I'll Be Waiting (Adele)
Santana's POV
Can you answer my call, please?-Santana
I'd been calling Walker all day, and she hasn't responded, so finally, I broke down and texted her.
Are you drunk?-Walker
No. Sober. Just give me five minutes. That's all I'm asking.-Santana
Did you go to a meeting today?-Walker
I did. I just got back, and I also talked to CiCi.-Santana
Promise me.-Walker
I promise you that I am sober and clear-headed.-Santana
You're in luck. I'm across the street from your place. Charlie is trying out for lacrosse on the McKinley field. If you can, come over, bring Britt. Heather is here.-Walker
I looked over to the couch where my wife was drooling against my robe that she insisted she couldn't sleep without.
Britt's passed out. I'll come alone.-Santana
See you soon, left side bleachers.-Walker
I sat on the recliner and put my sneakers on, feeling anxious about meeting Heather, talking to Walker, and potentially screwing up their family time, but I needed to talk to Walker.
"Where ya going?" Britt mumbled. I looked over, and she was squinting at me.
"I need air. Walker is over at the field with her wife. I was hoping to talk to her. Do you mind if I leave you for a bit?"
Britt sat up really fast and had to reach out and hold onto the couch to steady herself.
"I'm coming, I need to eat, and I have wanted to know her better. Then you, me, and the kids are going to get waffles at We Lime. Q needs the night off."
"Mami has them, remember?"
Britt stared at me blankly, and then her brain caught up.
"Right. Date night?"
"Actually, B...Mami is having a family dinner in your honor."
"Is she? Was this supposed to be a surprise?"
I shrugged.
"Kinda."
"Then I'll act surprised. Are we coming back here before we go to your mom's?"
"Yes. It shouldn't t-take long. I just need to make sure we're good. I didn't like how things went down between us. She's my only friend here. When you and Q go back, I need to know that I will still have my network. Does that make sense?"
"Totally. Can you hand me my sneakers?"
Britt took my hand as we crossed the street and didn't let go once we were on the other side.
"Why's she here?"
"Charlie is trying out for lacrosse."
"He's in high school?"
"Middle school, but I think they use McKinley's field for games and stuff."
"Cool."
She kissed my forehead and then, let me lead the way once we were on the track, headed to the bleachers. Her hand was warm, and the hold she had on me was casual yet supportive. She had her own stuff going on that she avoided telling me, but she was still there by my side.
When it counted.
She was my very best friend, and in these little moments, she made sure to show me how much she loved me.
I could see Walker cuddled next to a woman, both of them clutching cups and staring down at the field.
"On second thought, maybe we should wait until the tryout is over." I said, stopping at the bottom of the bleachers.
"Does she know you're coming?"
"Yes."
"Then we should go up there."
"Are you going to be able to handle it? I still don't know what's going on, but if you can't climb the stairs-"
She rolled her eyes and took the lead, pulling me up the stairs with her.
Thank goodness for B's knack for always being able to just throw everyone around her off by just how sweet she can be.
Walker and Heather caught her up on how the tryout was going while I sat there just watching Charlie kickass.
As the kids broke to prepare for a scrimmage, Walker pointed to me, "Ready?"
I nodded, following her off the bleachers and down to the balcony that overlooked the field.
She glanced back at our wives, who were wrapped up in an excitable conversation.
"Well, they're hitting it off." I said, trying to break the ice. Walker sighed and looked heartbroken for a moment. That's when I remembered. "Is the divorce still, you know, happening?" I felt like an idiot for forgetting.
"She came back a month early just so that we could go to therapy and work through this rough patch." Then she looked at me and rolled her eyes. She was fighting back the tears. "Charlie told her that you and I were dating. She got jealous. That's why I asked you to bring Brittany. I'm glad you changed your mind."
"Britt insisted on coming. She has crazy timing and instincts, and maybe this was one of them."
"That's the nicest thing I've ever heard you say about her."
"It's true. I do love her...but I can also see what you meant about her bringing me down. I got drunk this morning, and I don't want it to be a problem."
"You don't think it's already a problem?" Her tone was more concerned than accusatory, which made a world of difference. My sisters were always policing me, but Walker had been where I stand, she'd done this addict game almost way longer than I had, which was the main reason I trusted her.
"I do. It's not on the level of coke by any means, but it's becoming a cr-crutch. I think I needed to tell you that. I needed to be honest with you because you matter to me. I never want to hurt you or push you towards losing everything you've worked so hard for. I want to be just as amazing a friend to you, that you have been to me."
"Hmm." She said and then looked at the field. The kids were lining up for the scrimmage. She took a moment to take a few pictures on her phone.
"Thank you for letting me distract you...just for a little."
"What are you going to change?"
"Huh?"
"Tonight, there's a dinner party at your mom's, right?"
"Yeah."
"Will there be alcohol?"
"Probably."
"Were you planning on drinking?"
"I was before all of this happened. I don't need to drink to have a good time. It's always been secondary."
"Try to keep it that way."
"I will."
"Tomorrow, maybe, we can meet at the Bean. All of us. It will be good for Heather to see you aren't a threat."
"I can do that."
"Good...make sure you say goodbye to Heather before you two leave."
Brittany's POV
What my wife didn't say was that she had made this a dinner party with more than just our families...at least not until we were at her mom's. She'd packed for us both, and when we got there, I heard the loud cackle of Mercedes.
