Time wasn't in our favor, this isn't goodbye this is simply see you later
- See You Later by Jenna Raine
(May 2017)
Hailey Upton is a good cop. She's more than a good cop. She's a great cop, a natural at her job and that's probably what convinces her to take the temporary spot in Intelligence. Because it's every good cop's dream to be in a specialized unit like that and she would be an idiot to give up an opportunity like this.
Especially after how hard she worked, after how much she sacrificed to be standing where she is.
Not much can throw Hailey off. Her natural state is being ready for anything that life can throw at her, a natural byproduct of the way she grew up, but seeing the man she almost married several years ago at a bank robbery of all places? It throws her off.
The first thing she thought of when she saw him in that bank was about the last time she saw him. He looked different, older, wiser, a few more wrinkles, and the same green eyes she has seen countless times when her head hit the pillow.
Hailey knows that she was not the same person as before she went undercover and by the looks of it, neither is he.
"Detective Upton, Robbery Homicide."
She's so focused on her mission, she almost does not see it. When she got the call about the bank robbery, all she was told was that the Intelligence Unit was first on the scene, which meant the infamous Hank Voight would be there as well. The whole drive over Hailey prepared herself to go toe to toe with the Sergeant.
What she did not prepare herself for, though, was running into her ex-fiance for the first time in over five years.
She sees him out of the corner of her eye and all of the sudden, he is all that she can see. It takes everything in her for her jaw to not drop to the floor at the sight of him.
It's Jay.
Green-eyed, freckle-faced, heart of gold Jay. The man she almost married. Her first love. The love of her life.
She can't read his face, but he has to be shocked too. For a second, as Voight says it's Intelligence's scene, she thinks about what his life became after she left.
Clearly, he became a detective. Not only did he become a detective, but he joined one of the best units in the city. She thinks back to the last night she saw him, how he told her about his plans to become a detective and move up in the CPD, and looking at him now, it seems like he did just that.
It almost lightens her guilt about leaving, knowing that he turned out alright.
Almost.
Because she wonders if he kept his promise. Is he happy? Did he live his life? Did he forget about her?
But as she wonders that, she can't help but feel a twinge of pain in her chest at what the answers might be. Did he move on? Is he happy with someone else? Has he stopped seeing her in his dreams?
Because for Hailey, when she asks herself those same questions, she is not sure she likes the answer to all of them.
"I'm from Robbery-Homicide," Hailey finally says when she has her head on straight. "There's been a robbery and a homicide here. So, I'd appreciate it if you vacated my crime scene."
When she takes a step past him to scope out the rest of the scene, her hand almost instinctively reaches for his. She has to pull it back, keep it glued to her body in an attempt to remain professional.
She bites out her orders at the crime scene a little harsher than she normally would, mind completely distracted by thoughts of what-ifs and could have beens.
The scene at the bank plays in Hailey's mind over and over again as she walks into the 21st district on her first real day, a box of loukoumades in hand. Everything in her tells Hailey she is making the right decision by joining Intelligence, even if it's just on a temporary basis because she knows it's the next step in her career.
She's not scared about the challenge. She's scared about working side by side with Jay again. Hailey likes to think that she has moved on with that part of her life, but she knows that's probably far from the truth. There is always going to be a part of her that cares about him, even loves him, in some capacity or another.
The thing that pulls her out of her thoughts is an excited yell and she turns to see Adam approaching her as she steps foot off the stairs and into the bullpen.
"Yes, you took the job," he claps. "Kev!"
"Temporary basis," Hailey chuckles as the two start talking about the terms of a bet they made regarding her taking the job.
The kindness is enough of a distraction to settle her nerves for a few moments and Adam and Kevin and eventually Olinksy start digging into the box of Greek donuts she brought with her. As things settle, she thinks she might be alright for the few weeks that she is here. Things with her and Jay will probably be incredibly awkward, but the rest of the team seems nice enough that she should make it through this relatively unscathed.
But then she hears Jay's voice, and she looks up in surprise even though she spoke with him outside his house just an hour ago. He's standing beside one of the other detectives in the unit, Erin, deep in some conversation, almost like he didn't see her this morning and get news that would change his life at work.
