Chapter 4

Kojiro's parents had divorced when he was just two years old. They'd been a bit of a distant presence in Kojiro's life, involved enough that they weren't hated but busy enough for him to be lonely. Until she died when Kojiro was around thirteen, Kojiro's grandmother had been his primary caregiver, and Kaoru and Kojiro adored her.

For the New Year's just before she died, along with the Otoshidama she always gave both of them, she'd gifted them their very first skateboards. When they were little, they used to go on walks with her to the skatepark near Kojiro's house. They'd hang out near the track and watch the older kids do their tricks. Kaoru and Kojiro had always been excited by the jumps, pretending to do the same tricks in Obaa-san's backyard.

Of course, she'd also given them helmets and kneepads. "You have to wear them when you ride," she told them sternly. "They'll take care of you, just like you take care of each other."

Back when she'd been alive, they'd always worn their helmets and kneepads or else risk the scolding of a lifetime. Even when she'd started getting sick towards the end, she'd ask Kojiro and Kaoru to take her along with them to the park to get some fresh air. They'd push her along in her wheelchair, and she'd laugh delightedly when they pretended to make her wheelchair do mannys and ollies. She'd ask them to perform the actual tricks on their boards, and they took turns showing off while she cheered them on. She used to think their bickering was hilarious. She and Kaoru used to gang up on Kojiro together, teasing him relentlessly.

Kaoru and Kojiro had both cried hard at her funeral—it was one of the few times Kaoru had seen Kojiro cry. They'd been too old for it, but they'd clutched at each other's hands the whole time. Even though Kaoru was sad too, he remembered he'd forced himself not to cry too much in front of Kojiro outside the funeral. It wasn't his place. It was his job to take care of Kojiro, now.

Obaa-san had been an amazing cook and had taught Kojiro many of her skills. Kaoru had never held much of an interest himself, but he regretted never learning the basics from her after she died. Kojiro's father lived in another prefecture; he'd come back briefly for the funeral to help, but ultimately Obaa-san had been Kojiro's maternal grandmother, so his father hadn't stuck around long. Kojiro's mother had a job where she worked weekends and often evenings as well. She'd leave Kojiro money to buy lunch and often cooked enough for leftovers, but at that age, she'd known Kojiro could cook and often left him to his own means.

Unfortunately, although Kojiro could cook, after Obaa-san died, he wouldn't.

"You need to eat, idiot," Kaoru would tell him when Kojiro came to school without a lunch. Kaoru would make him take a few bites from Kaoru's lunch, but Kojiro always muttered that he wasn't hungry. Kaoru's boxed lunches weren't on the same level as Obaa-san's, and this was the only period in Kaoru's life where he felt keenly his inability to cook.

After school, Kaoru would go over to Kojiro's house so Kojiro wouldn't be alone. Kojiro would curl up on the couch or bed for hours. Kaoru would play movies and anime to try and distract him, but sometimes Kojiro just wanted to sit in silence. For a few weeks, he had to be coaxed to do his homework and eat. Kojiro refused to go to Kaoru's house during this time, not wanting to leave his grandmother's old house and the memories behind, so Kaoru's mom often sent along leftovers and told Kaoru to stay with Kojiro as long as he needed.

"Please cook, Kojiro?" Kaoru would ask him, trying to tug him off the couch. Kojiro's eyes would tear up and he'd hide his face in a pillow. Kaoru stopped asking, suspecting that cooking reminded Kojiro too much of his grandmother. Kojiro seemed stuck in a place where he couldn't bear to forget but also couldn't bear to remember.

Kaoru went hunting through the kitchen looking for recipes, but unfortunately, Obaa-san had made most of her dishes from memory. Kojiro knew many of them, but that didn't help if Kojiro refused to cook.

Kaoru had hung out in the kitchen sometimes while they prepared meals but he'd never paid much attention. He strained his memory trying to remember even one of the recipes. Carbonara hadn't seemed so hard; Kaoru thought he might at least be able to get it close. He looked up several recipes online for reference. He was tempted to cheat and use store-bought noodles, but Obaa-san had always made everything from scratch, so he resisted the urge.

...He'd ended up setting off the fire alarm, the noodles stuck to the pan, and the flavor could almost be classified as toxic. The commotion had disturbed Kojiro, who had shuffled reluctantly off the couch right in time to catch Kaoru trying to taste the gooey noodles to see if they were salvageable.

Kaoru had promptly spat out the attempt, running to the sink to rinse out the aftertaste, gagging.

