TW: Case involving the death of a child, PTSD, drinking

Were you lying when you said forever?

- Were you Lying by Jansen and THE WLDLIFE

(June 2017)

To say the past few weeks have been hard would be putting it lightly.

Jay is good with chaos. It is nothing new in his life. Between the army and being a cop, he has gotten used to a fast-paced life and multiple things being thrown at him at once.

It's easy at work and he takes it in stride but in his personal life? It's a little harder.

First, Hailey comes back. It's not that he doesn't want to see her, more so that he is surprised, and he does not know what life looks like with her being back. Because he's dreamed of seeing her more times than he can count during the past few years but now she's here and once again, their timing is off.

Because of Erin.

Erin, who leaves not even two weeks after Hailey arrives. They weren't together when she left, the two of them on a break from some stupid fight that Jay barely even remembers at this point. But her leaving still stings, especially considering that she did not tell him she was leaving.

And he barely had time to process that before he was partnered up with Hailey.

He knew it was a possibility that he would get paired with Hailey. He was the one without a partner and she was the one who had been hopping between all the other officers since her first day. It was an easier transition to just pair her up with Jay instead of changing up partnerships for the entire unit, but still, Jay thought there was a chance that Voight might want to distribute the detectives and have them each take an officer for training purposes.

And it's not that he's mad. He is sure she is a good cop. She must be for Voight to meet her once and already want her in his unit. She's got a fight in her that he has never seen in another cop he has worked with and he is sure she could run circles around every member in Intelligence. It's not an issue of her, more an issue of who she isn't.

Erin was his partner for four years and things might have always been complicated and maybe even messy at the end, but he loved her, and she was his partner and he can't quite turn that all off.

It would be hard enough to turn it all off if Hailey was a stranger, if they were starting their partnership with a blank slate, but they don't have that luxury. They've got a more complicated relationship than he and Erin ever did.

And seeing her standing in that bank, brought years' worth of feelings back. And that's what's terrifying because he can't love another partner and he most certainly can't try again with Hailey, not when losing her last time almost broke him.

The whole situation makes work a bit more complicated than it needs to be and more often than not, he finds himself giving her the cold shoulder or just being plain old awkward with her when they are alone. It's not intentional, but he does not know how else to act with her to avoid one or both of them getting hurt.

"The rest of the team seems nice," Hailey says quietly from the passenger seat of his truck. They are driving towards an open lot about fifteen minutes away to meet with the rest of the team before they take down a gun deal. It's a case they have been working on for the past several days and he knows the whole team is more than ready to put it behind them.

They're seven minutes into the drive and so far, it has been complete silence. Jay shouldn't be surprised though that she is trying to make small talk. She never did well with quiet car rides when they were younger.

"They're good police," Jay says simply, not even glancing over at Hailey while he talks.

"How long have they all been in Intelligence?"

Jay grips the steering wheel a little tighter. He knows that they agreed they would try to be friends for the sake of their jobs. But it's harder than he expected, dealing with Erin leaving and Hailey coming back.

"Adam started a few weeks after me," he tells her, fighting to keep any hint of frustration out of his voice. "We pulled him right out of the Academy. Kevin started about a year later. Kim's only been in Intelligence for a few months. Al and Antonio were both original members."

"Antonio is the one who went to work with the state's attorney, right?"

Jay quietly nods but does not add anything. For another beat, it's quiet, the awkward silence filling the truck yet again.

"It's been nice having Kim back," Hailey tries her attempt at small talk again. Kim came back from her leave right before Jay and Hailey got partnered together, the poor other officer returning to a very different version of Intelligence than the one she left. "There weren't a lot of female cops my age in my last unit."

"Yeah," Jay sighs. "She's real solid. You two will like each other."

"There's something there with her and Adam, right? I'm not losing my mind?" Hailey asks quietly, the faintest hint of teasing in her voice. It's the first time Jay allows himself to almost crack a smile, because of course she would pick up on that.

