Happy New Year y'all! For those of you who might have missed it, I posted a new one-shot series over on Ao3 called "that's another story." With the exception of Haunted, I'll be posting primarily over there, so make sure you check that out. My name is the same on both sites!

TW: PTSD, Nightmares

You left a mess in my head, and I wish I could lie and say that I've been doing fine

-mess in my head by nightly

(June 2017)

Jay comes back to work the next day visibly off and if they're being honest, probably a little hungover. Hailey notices it the minute he walks in. His eyes remind her of how they used to look when he would come home late from the bar. Glassy, not quite there, filled with remorse and the regrets of one too many beers.

She knows he went to go talk to Morgan's mom last night. If there's one thing she knows about Jay, it's that his heart bleeds for every victim they work with and there was going to be no way he could sleep until he saw Morgan's mother. But she can't help but wonder what damage seeing her mother did to him. How many ghosts did it stir up?

By the size of his coffee and the way he drinks the extra-large drink far too fast, Hailey is sure it stirred up a few.

"How'd it go last night?" Hailey murmurs quietly as Jay sits at his desk across from her.

He's slow to react, looking up at her hazily, and she can see the tiredness in his eyes. "Fine. As good as it can go, you know?"

Hailey hums at his answer, not quite convinced but she lets herself drop it. The rest of the team strolls in and if they notice Jay's tiredness, they don't say a thing. It makes her think that maybe they've seen it before, the little signs that he is not alright, but they have not really seen it. And she gets it because he hides it well. She probably is only noticing it now because she knows him as well as she knows herself.

Hailey tries to ask him about it again, but he doesn't give her the chance. He's quiet with her in the truck and he leaves the locker room that night before she even can get a second alone with him.

So, she tries again the next day.

"You good?" She asks him quietly as they drive to go talk to a suspect. They're a few minutes into the drive and the whole time, it's been silent. Sitting next to him, she can see how tired he really is, the darkness under his eyes growing a little bit each day. His jaw is tense, and he has a tight grip against the steering wheel. But still, he shakes his head at her question.

"All good, Hailey."

Hailey sucks in a deep breath and nods, still not believing his answer. This time, however, they are alone, and she dares to push it a little more. "You seem tired."

"I'm good, Hailey," he repeats. "It's been an insane week. You know that."

He's not harsh with her or even annoyed. What he is, though, is defensive. She can tell he's got his walls up, a mile high, and it makes sense. He has been through a lot in the last few weeks, everything with Morgan and his ex-girlfriend leaving. And if that was not enough, there's the girl who broke his heart having the audacity to ask him if he's fine over and over again.

"Right," Hailey hums. "Got it. Sorry."

If he notices her depleted mood, he doesn't say anything. He just lets out a sigh and loosens his jaw, only a little.

It's not much, but it's something.

On the third day, it's the same pattern. And on the fourth day and the fifth day and the sixth.

It's the same cycle of a tense jaw and dark eyes and thinly veiled lies of "I'm fine." By this point, she thinks the rest of the team has to see it. Or maybe she's just hyper-aware, only seeing it because she has seen him break down before, and now, she is watching his every move.

And that's half the reason she's torn. Because she has seen him fall apart before but she is part of what broke him. Her decision to keep things to herself and her withdrawing from him. Is it fair now that she comes back into his life and expects him to trust her?

Hailey's not sure what's fair anymore, especially when it comes to them.

Hailey tries to convince herself that things will be fine, that after a few days he will adjust and if he doesn't, he'll talk to Will or someone else about everything that is going on.

And she believes the lie for a solid week until she walks into the breakroom one morning and finds Jay passed out on the couch. It's early, only 7:00 am, and Hailey can't figure out if he got here early to catch up on paperwork because he could not sleep, the same as her, or if he stayed here from the night before. She glances down and notices that he is in the same clothes as yesterday and she realizes that it's the latter.

