A/N: After four deletions and three chapter songs, I have finally landed with this. My heart has been so heavy lately, and my mind has been full...I came back as soon as I was ready to deliver acceptable content. I hope the length makes up for my prolonged absence. Enjoy.
Clocks (Coldplay)
December
Santana's POV
Something that I've always admired about my wife is her ability to compartmentalize the bullshit in her life. It was a trait that I had been trying to mimic for years and never got quite right.
After everyone was in bed, she grabbed my laptop and then sat next to me with a grin on her face.
"What's that face about?" I asked as I absently checked my emails.
"Well...as you know, Christmas is only a few weeks away, and we haven't put up a single decoration...we haven't really done any shopping for presents either. Since it's our first real Christmas with the kids and all of us healthy, I thought we could do some shopping."
"Now?"
She grinned and nodded.
"Yes."
"What did you have in mind?"
"I found this Christmas store in Hoboken; they have fake trees and every kind of decoration you could imagine."
"Oh yeah? Do they deliver because I don't know about you, but I am so not in the mood to go to New Jersey?"
"They do, but the delivery charge into the city is super expensive...I know you can afford it, but don't you think it would be better to just go together?" She was pouting and giving me sad puppy eyes. "Please?"
"Are they open tomorrow?"
"Yup!"
"Okay, fine, but you're driving!"
"Awesome!" She said and then pouted again.
"What?"
"Can we take the kids to see Santa?"
"Oh God...seriously?"
"Please? I think we all really need this."
We'd been through hell in the past two years, and while nothing could erase our past, we certainly could start making some amazing memories for the kids.
"Sure, but not tomorrow, shopping and decorating will be a lot. Let's go on Sunday and drag Quinn along...she needs to be on runaway toddler duty if we are going to take on the mall. Deal?"
"Deal."
"Can we cuddle now?"
"Of course."
I fell asleep in Britt's arms with her happily humming; I woke up with a splitting headache and a smoker's cough.
Britt was pouting again as she shoved a thermometer in my mouth. I felt terrible for ruining her plans. Seeing her sad face made me feel so fucking guilty for all the cigarettes that I'd been sneaking out on the patio.
"Did you plan this?" She muttered as she looked at it. "You definitely have a fever; you already had this; how did it come back?"
"I can still go." I went to get out of bed, and she shoved me back until I was lying against the mountain of pillows she'd fluffed.
"No. You will stay here. I will ask Quinn if she wants to go. If she doesn't want to, then I'll just go by myself."
"Or you could ask Ari."
"No. Seeing her at work is enough. I know that I've been all cool about it, but I'm still pissed that you two had sex. I'm trying to be grown-up about it, but it still stings...seeing her more than I have to isn't going to help me move on."
"Right. Sorry."
"It's fine. Are you hungry?"
"Yeah...can you make me some oatmeal?"
"Sure, baby. Relax, I'll go talk to Quinn and make you breakfast." Her face was all scrunched up while she typed into her phone, making a list like I had taught her to. Then she smirked, kissed my forehead, and left me alone.
After she made me breakfast, watched me take medicine, and found me a babysitter, Britt was left with Sal, Quinn, and the kids.
I fell asleep soon after and woke up to Mari looking down at me in concern.
"What?!" I croaked, and she gave me her bad news smile. I hadn't seen it since I was in the ICU and God, did I hate it. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
"You're lungs sound like shit." She put her stethoscope back around her neck. "The rest of your vitals are fine. Do you have a nebulizer?"
"No. Isaac does."
"Where do you keep it?"
"His closet."
"I'll be right back."
I nodded and then made my way to the bathroom. My reflection was horrendous. My skin was blotchy, and my eyes were bloodshot.
After peeing forever, I brushed my teeth before heading back to bed.
My sister was waiting with the nebulizer set up and waving my secret pack of cigarettes. I had hidden them behind the hot tub on the patio, but apparently, that was a shitty hiding spot.
"You've been smoking."
"I know."
"Are you trying to kill yourself?"
"No."
"Then stop being an idiot."
"Noted."
"This is the worst of it, right?"
I nodded and then happily took the mask, pulling it over my face before she could ask me anything else.
The last thing I wanted was an interrogation.
Even if I was sober.
Brittany's POV
Thank goodness, Sal decided to take his own car.
After four hours of shopping, we took all four of the kids out for lunch and dessert before heading back to the apartment.
I don't know how Sal did it, but he convinced Mari to take the kids for the night while getting everything perfect.
She gave me a list of instructions for taking care of Ana as if I hadn't done that before, but then she handed me a half-full pack of cigarettes and shook her head.
"Did you know?"
"I suspected, but I couldn't prove it."
"Well, she's already been yelled at and lectured. Her mom stopped by with soup and forced her into one of those baths; she's up in the loft."
"The loft?"
"She had a burst of energy and wanted to write."
I had plans for the loft, and I needed her in bed to do them.
"How long has she been up there?"
"An hour. Do you want me to check on her before I go?"
"No, I got it. Thanks, Mari, for everything."
"Anytime, sis." She said and kissed my face. I waited until I closed the door behind her before wiping my eyes. She'd called me sis...it was the first time that anyone had since Court.
I'd been trying so hard to fill my time with other things, knowing that the anniversary of my sister's death was coming...she loved Christmas. Some of this was for her.
"B?" Ana stepped out of the elevator with a notebook in her hands and a worried look on her face. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah...I was just thinking of Court."
She held her arms open, and I walked across the room, lifted her in my arms, and walked us back towards the room.
We passed Quinn and Beth as they came from the bathroom. "Should I get started?" She called after me.
"Please?"
"Come on, Beth, let's put on some decorating music."
Ana held me as I cried; she kept kissing my face and rubbing my back.
"Is this why you wanted to decorate right away?"
"Kind of."
"Then you should; I'm exhausted." She gave this fake little stretch, but there was something else in her eyes.
"How did the writing go?"
"Good...I mean, I wish I didn't have to go all the way upstairs to play. I think I need a keyboard in here."
"Is that a Christmas gift request?" She was sitting in my lap already, so I kissed her cheeks and then dropped my voice deep. "Ho, Ho, Ho...what else do you want, baby love?"
She giggled and then tapped her chin with her finger as she thought. "Hmmm...A keyboard, a spa day, a shopping spree, a record player, records, music books...and um...a B coupon book."
I was shocked that she remembered my first Christmas gift to her. I had slipped it in her locker; it was a coupon book for sweet lady kisses, tickles, and a few no-questions-asked ones.
She used those first, always in situations when she didn't want to explain a new bruise from her dad or why she was crying or fighting. I hadn't given her another book after finding a way to get the no-questions-asked coupons back, and she kept giving them to me. I stopped asking about the bruises, and it just became something unspoken between us. Still, honestly, it was the perfect gift for someone who could afford to buy themselves anything.
"Okay, have you been good this year?" I teased, and she bit her lip.
"Yes?"
"Are you asking me?"
"Well, for most of the year, I've been good."
"Are you sure?"
"This isn't fun anymore." She muttered and buried her face against my neck. I had taken my teasing too far, obviously. I held her in my arms and rocked her to the music that was blasting through the apartment.
"I love you. I am going to make sure this Christmas is the BEST."
"Promise?"
"Yup."
