if she doesn't.
She needs to deal with the trauma and the grief of her past. The horrors her father put her through, the sorrow of never having safety.
She needs to work through her fear of being stuck, her fear of emotional vulnerability, her hyper independence.
And she knows that Jay would stand by her through all of it, but this is something she needs to do on her own.
Just like he needs to heal on his own too. And she prays that he is putting in the work and healing right now.
She's about to say something, maybe ask him about where he's living or his brother or some other simple small talk that will pass the time, when she catches a glimpse of red out of the corner of her eye.
Her bracelet.
"You still wear it?" Hailey asks, in a low whisper, and it catches Jay off guard.
"What?" He questions.
"The bracelet," Hailey points at his wrist. "Is that the same one?"
Jay looks down at the string on his wrist, fiddling one end between his fingers before glancing back up at her. "Yeah, it's the same one."
Hailey hums, her own eyes glued to the familiar red string. "I didn't know you still had it."
She only remembers seeing it one time after she initially gave it to him when they were sixteen, the night he came back to Chicago during his second tour. Hailey honestly doesn't think she has seen it since. It was a going-away present, something to remember her by on what was supposed to be the last time they were ever going to see each other.
Little did she know it wouldn't be the last time and that little red bracelet would survive so much.
"I kept it while I was in Afghanistan," he whispers quietly, sounding like he is talking to himself. She looks up from his wrist, staring at him intently to make sure she is even hearing him correctly.
"I couldn't wear it because it wasn't in uniform," he continues, glancing back down at his lap. "But I carried it in my pocket."
"I didn't know that," Hailey breathes out, staring at him in disbelief. She knew he kept it throughout his time in the army, Jay even telling her he still had it when he first got back, but she had no idea that he carried it with him. And she always just assumed that when he came home stateside, it got put away in some box or got lost since she does not remember seeing it again.
When he looks up at her, his eyes are soft, almost shy, and it feels like maybe he regrets telling her something so vulnerable now, a little too late. But instead of saying anything else real about it, he just shrugs. "Guess I never mentioned it."
"Why did you carry it with you?" She asks, even though it feels like an obvious answer.
He tilts his head to the side and shoots her a soft smile, and maybe in another version of this conversation, he would tease her, but instead, he sighs and says, "It made me think of you. Reminded me there was something good out there besides the war."
"And now?"
He doesn't need to respond. She can see the answer in his eyes. The green eyes she has grown to know so well, that are there in her mind when she closes her own eyes.
They're screaming what both of them don't want to say. That the bracelet is keeping him grounded in this new chaos, that he wishes that things were different too.
"It reminds me that there is still something good to look forward to," he says softly, loud eyes still trained on her.
She opens her mouth to respond, but no noise comes out. Maybe it's silly, to feel so fixated on this idea of someday, for her stomach to be flipping at the little bit of hope he is giving her. But she loves him, even now, so she holds onto the hope.
"I don't talk to her anymore," Hailey whispers, watching as Jay's eyes scrunch up in confusion. "My mom. I haven't talked to her since…"
Hailey pauses, letting out a low sigh, and Jay bobs his head, understanding what day she is referring to.
"I thought it was what I needed," Hailey goes on. She nervously fiddles with her hands in her lap and she chews on the inside of her lip as she tries to find the words to explain all that is going on in her head. "And maybe it was. But it's not what I need anymore."
Jay nods, before hesitantly whispering, "Okay."
"I still have a lot more to figure out," Hailey tells him. "I think...I think it all affected me more than I wanted to admit. So, I'm dealing with all of that."
"I'm really proud of you, you know that?" Jay offers gently.
She nods, and then tilts her head up to the ceiling as she breathes out, "I never moved."
"What?" He questions, unable to follow her flight of thought.
"I never moved," she repeats as she looks down back over at him. "I was going to move into a new apartment. I thought it would help me….but I couldn't do it. It felt wrong."
"Hailey, I don't-"
"I think maybe it's my reminder that there is something good to look forward to."
