If I saw you on the street would it be instant or would we have to be reintroduced? I've finally come to the terms with the truth

that I will never find another you

- I Will Never Find Another You by Cody Simpson

(May 2017)

"Halstead, you're partnering with Upton now."

Hailey watches as Jay makes that same old annoyed face that he has been making since they were kids and she was getting on his nerves. Even now, with wrinkles and scars, his expressions are the same and it makes her wonder what else has not changed.

She doesn't take his frustration personally because she gets it's probably not about her, but whatever is going on with Lindsay. Erin has only been gone a week and during that time, Jay has barely said two words to Hailey. When the team invites her out to get to know the new member, he bails, and during ops, he tends to stick close to Olinsky. Still, even if this has nothing to do with her, it is probably going to be a long few weeks adjusting to being partners.

"Sir, I-"

'Halstead," Voight cuts him off. "You're partnered with Upton. Do you understand?"

Hailey watches as Jay stares down Voight, but the older man does not budge, and eventually, Jay sighs and mutters, "Understood."

"Good," Voight says. "I just got a call from med. Victim from yesterday's shooting down on Jefferson Ave is awake and ready to talk. You two, go get a statement."

By the look in his eyes, Hailey can tell Jay wants to fight, reason that it does not take two detectives to get a statement. But, Jay just silently grabs his coat and nods to the stairs, walking out, Hailey on his heels.

The first few minutes of the drive are silent, and Hailey just looks around the truck and studies the case file for what feels like the hundredth time. Hailey's aware that the past few weeks have been hard on him, with her coming back and Erin leaving, and that's why she's getting the silent treatment right now. She knows him better than she knows anyone else, and she knows that his reaction, it's not personal, it's just his way of trying to protect himself. And if he was anyone else, she would just sit in the silence and leave it be.

But it's not anyone else. It's him. And she knows that the silence and the not communicating is their go-to and it did not exactly work well the last time. After a few more minutes of quiet, Hailey just closes the manilla folder and cocks her head towards Jay.

"We have to talk about this eventually."

"There's nothing to talk about," he mutters, his eyes dead set on the road.

"Jay-" she argues. "Don't do this. Not with me. I don't know what your deal was with Erin, but-"

"Exactly," he cuts her off. "You don't know what happened. So, drop it."

It's not like him to snap at her. Even on their worst days back when they were dating, he always tried to respond calmly. Jay never explicitly told her, but she always assumed it was because he could piece together what happened with her father and was trying to be mindful of her past. In all their years together, she never got to thank him for it, but it was something she always appreciated.

She gazes at him and notices that the way he clenches his jaw when he's stressed and the way he taps his fingers when he's avoiding something has not changed either.

"I'm not asking you to tell me anything that happened with her," Hailey says calmly, hoping it does not set him off again. "I'm just saying, us being partners is going to be complicated enough given the fact we almost got married. So, you gotta give me something, Jay. Because this," she motions between them. "This is not going to work."

He sighs and loosens his jaw, letting his shoulders lag and loosening the white knuckle grip he has on the steering wheel. "We dated. We had broken up a few weeks ago. It was some dumb fight. But she didn't tell me before she went to New York. I just went to her apartment and found all of her stuff gone."

It's the first direct confirmation she has about Jay and Erin's relationship. Since starting in Intelligence a little over two weeks ago, Hailey had a pretty good feeling about what was going on but now she knows. Knowing does not exactly change the bitter taste in her mouth, though. It's still hard to think about him with someone else but that does not mean she is happy that his relationship did not work out.

Hailey wants to say something to provide comfort, but honestly, she doesn't know what. She wonders if it all brings back bad memories, of being sixteen and walking into her room and finding nothing but a note left for him, or of never quite being able to say goodbye the way they wished.

Immediately she feels bad that this was another person he had to let go of before he was not ready, another goodbye he didn't get to say.

"I'm sorry, Jay," Hailey whispers at last. "That sounds really hard."

"First serious relationship I had again after we broke up," Jay says quietly, and it sounds more like he is thinking out loud than having a conversation. The little revelation makes Hailey feel even worse as she realizes he was just finally starting to put back together the pieces of his life that she tore up only for it to all fall apart again.

"I finally thought…" Jay starts but then he breathes out a sigh of disappointment and shakes his head. "I don't know what I thought."

"I'm sorry," she says again. It's quiet after that, Hailey having no idea what she is supposed to say. She is sorry, truly, but a part of her thinks there is no way he actually believes her right now.

"How long had you guys been partners?" She asks a moment later, even though Erin's already told her, in an attempt to fill the silence.

