Trying to Love You (Trisha Yearwood)
Santana's POV
When we walked into the living room, Sandra was having a heated conversation with Mami until Quinn nudged her.
"Hey, sis." She said as she turned towards me and opened her arms.
I stepped into them, and she hugged me tightly. "Have you taken some time to talk to Brittany about whatever this is before talking to us?"
"No."
She took a step back and looked me in the eyes. "Santana, I'm saying this as your big sister but also as a married woman. You need to be open and honest with Brittany before you talk to us."
"Wh-What if I can only talk about this once?" I said to her, truly feeling a bit lost.
"Someone hurt you, and you want to get justice?"
"Y-Yeah."
"Then you're going to need to get comfortable talking about it. Right?"
"Well...yeah."
"Then we are going to stay here tonight...let you two talk through things, and then when you're ready...even if it's in the morning, we can talk this through."
"Are you sure about this, Sandra?" Mami said with Pa hovering, the look in his eyes was almost greedy, and me and Mami were just reconciling. I wanted to trust them, but I knew that I owed it to Britt to talk with her first to get through talking about this.
Even if she was scared to hear it on her own.
"Was it Dr. Cray?" Quinn cut in, and I looked at her with a glare, but I nodded.
"Shit. Maybe Sandra is right. The fact that Quinn even knows that much hurt a little. We should talk." Britt said, and I could see just how much she needed me to talk to her first. I could do this...that twat couldn't steal my happiness or interfere with my marriage. He would NOT have power over me.
I turned from my family to my wife, taking her hands in mine. "Let's go up to our bedroom and talk."
"How far is your house from here?" Mami asked Sandra.
"Two miles."
Mami came to me and pressed her palm to my cheek. "Talk to your wife, then you two come to Sandra's tomorrow. I'll make breakfast; you're too skinny; we can talk then. Okay?"
"Thanks, Mami."
"Please don't make me leave." Q said to me when everyone else was following Britt to the door. "I was only up here trying to get Sandra to give up Celia's address. My car is at her house, but I don't want to be there...not with everyone. I can disappear, just please, S...don't make me leave."
Seeing my best friend's distress took me back to all the times that her world was spinning out, and I had watched her burn, only to drag her out when she was past the point of no return. The look in her eyes was so close to pink-haired Quinn that I knew I couldn't let her down.
"I have plenty of space, Q. You can stay. We can go over to Sandra's together in the morning."
She hugged me tight and then kissed my face. "Thanks!"
Britt came back in the room shaking the baby monitor.
"Dani's whining. I'm going to check on her. Quinnie, you're practically a part of this marriage, just get snacks and come upstairs. I'm sure Ana could use your presence."
"Are you sure, B? I am perfectly fine taking care of Daniela while you two talk."
"No...I'm not sure, but my gut tells me that having you here will help us both. You're our best friend, and if we fall apart, you are Dani's third mom."
"Okay, well, go take care of her, and we'll bring food up."
"Awesome."
I stood in the living room with my arms wrapped around myself while I watched my wife run a hand over her face before leaving the room.
She was feeling all of the emotions and didn't even know half of anything.
All she had now was a name.
"I'm not hungry, Q."
"And just like I tell you every time, I don't fucking believe you. Your wife is way more patient than I have ever seen her. Make her a sandwich, and let's go upstairs."
"Fine."
"Good girl." She said, and I shook my head.
"No."
"Um...good going?" She corrected.
"Better."
Q looped her arm through mine and then pulled us into the kitchen.
I was silent as I made three sandwiches and a bottle while Quinn raided our snack pantry.
By the time we finished setting things up in my bedroom and I went to check on the baby, Britt was carrying a naked Daniela from the bathroom back to the nursery.
"Everything ok?" I asked, feeling my anxiety rise even further.
"She threw up a little, but her fever is gone, so I gave her a bath."
"I made her a bottle."
"Oh great! Can you grab some pajamas while I lotion her up?"
I nodded and pulled out her Minnie pajamas.
Britt brushed Daniela's messy curls into a little top knot and then put the pajamas on her.
We sang her a little song, kissed her cheeks until she giggled, and then put her back in her bed.
Her face, at that moment with the dimples on her cheeks and chin, looked just like Marco, and it made me wish, not for the first time that he was here.
Just in that little bit of time that he had with her, the love he had for his daughter was blatant.
With Dr. Cray starting shit, Marco's presence would make this all better, but there was always Nico.
He was my last resort.
In the hallway outside our room, Britt took another moment to stop and talk to me.
Her eyes were on mine.
"Checking in on you. How are you feeling?"
"Better; I think I need to talk and Quinn being here is helpful. She's always been our third."
"I know, and surprisingly I'm okay with it."
"Good. I need to make sure you're okay too."
"I am...honestly, I know I invited your mom over, but I'm kind of glad she left us to talk first."
"Me too, B. It's hard enough admitting this all to you, but then to have my mom and my most die-hard sister be there...I wouldn't have been able to sleep tonight. You and Q know just how far to go."
"Then let's get it over with...yeah?"
"Okay."
I held tight to Britt's hand and rested against her as we went into our room.
Quinn was chomping away on a pickle as she stared out the window at our pool.
"Please tell me that you two will let me and Beth spend the summer here?" She said as she turned around, "In exchange, I'll babysit whenever."
"I'm ready." I said in return and her smile faded.
"Well then, let's eat and talk then, ladies."
"You don't have to be the captain in our bedroom, Quinnie. In this room...that's my job." Quinn threw her hands up and nodded at B.