The thing that kills her though is how he looks at her, just for a second, gives a small nod, and then continues his conversation with Erin.
She knows he's trying to play it cool, having pieced together what her decision is about taking the job. The look in his eyes, she has seen it before, and it's clear that there is something he wants to say, but he's biting his tongue.
Honestly, walking in here, Hailey is not sure what she was expecting. It's not like he can be incredibly excited, their past history making that a bit extreme of a response, but he also can't be immediately on guard because that will let the rest of the team know there is something between them.
So, he chooses the easy response. A small nod and a tight-lipped smile before he returns to what he was doing.
Immediately, Hailey clocks the closeness between the two detectives. She's been with Intelligence for a few days and she's really only worked with Voight but she knows that Jay and Erin are partners. It makes sense that they would be close, but the way they are interacting, it seems like more. It's all hushed tones and worried eyes and Hailey is not sure why it sits strangely with her, but it does.
Maybe they have their own complicated relationship, or maybe the relationship is not complicated at all, and he loves Erin, the way he used to love Hailey. Maybe he's moved on and that's why he does not care that Hailey's back. It won't affect him in the slightest.
She figures it's none of her business though. None of his life is her business anymore.
But the way he frowns when Voight says "Lindsay, you're now partners with Upton" gives her a pretty good indication that whoever this Detective Lindsay is to him, she's important.
And Hailey's breaking up their partnership is just one more thing to complicate the messiness between her and Jay.
After getting partnered up with Lindsay, Hailey continues to get a bad feeling about how things are going to go working with both her and Jay.
The rest of the team is nice enough. Hailey's worked with a lot of police, and she has to say, even just being with Intelligence for a few days lets her know that these folk are good police. Voight is more complex than the rumors made him sound to be and while she might not love the way that he polices, she can see that he is good for the city. She does not get to interact with Al much, besides her time spent with him and Jay in the back of a van, and maybe he's old-fashioned, but he seems to have a big heart.
Kevin is a sweetheart, joking and teasing with Hailey like he's known her for years and immediately, she feels at home with him. Adam is kind to her too, telling her that he had a good feeling about her from the first time they met and that he thinks she is going to be a good addition to the team. He shows her where they keep the good coffee and gives her a trick or two for dealing with Trudy, which Hailey appreciates.
Trudy.
It would be one thing if Hailey ran into one person from her past but now, she's running into two. Trudy Platt, the officer who responded to the robbery at her dad's restaurant all those years ago. The woman who kept her safe and who made her want to become a cop.
Trudy doesn't bring up their knowing each other again, something Hailey is thankful for, but the Sergeant does watch her with a knowing glance and gives her a few soft supportive smiles, a sharp contrast to how things were before.
And then there's Erin Lindsay. From the first time Hailey saw her, something felt off but Hailey honestly assumed that it was because she felt off about Jay. But then she saw Erin and Jay together, and immediately, there is another thing that was making Hailey feel confused.
It's her second real day with Intelligence and she's sitting with Erin in a car on the way home from interviewing a suspect out in Indiana and she starts to get a clearer picture of what exactly has become of Jay's life in the last few years.
"You said you and Halstead had been partners for a while?" Hailey casually brings up, referencing a conversation she had earlier with Erin on the way to Indiana. The question earlier was partly due to her curiosity and also due to her feeling bad about breaking up an established partnership. But now? Hailey's not sure.
Erin looks at her strangely and Hailey hopes the nervousness doesn't bleed through her voice and make it apparent something is up. After a second, Erin gives a curt nod and glances back at the road.
"Yeah, we were."
"That means you both have been in the unit for a while?" Hailey asks, figuring it's the most work-around way of figuring out how long Jay has been in Intelligence without straight out asking the question.
"Almost four years for both of us. We started about a month apart," Erin tells her. "He's been on the job longer though. Likes to remind me of that a lot."
"Yeah?" Hailey hums, adding a soft chuckle to her voice, hoping that the open endedness of it will prompt Erin to talk more.
It works.
"I think he became a detective like seven months before starting in Intelligence. Maybe a bit more?" Erin says. "I was four months. He's got some military experience too."