When she left the night before, she asked him how he was and got the standard "good" as her answer. She asked if he was calling it a night soon and he said "yes", and that he just wanted to finish one more stack of papers before he was calling it quits.

Either he never finished the paperwork or what he told her was a blatant lie.

And she almost feels hurt until she hears him grunting, quietly murmuring something to himself in his sleep. Quickly, his arm reaches up to grab his coat that he is using for a pillow and his face changes, a pained expression painting his features. He looks like he is going to cry, going to scream out in anguish and she knows all too well what is going on.

He's having a nightmare.

For a moment, Hailey's twenty-two again and experiencing his nightmares all over for the first time. She is frozen in fear as she watches him writhe around in his sleep, clearly experiencing his own horror in his mind. She remembers watching him the first few times, completely unsure of what to do, but at the beginning, it was not as bad, and he would normally settle himself back down.

But today does not resemble those dreams. The motions of today, it feels like the nightmares he was having at the end of their relationship. The ones that kept him from sleeping. The ones he would lie to her about.

She knows those nightmares well because they were the ones he would try so hard to hide from her. But his hiding never worked. More often than not, she woke up from the nightmares and she started to memorize the way he would quietly cry out in pain or the way his body would jerk in fear. Back then, she had no idea what to do, knowing that waking him up, while helping him at the moment, would cause another inevitable fight. So, she pretended to be asleep and let him take care of himself to keep the peace.

But it's eight years later and Hailey knows that tactic does not work, not with them, so she crouches next to the sofa, gently reaching her hand out to rub Jay's shoulder.

"Jay," she whispers. "Jay, wake up."

He continues to writhe in his sleep, and she rubs against his shoulder a little harder, calling out his name. "Jay. Jay, it's me, wake up."

Jay startles awake, instantly sitting up and reaching out to grab her hand. As soon as he realizes that it's her, he immediately snaps his hand away, scooting away from her to the far end of the couch.

"Hailey, I-"

"Jay, it's okay," she whispers, already knowing where his head is at. "You didn't touch me."

"I almost-"

"But you didn't," she assures him quietly. "You've never touched me. You wouldn't. I know you. I trust you."

"I-" he starts, but the words die on his lips. He pinches the bridge of his nose and tries to rub the tiredness out of his eyes before he shakes his head and quietly continues. "I just…I…it was just a bad dream. I stayed late and…"

"I know," she cuts him off quietly again. He tries to look away from her, but she follows his gaze, darting her head in front of where he is looking until he finally surrenders and looks at her. "I know, Jay. I know."

Slowly, Hailey stands up, his eyes following her the whole time and she reaches out her hand towards him. He looks at her curiously, and it only highlights just how tired he is. There is a look of exhaustion in his eyes and Hailey knows it's more than just not sleeping last night.

"What are you doing?" Jay whispers.

"I'm taking you back to your place so you can shower and change your clothes," she tells him, never dropping her hand. "And then we are getting coffee so you don't fall asleep during shift."

"Hailey-" he starts to argue but right now, she doesn't have the energy for any of it.

"I'm not gonna force you to talk about it right now," she tells him. "I'm not even going to ask you about it because it is seven in the morning, and we need to get ready for work. But please, Jay…just give me this."

Maybe he can see the worry in her eyes or can hear the desperation in her voice. Or maybe, he is just so damn tired that he does not even bother putting up a fight, hesitantly grabbing her hand and standing up beside her.

"Thank you," she whispers, dropping his hand almost immediately, and she nods to the door. He follows her, through the bullpen and out to the parking lot without another word, quietly hopping into the passenger seat of her car. He doesn't even look at her when she starts the engine, eyes focused on looking at something out of the window.

The first few minutes of the drive are quiet and awkward, to say the least. Hailey tries to fight the urge to glance at him to make sure he is okay. She wants to ask him what's going on, even though she already has a pretty good idea, but she knows it is not the right time to open up that can of worms.

But apparently, Jay's got some of the same thoughts running through his head because, after a solid ten minutes in silence, he lolls his head to look at her and sighs. "You want to ask, don't you?"

