Thanks for reading!
ooo
In an unexpected silver lining, Kaoru had the half pipe all to himself. Everyone was preoccupied with the excitement of the tournament.
Away from it all, he felt calmer, more himself. He could push all the bad emotions down where he didn't feel them so strongly.
"Carla, calculate my entry angle for the next jump," Kaoru said, racing down the crescent of the halfpipe and preparing to jump off the other side. He wished he could go so fast that he left all of his mixed feelings behind him. "Lien air revert."
"Adjust course by three degrees," Carla said, her soothing voice washing over him. He made the adjustment and completed the rotation flawlessly.
"Thank you, Carla," Kaoru said, skidding to a stop as he stopped to breathe. Since no one was around, he tugged down his mask, enjoying the cool breeze that washed over his nose and lips.
"Cherry," a voice called out, and Kaoru nearly tugged up his mask again, until he saw that it was Shadow.
"Oh, it's you," Kaoru said, nodding in greeting. "You're not going to watch the matches?"
"I'll go back for the final," Shadow said. "I told Joe and the kids I'd check on you."
"No need," Kaoru told him. "I'm fine."
"The kids told me what happened," Shadow said, looking doubtful at Kaoru's response. "And, well, I saw you and Joe…"
"I don't want to talk about it," Kaoru said, keeping his voice level even though internally he felt his earlier emotions surge back to the surface.
"Joe seemed pretty upset," Shadow continued, and Kaoru just wanted him to stop. Couldn't he just have a moment of peace? "I think you might've hurt his feelings."
"I didn't even say anything," Kaoru said, some of his frustration leaking into his voice. His earlier sense of calm vanished so rapidly it might as well have never happened. "If anyone should be upset, it should be me!"
"That's why I came to check on you," Shadow said dryly. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"There's nothing to talk about," Kaoru said stubbornly. "Anyway, I'm not upset. I just said that if anyone should be upset, it should be me."
Not that he was upset. He was fine. There was no kiss, no devastating conversation, no forceful suppression of everything he was feeling right now. Everything was fine.
"You can both be upset," Shadow pointed out. "It's not one or the other. Do you not like Joe that way?"
"I'm not having this conversation," Kaoru told him. "I am never having this conversation."
"I know it's not my business," Shadow said. "But if you did want to talk about it, afterwards we can pretend it never happened."
"That's what I want to do," Kaoru muttered. "Pretend it never happened."
"That doesn't sound healthy."
"It's worked so far."
They both stared at each other. Shadow looked uncomfortable, out of his element. Well, too bad. So was Kaoru.
Kaoru scowled. Shadow's intentions weren't bad, but honestly, Kaoru had no idea how to have this conversation even if he wanted to. He'd never spoken of it before, and he'd never intended to.
"Look," Kaoru said, voice strained but not impolite. "I appreciate your concern, but some things are better left unspoken. It's kinder that way."
"Kinder?" Shadow asked, confused, before something seemed to click. "Wait, when you say 'unspoken' – you mean you know Joe has feelings for you? You think it's kinder to pretend not to see them?" he said incredulously.
"Joe's feelings for me?" Kaoru said in disbelief. "What are you on? I was talking about my feelings for him-"
They both stared at each other for a moment in blank shock. Kaoru felt the blood drain from his face.
"I never said that," Kaoru quickly said, anxiety ramping up to max. He'd never said it out loud before. It always felt like if he never said anything aloud, it wasn't real. It felt like something was broken, like his world was going to shatter. "You tricked me! I never meant to- I never meant to-"
Suddenly it seemed hard to fill his lungs; he felt like he couldn't breathe in any new air. He heard his breathing get louder, but it didn't feel like he was breathing. His vision started to blur around the edges, taking on a dreamy feel.
"Oh no," Shadow said, looking at him with concern.
Kaoru squeezed his eyes shut. It didn't help. His breath continued to quicken, turning into gasps.