The night of the breakup, when she finally stopped crying, she pulled out her laptop and started looking for new apartments, convincing herself living in that shell of a home without Jay would be too overwhelming. But the idea of leaving their little piece of happiness, their Tallahassee, it just felt wrong.
Because if he ever came back, she wanted him to come back to their home. The one they built together.
So, she dealt with the ghosts of him all around in the hopes that one day, it would not just be his memory in the apartment. It would be him.
It catches her off guard, the way he slowly reaches out for her hand, gently grasping the one with the IV and brushing his thumb over her skin. It's the first time he's held her in any way in months and the small touch alone has tears forming in her throat. She doesn't pull away, instead adjusting her hand so she can wrap a few of her fingers around his.
He opens his mouth and he's got that familiar old look in his eye and Hailey thinks he is going to say something, maybe how he actually is or if he's finally healing, but before he can say anything of substance, a doctor comes in, a bashful look on her face for interrupting what clearly was a weighty moment. As Jay and Hailey both straighten up and Jay pulls his hand away, she runs through Hailey's discharge paperwork. A nurse comes in, removing Hailey's IV and checking her pupils one last time while the doctor talks to them about aftercare, reminding her to take it easy for a day or two and to come back if there's any change in her symptoms.
"Hailey Upton, taking it easy," Jay hums after the doctor leaves. He stands up and moves to the edge of the bed, watching as Hailey shrugs on her jacket. "Never thought I'd hear that sentence."
"Funny," she mumbles, standing up and tugging at her medical bracelet. "Insult the person with a brain injury."
"I thought you said you were fine-"
Her hand stills and she sighs, cocking her head to the side. "You know, now that I think of it, I hit my head pretty hard and I don't remember who you are. You should probably leave my hospital room now."
He laughs, head thrown back as a loud happy sound escapes his lips and for a second, it feels normal. He shoves his hands in his pockets and shakes his head, turning around to glance at the door, feet slowly moving toward the exit.
"Jay?" She calls out, stopping him in his tracks, and when he glances back at her, there's a small, almost hopeful smile.
"Yeah?"
"I didn't hit my head that bad," she murmurs softly. The corners of his lips start to slowly rise, his small smile growing.
"That's good," he hums.
This all feels reminiscent of those early days, of knowing flirting and loaded looks, and she would live in this feeling forever if she could.
"Do you have a ride home?" Hailey asks, moving the conversation back to a safer topic.
"Shouldn't I be the one asking you that?" He chuckles.
Her fingers start playing with her medical bracelet again, tugging on the tough plastic. "I was just gonna take the bus or-"
"Yeah, no," Jay cuts her off. "You're not taking the bus alone after hitting your head."
"Jay, it's not that-"
He doesn't even need to say a word, the pointed look he shoots her is enough for the argument to die on her lips. She lets out a loud, exasperated sigh. "So? How am I getting home?"
"My partner is still here," Jay tells her. "We'll drop you off on our way back."
"Jay-" Hailey attempts to argue again, feeling bad that he is now inconveniencing his partner as well. But Jay just shakes his head and nods towards the door, stepping out without another word, effectively ending the argument.
With a groan, she follows him, momentarily forgetting about her bracelet as her hands fall to her side. As she exits her room, she sees him talking to a man in a uniform similar to his and assumes that he must be the partner.
"Hailey, right?" The stranger calls out as she approaches them and she gives a small nod. "Nice to finally meet the girl keeping Halstead in line. Happy you're okay."
She shoots Jay a slightly confused look, not understanding what his partner is referring to, but Jay just shakes his head and nods to the exit.
"We should get going," Jay says quickly. "I'm sure you're tired and we should get back out on patrol."
Hailey nods and follows Jay and his partner out to their car. She hops in the back and watches as Jay hesitates before he finally hops in the front, his eyes immediately glancing to the rearview mirror to catch a glimpse of her.
The beginning of the drive is silent with the exception of Jay rattling off directions to his partner, Reade. It shouldn't surprise her that Jay still remembers the directions to her apartment given how long he lived there with her, but something about how easily the combination of lefts and rights comes to his mind makes her stomach flip.
"So," Reade says slowly after a few minutes. "Hit your head, huh? That's never fun."
