In the universe you know, Professor John Monroe A.K.A Weasel nearly perished. This occurred as a result of no one at ARGUS checking to see if he could swim before throwing him out of an airplane. If it wasn't for his teammate Savant's uncharacteristically dragging his body to the shore, the half-man, half-weasel would have slept with the fishes.
Savant had known Weasel back in his computer science days at Stanford University. At that point he was simply Brian Durlin, and referred to Weasel as "Johnny Boy." Monroe's ideas were next-level bioengineering - developing in humans a healing factor that could allow them to survive heart attacks or long periods without oxygen, which had eventually morphed into his mad science experiment that turned him into what he was.
The red-clad vigilante never got a chance to tell anyone his intentions for saving Weasel before he himself died, so the reason why he chose to do so remains a mystery. He might not have even recognized the creature below him used to be his peer.
Whether what he did next was a token of that friendship, or an attempt to do one good thing with his life, or even just misdiagnosing the drowning victim he had saved, Savant stated that Weasel was deceased over the comms to ARGUS.
As a result, Weasel was legally dead for a few hours before his healing factor kicked in and awoke once more only to scatter around the beach his teammates had all perished on. The bomb within his neck was permanently deactivated by ARGUS as a result, so he was free to wander off to parts unknown.
This had two major ripple effects. Firstly, Team One was shaken by having one of their own "die" so soon, which helped to precipitate all but two of Weasel's teammates perishing on the beach.
Secondly, as the direct result of Weasel's "death", an aide of Amanda Waller's, John Economos, lost a month's salary. Economos had reasoned his ferocity and overall power set would make him a major asset to this team, which made him bet in the dead pool that Weasel would survive the mission.
However, he had not done enough research pertaining to Weasel's lucidity and personal skill set. After reluctantly forking over his salary, Economos flipped off the drone's image of Weasel's seeming dead body that was surveying the carnage and moved on with his life. After all, what point was there in mourning a creepy little monster?
But in a different universe, Economos decided to place a truly daring bet among his colleagues - all except Weasel would survive on this particular mission. The odds were astronomical, and he had bet his house savings on this remarkably risky retirement plan. This remarkable bluff intimidated his peer, Flo Crawley, and she decided to do everything within her power to insure Economos would not bankrupt herself and her co-workers.
So, one could only imagine Economos' panicked disbelief as to the sight of Weasel diving into the waters of Corto Maltese, wearing pool floaties, swim trunks, orange sunglasses, a Hawaiian shirt, and wearing an inner tube around his torso. He happily paddled to the beach along with his teammates and removed it gracefully.
"Quite tight around the old torso, eh, old chap?" He chuckled, wagging his head like a dog and genially waving toward Savant. "One too many bacon cheeseburgers for me grading papers during finals week, I suppose."
"FUCK!" Blackguard screamed, falling over and backing up on the sand, pistols drawn. "YO, THEY SAT ME NEXT TO A TALKING WEREWOLF?!"
As a direct result of the shock arising from a human-sized weasel talking, Blackguard neglected to betray the team's position to the Corto Maltese military. This had resulted in Blackguard's own death via being shot in the face by the people who were supposed to pay him for his services. The plan had been put into place by Amanda Waller to begin with to kill off those she personally disliked among Belle Reve's inhabitants and distract the military from Team B touching down on Corto Maltese's soil. This included;
Blackguard, because he was the perfect pawn to execute her plan.
Captain Boomerang, who in Amanda's eyes had survived one too many times. AND after
her intel said he was The Mad Pieman, which was unforgivable.
Harley Quinn, because she had broken out of Belle Reve once before.
Javelin, because he had a punchable face.
Mongal, for being an alien and therefore untrustworthy.
Rick Flag, for growing too fond of the team he was supposed to enforce.
Savant, because he once mentioned during yard time that he idolized Batman.
T.D.K, who was not a prisoner in Belle Reve but had volunteered as The Suicide Squad's
new official bodyguard to Rick Flag. Amanda figured this way the overlong emails regularly sent to her by him would cease.
And finally, Weasel because his feeding costs were growing expensive to the taxpayer.
But the screams had alerted the military to The Squad's location nonetheless, and spotlights lit up the beach as the telltale sounds of guns having their safeties turned off rattled around the beach.
"We've been made!" Rick bellowed. "Blackguard, Boomerang, Harley, Savant, lay down suppressive fire. T.D.K, send some of those arms in and take some of theirs. Mongal, Javelin, stay frosty, stay low! We'll rush 'em when the time is right. And- Weasel?"
Their hairy comrade had ignored the entirety of Rick's orders and had hopped over the sandbank, running as fast as he could towards the enemy. Bullets sprayed Weasel's blood all over the beach, but did nothing to slow him down. If anything, they seemed to make him go faster until he entered the jungle and did what weasels naturally do when they're pissed off and unshakable.