I dumped her on the bed, and she scowled at me; I kissed her a few times until her dimples were dug deep into her cheeks as she smiled. "What about you, B? What do you want?"
"I want to give the kids and your new traditions."
"But like, from me?"
"The best gift that you could give me is taking care of my wife. You haven't done such a good job of that, and it's all I want from you."
"Oh."
"And maybe...if you want...a family trip far away. Just the four of us would be amazing."
Her grin got wider. "You got it, B."
"Do you want to come to sit out there while we decorate?" I asked her, hoping she'd say no because I really did want to surprise her.
"Nah, I want to be surprised...I trust you."
Even a year after I had put her in that coma, it still made my body hot, and my pride swells to hear her say those three words.
She hated surprises because they never were good, but she was trusting me to knock her socks off.
Challenge accepted.
Santana's POV
Beyoncé had told me to update her with any progress that I had made, and I had yet to do that.
Sure it had only been a few days, but you don't just keep Beyoncé waiting because she can and will move on.
Only, I was sick in bed, and I wasn't sure what I had was good enough, so instead of calling her, I did the next best thing.
You busy?-Santana
I'm just watching housewives. What's up?-Aretha
Check your email; I need honest feedback!-Santana
Bet.-Aretha
Oh, and Mercedes? It's for Beyoncé.-Santana
Damn. Okay, hold on-Aretha
While I waited for Mercedes to get back to me, I took a treatment and finished the soup that Mami had brought over. Even cold, it tasted like heaven.
There was Christmas music blasting and a lot of movement. There was no way it was just Quinn, B, and Beth out there, but I really did want to be surprised, so I occupied myself in other ways. I fluffed up the pillows, took more medicine, and even brushed my hair.
Just as I was about to breakdown and call Mercedes but then my phone chimed. I dove onto the bed to get it and nearly busted my face on the headboard.
"Hey," I said, trying to sound casual. I utterly failed.
"Girl, I'm sorry that I took so long, but I had to get over the fact that you wrote this amazing hit for someone else. I played it for my girls here."
"What? I'm sick. My voice is trash right now."
"Nah, you had extra rasp. You sounded beautiful. I love the song, it needs some runs, but it's so dope."
"It is?"
"Yes, I especially liked the chorus. I know I let you down, but I'm wide open now. I'm ready to put on work, so baby, work me over."
"I was in my feelings."
"I can tell. You and B are working things out, I guess?"
"Yup. It's not finished, but Beyoncé said that was okay, she wanted to hear it as soon as I had something, but I wanted to run it by you first."
"Then you should do this. Don't sleep on it; if she loves it, she'll want to lay down the track as soon as possible."
After some coaching and prodding, I finally agreed with Mercedes. I called Beyoncé, but she didn't answer, so I emailed her the same clip I had sent Mercedes. I wasn't going to stress over it. She already trusted my talent, or she wouldn't have asked me to write the song; now that Mercedes loved it, I knew everything would fall in place because if Beyoncé passed on the song, I was sure that Mercedes would take it.
The next morning, I woke up in an empty bed, which made me annoyed immediately.
But then I picked up my phone and checked my messages.
Santana, this is Bey. This is everything! Can you come over and lay this down on Monday?-Unknown
My mood changed immediately.
"YES!" I screamed, climbing up on the bed and jumping. There were a bunch of footsteps, and then the door flung open. Britt, Quinn, and Mari were standing there looking at me like I was nuts. "Beyoncé liked the song! She wants to record on Monday!"
And just like that, we were all up on the bed, jumping and screaming.
Best. Sunday. Ever.
Once I got tired of jumping, I fell down onto the bed, and everyone followed.
"Where are my babies?" I asked Mari, and she shrugged.
"Your mom kidnapped them. Apparently, they'll be here for brunch."
I cringed; God did I hate the thought of brunch.
There were too many bad memories. B thankfully noticed my mood shift.
"Are you ready to see Christmas?" She asked, looking both nervous and excited.
"Yes."
She had outdone herself.
The first thing that I saw was hanging white lights everywhere, then the eight-foot tree. The living room, dining room, and kitchen looked like a winter wonderland but a professional movie set.
How much money had I spent?
"What do you think?" B asked nervously when I was too silent.
I stared at the train that circled the tree, and my jaw dropped open.
"Is that the Hogwarts Express?"
"Yeah, I couldn't resist."
"Holy...wow. This is amazing!" I kissed B so hard, and she smiled into the kiss.
"Sweet! So, how are you feeling? Tired at all?"
"Nope."
"Great because there's more."
How could there be more?
Britt led me to the steps, and my family silently followed.
When we got up to the loft, I couldn't help my tears.
She'd gotten a beautiful carpet, set my piano on it, added comfortable furniture, and filled the bookshelves between the windows. She'd turned it into a haven. Then I saw it.
"How the heck did you get that up here?"
"While you slept, Saul and Johnny came over. They helped."
My father's desk sat in front of the bookshelves with his big leather captain's chair.
"What about using this as your dance space?"
"I can dance at work; you needed a place to work and run your business. So I made this your space. It's kinda your early Christmas gift. Do you like it?"
"B, I love it."
"I got you a microphone and stuff so you could record, but it's not here yet."
"Wow."
Best. Sunday. Ever.
As a family, we decided to celebrate Dani's birthday and Christmas all at once during a family dinner.
The baby didn't know the difference, and I didn't really care about the celebration, as much I cared that I was with my daughter on her first birthday, which meant I was just six months away from my planned cut-off of breastfeeding. I'd been bitching about her teeth, but when the doctor told me that if I could, I should try to stop at 18 months, so that was the new plan.
With Christmas just five days away, I was feeling way more hopeful than ever.
Recording alongside Beyoncé, listening to her adlib, and add runs to the song just blew me away. Her work ethic gave me something to aspire to.
If I wanted to take this songwriting thing seriously, I knew that I had made a fan out of her.
And now that I had an actual office space, I felt even more driven to make things happen.
Sal always says that the key to maintaining wealth is to have multiple streams of income, and I was well on my way to achieving that.
After everyone left, Britt and I sat with the kids around the table; we gave Dani her own little smash cake, sat back, and watched her go to town.
She sat staring at it for a long moment and then began smacking her chubby hands into the frosting.
"Look at her go! B, you have to call your parents."
She videoed her parents, and the apartment filled with laughter.
After Daniela completely demolished the cake, after sharing little pieces with Isaac, Britt took on the job of cleaning up the kids while I cleaned up the frosting.
"Did you get the tickets?" I asked my in-laws once Britt was out of earshot.
"Yes, we did." Rob said, "You didn't have to pay for them."
"I know, I just wanted to do something special. I think some alone time with you two will be good for all three of you, especially at this time of year. Plus, I miss you, and your grandbabies miss you."
Susan wiped her eyes and gave me a soft smile. "We miss you all too. How's she been?"
"Decorating like a madwoman and spoiling me rotten."
"What about work?"
"Frank took a last-minute family trip to Vail, and August decided that they'd table everything until the new year. So, she's home with me."
"Is she dancing at least?" Rob looked nervous.
"Yup, she's been going to the theater for a few hours a day with Ari to prepare."
"Good. I hope you have plans for us too." Susan said.
"Definitely, Mom; you and I are going to have a spa day."