"They used to be engaged," Jay explains, ignoring the look of surprise on Hailey's face. "It was a few years back. Kim was still on patrol. They called it off after a few months. I'm not really sure what exactly happened."

"So, apparently working with your ex-fiancé is a common thing in Intelligence?" Hailey breathes out, a sad attempt at a joke, but Jay still humors her attempt with a chuckle.

"Apparently," he sighs. He thinks that he could say more, maybe make a joke about how their past is wildly more complicated than Kim and Adam's or say that the fact that the two of them have been working together for a few years, despite their broken engagement is proof that Jay and Hailey will be able to figure it out too.

But the first thought makes him feel sad, his mind just filling up with years of unsaid confessions that are now bouncing around in his head every time he sees her. And if he's honest, he's still not too sure how they figure it out, even if other couples before them have navigated working together post-break-up.

So, Jay stays quiet and lets another uncomfortable silence fall over the truck. It's a few more minutes before he can tell that Hailey is getting antsy, and she tentatively closes the case file that is in her lap.

"How did you join Intelligence?" Her question is quiet, hesitant, and when he glances at her quickly, she is already looking out the passenger side window.

"Got shot," he says without thinking, and out of the corner of his eye, he watches as her head snaps back over to look at him. Through his sunglasses, he can see her eyes widen with worry.

"I was undercover with organized crime. I was working with them after I did patrol," he explains quickly. "Got shot in the shoulder which was basically a ticket to wherever I wanted to go."

"And you chose Intelligence?" She whispers and he nods. Hailey's quiet for a moment as she thinks, awkwardly fiddling with her fingers in her lap before she laughs quietly and says, "Never knew you did undercover too."

"Yeah, well you're not the only one who has done it," he breathes out before he even thinks about his words, and he realizes that the way he phrases it sounds much nastier than he was intending.

"Sorry," Jay says quickly. "That's not what I meant-"

Hailey waves a hand at him, a silent cue that it's okay. It's clear that she understands that this is difficult for both of them but probably more so for him than her with the added pain of Erin leaving. Thankfully, she has gone easy on him the past few days through all the awkward silence and changes in his mood.

"What's the game plan when we get there?" Hailey changes the subject to something safer. "It's our first raid as partners. I want to make sure none of our stuff-"

"It won't," Jay cuts her off, already knowing where she is going. As hard as it might be when they are alone in the truck, when they are out in the field, he knows that they are both professional enough to turn it all off and do their job. "I'll have your back in there. It'll be fine."

"I'll have yours too."

Silence fills the truck again, a little less awkward than before but still just as loud, and if Jay puts more pressure on the gas pedal, then there is nothing of it.

When he was a child, Jay remembers his father often muttering the phrase, "When it rains, it pours."

Usually, the old man used the phrase to describe a series of things going wrong, like that summer where Jay broke his wrist and then the washing machine was on the fritz and the car engine died. But, as Jay got older, he swears the man just used it as his permanent outlook on life.

It's while standing in the hospital, staring through the glass at a little girl fighting for her life that Jay starts to understand the phrase.

First, Erin left. She left without saying goodbye and Jay wishes he could say that it was the first time the girl he loved slipped away without a word, but it's not.

So, it's safe to say that her leaving messed with his brain.

It would be one thing if just Erin left. Maybe he could deal with that with some time and alcohol but then Hailey came back too and with her, she brought lots of memories and feelings. Feelings he has not had to feel in years, memories that he has tried to leave in the past.

Because he looks at her and something deep in him knows that there's more to the story, and that terrifies the hell out of him because no matter how much he loves her, how much he will always love her, he wants to close that book and put it on the shelf and never look at it again.

But it's not just Erin and it's not just Hailey.

It's Morgan.

The gun raid went wrong and a bullet from his gun ripped through the door of a daycare and hit a little girl named Morgan.

A child.

