A difficult man

Chapter 4

The next morning, Jane got up and after having washed and dressed, went to Buck's room and put her ear to the door to hear if there was any sound. Feeling nothing, she decided to go downstairs to make breakfast.

She ate something quickly, then took the tray and went to Buck. She opened the door carefully, so as not to wake him in case he was still asleep. She found him lying down but with his eyes open.

"Good morning Buck. How are you this morning?"

She received no reply. She stepped forward and put the tray on the bedside table. She walked over to him and placed a hand on his forehead to feel if he was out of breath. Buck did not flinch but continued to say nothing.

"I brought you breakfast. Unfortunately I didn't think I could want something more consistent than coffee, tea or biscuits, I wasn't ready for your sudden awakening. If you tell me what you prefer to eat in the morning, I will get the most suitable food. I didn't think about the fact that I could have habits different from mine, sorry. ".

Silence again. She went to pull the curtains aside and then sat down beside him on the bed and softly said to him: "I know it's hard for you to accept what has happened and I know you want to be alone. I will respect your wish but I need you to communicate with me at least for the essential things. We don't have to have a conversation, but please answer what I need to know to help you heal. You also said that you are in a hurry to regain your strength. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to say that I can't wait for you to go, on the contrary, I'm happy that you are here and have company, but I know that getting back on your feet is your priority and I want to help you. So please tell me what you prefer "

Buck looked at her for a moment and then replied: "Eggs and coffee are fine, thank you" and then fell back into silence.

Jane nodded and then decided to address the subject immediately.

"While you are having breakfast and before the doctor arrives, since you have remembered everything, I would like to inform you of something that you do not yet know. Teaspoon went to the Territorial Governor to tell what happened ".

Buck whirled towards her.

"He'll be back soon to sue Gibson and I'll testify for you and against him. Me, you and Gibson with his men are the only ones who know what happened. I identified Gibson with the help of Kid and Teaspoon was able to leave before you woke up. Gibson and the whole town ignore the fact that you are here. We want to keep it hidden to prevent it from trying to get the job done by taking advantage of your weakness. When Teaspoon will be back, with yours and my testimony, we will frame him and he will pay for what he did. "

Buck said nothing for a moment, then put down the cup of tea and said in a tone so cold that it made her shiver: "I'm not going to report anyone, when I will be fine I will go away and no one will see me again. You do as you want ".

"But Buck ..."

"I'm not going to talk about this any further. Leave me alone please "

"That is fine. I leave you the medicines. I also brought you a bell to ring in case you need something, even if, yes, I mean, you have to do your business… with an immobilized arm I don't know if you can do it alone. Now that you are awake, maybe you can also wear something to feel more comfortable. I don't want to force you, when you need me ring and I will arrive immediately. See you later"

Buck did not answer her. When Jane had closed the door, Buck immersed himself in his thoughts: he really appreciated the kindness of that girl who did not know him but was lovingly taking care of him and was attentive to all his needs, even though he was treating her so coldly. On the other hand, he no longer wanted to delude himself that he could lead a normal life, he knew that the only solution, once he recovered, was to go away and try to live in solitude, maybe he could join his brother Red Bear again and try to still live with the Kiowa. They certainly couldn't have been more cruel than whites.

Jane went downstairs very dejected, they had told her she would be hard on Buck, but she did not expect to find a real wall in front of her. She decided to leave him alone and see how things would go on.

When the doctor arrived, she got help, after the examination, to make Buck wear some long johns that she had cut so that his legs remained uncovered so that she could give him the messages without having to move him every time to take them off. Buck also tried to relieve himself in a vase that Jane had brought him and although with difficulty, he was able to do it by himself after someone had helped him at least to get out of bed. This was a comfort to both of them because it would certainly make things less awkward.

The doctor said Buck was getting better and that he didn't need to come back every day, from now on he would come to see him once a week. The arm would have taken another twenty days to heal, but the other wounds and bruises were well underway, including the groin wound which was the most serious. Soon he could try to take baby steps supported by someone. Jane was delighted and greeted Dr. Pearson after thanking him.