"Thank God, these cuticles are a hot mess."
January
Brittany's POV
"So, how are we doing this?" I asked Tony after barging into his office without knocking. He was on his prayer mat, bent over, and didn't bother to answer me. So, I got down next to his couch, pulled out my rosary, and began silently praying beside him.
It was something we'd done before, back when I had put my wife in the hospital, and I needed some absolution.
Our religions didn't matter as much as prayer and meditation did.
Finally, I heard him move, but I needed to finish the prayer I was in, and he respected that.
Once we were both done with our rituals, he helped me up from my knees and clapped me on the shoulders.
"You aren't doing anything. Frank made that clear."
"Can I at least watch the auditions?"
"Will you be able to watch silently?"
"Of course, ask anyone; I know how to shut up when I need to."
"I'll talk to the guys, but really, it's important that you know August called in Frankie. She'll be here to oversee the ladies. We need that female perspective."
"Oh. Is she here already?"
"Yeah, she's up in the conference room with Frank and August; there are plans that I was told were above me."
"What? Why?"
"I don't know. I am happy to have a job."
"So when is my audition?"
"Last. I think it's supposed to give you a push. I fought for you to be auditioned first, but Frank was adamant."
"Of course he was."
"The schedule is pretty cut and dry. Dancers will be split into two groups rather than doing them one by one. So they will audition as a group, each will perform a 30-second solo. You and I will be leading the routine, but then you have to sit out the judging."
"When is this all happening?"
"The company today, then you, Ari, and Dionne tomorrow."
"Dionne?"
"She came back and demanded an audition."
"And they gave to her?"
"Frank is sitting on his high horse. I think he just wants the chance to humiliate her; what he doesn't realize is that as lazy as she is, she is a good dancer."
"I know."
"That being said, at no time are you to be alone with her. It will only confuse things and make them suspect that there is something between you two."
"Eww."
Ari insisted that we practice at every free moment, which I bitched about because I just wanted to be home with my wife and kids. Still, once I was on that stage, I was so grateful in front of my bosses and Frankie.
I did my customary stretch and then looked to Tony, who was standing stage left.
The female lead came on stage first and carried most of the first Act.
It was the second hardest routine that I had created, and after months of practice, each of these dancers should be able to nail it.
When I looked out into the audience, I was grateful that Frankie kept the lamp on; she smiled at me and then nodded when she was ready.
"Devil's advocate, the full sequence at practice speed, follow my lead because I'm taking it to show speed." I called back to my first group of dancers. "5, 6, 7, 8!"
Tony had given me the suggestion that I should dance with my back to the group, so I faced the audience and began the dance.
Slow at first, and then, I picked it up and did the routine flawlessly.
I barely broke a sweat when I was finished.
"Thanks, Britt." I nodded, and then she looked behind me. "Alright, ladies, I'll be up on the stage this time, tapping you off if you've made the cut. If the routine ends and you haven't been tapped, Frank and August have agreed that you can have one more shot with a fresh routine."
Tony took my hand and led me off the stage; Frankie smiled at me as she made her way up.
"Looks like you can watch."
Tony had been watching from backstage, so he had seen what I hadn't.
"Anybody off?"
"Two of them, Debbie and Stacey."
"Dionne's friends." I muttered. "Figures."
"We talked about this, don't talk about her in earshot of Frank."
"Right."
We sat in the front row and then the music started.
No one was calling my girls to attention, so I did. "Ladies, show speed. Ready, 5, 6, 7, 8!" Frankie nodded at me in appreciation.
Sure enough, Debbie and Stacey were both off the count and missing sections of the routine.
Frankie looked annoyed but kept tapping dancers until it was down to four girls.
The seats behind us filled up with girls waiting for the next part of the routine.
"Hey B?" Frankie called down to me.
"Yeah?"
"Madonna routine."
I nodded and headed back up to the stage.
It had been years now since I had danced with Frankie, and this routine, in particular, was a little raunchy.
Ana would disapprove, but it was a great routine that would be hard to fake.
"Sample." Frankie said.
I nodded and then dropped down low, resting back on my hands as I flexed my hips before popping back up like it was nothing.
"Full?" I asked her, and she shook her head.
"Yes." She turned on her phone, and then I began the routine. "Again." She said to me when I finished. Then she made me slow it down. Then speed up. I did the routine four times before Frankie was satisfied and sent me back to my seat. I had forgotten how tough she was as the choreographer.
"I think she was trying to prove a point." I mumbled to Tony as I rubbed at my burning thighs.
"I think so too. She was staring hard at your every move."
It took just two minutes into the routine for Frankie to stop the music.
"I've seen enough. You two, go back to the group." Then she turned towards Frank and August. "You'll need two new females."
Stacey and Debbie both looked like fish with their mouths hanging open.
One glare from Frankie, and they were on their way.
She came down from the stage and stopped in front of the remaining dancers.
"Don't get comfortable ladies, you weren't perfect, but you weren't abysmal. We are not afraid to do this audition process over, as you can see. So step up your game. You're dismissed."
Santana's POV
"Do you want me to call her?" Susan asked me as she bounced a fussy Daniela in her arms.
"No. It's fine; I'm sure she just got caught up at work." I was dressed in heels and a bodycon dress for the first time in my recent memory. I'd even reminded B before leaving for work that I took her out tonight to celebrate our first anniversary. She'd promised me that she'd be home by five...only now it was eight.
"Oh hey, you're still here!" Rob said as he came out of the guest room, scratching his belly and yawning. "I finally got Isaac out of the tub. The kid really likes the water."
"Yeah, I know...um...thanks for offering to watch them tonight. If you want, you can go back to the hotel, we've already missed our dinner reservation, and the show started five minutes ago." I said as I kicked off my heels and reached for my baby. A breastfeeding mom can only go so long listening to her baby fuss without leaking all over the place.
My breasts were aching with rage and so much pressure that I felt like I could feed an army.
Once Dani was in my arms, she turned her big brown eyes on me. "Che-Che, Mami. Che-Che?"
"Mom, can you hand me that blanket?" I asked as I sat on the couch, feeling so fucking hurt.
Ever since she'd auditioned her heart out, she'd been busting her ass, but she PROMISED me that today, she'd be home.
Susan draped the blanket over my shoulder and rubbed my back. "We will stay here tonight. Is that alright?"
"Yeah, that's fine." I mumbled as I got Daniela situated.
Just as she was latching on, the front door banged open, startling Daniela into chomping down on my nipple.
"FUCK!" I yelped.
"Sorry, sorry. Shhhh." Britt was scolding the door.
"Brittany, I told you to wait for me!" I felt my body grow cold as Frankie came stumbling behind Britt.
"You're kidding me, right?" I said to a very drunk Brittany. "You said that she went back home!"
"Well, I lied, obviously! I'm...em...em...embarrassed that she's my boss now!"
"Temporarily." Frankie said, looking way soberer than my wife.
"Mom! You're here!" Britt yelled.
"Okay, that's enough. You're drunk and loud. That's no way to be." Susan said as she wrapped her arm around B. "Don't just stand there, Robert. She's too big for me to pick up. Get her." Rob had been standing in the kitchen watching the commotion but seemed to snap into action at Susan's urging. He came right over, picked Britt up over his shoulder, and walked towards our room with Susan right behind him.