It was worth it, though, because for the first time in three weeks, Kojiro laughed. Kojiro had looked surprised at himself at first, abruptly stopping, but then he'd looked at Kaoru's face again and started laughing all over again.

"This is vile," Kojiro said, walking over and delightedly poking at the pot.

"Shut up," Kaoru had said half-heartedly, drying his mouth with the kitchen towel. He waved a towel at the open window to let out the smoke, finally airing out the kitchen enough that the fire alarm stopped blaring.

"What were you trying to make?" Kojiro asked, turning off the stove before going back to poking the concoction, sounding pleased. "It's disgusting!"

"...Carbonara," Kaoru admitted reluctantly, sighing.

"That's not even that hard," Kojiro said, laughing again.

"I was trying to do it from scratch," Kaoru huffed.

"You… were you trying to make it like Obaa-san?" Kojiro asked tentatively, laughter finally quieting.

"Yeah," Kaoru muttered. "You weren't eating. I thought…"

Kaoru felt too embarrassed to finish his sentence. He'd been too arrogant to think he could match Obaa-san's cooking in a hundred years, much less on his first attempt. Kojiro looked at him with a conflicted expression, seeming to debate with himself. He stared down at the pot, before taking a deep breath and coming to a decision.

"You started the noodles too soon," Kojiro told him. "I'll… I'll show you how to do it. Here, clean this pot and I'll get the ingredients ready."

And Kaoru hadn't liked to cook, but that night, he'd thought it wasn't so bad after all. Kojiro had patiently taught him, and Kaoru had watched him do the more difficult tasks, slicing and dicing with a steady hand, managing a speed and evenness that Kaoru could never hope to match.

That night, Kojiro had laughed for the first time in three weeks, and he'd cooked for the first time in weeks too. The carbonara had tasted just like Obaa-san's, and both of them pretended not to notice the other subtly blowing their nose in their napkins when they took their first bites. But Kojiro had given him a watery smile over the table after, and when Kojiro's mom had come home late, she'd taken a bite and started crying too. She'd hugged them both and told them they were both good boys, and then she'd smiled too.

ooo

Kaoru went to the restaurant as usual that Monday, although each step felt heavy. He was tempted to skip this week, but he also didn't want to admit that anything was out of the ordinary. He stood outside the door a moment, breathing in deeply and making sure to keep his expression even. Swallowing hard, he opened the door to its familiar jingle.

Kojiro glanced up as he entered, but his eyes quickly darted away, focusing on wiping the tables down. His shoulders hunched and his lips tightened.

"What's wrong with you?" Kaoru asked, a bit confused. For a moment, he wondered it Kojiro was upset that Kaoru kissed him, but that was hardly fair. Kojiro had started it.

"Are you serious?" Kojiro asked, looking at him incredulously.

"Is this about the… you know?" Kaoru couldn't say it.

"The kiss, you mean?" Kojiro asked acidly.

"You started it!" Kaoru exclaimed.

"Yeah, but- You-" Kojiro didn't seem to know how to respond to that one.

"Why are you making a big deal out of this?" Kaoru asked crossly. "It's wasn't even a particularly passionate kiss." There hadn't even been tongue, or any wandering hands! Kaoru had seen Kojiro entangled with women in much more scandalous situations.

"Are you seriously playing dumb?" Kojiro demanded, face drained of color. "I got rejected!"

Kaoru blinked, taken aback before the pieces clicked. He ignored the small pang at the knowledge that Kojiro was dating someone he liked enough to fight about.

"I didn't realize you were interested in someone right now," Kaoru said honestly. "Did she see me kiss you and reject you?" It would explain why Kojiro was mad, at least.

"You-" Kojiro started and stopped, a flicker of uncertainty entering his eyes. "Kaoru, if you're playing dumb, it's not funny. I'm serious."

"Why would I play dumb?" Kaoru asked irritably. He'd never seen Kojiro this angry over one of his flings before and it stung. "Do I know her or something? You never mentioned anyone."

Kojiro stared at him; Kaoru stared back. He wished he hadn't come tonight.

"Look, clearly you don't want me here," Kaoru said peevishly, turning on his heel for the door. "I'll see you at S." S wasn't for another two weeks; surely that'd be plenty of time for Kojiro to cool off and for Kaoru to suppress his jealousy.