She then went back to Buck and tried to establish a dialogue with him: "Did you hear what the doctor said? It's good news isn't it? "

She received no reply.

"Now get ready for the massage"

Buck lay down without saying a word and staring blankly. Jane performed the massages and then asked him: "What should I do with your friends who will come to visit you? Can I get them up? "

Buck without looking at her said: "I don't want to see anyone"

"But Buck, I'm sorry for you"

"I said I don't want to have anyone around, I already have to tolerate interacting with you, I don't want any more annoyances, right?" He growled at her.

Tears came to her eyes but for the moment she managed to push them back, she didn't want to show him that he had hurt her. She just said to him: "As you like" and left.

As soon as she left the room, she let the tears flow down her cheeks: she knew she shouldn't expect anything from him, he practically didn't know her and he was full of anger and problems, but being told that he barely tolerated her was too much for her.

Later, as expected, Lou and Rachel came to visit Buck, but Jane had to tell them that the man did not want to see them.

"He remembered everything last night, woke me up with a chilling scream and has barely talked to me ever since. He said he wants to be alone and that as soon as he can he will leave and never come back ". Jane said this with her eyes filling with tears. She turned so that the two women did not notice it but Rachel had sensed the pain she was feeling and without saying anything, she squeezed her arm as a sign of comfort and understanding.

"It doesn't matter Jane, give him our regards. Kid and Jimmy will probably come in the evening to discuss the trial ", Lou said.

"It's useless Lou, I informed him of what Teaspoon is organizing, but he said he has no intention of testifying and I don't think he wants to see Kid and Jimmy either."

Rachel added: "They will come anyway and if I know them well, they will come in by force"

"For me they can try, but I doubt they'll get anything", Jane concluded.

The girls said goodbye and Jane went back to her chores. Buck did not make himself heard all day and every now and then she went upstairs and listened attentively to the door but heard only immense sighs. Her heart was bleeding.

As Lou had anticipated, Jimmy and Kid knocked on her door in the evening.

"Hi guys, come in. If you want to try to go up, go ahead, but I warn you that he will chase you ".

"Let's try it anyway, thanks Jane", Jimmy said, squeezing her arm in gratitude, while Kid gave her a sympathetic smile.

The two men went up to Buck, opened the door after knocking without receiving an answer.

"Hi Buck, can we come in?" Kid asked.

"Out!" Buck yelled.

"We just want to talk to you a little bit", Jimmy pointed out.

"I said out! I don't want to hear your chatter, leave immediately "and he began to cough hard from the effort.

The two boys were petrified in front of their friend's suffering while Jane, who had heard the screams and then the coughs, rushed into Buck's room and turned to the two men: "Guys, you'd better come back another time, he needs to rest ", and rushed to Buck's bedside to help him get a steady breath.

Jimmy and Kid got out and Jane gently brushed Buck's hair away from his face as she laid him down. She didn't expect to be hit by his insults.

"What is it, are you hard of hearing or are you simply retarded? I told you I don't want to see anyone, do you understand me when I speak? You're stupid?"

Jane jerked off in fear of Buck's fury and just said: "Sorry, I'm sorry" and then ran out in tears.

Buck felt terrible for having treated his friends badly and especially for having railed against that sweet girl who had saved his life, but he had to keep her at a distance so as not to harm her.

Jane stood for a moment outside Buck's door in silence trying to compose herself, she didn't want Kid and Jimmy to see her suffering.

When she had recovered, she got out and apologized to them.

"You don't have to apologize Jane, he's acting like an idiot, don't listen to his words and don't let him hurt you", said Jimmy who had seen her red eyes.

"Thanks Jimmy, I should have expected it, you warned me. Don't worry about me, I will keep you posted on developments. By the way, shouldn't Teaspoon be back? "

"Yes, sorry, I forgot to tell you", said Kid, "he sent a letter saying it will take a few more days because the Territorial Governor was out on an important matter. It should be back within the week "

"Maybe this way we could try to get Buck to change his mind"

"I hope so", Jimmy replied.