"My bad."
It was the perfect moment, and I knew it had to be right then, or I would chicken out.
"I bombed my test because he kept staring at me." They both sat on our little couch, staring at me with encouraging expressions. "He's my biology professor, but before that, he was the guy...remember I told you two how Marco only banned me from two clients...Tucker and Trent. Dr. Cray is Trent. He's the one manufacturing these synthetic drugs and testing them on girls...maybe even trafficking them. I don't know how deep it goes."
Britt gripped Quinn's hand and looked at me with tears in her eyes.
"Don't stop...let it out, baby."
"Mr. Evans...that's his father, I think. I never quite got the full story, but they're connected. I don't know what happened, but at first, he just stared, but then he started calling me out in class. The midterm, though, he stared at me the whole time, not caring anymore if other people saw. I blanked and didn't even finish writing my fucking name."
"Asshole." Q whispered.
"He told me to meet him in his office, and I went...I asked him to keep the door open. Instead, he said some crude stuff to me as he closed us in. I told him that I'm married and that I don't escort. He said that it was of no consequence to him, which doesn't surprise me. He gets off on pain; it's never been about the sex...it's why...when you asked if I fucked him...I didn't have an answer, B...did he penetrate me...no. Did he do other things, like touch me and cum on me, yes."
My wife looked pale as she freely cried. "Okay...I'm not mad...just...tell me everything."
"Can I record this?" Q asked, and I froze.
"Why?"
"So that you won't have to repeat it." I nodded and waited for her to hit record on her phone. "Go ahead, San."
"He told me that he'd let me sit the test again if I did something for him. I could tell that if I didn't, he'd make things worse for me. I don't know why I agreed, but I did. I'm so sorry, B."
"This is not your fault." My eyes were on the floor. "Look at me." I looked up and locked eyes with my wife. "Don't stop looking at me. Please...tell me what he did?"
"He pulled out his knife set, rolled them out on the desk. They were shiny and made me think twice about screaming. Once he had his weapons set up, he pulled me up from the chair and told me to take off my clothes. One by one and fold them...except for my panties. He wanted them. So I gave them to him and folded up everything. Then he told me to press my body against the wall, spread my legs, and stretch my hands up onto my head. While I was doing it, he shoved my panties into my mouth. He pulled out his knife and placed it beside me." I began to pace then, trying to forget the next part but knowing I couldn't.
"Take your time, S." Q said, and I nodded.
"He told me that he'd kept track of every wrong answer I'd had over the semester. Five. It made him mad that I was doing so well that I'd only gotten five wrong in ten tests and quizzes. He made the first slice into me, and when I cried out, he undid his pants. I closed my eyes, and he pressed hard on the cut, insisting that I keep my eyes open. Then he took out this gel stuff and put it on my clit and around my asshole; it was like this tingling thing. God, it was both painful and good...it was torture. When I moaned, he cut me again. Then like the bastard he is, he started lecturing fucking biology at me. Telling me things I'd need to know while he cut my flesh and rubbed his cock on me down there, but he never went inside. When his phone alarm went off right after he finished making his five cuts, I waited there, feeling the blood trickle down my ass and legs. He took the panties from my mouth, wiped up all the blood, and then stuck them in his pocket. He told me he had another class soon, so I needed to finish him off so he wouldn't be late."
"What does that mean?" Britt asked, "Finish him off?"
"He had been rubbing himself on me...groped me while he jacked off, made me whisper his name...and how much I loved it. Then he finished on the cuts, making them burn. I refused the drugs he wanted to give me except for that one pill. He promised me it wasn't narcotics, but I was dumb to believe him. After what I felt in the shower, I know it was something stronger than I've had in forever."
"So did he just leave you there?" Quinn asked.
"He made me lean back against the wall and rub myself while he prepared for his class. Then he watched me get dressed, then escorted me out in the hall just before it was time for class. I went to cross-country...had time to wipe myself down but not enough time to shower. When I got to the apartment, I wiped my back with a baby wipe before drinking wine. I was snapping at you, B...because I felt disgusting. I'm sorry."
Britt was on her feet in an instant while Quinn stopped the recording. My wife swept me up in her arms and took us back into the bathroom. There was still blood on the floor, but the glass that had shattered was gone. When had she cleaned that? I stood in the shower while Britt took the bandage off, then she stood in there with me and washed me clean.
Her eyes barely left mine as she tried to clean away all the grime that I felt lingering, but it wasn't the kind of grime you could see.
"We'll get him."
"I hope so." I whispered.
"We will. If you can't...tomorrow...I will tell your mom and play her the recording."
"Thanks."
"Did you eat today?"
"Lunch with Q."
"After we are done in here, I'm going to have Quinn look at the cuts to make sure they don't need stitches or anything...then I'll bandage you. You need to eat, then go straight to bed."
"Will you sleep with me? I've missed you, B?"
"Definitely, and if you need Quinn there with you too...that's fine."
"Okay."
"I love you. I'm not angry; this is not your fault. We are going to take him down, I promise."
"Thanks, B. I needed to hear that."
"You were so brave, baby."
Brittany's POV
Ana didn't even need to ask me to take over everything after she dropped the bomb on us. I just did exactly what my gut told me to do. I knew how much scrubbing her body helped her feel just a little cleaner, so I washed her from head to toe twice before spreading lotion over her skin.
I bandaged the angry-looking cuts and then kissed her back from her ass to her neck. She shivered when I kissed her, each and every time.
