A tornado of green explodes out of the bathroom, rending the door to pieces! It tears into the living room, ricocheting off every piece of furniture. Before stopping, in the middle of the room…to reveal a smartly dressed incredible handsome (yes, I'm humble -keep going!) ready-to-party gentleman dressed in a yellow zoot suit, complete with a wide-brimmed hat and feather.
The most eye-catching part though, had to be the giant big green head, sporting the largest white smile imaginable!
"Soooooo… How do I look?" BZZZT! "Trick question! Time up's! The answer is fabulous!" You bat your eyelashes, before turning to your (reasonably shocked) trio of enemies – and the light of your life!
"Kraang, what is this being that stands before Kraang?" One of the lookalikes said.
"Kraang is not sure," another one said, pointing a device at you. "But according to Kraang's scanner-"
"CUT!" The scream startles the triples, as they see now sitting in a director's chair with a megaphone. "Wrong! All wrong! The script says you charge me, not stand there slack-jawed! Where do they find these stand-ins!?"
(In an aside, you add, "Then again, Hollywood is hard up for talent! Never seen so many good-looking people who can't act since Netflix!")
As the men reached inside their coats, you suddenly fall backward onto a fainting couch. "No! Go away! I can't stand the sight of such awful acting!" You grab a chord that was certainly not there before. "You're all fired!" With one tug, a trapdoor opens up beneath the group and they drop right into a large vat of lemonade!
"Hah-ha! Boom-shakka-lakka!" You perform a victory dance any NFL player would be jelly of! "Guess you guys had a 'glass!' Hah! *snort!*" You are hilarious!
"Now, then…" you slide into a kneeling position to where April was. "Oh, sweetest Month April, Are you alright, darling~?" you say in your fanciest accent…but she does not respond…
"Sweet Month April?" You open one eye and look around…she's nowhere to be seen! "Hmmmmm, that's odd. There was a cute, long-legged redhead here just a second ago…right here next to…the clones…"
…
You give yourself a hearty smack to the noggin! "Let's make sure the punchline doesn't go flat for her…this time!" With that, you whip out a remote and press rewind.
Reeeefphtmpgo -tick!
-a trapdoor opens up beneath the group-
"AAHHH-!" April's screams are cut short when an arm as long as a mile grabs her by the back of her shirt, reeling her in! To her surprise, she lands cleanly on her feet…in front of you.
You flash her a grin. "Hiya, April! Nice of you to drop in! Oh, wait…this is su casa! I'll guess we'll fix that line in post-WHOA!" In an instant, your magnificent angel…looks like she wouldn't be out of place in Hell!
"Who are you!? Why are you in my house!? And what did you do to James!?" She roars in your ear.
"Wow~ whadda woman!" Beautiful and fearless! Where's the nearest Kay Jewelers!? In an instant, you spin the both of you around! When you stop, you are in a tux straight out of the Roarin' 20s, and April is in a flamenco dress. As she tries to get her bearings, you dip her low. I'm talking Barry White low. "My love~, I'm humbled by your concern…but I am fine! I have never felt more chipper in my life! Come, let me show you…" With that, you lean in for a kiss, dazzled by her bewitching eyes…no, wait, she seems angry still. And…afraid? What's she afraid of – you're the only one here –
ZAP!
BAM!
Splat!
"…hullo darkness, my old friend…"
...
...
"...zzzzzz..."
Cock-a-doodle-doo! Went the rooster. Wait…rooster? Well, April must keep one around, being a farm girl and all…
You sit up, stretching and yawning like a lion. Phew, how long were you out?
You whip out a wrist to check your handy dandy sundial. "Hmmmm…wasn't out for very long. Whew, what hit me!" You twist your neck 360 degrees, relieving yourself of (somehow actual) discomfort. "Now what was happening again?... Right! April was – NUTS! APRIL!" You could hear the tires screeching in your head as you shoot to your feet. Where'd those drones take his April!?
In a literal whirlwind, you make for the roof. As you stop suddenly, now in the open air with the skyline around you, you pose with a cape blowing behind you. "Don't worry, April! I'll save you!" You drop your winning smile for a second and cross your arms in thought. "Real talk, though – some cloned clowns just captured a cutie! Nothing with clones involved ever ends well! I've got to find her and tell her it's me…Good news, I've got miles to go before sunrise!"
With that, you begin pacing the roof, donning Sherlock's signature hunting hat and a pipe. "Now then, if I were some Gap model rejects, how would I find myself after a kidnapping?"