At first, they thought she got shot by one of the suspects they were chasing. While he was looking for one of their suspects, Jay found Hailey in a back room, hovering over an injured child, and everyone assumed it was a terrible accident because of the gun raid. And even that was hard, seeing a child fighting for her life when she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Just the very image of her bleeding out in the back of his truck, wrapped in Hailey's arms, was enough to set something off it him.

But then he finds out that he shot her and it all goes to hell. The minute Voight tells Jay what happened – that it was a bullet from Jay's gun, that he was the one who accidentally shot her, that he is the reason she is fighting for her life – time slows down. He can't hear, he can't feel, he can't think.

All he can do is see. See the faces of all of the children in Afghanistan, of all the children in Chicago. He vividly sees Ricky, the bright red blood on the dark concrete. And now, he sees Morgan, her blood on the backseat of his truck.

Jay does all that he can think to do. He drives straight to the hospital and stands outside of Morgan's room, watching her mother cry over her little girl, attached to so many machines Jay is not quite sure where the wires start and Morgan ends. From the minute he got into his truck to this very second, his phone is nonstop vibrations and he notices several missed calls and texts from Hailey, a slew of messages ranging from "Where are you" to "Are you okay" but he doesn't open a single one of them. He's too focused on Morgan.

So deep in his thoughts, Jay almost does not hear Will walk past him. He removes his arm from the large window he was leaning against as his brother comes to stand next to him, decked in scrubs with a tablet in hand.

"Her vitals have stabilized," Will announces. "She's holding her own."

"So, she has a chance?" Jay asks in a hopeful whisper, arms crossed as he glances at Will.

"Yeah," Will nods. "Now, we just need some things to work our way."

Jay turns around and mutters "That's great news" as Will's pager starts buzzing, his brother checking the pager quickly before turning to him.

"You okay?"

Jay bites his upper lip and shakes his head, looking past Will. "No," he does not even attempt to lie. "Not really, man."

"Look, I know it's hard to see some punk's-"

"I shot her," Jay cuts him off, finally looking up at his brother. "I shot her. Bullet came from my gun."

Will's eyes narrow on Jay, mouth slightly agape as he whispers, "Your gun?"

"Yeah," Jay says slowly. "So…"

"I'm sorry, Jay," Will says again, shaking his head, but then a moment later, his pager is buzzing again and this time, it's clear he can't avoid it. He lets out a sigh and moves to hug Jay, patting him on the back and telling him "You just stay strong, alright man?"

As Jay leans out of Will's embrace, he can see Hailey out of the corner of his eye. She is standing a few feet away, looking more reserved than he ever remembers seeing her, just watching the exchange between the two brothers.

"Yeah," Jay whispers as his brother finally slips off. Instead of averting his attention to Hailey, though, he just looks back through the window at Morgan. He does not want to brush her off like he did in the car this morning, but he just does not have the energy in him for whatever this encounter is about to be.

He hears more than sees her walk over, the shuffling of her jacket alerting him to her movement, and then he hears her say, "Hey I just heard-"

"Hey, I'm fine," he brushes his hand against her shoulder as he tries to step past her. "Thanks."

He tries to walk away, tries to get out of this damn hospital hallway as fast as he can, but he should know that it's not that simple, not with Hailey.

"Jay, look-" she calls out and he internally groans before turning around to look at her. "I didn't see you exchange fire, but I got your back-"

"Just tell the truth," he tells her, trying to ignore her worried eyes. "I got nothing to hide."

She gives a small, uncertain nod, and he knows that she is holding something back, the look in her eye telling him she has a million more questions.

"When are you meeting with the shooting team?" She asks, and it's clearly the safest of her questions.

He lightly taps his hands together in front of him and says, "Twenty minutes."

"Good luck," she whispers.

He nods and mutters "Thanks" before attempting to turn around and actually leave, but once again, she calls out his name and stops him in his tracks.

"Jay," she tries again, a little louder this time. He does not fully turn around, just throws his head over his shoulder to see what she wants.