"Four years," Jay says. "She's the only partner I've really had in Intelligence."

"Four years is a long time," Hailey ponders quietly. "By that point, you can basically anticipate each other's next move."

For the first time since she got to Intelligence, Hailey sees what she thinks might be a smile on Jay Halstead's face. If she's honest, she's not sure if she's seen that smile since she was in her early twenties. She looks at him curiously and he shakes his head, glancing at her quickly before returning his attention to the road.

"Nothing, it's just...if by four years, you can anticipate each other's next move, what can we do after how long we've known each other? Read each other's minds?"

It's enough to get Hailey laughing too and she rolls her head and glances up at the roof of the truck as she answers, "Probably. Which might be a problem because your mind is a scary place to be Halstead."

The minute the words are out of her mouth she regrets them because suddenly, she is remembering the fight that ended it all and how much he was struggling in the months that led up to that. It was nightmares and overthinking and a constant battle in his mind. Hailey can't believe she was so careless with her words right now, bringing up such a sore subject.

"I'm sorry," she says, looking back at him. "I didn't mean anything by that. I just-"

"Hailey," he cuts her off gently. "I know. You're okay."

She lets out a low sigh and looks down at the case file in her hands again, not daring to make another joke. If she's honest, she's not sure how they make this work if hour one day one, it's already this awkward.

"We'll figure this out," he says quietly, catching her off guard. She looks up at him and notices that he is already glancing at her, watching the stoplight from the corner of his eye. "We'll figure out how to be partners and not let...everything affect us."

"Yeah," she hums. "I know."

He nods and when the light turns green, he returns his attention to the road, turning left onto the main road that leads to Med. The awkward silence returns and Hailey tries to focus on the details of the case, not the millions of thoughts running around in her head. It remains quiet in the truck right up until they park. He cuts the engine and unbuckles his seatbelt, turning to her and catching her attention before she is able to jump out of the truck.

"I know we probably have a lot we have to talk about eventually," he starts. "But now's not the time."

"I know," Hailey sighs. "I just-"

"I meant it when I said I'd be civil," he cuts her off gently and Hailey's eyes widen as she waits for him to continue. "Even if I didn't know we were going to be partnered up when I said that, I meant it. I want what's best for you. And if it's Intelligence, I'll do what I need to do."

At first, Hailey is a little too stunned to respond. It's probably the most he has said to her all at once in days, if not years. She meant what she said back outside his house too, that she was not worried about him being civil, but how they would navigate this complicated thing between them.

But giving voice to that concern does not seem like it is going to do them any good right now, so she swallows it down and nods. "Thanks, Jay."

He nods curtly, keeping his eyes set on the road in front of them, and she can tell he is putting a lot of effort into not glancing over to look at her. "We're both professional. We can figure this out."

"Yeah," Hailey agrees. "I think so."

"And who knows?" Jay says with a light chuckle. "Maybe we will even be able to try being friends?"

They were never really able to maintain the "just friends" thing, but she thinks that maybe, now that they are older and they are working together, they will be able to figure it out.

"Yeah. Friends."

He shoots her a reassuring smile, one she has seen countless times before and it's enough for her to believe that maybe, this time, they'll get it right.

In the end, their victim barely has any usable information, but they get the statement and all of the necessary paperwork signed. On their way out of the emergency department, a voice stops them in their tracks.

"Jay!"

Jay turns around and smiles when he sees a red-haired doctor making his way over. He nods to the man, taking a step forward, Hailey in his shadow. Hailey's never seen the man before, but he looks friendly, dressed in red scrubs and a long white coat.

"Hey. I didn't realize you were working today?" Jay says.

"I wasn't," the red-haired doctor chuckles. "Nasty car accident on I-94. Got called in."

"All good?"

The doctor nods. "Yeah, now it is. Who is this?"

Jay turns around to Hailey and takes a step to the side so he is no longer standing in front of her. "Will, this is my new partner, Detective Hailey Upton. Hailey, this is my brother Will."

Will.

She should have known from the minute she saw him who it was because now hearing his name, it fits. She knows that Will has red hair and remembers that he was studying to be a doctor when she and Jay were dating. Between his job and the uncanny resemblance between the two men and how well Jay is interacting with him, she should have immediately pieced together who it is.

She only talked to Will once or twice when they were kids and at the most, it was a simple hello and goodbye. When she and Jay were dating, Will lived in New York and he never came home to visit and Jay rarely called.

Still, by the look of surprise on his face, Will knows who she is and has clearly heard a few stories about her. Immediately, Hailey wants to disappear, just imagining what version of things Will has heard. She knows that Jay would not have made her out to be the bad guy in the story of their breakup, but at the same time, Will's allegiance is to Jay, not her.