I turned to Ana, and she smirked.
"I might have invited glee peeps...just a few, though. The cool people."
"How many?" I said, feeling like I just wanted to crawl under a rock and die.
"Aside from Mami, Pa, and your parents...six maybe."
"Promise me that it won't be more than that, please, baby?"
"Well, our kids too."
"Of course...promise me."
"I p-promise." She stuttered out, and I just nodded, not wanting to make her more anxious than she had been since her talk with Walker an hour before.
When I asked what they talked about, she just shook her head and changed the subject to tonight.
Because I feel like shit on the bottom of a giant's foot, I didn't argue.
Instead, I just blindly followed behind her and tried to blend into nothingness.
The pain had been small when I woke up but sitting on that cold bleacher for a half-hour brought all the pain right back.
"Go say hi to everyone. I'm going to head upstairs with our stuff." I kissed her face and then left her standing there as I headed upstairs.
It was still early, maybe I could manage another nap.
When I got to her old bedroom, there was Izzy passed out on the bed with Dani asleep a few feet away.
It was like a sign.
So I unpacked our overnight bag and then texted Ana.
Gonna nap a little. Wake me when it's time to get ready.-Britt
Sweet dreams, babe.-Ana
The moment I got the okay from her, I took off my shoes and pants, then I crawled into the bed and pulled Izzy against me.
He let out this sweet little sigh that 100% made sure I went to sleep with a smile on my face.
Grady had gotten so deep in my head that for a point in time, I really denied the only two people in the world who look at me with so much love. I was their parent, I did all the things that a parent does. I even stepped up and protected them when Ana had gone off the rails.
I was their Mama and I will never fully forgive myself for doubting that even for a second.
Ana had told me about Izzy taking off his diaper and throwing it, at the time I thought it was funny. Still, now that I've been woken up by a sticky hand slapping my face and a puddle of warm pee against my bare legs, it's not a joke.
I opened my eyes and Izzy was staring at me with wide eyes, waiting for my response.
"I pee." He said when he knew I was awake.
"You did. Why did you take off your diaper."
"Icky."
"Icky?"
He shook his head and scratched at his butt. "Icky."
It took a moment but I understood.
"Itchy?" I asked and he nodded.
"Do you have a rash, Buddy?"
I sat up, ignoring the pee for a second, and pulled him into my lap, examining his butt and upper legs. The rash on his skin was blistering and looked like it hurt more than it itched.
Was this what Quinn had been pissed about?
So much info had been flying at me for days that it was hard to remember what was said when and who said it and why.
"Bath time, Buddy."
"No." He said, shaking at the thought.
"Izzy you need a bath and I need to get your pee off of me."
"NO!" He yelled it this time.
The door to the room opened and Gladys came in, looking like a bum in sweats.
"What's going on?"
"He peed and he's got this terrible rash."
"I know, when he got here it was even worse. I just gave your wife a talking to about it. She's been distracted."
"Do you have any of that salve stuff, he needs to soak."
"I'll take care of the kids, that's my job tonight, Hector and I will stay up here with them while you go downstairs and hang out with your friends."
"I'd rather hang out up here."
"Well she has missed your last few birthdays for one reason or another, she really wanted to celebrate you. It's the most focused I have seen her since you arrived, let her do this, and then tomorrow and however long, you can relax."
"Fake it, 'til I feel it, then?"
"Exactly. I took your stuff to the guest room while you were sleeping. Go shower in there, this is the kids' room tonight."
"Oh. Okay. Thanks, Ma."
Santana's POV
I should have canceled the party when I knew she didn't feel well but I was certain she could pull it together.
And I was right, she smiled and laughed with everyone.
When it came time to make a toast, I had poured wine for everyone except myself. For me, it was just apple juice, and seeing that I was making an effort, Britt decided to have some too.
"To my wife, the reason that I'm a whole ass person. Happy birthday, baby Mama."
She smiled at me, her skin paler and her eyes more sunken in but she was pushing herself.
Mike pulled her into a conversation about the show and asked to see videos right around the time that Mercedes finally stopped staring me down and started bringing shit up that I wasn't in the mood for.
"What?" I growled.
"Nothing, girl."
"From the moment you saw me in the kitchen, you've been shooting me looks like you know something that I don't. Can you just spit it out, please?" I tried to sound nice and finally, her face split into a grin.
"I was trying to find the right moment to tell you that my manager and producer loved the song that you wrote...they also loved your voice."
"No shit."
"I'm serious. Do you have anything else in that mind of yours?"
"Of course, I've been writing songs since I was 13."
"Can I pay you for another one?"
I rolled my eyes.
"Mercedes, you don't have to pay me for a song. I can write you whatever, just tell me the sound you're looking for and give me credit when you win a Grammy."
"Oh, praise! Yes, you got it, girl." She hugged me and I finally stopped being a prickly ass.
"I love you, thanks for making some of my dream come true."
"I love you too, I'd love to do more but I know you are working on becoming a mogul."
"I already am a mogul, I'm just letting everyone in on the secret."
Britt hung in there until we saw off the last person and then she dropped the façade.
"I need to sleep."
"Okay, B. Let's go."
"Yeah?"
"Yup."
"Will you hold me all night?"
"If that's what you want." I pulled her gently up the steps and then began to strip her clothes off when we got in the room, and she let me right until I got to her pants.
"I can do the rest. Thanks, baby." She kissed my forehead and then pushed past me, shutting herself in the bathroom.