Frankie sat down in my recliner and smacked her lips, chewing obnoxiously on her gum.
"Can you not?" I said to her, and she looked up at me in confusion.
"What?"
"Chew like that. It's irritating."
"Oh, my bad. Are you okay? You look nice!"
"She was supposed to be home at 5. It's our anniversary. We had plans."
"Oh."
"Where was she? How did she get like this?"
"Grady. I swear that Frank and Auggie are making an awful decision, hiring him back like this."
"What?!" I groaned when the baby bit down again. I rubbed her back, and she calmed.
Frankie cringed. "I know that feeling. Did she bite you hard?"
"Yes. Where is your baby, by the way?"
"In L.A. with his nanny most likely. Siobhan has custody at the moment; we never recovered from our last trip here."
"Yeah, I'm not surprised."
"I deserve that. I am sorry. Know that nothing like that happened today." Frankie was tipsy but obviously not drunk. "Like I said, Auggie and Frank hired Grady back. They went over Tony's head and auditioned him in secret. Today, Ari had a doctor's appointment; she's in remission thankfully...anyway, there's a new understudy for Ari, so Britt was showing her the steps when Grady showed up, ready to show the dance to the new girl."
"So B had to dance with him?"
"Yes."
"I'm this fucking close from convincing her to pull out of the show; it's not like we need the money."
"She does. Brittany is too proud to depend on you. She likes to be self-sufficient."
"You don't think I know that about my own wife, Francis?"
"I'm not trying to piss you off. My cab should be here. I'm going to go."
"No. Tell me how she got this wasted. She's underage; how did she get that drunk?"
"No idea. She stormed off the stage; I stepped in to dance in her place. By the time I got to her office, she was three-quarters through a bottle of Jack Daniels. I snatched the bottle from her, and she threatened to beat my ass if I didn't give it back, so I chugged the rest. Then I got Grady to help her into the cab. Don't look at me like that; he was the only guy left. He was hovering outside her office; I made him useful."
"She has fucking trauma, Francis. How can they do this to her?"
"Frank wants her out; he's trying to make her quit; I'd bet any amount of money on it."
Once Frankie was gone, and Daniela was comfortable in Susan's arms, I headed up to the loft, knowing that there was no use trying to reason with a drunk woman.
She was justified in being upset; I just wish that she had called me. I would have gone over there and been with her or at least sent her father. Rob was a big dude; he would have scared him a bit.
I had the connections to make Grady disappear, but I wasn't sure I wanted to waste a favor on him.
As I stood in the loft, staring through watery eyes at the love that Britt had put into making this space for me, I couldn't find the rage I had when she first got home.
Now that I'd written a song for Beyoncé, I had more confidence in my songwriter skills.
I turned to a fresh page in the music book that Britt had gotten me, clicked on the metronome, and then sat at my piano and stared out at the city lights.
The melody came first, starting like a winding up-tempo, but then came the tune.
I hummed to myself as I played the sonata-allegro. Each of the three movements came to me as if I had played them a hundred times.
Once I had committed it to memory, playing over and over again, I stopped to write out the notes. Then came the words of the song, half Spanish, half rage.
I heard gentle steps and looked up towards the stairs.
Britt stood there, wrapped in my robe, looking guilty.
"Is that about me?"
Instead of answering, I just sang the chorus again.
It's so hard to be mad at you/my rock/my love
But you build me up only to then bring me crashing from above
Damn you for stumbling, damn me for being not breaking your fall
How can I be to you, dear heart, what you are to me when things fall apart
Britt came around the piano and slid onto the bench with me.
She'd never done it before, and it made me uncomfortable, but I didn't stop her.
"I'm sorry. I just had a bad day...I messed up."
"Francis explained everything about Grady."
"She did?"
"Yes."
"Are you mad I didn't tell you she was still here?"
"Yes."
"Is our anniversary ruined?"
"It doesn't have to be."
Sometimes simple statements like that were enough to get Britt to understand. Right then, she understood.
This night could still be salvaged...if she let it be.
"Can you teach me to play something?"
"Sure."
I slid off the bench and nudged her to move over.
Then I placed my hands under hers, her long fingers rested on mine as I played Chopsticks.
Maybe our anniversary wasn't perfect, but it was OURS.
I loved her, for better or worse. Grady had been one of the worst things to happen to her that would drive anyone to drink.
"There is no way I could be mad at you with Grady sniffing around."
She shivered.
"Come here." She pulled me until I fell across her lap, "Face the piano and spread your legs over mine." She whispered against my neck, and I nervously did as she said. The bodycon dress slid up around my hips as I sat pressed back against her chest with my legs hanging over hers.
"What now?"
"Play for me, baby." She said as she moved my hands to the keys. I began to play while her hands slid up my thighs. "You're all I want to think about; it's our anniversary, he can't have it." Her fingers slid my thong to the side, and then her fingers were inside of me while I tried to keep playing, knowing that if I stopped, so would she. We'd played this game before.
Being in her arms again for the first time in a month, I knew that I never wanted to be without her.
"Fuck, B." I groaned.
"Say that you forgive me for tonight."
"No. Not yet." I whimpered.
"Please?" She squeaked, her fingers touching spots inside and out that were driving me closer to release.
"Please, B...fuck...right there!" I pleaded.
"I'll make it up to you, I promise."
Brittany's POV
Ana hung off me after having sneaked a little wine; her face was flushed as she flirted.
"Your parents are heading home on Sunday, B...do you know what that means?"
"That we get our bedroom back?"
"No, silly, it means that tonight we can get a room somewhere and fuck."
After my hysterectomy, even with hormone pills, I hadn't wanted to be touched still...even though it'd been two months.
I felt bad that I was holding out on Ana, but I couldn't force the desire to come.
"No thanks, Ana. I like you sober when we have sexy times."
I was so tired as we made our way to the town car from Quinn's birthday celebration in Brooklyn.
We'd stayed way later than we'd planned, but that was because Ana had disappeared for over an hour, and I wasn't going to leave until I found her.
She'd been a mid-argument over music with some randos.
Once I got her in the car, she seemed to liven up even more like she was on speed or something.
"You okay, baby?" I asked her as she grinned at me.
"Of course, B. I just want you inside me, touching me, fucking me...owning me."
I glanced up at the driver, but he had his eyes on the road while my wife grinded on me.
"Santana, stop."
She pouted and tried to look angry, but I didn't believe it for a second.
"Why don't you want me, Brittany?" Now her voice was getting screechy. It was a Friday night, I'd worked all day long and was tired, but I'd promised that I would be at Quinn's party. I promised Ana that I would be ready for a night out to make up for not showing up on our anniversary. My head ached, and my body was sore, but I tried to stay upbeat.
"I do want you; I always do but not when you're drunk."
"You suck." She crossed her arms, threw herself back against the seat, as close to the door as possible, and glared out the window.
"I'm sorry that you feel that way; I'm trying my best."
"And that's the problem; it's not enough." She grumbled.
The words hit me hard, but I wouldn't cry.
She didn't know what she was saying.
We'd given my parents our bedroom when they decided to stay through January because dad wanted to check out some potential places for Walker. They were planning on opening a Bean in the city, and he'd needed Ana to back him since she was supposed to be the boss. She'd been telling me that she was excited about the new business, but dad told me on the side that she'd been spaced out and nonchalant about it.