"I love you." I would say after each kiss, and she would whimper.
When we got back to the room, Quinn was gone, and so was the baby monitor.
A note was in her place,
S
Going to keep an eye on Dani for the night. You two should talk.
I'm here if you need me!
-Q
"I guess it was a great idea to put twin beds in both their rooms." Ana said before sitting down in front of the food. Then she looked up at me with wide eyes and then down at the food. I knew what she would say before she said it, so I put up a hand to stop that noise.
"You need to eat. It doesn't have to be a binge session; just eat something. You need to soak up the wine, and whatever was in that pill."
"Fine...you'll eat too, right? I made you a sandwich with extra pickles."
"Duh."
I sat on the loveseat next to her and turned on the television. "Scandal?" I asked, and she shook her head.
"Something lighter than that."
"Right, how about Frozen?"
"Perfect."
We ate in silence as we watched Elsa and Anna on the screen; at one point during the whole Let Go Thing, I looked over at Ana-she was sobbing silently into a pillow.
"Baby?" I touched her back, forgetting for a moment about the cuts, and she jerked away from my touch.
Her eyes were wild as they met mine, then I watched the shift...she'd made a decision. She wiped away her tears and then crawled over to me, lifting my arm so that she could rest underneath it.
There was a knock at the door, and I felt relieved.
"Come in!"
Quinn poked her head in, looking pale with a phone to her ear. Then she handed it to me.
I looked at her for some kind of direction, but she just reached a handout and pulled my wife up. She whispered something into her ear, and Ana hugged her tightly.
"Hello?" I said into the phone, so confused with what was going on.
"Britt, sweetie, hi!"
"Mom?"
"Yes, neither you nor Santana were answering your phones. Quinn is going to really need you."
"What happened?"
"There was an incident; her father was killed by his mistress. It's all anyone here is talking about. I wasn't sure if Judy knew or what, but I wanted to check on her. She'd just gotten a text from her mom that said, 'Ding, Dong, that bastard's dead, it was a group text to her and Fran."
"That's horrible."
"Just be there for her, okay, and if any of you need someone to talk to...call me."
"Thanks, Mom. I love you."
"I love you too, baby."
I watched my wife turn off her own sadness to take care of Quinn and wanted to tell her to stop shoving things down, but I couldn't. How many times had Quinn put aside her own shit for us?
Countless.
Ana shut off the television and pulled Quinn into the bed with her. I sat there still stunned, and then realized that I had Quinn's phone still. It was just after 2am, so I knew that the Lopezes were either all up drinking and talking or they were about to go to bed.
I carried the remaining food out of the room along with Quinn's phone and left my two favorite people to rest.
Once I was in the kitchen, I called Gladys.
"Brittany?"
"Hi, Ma...did I wake you?"
"No, we're sitting in the kitchen having coffee and talking."
"I don't know about us coming over in the morning. My mom just called, told us that Russell died. Quinn's taking it hard. Ana is not going to leave her side, we both know that, but Quinn did manage to record her. I'm sending it to you. Can you just find out what you can, see if we can take this guy down?"
"Of course. Has anyone talked to Judy?"
"I don't know."
"I'll call and check on her too. Send me the video, and I'll see what I can do."
"Thank you."
"You have a lot on your plate, Brittany; make sure you take your pills, and if you need me to come to get Daniela in the morning, I will."
"Thanks. I'll let you know. Sending the video now. It's hard to hear, which is why I don't want to make Ana tell the story again if I can help it."
"Oh boy."
"Just prepare yourself; it's hard to hear."
"Thanks, mi'ja. We'll come to you ladies in the morning with breakfast and the family. I think Quinn could use that. In fact, I'm going to make a phone call and see if I can make Celia get her ass home."
"She'd love that."
"Consider it done. Quinn is one of my girls."
"Goodnight, Ma."
"Goodnight."
Back in my bedroom, Ana was staring off with glazed eyes while she held a sleeping Quinn tightly.
"You need to sleep." I whispered to her.
"Can't."
"Well, try."
"Maybe now that you're here."
And she was right, the moment I had my arms around them both, Ana closed her eyes, and all the stress on her face relaxed.
I'm not sure how long it took for me, but I didn't wake until morning when I finally did pass out.
Santana's POV
I felt like I had just drifted off when I heard the crackle of the baby monitor and a voice whispering. "Mami? You there? Mami?" Hearing my baby girl's voice made my heart warm. I tucked Britt's arm around Q, then I left them to sleep.
Dani was standing up in her little crib, staring at me with watery eyes.
I turned off the monitor, then I ran my thumbs across her cheeks. "Que te pasa, Mi'ja?"
"Ven." She squeaked.
There was no way I fit in her bed, so I picked her up and carried her over to the twin bed that Quinn had been sleeping in.
I tucked us in and watched Daniela fall back to sleep; I watched her for as long as I could before I was sleeping again.
My head ached something terrible when I woke up again. When I opened my eyes, it was to my daughter just inches from my face staring at me.
"Hi." I said, and she grinned.
"HI!"
"You stink." I told her, and she cackled like a little psycho.
"I potty." She said to me. I felt her butt, and true to form, she was in a very dry pullup.
So I sat up with her in my arms. There just feet from the twin bed, was a potty with poop in it.
She'd gotten off the bed, gone to the potty, and climbed back up to tell me about it. Of course, I was sure that her butt wasn't clean, but you know, baby steps.
"Good job, baby!"
"I Dani, not baby!" She said to me with a full attitude.
