To Be Alone (Hozier)
Brittany's POV
For the first time in a month, I attempted to sleep next to my wife but just like before, she kicked and screamed, only now she was punching. I grabbed my pillow and went over to the sofa.
She seemed to calm once she was alone, and it made me sad. All I wanted to do was hold her.
I had been too afraid to let the kids sleep with her, but the other night in Dani's room, she'd slept just fine. Maybe her maternal instinct kept her from hurting our baby girl.
She curled up around a pillow and let out a loud snort before falling deeper into sleep.
I watched her until my eyes couldn't stay open for another second.
And I woke up to her silently crying in the darkroom while whispering into the phone.
"I miss you too. It's fine. She's asleep." She glanced my way, and I stared back at her, not bothering to hide it. "Actually, she's awake now. Will you be okay, or do you want me to stay on with you?"
She smiled at me and patted the bed; my whole body ached as I sat up and stretched out my limbs.
I crawled into the bed, but I didn't move any closer as I watched her listen to the person on the other line.
Then she sighed, "You're stronger than this...stop it." I chuckled; she needed to take her own advice. "Where's my sister? Yeah? Well, go talk to her, Q. She went to Lima to be by your side despite everything. Go wake her up and maybe no more drinks tonight. Okay. Okay. She's here...yeah...okay, I love you. Say it! Thank you. Here's B." She held the phone out to me, and I took it.
"Yes?"
"Britt, I'm so sorry for calling so late! Have you asked her?"
"Asked what?"
"If you should be worried? You should be asking that consistently, or she slips."
"You're drunk and telling me what to do when it comes to my wife?"
"I know, it's stupid, but...I just...she told me about the Xanax, and I'm worried."
"Me too."
"You've got this, right? Do I need to do some reckless shit to make you step up and wrap yourself around her again because I can?"
"No. Don't you dare."
"Good answer; I said I wouldn't cross that line with her, and I meant it. I just needed to hear that you're serious."
"And what about you?"
"I'm sitting on the Cheerio field, drinking Vodka all alone, thinking of our glory days."
"That's nuts. You know Sue can see the field from her house; if you don't move, she's going to come out there and-" I was cut off by the loud screech of a megaphone.
"Oh shit! Did you summon her?"
"No, you did."
"FABRAY, the world is better without him. IF you are drinking on my field, you can run laps!" Sue barked through her megaphone.
"And I'm going to go. Go be with Celia, don't be stupid." I said, and my wife's eyes got big.
"Sorry." She mouthed, and I shook my head.
"Okay, gotta go, she's storming this way. Bye!" Quinn said, and then I heard the slosh of a bottle and the line cutting out.
Ana crawled over my lap until she was face down against the covers, and her bare ass was staring back at me. "What are you doing?" I asked.
"I'm ready. I need this...we are both sober. Please?"
"What makes you think that I'm interested in doing this?"
"Because you made me promise that only you would get to see me like this, even if we separated. I need this, and you and I both know that Quinn would do it in a heartbeat."
"She wouldn't."
"Are you confident about that?" She said, her voice muffled by the pillow she had pulled over to rest her head on.
"Yellow?" I asked her, and she wiggled her ass.
"Yes."
I ran my hands over the waterproof bandage Mari had put on her back to cover the stitches she'd had to put in a few days before. Ana hissed, so I took the pillow from under her head and put it on her back, so I wouldn't accidentally hit her cuts.
Then, I took a deep breath and slapped her ass until my hand hurt.
She whimpered into the bed.
"Color?"
"Green."
I rubbed her ass for a moment, and then when the tingles in my palm went away, I began to spank her again, this time with less force but focused on the same spot, which seemed to do the trick because she started sobbing.
"Color?"
"G-Green." She said, her breaths shorter.
"You called me stupid." I said to her, and she wept even harder.
"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...please don't st-stop." She screamed.
"Color?"
"G-G-Green."
My hand started to sting again, so I pushed her legs apart to see if this was doing for her what it was doing for me.
She was soaking my thigh, so I moved my fingers over her clit slowly...too slow, and she whimpered.
"Faster...please?"
"No."
"B...please?"
"No."
"Fuck!"
Her body was getting stiff, so I stopped, and she cried even harder. "You don't get to cum, Santana. No."
"I'm sorry. B, please?!"
I dried my fingers on her thighs as I pulled them closed, then I began to spank her again until she finally, after a few seconds, whimpered. "Yellow." Only then did I push her legs open and sink my fingers into her. She began to hump herself against my leg, and I didn't stop her. "Oh fuck...B!"