There was something off about her, and I couldn't pinpoint it until now.
I was suspicious, but I wasn't going to accuse her just yet.
So instead, tonight, I'd been watching her right up until I got distracted by Celia telling me about her investment in our show and how she'd told my bosses that she would keep investing as long as I stayed on as the choreographer. I hated that I was indebted yet again to the Lopez family, but she assured me that this was really all Quinn's idea.
Quinn had been stepping up now that she was in line to be a mom for real, and she kept doing things to pay Ana and me back for supporting her through everything.
All I wanted, though, was her superior knowledge of my wife and the difference between her drunk and her high. It'd been so long that I couldn't really tell the difference. Quinn was the only person I could trust to be discreet about my suspicions but talking to her about it on her birthday wasn't how I wanted to talk to her.
I wanted to invite her over after my parents left, but I never got the chance because Ana had disappeared and needed to make sure that she was safe.
Now though, she was angry at me, and I didn't know how much more of it I could take...so all the discretion that I was going to use went out the window when she sniffed one too many times.
"Did you snort anything tonight?" I asked her and her body went stiff.
"Fuck off, Brittany." She muttered.
"I have drug tests at home; if you don't want to tell me, then your piss will tell me."
Her jaw unlocked, and she gaped at me with wide eyes.
"You wouldn't dare!"
"Try me."
"I'm tipsy, that's it."
"We'll see."
I'd shown my cards too soon, but I didn't know that until we were pulling up outside the apartment building, and Ana got out of the car, stormed into the building, and vanished.
By the time I got to the lobby, she was gone. I took the elevator up to our place, but she wasn't there.
There was no lingering smell of her perfume, no heels tossed by the door, and no sign of her in any part of the apartment.
She just wasn't there.
Her phone went to voicemail, so I figured I'd just give her time.
I got a quick shower, checked on the kids, then chugged some water while I waited for her.
Finally, an hour later, I got a text.
Open the door. Don't have keys.-Ana
I sighed and walked over to the doorway; when I pulled the door open, there she was, holding her shoes in her hands, looking refreshed and very sober.
"Where were you?"
"I took the stairs."
"For over an hour?" I tried to be calm, but it felt impossible.
She rolled her eyes and tried to push past me. The smell of smoke assaulted me, and I grabbed her wrist. When she looked up at me with blown pupils and swollen lips, I felt sick to my stomach.
"I need a shower. Can you let me go, please?"
"Sure. Have a good night."
"What?"
"I'm sleeping out here. You can have the room."
"Are you serious right now?" She snapped, all venom.
"Yes. You're not yourself right now, and I don't want this fight to become bigger. You can go sleep it off, and I'll stay out here so you can have the bed."
"Fine." She yanked her arm away and stormed off to the guest room.
I just couldn't believe that we were back to this, fighting and lying to each other.
This was the last thing that I needed.
Santana's POV
I'd fucked up. I knew it, and so did B. I'd known it from the moment that she yanked me away from my flirting with an old client that I hadn't expected to run into. I told her we were bickering about music, and I'm sure that she saw through that lie.
And then I tried to be hypersexual to cover up my shame of lying.
Then I lashed out, an old default that I'm not proud of.
I needed the break from her...just to get rid of my buzz; that was all I wanted.
So I escaped the car and hid in the stairwell until I knew she'd gone up to the penthouse...and then I took the same elevator up to the seventh floor.
My head was hurting, and my heart was racing.
There was an agreement, I wasn't supposed to be doing this, but I had no other choice.
I banged on the black steel door with no luck. So I looked up to the supposedly hidden camera.
"Please let me in...I need this."
The door clicked open and then slammed shut as soon as I was inside.
Sugar was dressed in ridiculous pajamas, making the gun she held look even more out of place.
"What are you doing?"
"I fucked up."
"How?"
"I had a lot of champagne, and now Britt is pissed."
Sugar pushed me back against the door, still holding that gun. I bit the inside of my cheek hard when she used the gun to lift my chin up. The adrenaline of that moment took me back to the excitement that we used to share. We both had taken a liking to danger, but she by choice and me by force. This shouldn't be turning me on, but I couldn't help it.
"Is that all you had?"
I rolled my eyes.
"Just a taste." I whispered when she pressed her body against mine so I couldn't run.
"And she figured it out?"
"Probably, I'm not the most discreet junkie...she threatened to drug test me, and I ran away."
"And you thought, why not go see my ex in the secret apartment that she keeps three floors down from mine?"
"I know it's stupid, but I needed to get sober somewhere safe. You are slimy as fuck, but I trust you."
"Showering is out of the question. It will make her suspicious, but you are welcome to sit down, have some water, and somehow talk me out of telling on you."
"Is she here?"
"No. Our cover is just that, a cover. At night she is with him."
"And you're okay with that?"
Sugar looked defeated as she hung her head for a moment. "Had I known going into this relationship with her...whatever...she will always love him."
"Has he punished you for falling in love with her?"
"You know Nico. He's a bleeding heart when it comes to those he loves. He'd never punish me for that. Besides, he's supposed to be dead."
"It's not fair to you, though, sure; I'm grateful for your security. Having you here to look out for us has made me feel like I can live a normal life, but you deserve love. You should be out enjoying life and falling in love."
"Not until the job is done and you jeopardizing your sobriety fucks with the whole operation."
"I'm sorry."
"Not good enough. I need you to tell me the only expectation made of you."
"Stay out of trouble. Avoid old clients. Stay sober."
"Why do you sound pissed?" She said, tapping the gun against her thigh.
"Because you have these expectations of me, but then Grady fucking hurt me right downstairs in your father's building! How can you expect shit of me and let me get hurt?"
"That was a mistake. I fucked up, okay? I was with Carmen and distracted. It won't happen again."
"You promised me that you wouldn't let him get close to her, but there he is every single fucking day."
"But he hasn't found a single moment alone with her. My people make sure of that. I am sorry about you getting hurt; I am still getting shit for it. Trust me."
"Look, I'm tired...can I just have that water."
"Do you want my pee too? Would that make things right between us?"
"It's a start."
I wasn't counting on her being so mad at me, but I could understand why.
With my in-laws and kids asleep, I resisted the urge to have it out with her when I felt like she was overeating.
I took my shower and tried to relax, but her being upset wasn't sitting right with me.
Our marriage was supposed to be different than our relationship.
So I changed into my pajamas and then grabbed a pillow and blanket before returning to the living room.
Britt was curled up in a ball, staring out the window with tears in her eyes.
"B?" I whispered, but she didn't respond.
So, instead of pushing, I lifted her head and shoved the pillow underneath it. Then I climbed behind her and pulled the blanket over us.
"What are you doing?" She grumbled.
"When we got married, I promised myself that I'd never go to bed angry, and I don't plan to break that promise."
"But I didn't make that promise."
"No, you're right; you didn't."
"I don't want to fight with you. It's been a long day, and I'd like to sleep." She sighed.
"Then let's sleep."
"It's stupid that we are laying out here when we have a bed."
"Well, I'm going to sleep wherever you do. If this is where you want to be, then this is where I'm sleeping."