"Daniela." I corrected.
"No. I Dani!" She insisted.
"Fine, you're Dani."
"Thank you." She said.
"Do you want to take a bubble bath?" I asked her as I undressed her.
"Si!"
"With duckies?"
"Si!"
"Great. Let's go!"
I put her on the floor and let her lead the way into the bathroom.
She looked at me excitedly as I got the tub going with the pink bubbles, her very favorite ones that smelled like strawberries.
"Song?" She said while I wiped her butt.
"Music?"
"Si."
"Okay, let's get you in the tub first, then I'll put the music on. Okay?"
"Mami song?"
"Sure, baby."
"No, baby!"
"Right, sorry, Dani."
I heard a chuckle from behind me and looked up to see Britt standing in the doorway.
"Did you just call her Dani?" She asked, looking way more rested than I felt.
"She insists."
"Your sister is here." She said as she knelt down next to me and began pouring Daniela's rubber ducks into the tub.
"Yay!"
"Did she bring my mom?"
"Ceily is here. Gladys called her last night, and she got on the first flight; she came straight here. She's with Q in our room."
"Holy crap."
"I know. I kinda freaked out when I woke up to her standing over us. She got all squinty-eyed until I woke up Quinn, then she was kicking me out of our room."
"So you came looking for me?
"Yup."
The levity of my morning shifted once Mami showed up with a familiar face at her side.
"Detective...hi." I said, and the woman lifted her head in shock.
"Wait, Gladys...this is your daughter."
"Yes, wait, do you two know each other?"
"Cafe?" I asked the room, and they both nodded. I left them in the living room and went to the kitchen to make three cups of coffee nervously.
Britt came bouncing into the kitchen without Daniela a moment later and kissed my cheek.
"Quinn has Dani. Said she needed the cuddles more than I did."
"She has a point."
Britt leaned closer to me and placed her hand on my wrist to steady it. I'd been shaking so much that some of the coffee had spilled onto the counter.
"What's wrong?" She said before pressing a kiss to my temple.
"Um...you'll see."
"No, tell me now. Please?"
I put down the coffee pot and turned to my wife, happy that I had her alone.
"B, I got arrested when I lived here with Marco. I was trying to Carmen off the street, we got herded up in a prostitution sting. They brought us in, fed us, and checked us for sores and stuff. Just making sure that we were okay. We slept in a cell, and then they released us in the morning. The detective who took care of us instead of booking us is currently in our living room with Mami."
"No shit?"
"Yup."
"Did she recognize you?"
"Yeah, but she didn't know my real name. I had my fake id. As far as she is concerned, my name is Rosario Cruz."
"Oh."
"Yup."
"Well, Rosario, let's get this coffee together so we can go talk. I sent your mom the video of you talking, so she knows everything. You don't have to retell anything that you don't want to."
"Thanks, B."
"Anything for Santana." She said in that silly cholo voice from the movie Selena.
Britt held the coffee tray for me while I followed closely behind her, hoping to keep from shaking in front of this woman.
I mean, I was 21, it's not like Mami could ground me, and she knew I escorted, so it wouldn't be a shock to her, but at the same time, I thought I'd never cross paths with this woman again.
As I Britt set the tray down, Detective Dominguez was still looking at me in confusion.
"How do you know my mom?" I asked her.
"We went to Columbia together, pre-law track, but I chose to go into law enforcement rather than law school."
"Which is just law enforcement in another form." Mami said, and the detective nodded.
"I'm sorry, you look so familiar, and I can't place it. Have we met?" She asked as I sat down on the loveseat next to B.
"Actually, we have. You were the detective that arrested me in the prostitution round-up a few years ago. I went by Rosario Cruz even though they still managed to get my real name eventually." I put a handout, and she shook it before looking at my mom in confusion.
"I'm a Captain now...I knew that I'd seen you before. Why would a daughter of yours be caught up in that, Glady?"
"Marco Vega, remember I told you she was with him for a bit, and he got wrapped up in his stuff. She was escorting; I didn't know until after it was over." Mami said before taking a long, shaky, embarrassed sip from her cup.
"Well, that explains the video that your mom showed me." She said, sitting forward a bit. "Do you mind if I dig into your story a bit...I need some context so that I can properly pursue these allegations."
"That's fine. Ask me anything that you think will help my case."
"Start from the beginning...when did you first have relations with Dr. Cray?"
"First as in the present or before then?"
"Let's start with...the very first encounter."
"Summer 2011...in Brooklyn...he was referred to Marco by Mr. Evans...I think. All I know is that from the start, he was very controlling. I was to show up at his house in nothing but a trench coat and heels...in the middle of the summer! He was paying me five thousand per hour, so as far as Marco was concerned, I needed to listen to this guy, or there would be huge consequences to pay."
"Like what?"
"Marco...he used...a lot of different tactics to get me to behave...but at that point, I was already addicted to coke...so his punishment was to cut me off...which would have meant being sick, going on jobs sober, and feeling the things they did to me. That wasn't an option. I had to survive...so I went along with things."
"And how often did you meet with Dr. Cray?"
"At first, it was every week...then that turned into three times a week...ironically...that's how much I see him now. The universe is funny...right?"
I tried to joke, but the faces around me were serious and unyielding...all except Brittany's. She smiled lightly and squeezed my hand to show her support. I was grateful for that.
God, I'm was so grateful for her.
When this was all over, I needed to take her somewhere special and let her fuck my brains out. It'd been way too long since we had anything but nice, sweet, married sex. Our fire was just on a simmer; I missed the inferno.