"I didn't realize you two worked together," Will says slowly, clearly unsure of how to proceed. He looks to his brother for an explanation, Hailey's eyes following his gaze and Jay looks a bit startled as well.

"Just started in Intelligence a few weeks ago," Hailey explains, jumping in quickly before either brother can say anything more.

"Ah, right," Will nods, glancing at his brother. "Jay mentioned there was a new member.

"That's me," Hailey says nervously, and she wishes that Jay would say something, anything, but instead he just stands there, glancing between his partner and his brother.

"Yeah. It's been a bit of a hectic few weeks, you know?" Jay says at last. "Anyway, we should probably get back to the station. It was good seeing you, Will."

"Yeah," Will says and the doctor is about to turn around before he stops himself. "Wait. Jay, one more thing?"

Jay pauses and glances at his brother and Hailey takes a small step back, awkwardly watching the brothers.

"If you don't have a case on Saturday, can we use your truck?" Will asks. "I want to start moving dad into the new place."

She watches as Jay lets out a small groan and mutters something incoherent under his breath before looking back at his brother. "Yeah, just text me that morning, okay?"

Will nods and sends his brother an appreciative smile before saying one final goodbye to the detectives and slipping off into the organized chaos of the ED.

The walk back to the truck is quiet and Hailey is not sure if she should bring up the inevitable conversation, but Jay seems to have lost all patience, getting the ball rolling as soon as he puts his keys in the ignition.

"Ask whatever you are going to ask."

"What?" She asks softly, turning against the headrest to see him better.

Jay lets out a low sigh but doesn't respond, instead throwing his head over his shoulder to back up out of his parking spot. Once they are turning out of the parking lot and headed back to the district, he finally speaks. "Ask about my brother or my dad or whatever you are obviously thinking about."

"I wasn't-"

"You have your thinking face on," he cuts her off matter of factly.

"Didn't realize I made a face," Hailey murmurs lightly under her breath.

"Yeah. You do," Jay chuckles. "Your face gets kinda scrunchy and you bite your lip. You've had it since we were kids. It's how I knew I was in trouble."

"I object to that last part," Hailey says and for the first time in a long time, it almost feels like things are normal, like they are just them.

But then she remembers that things aren't normal. The air is cold and things are off and he won't quite look her in the eye the same way anymore.

"So?" Jay glances over at her when they come to sit at a stoplight. "Brother or dad, which one are you asking about first?"

"Jay, we don't have to-"

"Hailey-"

"Brother," she cuts him off. "Your brother knows about me?"

She hates that it sounds like she maybe wants it to mean something because she doesn't, but it just surprises her. His brother was in New York during the entirety of their relationship, and she knows he was not on good terms with anyone in his family back then, so it wouldn't surprise her if Will didn't know anything about her.

"We were engaged, Hailey," Jay rolls his eyes at her.

The light turns green, and he returns his attention to the street. Both hands grip the wheel and he makes a wide left turn, but once he is driving straight again, he quickly glances at her.

"He knows," Jay continues. "I mean, we weren't talking a whole lot back then, but we used to talk for Christmas and birthdays. You know, the obligatory times to call family?"

She doesn't remember him ever calling Will back when they lived together, but maybe he did it before she woke up or when she went to work or even during the few minutes where she called her brothers to wish them Happy Holidays.

"He knew I was seeing the girl who used to live next door and then he knew when we got engaged," Jay explains. "And then…"

"He knew when we broke up?" Hailey fills in when his voice trails off and Jay nods.

"Will doesn't hate you or anything," Jay says quickly, clearly already anticipating her anxiety. "He gets that we were young, and it was for the best."

Hailey is not sure if for the best is the way she would explain it, more like it was their only choice left in order to salvage any pieces of their crumbling selves, but she just hums and nods.

"When did he come back to Chicago?" She asks, changing the subject.

"Three years ago," Jay says with a soft smile. "It's been nice having him back."

Hailey nods and she wonders what has changed with his brother in the past few years. Back when they were together, she knew Jay and Will were not on the greatest terms, even if Jay never straight out said it. Maybe he resented his brother for going to New York while their mom was sick or maybe their father finally drove a wedge between them, she doesn't know. But, whatever happened, she is happy that for the past few years, Jay has at least had someone.

"What ever happened to your brothers?" Jay asks, glancing at her quickly, and when Hailey hesitates, he immediately starts to fluster.

"If it's a sensitive topic-"

"No," she cuts him off. "Just caught me off guard. We still talk. Peter moved out to Indianapolis a few years ago for work. Thomas lives like an hour out of the city. He's got a wife and a kid. I go see him every now and then."