"Wait, Kaoru," Kojiro called after him, but Kaoru had brought Carla. Letting the door slam behind him, he took off as fast as he could, heading for home.

ooo

They didn't talk about it. A week later, Miya sent a group text telling everyone that he was inviting himself over to Joe's restaurant, and after Joe finished his shift, it was time for him to teach them the trick they'd admired from the tournament. He said everyone else's skating was so hopeless, they better be there to learn a thing or two. He added an asterisk to say *except Cherry, but Cherry better show up because he explained things better than Joe.

He hesitated, not sure he'd be welcome, but Kojiro generally didn't hold onto his anger long. He'd probably cooled off already; maybe he'd even worked out the misunderstanding with his girl already. Kaoru thought the kids might be a good buffer to ease everything back to normal. Besides, it sounded a bit fun.

Miya had said 6:00, so Kaoru showed up at 6:15 to make sure everyone had arrived for maximum buffer. Despite this, when he arrived, the only one there was Shadow, who'd brought along a young girl.

"The kids are running late," Kojiro greeted him, and Kaoru felt relieved that he didn't sound angry anymore. "Reki messaged me. They'll probably be here closer to 6:30."

"Oh," Kaoru said, unsure what to say. Feeling awkward, he turned his focus to Shadow and the girl he'd brought, who looked around Miya's age. "Is this your sister?" he asked.

"Yeah, this is Himari," Shadow introduced.

"Nice to meet you, Himari-san," Kaoru said politely, bowing his head slightly. The girl flushed, fidgeting in her seat. "My name is Sakurayashiki Kaoru."

"Nice to meet you, Sakurayashiki-san," Himari said, before boldly continuing, "You're really pretty!"

"Ah," Kaoru blinked down at her while Shadow hissed at her to have some shame. Kojiro sighed from behind the counter, stirring a cup of tea. "Thank you."

"Onii-chan says you get fits like mine," she continued, and Kaoru choked on the tea Kojiro had just handed him. Kojiro also froze from where he'd been about to walk away. "He said you have a robot that plays you music to calm down just like I count. Can I meet your robot?"

"Hima-chan," Shadow hissed, glancing anxiously at Kojiro. "You weren't supposed to ask him about that."

"It's all right," Kaoru said, recovering. Still, it wasn't like anyone here didn't already know. "Kojiro already knows. I don't really like to talk about it, so I'd appreciate it if you don't bring it up while the others are here. But yes, sometimes I have anxiety attacks. My 'robot' is an AI named Carla. Right now, she's a bracelet, see?"

Himari leaned over the table to take a look at the glowing purple band, looking fascinated. "Hello, Carla," she said.

"Hello, Himari-chan," Carla said, the bracelet lighting up. Himari's eyes brightened, and she clapped.

"So cool!" she said, and Kaoru decided he liked this girl.

"Your brother said you liked anime?" Kaoru asked, making conversation. From the corner of his eye, he saw Kojiro had given up all pretense of working, just staring at them. He didn't know what was so interesting. "There's another boy your age coming soon who likes it too. You should ask him about it."

"Oh," she said excitedly. "Is he cute? Does he like Demon Slayer?"

Kaoru looked over at Shadow, unable to remember if that was the anime he'd mentioned.

"Yes, he does," Shadow said, rolling his eyes. "And at your age, no boys should be cute! Focus on school!" he scolded.

"Bleh," she retorted, sticking out her tongue.

The siblings started bickering for a bit, and not long after, the rest of the kids arrived, the bell above the door jingling as the group trailed in.

"Hi, Cherry! Hi, Shadow!" Reki said brightly. To Himari, he went, "Who are you?"

"Reki," Kaoru said in a warning tone. "What name do you use outside of S?"

"Oh, right," Reki said. "Hi, Sakurayashiki-san! Hi, Hiromi-kun! Who are you?" he asked Himari again.

"What's for dinner?" Miya demanded before she could answer, while Langa gave his own quiet greetings. Kaoru made a quiet note of Shadow's name this time.

The kids hit it off, asking Himari if she liked anime (a lot) and if she liked skating (sometimes). Kaoru sipped his tea, quietly listening and wondering if he and Kojiro had ever really been so young. Kojiro came back and asked what they wanted.

"Sakurayashiki-san," Shadow asked for his sister, the last to order. "What did you say your favorite was? Something-nara…"

"Carbonara," Kaoru told both of them. Kojiro let out an audible breath, but when Kaoru glanced over, Kojiro didn't say anything. His smile looked strained, though. Kaoru internally shrugged it off. "Your brother said you like pasta?"

"Mm," Himari agreed, nodding quickly. She told Kojiro, "I'll try that then!"

