You may remember a little place called The Shining Knight - a medieval themed restaurant and children's play place. And that at one point, the manager of that establishment had sworn to kill the next person to walk in dressed in a funny costume and as such murdered the former olympic athlete Javelin. Well, this is the story of what happened later on.
That Sunday had started off innocently enough. Hammy acting, some milquetoast sparring, and lukewarm food served by underpaid youth forced to say words of ye olde English such as "verily."
However, it was when The Blackguard walked in to face off against the eponymous mascot of the establishment, The Shining Knight, that things began to get hairy.
"What ho!" Shining Knight proclaimed. "'Tis mine greatest foe, The Blackguard! What hast thou to say for thyself, scoundrel?"
"Justin?! Is that you? Holy shit!" Blackguard gasped through his helmet. "You've really gone up in the world, huh? You used to play the back part of the horse and now you're the name on the door, bro. Dreams really are that powerful, kids!"
A murmur of confusion went through the audience. None of them were children, all were grown men and their bodyguards who had just exited a very important business meeting hosted by one Felipe Garzonas.
"Erm - how atypical of a villain like you to butcher the Queen's English!" Shining Knight shook his head, immediately feeling a familiar dread and sense of excitement to hear his old friend's voice. "Have at thee!"
The clack of wooden swords followed by hoots and hollers from the peanut gallery as Garzonas himself clapped and cheered on his big moneymaker. Loud orchestral music drowned out the conversation below.
"Last I heard, you were trying to join the Justice League as a medieval-themed character." Blackguard said, parrying Shining Knight's swing with ease. "Any progress there?"
"I still don't know how to contact them." Shining Knight replied. "I went to the G.C.P.D on my vacation two months ago and asked them if they could use the signal to call Batman or just pass the message along, but no dice."
"Yeah, those guys are pretty hard to get on the horn." Blackguard said. "Me and my ex-stepdad shot a couple of muggers to try and get his attention, but all he did was tie me and him up and said we couldn't join him because we wore hockey pads or whatever. We're total Justice League stans, it's what made our relationship click. Mom wasn't exactly thrilled at first, mind you, but she was glad we were spending time together at least."
"Wait - you've KILLED people, Richard?" Shining Knight said, bringing his sword down. "Is that why you're here? To kill me?"
"You? Fuck no!" Blackguard grunted as raised his shield to deflect the heavy thrust. "I'm here to save you, man. And avenge my other bros, Gunter Braun and Jason Todd."
"I don't follow." Shining Knight said.
"You'll see." Blackguard chuckled. "Just go loose when the next song plays. Trust me."
After two more minutes of sparring, conducted in silence between the two other than the occasional yell, Shining Knight successfully disarmed Blackguard and let him live with his honor.
"Drat! I've been foiled!" Blackguard screamed out to the crowd. "But just you wait, Shining Knight! The delicious recipes of this kingdom won't be safe from me forever!"
"And… scene." Felipe smirked, slow-clapping causing his entourage to join in. "Very good, Justin. I promise you when I move on to bigger and better things I'll put a good word in with my replacement. You could be running one of these someday!"
"Will you be paying me a pittance for my combat, m'lord?" Shining Knight asked on one knee, reaching out his hand for the offering. Traditionally, in this part of the show, a member of the royal court in the fictional kingdom Skartaris awarded the victor of the duel a medal for his courage. In the menu, receiving one of these medals was an honor only the bravest of knights and children whose birthdays were on that day were worthy of such an honor.
"Ah - no." Felipe smiled greasily. "Getting greedy, aren't we, Justin? I assumed the experience would be enough for you. Times are hard, overtime isn't a luxury I'm afraid I can afford nowards. Nor can ghetto-trash like you afford to be fired. Perhaps I won't be putting that word in with whoever takes over this dynasty I've left behind."
He and a few of his friends laughed and threw their food at him as Shining Knight helped himself up and slunk away to the dressing room. He had heard enough boos from drunk parents on normal nights anyway, he was used to it by now. But Blackguard placed his hand on Shining Knight's shoulder to stop him.
"You know, I used to work here." Blackguard said, raising his hand. "You gave me my first job, Mr. Garzonas, and I just wanted to tell you from the bottom of my heart… you're still the biggest bag of dicks I ever had the DISPLEASURE of meeting."
"WHAT?" Felipe's malicious laugh transformed into a furious anger that overtook him.
"You heard me!" Blackguard took off his helmet and outer armor, revealing blonde hair and bug eyes. Underneath was a custom black, grey and green jacket with twin holsters strapped to his chest as well as copious ammo pouches. "Face it dude, you suck. It happens. My boy Peacemaker told me about butt-babies, and you're the biggest one I've ever met."
"What is your name?! I demand to know who I'm facing." Felipe said, finger quivering as he pointed at the party-crasher.
"First thing's first, I can't do anything until I have my music." Blackguard gave a big thumbs-up to the heavens.
A song that most certainly was not on the schedule for this family restaurant began blaring over the loudspeakers; the band Grandson's instant classic Oh No!. It was at that moment Blackguard began swaying with the beat. It was entrancing; the awkwardness of the setting, the edgy nature of the song, and the fact a man dressed like a beloved children's menu icon was standing so close to a dancing assassin.