"Jay, I already said I wouldn't-"

"I know that," he says, voice monotone. "But you want to."

She glances at him quickly, eyebrow raised, and she seems a little surprised by his question, especially when he clearly already knows the answer. It almost feels a little unfair that he is bringing this up.

"Of course, I want to ask," Hailey sighs, trying to keep any hint of frustration out of her voice. "But I've been asking for over a week and I get the same answer every time. And I get it if you don't want to talk to me about it and that's fine but Jay…"

Her voice trails off because, honestly, she has no idea what she's even supposed to say. He wouldn't confide in her even when they were on good terms. And now? Now she has no idea what terms they are on. Some days they are fine and others? They are this.

But she's worried about him and she's filled with regrets about how things went down between them the first time. And there's still that feeling in her chest that she has gotten every time she has looked at him since she was fourteen, something that resembles care or even love, a feeling that she knows she is never going to be able to shake. Even if things are not good between them right now, she just wants him to be okay.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, catching her off guard again, and she looks over at him with questioning eyes. Hailey doesn't say anything, just waits for him to continue as silence fills the car yet again and after a moment, he sighs.

"I didn't realize how much it was affecting you too," he tells her quietly like it's a secret he's trying to keep. "I didn't want to hurt you."

"Jay-" she starts, immediately closing her mouth and shaking her head. Underneath all the tiredness on his face, she can see the pain and the guilt, and it physically hurts her right now to not be able to take it all away. "I just want you to be okay."

"I'm-" his voice cracks. Hailey can tell whatever he is trying to say is weighing heavily on him. He looks down at his lap, sucking in a low breath as he whispers, "I know it's early and we have to head to work but…"

His voice is low, and he sounds like he is actually going to allow himself to be vulnerable with her for a moment. She knows how hard this is for him, so she glances at him quickly, shooting him a supportive smile she hopes he sees from the corner of his eye.

"Do you want to come over tonight?" He asks, finally lifting his head up. "We could talk."

Hailey nods quietly, taken aback by his request. A part of her is surprised that, after everything, he would even still consider confiding in her. But a larger part of her is thankful that after all these years, he still trusts her. Because she knows that, for her, even if everything is complicated, the trust is still there.

"Yeah," Hailey whispers. "Let's just get you through today and then we'll talk. How's that sound?"

He nods wordlessly, clearly lost in his own thoughts. It's quiet for a few minutes as they finish the drive to his house. As Hailey pulls up on his street and parks, he looks at her again, the slightest sliver of a smile evident on his face.

"Thanks, Hailey. For this. For everything."

"Of course. I…" she pauses, thinking about her words before deciding it's best to just put it all out there. "I care about you. So, anything you need, I'm there."

The sliver of a smile starts to grow as he nods at her words. "I appreciate it…I'm gonna go shower quick. You can come in if you want…or there's a coffee shop down the street if you wanna grab something…"

"I'll go grab us coffee while you shower," she offers, figuring they are not quite at the point for her to spend an extended period of time alone in his apartment. "Then I'll swing back and we can head to work."

Jay nods, and he reaches into his back pocket, pulling out his wallet. Hailey watches him curiously as he opens it up and pulls out a few bills, handing her the money. "Coffee's on me."

"Jay, I-" she tries to argue, pushing the money back towards him but he gently takes her hand and places the money inside, closing her fingers around the bills.

"I know it's not much," he tells her. "Especially with how I have been closing you out these last few days. But please, let me do this."

It's almost the same request she made to him in the breakroom less than a half-hour ago. Hailey knows what this is, his offering of an olive branch, trying to show her that he does not hate her but that he's just hurting. Showing her that he really wants to let her in this time.

Hailey takes the money and nods as Jay flashes her one last smile before hopping out of the truck without another word. She sits there and watches him walk up to his apartment building, not putting the car in drive again until he disappears behind the front door.