The three greeted each other. Jane ate something and then went to Buck to bring him dinner. She had a heavy heart and didn't know what to tell him, so she just put the tray on the bedside table and asked him if he needed anything.

"I need the vase but I can't get out of bed by myself", Buck said, embarrassed at how he had treated her before and hurt his pride because he had to depend on her for his needs.

Jane said nothing and just helped him. As her face came closer to Buck's, she felt her legs give way but she struggled to keep him from falling. When Buck was able to do it alone, she closed the door without saying anything and went to her room. She returned after half an hour to collect the tray and for the massage. She just reminded him not to hesitate to call her in case of need.

Two or three days passed without change. Buck was always silent and unfriendly and Jane tried to leave him alone to avoid unpleasant incidents such as those on the occasion of the visit of Kid and Jimmy. The boys and the two women came to her every day, but to no avail.

At some point, Jane decided it was time to move the situation, it could not continue in that way and decided to face Buck.

She went to his room one morning to bring him breakfast and took courage she said: "Buck, it's been days since you woke up and you don't want to see anyone, you spend all day in silence and you live like a hermit. Don't you think it's time to react? I understand that it is difficult to accept what has happened to you, but you cannot spend your life like this by pushing everyone away "

Buck reacted violently: "Do you understand? What do you want to understand about what I feel? You don't know anything about me, you don't know me and you come and tell me how to behave? I have told you several times that I want to be alone and I don't want to see anyone, but maybe you are really too stupid to understand it or maybe you have problems with the language, I don't know. Who are you to tell me how to behave? "

Jane was appalled at Buck's violent reaction and tears filled her eyes. She felt stupid but this time she didn't run away. She let him see how much he was hurting her and replied: "You're right, I'm nobody to you and yes, I have some problems with the language because I'm not from here, but how do you know that, you haven't bothered in the least ask who am I and what am I doing here? You barely know my name because I told you the day you woke up, but you didn't bother asking me anything else. You do not have to, you are right, I am nothing to you "and as she said these words, the tears came down on her cheeks because she felt an immense pain" but I, on the contrary, I know a lot about you. Your friends, who consider you as a brother, have told me a lot about you, to help me better manage the relationship with you and to meet your needs and you repay them by keeping them away. You're right, I don't know what it feels like to undergo what you have suffered, but that doesn't give you the right to offend me or treat me as a nullity. If you are bothered by my presence and you are offended by the fact that I am helping you, you just have to say it, I will speak to Dr. Pearson and I will send you a more competent nurse than me. If we have not done this it is for your safety, the fewer people know you are here the better it will be for you. I just wanted to be helpful, but I was obviously wrong. I apologize. Make your own decision on the matter. As for me, in the meantime I will speak in monosyllables, what is strictly necessary for essential things. Now I release you from my presence. I'll come back later to take away the tray and give you the massage and then you won't see me until dinner time, unless you call me. Good breakfast Buck ".

She left the room and ran downstairs. She couldn't stop crying. She felt hurt and humiliated. She had gone to great lengths to heal him and try to unblock him, but she had only gained his contempt and annoyance. She suffered a lot because she realized she felt something for that man but it was evident that he did not have the slightest consideration of her.

Buck, for his part, felt terrible when Jane left in tears and nearly slamming the door. He regretted being so hard and the bad things he had said to her again. He reflected on the fact that that girl had saved her life, even threatening his own because if Gibson had known she was hosting him, he could have hurt her. She had been sweet and kind and had put up with his bad temper and temper. He regretted having behaved like this and for the first time he thought that perhaps he could have been a little more conciliatory and talk to her. After all, being polite didn't mean making relationships and that had to be clear about that. He decided to apologize as soon as she went up to get the breakfast tray back.

Meanwhile, Rachel showed up at Jane's house to see if things had changed and found her in tears and swollen eyes.

"What's going on honey? ", She asked gently.