"That the kid I saw at Bartoli's?"

Hailey looks at him in surprise and honestly, she's a little shocked he even remembers that. The memory brings a small smile to her lips, thinking about seeing him for the first time in years at a restaurant of all places. It feels so long ago, and she wonders if it would have been safer to never find him again after that day.

"Yeah," Hailey hums. "Carter. He's so big now, it's crazy."

Jay nods with a small smile, and for a second, it strikes Hailey as odd that earlier in the day she couldn't even get him to talk to her and now they are talking about their families. So, rolling with the progress they have made, she presses her luck a little further.

"And your dad?" She asks nervously.

Jay sighs and this time, he does not look at her when he answers. "Nothing has really changed. We still don't get along well. His health is bad, though, so I've kinda just had to suck it up and help him. I do it more for my mom's sake than anything else. We're moving him to a new apartment this weekend. He can't really take care of the house anymore."

"Got it," Hailey mutters softly, not sure of what else to say.

"I'm gonna take the bold assumption that you still don't talk to your parents?" He asks and she just chuckles, despite the weight of the question.

"Smart man," she says. "Don't think I've talked to them since…"

Her voice trails off as she remembers the last time she actually spoke to one of her parents, the conversation with her mother right before Hailey broke up with Jay.

"Got it," he hums when he realizes what she is thinking, and once again, his jaw is tense and he is gripping the steering wheel.

"We should go through pod footage again," Hailey says, taking the conversation back to the safety of the case and away from the dangerous topics. "Maybe something will stick out now that we have this guy's statement."

"Yeah," Jay mumbles. "Maybe."

His grip on the wheel doesn't change for the rest of the drive and for the first time in a long time, Hailey realizes she has no clue what Jay Halstead is thinking.

By the end of the day, the only thing Hailey wants to do is drive straight home and fall into bed and not wake up for ten hours. After she signs her last report, she tidies up her desk and silently makes her way to the locker room to grab her jacket and keys so she can leave for the night.

Kim is already in the locker room, shrugging on her jacket, looking as tired as Hailey feels. The woman shoots Hailey a kind smile as Hailey comes in and Hailey gives a small wave. It's still a bit awkward between the two of them, Kim only having come back to work three days ago, but she seems nice and like a damn good cop and Hailey is looking forward to getting to work with her more.

"How was your first day with Halstead?" Kim calls out as she zips her jacket.

"It was…"

Simple

Complicated

Familiar

Confusing

"Good."

Kim must be able to read Hailey's hesitancy, chuckling as she steps out into the middle of the locker room. "The whole brooding, tough guy thing? That's just Jay. It's nothing personal. He's a really good guy, trust me. I think you guys will work well together."

Hailey hums, trying to suppress the knowing smile that plays at her lips because they do work well together, that's not the problem.

"Yeah," Hailey hums. "He seems great. The whole team does."

Kim nods. "Well, you seem to fit well with everyone. Just give Jay some time. He gets a little less scary after a while."

"Do I?" They hear a voice call out and a few seconds later, Jay is wandering into the locker room, shooting Kim a suspicious look.

"Yeah," Kim chirps as Jay goes to his own locker. "I think I've seen you smile a whole five times this year. That's more than the first year I knew you."

"You keep track?" Jay scoffs.

"Office betting pool," Kim says with a shrug. She grabs her keys from her pocket and gives a small wave to the two detectives. "I'll see you guys tomorrow. Have a good night, you two."

As Kim leaves, it feels like a switch is flipped, the calm welcoming atmosphere gone and replaced by awkward tension. After their talk in the truck, they got a call from Kevin that the rest of the gang found a lead and for the rest of the day, it was enough busyness that Jay and Hailey did not have another moment to really speak. And even if things were okay today, she is still just not sure where they stand.

"You two swapping secrets about me or something?" Jay chuckles, eyes fixed on the inside of his locker.

"I wouldn't even know where to begin," Hailey murmurs.

"Really?" He laughs. "I would think you would have a running list of embarrassing things about me. Like, that one time-"

"Jay," she cuts him off gently with a sigh. "Don't do this."

"Do what?" He leans back, hand holding his locker door.

"This," she reiterates, taking a step into the middle of the room, standing behind one of the benches. "Pretending everything is fine and we are teenagers and best friends again. Don't pretend that we didn't leave things on confusing terms. Don't pretend that you're not hurting because of Erin-"

"Don't," he is the one to cut her off this time, voice much harsher than it's been with her since she started in Intelligence, probably the harshest it's been in years.