"HOWDY HO, IT'S WEASEL STOMPING DAY!" Weasel shrieked, pushing his fist through a soldier's chest.
The boldness of their colleague stunned The Suicide Squad and moved them greatly.
"What a noble creature… what's that he's singing?" Mongal asked. "Some sort of battle song you earthlings sung, composed by a warrior with the soul of a poet?"
"If by that you Weird Al... absolutely." T.D.K. said, shaking his head in amazement.
"Look at 'im go!" Captain Boomerang said. "'E's going off like a bloody frog in a sock."
"You know vhat, guys?" Javelin said. "I'm going up zhere. Ze javelin told me if I stay here, I shall regret it for zhe rest of mein life."
Rick took a look around and saw everyone there seemed to feel the vibe of the moment, that this battle was going to change their lives forever.
"You know everything I told y'all to do just now? Ignore that." Rick grinned. "Follow Weasel's lead. Harls, you got some fireworks for us?"
"Really, Junior? Thought you knew me by now..." Harley Quinn pulled out a bazooka from her weapons bag and took aim. "Happy Fourth of July, fuckers!"
The rocket blasted forth and took down a helicopter that in the story you know ended up killing Mongal and Captain Boomerang in the former's failed attempt to incapacitate it. Distracted by the blast, the soldiers not engaging Weasel were caught off guard by his teammates finishing the job.
The sound of boomerangs swishing, arm-swords clanged, javelins twirled, guns flashed, joy-buzzers vibrated, floating hands gave slaps and tickles, and the clunk of tonfas quickly aided Weasel's ferocious fangs and claws.
...
Team B, unsure exactly why Team A wasn't answering their comms, wandered over to the beach to discover a massacre. Presidente General Suarez' state-sponsored hitmen, who had callously murdered countless innocents and dissenters over the years, had died feeling the fear they had inflicted.
Team A was dirty, bloodied, and picking up the army's arms for ammo, but they had unquestionably won.
"Di-di-did you really kill them ALL?" Polka-Dot Man asked, seeing a beach full of dead versions of his mother dispatched by widely varied weapons in his mind.
"Not all. There's one still left." Mongal was cleaning her crimson-soaked blades with leaves, the adrenaline and pride she was feeling practically making her goldenrod skin glow.
"Are you sure about that?" Javelin smirked.
*SHUNK*
"Never mind."
"It was all Weasel." T.D.K said. "Poor little guy kept on fighting 'til he couldn't heal fast enough."
Weasel's body was strown across the beach, away from the other dead combatants, eyes open and bloodshot, bullet-holes riddling his body.
Ratcatcher took her gas mask off, strode over and kneeled beside Savant, who was shaking slightly before his friend's remains.
"Your friend's eyes." Ratcatcher whispered softly. "May I close them for you? So he can sleep?"
"Sure. Ain't gonna do 'im much better now." Savant cleared his throat. "Knock yerself out."
Ratcatcher did this and patted Weasel's forehead gently.
"What's your name?" Ratcatcher asked. "I know your alias, but the women in Belle Reve are in different yards."
"He called me Brian." Savant said. "Last damn word he ever-"
Words failed Savant. He would speak about his old friend later to what would become his new ones. That Weasel suffered a terrible bloodlust as a result of his condition, that had led him to lash out in berserker rage. The more he consumed, the more of himself he had lost. Until Flo Crawley of ARGUS had put him on non-meat items, so his mind slowly came back. The all-consuming guilt that enveloped Weasel as a result, convincing him to do anything to atone for the lives he had ended by saving some innocent ones.
Although Peacemaker insisted they should move on to meet with Sol Soria's rebels, Flag convinced him they could spare at least a few minutes to honor their lost member. Polka-Dot Man pulled a brown dot off of himself to create a wooden circle to lay the body on, and Ratcatcher used her rats to scavenge some flowers to place beside him. King Shark dragged the pyre out to sea before swimming back.
Javelin took a deep breath and threw one of his extendable javelins, with Captain Boomerang tossing a red firerang to meet it midair, which lit Weasel's body ablaze, creating a crackling yellow that illuminated the beach.
Peacemaker, Blackguard, and Bloodsport all held back, the former feeling uncomfortable with intimacy and the latter's heart breaking knowing his cowardice had gotten the poor creature killed.
"Bye, Johnny Boy." Savant said. Wiping his eyes and snorting, he marched off to the jungle to insure Weasel's death wouldn't be pointless, with Rick beckoning for his team to follow.
...
John Economos did end up winning the dead pool after all. However, seeing as he had attempted to go into Weasel's cell to evaluate him with no guards, he was disemboweled well before he could ever collect his prize. In the end, it was his own pride and greed that ended up saving the majority of The Suicide Squad.
His workers didn't attend the funeral. After all, what point was there in mourning a creepy little monster?