Still with the secrets.
What the hell was she hiding from me?
I checked in on the kids, they were on the floor with Hector, crawling around and squealing. I knew if they saw me, Daniela would want my boobs so I quietly ducked out and nearly ran straight into Mami.
"I saw you cleaned up, I told you the cleaning woman was coming tomorrow."
"Yeah, I know but Mercedes and Tina insisted on helping to clean up. Mike had Britt laughing and I didn't want to ruin that. She's not feeling too great."
"I can see that."
"She's hiding something, Mami."
"I know."
"Wait, do you know what it is?"
"I do but I'm not supposed to. Her mother told me and no, I won't tell you."
"What good is it that you and Susan are friends if you can't spare me the freaking game of Clue?"
"In her time, not yours, Mi'ja."
The words made me think of Carmen and all that she had sacrificed...then I was thinking about Nico and everything that involved that shit show. Britt had been through so much, and if she wanted to keep something to herself, so be it.
"You're right. Thank you for taking care of the kids."
"Remember the trade-off...you need to start clearing out your stuff."
"I know, I know. You'll be good with them for one more day, right? Q is leaving tomorrow and I promised to take her to the airport."
"That's fine. Go enjoy your night and I'll bug you if I need you." She kissed my cheeks and then went into my old bedroom, closing the door and leaving me standing in a dark hallway with a million thoughts on my mind.
Namely, my wife. I could back off for now but I still needed to keep an eye out on her.
I owed her that much since she came home at my request. I had promised her that she'd heal better here, and I would make sure that I kept my word.
Britt seemed committed to the idea of doing some stuff on her own, like showering and dressing, so I gave her space. I went down to Papi's office and sat behind his desk. Then I was thinking about what came next.
Mami had asked me to clear out certain rooms of the house, that office being number one. It had become a shrine to my father, right down to the papers on his desk that were collecting dust.
Papi had been gone for two years now, it was long overdue that I got some cleaning done.
I started with his drawers and stopped immediately.
One of the drawers was just stuffed with pictures, each in a neat stack with each of his girls' names on them.
I picked up my stack. Despite years of feeling like Papi hated me, there were pictures of me at each of my piano recitals, ones from my single recital in ballet. There were dozens of me at football games in my Cheerios uniform. Among the pictures were little cut out of pictures I drew and folded up certificates I had gotten. He'd been way more sentimental than I had ever thought.
There was a stack for each daughter, with Brenda's being the biggest.
I wanted to rifle through it but I felt like I couldn't without my sisters, which got me thinking about the next time I would see them. I had gotten seven days of them after rehab and then hadn't really talked to them since.
So, even though it was nearing midnight, I decided to call Sandra.
"What's wrong?" She said as she looked at me. I wiped at my tears and smiled at her.
"I missed you."
She sat up and turned on the light. There was a shift next to her and then Celia's face popped over her shoulder.
"Is that Ana, what's wrong?" Ceily asked.
"Is Mari gonna pop up next?"
"She's in the nursery with the kids, Norah had a bad dream, want me to get her?" Ceily asked.
"Actually, yeah."
While Celia was gone, Sandra stared past me.
"You're in Papi's office."
"Yup."
"Did you find something?"
"I did but I want to wait for the girls."
She nodded and then yawned.
"Are you coming home for Thanksgiving? I miss those babies."
"Uh...I haven't thought about it, I guess I should figure that out."
"Yeah, that would be nice."
"Let me talk to Britt and Mami, see what they're doing, and then I'll let you know asap."
Once Mari was in the room, asking just like the other two, what was wrong and I just chuckled.
"So, I started cleaning out Papi's desk and I came across these stacks of pictures tied up with twine with a sticker for each of us."
All of their eyes got wide and then Mari asked, "Does Brenda have one?"
I pointed the camera to the stacks that I had put on the desktop.
"Hers is the biggest. I didn't check, I couldn't without you guys."
"Open it." Sandra said.
"Please." Ceily whispered.
"Wait." Mari said and then she took a few deep breaths before wiping away dry tears. "Okay, I'm ready."
We spent the next half hour going through each photo. There were pictures of all of the boys at different stages, fresh out of the womb, and school pictures. I paused when I saw a fat envelope folded in the middle of the stack. I showed it to the girls and they didn't even have to say it. I opened it and there were countless letters all to Papi. She'd sent him these pictures. Attached to each letter, was a copy of Papi's reply.
For so long we thought they were at odds but apparently, they just communicated differently.
"Can you bring my stack when you come for Thanksgiving?" Ceily asked.
"I'm not sure I'm coming but I can overnight them to you." I said.
"How could you not come for the biggest family holiday on the planet?" Mari asked.
I didn't have time to answer because the three of them started talking for me. Then the door to the study opened, Britt looked like a zombie as she lingered there. She looked around and I realized that she had never really seen this room. It had been off-limits to her.
"Yo, I'll let you know if I'm coming. I need to get some rest. I love you. That's really why I called, I needed to tell you all that."
"We love you!" They chorused and then the call ended.
"You ready for bed, baby?" She asked, sounding like high school Brittany.
"Yeah, sorry. I was giving you space."
"Are you still going to hold me?" She squeaked, sounding sad.
"Duh."
My response made her smile as she took my hand.
Her skin was cold to the touch and I knew that I'd need to wear clothes tonight if I was going to hold her.