"Car-la," he choked out, the vocalization barely audible over his wheezing. "Play- hah- play Take- Takeda- hah- no- Ko- Ko- Ko—"
"Carla, play 'Takeda no Komoriuta,'" Shadow quickly said, realizing what Kaoru was trying to say. "It's okay, Cherry. Here, sit down. Can I grab your arm?"
Kaoru nodded his head, still breathing too loud, gasping.
"Okay," Shadow said, taking Kaoru's arm and leading him gently to sit on the curb. "It's okay. My sister gets these too, sometimes. Put your head between your knees. There you go. My sister says counting helps. Okay? I'm going to start counting, try and focus on that. Ichi, ni, san…"
Ichi, ni, san… Kaoru obediently repeated in his head. Shit, this hadn't happened in years. How embarrassing. Shadow didn't even know him very well. Kaoru wasn't even sure of Shadow's real name! He thought Shadow might've told him at the hospital, but Kaoru hadn't bothered to remember. At least Kojiro already knew about his little panics; Kaoru hated it when someone new had to see him like this. Someone new would change their perception of him, see him as vulnerable— Kaoru wished he was alone.
Carla's soft voice sang the lullaby sweetly. Maybe he'd been wrong to ask for this song. Kojiro always used to sing this song too. To calm down, he needed to not think about Kojiro—
Ichi, ni, san…
He needed to stop thinking about Kojiro, but he couldn't help it.
ooo
Back when they were in high school, Kaoru had learned to control his tears for the most part. He hadn't cried much anymore, but unfortunately, after pushing down all his negative emotions, they'd bubble up at the worst possible times.
The first time Kojiro saw him have an anxiety attack, they'd been fourteen. Kaoru couldn't even remember if something had set off the attack, but he did remember that Kojiro completely panicked.
"Kaoru? Kaoru," Kojiro said desperately, voice cracking with concern. "Kaoru, what's wrong?"
"I- I-" Kaoru had tried. Kaoru had run away from the skate park when he'd felt his breaths start to come short, but he didn't get far since he wasn't very fast when he couldn't breathe properly. Kojiro had caught up easily.
His breaths came in gasps and his chest felt tight, and he clutched at his heart. He braced himself against the wall of the ally he'd darted into. Kojiro was flailing, hands fluttering over Kaoru, wanting to touch but unsure if he should.
"Oh, god, is it a heart attack?" Kojiro said in alarm; it was getting to the point where it was unclear who was more panicked, Kojiro or Kaoru. "Aren't we too young for heart attacks?" he asked hysterically. "Oh, no, what do I do? 1-1-9, I'm calling 1-1-9…"
Kaoru had lunged at Kojiro, still gasping, but he managed to knock the phone out of Kojiro's hands.
"D- Don't," he managed.
"Kaoru, what's going on?" Kojiro said, voice going shrill. It was probably the highest pitch Kaoru had ever heard out of him. "You need an ambulance!"
Kaoru just shook his head, trying to focus on calming his breathing. It wasn't working; Kojiro wasn't helping, feeding into his anxiety with his own.
Kaoru clutched at Kojiro's arm so he couldn't dive for the phone. "Don't," he gasped.
"Kaoru," Kojiro wailed, and he had actual tears in his eyes. For a moment, Kaoru was stunned; he'd only seen Kojiro cry a handful of times in their lives.
Kaoru reached out a trembling hand, placing it over Kojiro's mouth to silence him.
"Stop," he wheezed. "Just… wait."
And after a long minute, his breathing did calm down. Kaoru's breaths settled down, and he sighed in relief that this attack was a short one. Kojiro kept making aborted movements towards his dropped phone; Kaoru didn't think he could hold him back much longer.
"Not a heart attack," Kaoru mumbled, wiping at the tears condensed at the corner of his eyes. Now that air could settle back into his lungs, shame started to settle in with it.
"Kaoru, you need a doctor," Kojiro said, clutching at Kaoru's hands. As they'd gotten older, they'd stopped hugging and touching so much. Kaoru was struck for a moment how much longer Kojiro's fingers had gotten.
"I'm fine," Kaoru said defensively. "It was just… stress."
"How is that stress? You were clutching your chest and you couldn't breathe!" Kojiro cried, overwrought.