"Of course! I'll sniff 'em out! Great thinking, me!" As you toss the hat and pipe to the side, you morph your head into a bloodhound, sucking in the air around you like a vacuum. You smell…you smell…what is that smell?
Like a dousing rod, your nose swivels to the north of the roof. There! That must be her! "Gentlemen! The hunt is afoot!" Running on all fours, you speed in and around evening traffic, until you find an eerily quiet spot. As you get closer to April's scent, a new smell, a more…metallic smell begins to emerge…
You ignore the changing scent and press on…only to collide with something painfully solid, falling into a roll with it. As you regain your bearings, you look up to find one of those clones getting off you, as he held a hand to his face. As he was stumbling around, you notice something on the ground…
Ooooh~! Pop 'em like pinatas, and they drop cool prizes!" You pick up the weird object. Upon closer inspection…it's half of a…human…face… As you slowly look up, you see the weirdo let go of his head…to reveal the face half came from him!
You blink at the metal unmoving face. "…This is still mine."
The man-bot whipped a weird futuristic gun. "Krang will obliterate the one that has damaged Krang's disguise!" Even while he started firing, you weaved in-between the laser blasts.
"He he~ How bold of you to 'face' me in such a state!" ZAP! "Oh, wait I got more! I know the radio said that Illegal Aliens were a problem...they weren't supposed to be right!" ZAP! ZAP! "Wait, wait! One more! Are you after our women? GASP! Was Duke Nukem right!?" The more you quipped, the worst the android, Krang was what he called himself, shot his weapon.
As the weapon clicked on empty, you looked at all the wide shots. "Hmmm, this aim's almost good enough for a stormtrooper…Idea!" You race over to Kraang, and before he (it?) could blink (except he couldn't?), you had reapplied his face…with crazy glue…and duct tape. As it tried to remove the fast-stuck face half, you spin the glue bottle before holstering it in your toolbelt. "Er-yup! That right there is a job well punned, if'un I do say merself!"
Krang was not as amused with your antics. "Kraang's vision is impaired! Kraang cannot see!"
You pat the thing on its shoulder, buffing your nails on your shirt. "There, there. Where you're going you won't have to see…" You sneer in Kraang's good eye. "Not when I'm about to make you sing!"
For a fraction of a moment, somehow with a metal unamused face, Krang showed the slightest bit of fear.
Almost like magic, Kraang was suddenly sitting in a darkly lit room, the only light source being a lamp swinging ominously overhead. Somehow, handcuffs that it should be easily breaking out of were holding it to the table. Out of the darkness, you melt from the shadows…looking like a portly police officer with a gentle soul.
"Hi there! How are you?" You sit down at the opposite side of the table. "Now, Kraang – can I call you Kraang? – We're looking for a missing girl - red hair, blue eyes – some fellas that look just like you were last seen with her. If you know anything, we would be really grateful!"
The android tilted its head. "Kraang does not know what you are doing, but Kraang demands that you let Kraang go-!"
SLAM! That was when a hand came down, which startled Kraang! On his right, there you were, now dressed as like an Army Sergeant!
"YOU DEMAND!? YOU DEMAND!?" Every word you said was like a jackhammer on the robot's vocal receptors. "WELL, EXCUSE THE HELL OUTTA ME, YOU METAL TURD! I WAS UNAWARE JACKASSES IN HANDCUFFS COULD MAKE DEMANDS! WANT SOME TEA AND CRACKERS TO GO WITH THAT 'REQUEST,' MISTER BIG SHOT!? SAD TO SAY WE'RE OUT OF THAT! WHAT I DO HAVE IS A SIZE 10 BOOT JUST THE RIGHT SIZE FOR YOUR ASSHOLE!"
"As you can see," Carl Mask-low stated calmly, the smile never leaving his face, "my partner can be a bit of a loose trigger. If you tell me where April is, we can just get rid of him."
"YOU'D BETTER TELL ME!" General Mask bellowed, "SO I DON'T HAVE TO WASTE A PERFECTLY GOOD NIGHT BUSTING YOU OPEN LIKE A SODA CAN!"
Kraang was thoroughly flummoxed at the tag team of one…well, being fit best right now, he just looked down at the table, unresponsive. Well, time to motivate him…
"Hey, hey, hey," Carl Mask-low says soothingly, gaining the droid's attention. "Listen, Kraang – it is Kraang, right? - This girl we're looking for is important...nice, considerate, nice to imagine in nylons – you know, really special."