It's not the first time Hailey has stood outside Jay's apartment. Hell, it's not even the first time today she has sat outside his door, a feeling of anxiety running rampant in her chest. But today is so different from when she showed up several weeks ago. This time, she was invited. This time, she knows he is going to be an active part of her life, no more questions of if she should take the job or just walk away.

She almost walked away that day. Almost told Voight no, that she was going to pass on his offer. It would have been the safer choice. But opportunities like this don't happen twice and Hailey knows that this is the thing that she has been working towards for years now.

And the whole Jay part? It shouldn't shock her that he's back in her life again. At this point, she's accepted there is no escaping him. Although, she is not particularly sure she wants to. Hailey is not sure what she wants with him anymore.

She knows she cares about him, though. So, she takes a deep breath as she walks down the hall to his front door and lightly knocks.

When he opens the door, it's clear he is still exhausted, a combination of the lack of sleep and the case they worked today. A part of her thought Jay might take back his request for her to come over. That he'd blame it on the exhaustion and tell her again that he's fine. But he didn't.

He does not say anything, just nods for her to come inside, stepping to the side to make room for her to enter the small apartment. It's her first time ever coming inside and Hailey looks around, taking it all in.

When they lived together, they lived in a small studio apartment that they couldn't afford to decorate. But he was always clean and liked things orderly. His apartment now is not much different, everything in its proper place. There are some shelves on one side of the room with different pictures and medals and a TV on the other side. Other than that, the couch and coffee table, the room is nearly empty.

She glances over to the kitchen and sees a few empty beer bottles, but she decides not to say anything. That's a fight for a different day.

"You wanna drink?" His voice catches her off guard, and she turns around to face him as he closes the door and walks past her, over towards the couch.

"No," Hailey hums quickly. "I'm good."

He nods and goes to lean against the back of the couch, crossing his arms and glancing down at the floor. "I'm sure you have a million questions."

"I-" she stops, figuring there is no point in denying it. He glances up at her and gives a sad little chuckle, shaking his head.

"It's almost funny, you know?" He says, sounding like he is talking to himself in a self-deprecating voice, and Hailey watches him curiously. "We broke up because I couldn't talk about all the stuff with work and now, I don't really even have a choice. You're right there beside me. You know everything that's happening."

"Jay," Hailey whispers, wishing she could get herself to take a step forward, closer to him, but her feet remain glued to the floor.

"We used to joke that the universe kept forcing us together," Jay chuckles sardonically. "Someone should tell the universe it needs to work on its timing."

Timing. It's the second time since in the fast few weeks he has brought up timing, how theirs has always been off. They never got enough of it, or they met each other at the wrong time. Always when they couldn't make things work or when one of them was not ready.

Right now is yet another prime example of that.

"Maybe the timing was right this time," Hailey whispers out, so soft she is not even sure Jay is going to be able to hear it. But by the way he looks at her, she knows that he does. Suddenly, she feels nervous, biting her lip and shifting her weight on the balls of her feet as she wills herself to continue. "We didn't talk about things when we were kids. To each other, to anyone. Maybe this is our shot to do it right."

'Hailey, I-"

"I'm not saying so we can get back together," Hailey says quickly, already anticipating his argument. "But we're partners, and partners can't keep secrets from each other. And I think we make good partners and being able to talk to each other about things is part of it."

His face changes, to what she's not sure. She can't tell if it's relief or disappointment, but she lets herself forget that detail for right now.

"Do you remember what you said in the locker room?" Hailey asks and his look of confusion returns. "Our first day being partners? You said you would figure things out. Jay, this isn't figuring it out."

He looks like he is ready to fight with her, but Hailey knows she needs to get this out before she loses all her confidence and just lets things go unsaid yet again.

"I don't care if we sit here in silence all night," she says. "Because I get that you might not want to talk to me about all of this. I don't care if you talk to me or tell me nothing. But you gotta talk to someone, Jay. Because we both know where this road leads. I don't care if it's me or if it's Will or someone else but-"

"I know," he cuts her off, and he doesn't sound defensive this time but rather tired.