Hailey nods, taking it all in as if it were new information. Like she didn't sit next to him at a bonfire just days before he deployed for the first time or she didn't help him study for the Police Academy entrance exam.
Hailey tries to do the mental math and figures he probably became a detective roughly a year after the last time she saw him. She remembers him talking about a Sergeant in Organized Crimes who was wanting him to take the detective's exam soon. Clearly, that's what happened.
"Seems like you guys are good partners," Hailey comments. "Have to be if you're gonna be partnered up for that long."
"Yeah. We were," Erin hums, her voice softer than it has been this whole conversation. That's not what strikes Hailey as odd, though. It's the way her grip on the steering wheel tightens and the way her eyes quickly flicker over to the passenger side seat.
It's at that moment that Hailey starts to piece together Erin and Jay's relationship. Hailey's been a detective for years and it's clear to her that Erin has feelings for Jay. And by the way Erin is phrasing everything, with a little bit too much caution, making sure to give Hailey enough details without giving anything real away, Hailey is pretty sure the feelings might not be something far ago in the past and that they probably are not one-sided.
Immediately, it gives Hailey a pang of something in her stomach and she feels bad even feeling anything. Because Hailey is the one who said they needed to stop chasing a second chance. She told him on that night, back at the police gala, that she wanted him to be happy. She made him promise at the park that he was going to go seek out the happiness he deserved.
And by the looks of it, he did.
Silence fills the truck and Hailey wishes Erin would just make some boring small talk with her to distract her from the millions of thoughts running through her head. Are Jay and Erin currently dating? How long? Is it serious?
There's no ring on Erin's finger but Hailey was engaged to Jay for months and never had a ring on her finger either, so that does not mean much.
She wonders if Erin even knows about her. If Jay ever told her stories about the girl he loved when he was young. Does she know about the swing sets and the candy bars, or about the red string bracelet or their first kiss in the snow? Honestly, Hailey is not sure if she hopes that Jay told her, because that would mean it all meant something and he did not forget, or she hopes that he didn't and kept those little details reserved for just them.
Either way, it all leaves a strange feeling in her stomach.
Hailey knows she does not get to be jealous. Not when she is the one who initiated the breakup and not when it has been five and a half years since they last saw each other. Hell, she has dated in the past few years too and she knows it's only fair. But the idea of seeing him with someone else? Seeing him look at someone with the same loving eyes that used to be reserved just for her.
It hurts.
Just the idea of it makes her regret walking away all those years ago. For a split second, she wonders if the undercover work was worth it. Because it gave her the freedom she yearned for but she lost the only good thing she ever knew.
Hailey sighs, opening up the case file and figuring there is no point in the what-ifs. She is the one who let him go and whether that was a mistake or not, there is nothing she can do to change that. All that she can control now is doing her job.
Jay and Hailey don't talk for most of the case. Not that she blames him, though. It's an incredibly hard case and it just continues to get worse and worse. So, it becomes several more days of loaded glances between Jay and Hailey and talking to each other only when necessary. She knows that whatever is going on with Erin, must be eating him up inside and trying to face her and their history is only going to make things worse, so she tries to give him some grace.
The next time she talks to him, really talks to him, is much like the first personal conversation they had after the bank robbery in the locker room. The one where she kissed his cheek and told him "Happy Birthday" and had to use all of her willpower to not wrap him up in her arms just like old times.
Only this time, it's not before her conversation with Voight. It's after.
Hailey gently leans her hand against the doorframe of Voight's office, tentatively popping her head in to get the Sergeant's attention. "You said you wanted to see me, sir."
Voight nods, waving her in and telling her to sit down. He throws down the manilla file folder he was looking through, giving Hailey a once over before he lets out a soft gruff.
"You've had quite the first week here in Intelligence, haven't you Detective Upton?"
It gets Hailey to chuckle, but it's the truth. All was going well for a solid five minutes before the chaos set in. They worked a case where a series of pedophiles were being burned and while the case was more intense than most of her previous ones from Robbery-Homicide, Hailey picked up quickly and adjusted.
And then Erin put her gun in a suspect's mouth, and it was all over but the crying.
Because before Hailey could blink, she was being questioned by Internal Affairs. Sergeant Platt was questioning her about her loyalties. And every time she looked at Jay, Hailey swears he was one second away from spinning out.