"Indeed. Kraang knows how unique April O'Neal is," the clone finally spoke up. That is why it is imperative that Kraang captured April O'Neal-!"
"Capture her!?" Toning down the yelling, General Mask went nose-to-flaring-nose with Kraang. "If that's what you do to special women in your life, your mama must be a f**kin' disaster! How would you like it if I barged into your home, to drag you off to some godforsaken hole in the ground!?"
Kraang's 'face" had not even twitched. "Kraang would not put April O'Neal in a hole in the ground. The abandoned communications building on 5th Street will serve as a perfectly fine base of operations until April O'Neal can be extracted."
Mask-low and General trade looks as Krang dropped that information. (He can't be serious... it can't be that easy...) Well, if he's willing to drop this much...
Mask-low shoots the prisoner a cheesy grin. "You know, Kraang, you look like you need a pick-me-up." He then pulls a plate of cookies out of nowhere and pushes them to the robot. "Here. Have a bite. They're fresh!"
The drone gives you a blank stare, then looks at the plate. Robots probably don't eat, but this is Mask country; logic died in its sleep, with a DNR tag on the big toe! Krang picked up a cookie, inspected it carefully, before tentatively taking a bite...
And finding himself whisked back in time, lost in his memories. Little Kraang standing at the door, crying from falling off his bike. Mama Kraang takes him inside, patching him up; her brave young toaster never flinched or short-circuited once.
"That's my brave babushka!" Mama rewarded her little droid with his favorite treat: Lugnut cookies with extra virgin motor oil!
"Thank you, Mother of Kraang. These are very tasty." Krang shoveled the sweets into his mouth – he just could not get enough of them!
"So, my brave little toaster," Mama patted Little Krang's head, "why do you have to play hide-and-seek with that April girl? You're not playing too rough, right?"
"Krang would never hurt April O'Neil, Mother of Krang," the baby drone said around mouthfuls of cookies. "April O'Neil's physiology is too important to Krang's plans to damage it in any way." Ok, good; these rustbuckets don't want to hurt April... until they're finished with her.
"But why take April? What's the point of kidnap – er, hiding a young girl?" Saved it!
"April O'Neil is key to Krang's plan," the boy bot stated as he gulped down his cold cup of freon. "And once Krang's plan is realized, this whole world will finally belong to Krang!" Hoo boy, that sounds bad...
"So, that's the goal? World domination?"
"Of Course!" Krang stated as he stood up... had his mother's face always been green? "Wait... Krang has no mother!" He looks down at the cookie in his hand. "Krang does not eat! What is this!?"
"That sounds like disrespect, young man!" You wag your finger at Krang, who actually looks down like a kid being scolded! "Don't you raise your voice to me!"
"Wha... but, Krang-!"
"Don't you 'but, Krang' me! Go to your room until you can remember the manners programmed into you!" You even stomp your foot for good measure. Krang, either lost or really cowed, looked around for some answer to what was going on, before you clear your throat, pointing to the stairs. Finally, Krang, hands stuffed into pockets and shoulders hunched, trudged up the stairs...
"Well, that was a fun warm-up," you say as you readjust your hair bun and apron. Suddenly, your egg timer goes off! Good grief, half the night's gone! And you still need to find your beloved! You race out, but coming right back and placing a plate of Lugnut cookies and milk on the table. Also, you jot a quick letter, kiss it and place it on the table.
'Dear Krang, Going out for a bit. Need milk for dinner. Be a good boy! Mommy loves you!'
As you step out of the building, you look around the street; you're still somewhere in the area where you smelled April. It's pretty late, so even the street's fairly empty, save for a white van, and the greasy jittery man who gets out of it to grab something from the back of it.
"Excuse me, mister!" The man, who you notice up close has a snake tattoo on his face, looks around and down a kid... with a big green head. "I'm wost! Can you hewp me find mommy and daddy, pwease~?"
Whatever you were expecting, it was not that he would whip out an alien-like pistol and aim it at you. "Scram, kid, or you're in for the shock of your life!"
You smile widely at him. "You first!" You then reveal the tazer behind your back, and jab hi with it! He jumps, spasms, and practically macarenas from the charge! "Might be a little high," you mutter as he falls back, opening the van door the rest of the way. A canister rolls out of the back, stopping at your feet.