"It's… It's just a panic attack," Kaoru said reluctantly, not wanting to explain. It sounded so pathetic when he said it out loud. Still, he didn't want to go to the doctor and he didn't want his mother finding out he'd had another one. "I don't need medical attention unless it's a particularly prolonged one."
"Panic attack?" Kojiro said faintly. "Wait, this happened before?"
"Just…" Kaoru avoided meeting his eyes. "Just google it, dumbass."
Kojiro finally picked up his dropped phone, watching Kaoru warily the whole time, as if worried Kaoru would suddenly collapse. Kaoru felt his face steadily turn redder in humiliation.
Finally, Kojiro tore his eyes away from Kaoru and looked at his phone. They both ended up sitting shoulder-to-shoulder against the wall, legs stretched out on the pavement in front of them. The cement was dirty and had trash scattered about, but Kaoru couldn't bring himself to care. They sat in strained silence as Kojiro tapped and scrolled on his phone. Kaoru stared blankly ahead of him. He wondered if this would be the moment Kojiro finally left him.
After a few minutes, Kojiro swiped the apps closed, and pocketed his phone. He tentatively reached out to touch Kaoru's shoulder. Kaoru flinched, and Kojiro flinched back in response.
"Sorry," Kojiro said glumly. "I'll read more later, but I wanted to talk to you. I reacted all wrong, didn't I? The internet says I was supposed to stay calm."
"It doesn't matter," Kaoru muttered, bringing his knees up to his chest and hugging them. "Can we just pretend this never happened?"
"We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," Kojiro said, before hurriedly adding, "Or we can if you do. But you said it happened before, right? If it happens again, I just want to make sure I don't mess up again."
"It doesn't matter," Kaoru mumbled, hiding his face behind his elbows and knees.
"It does matter! Can I hold your hand or something, if it happens?" Kojiro asked anxiously. "The internet says I'm supposed to ask before I touch you."
"Whatever," Kaoru said. "You don't need to do anything if it happens again. I'll deal with it."
"I just want to help-"
"You don't have to," Kaoru burst out, hands clenching into fists. "Stop being so nice! I know I'm pathetic, but I don't need you to treat me like- like- like you pity me! I can handle it!"
"It's not pity!"
"It is so! It's just like when you used to take care of me when I cried, but we're not little kids anymore! I should be able to handle this on my own," Kaoru said angrily, and to his horror, tears started to pool at the corner of his eyes. He was still emotionally worn thin.
"I took care of you because we're friends," Kojiro said, frustrated. "Just like you used to chase the bullies away when they made fun of me for being scrawny. I know we're not little kids anymore, and I know we argue a lot, but aren't we still friends?"
Kaoru felt the water start to leak out of his eyes, and he buried his head back in his knees.
"Kaoru?" Kojiro asked anxiously.
"You'd be better off without me," Kaoru said, voice cracking. "You'd be better off with someone who wasn't pathetic like me. You don't need me to chase the bullies off anymore."
"You're not pathetic," Kojiro said indignantly. "I know we argue and tease a lot, but have I ever teased you about crying? I won't tease you about this, either. I know what's off limits with you, just like you know what's off limits with me. And we can still skate and fight like always. But if this happens again, it just means we have a truce, right?"
Kaoru sniffled. "A truce?"
"Yeah, a truce. Remember when you got mad at me for breaking your Gameboy, like, two years ago?" Kojiro asked, and Kaoru nodded. "We were in the middle of a fight and you wouldn't talk to me for days. But then my grandma died, and you came over to my house. You said you were still mad, but we were going to have a truce, because my grandma was more important than your Gameboy. And when I cried, you didn't tease me either. When I didn't want to get out of bed, you tried to make me dinner, and it was so awful, you spat out your own cooking. I laughed, and it was the first time after she died that I felt like I'd be okay."
"My grandma didn't die, though," Kaoru mumbled, feeling a bit embarrassed at the memory. "I don't have a good reason to… to be like this."
"It was just an example," Kojiro said earnestly. "You don't need a reason. You just need to trust me."
