Sarah saw James ride thought the gate by the window. She was sitting with other officers' wives and was not really listening their gossips. The last week had been stressful for her. She did not have any news from her husband; she only knew he was not there and nobody could inform her of his moves. She had seen the doctor and could not wait to tell him the news that was confirm to her; she was with child. As much doubts as she had toward the dragoons, deep down, she still loved her husband.
As she saw him, she excused herself and got down the stairs to meet him in the entryway. She could not tell what the look on his face was; she had never seen him like this. He wrapped his arms around her and held her so tightly she could barely breathe. She could not help but notice the smell of smoke, the odor soaked in the fabric of his uniform.
They got in their quarter when the bath was ready for James. He had not said a word since he came back, but Sarah did not insist either. He slowly undressed and his uniform felt down to the floor. Normally, he would carefully fold it right away on a chair, but not today. He stepped in the tub and leaned back in the warm water. He closed his eyes, but opened them right away. The image of the burning church and the screams were unbearable.
Sarah kneeled down to his side to caress his hair. She felt him relax under his touch. The officers' wives she was spending time with were not gossiping all the time. Most of them were older women whose husbands had been to war before. She learned from them that men's change in behavior were normal, either it would be anger, sadness or quietness. She did not want the gap between them to grow so she did her best to try to understand him.
She grabbed a washcloth and soaked it in the water. She moved slowly since she noticed James was more nervous now than he used to be with sudden movements. She twisted the water over his shoulder as she moved closer to the tub and sat on her knees. She dipped the washcloth once again, but he grabbed her hand in his, intertwining his fingers in hers. He flipped her hand over and kissed the back of it.
"Dear, I am worried about you," she said as she cupped the side of his face, her thumb caressing his cheek.
He could never hide anything from her, she knew him too well. He could not even look at her in the eyes. He could not even look in his own reflection after what he did in Pembroke. His eyes started to tingle; he closed his lids to stop the tears.
"Oh, my love," she bent over the tub and hugged him as tight as she could. She did not care if her dress would be wet. She could feel his stiff body not even reacting. She pulled back and grabbed his face with both of her hands. "I need to know what it wrong with you. Talk to me, you know you can tell me anything. I love you so much, and it pains me to see you like this."
As he heard the words I love you, he looked straight in her eyes. It had been so long since he heard her say this, it warmed his heart instantly. He dipped his head and carefully put his lips against hers. He pulled away and rested his forehead against hers.
"Maybe you would like a good new?" she said
"Yeah, what is it?" he whispered.
She stood up on her knees as she put his hand on her tummy; an uncertain smile on her face trying to gage his reaction. He looked straight at her, still no emotion showing.
"Aren't you happy?" she said, sobs in her voice.
"Yes, I am. I am very tired that's all," he replied.
He turned around and grabbed the washcloth from her hand. He watched her stood up and walked out the door, not saying a word. The sound of the door closing behind her felt like a relief. As much as he loved Sarah, he didn't feel like having company. His thoughts were running in a high speed in his head; was he happy? He seemed like he did not remember what being happy felt like. Then, one intrusive thought went through his flow of thoughts; could this child be someone else? Tavington seemed close to his wife; what if it was his bastard swelling her belly? He shook his head, trying to dismiss assumption. He closed his eyes as the screams from Pembroke echoed in his head.