It was worth it.
Love was always possible, that was what Papi had just taught me.
It reminded me of that Neruda poem about hiding love between the shadow and the soul, to keep it safe.
Maybe that was what Papi did and that must have been where I had learned it from.
Loving people out in the open had always been hard for me, at least I came by it honestly.
Brittany's POV
My heart has been so cold for days...weeks...I'm not even sure just how long anymore.
I keep reaching for that happiness that got me through high school and helped me to stay positive through everything.
My well has dried and there didn't seem to be any way to replenish it.
I had tried so hard to pull myself up and push myself but Ana always has this way to break past all that.
As she was drifting off, she looked me straight in my eyes and smiled.
"You know, B. No matter what you feel like you can't tell me, know that I love you still. I won't ever stop loving you." Then she kissed my nose and fell asleep.
She was snoring seconds later and looked so beautiful, I knew then that I could watch her forever. Her arm was tucked around my waist and her leg was thrown over mine, she held me with her whole body and I never wanted her to let me go.
All-day long I had been giving her everything that I felt strong enough to give her without breaking myself apart.
I'd been giving her all of the truths that I was sure of, even if I couldn't say that out loud. I was trying to let her know that even with all the heavy shit going on in my head and in m heart, she would always be my future even if it was like far in the future.
Everything felt different now, it was always before the procedure and after for me.
She was doing so well before I got to Lima and she was slipping before my eyes, today she made me proud. She sobered up, went to a meeting, and then admitted to Walker and then later to me that she was developing an alcohol problem.
It wasn't a craving, just a crutch and she wanted to get it under control. She has always been a force of nature and I just know that she is the best friend that I have ever had, she has been my protector and my comfort and I have never needed her more than right now.
All that I'm certain that I can be for her right now, is...better...that's about it.
I had been terrible to her.
Those days that I spent alone in my office had been days full of reflection.
I took a step back and looked at my life and I definitely didn't like what I saw.
Who had I become?
What did I look like in her eyes?
All I knew as I watched her sleep was that the way she looks at me isn't the same, no matter how she tries to hide it, I can see her pity...and I'll do anything to get that look to go away.
I managed to get about four hours of sleep which was a huge improvement over what I had been getting when I wasn't being held in her arms.
After a night of some actual sleep, I was reluctant to move but my bladder ached.
"Go to the bathroom, B...you're squirming." She mumbled against my neck.
I guess she does still know some things about me.
Her voice was deep and sexy, it made me feel sexy for the first time in months.
"You're pretty." I said to her, trying to hold back my squirming.
"Go, pee, I'll still be pretty when you get back."
"Are you sure?" I asked, which was silly because she was holding me and not the other way around.
"Of course I'm sure. Now, go." She lifted her arm and then I felt her shift.
I sat up and so did she, her hands rubbing at her boobs.
"You okay?"
"Just full and I have to pump and dump."
"You want me to get your pump?"
"No...I'll get it...go pee." She smiled, climbed out of the bed, and walked out of the room.
I felt so relieved as I sat in the bathroom and collected my thoughts.
The clock on the wall told me that it was just past four in the morning but I knew that I'd slept all that I could, my body could only go so long without movement.
I was wide awake.
When I returned to the room, she still wasn't back so I headed towards her old bedroom. She was sitting in the middle of the bed with Dani in her lap, latched on one boob while she pumped the other.
I was surprised that she was feeding the baby even though she said she'd pump and dump.
Izzy was asleep next to her. She looked so peaceful as she stared out the window at the treehouse, trapped in her own thoughts.
I didn't want to bother her...but I didn't really want to be alone either.
So I just lingered in the doorway until the machine buzzed. She eased the baby off of her and laid her back next to Izzy.
I watched as she made a fort around them with all the pillows.
She quietly walked the pump into the bathroom and I could hear the water running. I went further inside and dropped light kisses on my babies' heads.
When Ana came out of the bathroom, she flinched when she saw me.
"When did you come in?"
"I just came to check on you, I thought you said you were dumping?"
"Yeah, I know...she was whining and there wasn't any milk in the minifridge...I didn't think it would do too much harm. I only had two glasses."
"I don't know, baby, maybe don't do that anymore."
"Right, I know. That's why I dumped the rest."
"Okay. Good."
"Want to go back to bed?"
"Actually...I'm not really tired...are you?"
"I don't need to sleep like other people do." She said a sad smile on her face. "At least when I'm awake, I can fight my demons."
"Whoa, where'd that come from?" Is this what her being zoned out was about.
"I just have stuff on my mind. Should I call Walker and see if she wants to meet us for coffee?"
"Yeah, I like her wife. She's adorable and, she told me that she might know some people who would back the show."
"That's awesome."
I kissed her face and tried to swallow back nausea that I normally felt in the mornings. I needed to take painkillers but I needed to be alone...at least until I got it together.
"Go ahead, call her and leave a note for your mom. I'm gonna get ready." Her face dropped but she quickly put on a smile. My pulling away was hurting her but I was doing this to save her sanity. I could carry my own burden. She couldn't fix everything.
Is car trouble a bad sign?
My truck died and when Mr. Hummel came to tow it he said that it probably was on its last leg.
Ana was a good sport about it...she simply pulled me towards the car she'd been using the last few months.
She even let me drive.
I could see that she was doing her best to get herself into a good headspace. She kept shooting me looks and smirks as we headed towards the Lima Bean.