"It's been a good learning experience," Hailey hums after a moment, figuring it's the safe response.
Voight nods, seemingly amused at her answer, before giving a small gruff. "How would you like to make it more than a learning experience?"
"Sir I-"
"I'm offering you a spot on my team. A permanent one," he cuts off her confusion. "What can I say? You've impressed me."
"Thank you," she breathes out in shock. "I...I've enjoyed my time here. You have a good team."
"Is that your way of saying you want to join my team?" Voight laughs lightly, leaning back in his chair. "Or are you going to need time to think about it?"
When he offered her the temporary position, Hailey took the night to think about it, but it was not until after her conversation with Jay that she solidified her decision. It was a good opportunity, one of those offers that does not come around twice and Hailey knew that she needed to take it.
And she wanted to take it. But things were...complicated.
And fast forward two weeks, things are not any less complicated. But she loves the team and thinks she could do good work here.
Then she goes right back to the fact that she barely interacts with Jay most days and she does not know how long they can keep up this awkward dance they are doing. Hailey is not sure how much of it she can survive.
But his voice plays over again in her head, "I don't want to be the thing that holds you back," and she knows that if he was here, he would be telling her the same thing. He doesn't want to be the thing that affects her decisions, no matter how difficult it might be for him. He didn't want to be the thing that held her back when she was going undercover or even when she took this job for the first time.
So, the question becomes, can she handle this? Can she handle working beside him every day, whether it's awkward for the next few years or they fall back into another friendship? Is she willing to open herself up again for whatever heartbreak might accompany him being in her life again?
A part of her thinks yes. She's put in so much work and she's not the same person she was that night that they danced in the park with whispered goodbyes. But a larger part of her knows Jay is always going to be the thing in her life that she can't make sense of. He's always going to be there and a part of her is always going to love him.
If she's honest, she's missed him and she's dreamed of the possibility of seeing him again, but now that it's here, it's terrifying. Because she knows losing him again will hurt more than any goodbye in the past.
But they're older now, wiser, and maybe this time they can get it right? Maybe this time it's not husband and wife, but it's teammates, possibly even friends?
All Hailey knows is this is the opportunity she has worked so hard for her whole life, and she can't say no.
"I'm in," Hailey answers. "I'll join Intelligence."
"You don't want some time to-"
"No," Hailey cuts Voight off. "I've enjoyed my time with your team. I would love to make it permanent."
Voight smiles and stands, outstretching a hand towards Hailey. "Well, Detective Upton, welcome to Intelligence."
They go over a few HR things and talk about what the transition from temporary to permanent is going to look like for a while before Voight tells her to get home and get some rest. Hailey was tired when she walked into Voight's office but now, she doesn't think she will be able to sleep, her thoughts running a mile a minute.
She starts to wander down the hall towards the locker room to grab her bag and keys, hearing soft chatter coming from inside. Slowly, she peers her head in, seeing Jay standing in front of his locker, looking for something. There is no one else in sight and she looks around quickly to see if the others did in fact leave for the night.
There's no one and Hailey just glances at Jay, unsure of how she starts this conversation. It's clear he notices her, but he doesn't say anything, instead just continuing to rummage through his locker for whatever he is looking for.
"Hailey, just the person we wanted to see!" A voice pulls her out of her trance and makes her immediately happy she didn't just jump into a conversation with Jay. Adam appears from behind one of the lockers, zipping up his light jacket, an excited smile on his face.
"We're hitting up Molly's tonight," Adam tells her. "A celebration. You in?"
"I don't know," Hailey looks over at Jay hesitantly. "I'm pretty tired and it's been a long week."
"Oh, come on," Adam complains. "Everyone will be there. Kim's gonna come out so you can finally meet her. And Jay's brother is gonna come too. It will be fun."
Hailey almost flinches at the mention of Will, the brother she never met, the brother who most certainly hates her. She wonders if she went tonight if Will would recognize her. Hailey remembers old pictures taken on disposable cameras, a small little staple in their relationship, and she wonders if the doctor has ever seen any of those old photographs. Does he know the stories behind them too? Does he know how she broke his brother's heart?