Hailey hums at the awkward small talk, nodding her head as she looks at Jay's eyes in the mirror. "Yeah," she says. "Tactical class at the Academy. I think the other guy could use a little more work."
Reade's eyes go wide, and he lets out a little "oh," glancing at Jay and then back to the road. "Halstead never said his girl was in the Academy."
There's that mention of "his girl" again, and it confuses Hailey even more, but now quite as much as the way Jay flinches at the words.
"Guess it never came up," Jay says quickly. "We're pretty private, you know?"
"Makes sense," Reade nods. "So, Hailey, you saw how much fun he has being a cop and decided to follow in his footsteps?"
"Not quite," she whispers quietly. Her attention returns to her lap, her fingers focusing on their previous mission of tugging off her medical bracelet.
"Hailey actually wanted to be a cop first," Jay says, surprising Hailey. She finally snaps the plastic off and then looks up at him, waiting for him to continue.
"Hailey's been talking about being a cop for as long as I can remember," Jay tells Reade. "She's half the reason I'm even doing this."
She remembers that day, sitting on her apartment floor, newspapers in hand, talking about his future, and it almost feels like yesterday. But then she looks up at him in his police blues and it shocks her how far he has come. Her heart beats with pride with all he has done since coming home, but a small piece of her heart breaks along with each beat.
Because he's doing the thing he said he would do, but he's doing it without her.
"That's awesome, man," Reade says before glancing up at the rearview mirror to catch Hailey's gaze. "Thanks for persuading him to do this. He's not a half-bad partner."
"Glad to hear it," she whispers.
The conversation dies out as quickly as it started. She assumes that maybe Reade wants to give her some time to rest and she knows that Jay is not about to dive into anything real and heavy with his partner sitting right next to him. So, an awkward silence fills the car and Hailey stares out the window, watching as they drive down the familiar streets.
When they park, she thanks Reade for the ride, and she watches as Jay whispers something to his partner before hopping out the passenger's side door and opening the back door for Hailey. As she gets out and he closes the door behind her, Hailey shakes her head.
"You don't have to walk me up, you know?" Hailey tells him, walking towards the door of the apartment building, Jay on her tail. "It's only a couple of stairs. I'll be fine."
"It's four flights," Jay sighs. "Humor me, okay? I just want to make sure you get in safe."
She could argue, but it's been a long day and she's tired and honestly, she knows it won't do her any good. So, instead, she lets out a low sigh and nods towards the door, not saying a word as Jay follows in her shadow.
"So," Hailey finally says when they are through the front door and walking towards the stairwell down the hall. "Reade seems nice."
Jay lets out a small chuckle, clearly knowing what she's getting at. "If you're freaking out because you think I've been telling him stuff about us, I haven't. When the nurse called me, I told him my girlfriend was in the hospital. I was so worried that I didn't even realize what I had said and-"
"Jay," she cuts him off gently. "It's fine."
He gives a hesitant nod and opens the door to the stairwell, ushering her through the door before he follows in her footsteps. The walk up the first set of stairs is quiet, just awkward glances and Jay's beading eyes on Hailey to make sure she is okay.
"It was good seeing you," Jay whispers as they start rounding the second set of stairs. "Even if it wasn't the best circumstances."
He nods over at her head and Hailey looks at him curiously, trying to ignore the way her head is starting to thump a little harder than it was at the hospital. When she woke up today, she knew there was a possibility of getting hurt. It's the life she signed up for, potential injuries and danger, but she did not think today would be the day she would be seeing him again.
Maybe she's woken up every day hoping it's the day, but now it's finally here and it makes her miss him even more than she did on all those days where she just hoped.
"It was good seeing you too," Hailey murmurs. "I'm glad you've been doing okay."
He gives her a small nod and it's quiet again. Between the pounding of her head and the awkward dance they have been doing all day, Hailey is beyond tired, so she sucks in a deep breath and finally lets the ice break.
"This is weird, right?" Hailey asks. Jay freezes on the step in front of her, turning around with wide eyes. "We're trying to make this be normal but clearly it's weird."