I rested my head on her shoulder for a moment and then sat up again.
"How long did your sessions with him last?"
I closed my eyes and pressed my fingers against my temples.
My head was starting to hurt pretty badly.
"Always three hours, down to the minute."
"So nine hours a week?"
"Yes."
"What was an average night like?"
"Ha!" I barked out, feeling like this woman really didn't think through what she had asked. I looked to Mami, but she didn't see the humor, and when I looked over at Britt, she shook her head. She was right...this was serious. "I'm sorry...it's just...with him...nothing was average. Every time was something new."
We talked for over an hour as I explained the lengths that Dr. Cray would go through to torture me and force me to enjoy it.
By the time I had answered all of her questions, the headache from that morning had turned from a dull ache to a ravenous roar.
I leaned against Britt and squeezed her hand as hard as I could.
And she took it from there, clearing her throat to interrupt the detective and Mami's side conversation.
"Can you guys excuse us for a second?"
Britt didn't wait for anyone to argue; she simply pulled me up and helped me walk back into the kitchen.
I slid down until I was bent over the countertop's cool granite with my forehead pressed against it.
"I feel like shit." I mumbled.
"You're doing great in there." Britt came around and placed a cool hand to the back of my neck and rubbed my back with the other.
"I just don't get you." I said as I clenched my eyes closed, trying to get the room to stop rocking.
"What do you mean?"
"You should be so fucking pissed with me...that I kept this from you."
"I'm upset that he's been making you feel like this for weeks, and you haven't told me. I can't be mad about what happened yesterday, though. That's not your fault. I have your back, your front, your sides. I'm in this with you, baby. Nothing can change that."
"Fuck, how did I get so lucky?"
"I've been trying to figure that out myself." She pulled me into her arms and let me rest my face against her neck for as long as I needed to.
When I finally pulled back and smiled at her, she winked at me.
"How can you want me, even now?" I asked, and she growled a bit.
"I always want you, Lolli." She placed her hands on my hips and then kissed me before pulling back and looking into my eyes.
"I don't deserve you or any version of your love and trust. Not when I've got so many secrets that I can't keep track of them all. I just wanted a simple life with you and our babies. School is great, but I just want to run away half the time."
"I trust you, Santana. With my life...I know that college has always been your dream, especially at Columbia, but if your dream is becoming a nightmare, it's okay to find a new dream. Whenever you want to run away from it all, I will be right by your side looking for new dreams with you." I squinted my eyes at her because it almost felt like she was speaking from experience...and maybe she was. "What you did or didn't do in the past is not important. It's what you do now, with the time you have, that matters. To be honest, I'm glad that you were forced to tell me sooner...because maybe we can fix this before spring break is over and you never have to see him again. Right?"
I hadn't thought of that.
If this worked out...and Captain Dominguez was able to actually do something...then this would be over, and maybe I could actually finish school before finding a new dream.
All I had to do was cooperate.
"I'm not going to make you go into every detail...but I would like to know what you experienced. What made him the most dangerous man you were with...for even Marco?"
"He may teach biology...but he's a chemist. He has these enhanced mutations of street drugs. His specialty, though, is heroin...and that scared the shit out of Marco...because he knew that if I started shooting up...it would be even harder to control my addiction...especially when I got back to Lima. Plus, he made me do deplorable things...most involving pain and blood. He gets off on that...and like I said, it scared the shit out of Marco."
"So he put a stop to it...what was the tipping point for him?"
"He found me in our apartment...overdosing with a needle sticking out of my arm. My heart stopped...but then started again...and when it did...he beat me so badly that I couldn't walk for a few days. Then he forbid me from seeing Dr. Cray...and especially from taking his drugs."
"What did Dr. Cray do with these drugs?"
"He sells them...well, he has dealers that sell for him. It's the only way he could afford to pay me so much."
"Did he ever...let you sample the drugs?"
"It was required...he would put cocaine on my lips before kissing me and...down...well...down there before going down on me. He liked to have sex without protection...and was always putting cocaine down there...I think it got me high much faster, and it would last a really long time. It was the only part of the whole ordeal that I actually looked forward to...that amazing high."
Just talking about the high made my hands tremor.
Britt squeezed my hand tighter as I fought the urge to rub my palms together.
I hated cravings, and this just seemed to make them more apparent. I avoided looking at anyone even though I knew that they didn't blame me; I was afraid to see their disgust.
How could they not have some of that disgust for me? I willingly went back to this guy every other day.
I felt nauseous as I slammed my eyes closed and nibbled on my fingernails.
"Do you need a minute, Santana?"
"No, no...I'm fine...just ask me something else."
"Okay...were there other things that he did with you...that scared you?"
My laugh was filled with bitterness as I nodded.
This was, after all, the very thing that had me in the middle of these questions at this very second.
"His favorite thing to do...was what scared me the most...he loved to...cut me, watch me squirm as the blood poured from me...and then he would spread cocaine over the cuts...just to watch me scream. He gets off on pain...and because it was immediately in my bloodstream...I would go from pain to pleasure, and then he would fuck me...and if I fought him...he would shoot me up with heroin...but not often...because it was too expensive."
"So tell me what happened yesterday."
I looked over at Britt and mouthed an apology before turning my watery eyes towards Captain Dominguez.