And Kaoru looked at him. They must have made a sight, sitting in disarray in an old ally, skateboards lying forgotten several feet away. Both their eyes were red around the edges, and Kaoru's hair must have looked a horror.
Kaoru might have later gotten a crush on Adam, but if he was honest with himself—and truthfully, he'd prefer never to be—this was the moment he fell in love with Kojiro. He just hadn't realized it at the time.
Kaoru looked at him then, stupid and grateful, and said, "…Okay."
ooo
Ichi, ni san. Ichi, ni, san.
Shadow counted, and patted Kaoru's back while Kaoru's breathing steadied out. Kaoru would never have imagined himself in this situation in a million years. Even now, he still had trouble believing it. Shadow had always come across as crass and rude, and they'd never spent any time together at all until the hospital. Yet here Kaoru was, completely at his mercy. And Shadow had known exactly what to do.
This didn't stop Kaoru from feeling embarrassed.
"Sorry," Kaoru muttered, lifting his head from between his knees. He felt drained, as he always had after a fit. He'd forgotten how weary they made him; it'd been at least two years since he'd last experienced one. Shadow gave him two last firm pats on the back, and then withdrew his hand.
"It's not a big deal," Shadow said. "My sister gets 'em too. Yours was pretty quick, honestly. Has it happened to you before?"
"Yeah," Kaoru answered with a sigh. Anxiously, he started to fix his ponytail, feeling frazzled. He wished he had a mirror to make sure he looked put together before he returned. His hair was always a mess after an attack; he always mussed his hair without realizing it.
"...Did the, uh, Joe stuff set it off?" Shadow asked tentatively. "I won't tell him if you don't want me to, but I think you should tell him… I won't tell anyone about your panic attack, either. Except maybe my sister, if it's okay with you."
Kaoru felt a mixture of embarrassed and grateful. If only he'd managed to hold it in a few more hours, he wouldn't have been in this situation. He could have had a panic at his apartment with no one the wiser. Shadow had his reputation in his hands, but… he seemed reliable. Kaoru supposed despite the rude S personality, Shadow had always taken good care of the kids.
At least he hadn't had the fit back in the audience. He'd made the right call, coming to the half pipe.
Well, it wasn't like he could lose any more dignity with Shadow than he already had. And Shadow was officially the only one to know the truth, intentional or not. Kaoru felt like he owed him some sort of explanation.
"That thing I said earlier… I'd never said it out loud before," Kaoru muttered, hugging his knees to his chest. "Kojiro knows how I feel, but we never talk about it. I never wanted to talk about it. But then he did… that, and entered this ridiculous tournament, and everything just got so out of hand…"
"Joe knows you love him?" Shadow exclaimed, shocked.
"Shhh!" Kaoru burst out, glancing around wildly to make sure they were still alone. "Don't be so loud! And don't say it!"
"Joe knows?" Shadow obediently lowered his voice to an incredulous whisper, but wouldn't let it go.
"Obviously!" Kaoru hissed back. "He always knew any time I had a crush on someone, and I've liked him for years. He just pretends not to know because it'd be awkward, because he likes women!"
"Um," Shadow said slowly, as if measuring his words. "Have you ever spoken about it? I'm pretty sure he doesn't know."
"Don't be absurd," Kaoru scoffed. "I think I would know better than you. And I'm never having that conversation with him. I'd like to maintain what little dignity I have left."
"I don't think I'm the absurd one here," Shadow said in an undertone.
"Ugh," Kaoru said. He fished around for a distraction. He didn't want to talk about this anymore. "Just forget it. You said you had a sister? How old is she?"
Shadow gave him a look, like he knew what he was doing, but went along with it. "She's thirteen… around Miya's age, actually. Sometimes I wonder if I should introduce them… Miya, that kid, he could use some friends his own age."
Kaoru snorted. "Do you think they'd get along? Miya can be prickly."
"My sister's tough," Shadow said proudly. "She could handle him. They could talk about that new anime that all the kids like, Demon Slayer. Miya kept talking about it so I told her to watch it, and now she keeps stealing Mom's credit card to buy figurines."