"Nothing, do not worry"

"Don't be silly Jane, we're friends now, you can talk to me. Is it Buck's fault? "

Jane nodded.

"What did he do or say?"

"I tried to talk to him to try to shake him from his grudge and convince him to at least see you but he railed at me saying that I'm stupid because I don't understand that he wants to be alone and that I'm nobody to him. This is true, but hearing it said with that hardness made me feel bad. I told him that if he wants, he can ask for a nurse to take care of him in my place "

"I'm sorry honey, Buck is in a lot of pain but he has no right to treat you like that. Now I'll go up and clarify the situation "

"No, Rachel, please, you would make things worse, thank you but you don't have to"

"You feel something for him don't you?"

"I don't know Rachel, I don't know. Maybe yes, but it's useless to talk about it, I'm nothing to him "

"You will see that he will soon realize that he is wrong. Be patient and remember that you can always talk to me and Lou too. Now I leave you, see you tomorrow "

"Thanks Rachel, you're a friend"

Rachel smiled at her and left. Jane knew it was time to go up to Buck's to pick up the tray and give him his morning massage, but she was afraid of going into that room again.

She braced herself and went up. She knocked and opened the door. He didn't speak and neither did she. She took the conditioner, massaged him without saying a word, then took the tray and started to leave, when she heard her name say: "Jane, wait"

It was the first time he had called her by name and she felt like dizziness.

She turned without speaking and looked him in the eyes. She saw enormous suffering that broke her heart.

"Sorry, forgive me, I shouldn't have treated you like this either this morning or the other day. I am a horrible man. Your earlier words shook me out of a nightmare and made me think. I have no right to tell you that you are stupid, because you are not and you are not even a nullity. You are a kind and charitable woman who is taking care of an idiot who is not even able to be polite and grateful "

"I don't want your gratitude, Buck, I just want you to be fine and you can't do it alone"

"Can you sit here for a moment next to me to talk?"

Jane nodded and set the tray down, then sat down beside him on the bed.

"You're right, maybe talking will make me feel better, but I'm afraid, I'm afraid of attaching myself to people and then making them suffer because of me. You have no idea how many times I've been treated like this and my family, my friends have suffered for me. I thought that if I cut off relationships I would make them suffer less, but then I saw the pain in your eyes this morning and I reflected that if you who practically do not know me suffer like this, my friends were suffering more. I'm really very sorry Jane, you have been so loving to me and I don't know what to do to make me forgive "and tears rolled down his cheeks.

Jane had a swollen heart and wiped away his tears, then said to him: "Buck, it's understandable that you feel this way, I don't dare to imagine what you feel in your soul but trust those who love you. Your friends have come here every day, Jimmy is back especially for you and they want to help you but you have to open up, not close in on yourself. Do it for them but do it especially for you. You will always meet people like Gibson, it is true, but you will also meet many people who will love you and will love you. They told me you have a big heart, show it with your friends "

"How can you be so sweet? I have insulted you since I woke up "

"I was warned that you are a difficult man, I have been prepared", said Jane smiling. Buck returned the smile.

"I think I might see someone today if they come"

"Of course they will come and will be happy to talk to you. Another thing: the process. You have to testify against them, you can't let them get away with it. If they did it with you, they could also do it with many others for various reasons, they have to pay "

"Okay", Buck said in a faint voice

"What? I didn't hear right ", Jane said to emphasize his answer.

"I said yes. Do you always get what you want? ", He said smiling.

That smile warmed her heart.

"Actually no and my presence here proves it, but if I know I'm right, I won't be discouraged"

"Thanks. If you want to keep me here again, we could get to know each other more in the next few days ", he said shyly.

"And where would you like to go? You will have to bear me until your recovery ".

"I think I'll do it willingly".

Jane smiled and then said to him: "Now I'm going downstairs, I have some business to attend to. See you later Buck. I am happy to have met the man I had heard so much about "

"I'm happy too. Thanks and sorry again "

"Forgiven".

Jane closed the door and stepped out with a broad smile on her lips and a heart full of joy.