You slam the creep into a dentist's chair with a few extra restraints. As he struggles with the cuffs, you whip out a Super Soaker, but the canister sits where the water tank would be. "Alright, Pauli! What's the 411 on this gunk?" While using an awful Brooklyn accent, you point the toy at him. "You better start crooning... or else you ain't gonna be singing no more, git it?"
The man should have stopped squirming when threatened; instead, his attempts to free himself doubled. "Get that away from me! T-that stuff's toxic – I've seen what it does to people!"
"Oh-ho! You know this stuff?"
"Y-yeah! The freaky guys pay me to deliver it back and forth to their storehouses! Once I saw what they use it for! Homeless people, animals, plants – everything that stuff touches mutates the hell out of it!"
You put on some specs and study the container. "Fascinating. So, this... mutagen alters organic life into some perversion of its original structure..." You throw off the glasses and shoot him a devilish smile. "But real science is all about testing crazy theories! Wanna be my guinea pig?"
At that comment, the thug became bawling like a baby, fighting the restraints to the point of bruising his wrists! "Please! Have mercy!" Now the man was crying and begging! "W-w-what do you want from me! I'll do anything! Just keep that stuff... away from me-e-e-e-e!"
Right, that could get annoying... Shouldering the water gun, you back your arm and...
SLAP! "Will you..."
SLAP! "SHUT!"
SLAP! "UP!"
As Snake-baby's blubbering decreases, you pull out a hanging lamp to shine is his face. "Where do they do these experiments? Tell me!" you growl in a raspy voice. (Christian Bale, eat your heart out!)
"E-everywhere! Their nearest lab is a few blocks from here! I'll take you to 'em!" The canary sings. A short walk at (water) gunpoint later, and you and Snakebreath are standing outside the perimeter scans of a high-fenced building... with a radio tower... on the corner of Main and 5th. "Right there! I just drove them there tonight! They had some girl with 'em! Cute thing too, but if those monsters have her... she gonna wish she were dead..."
"Not if I can help it..." you mutter around a toothpick in your mouth, then your face brightens. "But first!" You then pull out Extra-Strength Gorilla Glue, and douse your prisoner in it; it acts like cement and immediately hardens.
"Wh-t! I c-n m-e!" The man complained through stuck jaws.
"You just stick around, old chum! I'll be right back." You pat him condescendingly on his cheek, then add, "Oh! And if you keep smuggling Alien Acid around my neighborhood, I'll dunk tank ya into a vat of the stuff, 'kay pumpkin~?"
As the thug paled in silent fear, you race off to the building. "Now, how do I tackle this...? Ah! Forewarned is forearmed, as Sunny Tzu once said!" With that, he pulls out the QM's notes on MMM. "Let's see. Not suitable for younger views... One Good Deed... Impmon, Digivolve into – whoops, spoilers! Back a bit, back a bit... Ah-ha! Here! 'Mask James watches as Kraang fly off with April and Dr. O'Neil in a helicopter –' wait, what!? Dr. O'Neil!?"
"They have her father! Guess thaat's why he never showed up..." As you ponder on that, you watch as a helicopter begins to take off from within the compound-! "NOPE! That's not happening! I know what must be done!" With that, you reach inside your coat and pull out... a giant magnet!
As you hold on tight, the magnet begins attracting everything metal near it! Stop signs, cars, parts of the fence, and even the radio tower begins to buckle! The helicopter is fighting to stay in the air, but it's too much! "Come on... come on..."
As the helicopter finally gives up the ghost, it spins chaotic closer! In one of its rotations, out from the side door falls April! Oh, and her father... and some of the drones again, a few without the facemasks and suits. The entire group screams as they fall... right onto the biggest softest pillow imaginable! Thank goodness you stopped by Mattress King before coming here!
As the girl stands up, hands still tied, you race over. "Oh, April~!" You offer her a bouquet of roses. As you give them to her, you then immediately turn to her father, munching on a carrot. "Eh... What's up, Doc?"
Dr. O'Neil blinks at you, but does not have time to say anything before April begins beating you with the roses! "Just! Because! You saved me! Don't! Think! I! Forgot! Where! Is! James!?"
"Sweetie-OW! Honey-YEOW! Why do roses have thorns!?" As you complain, the drones get up, grabbing their weapons.
One of the human-looking ones stands up and points. "Krang knows this being! When Krang and Krang found April O'Neil, this being dropped Krang into a concoction of lemon, sugar, and water!"
As you look over at them, you realize that not... all of them is robotic...
The pink skin... all those tentacles... reminds you of eating at Murakami's-!
