Task Force X made their way through the sweaty, copious, and downright unpleasant foliage in the jungles of Corto Maltese. It was frankly a miracle they were never discovered, for their bickering reverberated through the environment like screeching monkeys.

"So, what's the play?" The barrel-chested Peacemaker asked, his patriotic brow furrowing as he unstuck his boots from a patch of mud. As he surveyed the land around him, he concluded it had been a rare lapse in judgement for his personal hero, The Gipper, to not nuke Corto Maltese the moment he had the chance.

"How the hell should I know?" Bloodsport shrugged, firing a spray of bullets ahead of him to scare off a handful of cackling monkeys. "For christ's sake, Krill, you're Polka-Dot Man, yeah? Who cares if you have brown spots on your costume? Serves you right for wearing mostly white, you loon…"

"I can't believe this!" Peacemaker exploded. "You're the LEADER. You're supposed to be DECISIVE."

"Then I've decided you should eat a big bag of dicks!" Bloodsport retorted grumpily. "Shut you up good, soldier-boy."

Peacemaker's eyes shone with wounded pride. He decided, as usual, to go with what was in his heart when faced with naysayers.

"If this whole beach was completely covered in dicks and somebody said I had to eat every dick until the beach was clean for liberty, I would say "no problemo!" Peacemaker declared, gesturing at the beach.

The rest of the team stared at him, utterly bewildered that the man had said something so insane in such a matter-of-fact manner.

"Wait, I don't follow." Ratcatcher scratched her head. "Why would somebody put penises all over the beach?"

"Who knows why madmen do what they do?" Peacemaker said.

"Penis is nom nom?" King Shark rumbled. No one cared to answer his query.

"I've seen that coconut tree before." Polka-Dot Man said. "I threw a yellow one there so we could have a trail of breadcrumbs. Maybe you could send up one of your friends, Ratcatcher?"

"Good idea. Sebastian?" Ratcatcher said, a tiny brown head poking its head out of her bag. She retrieved the rodent and said; "Suba na árvore e olhe ao redor, por favor."

Pausing only to briefly nuzzle its head against his master's hand in an affectionate manner, Sebastian began to climb up the tree to get a better view. She beamed with pride.

"Always hated those things. One time, I built a tiny guillotine on a rainy day. Took care of my mouse problem toot-sweet." Peacemaker said fondly, ignoring the scowl he received.

In about two minutes, Sebastian returned. Ratcatcher cupped her ear to her hand to listen to his surprising intel.

"What? That can't be true." Ratcatcher looked genuinely amazed. "Are you sure? Really..."

"What mouse say?" King Shark asked.

"You have to see it to believe it." Ratcatcher said, pointing to the direction of the beach. Peacemaker pushed past his peers to peer at the beach, absolutely lost for words.

On the beach, there were hundreds of thousands of penises all over the land. There were small penisies, large penises, and in all the colors you can imagine. The entirety of Task Force X was amazed at such a beautifully disgusting view.

"Well, time to put some penis where my mouth is." Peacemaker shrugged, pulling a bib out of nowhere. Bloodsport could only sheepishly hold out his arm as if to say, help yourself.

…

Hello, my fellow Americans, this is Ronald Reagan. You may know me from some DC Comics stories such as Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Secret Origins 14 and Wonder Woman 1984. I also happened to be president for a little bit in the eighties.

What you have just seen was a dramatization of overindulgence in dick-eating done in the name of patriotism. Now, all good freedom-loving Americans treat themselves to a good penis every once in a while. It calms the nerves. It refocuses your love for your country. And above all, it tastes pretty darn great. I might end up eating some dick after we're finished filming this.

But I beg you, please don't consume so much penis that your stomach literally explodes. It's just common sense. And if someone tries to bully you into doing it, you look them in the eye and just say no. Thank you and have a pleasant day.