All those questions only solidify her decision.
"I can't tonight," Hailey sighs. "Tell Kim and..." Will's name almost escapes her lips and then she remembers she has no good reason to even know what his brother's name is. "...and Jay's brother that I say hi. I'll meet them next time, okay?"
"Fine," Adam says with an exasperated sigh. He grabs his bag off one of the benches and throws it over his shoulder before sending a pointed look at Hailey. "But next time we are doing shots. There is no discussion about it."
"Deal," she laughs as Adam tells them goodnight and leaves the locker room.
It's awkward silence for a moment as Hailey lingers by the doorway and Jay just peers into his locker and continues grabbing his things. She knows she needs to tell him before Voight tells the whole team but the words don't seem to come out.
"You actually tired or are you not coming because of me?" Jay asks, no sense of malice in his voice. Hailey looks over at him with his question, but he is still just staring into his locker, pretending to be focused on something else.
"I am tired," she confesses. "Plus, as nice as it would be to meet Kim and Will, I feel like that whole situation might be a lot for all of them..."
"Yeah," Jay chuckles when he gets what she is getting at. "Will's got a bit of a big mouth. He'd see a blonde named Hailey and put it all together and all of the sudden, the team would know everything."
"Yeah..." Hailey agrees. She doesn't move from her spot and starts shifting her weight on the balls of her feet. "I feel like they don't need all those details quite yet..."
"Yet?" Jay questions. He finally turns to look at her, his hand resting on his locker door as he leans back.
Hailey sighs. "Jay, can we talk?"
He levels his eyes at her and slowly closes his locker door, turning around to lean against the blue metal. "Everything okay?"
"Yeah," she breathes out with a slow nod and she's not sure who she is trying to convince, him or her. "Voight offered me a spot on the team...a permanent one."
His eyes grow at her words, and he takes a slow, hesitant step towards her. "Hailey, that's great. If you want it you-"
"I already took it," she cuts him off before he can continue. 'I just thought you should know before Voight makes the announcement in the morning."
There's a look on his face that she can't quite read. It almost looks like surprise, maybe regret, and maybe even hope? She can't decide if he looks happy or distressed that she's taken the job, but it does not matter either way. She did what she needed to for her, consequences be damned.
"When did he offer it to you?" Jay asks, playing it safe. By the look in his eyes, there is so much more he wants to ask.
"Like a half-hour ago," Hailey says softly, and it would almost be funny how quickly she took the job offer if the whole situation was not so complicated.
"Wow," Jay lets out a low breath. "Didn't need time to think about it?"
Hailey shakes her head. "I like the team. I like the work I've done here. I feel like I can make a real difference. And maybe it wasn't fair that I didn't talk to you first but-"
"Hey," he cuts her off gently and she looks at him, eyes wide as she waits for a response.
"Congratulations," he whispers. "You deserve this. You've worked for this your whole life. You're meant to be here."
It feels like the realest, most honest thing he has said to her since she came back. This is Jay, her Jay. Not the awkward glances and curt tones. This. The support and the understanding, even in the chaos.
"Is it gonna be weird?" Hailey asks and Jay cocks his head at her in confusion. She sighs and moves to sit on one of the long benches, straddling the beam as she looks up at him.
"Working together," she clarifies. "It was one thing when I was only gonna be here for a few weeks but…"
"But now it's more complicated?" He finishes her thought, and she nods.
Jay rests his head against the blue metal of the locker and looks up at the ceiling, letting out another breath. She wonders what is going through his mind, if he regrets telling her to take the job a few weeks ago when they stood outside his house. Because if he just told her no, that he was not comfortable with it, they would not be in this position now.
"It's been five years," Jay says, at last, catching Hailey off guard. "We're different people than when we last saw each other. More mature, right?"
"Right," Hailey nods in agreement. "We're just coworkers...I'm sure we can figure out how to get along."
Jay lets out a small chuckle but doesn't say anything, confusing Hailey. She squints her eyes at him, and he just shakes his head in sad amusement. "Nothing...it's just...getting along wasn't really ever our issue."
A small smile involuntarily grows on her lips at his words because she knows it's the truth. Their problem was that they loved each other and that life was cruel. Because they loved each other more than they would ever love any other person, but sometimes you don't end up with the person you love the most.