"Right," Kojiro said, a bit more curt than he usually was with customers. Kaoru wondered if he'd had a busy afternoon. "Kaoru, can you help me in the kitchen?"

"Ugh," Kaoru said. "Is this why you asked me here? Manual labor?" But got up to follow him anyway. They must have been short-staffed; it would explain Kojiro's strange mood as well. Though it wasn't like Kaoru was much help in the kitchen; he was usually delegated to washing duty.

Sure enough, a large stack of dishes towered in the back, so Kaoru went over to the dishwashing station and rolled up his sleeves. As he worked, he noticed from the corner of his eye that Kojiro kept opening his mouth to speak, before stopping himself with a frustrated huff. He didn't seem as angry as last time, but he still seemed frustrated about something. After what happened last week, Kaoru was a bit reluctant to ask him what was wrong.

Well, even without prying, Kojiro finally asked.

"When did you and Shadow get so close?" Kojiro said, clearly aiming for casual. If Kaoru hadn't known him so well, he might not have noticed how tense Kojiro was despite the easy tone of his voice. Kaoru didn't really understand what he was getting at. Maybe Kojiro didn't like Shadow? Well, Kaoru could hardly blame him, given his S persona.

"I don't think we're that close," Kaoru said slowly, picking at a particularly sticky piece of food on a pan. He squirted some more soap on his sponge. Really, Shadow had only learned by unfortunate circumstance; Kaoru never would've chosen to tell him. If anything, Kaoru was tempted to avoid him, but it wasn't really practical with S and the kids coming to the restaurant.

"You seemed to know a lot about his sister," Kojiro said. "And he knew about your anxiety…"

"We spoke a bit at the hospital," Kaoru said vaguely, which wasn't a lie but was certainly misleading. He didn't want to tell Kojiro about his panic attack, though, because then Kojiro would ask if something set it off and when it happened. Kaoru scowled at the fact that that stupid kiss was still haunting him.

"I visited you at the hospital every day," Kojiro said, some frustration leaking into his voice. "Neither of you seemed that close then. Did you have an attack in front of him? How did he know about the music? I thought you said you hadn't had an attack in years… Did Adam set it off?"

"I don't really want to talk about it," Kaoru said, his chest feeling tight. "Hiromi—"

"You call him by his first name?" Kojiro blurted, looking away from the vegetables he'd been cutting in favor of gaping at Kaoru.

Well, truthfully, Kaoru hadn't actually known his name until twenty minutes ago, and didn't even know his surname… But it seemed rude to admit that.

"I call you by your first name too," Kaoru said for lack of anything better to say. This whole conversation was odd. He just wanted to go back to their usual bickering, but now the mood was all strange. Kojiro seemed like he was biting his tongue and he wouldn't look at Kaoru anymore, instead turning to glare at the pot on the stove. Kaoru stared down at the half-dirty dish he was washing.

The thing was… Kaoru recognized that Kojiro sounded jealous. Kojiro probably felt Shadow had taken his place as 'Kaoru's best friend' or something like that. If it was before the tournament, Kaoru would've just called him an idiot and goaded Kojiro into an argument until they were back to normal. But after the kisses and Kojiro's anger last week, Kaoru felt like they were teetering on an edge right now, and his usual insults might tip them the wrong way.

"I don't know his last name," Kaoru finally said. "And I didn't tell him about my fits. He just caught me having one by chance. Afterwards he told me his sister got them too, and that's when we talked about his sister."

"Oh," Kojiro said, voice small. When Kaoru peeked at him, Kojiro looked vaguely ashamed. Kaoru quickly turned away to glare at the sponge instead.

"Yes, oh," Kaoru said, glare intensifying and scrubbing a new dish with particular vigor. He felt his frustration bubbling up. "Look, these past few weeks have been frankly awful. Can we just go back to normal? I really can't handle you being weird right now."

And it really had been. Between the challengers the past two months, the ridiculous tournament, Kojiro's kiss, Kojiro's anger, and Kaoru's fit and the memories that came with it, he was completely emotionally drained. Kaoru had no capacity left to deal with Kojiro if he wanted to fight. There was a long silence, to the point that Kaoru almost wondered if Kojiro hadn't heard him.

"Okay, Kaoru," Kojiro said softly at last. "Whatever you want."

ooo

My favorite part of this chapter was actually the beginning, writing about Kojiro's grandma. To be honest, this section didn't include many similarities to my own life, but writing it really made me miss my own grandma. Christmas isn't the same without her.

That being said, I hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday season! Próspero año y felicidad.