"Hmm," Kaoru said, feeling his mood soften a bit. "Maybe you can bring her along to Kojiro's restaurant next time so they can meet."
"She likes pastas," Shadow hummed thoughtfully. "Maybe I should."
"She should try carbonara," Kaoru suggested. "It's my favorite."
"Cherry! Shadow!" a loud voice called from afar, and Kaoru and Shadow both looked up to see Reki sprinting towards them. When he reached them, he bent over, clutching his knees as he caught his breath.
"Yes?" Kaoru prompted.
"Hahh," Reki panted. "Joe, hahh, give me a moment." Reki gulped in another breath. "The final is about to start. Joe won all his races. Are you still going to watch?"
Kaoru hesitated for a moment, but in the end stood up, brushing the dirt off his costume from where he'd been sitting. "I suppose. He'll be insufferable if I skip."
"Oh, good," Reki said in relief. "Joe seemed pretty down when he thought you weren't coming."
"He'd get over it," Kaoru muttered.
"Would he, though?" Shadow said to himself, quietly enough that Kaoru could pretend not to hear.
"Let's get on with it, then," Kaoru said loudly, striding off in the direction of the race without waiting. Reki and Shadow both jogged to catch up to him, and they walked back together to the sound of Reki and Shadow bickering and chattering.
ooo
They ended up arriving just after the race started, so they didn't get to see Kojiro off. Shadow suggested they ride his car down to greet Kojiro at the finish line, so the kids piled into the back seat and Kaoru in the passenger side. Reki was in the middle while Miya complained that he didn't have enough room, shoving Reki towards the other side. Reki argued back, but didn't fight Miya's shoves at all, probably because they pushed him into Langa's space. Kaoru could see Langa's faint blush in the rearview mirror.
"Settle down back there," Kaoru scolded, and the children obediently quieted down. Reki was practically in Langa's lap while Miya had half the back seat to himself, sprawled out like a king. No one seemed unhappy about this arrangement, so Kaoru just hummed and minded his own business.
When they reached the bottom, the race was close. One girl was particularly good, hot on Kojiro's heels. Kaoru recognized her from previous tournaments; she was a regular and older than most of the other participants. Kojiro strategically and frequently cut her off at the turns, and she was steaming with frustration. There was another man further behind, the third participant of the final, struggling to keep up with the other two on the long stretches. Reki commented he'd trailed behind in his other races, too, but managed to make up the difference in the factory to pass the qualifiers. Kaoru was told both their names, and Kaoru promptly forgot each.
Kaoru could tell Kojiro was skating seriously, but also cautiously. In close races, skaters often made reckless decisions to gain ground and a few precious seconds. Kojiro, in particular, appreciated the excitement of foolhardy maneuvers and last-minute turnarounds. Still, that kind of recklessness meant there was a higher risk of wiping out as well, which could completely cost someone a race. Kojiro seemed to have decided not to risk it this time as he had pulled ahead.
In the factory, though, the man who'd been trailing behind dove headlong into the obstacles with nothing to lose. Kaoru's eyes widened as he made a particularly dangerous jump, pulling ahead. The man wobbled, but stayed on his board, holding the lead. The woman also started riding more recklessly, and Kojiro was forced to take some risks.
Kaoru unwittingly sucked in a harsh breath when Kojiro made a particularly insane jump; if he fell, he'd most certainly die from the height or jagged edges below. Kaoru's hands trembled a bit, so he crossed his arms to hide his nerves. He'd seen Kojiro skate recklessly hundreds of times, but as they got older, somehow it got harder to watch, not easier.
It was a close race, but Kojiro won with a flare. The audience was going wild with cheers; Kaoru let out a sigh of relief as Kojiro crossed the finish line all in one piece. As soon as he did, Kojiro started scanning the crowd, waving off a few girls who'd come up to congratulate him. When he spotted Kaoru, his eyes lit up. Kaoru shifted his weight self-consciously.
"Cherry," Kojiro called, hopping back on his skateboard and rolling over to where Kaoru was standing with Shadow and the kids. "You came!"