She recognizes that tiredness. It's the same tiredness he had in his voice at the very end of their relationship.

"Can we sit down, please?" Hailey asks, knowing she probably sounds more desperate than she needs to, but she feels a little bit of relief when Jay slowly nods and motions to the couch. He sits on the far right side, Hailey on the far left, and it feels like there are miles in between them.

For a moment, it's silent, both waiting for the other to say something. They are at an impasse, neither of them quite sure how they move forward or even where they would go. There is still years' worth of unsaid feelings and thoughts holding them both back.

"You said this happened to you?" Jay whispers and Hailey looks at him curiously, not quite sure what he is referring to. He clocks her confusion and sighs, explaining, "The whole thing with Morgan. You said something similar happened to you."

"Yeah," Hailey breathes out. "Early on in one of my undercover ops."

"How did…" he pauses, voice growing small. "When it was you, how did you deal with it?"

"Took time," Hailey gives a small shrug. "Therapy didn't hurt either."

He looks over to the kitchen and bites his lip. She knows it's not the answer he wanted. Something in him must be wishing that she told him she threw herself into her work or drank herself stupid and honestly, she did. She did that to make the bad days go away and she did that when she was missing him more than she could explain.

But those were not the things that actually helped. They put a temporary bandage on the pain. They didn't help clean out the wound.

"I've done the mandated therapy before," Jay confesses. "I hated it."

"Me too," Hailey chuckles. Jay looks a little surprised by her comment and she can't help but crack a little, sad half-smile. "They used to make me do those when I would come back from undercover ops. The mandated sessions with the department shrink weren't exactly my favorite thing-"

"I thought you said-"

"I was in therapy before it happened," she tells him, and if he looked a little surprised before he is almost shocked now. "For like ten months. The mandated sessions were whatever, but I used the stuff from what I learned before."

"When…" he starts to ask, and she already anticipates the question before it's fully formed in his mouth. "When did you start?"

"You remember a few months after we broke up when you visited me in the hospital?" She asks him. "When I was still in the Academy?"

"When you hit your head," he hums in confirmation, giving a small nod.

"When someone else kicked me in the head," a small chuckle escapes her lips as she corrects him.

"Right," Jay laughs quietly. "What about it?"

"I remember that day because you had so much hope," Hailey tells him in a whisper. "Like you knew it was inevitable that we were going to get back together."

It's hard talking about it now that they know that's not the way the story went, and she can feel that same old feeling of her words getting caught in her throat as she looks at him, the sadness in his eyes returning.

"And I wanted to have that hope too," Hailey continues. "But I knew in order for us to actually have a shot, I needed to find closure from everything that happened with my family. I wanted to be better. So, I tried therapy and I hated it for a while. Like a really long while. But eventually, it started to help. Talking to someone was not as scary as I thought. So, every time something really bad happened at work, that's what I turned to."

He silently mulls over her words for a moment, and she wishes she could read his thoughts because right now, she can't read his face and it worries her. After a moment, he looks right at her, eyes needy, and whispers, "Did you ever find it?

"Find what?"

"Closure."

"I did," Hailey murmurs. "It took a while. I had to stop running and finally accept that I wasn't okay, and I needed help. But I dealt with it. It doesn't all control me like when I was younger."

He's quiet again, just watching her, face motionless. It makes her feel nervous, but she knows this is the conversation that they need to be having, the thing that he needs to hear, so she tries to just keep her eyes on him.

"When we were kids, I thought I had to do everything on my own. You know that better than anyone," Hailey chuckles softly and she swears she almost sees Jay crack a small smile. "So, you know that opening up to someone probably was not my favorite thing. To this day I don't really love it. But it's okay to ask for help, Jay. It's okay to not do everything on your own. I learned that the hard way…I don't want that for you."

He looks up at her, with watery eyes and it's clear he already knows what she means. Losing him was the thing that made her realize that she couldn't do everything alone. And it's ironic because ever since she has lost him, she has almost always been alone.