She looked leaned over the console and kissed my cheek.
"I love you, B."
"I love you too."
Every time I have felt unsteady, I have taken her hand just in case I go down but it's worked as a double purpose because each time I do it, she smiles and I would do anything to make her smile.
We stood in line people watching, whispering about people like we used to and it was like for that little piece of time, all the drama hadn't happened, I just had my girl by my side.
And then reality came crashing back...like always.
"Welcome to the Lima Bean!" Ana's head shot up when she saw the person on the other side of the register.
"Karofsky, I thought you didn't do Sundays." she said as she got up to the counter.
"Hi, Britt! I didn't know you were in town, it's good to see you." he said in a really chipper, fake voice, completely ignoring Ana.
"How are you?" I asked as Ana stared up at the menu behind him with disinterest. She was totally annoyed by his presence and I wasn't quite sure why.
"I'm good...working here to pay for school. Just needed to stay busy."
Ana scoffed but still pretended to be ignoring the conversation.
"I know how that is. Busy is a good thing...I'll have a large hot chocolate with extra whip cream and Santana will have a...bottle of water and a large coconut caramel latte."
He nodded as he scribbled our orders onto two cups and then handed them to the barista before he came back and punched in the amount.
"Anything else for you ladies?"
He looked like he was actively trying to smile at Ana but she was now hovering over the display area and ignoring him.
"Ana? Do you want anything else?" She looked at me and then shook her head before reaching forward and grabbing her water from the countertop.
"That will be $20.87."
Ana pulled a fifty out of her bra and put it on the counter.
"Keep the change...I'm sure you need it." Ana said in a cold voice before walking over to the barista and striking up a cheerful conversation.
That wasn't very nice.
She had never flaunted her money in anyone's face...what had changed?
When I looked up at Dave, I could see that his ears were red, and looked completely embarrassed.
I smiled the best that I could.
And here I thought that her bullying days were over.
"Thank you very much!" I said before turning and walking towards Ana who was obviously flirting with the hot barista.
What the hell was going on?
Ana smiled at me as she handed me my hot chocolate.
Was she hoping for a certain reaction?
Was she testing me?
"Walker bailed on us, something about another tryout for Charlie, so it's just us." She was clearly annoyed but she kept smiling, kept trying to hold up this fake happiness and I hated every second of it.
"Do you want to stay here or maybe we can go for a walk in the park?" I asked.
"Anywhere but here...please?" She said as she walked ahead of me.
We definitely needed to talk about the attitude shift. I spent way too much time in high school ignoring the things that she'd done and the way that she mistreated people.
She was a mother now, she couldn't act like that anymore.
Not if we were going to be together again.
We walked across the roadside by side, but I kept my mouth shut.
Ana is a complex person at times but once you get to know her, she's always the same on the most basic levels.
If I asked her to explain herself before she was ready and relaxed, she would snap, and I was so not in the mood to be snapped at so I waited until we were far enough from the Lima Bean.
Once we crossed into the park, I linked pinkies with her and pulled her down to the pond where the ducks were.
I led us to our old bench at the furthest end of the lake near the walking trail and sat down.
She plopped down beside me and before I could even say a word, and she surprised me by not making me pry the words out of her.
"I'm sorry that I was such a bitch back there. I just hate having to see Karofsky's stupid smiling face. When Walker is around, I try to hold it in but the way he just smiled in your face pissed me the fuck off."
"Wow."
She looked at me but I didn't look back at her, I kept my eyes forward as I watched a duck family swim across the lake all in a row. Swimming their own way but all together. That's how I wanted to be with her.
But not if she can just throw around the word stupid so easily. I thought I had gotten her to stop saying that and at some point, she knew that she got under my skin with comments like that.
Don't even get me started on her throwing money around, it was such a turn-off and I felt more disappointed in her at that moment than when I discovered all those wine bottles which is saying something.
I didn't want to be mad at her though, so I just took deep breaths and watched the lake because the ducks calmed me, it was the most peaceful thing that I knew how to do when I felt like this.
Controlling my rage was helped by my meds but also just the peace of the water. It was what I missed the most when I was in the busy streets of the city.
She sighed and then took a huge gulp of her coffee before she spoke again.
"I slept with him...way back when you were with Artie...back before he was out."
"Gross." I muttered.
She sighed. "When he found out that I had been an escort and that I was having a baby...I still haven't figured out how...he harassed the shit out of Ian. He kept telling him how he was having a baby with a whore. He did it all the way up until Ian killed himself...I had thought that I put a stop to it but Tor told me that he was constantly calling Ian...that he even approached her a few times."
"Why would he do that? Did she tell Sue?"
"I told Sue."
"Good."
"You know that he actually told her that I was a money-hungry slut. He's always been annoyed because he couldn't fake being straight...like I could...he told Tor that I used Ian and that I didn't give a shit about him. He called my kids bastards. He said I was with you because you were stupid enough to just go along with my shit."
I flinched. "He did?"
"Yeah, how can I forgive that, B?"
I scooted closer and just wrapped an arm around her.
"I don't think you have to." I said before leaning in and kissing her temple.
We didn't need any more words at that moment.
She explained herself and even though I was kind of annoyed that she had acted that way, she had a reason and I couldn't be angry with her for it.
For her, that had been nice considering how he had been.
"I'm a work in progress, B." She said like she was the only one.