"I picked my name 'cuz you made me one, douche." Blackguard explained. "Played this character for years 'til you fired me. I loved the definition the dictionary gave of the term - a man who behaves in a dishonorable or contemptible way. Everybody saw me as just another fuck-up. So I decided to embrace it."
"KILL HIM ALREADY!" Felipe snarled. "What are you waiting for, an invitation? You know what, kill Justin too. He's gotten too close."
"My parents told me hanging out with you would get me killed, but I never took them seriously!" Shining Knight groaned. Blackguard's response to this crossing his thumbs into an "X," causing Shining Knight to roll his eyes under his helmet.
First they incite the violence / (Turn around) and then they invite the silence / (Burn it down) and I think I need some guidance / The kids don't stand a chance / No, the kids don't stand a chance!
As the beat dropped, so did the guards attempting to approach the former friends. Blackguard and Shining Knight crisscrossed, practically leaping into the haymakers they delivered. During their years of fight training together, they knew certain hand signals based on instinct alone.
All those present attempted to fire their guns, only for them to break apart in sparks.
"Havin' trouble with your boomstick there, boy?" A red-suited man with black goggles and long white hair chuckled. "Aw, don't feel too bad. I climbed the rafters before y'all got here, released my disarmer bots. That ain't on you, I just invented 'em. Crossin' my son, though?"
A sickening whack and crack with one Savant's twin nightsticks dislocated the jaw of one of Felipe's goons and another simply slumped to the floor, heavy bruising decorating his cranium.
"That's stupidity I can't seem to overlook." Savant snorted, twirling his nightsticks proudly as he advanced on more goons.
"Yeah, love you too, Dad!" Blackguard shouted gleefully as he drew his pistols and performed the skills he had perfected after hours and hours of playing the shooting gallery game on his time off.
"I wonder if Big Belly Burger is hiring?" Shining Knight sighed as his wooden sword was easily splintered and he headbutted the person who had done it instead.
Felipe could not believe his eyes. This meeting of his beautiful crime family, all slaughtered by these peasants. He was king of this domain! He gave everyone exactly what they wanted - free time from their children, drugs, and a sense of style only he could bring!
He fled into the laser tag arcade on the second floor looking for the secret shortcut that led to the parking garage as faded glow-in-the-dark stickers seemed to mock him as he fled. He had found the door. Finally! But as he jiggled the lock, it simply didn't budge.
"Please." Blackguard's voice snorted as his pistol attachment's red light aimed at Felipe's heart dead center. "Pew pew! I had the all-time high score before you erased it. I used to sneak in and out of that door to smoke pot whenever I was feeling antsy."
"Please - I beg you." Felipe pleaded. "Don't kill me."
"Okay." Blackguard shrugged, holstering his weapon.
Felipe breathed a sigh of relief.
We taking on the system 'cause it broke, woo!
"On the other hand…"
*WHOOSH SKKEEET SKEEEETTT WHUNK FOH-FOH-FOH WHACK KA-CLICK KA-CLICK THUD FOH-FOH-FOH BLAM BLAM*
In a matter of thirty seconds, Blackguard tackled Felipe, lifted him over his shoulder, ran to the edge of the banister overlooking the ground floor, thrown two of his ammo cartridges into the air, pistol-whipped his former boss, threw them into the air to the point they met with the cartridges and meshed perfectly, chopped him in the neck, twisted his nipples, caught both his guns, kicked him in the stomach, twirled them around his fingers, and fired two shots through Felipe's testicles.
"You gave Joker info that let him track down and kill Robin." Blackguard said. "It's not even the only video of a kid being hurt you're executive producer of. That's how we found out about you, and the evidence we shotgunned all over the internet is gonna destroy your family's business, especially Diplomat Garzonas. You killed me and the old's man former Squadmate, Javelin. That's why we went after you to begin with. And you fired me because I got one tattoo that wasn't 'child-friendly' enough. That's the moment I knew someday I was gonna kill you. You follow?"
He glanced over to see his former boss had lost more than enough blood to remain conscious in order to comprehend Blackguard's speech. Blackguard tossed Felipe's body over where he landed ungracefully with his limbs bent in painful directions.
"Well, you got the idea. Bet your dick hurts, courtesy of Dick Hertz." Blackguard chuckled. "Heh. Dick."
…
After he, Savant and Shining Knight tied up any goons left alive, they raided the ticket exchange center and each stole something they had always wanted but the tickets needed to trade for it were always way too high. And Blackguard even pocketed one of the recipes in the kitchen, pointing out to Shining Knight it was something his character would do.
Only who should show up to ruin the fun but the Justice League wannabe Booster freakin' Gold and a news team he had called beforehand to arrest them on television. Booster Gold was the one who had bought out The Shining Knight from Felipe to begin with, hence the party he had thrown as a little going-away present for himself and his entourage. Therefore, the likeliness he had actually shown up to stop a crime out of the goodness of his heart was laughable.
But what caught Blackguard's attention was when Booster Gold described his suit as EASILY bulletproof. He made a finger gun motion at Booster Gold, and raised his arms as if to ask who's in? Savant grinned, proud of the little hooligan he had raised and held up two fingers. Shaking his head and knowing he was going to regret it in the morning, Shining Knight held up three. The trio of vigilantes drew their guns...
*CHA-CHICK BLAM SPLAT*
"OH NO!"