The way she looks at him, he knows that she is scared, the features so familiar to what he saw from her in the final days of their relationship, and he knows that she must be much more worried than she is letting on.

"I know things between us are…" she pauses and shakes her head. "But if you need anything, I got you, okay?"

"Thanks," he says quickly, an attempt to end the conversation, but she is not done.

"I mean it," she continues. "Promise me you're going to take care of yourself."

"Hailey-"

"Promise," she says, harsher than she has spoken since she came to the hospital.

The fear, the worry, the concern, it's written all over her face and it's so damn loud that he can almost hear her it yelling at him.

It's not the first time she has asked him to promise her something. If he thinks back clearly, back past the alcohol and the pain, he'll probably remember that she was asking him to make promises more often than not in the last few days of their relationship.

"You can tell me if something's wrong. You know you can talk to me about anything, right?"

"Promise me we will talk about this at some point. And if you can't deal with it, you'll talk to someone."

"Promise me you're gonna be happy."

"Promise you're not gonna forget"

Some of those promises were easier to keep than others and Jay thinks the only promise he really ever kept was to not forget her. Maybe she knows that and that's why she's fighting so hard. If she couldn't get him to keep the promises the first time around, she can try harder the second time.

Maybe this time he'll be strong enough to keep the promises.

"I promise," he whispers at last. "Thanks, Hailey."

She gives him a small nod and takes a step back, a silent message that he can go. He takes one last look at her and then glances at Morgan again, before finally leaving.

As he walks out of the hospital towards his truck, he tries to not think of the chaos that his life has become. Tries to not think of Erin leaving or Hailey coming back or Morgan tied to thousands of wires.

He tries and he tries and he tries but he can't.

"I promise," Jay whispers. "Thanks, Hailey."

Hailey knows it's a lie. He has had the same tells for when he is lying since he was sixteen, the same change in tone and the same look in his eyes, and she knows right now, he is just trying to appease her.

Even with that knowledge, though, Hailey nods and watches Jay walk out of the hospital hallway without another word.

For a moment, she just stands in place, watching Morgan through the glass window, wondering about the thousands of thoughts that must be running through Jay's mind. He never told her much about what he saw overseas, but she wonders if today is bringing things up for him.

There's a look in his eyes, something resembling the look he had back when they lived together, the look that tells her he is slowly slipping.

Last time, she didn't see it, already too far down her own spiral to save him, but this time, she sees the look of desperation crystal clear.

Without a second thought, Hailey walks down the hall, in the opposite direction that Jay went, and starts searching for the other Halstead brother, the one she is less acquainted with. Hailey makes her way down to the emergency department and sees Will with a patient. She stands quietly to the side, letting him finish, until a few minutes later Will comes out, shooting her a confused look as he walks over towards her.

"Detective," he says, keeping a professional tone. "You here to talk to a patient?"

Hailey shakes her head. "Actually, I was hoping I could talk to you?"

He cocks his head to the side, eyes scrunched up in question, and for a second, Hailey almost forgets all her worries, because Will has the same confused look as Jay. But it's something that, despite the many years of shared history she has with his brother, she never knew.

"Yeah," Will nods after a moment. He motions to the doctor's lounge, and Hailey nods, following in his footsteps towards the empty room. Will walks towards the middle of the room while Hailey lingers by the door, nervously shifting her weight on the balls of her feet.

"Something come up with a case or-" Will draws out, clearly confused as to why Hailey wants to talk to him in private.

"Um," Hailey starts, glancing down at the floor and sucking in a deep breath before looking back up at Will. "I'm worried about him."

"Hailey-"

"Look," Hailey cuts Will off before he can say anything else. "I get that you probably hate me and you have every right. He's your brother, you should be on his side. I just…"

I haven't seen him like this since before we broke up.

She wonders if Will knows. Knows how his brother was falling apart back then. She remembers the two not being close all those years ago, but it seems like they have repaired things now. Maybe he knows, but something tells her it's another one of those things Jay has kept close to the vest.