"Since the first class...he has stared at me...like obsessively staring at me. Usually...I can ignore it, but he's been making it his mission to taunt me each day. Things have been tough with the move and then...Britt and I haven't been getting along lately...she hasn't slept in the same bed with me in weeks. I just have a lot going on...and this was a tough midterm...I blanked. Like I didn't even write my name on the paper. So he called me into his office. It was the first time...that he and I had been alone since the night I nearly overdosed."
"What happened next?"
"Everything you saw on the video...I can't repeat it."
"Mind if we watch it, and you can just point out anything you missed?"
"Sure." So we watched it, and I sobbed as I listened to myself talk about what happened. "That's it...that's what happened." I looked up at the Captain, and she scribbled something down. Then Mami broke the silence.
"Do you still have the sweatshirt?" I looked at my mother for a long moment, trying to think of what she was talking about, but then I remembered how I had pulled it on over my bloody, cum-soaked back.
"It's in my gym bag...I was going to wash it before Britt could see it...it's in the back of the foyer closet...I haven't gotten around to washing it, and now I'm happy that I didn't." Mami nodded and then got up and left the room, looking like she was going to break down.
"I'll go get it." She mumbled, leaving me and B with the Captain. I watched her scribble down notes while I rested my head on Britt's shoulder. I could feel how tense she was, and from the way she was gripping my hand, I knew that despite her being supportive, she'd reached a limit in what she could handle.
And if I was honest, so had I.
Mami came back in with the bag and raised a brow in question; I nodded. She dropped it in front of the Captain and then dropped down next to me on the sofa. She took my other hand, and I could tell it was more for her benefit than my own.
"So tell me...now that I have run down intimate details of my life...what happens next?"
Captain Dominguez looked over at Mami and then back at me.
"I want to meet with your mom...prepare your statement...and talk to her about some things...then I will leave her to discuss what she thinks is appropriate for the case with you."
I held tight to Britt's hand.
"Is this going to make my life hell...when I go back to school? Tell me now...so I can make plans to transfer."
"Let's just say...that your testimony is just putting the final nail in Dr. Cray's coffin. I have been working with the FBI to nail this bastard for two years now. From the sounds of it...you know more about being in his home and office...locating where he keeps his drugs...than all the warrants in the world could provide. You are a material witness, and with your help...we can put him away for a very long time."
Two days into Spring Break, while I was finger painting with my kids and my nephews in the kitchen, my phone chimed about ten times, but I was covered in paint, so I ignored it.
Izzy was excited mixing colors and comparing him to other colors when I heard the front door open, then close, then open again.
But I had little disputes to focus on, like my nephew being the grammar police.
"Who dat?" Izzy asked.
"Who's that." Xavier corrected.
They went back and forth like this for a few minutes until Evan held up his art for them to all gawk at.
"Nice save." I said to him, and he winked.
Britt came into the room to tell us that lunch was ready with a look in her eyes that told me she knew exactly what all the phone notifications were about.
She didn't look happy.
"What?" I said to her, but she glanced at the kids and shook her head.
"Alright, kids, pizza is in the dining room with Titi Mari and Tio Saul."
They all cheered.
"But we need to clean up!" Evan said, and they all stuck their tongues out at him.
Between Evan, Britt, and I, we got all the kids washed up and in their seats at the table with Mari and Saul in what felt like seconds.
B looped her finger in my overalls and pulled me out of the room the moment we did.
"What is it, B?"
"Not down here."
"You're freaking me out."
"Trust me."
I nodded and followed her out of the house and into the car.
Britt drove us silently away from the house until we were on the highway, driving north instead of south.
We were on the road for a good ten minutes before I broke.
"Britt, baby, you need to talk to me...where are we going?"
"Lake George."
"That's a three-hour drive! We don't even have snacks, and I'm not packed; I didn't get to say goodbye to the kids. Brittany Susan, if this is another God-forsaken surprise rehab trip, I will murder you!"
She actually smirked at that, put her hand on my thigh, and said only one thing. "What was the last thing I said before we left the house?"
"To trust you and I do."
She nodded and then turned up the music.
I looked around for my phone, but I must have left it in the kitchen.
Had she planned for that?
What the actual fuck was going on?
Brittany's POV
Gladys had called me before the school could message Ana; she'd told me the fucked up news, and I wanted to scream, but I couldn't. I told Gladys that she absolutely could not drop this bomb on Ana when she was already fragile; she'd been at Sandra's getting ready to come over and blow up our worlds. Mari was coming over for support, but that wasn't going to happen.
Gladys agreed to let me handle it, but she had already texted my wife to give her the rundown. Which is why I hid Ana's phone the first chance that I got.
I packed a single overnight bag with fresh underwear, toothbrushes, and my strap-on...the essentials. I threw it in the backseat and then went in to
Quinn was in Ohio dealing with her family drama. Ari was teaching a dance symposium with Tony in the Poconos. The sisters hadn't been such good sisters lately.
So I called Mari myself and asked her to take care of the kids for a few nights; I just needed to give Ana some time away from everyone, but I needed to do it fast before Gladys could ruin things.
It may not have been nice, but I did what I had to do.
Her phone was at that moment buried in the overnight bag; she didn't need the bullshit.
Not yet.
I pulled off at the first rest stop so that she could pee and I could grab road trip snacks. I could tell that she was anxious for me to clue her in on the sudden trip out of town, but that needed to wait just a little longer. In Lake George, she knew nobody, and drugs were harder to come by.
That was what I was counting on.