Sometimes you have to love them from a distance and become their coworker and try to figure out how to not break the balance.
"I know," she whispers. "I just...I don't want things to be weird."
He nods, pressing himself off the lockers and moving towards the bench where she is sitting. He hesitantly sits down a few inches away from her at the far end of the bench, waiting a few seconds to make sure it's alright with her.
"I get that," Jay hums. "And I get that there are probably some unresolved feelings for both of us."
"Yeah," Hailey murmurs. The word "some" feels a bit like an insult because there are far too many unresolved feelings to count.
"I'm sure we'll figure out some way to work together without it being weird," Jay says with a sigh. "And for the rest of it…"
The rest of it. The part where the feelings are still muggy. The part where there are unsaid confessions and five years' worth of regret.
"We'll make it work?" She offers and it feels like such an oversimplification for all the history they share but it is all she has.
"Yeah," Jay nods. "We'll figure it out."
Silence fills the air and they both look anywhere but each other. It's obvious there is so much more they both want to say but don't know how. It all makes Hailey wonder how long it is until the proverbial damn breaks and they are forced to deal with everything from the past.
"Are you sure you're okay with me taking it?" Hailey whispers after a moment, causing Jay to look up at her in surprise. "I mean, it's your team. I get why you might be a little pissed that I'm joining."
To her surprise, he just shakes his head, something resembling a faint smile playing at his lips. "I'm okay with it. You're good police. We could use a cop like you on the team."
"You have no idea what kind of cop I am," she reminds him gently. All he knows are the past few weeks, which are hardly an accurate representation of the whole picture of her as a cop.
"Yeah, I guess," Jay shrugs, standing up from the bench and moving back over towards his locker. He grabs his bag that is sitting on the bench on that side of the room and then turns to her. "But I know you. So, I can't be too wrong."
Hailey feels a blush she can't control rise in her cheeks, and she looks down at the ground in an attempt to hide the nervousness.
"You sure you don't want to come out tonight?" Jay asks and she looks up at him, his bag now slung over his shoulder. "Molly's is always a good time. And I can try to make sure Will keeps his mouth shut.
Hailey smiles, appreciating the sentiment, but shakes her head. "No. I think I'm gonna sit this one out. But next time."
"Right," Jay stiffly nods. "Well, have a good night, Hailey. I guess I will see you tomorrow."
"I guess I'll see you then."
Jay quietly slips out of the locker room, leaving Hailey in silence, alone with her thoughts. She groans as she pushes herself up off the bench, dragging her feet towards her temporary locker to get ready to go home for the night.
She pauses as she is putting in the combination, realizing it's no longer her temporary locker. It's permanent. She's permanent.
There have been very few permanent things in Hailey's life. If she's honest, her relationship with Jay and her time in Robbery-Homicide have probably been the most permanent things she has had. And now, Intelligence will be the third.
She's still not sure if the decision to stay is a smart one. Career-wise, it's the right choice, there is no denying it. And something tells Hailey that if she said no, a part of her would always regret the could have beens.
But she's committing to Jay being in her life every day. That's a commitment she has not made since she was in her early twenties and the last time she made that commitment, her heart wound up broken.
Hailey's not sure what to expect this time. They were never able to stay apart, always chasing each other, the idea of a happy ending, and then, the idea of a second chance. They've already chased all of those dreams though, and they have all slipped through their fingers. It makes her wonder if there is anything left to run towards or if they are both too exhausted to even be coworkers and friends.
She hopes that is not the case. In the past five years, she has thought about him more times than she can count and when she saw him in the bank, her heart skipped a beat the same way it has every time he has walked back into her life. It scares her, the way she is not quite sure what she feels for him, the way it still feels eerily similar to being a teenager figuring out love for the first time.
But she pushes those thoughts aside and tells herself that right now, she just needs to focus on the transition to being a part of the team. Everything with Jay will work itself out the way it is supposed to.
She just needs to focus on these first few weeks and finding a new normal.
Only, the next morning, Voight tells the team that Erin left for New York and is not coming back.
And Hailey immediately realizes any semblance of normalcy is gone out the window.