"You still smell like alcohol."
"I'm sorry."
"And you are still sniffing like you snorted something."
"I'm sorry."
"So you did?"
"I'm sorry." It was all I could say. I took one look at that container of Sugar's pee and turned her down. I couldn't lie to B, not about this.
"Why?"
"The majority of my clients were in Brooklyn, B. It's no surprise that they were there tonight, and just a few moments with them, I was back to being 18...back to being the girl they expected me to be. The girl they paid thousands of dollars to fuck."
"So they gave it to you?"
"Just a taste...I'm sorry."
"Mom asked me if you'd been to meetings. She's been here for over a month and hasn't seen you go to one. Is it because this is something you're back to?" Her voice sounded so vacant as she continued to hold herself and look off into the distance. "I need the truth, Santana...please?"
"Here and there, I've tasted, but I haven't gone full junkie...never when I was breastfeeding. Only when they weren't here."
"Where are you getting it from?"
"It's New York."
"Where did you go tonight?"
"I can't...not that."
"Was it to a dealer?"
"No. Just a safe place."
"A drug-free place?"
I didn't know how to answer that. I had no idea if Sugar was still dealing personally, but I decided to assume ignorance as fact.
"Yes."
"I need you to start going to meetings again, and I know you hate the idea, but I think you need to stop breastfeeding. For good."
"She's not going to like it."
"Tough shit. You will not drug our babies. What you did to Izzy is still haunting us. He suffers because of you."
Her words hurt me deeply, but she was right.
"Whatever you want, B."
"Are you going to tell Dr. Clover?"
"I can't if I do...it's a breach of contract... there are consequences."
"Like what?"
"Triage." I shivered. "I don't need that. I can get myself back to where I need to be, I swear." The words slipped past my lips before I could pull them back.
"You should go. Just for like a check-up."
"But the kids need me...so do you."
"Not like this. Tony's wife has already offered to watch them. She runs a daycare."
"I don't want them in daycare, Britt."
"Would you rather we dump them on your family and have to explain to them why the kids need someone else to take care of them?"
"No."
"You said whatever I want, and this is what I want. Tomorrow, we can go out to Long Island, and you can talk to Dr. Clover in person about your next steps."
"My parents will still be here for two more days. They want us to take advantage of alone time while we can. We don't have to tell the world, just so long as you are taking this seriously before it gets out of control."
"Okay."
"Promise me something." She said, finally sitting up and turning to look at me in the eyes.
"Anything." I whispered, entranced by those fucking eyes.
"That you'll stop lying to me, even if you think it will hurt my feelings. I can see the lies. I know you're lying, so you might as well just be honest with me from the beginning. It would save us so many tears."
"I promise." I felt resentful because she'd lied to me plenty of times, but I understood it, I guess. My lies were detrimental to the kids, and hers were just detrimental to me personally. Even when she was sleeping around, it never had a direct effect on Isaac. Still, my lies had literally nearly killed him in my womb.
"Thank you...let's go to bed."
February
Santana's POV
FULL OF GRACE REHABILITATION CENTER
DAY 10
Being back in triage without any drugs really in my system was way more relaxing than the first time around.
There was no need to restrain me to the bed or push detox medication into my body.
Instead, I had daily therapy, realigned my anxiety medication, and I ate three square meals. My breasts were painful under the gauze that I been wrapping around them to stanch the flow of milk.
Ten days into a fourteen-day triage found me rested and more clearheaded than I had been in a while.
And I felt peace knowing that my kids weren't in daycare. I'd come clean to Rob and Susan; in doing that, they'd offered to stay until I got back.
"How are you feeling today?" Doc asked as she came into my room.
"Better."
"Are you ready to be honest about your relapse?"
"I am."
"How much was a taste?"
"A line."
"How often?"
"Once a week, at least. I'd pump as much clean milk as I could and bottle feed. Take a line...wait four days, and then I'd allow her to breastfeed again."
"I'm proud of you for finally being honest."
"Me too."
"I've been in contact with a few colleagues on the outside since this breaks our contract, and I can't see you after this time."
"Which fucking sucks."
"Language." She scribbled that down, of course.
"Sorry."
"How's the dial on your e.d?"
"Moderate...turned just a bit up. I am feeling the need to control things."
"But?"
"I need to manage my expectations. I need to be honest with myself."
"Good."
"So when can I meet this new therapist?"
"If you're amenable, I was going to have her shadow me for the next four days, so you can form a relationship sooner rather than later."
"Yes...that's fine." I waved her off. I hated that she was so formal in this room. Unlike her office, it had cameras, and everything we said could be heard.
She wasn't supposed to be my friend on the outside, and I was making it difficult sometimes by asking about her daughter or her new house.
I wasn't surprised that she was ready to pass me off. I'd fucked up the agreement.
Of course, she was disappointed...so was I, frankly.
FULL OF GRACE REHABILITATION CENTER
DAY 14
Being back outside after two weeks, felt odd and despite us wanting to contain things, it was Quinn who picked me up.
"Hi." I said to her as I climbed into the car.
"Hey."
"Where's B?"
"She had to work. I finished classes early, so she asked me."
"How long have you known?"
"Since my party."
"And you didn't say anything?"
"By the time I could get to you without Ceily hovering, you were already here. Britt hasn't told anyone else where you really were. Rob told Walker, she's waiting for you back at your place. It's supposed to be a surprise, I think, but I know how you hate those."
"Thanks."
She handed me my beloved sunglasses and then waited for me to buckle up before pulling off.
I stared out the window, and she turned up the music without a word.
Sending Quinn was probably the right move; I needed a moment, and Q was the queen of knowing when a situation called for silence.
I finally broke it.
"Where did people think I was?"
"Checking out new coffee distributors and visiting the Beans."
"Sounds true enough."
"Lie with the truth, right? Walker had been doing that; she linked up with Felo."
"Right, I forgot he has his own coffee plantation."
"Well, he's now exclusively in business with the Beans, thanks to Walker."
"There's just one problem with this story."
"What?"
"Do you see how fucking pale I am?"
"That's why we are stopping to get you a spray tan."
"Anything to keep up the lie...right?"
"We don't have to. If you want to tell the whole family that you are back on drugs, I won't stop you." Her voice sounded tight. Was she mad at me?
"I'm sorry that I let you down, Q."
"Me too."
"Harsh."
"You're an addict. It's a disease; I get that. It just feels like a choice from this side of things."
"So you're pissed off at me?"
"It was my fucking birthday! You could have just stuck to my side all night, but instead, you went off and what?"
"I'm sorry. I am trash; I get it, fuck. What do you want me to say?" The tears came easily; my hormones were still a mess. I broke down right in that passenger seat, and it threw her off majorly.
She pulled over, unbuckled herself, and pulled me into her arms.
Being back in my best friend's arms for the first time since we slept together felt like I was reunited with a limb that I had severed. We'd hugged and been friendly, but this was something different.
Just the two of us, with me letting down my walls.
Not since that night of my breakdown where things between us went too far, we hadn't had a moment like this.
"I just miss my friend. You used to trust me with your full truth, good and bad. I let you fucking snort cocaine off the dashboard so you could get through a school day. I have had your back through everything. It always been me to clean you up, hold you together, and now what? You had shoved me to side character when it used to be the three of us as a shared main character."