Rest stops could be full of drug dealers for all I knew. I couldn't take the chance, which is why I took her phone out of the bag while she was in the bathroom and shoved it in my back pocket after turning it off. There were more messages, and I wouldn't dare erase them, but she couldn't see it.
"I'm trusting you, B, but babe, you have to give me something, anything, or I'm going to start guessing the worst. You know me, Brittany." I said, and she was right.
"I'll tell you when we get halfway, I promise."
"That's another half hour from now!" She stomped her foot like Izzy, and I smirked.
"I know."
"Fine, but I'm going to have an attitude until then."
"Okay, if that's what you feel like doing, I won't stop you, but I plan to play my music loud and dance while I drive."
"You don't care that this is hurting me?"
"It's not hurting you. You're just impatient."
She rolled her eyes at me and then glared, but I just went around the car and opened the door for her. She got in and crossed her arms over herself, full attitude. I buckled her in then reminded her who the heck I was.
"Just to be clear, Santana Lopez, you don't scare me, baby. You never have. I said that I'd tell you when we are halfway, but if you get bitchy, you'll have to wait until we get there."
After I said that, her attitude practically vanished, as I suspected it would.
"Is there anything you want to do when we get there?" She asked, trying to sound casual.
"It'll still be early; maybe we can have a glass of wine, sit out on the back porch that faces the lake, and talk."
"You're going to let me have wine; this must be bad."
"Don't you think we deserve a glass of wine?"
"Of course I do, but I've been so careful not to."
"Tonight, we have a drink, and we talk for real, no phones or distractions."
"Will you be sleeping with me tonight? I've noticed that we still haven't shared a bed...it's been almost a month."
"I don't plan on sleeping anywhere but in the bed with you."
"Promise?"
I held up my pinky, and she squeezed it.
She seemed content after my pinky promise. She turned up the music and began munching on Red Vines.
We got stuck in a detour that added another hour onto our drive, but my wife didn't complain because she passed out halfway through the drive.
She didn't wake up until I turned off the car.
I grabbed the bag and then came around to open her door.
Her eyes were glazed when I held out my arm for her.
"Careful, it's rocky."
"Mmmhmm."
Even with the warning, she stepped wrong and cursed.
"You okay?"
"Yeah."
The house I rented was massive, way too big for just the two of us, but it was the only house available on short notice. Apparently, they had just gotten a cancellation about ten minutes before I called, which only tells me that it was destiny.
"Wow, B. This is huge."
"I know."
"How many places are you going to try to screw me?"
"As many as you want."
She nodded and then went straight to the kitchen to rummage around.
I left her there and took our bag up to the master bedroom. I didn't bother checking her phone. Instead, I glanced at mine just in case, but I only had one message from Mari.
Kids are fine. Take care of my sister-Mari
Just got in, her phone is still off. Thanks for this!-Britt
I sat on the edge of the bed and tried to prepare myself for a hard conversation, but I knew that the only way to do this was to rip off the bandage.
I'd brought us here not just for her but for me, we both relied on other people to cushion the hard times in our marriage, but I couldn't do that...not right at that moment.
Our marriage, her sanity, and her ego deserved more than that.
"I found a ton of wine, got a white for you and a red for me."
"Thanks." I said as I looked up at my wife, who was in leggings, a paint-splattered shirt, and a top knot. She had not been ready to be out of the house, but so far, she'd hung in, even if it was rough at first.
"You look like you're going to cry."
"I might."
"Let's have a drink. You need it more than I do."
I took the glass as she came closer, but she didn't sit down. Instead, she stood in front of me and waited. I took a long sip and then smiled at her.
The tears were fighting to fall, but I tried to keep it together.
Santana's POV
Britt's whole posture was telling, something had happened, and the only thing that made a lick of sense was that she needed to drop a bomb on me.
I just hoped that it was something that wouldn't break me any further.
My back ached from sitting in that car for nearly four hours.
I found the wine rack full with a note from our hosts,
Enjoy! From our family winery in Napa.-Tazi
I couldn't find a wine opener, so I searched through drawers and found a pill bottle in the process.
My mind immediately went back to my brief foray into opioids and just how terrible they made me feel.
The closest hospital to the lake was about ten miles away, which meant I'd die if I had another seizure.
So I pushed it to the side and grabbed the corkscrew.
After pouring two goblets of wine, I went to the bathroom on a hunch.
I locked the door and began a thorough search of their medicine cabinet, but it had nothing but aspirin. My back needed something a bit stronger, so I went through the linen closet and found a latch. I yanked it and booyah, more pill bottles, but this time, it was less addictive than the kitchen stuff.
Britt was pacing above my head, which made me feel even more anxious because she only did that when trying to gather her words.
I grabbed a few Xanax, a pill that I knew I could handle, before putting the bottle back. I didn't know how much time I had, so I used the soap dispenser to crush the two pills on the countertop.
The pacing had stopped, so I quickly snorted the pills then shoved the rest into my bra, just like old times. I had given myself a limit...four pills tops.
My back relaxed as I sat on the toilet to relieve myself.
I was paranoid as I blew my nose and then looked into the tissue...no blood.
How long until there was?
I could hear Britt in the kitchen as I washed my hands with zero back pain.
Right then, I felt invincible.
Which is exactly what I needed to deal with whatever Britt had in store for me.
I found her on the side porch, next to a lit firepit, as she drank her wine.
"Hey, Britt Britt." I said as I pulled a chair close to hers before sitting down. She handed me the wine glass without looking at me; instead, she stared into the flames.
"Calling your mom in the first place was a dumb move. We should have gone to the cops ourselves. She insists dropping the charges is the best option."