"So am I, Ana, more than you know."
Santana's POV
What the hell did that even mean?
She couldn't keep shit to herself and then drop things like that in my lap and not expect me to pry.
But I had already tested her patience with throwing my money on the counter, I knew it would bother her which is why I walked away. I couldn't bear to disappoint her yet again.
After her infuriating statement, she got up and walked down to the water, it was like she was drawn to it.
There was a time that I felt the same way but after that boat dream with Isaac when I was pregnant and then nearly drowning in the Fabray's pool, water hasn't given me the same peaceful vibes that it gave my wife.
Still, it felt like this moment was important and I couldn't let it pass. How often had we not talked about shit, only for it to bite us in the ass later. So I got up and walked down towards the waterline.
My instinct was to reach out and touch her but it was evident that I needed to wait for her to touch me. She was on edge, Grady and the abortion had done a number on her. She was ghost of herself.
When she reached out and found my hand though, I knew she was trying, even in her pain and I had to meet her where she was.
I needed to stop expecting her next move. I had to manage what I thought of her and just lean into what she needed in that moment.
"I just wish you had told me about Dave sooner. We could have talked it through. You shouldn't be carrying anger like that, trust me it hurts everyone involved."
"I did tell you though, just now without being asked." I was on the defensive, I just couldn't help myself. "When have you known me to offer up explanations...truthful ones without being asked?"
"I know, you just still have this whole OTHER life I don't know about. I took a bullet from a man that I don't even know but you know him, right?" I nodded and tried to smile but she wasn't looking at me. Her eyes stayed on the water. "There is so much I don't understand about you. I want to know you better. I want us to have that link between us, where I could read you like Ari or Quinn can. Like we used to be before Marco and Ian."
"I want that too."
"Yeah but there's a wall though... there are miles between us even with you standing right next to me. It used to be just on your side but now there's one on mine and I don't know how to get past it."
"I know, what can I do to convince you that you can rely on me, Britt Britt?"
"I want you to love me again."
"I do love you, I never stopped for a second."
"You love who I was...but I don't think you can even begin to say you love me as I am now. I don't think you really knew me even back then. You didn't even know I was on medication and we had been dating for a year."
"That still shocks me." I admitted as I kicked at the ground in front of me.
"I used to almost be as good as you with my secrets. Now though...I'm starting to realize that the secrets we kept and that we still keep are poisoning our relationship. I think for us to trust each other we need to lay it all out...everything."
"Everything?" I could hear how tight my voice sounded. I wrapped my arms around myself, seeking the comfort that she wasn't giving me.
"Everything and just so that you can be comfortable...I can go first. I can open up to you. Tell you the stuff that I have always kept to myself...what do you think?"
She finally turned to look at me and saw that she was even paler. Her lips were swollen from her biting them.
I hated it when she was nervous with me when I was supposed to be her person.
"How about truth for truth?" She finally said as she shifted her eyes to meet mine. Her walls were completely down, she was completely open to me at that moment and I was so grateful for it after days of her avoiding me.
"Are you sure you can handle that?" I asked and then she sucked in a shaky breath and then shook her head.
"Probably not but I can't keep waiting until I'm ready. I need to open up...I know that." I watched her take a few more shaky breaths, tears welling in her eyes as she pressed her to her stomach. "My baby is gone, Ana. I'm not sure I'll ever be the same but I need to try."
It hurt more than just me...I could see the pain in her eyes as she glanced towards my stomach and then back up at me.
I turned her towards me, put a hand on her cheek, and the other, I slipped under her shirt to touch her stomach.
She hissed but didn't move me.
Progress.
"Whenever you're ready to talk to me, B. I'm here. I always will be."
She threw her body against me and hugged me tightly. I stood there holding her, listening to her little whimpers as she cried into my hair.
"Thank you." She finally said when she pulled away. I used my thumbs to wipe her tears and then I smiled at her, this time without anything behind it but love.
"Can I kiss you?" I asked her and she smiled before leaning down and kissing me.
In that kiss, I tried to transfer all of the calm and love that I possessed.
Brittany's POV
The kiss calmed an ache in my soul and made my body feel warmer. I had been carrying a coldness in my bones since that day at the clinic and no matter how much I moved or danced it never left me.
Not until now when Ana touched me.
There's this huge part of me that Grady has tainted by making me doubt her love for me but she is stronger than anything Grady could have said or done. Ana is everything.
After my breakdown, I took her hand, waited for that smile, and then we walked the trail around the lake.
It had been way too ambitious of me to take a mile walk like that, but I thought I could conquer my exhaustion with the warmth of her touch, but I could feel it seeping in.
On the walk back towards the parking lot, she seemed to be happier and bouncy. I liked her like this.
And I was convinced her silly, joyful side, was something she only gave to me.
"I love you." I whispered but she was so wrapped up in her excitement that she didn't hear me. I knew her response though.
She'd love me always, fuck what Grady thought, I already knew the truth of us.
"Hey, B?"
She stopped us and looked up into my eyes.
"Yea?"
"I'm hungry. Are you?" I've heard a million words from my wife but not even when she was pregnant did she ever say those words. So I was never going to turn her down, even though I was sick to my stomach from the long walk.
"Starving." I said as I looked at her with a smile on my face.
"We Lime?"
"Pancakes!" I said excitedly.
It had been a while since I had allowed myself to get this happy about anything...I think Ana brings it out of me with that smile of hers.