"You're insane; I'm the main character, always." I tried to smile, and she rolled her eyes.
"Sure, San, whatever you need to tell yourself."
I got home just before lunchtime; Quinn was instructed to make sure I was inside the apartment before she left. She was honest as we made our way up in the elevator.
"She's still upset about me disappearing on her."
"Of course she is, but she's been doing the work, going to therapy and meetings with me. Families of addicts have to stick together."
"Addicts?"
"My father."
"Right. I forget about him a lot."
"Lucky you, I haven't had that bit of good fortune."
"Will you help me get my shit together, Q?" I asked as we stepped out onto the tenth floor. I walked over to the window that overlooked the street, away from the door of my place. I just needed a little more time before going inside.
"How can I help you?"
"We need a thing, I don't know what...but just some time away from Britt and the kids. Do you have anything like that?"
"You could come down to campus, do yoga with me, or some other activity."
"Yeah, that sounds fun."
"We could also go to a few open mic nights. You could sing. There are so many karaoke bars and lots of terrible music...it would be good to keep doing things that you love. It's been so long since I've seen you on a stage performing."
"I miss it...among other things." I wiped at a tear that had escaped and cleared my throat. Quinn pulled me into a hug and didn't let go.
"You just need a life plan, San. You should be reapplying to Columbia and starting school. I moved to New York, picked Columbia over Yale just so we could do it together. Maybe you don't want to be a lawyer anymore, that's fine, but if you're trying to be a business mogul, a degree will be a good start."
"Go back to school?" It was like she was knocking some sense into me. Why hadn't I thought to go back? I did love school, I loved learning, and I had always dreamt of Columbia. Just because I didn't want to be a lawyer didn't mean that I should nix school altogether. "I think you're right, Q."
"Glad to hear it. Now stop stalling and take your ass inside, I have to pick up Beth from Puck's in a few hours, and I need to have sex with your sister first."
She winked and then escorted me back to the door. Her thumbs traced underneath my eyes, and then she dropped a light kiss on my lips for old-time sake. "See you for Sunday dinner tomorrow?"
"I think so; I've skipped a lot of them. If I don't go, I'm sure Sandra will start sniffing around."
"Absolutely, now that Rob and Susan are leaving in the morning, your in-laws in town excuse goes down the drain."
"Ugh. I guess I'll see you tomorrow then."
She knocked on the door and waited with me until I was no longer a flight risk.
I stood there, hoping that this wasn't going to be a habit. My freedom was precious to me, and the last thing I wanted was to lose it completely.
Brittany's POV
"Thanks for doing this." I said to Frankie on the way home, she had made up an excuse for me to leave early for the day. I really wanted to pick up Ana, but I couldn't get out of work in the morning...thankfully, I'd at least be home for her first night back.
"You're welcome. I hope that everything goes okay. I'll see you on Monday, right?"
"See you Monday."
Quinn walked out of the elevators as I got to the lobby; she looked tired but smiled when she saw me.
"Hey, B."
"Hi."
"She's upstairs...go easy on her okay, she's already cried a few times since I picked her up."
"Did it seem like her walls were down?" I asked, feeling hopeful.
"Definitely. Don't forget Sunday dinner tomorrow at Sandra's. They've been suspicious that she hasn't been to a dinner in two months."
"We'll be there."
"Okay...well, I'm going to go get laid."
"Score. Have fun. Thanks for picking her up." I hugged her, and the tension that had been floating around her seemed to melt right off. "And thanks for not having sex with her again." I said, and she let out a shaky laugh.
"Definitely not doing that again."
"Just making sure."
My body ached from a rough morning of dancing. Adding Saturdays to my work schedule meant that I was away from my family for six days a week, which didn't do anything to calm my fears about leaving the kids alone with Santana.
Mom says that I need to have faith that she'll do the right thing but hadn't I already had that? Hadn't I already trusted for her to keep her body clean, especially while she was breastfeeding our child?
After a therapy session with Dr. Clover, she'd recently admitted to me that she had put a system in place that allowed her to have a hit of coke but still be able to breastfeed. I cried for two days afterward.
I wasn't ready to see her, but I had made a vow for better or worse.
Was it wrong that I just wanted, for once, for it to be the better stuff for longer than a few months?
I could feel myself getting worked up as I got closer to seeing her again.
At least my parents were still here, and Walker would be sticking around for a few more days.
I wasn't ready to deal with her all on my own. Thankfully, other people saw that too.
Mom and Dad sat at the table with the kids having lunch, but my wife was nowhere to be seen.
"She's upstairs." Mom said as I kissed her face.
"How is she?"
"Honestly, honey...she looks just like she did when she came to stay with us this past summer." Dad said.
"How's that?" I asked.
"Tired, honey. There's a look in her eyes that is different, though. I couldn't place it." Mom said.
I kissed the kids and then headed upstairs.
The sound of her piano greeted me first, which made me think of the night of our anniversary when I had come home drunk.
She was even playing the same song.
Walker was standing with her back to the room, staring out at the view.
Ana saw me and gave me a small smile.
I spun in place and then danced my way over to her, trying my best to be my bubbly old self.
Just like I could see through her, she could do the same to me.
When I sat next to her, she flinched.
"Am I interrupting? I can come back?" I said to her.
"No. There's nothing to interrupt, Brittany. I asked her a question, and she's been silent this whole time. I think I'll go downstairs and let you two talk...she's not ready to deal with me." Walker said and then patted me on the shoulder before heading downstairs.
Once we were alone, Ana turned to look at me and sighed. "I want to go back to school. Is that okay with you?" She took her hands off the keys and folded them in her lap. "Q seems to think that it would help me, and I agree."
"I support you in every good thing that you do. If you want to go back to school, then go."
"Are you still angry?"
"I feel many things, Ana...anger is just a small part of it. I fear that every time one of us fucks up, we want to start over, but I don't want to. I want us to pick up where we are and work on things. Was it that bad, life with me?"
"No...it was never about you, B."
"What other secrets are you keeping from me?"
She shrugged, and it irritated me; there was so much that I could see in her eyes. What had still been tugging at my brain was where she'd gone that night...she'd come back smelling like someone else, and I needed to know that she hadn't run to another woman.
I'd even confronted Ari, but she had no idea what I was talking about.
"So many, B. There are things that I can't tell you because it would endanger your life but not telling you could do the same. What do you want to know?"
"Where were you that night? Who were you with?"
She began to play lightly, almost absently, as she spoke to the keys instead of to me.
"Do you remember running into Sugar before we left Lima?" She asked, and I nodded.
"Yes."
"She'd just found out that Nico is alive..." She looked at me, waiting for that news to sink in, but I couldn't let it...there was always a part of me that didn't believe that Carmen had just left his body. "...and that...my life was in danger...so is yours and the kids." This time, fear gripped me as I stared at her, feeling all the horror sink into me.
"What the fuck?"
"We had to come back to New York. Nico has gotten even more powerful in his death. Those in the know assume he's alive but can't prove it. He's a fucking ghost. Sugar is his niece and married Carmen to keep up appearances that she'd moved on. Obviously, she hasn't. Nico assigned Sugar and her crew as our protection."
"How is she supposed to protect me?"