"I think I learned that the hard way too," he whispers quietly. "I lost the best thing in my life because I thought I had to do it all on my own."

"We both made a lot of mistakes, Jay," she says. "And we can't change any of that. But…but that doesn't mean we have to do it the same way now."

Silently, he looks up at her and she can see a million different emotions behind his eyes. Fear, regret, guilt, too many more to even name. There's a part of her that's ready for him to say no, that he'll figure this out and that he doesn't need help. She tries to prepare herself for that, knowing it is going to hurt, especially when she has dared to let herself believe that this time, things could be different.

Dared to let herself believe that this time, they can be different.

"Okay," he whispers at last, and she has to look at him to make sure she actually heard him and is not imagining things.

"I'll try it," he continues. "I probably should have done it countless times before…hell knows I needed it even if I wasn't ready."

He wasn't ready when they were young, but honestly, neither of them was. It's what tore them apart in the first place but maybe if he is sitting in front of her now, finally ready to take that next step, maybe it was all worth it.

"I don't even know if I am ready now," Jay says in a breathless whisper. "I just know I need to do something. I can't….I can't go through it all again. I can't lose..."

Hailey can practically hear the words he lets go unspoken. He can't lose himself again. And maybe, if she lets herself read between the lines, he is trying to tell her that he can't lose her again either.

She knows for her, that is true. Even if she has no idea what the status of their relationship is right now, Hailey knows she cares about him more than she can explain and that she is not ready to lose him again.

"I'm here for you," she whispers. "Every step of the way. Whatever you need."

Tentatively, Hailey scoots towards Jay on the couch and reaches out her hand to rest on his knee. She holds her breath, not letting it out until she sees that he does not recoil at her touch, instead placing his own hand on top of hers.

Jay nods, staring down at their fingers for a moment before looking up at her, asking in a small voice, "Maybe...maybe when I'm doing better...we can talk about us?"

It's such a strange request, because just a few days ago when they sat in the locker room and he lied through his teeth and told her he would be okay, she did not even dare make the request he is making now.

"Not like getting back together," Jay rushes in nervously when she does not respond. "Just...I think it would help me to deal with some of the stuff we've gone through."

"Yeah," Hailey murmurs. "I think it might be good for both of us."

"Because we're partners?"

"Because I care about you," Hailey tells him softly.

"Thanks, Hailey," he says in a low voice. "I know after everything you could so easily just blow me off and-"

"Hey," Hailey cuts him off. "I don't care about all that. Not right now. I just want to make sure you're okay."

For the first time since she walked back into his life, he looks at her like he is not scared, like he has some hope.

'I appreciate that, Hailey," he whispers with a small smile. "You said we could try the whole friend thing...I don't know what exactly that looks like but…"

"But we'll figure it out," she finishes his thought gently.

He nods, small but sure, squeezing her fingers one last time before removing his hand from hers.

"I should probably get going," Hailey whispers tentatively, not wanting to overstay her welcome when they are already on such rocky ground. "You sure you're okay?"

"No. But I will be."

It's the first time he's answered that question honestly in the whole time she has known him and it's the first sign that he's serious about doing this right.

"Call me if you need anything, okay?" Hailey says as she stands up from the couch and walks over towards the door.

Jay nods, following in her footsteps. He opens the door for her and then leans one hand against the door frame. "Thanks again, Hailey. It means a lot."

"Anytime."

What she means is anything for you but it feels a little soon to be saying something so serious. But, by the look in his eyes, he gets it, just like he always has.

"I'll see you tomorrow?" Jay offers and Hailey nods, whispering a soft goodbye as she slips out of his apartment and sets off on the trek back to her car.

As she steps out into the cold Chicago air, Hailey thinks about how she has walked away from him a lot. When she was fourteen and she had no say and when she was twenty-two and felt like she had no options.

But she's older now and a little wiser and she thinks maybe this time it will be different. Maybe this time they will be good for each other.