DING! A light bulb literally appears over your head! One last trick to get rid of these jokesters... sunrise can't be too far away, after all. As you open your mouth, April fills it what's left of your peace offering. "Hey! Don't ignore me! I-!"
You flash-step behind her and the Doc. "April, dear, when was the last time you ate? You know you're not you when you're hungry!" Literally spinning into a twister, the O'Neils along for the ride, you move the party over to the sidewalk, Krang's guns trained on you.
When you stop spinning, April and Doc are sitting at a hibachi grill stand, with you dressed as a steakhouse chef. "Luckily, we have enough calamari for everybody!"
The Kraangs look at each other, their pink squishy parts conveying the confusion felt among them. "Cala... mari...?"
April, who found herself seat-belted to her stool, snarls at you. Geez, the fight in this girl! "I'm not hungry, you big-headed jerk! I wanna know what-!"
"Please, April-san, my name's not Big Head!" You tap your name tag, which she glances at briefly.
"I'll call you what I want... you..." her voice peters out as she takes a second look then looks back at you. "...James?"
You press a finger to your lips and wink, before going on with your show-stopping number. You whip out fresh squid, still wiggling about, juggling it in the air with two spatulas, before flipping it into a pot of boiling oil. "How do you take yours, gentle-bots? Grilled or fried? Soy or vinegar?"
The Doublemint Twins Army paused in shock. "...Kraang?" One drone asked of his suited superior.
"Yes, Kraang?" the not-man responded.
"Is the one with the green head stating that the Kraang are delicacies to the humans?"
After a quiet pause, the lead Kraang responds, "Kraang suspects that Kraang is correct. It does, in fact, seem that the humans consider the Kraangs' manipulators to be the 'deliciousness.'"
The pink stomach blob then did something that should be possible for a being with no throat: it gulped. "Kraang is unnerved and slightly frightened of the race known as humans."
The display had the Krang completely shaken! You can hear their tin-plated kneecaps banging together! "Kraang does not wish to be made into oil-fried and breaded human delicacies!" A different drone moaned in fear, as its rider squeaked and chirped in fear.
The lead Kraang, who was vibrating like he was on a fault line, some nodded calmly. "Kraang agrees." He then turned to the group and yelled, "RETREAT!"
And with that, the little pink not-men ran screaming down the street, one or two of them even dropping their weapons. Within seconds, there wasn't a drone, clone, or blob left alone on the block!
The three of you watch as the group of aliens beat it down the street. "Y'know," you comment, "for creatures without natural legs...they are pretty good at legging it!"
April and her dad look around in alarm at the sound of canned laughter. "W-where is that laughter coming from!?" The tall old man gasped.
You wave the question away. "Well, that wraps this up! Next scene!"
April and Doc look around, surprised again, as they suddenly find themselves in April's apartment. April seems about to speak, but you pop up out of nowhere, wearing a kiss the chef apron, offering a plate of fresh sashimi. "Late-night snack?"
The elder gentleman is flustered and absolutely flummoxed; his daughter, on the other hand, gets up. She looks you up and down. "J-james... Is that... is this really you?"
You flash-step to lean on a fireplace that was certainly not there before. Your outfit now consists of a maroon dinner jacket and a smoking pipe. "Loki-ng good, right? It's the new fad, all the rage in Prague. When the moon is high, and the stars are dancing, that's where I'll be~!" You croon to your lady love, not really acknowledging her father is still in the room, as he is still trying to figure out what is happening.
A thought occurs to you as you make the smoke coming from your pipe say 'hmmmm.' "Actually, hang on. Why did those deep-sea rejects capture you anyway? Something about..." You pull out your script to look back at the Interrogation scene. "...Really? Alright-!" You cast the script elsewhere to address April again. "...how unique you are. Like, what's that about?"
April blinked, before looking aside. "I...I don't know. There's nothing even special about me..."
You puzzle on that-
The whole apartment starts with the sudden noise. You check your beeping pocket watch, and- "...Uh-oh. Time's up."
Sure enough, the early rays of dawn blink through the blinds. "Oh! It's morning!" As April went to open the window, your hands automatically went to your head.
"Well, good night everyb
6256151615165151;lasnvenviusnbfgdnbdfjbnrdjbntkbrnx76t75654565684685 %#$%^*&*RW#$ HTD562615165!
THUD!
A/N: Well, that was a hoot and a half to write! So, what's you think!? Like it? Love it!? Rather leave it? Don't be shy to tell me!