"She didn't." I said in mock outrage, but then she looked at me, and tears fell from her eyes. "B, don't cry. It's okay...this is just how it goes sometimes."
"How could she drop the charges?" She asked me and verified what I felt would happen in the first place stung just a bit.
"Britt, you remember why I stopped talking to Mami, right?"
"I don't know, something about Grady."
"I filed assault charges. We had video evidence and witnesses. Mami thought it was best to just pay him to go away...like reward him. She said that he knows things about me that could tank my life; she claims that she was just protecting me."
"And now he's back."
"Exactly, so she paid him 100k for him to leave and come back. It's bullshit."
"Did you know she'd do this?"
"I had an inkling. That's why I was pissed that you called her. She is an opportunist, B. If she can find a way to win in the long run, it will be worth it to her to make some sacrifices, even if one of those sacrifices is me."
"She said that the FBI's case against Dr. Cray is bigger and that your case would interfere with him getting the maximum sentence."
I shrugged, not letting myself feel this. The pill was doing wonders for my ability to hear something that would have sent me spiraling an hour ago.
"That's just how it goes sometimes."
Wrong move.
Britt took the undrunk wine from my hands and came to kneel in front of me, her hands were on my face, and she was staring into my eyes. Even with just the firelight, I knew she was examining my pupils just like Mari had taught her forever ago.
"You're high." She said.
"I'm not."
"Where did you get drugs from?"
"I'm not on drugs." I insisted.
"Pills?"
I bit my lip and closed my eyes, but she growled, "What did you take?"
"Xanax." I admitted. "Found some and snorted it."
"Snorted?"
"My back hurt from the drive, and I knew you were going to drop some bomb on me."
"So you chose to numb yourself?" Her voice was getting louder now, and I just kept my eyes closed, not wanting to see the disappointment in her eyes. "Santana, LOOK AT ME!" She yelled, so I did. I opened my eyes and looked at all the hurt that she was feeling.
"I'm sorry." I said, not even feeling that.
"Should I be worried?" She asked, and I knew for a fact that she was asking more than that. She'd dished out one spanking right before I went to rehab over a year before, we never discussed making it a part of our lives, but now she was asking me.
I had been feeling unworthy and dirty since Dr. Cray had touched me more intimately than Britt had in a month.
"Yes." I said. "Please." I begged, and she stood to her feet, holding her hand out for me to take.
So I got up and followed her inside.
I watched as she went around locking doors and closing blinds before she pulled a chair to the center of the room. She leaned on the back of it and stared at me, her eyes tracing my body.
"Tell me what you need me to do."
"I don't know."
"You were just violated, Santana; I am not going to just do what I want to your body without your consent."
"You have my consent."
"That's not how this works."
"I make the rules." I said, and she rolled her eyes.
"No, you don't. I'm in control; I have been for a while now. You just haven't been paying attention. Right now, you're high, and I had a drink. I don't want to hurt you or your back. So...tell me what you need."
I shifted from one foot to the other, then I reached out a hand to her.
"Let's go to the bedroom."
"Is that what you need right now?"
"Yes."
She nodded, then she guided us up the stairs and into the bedroom.
It was spacious and way less intimidating than the living room.
"Now what?" She said.
"I need you to have your way with me, B. He made me feel powerless and ugly, but there was something that he did...maybe it was the control...or the way I didn't have to fucking think that was freeing. You used to do that for me sometimes, and it was amazing. Like after my breakdown...you took over, and it was the freest I ever felt. Right now, with the way he took over, it feels like I am his."
Britt slammed her fist against the wall before pointing an angry finger somewhere to my left. "YOU are not his. YOU are mine, and YOU are YOURS but not his."
I pulled my shirt over my head, then took off the bra. The two remaining pills fell onto the floor, and I watched her eyes tracking them before she looked at me with so much hurt. I pushed off the rest of my clothes and then went over to the wall; I stood just like I had in that office and waited.
"I'm not having sex with you...especially not after seeing those pills. You're beyond sexy times, baby. I won't do this anymore; getting through to you by fucking you isn't going to work for me."
"Why not? That's what we are. Sex is our love language."
"It's not. Mine is touch, and yours is words of affirmation. You need to know you are loved, and I love you. Even when you lie to me and take drugs...I love you. I want to make love to you but not like this. You need to stop trying to numb the hurt. It doesn't work."
"I'm sorry, B." I whispered to her.
"Not yet."
"Huh?"
"You're slipping right in front of my eyes, and I won't let you break. It's one thing to overpower you sexually; it's another to support you in all the ways that really count."
"Support?"
"I know it's crazy because Marco has you so screwed up in your head about stuff. You are reckless without rules/structure. We can do the spanking if you need that, maybe some consequences for the crap you pulled tonight, but sex is not how we are going to fix this."
"No?"
"No...you need love, Santana, and no one knows how to give you that better than me. Even if they think they do, I won't spank you right now because your body has been hurt enough. Instead, you don't get sexy time, but we can cuddle, you can come down off those pills, and then we can have a REAL conversation about what you want to do next."
I was so thrown off by Britt, she was leading in her own way, and I wanted to follow...just to see if she was right. If doing things her way would make me happier and feel more secure.
"So...what then, you don't want to fuck me anymore?"
"I do...so badly."
"Then do it!"
"No."
"This is stupid...you're acting stupid." I snapped at her and watched the little bit of light in her eyes turn cold.
I'd fucked up big time.