Jay sighs. "I guess it's a little weird."
Hailey nods, walking past Jay. When she is a few steps ahead of him, he finally starts moving again as well, catching up with her in a matter of seconds.
"I get why it's weird," Hailey continues. "I just don't like it."
"I don't like it either," Jay agrees. "But-"
His voice trails off and Hailey gives a small nod, knowing what he is trying to say. "Necessary part of all this, right?"
"Yeah," Jay whispers. "Right."
They round the last set of stairs and move through the door to the hallway. It's such a familiar feeling, walking towards her front door together. Like that time he was on leave and it was their first time making this trip together, all wandering hands and stolen kisses, and some part of her was sure it would be their last. Or countless other days where they have come home together, tired or happy or laughing or sad, but no matter the feeling, okay, because the other was there.
"Just for the record," Hailey stops and turns around to face Jay when they get to her front door. "I don't like any of this. I wish we didn't need to take a break."
"Yeah," Jay breathes out. "Me too...but I get it. I think we needed it. Otherwise...otherwise we probably would have wound up completely hating each other and being miserable."
Hailey hums. "Not that either of us is too happy right now, though, right?"
Jay lets out a small, sad chuckle, shaking his head. "No...but I guess the whole goal of this is we take some time, figure things out. Try again when we are ready and know we'll be able to make it."
It brings a small smile to her face, the fact that he still believes so deeply that she is it for him, and it makes her stomach flip because she wants that more than she can explain.
"I'm still sorry though," Hailey says. "You're right. We gotta figure out our own stuff so we don't ruin each other and our shot of being happy, but I still feel bad that-"
"Hailey," he cuts her off. "Don't. I get it."
"Jay-"
"I don't want to be the thing that holds you back," he says. "Hailey, I know that you need time...I want you to have the time to do what you need to do for yourself. And I know that you were right when you said I needed time to figure out my stuff too. I'm not going anywhere, okay?"
"Thank you, Jay," she whispers. "I'm not going anywhere, either. I still want to figure this out. Please believe me when I say that."
His hand raises to cup her cheek, his thumb grazing against her skin. Instinctively, she melts into his touch.
"I still want this too," Jay murmurs. "We'll figure it out. There is no doubt in my mind that we are supposed to end up together."
"Me either," Hailey breathes out before she can stop herself. She can feel the tears she has been wrestling with all day starting to form in her throat and she swallows hard to keep them away for a few more minutes. "We are gonna get that second chance and we're gonna get married and we're gonna have a big dog and be ridiculously happy."
"Still on that dog thing, huh?" Jay asks with a chuckle.
"I'm never not going to be on that dog thing."
He lets out a real, Jay laugh and it brings a smile to her face. For the first time since he walked out that door four months ago, things feel like them, even if it's just for a moment.
"Ridiculously happy someday," he says with a smirk. "I'm gonna hold you to that."
"Deal," Hailey laughs.
Gently, he drops his hand from her face, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear before his hand returns to his side. "I should probably get going. I think if I stay up here any longer, Reade might come looking for me."
Hailey nods, trying to mask her disappointment. "Yeah, we don't need you getting fired. Otherwise, we can't get that dog."
The corners of his lips curl up in a genuine grin. "You gonna do a better job of staying out of trouble for me?"
"You say that like I intended to get kicked in the head," Hailey quips back and Jay just dramatically rolls his eyes. Throwing her head back, she says with a groan, "Fine. But are you gonna keep staying safe?"
"For you?" He asks, taking a step back. "Always. I'll see ya, Hailey."
"See ya, Jay."
She watches as he walks off, not opening the front door of her apartment until he has disappeared through the door down the hall. Hailey wonders as he makes his way down the stairs if his thoughts are as jumbled as hers. She wonders if he is running through the countless regrets, wishing that they had done something to make it all work the first time.
She wonders if he feels a slight sliver of hope that things are going to work out, that they are going to get their chance someday.
Because that's what she feels. For the first time in a long time, she feels something resembling hope. It's buried, mixed with regret and confusion and pain and wanting, but it's there nonetheless.