We were definitely making progress.
We walked slowly back across the road, pinkies linked and my mind going in circles.
It was definitely going to be tough being completely open with Ana but I knew that we needed this.
That I needed this.
We climbed back in the car and a chill ran through me.
Exactly what I had been hoping to avoid...just for today.
I was suddenly drained and was glad that the drive to We Lime wasn't that far.
Maybe I shouldn't have decided to drive again knowing how I felt but I wanted her to love me, I wanted Grady to not have the power in my head anymore. I took a breath and eased up on the gas, focusing on driving without making Ana worry.
I could feel her eyes on me and so I stared even harder on the road.
Somehow we got there...it was God or angels or Court.
The thought of my sister driving, without a license as an angel, made me giggle.
And even though she didn't know what I was giggling about, my wife giggled too as we pulled into a parking spot.
When I turned off the car sat back against the seat, I realized just how blurry my vision was. I just needed to swallow back nausea and make it to the table.
Focus Lopez.
"Britt Britt?"
I turned my head towards the sound of her voice and saw that she was standing with my door open and her hand out.
"How'd you move so fast?" I said as a lazy smile crossed my face.
"Come on...if we don't get some food in you...I'm scared that you might pass out."
I took a deep breath and pushed myself to stand up.
The world was spinning but I just allowed Ana to lightly pull me along.
I could feel the worry coming from her in waves and I hated it. She wasn't supposed to be worrying about me but I wasn't helping her to not worry. I felt delirious.
I don't remember walking into the restaurant or sitting down in a booth across from the prettiest woman in the world but it happened.
Somehow.
"B?"
My head shot up and I saw an intense concern written all over Ana's face.
"Yea?" I said as I looked back down at my menu trying to concentrate. It hadn't been this bad. I felt the gush and was thankful that I put a heavy-duty pad on this morning. Bleeding every single day since the procedure had been taking its toll on me but it had never gotten this bad.
The procedure had slowed it a little but now it seemed like it was just taking a break. Ana looked like she was near tears as she reached across the table and took my sweaty hand.
How far we had come, when she took my hand she didn't even look around to see if people were watching.
Living out and proud in New York had been good for her.
"You don't look so good...do you want to just go back to the house?"
I looked into her eyes and could see wrinkles etching themselves on her face.
"No. I'm fine. Just a little dizzy...I just need to eat something."
I tried to reassure her but it wasn't working.
"Are you sure?"
No. I wanted to say but I was being stubborn.
"Yea...here comes the waitress. Too late to back out now."
I flashed the waitress a smile and before she could introduce herself, I was ordering a huge stack of pancakes and some orange juice. Once the perky waitress left us alone again, Ana had returned to staring at me.
"You took all of your antibiotics a while back, right? All of them?"
It had been over a week, how was she just asking me that. I looked at her dumbstruck.
Was I that obvious?
At least I could be honest.
"Yes."
"Does this have to do with whatever you saw Dr. R for?"
My pancakes came just in time because I effectively ended the conversation by stuffing my mouth. Ana nodded and excused herself from the table. If I had to bet on it she was calling Dr. Ramirez.
She wasn't as sneaky as she thought she was. I continued to eat my food and ignore my body screaming at me. I didn't deserve to forget what I had done, so the pain and the ache would remain.
I didn't want to numb it.
"B?"
I closed my eyes for just a second but that had been all that was necessary.
I had fallen asleep.
I lifted my head and saw her standing at the end of my bench.
"Come on...I'm taking you to the hospital."
I looked at her in confusion.
We were supposed to be eating breakfast.
"No." I mumbled as I tried and failed to pick up my fork.
I was shaking badly, I hated that she was seeing me like this.
"I'm really worried B. I'll call an ambulance if I have to...you don't want that do you?"
She now had a hand on my arm and I knew she needed me to stand because I was too heavy for her to lift.
The ambulance was a threat because she knew I hated them, how they creeped me out.
So I stood on shaky legs and leaned against the wall.
Ana threw money on the table and asked the waitress to wrap our food while she took me to the car. She wrapped an arm around my waist and allowed me to lean against her.
Boy was I ever grateful for that because the moment that I took a step, my knees buckled but Ana was calm and collected as she got me out the door and strapped me into the car.
She had just closed my door when the waitress came out with our food.
"Keep me updated, Santana. Feel better Brittany."
I smiled and then closed my eyes. I felt like a heater was on my face but my teeth were chattering as I tried like hell to open my eyes.
"Do we know that girl?" I finally asked.
"Sunshine Corazon...She was in that weird turf war with Rachel...remember?"
"Oh...right, crack house." I mumbled.
I closed my eyes after that and didn't wake back up for a while. It was the best sleep that I had gotten in months.
Waking up in the same exact position you were in when you had an abortion is never a good thing. The moment that I realized that I was flat on my back with my knees open and my legs angled on those fucking foot things...I began to freak out.
I was sobbing as I tried to lift my arms but they were too heavy.
Not again.
"Shhh...it's okay...shhh...I'm here, B."
Ana's hand touched my forehead as she came into my line of vision. She had her arm wrapped over my stomach and was holding me still now. I stared at her lips and then her eyes. I wanted to scream but the tears were blocking my throat.
I calmed down as much as I could as I tried to focus only on her touch.
"What's...what's happening?" I whispered finally.
