I decided to buy a birthday cake. Making one just seemed like too much work. It was really for the kids, as I was at work most of today. I had promised myself that I was not going to cry today, for Lexie, or for myself. I didn't want to wallow in self pity. But here I am, sitting on the floor of a supply closet, crying my eyes out, hoping no one comes in. Suddenly I hear voices outside the door. It's Alex and Jo.

"I am going to ask the Chef if Meredith and I can take the day off. Actually, I haven't seen her, maybe she already has."

"Ok, you can't just do that. Just take the day off. People are dying, Alex! And plus, he won't let you leave."

"Please! To him, the sun rises and sets around Meredith Grey. And I'm not saying that it's wrong, that woman is God."

"You can't just leave! Sick, dying patients Alex!"

"Do you know what day it is, Jo? It's the 3rd of July. Today is the one day where I get to lose it. So let me go."

"What the hell, Alex? What is so awful about the 3rd of July?"

"It's Lexie's Birthday, okay! God! I just want to be alone, do you think you can do that for me, Jo? Just give me some space and time alone?"

With that, he swung open the door, not noticing me on the floor. He slid down the wall with his hands in his hair and eyes squeezed shut.

"Alex?"

"Mer? What are you doing here?"

"Well, what does it look like I'm doing?"

He slid down next to me, taking my hand.

"Not doing so well today, are we?"

"Awful."

"Let's go back to yours, ok? We can celebrate or cry, whatever feels appropriate."

"Yeah, let's go."

It was Lexie's birthday today. I was tired and it was my day off, but surprise birthday parties were Lexie's favourite thing. So I had to haul myself off my ass this morning and get to work. Derek would probably be a better person for this job, but he was put in charge of keeping her distracted. He had booked a craniotomy for her to scrub in on. So it was the rest of our jobs to get the party ready.

She had come to me two days before, expressing her fears. It was her first birthday in the last two years without George. He was her best friend and always threw her a party. So as her big sister, I made it my priority to make her birthday one of the best she's ever had. But now that I'm standing here in front of the list of things I was supposed to do today, I was honestly concerned if I could top George.

Alex and I just sat on the sofa, staring at the mantelpiece above the fireplace.

"This sucks."

"Damn right it does."

"You wanna reminisce?"

"I'm down."

I got up and picked up my photo album from behind the sofa, Izzie had made it, and after she left, Derek insisted on keeping it up. But since he died, it had just been collecting dust.

"This old thing could be put to use."

The first few pages were dedicated to people that we lost. First page was George, then Lexie, Mark and Derek.

I decided that I wanted to stick more pictures in of them, and keep it going. As I stared at Lexie's page

"I miss her so damn much, Alex. God, why did they take her away? She never did anything wrong. I miss the way she smiled when a patient made it after a surgery, even how sad she got after one died. No matter how many times I told her it wasn't her fault and that people die everyday, she would still cry and say she needed a hug. I think that's what I miss most. A little sister who wanted an older sister so that we could comfort each other, because we both understood. I miss how she would light up an entire room just by laughing. Her face would glow, and she made me so proud to be related to her. Ugh, I said I wouldn't cry today."

"It's ok, Mer. Just let it out."

I put my head on his shoulder and broke down, him holding my shaking body.

I'm so sorry this is so short. My mental health has been really bad lately and I just don't feel motivated. But I'm going to try and keep writing this, because I love this story. But school has also started back up again so updates will be a bit further apart. As always, have a great week and happy new year!