"I'm just really worried about him," Hailey finally finishes.

For a moment, Will does not say anything and Hailey thinks he is going to scoff, tell her that she has no right to be coming to him after all she has put his brother through. She starts nervously playing with her hands, waiting for Will to tell her to leave, but it never comes. Instead, he sighs and nods.

"I'm worried about him too," Will tells her. "It's been a long few weeks for him. He wasn't doing well before this."

"I didn't think he was," Hailey whispers smally before she is even able to think otherwise. Will looks up at her questioningly and she sighs, figuring it's best to just put it all out there. "I saw it happen when we were younger…I thought this time maybe it would just be temporary while he adjusted to Erin leaving…I think I was fooling myself though."

As soon as the words are out of Hailey's mouth, she feels guilty, because if any part of her sensed that he was struggling, she should have said something earlier. Now it feels eerily similar to twenty-three and watching him spiral, being stuck and unable to do anything to help him because she was already too far gone herself.

Will must be able to read her guilt because he shakes his head and takes a tentative step forward. "I love my brother but dealing with things the healthy way has never really been his strong suit. And I can't really blame him because it's not like I was around and I'm sure you know the history with our dad…"

Will's voice trails off for a moment and she is waiting for him to say "and then you weren't there either" but it never comes.

"He's been dealing with it all on his own for a while and I think he's been doing the best that he can. I'm just not sure it's going to work too much longer."

"Me either," Hailey whispers quietly, unsure of what else to say. There's a request on her tongue, the real reason she came here to talk to Will, but it feels like it's stuck in the back of her throat. Will senses the hesitation, cocking his head to the side in silent confusion, and it almost makes Hailey smile because she swears that look must be genetic.

"Can you just...can you just watch him?" Hailey asks in a whisper. "I get that he's not gonna want to open up to me, but I just need to make sure someone's got his back."

Will nods, a small little smile growing on his lips that throws Hailey off. "Of course...although, I think you might be wrong about him not opening up to you."

"What-"

"He still loves you."

Hailey looks up at Will, eyes wide, and that small little smile is almost smirky now. It must be a familial thing because that smirk looks so familiar, and it reminds her of being young and living in a cheap apartment and pure happiness. If she was not so taken aback by Will's statement, she'd be in awe of how all of Will's facial expressions somehow remind her of Jay.

"I don't know if it's the same," Will explains when he senses Hailey's confusion. "But he still loves you. I know my brother and I know there is no way he ever stopped loving you."

"I…" she mumbles. "How...I-"

Will laughs at her incoherent rambling, shaking his head. "When you guys broke up, Jay and I weren't on the best terms. I didn't see how he responded to the breakup, but I doubt it was good."

"It wasn't," Hailey hums sadly, thinking back to the few times she actually saw him since they broke up. "Neither of us did really well with it."

"That's what I thought," Will murmurs. "And I doubt he ever even told me the whole story, but whenever he told me about you, even the parts where he was crying, the way he talked about you, I knew that he never completely moved on."

"Will," Hailey says, ready to fight his belief because there is no way after all of these years and all of this history Jay still holds onto any feelings, but the argument dies on her lips.

Because how can she try to convince Will that it's impossible when Hailey is still as confused about her feelings as she was when she was a kid.

"He's still got that red bracelet."

"What?" Hailey's head snaps up to look at Will, his words completely pulling her out of her thoughts. "He told you about that?"

"No," Will laughs. "But I've seen it a handful of times and whenever I ask about it, he gets all defensive. I made the mistake of telling him once that he should throw it out because it was a little frayed and I swear he almost bit my head off."

"How do you know it's from me then?" Hailey asks, unable to hold back the question, hating how desperate she must sound.

"He's always just told me it was from a friend. But the way he talked about it, I figured it was you who gave it to him. He gets the same look in his eye every time he talks about you. I've never seen him have that look when he talks about anyone else, so I put two and two together."