"Jay, I'm all for the whole being friends thing," she continues softly. "But I think we are setting ourselves up for disaster if we don't talk about things and if you don't-"

"If I don't what, Hailey?" He swings his locker door shut and she is surprised by the slam. "If we don't talk about a fight that happened almost ten years ago and I don't talk about my feelings about Erin? She left. That's it. It's over. I've moved on."

"This is the problem, Jay," she says calmly, not wanting Voight or whoever is left in the bullpen coming and seeing what all the ruckus is about. "We push each other away when things are difficult. I did it with my family, you did it with the military. It's the reason things didn't work out between us. But we can't do that now. Not when we literally need to trust each other with our lives."

He is quiet for a moment, and she is half expecting him to just walk out but he just lets out a sigh and his shoulders sag as he comes to sit on the bench a few inches from where she is standing.

"I know," he breathes out. "I know this isn't fair to you."

"Jay, I don't give a crap about fair. I care about us being able to work together without it being weird or without us lying to each other or wanting to rip each other's heads off."

Jay lets out a soft chuckle and she shoots him a confused look because everything they are talking about is not exactly a laughing matter and she can't figure out what about her last sentence he could possibly find funny. Hesitantly, she sits down on the bench too, on the opposite side, leaving as much room between them as possible.

"What?"

"It's nothing," he shakes his head, that familiar smile playing at his lips. "It's just...it's ironic, isn't it? Our timing?"

She cocks her head to the side in question and she is about to ask what he means, but he can still read her expressions all too well, so he just chuckles again and explains.

"You always seem to show up when I'm a hot mess. High school. When I got home from the military. Now. You always have this way of saving me from myself."

"Jay, I don't think I've ever saved you," she breathes out and it feels like the truth because she knows she has been a lot of things for him, but a savior does not feel like one of them.

"Well, maybe this time it'll be different."

His words, they seem a lot like promises of one day, and she has to try to remind herself that it was just a polite lie they told each other and a hopeless dream from years ago. She can't let herself go down that road again, not when they are partners, not when she already knows how the story is going to end.

"We're partners, Jay," Hailey says at last. "We need to be able to trust each other."

"I know," he nods, hesitating for a moment before he adds. "I don't want everything to mess up our being partners or you being in Intelligence."

"I appreciate that," she hums quietly. She awkwardly fiddles with her hands, still feeling the strange tension between them, and wishing that there was something more she could say to fix it.

"If it's worth anything," Jay starts before pausing, seemingly losing confidence in his words but she nods for him to continue. "I think we'll make good partners….I mean, you're the reason I even became a cop. Kinda weird to think that now we'll be working together."

If Hailey closes her eyes, she swears that she is there in that rundown apartment, sitting on the floor with newspapers and beer bottles littered around them. She can practically hear the conversation about the future and she can almost feel the press of his lips against hers.

And if she knew then what she knows now, how the relationship would go, that they would both become cops and eventually partners, she would not have believed a single detail.

"I think we'll be good partners too," Hailey says, at last, having a million more things that she wants to say but none of the words to say them.

Jay nods and by the look on his face, his mind is running amuck too. She wonders how long it is before they inevitably have to talk about everything and clear the air.

"I'll figure out my stuff with Erin and I'll make sure it doesn't affect you," Jay whispers eventually, causing Hailey to look up in surprise. "I promise."

A part of her wants to ask about their history too but she bites her tongue, figuring that it is best to take things one step at a time.

"I'm here if you need anything," she whispers. "You're gonna get through this, okay? You're gonna figure this out."

Hailey knows he has survived someone leaving before and that he'll survive this one too. And maybe it's selfish, but she hopes it doesn't tear him apart like all of the other times. Because it would mean that this time around, the relationship was not as serious, but at least then the goodbye will be a little easier.

"Thanks, Hailey," he says. "See you tomorrow?"

Hailey nods and they both stand up from the bench and grab their things. Jay gives her a small wave before slipping out of the locker room without another word. Hailey waits for a second, giving him enough time to get at least halfway to the parking lot before she starts walking out for the night.

It's never been confusing with him, not the way it was today. In the past, it was all good or all bad, the dichotomies keeping them safe from their feelings and reality. But today was good and hard and messy and real and that's what scares her.

Because one minute he's got her laughing like they are kids and the next she is ready to yell at him because he is withdrawing from her. And she wouldn't give a damn if he didn't still mean something to her, if their relationship was not still an important part of her life.

But he still means something and she knows that the door to whatever they are will never be completely closed, leading to the millions of feelings running through her right now.

It's day one and she is already confused out of her mind and all she can hope is that day two will go a little smoother.