"You're just getting checked out...I'm here. Just try to relax. The doctor will be in here any second. Can you be brave for me...Britt Britt?"
I looked at her and shook my head. "No...I need to get up." I tried to sit up on my elbows but she pressed a firm hand on my chest so that I was lying flat again.
"You passed out in the car. You started...bleeding, Brittany. Tell me the truth...did you take the antibiotics?" She didn't look angry, just concerned.
"I did...for the first few days...then I spilled them...and...well...I was too embarrassed to go back to the pharmacy." I admitted.
She sucked in a breath and then rubbed at her forehead before dropping her hand down again.
"No more lies...okay." She said as she rubbed my stomach lightly.
My whole body was focused on that touch on my bare skin.
How was it possible for her to scold me and soothe me all at once?
Ana had managed to keep me calm until there was someone in the room with us.
Dr. Ramirez looked at me with pity and it made me angry.
Fuck...I forgot my medicine.
When was the last time that I took it?
Mom had made me take it...how long ago was that?
Ana still held me as the doctor moved around between my legs and then she pressed on my stomach and pain shot through my body. Ana kept her hands on either side of my face and sang softly to me as I whimpered through the exam.
She was the only thing that keeping me grounded.
Dr. Ramirez lowered my feet and then adjusted a pad under my butt before pulling the blanket down to cover me.
"I'm going to go consult with Dr. Cabot...and my fellows. I'll be right back. Santana, good job keeping her calm. The bleeding will be worse if she's worked up, so keep doing what you're doing."
"Will do, Doc. Hurry back."
When we were alone again, Ana helped me to sit up and fluffed pillows behind me.
She was delicate and sweet like the old Santana, and it made my head hurt.
I watched quietly as she pulled the chair over so that she was sitting against the bed and then she held my hand in both of hers and kept dropping kisses on my fingers.
"You really worried me, B." she said as she looked at me with a scrunched up face.
"I'm fine."
"No...you're not fine. You have gone way too long ignoring yourself. First your mental health and now your physical health. You're sick and you've been trying to hide it. I saw it this whole time and I shouldn't have let you lie to me."
"No...I didn't lie, I'm fine."
"Tell me that you aren't in pain...tell me that you feel perfectly normal."
"I can't." I finally admitted.
"Exactly, so shut up and let me take care of you. You've been taking care of me for so long and now it's time for you to let me return the favor. I mean have you seen my candy stripper costume, who wouldn't want me to nurse them back to health." She said with a wink before kissing my hand again.
People have always talked about how guarded Ana is, but she's not as guarded as I am in all reality. She has helped me protect my secrets and has allowed me to live in my own reality for way too long but now it was time to let her into my world.
Isn't this what I wanted?
Her to love me again?'
To reconnect?
This wasn't how I wanted it to happen though but my body had decided for me. I kept staring at her, trying my best to allow my guard down, but three doctors walked into the room before I could.
All of them had mixed expressions as they approached the bed.
One of them was Dr. Ramirez, the other I had never seen before, but the third...the one that looked the most distressed was Dr. J. We hadn't seen him in forever, so when he stood there looking between us, suddenly Ana looked nervous and scared.
If she was afraid...I should be too...right?
I looked over to the doctors and then I felt Ana kissing my hand again.
"What is it?" I finally asked as I pulled my hand into my lap.
I couldn't focus with Ana holding onto me so tightly.
"You have a bad infection...it's gotten into your bloodstream. If you hadn't come in today...you wouldn't have made it more than a few more days." Dr. J said as he walked around the bed and shined a light into my eyes. "We are going to keep you overnight, give you the best medicine to clear out this infection and you'll be on an antibiotic drip. The nurses tell me that you don't want pain medicine but with this kind of infection, the tension in your body from resisting the pain will only make it harder on you."
"I don't want them." I said, feeling tired but not wanting to be drugged more than necessary.
"Baby, let them give you something."
"No. Please." I whispered.
"Okay, but you'll tell me if it's too much, promise me." Ana looked angry.
"I will." I looked to Dr. J., "Can she stay with me?"
"You'll be in isolation from visitors but since she's already here, Santana can stay."
"I'm going to be okay...right?"
"Let's allow the medicine to do their job and then we will talk about how bad this is. I'm going to get your paperwork ready to get you admitted. You must be honest from here on out...any pains you might have...you page a nurse immediately. Santana...if she gets faint, passes out...you page me or Dr. Ramirez directly. Okay?"
How had we ended up like this?
I sat patiently as I got hooked up to an IV. Ana was anxious, so she brushed my hair up into a ponytail and hummed softly while we waited for me to get moved to a room.
When she finally sat down, I shifted in the bed and pushed through the pain of moving.
"I'm sorry that I ruined pancakes."
"You didn't ruin them, they are wrapped up, when you get your appetite back, we'll eat them."
"My appetite? How did you know?"
"You were rambling when we got here, you told me about your procedure the other day. That you froze your eggs...you told me how you haven't been keeping food down...about how you haven't stopped bleeding."
"Oh."
"I'm not mad. I'm not, just worried."
"You lie way worse since rehab." I said and she smirked.
"That's Doc's fault, she made me honest and shit."
"It's okay to be mad."
"No, it's not. I'll be mad at you when you can fight back. Right now, I'm just worried about you Britt Britt."
"Why?"
"Because I love you."
The words were effortless for her.
Even after everything that Grady had said.
Ana still loved me.
How could I ever doubt that?