She hasn't seen that red string bracelet since she was sitting in a hospital room as the patient, the other Halstead brother looking at her with concerned eyes and masked pain. It's been years since she placed it on his wrist for the first time and the string must be fraying and falling apart by this point, but it's still there.

When he was overseas, he told her it was a reminder of her. And after they broke up, it was his reminder that there were good things to look forward to, a reminder of their second chance.

She wonders what it's his reminder for these days.

"I gave it to him before he enlisted," Hailey whispers, unable to help the smile that forms on her face at the memory. "I'm honestly surprised that thing has lasted this long."

Will shrugs. "He must really care about it I guess."

He must really care about you I guess

Hailey reads between Will's words and she is about to say something, but then Will's pager is going off, and he looks at her with an apologetic glance before looking down to check it.

"Hey, I gotta go," he tells her. "But I'll watch over him. You do the same for me, okay?"

Hailey nods and watches as Will grips the tablet in his hand and walks past her. He is at the door of the doctor's lounge when he turns around, staring at her intently for a moment with a knowing grin on his lips.

"I don't hate you by the way," Will calls out softly. "I know things didn't work out between you two but...I still think you are good for him. You've always made him so happy."

Before she can respond, Will is slipping away, leaving her speechless. If it were any other circumstances, she might let herself get lost in Will's words. She might become consumed with the idea that he said that she is good, not that she was good. She might think about how Jay has always made her happy too. How maybe, just maybe, they could be happy again.

But her mind is too consumed with worry to be blinded by the happiness. There's a time for that later, Hailey reasons. Right now, she needs to be there for Jay, as much as he will let her be.

For Jay, the rest of the case passes slowly, not because the case is easy but because he gets benched. Internal Affairs wants him to sit out while they look into the details of the shooting, which somehow turns into him needing to sit out to avoid the media storm that the case has become. His name is on the news, and they are calling him a killer and all Jay can do is sit at home with a bottle of beer and hope that it makes everything just stop.

It doesn't.

He sits at home for a few days before he finally gets a call from Voight that simply states "I took care of things" and tells him the information for a press conference that Jay needs to make an appearance at. Voight does not say anything more and Jay does not ask any questions, figuring he does not want to know how Voight got Internal Affairs to back down.

Jay pulls himself off of his couch, not even bothering to pick up the beer bottles that are littered through the living room, and forces himself to shower and put on a nice suit. He grabs his wallet and his keys, ready to head out the door, and quickly checks his phone, seeing another missed text from Hailey.

Hailey Upton: Voight told me what's going on. Good luck. Here if you need anything.

It's not the first concerned text she's sent him in the past few days. And for most of them, Jay's response has been short, normally a quick "Thanks" or "I'm okay" but he knows he is not fooling her. Honestly, he's not sure what motivates him to respond to her text this time instead of just pocketing his phone and heading over to the press conference.

Maybe deep down he knows that she means it, that she cares and wants to be there, or maybe Jay just wants her to come so he is not alone.

Jay Halstead: Could you come to the press conference?

He clicks off his phone before he is able to give it a second thought and shoves it into his pocket and makes his way over to the press conference. He gets there and stands behind Alderman Price, and tries to fight the disappointment he feels when he does not see Hailey in the crowd. He listens to Price clear his name and as he talks about the several lives that Jay Halstead has saved, a sense of guilt is added to that disappointment.

Jay does not stay long after the press conference, just wanting to go home and drink the night away. As he is walking across the street towards his car, a familiar voice calls out for him and Jay thinks if he had any more energy, he might feel something, maybe relief, maybe resentment, but right now, he feels empty.

"Hey," Hailey calls out as Jay rounds the corner, her feet rushing towards him.

"Hey."

"Sorry, I got here as fast as I could," she says quickly as they keep walking. "It's over?"

"Yeah, it just ended," he says tiredly. He keeps his eyes on the ground, but Jay is acutely aware of the way her eyes gaze up at him, filled with concern and worry and maybe even something more.