"I said I would," Kaoru said, carefully keeping any emotion out of his voice.
"Joe, that was really cool!" Reki gushed, hopping up and down in his excitement. "Can you teach me how to do that trick you did on that last rail? You were all like whoosh, and your skateboard was like whoosh-"
"Me too," Miya interjected. "If you teach Reki, you have to teach me, too!"
"Can I learn too?" Langa added hopefully, and Kojiro patted him on the head. With some more cajoling, Kojiro started dispersing tips and advice to the kid's excitement, but Kojiro's eyes kept flickering over to Kaoru, who stayed quiet.
The crowd started to disperse, friends of Kojiro calling out congratulations, some patting him on the back before they headed out. There were some disappointed faces amongst some of the competitors, but overall, most seemed to be in high spirits. Kaoru thought that the tournament didn't so much turn out to be about winning a date, but more just an excuse for a bunch of competitive skaters to duke it out. Kaoru was glad the whole business was done.
Well, almost.
"Kaoru?" Kojiro said uncertainly. "Are you mad? You're quiet…"
"I'm not mad," Kaoru said coolly, ignoring the way Shadow widened his eyes at him significantly from the corner of his vision.
"It kind of sounds like you're mad," Kojiro said.
"It kind of sounds like you're an idiot," Kaoru responded.
"Kaoru," Kojiro complained.
"Kojiro," Kaoru imitated his tone.
They glared at each other a long moment, scowling.
And then… Kaoru got an idea in his head. A stupid, stupid idea. But it would convince Kojiro he wasn't mad, and Kaoru had the perfect excuse. After so many years of pining, could Kaoru do this, just one time? Kojiro had done it first, after all…
Kaoru tugged down his mask, grabbed Kojiro's collar, and pulled him down for a kiss.
Kojiro made a sound of shock, but didn't pull away, freezing up much like Kaoru probably had earlier. Kaoru didn't deepen the kiss, really making it just a press of lips. Even so, it sort of made Kaoru want to cry.
Kaoru didn't prolong it and let Kojiro go quickly. Kojiro looked completely stunned, and he'd turned so red it reached down to his neck.
"There's kids here," Miya could be heard complaining quietly, quickly hushed by Shadow.
"I'm not mad," Kaoru said, struggling to maintain his best poker face. He tugged back up his mask and looked away. "It was just a kiss, see? So let's forget about it. Now we're even."
"That- you- that-" Kojiro stammered, completely stunned, still red. Cute, Kaoru sighed internally, and didn't push the thought down like he normally did. He let the thought come and pass, resigned. Between the tournament, Kojiro's kiss, the panic attack, and the conversation with Shadow… Kaoru felt raw, tired, and sad.
"I'm going to head home," Kaoru announced, deciding he'd had enough for the night. He'd fulfilled his obligations and was decidedly exhausted. He patted Miya on the head, gave Shadow and the teens a nod, and stepped on Carla. Pushing off, he started coasting towards the exit.
"Kaoru, wait," Kojiro called before he could get far. Kaoru dragged his foot, pausing to look back at him in question. "That- That is-"
"What?"
"Did- did you want to go on that date?" Kojiro asked anxiously. "From the tournament…"
"Didn't you join so that I wouldn't have to?" Kaoru asked, confused. Was Kojiro looking for a thank you? "You won. I appreciate it."
"No, I meant," Kojiro hesitated, seeming to deflate a little. "With me."
"Oh," Kaoru said, still confused. "If anyone asks, we can always just tell them that we did. There's no need to force yourself. The kids already know you only did it as a favor, so there's no one here to keep up the pretense for."
"Oh," Kojiro said weakly. Behind Kojiro's back, Shadow was making an 'X' with his arms, shaking his head at Kaoru violently. Miya had his face in his hands again, while Langa and Reki looked dismayed. "I just… wanted to make sure."
"Goodnight, Kojiro," Kaoru said tiredly. Kojiro looked away, not meeting his eyes, but gave a nod. Kaoru kicked off again, and desperately tried not to think of anything the whole ride home.
ooo
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