"She's been doing it for months now, she lives on the 7th floor, and Nico owns the building. That night, I was losing my hold on everything. I went to her because I needed a reality check. She apologized for letting Grady get to me...she'd been chasing Carmen because she does actually love her. Still, Carmen doesn't love her back."
"Wow...how does she protect me when I'm not here?"
"I think she has people at your job, dancers maybe. She won't tell me; it's apparently better if our protection blends in."
"This is insane."
"I know...and I'm not supposed to be telling you...I've been keeping this secret since Lima, and up until that night, I hadn't gone to Sugar. I'm not supposed to, but it felt smarter to go to her, someone who isn't going to put up with my shit. Trust me, she had a gun the whole time I was there. She even offered me her pee so I could pass your drug test, but I turned her down."
"And Grady, what does he have to with it?"
"Hector and Mami paid him to leave after he hurt me. I wanted to press charges, and they insisted that their way was better. I haven't really spoken to my mom since then. She's only out to do things that benefit her. Although I'm not supposed to know, I'm pretty sure that Nico got to Grady; he probably threatened his life and family. In true Nico, fashion has probably turned an enemy into a friend."
"Meaning what, that he's the protection?"
"Who better, I mean, I hate him, and you have bitter history. No one would suspect that he is your protection. I don't know it for sure, but it's the only thing that made sense when I heard that he just came back out of the blue. How's he been to you?"
"Nice, but in a way that makes me feel like I just imagined we were together. He doesn't spend time alone with me; he isn't overly friendly. He's just there, dancing and singing."
"See what I mean?"
"Yeah."
"B, can I just say...I'm super grateful for you holding me down through this. Triage was good for me. I got to rest, I reevaluated what I was doing, and I remembered who I was when I left there in the first place."
"Yeah?"
"Definitely. I need accountability. I need to go to those meetings, and Walker being here is a smart move. We help each other in dark moments; I'm in one now...even with triage. I'm not craving or anything, but right now, I must form a routine and a plan."
"Will you tell your family tomorrow?"
"No. It's not something that I'm ready to talk about with them. Sandra will talk about my access to money, which is greater, the older I get. Mari will want to talk about my health, and Celia will just hover way more than I can handle. Don't even get me started on my mom. I don't need their judgment right now. You are my family. First, I want to take care of this at home, with you. Is that okay?"
"Yes."
"Good. Would you mind if I go out for a bit with Walker?"
I wanted to tell her that I minded, but I could see that she needed my trust. So I gave in.
"That's fine. Just don't stay out all night, okay?"
"Okay."
Santana's POV
By the time I got back home with Walker in tow, I was sweaty and exhausted, but I felt amazing.
Walker left me at the door with a hug and a promise to be back in the morning for a run.
I found Britt on her knees in the bathroom, giving the kids a bath while music played for them.
"Hey." I said to her, and she smiled up at me, looking relieved to see me in one piece. "It's quiet. Are your parents not here?"
"Date night, they went to see a show. It's just been me and the kiddos. Wanna help?"
"Sure. I'd like that."
I knelt beside her and began to soap up Isaac. He stood there looking down at the ducky in his hands, which is was different than he normally is with me.
"Papa?" I called to him, and he looked up but didn't smile at me. "Are you okay?"
"Want Mama." He said to me but didn't move to stop me from washing him up. Instead, he just chose to look away again.
"Ouch." I whispered, but I didn't want him to see me cry, so I sucked back the rejection and tried to put on a happy face. Daniela was no better. She was officially cut off from my boobs and had no time for me. I'd worn out my usefulness to her.
Shit, how bad had I fucked up that my kids hated me after two weeks?
"Hey, they are just crabby, don't let it get to you...oh and don't be surprised when you see, I moved them into the same bedroom. Their rooms were way too big for them to be separated. They've been sleeping better at night."
"So what have you been doing with the empty room?"
"Dad helped me set up a gate; I put a treadmill in there, and most of their toys...I also mounted a tv. It's been easy to still get my run in while they play."
"That's a good idea."
"I thought so."
The ducky that had previously been in Isaac's hand hit my face, stunning me into attention. He was glaring at me with his arms across his chest. "Go way!" He grumbled at me.
"Hey, that's not nice! Say sorry!" Britt commanded, and he stomped his little foot but still said it.
"Sorry." He was so insincere, but Britt didn't bother correcting him.
Even though I was sore about it, I still helped get them dressed and in bed for the night. As I leaned over Daniela to give her kisses, she hit my boob. "Che-Che?"
"No, baby."
"Che-Che!" She screeched.
My boobs still had milk, but I had been letting them dry up; the doctors in triage helped me bind them every day, and not having a screaming baby around had helped the milk stop. Now though, as she cried, the pain of my binding was more apparent. I kissed her face and left the room. I didn't make it far, sliding down the wall to the floor just outside their room while she cried for my milk.
Britt eventually came out and held out a hand for me. "Come on, you need some pampering. How about a bath?"
"Are you sure? Not wanting me seems to be all the rage." I joked as I let her pull me towards our guest room.
"Don't joke like that; they'll get over it. You can't be so hard on yourself; they're 1 and 2, don't take it personally."
Not even the bath helped calm me, having Britt watch me unbind my chest and then hold onto my aching breasts while she held me.
"Do they hurt that much?" She asked me as I rebound them.
"Not as much as it has been, but her crying made them ache way more than they have."
"How long do you need to wrap them like that?"
"As long as it takes for them to dry up."
"What can I do to help?"
"I don't know, maybe we just have a bottle ready before she asks?"
"We can do that." It felt good to lay in a real bed again, even if it wasn't my own. I pulled the blankets up and cuddled as deeply as I could. Britt turned off the overhead light and left the lamp on before cuddling next to me. "How was your time with Walker?"
"Good. I took her to Times Square and then to a coffee shop. Then...she um..." I felt so proud of myself at that moment for offering up the information about Nico being alive because it made this conversation easier. "We went to Nico's diner; it's been gutted out. Even the apartment upstairs is getting an overhaul. Sugar gave me the keys, and we are going to rebrand it and open it as our newest Bean location."
"Oh, wow." She smiled. "So that's why Walker showed up?"
"Yeah, I thought she was here for me, but she told me how she showed up here at Rob's urging, and then he told her I'd relapsed."
"Are you going to be able to handle this project?"
"No. Not by myself. Walker is going to oversee it. She and Rob will hire the contractors; I'm just signing off on things that I need to."
"I'm glad that you aren't taking on more than you can handle."
"Really?"
"Yes. I can tell that you're trying to be transparent and honest with me, just on this first day back. I hope I can help you keep this up."
"Well, it'd be nice if we actually still did date nights. I wrote up that whole contract with Mami and while I've pretty much said fuck her after the Grady situation, us taking time to work on us and spend time together is important."
"We can do that, my love. I work on Saturdays now, though, so we'll have to do date nights on Saturday nights. Is that okay?"
"Sure, B." I don't know why I felt nervous, but I did, and the only way to deal with that though is to jump in feet first. So I leaned in close to her. "Can I kiss you?"
"Yes."
The moment I pressed my lips to hers, I was sure that things were going to change. All I had to do was stay in the moment and manage my expectations. It had been hard, but I had faced harder.
With Britt on my side and by my side, I knew that I could conquer anything.