"How'd it go?"

"It was good," he breathes out, finally looking over at her. "Really good actually. Price was very gracious."

He walks past Hailey over to his parked truck, turning around and seeing a small smile on her face. "I'm not really sure what prompted all of this but-"

"Hey, take yes for an answer-" Hailey smiles softly, but it's clear the smile is an attempt to mask the worry.

Jay nods, lips still pressed into a tight line, unsure of what to say until Hailey sighs and says, "If there's anything you need, please let me know."

He could lie. He could say he's fine or even just brush her off and she might let it slide given how the past few days have been going. But it's her, the thing he's always clung to when his world was falling apart, and he thinks that he needs her right now, despite all that has happened.

"I'll be okay eventually. I think I just gotta make sense of it all."

"Yeah," Hailey murmurs. "It's tough. Trust me."

Jay squints at her, forehead wrinkling in confusion. "Have you-"

He can't find the words to finish his question, but her small nod lets him know what he's trying to say. "Yeah. Different circumstances, but-"

He needs her right now but then her words are reminding him of their past, the fact that she went undercover and he let her. The fact that they needed the time apart. It flips a switch in him he can't quite understand, and he thinks that maybe, as much as he thinks he needs her right now, that's not actually what's best, for either other of them.

"Have you talked to Morgan's mom yet?" She asks him, pulling him out of his thoughts.

"No. I don't think I'm ready," he tells her honestly.

"Oh man," she shakes her head. "You're never going to be ready. You just have to do it."

He nods, a tight-lipped smile plastered on his face and he knows that she is right. This has always been the part of the job that he hates, seeing the faces of the surviving family members.

"Want me to come with you?" She offers graciously, but Jay shakes his head.

"No. I need to do this alone. Thanks, though," he shoots down the suggestion quickly and tries to ignore the little bit of disappointment that is written on her face.

The way she is looking at him right now is the same way she looked at him when he was twenty-five and starting to fall apart back then. Maybe she knows that this is the beginning of that same cycle, and she is trying to take preventative measures but Jay feels so far gone this time around that it doesn't even matter.

"I'm here if you need anything," she nods, voice quiet. "Or if you don't want to talk to me, there's Will or...just promise me you're not gonna deal with this all alone, okay?"

It's another promise that sounds so familiar as it hits his ears. Promise me you'll talk to someone, promise me you'll figure it out, promise me you'll be okay.

He's never been good at keeping promises though.

"Hailey," he shakes his head and clicks his tongue. "I'll be fine, really."

"Jay-"

"It's part of the job," he cuts her off. "I'll figure it out."

He'll figure it out like he told her he would figure things out with Erin, and like how he told her he would figure out how to deal with the nightmares when they were younger.

She did not believe it then and Jay knows she does not believe it now, but she swallows whatever argument is on her tongue and nods.

"Okay," Hailey whispers. "Good luck talking to her mom. I'll see you at work tomorrow."

Hailey steps past him and walks away before he can even say goodbye and he knows she is hurt by the way he pushed her away again. It's for the best, though, he tells himself. This is his burden to bear, and he can figure it out on his own without complicating things with Hailey. There is already so much heaviness there and the last thing he needs is to be opening up to her about this.

Even after Hailey is long gone down the street, Jay stands alone and tries to convince himself that he is fine.

Jay goes to talk to Morgan's mom that night.

And after that, he goes to a bar across town, one he knows will not have any familiar faces.

He drinks one, two, three, more drinks until he stops counting the drinks as the liquor hits his throat. Each drink is to forget. Forget a memory, forget the pain, forget it all.

Drink one is to forget Morgan, her face, and the bullet in her side.

Drink two is for Erin. For her leaving, for being stupid enough to believe that she could fill the hole inside of him.

Drink three is for Hailey. For all the complicated feelings he still has and for the hole in his heart that she created, the one he has been trying to fill for years.

Drink four is just to forget.

It doesn't work. So, he has another drink.