Her body went limp, and she trembled, I smacked her ass lightly, and she jerked awake. "Sorry!" She yelped.
"Let's go take a bath; they have a huge jacuzzi tub."
"Okay, but...carry me?"
"How about I come back for you when it's ready?"
"Please?
Ana knelt in front of me in the tub, washing me while I sat watching her.
"Why won't you sit?" I asked, and she rolled her eyes.
"Hurts too much."
"Are you sure that was okay?"
"I needed it, B."
"Do you feel any better?"
"I feel...grounded. Present."
"Promise?"
She stopped moving the washcloth over my skin, and her hands met my thighs as she settled between them. She kissed my lips and then my chin, up to my forehead. Then she pulled back and looked at me so sweetly.
"I promise you that spanking my ass after I lied and disrespected you was more than okay. Thank you for it."
"It's just, we don't even spank our kids; I feel like I'm violating you."
"As someone who has been violated in every way you probably can't imagine, you spanking me isn't even close to a violation. Maybe it is for some people, but I'm not some people."
"Okay."
"Thank you for checking; it means the world to me."
We stayed in the tub into the water, went cold, then I carried her back to bed, dried her off, and tucked her in, but when the time came, I went back to the couch and left her in the bed.
She didn't say a word, but then I turned my back to face the couch, and about five minutes later, she cried herself to sleep.
April
Santana's POV
I couldn't sleep without her next to me for another night; my sore ass and the mind-blowing orgasm told me that she still loved me enough to meet my desires but the fact that we shared that moment and a bath. However, she still chose to sleep on the couch hurt.
After watching her sleep for a long time, I changed into her clothes since mine had paint on them, and she didn't really pack me anything presentable, then took the car keys.
The sun wasn't fully up yet, but I needed out.
I grabbed a cushion from the downstairs couch and threw it on the driver seat before easing my sore ass onto it.
My brain was thinking about my next fix, but that's not what I needed.
My son's birthday was in six days; there was no way that I would miss his birthday.
The day he was born, I didn't get to see him.
On his first birthday, he was sick, and I was in rehab.
His second, he got to see me in person by the grace of God, and I had promised myself then that he would never go another birthday without me in my right mind.
Which meant that I needed to ignore the cravings and go to the store.
I'd been tempted to leave my phone behind, but I didn't want to freak out, Britt.
My wallet wasn't in the bag, but I found a credit card in Britt's pocket.
The grocery store hadn't opened yet, but the strip mall was open, with a long line of cars wrapped through it for Starbucks.
I saw an abandoned diner close by and had a thought.
"Hello?" Croaked a sleepy voice.
"Walker! Hi!"
"Santana?" She groaned, "It's five."
"I know."
"Why are you calling me? We aren't scheduled to have a call until next week."
"I'm in Lake George."
"Where?"
"Upstate New York, it's a trendy tourist destination. There's an abandoned diner...I know we still have the funds allocated for the diner in the city that went south."
"We do."
"I think this would be better suited to a business. I can't get up here all the time, but that's fine, right?"
"It is fine if you know someone that can oversee the business while it gets off the ground. We are short-staffed with Azimio away at college as it is."
"Well, I want to buy the building at least...that way, it's ours. You can fly out here whenever or I can show you pictures. I'm currently sitting in a line for coffee; there are fifteen cars in front of me at five a.m."
"Shit." She sounded awake now.
"Exactly."
"Okay, send me the number, and I'll make them a deal. Quinn clued me in on what's happening there, so I know you are alone with Brittany, and this call shouldn't be happening. So, go handle yourself, stay clean, and I'll contact you about the deal."
"I took Xanax last night, Walker, two of them. I snorted them."
"Shit."
"I know it's terrible, but after what I went through...did Quinn tell you all of it?"
"Don't be mad; she played me the video that you made."
"If it was anyone else, I'd be furious right now, but you have been my sponsor of sorts. You should know that I fessed up to Britt; I'm sober now."
"You need to get to a meeting, Santana."
"I know."
"I'm surprised you're off by yourself; I don't hear Britt."
"She's asleep; I left."
"Santana, you shouldn't be alone right now."
"I know, but I wanted to do something nice."
"Nice would be your wife waking up to your face."
"That was the plan, but it's a long line."
"I'm going to stay on the phone with you then. Just to keep you honest."
"Thanks, Walker."
Walker had insisted that I text Britt to let her know where I was, so I did. Then we had our own little meeting while I waited in line. She talked to me about the possibility of Britt and me staying close to the potential diner while working on opening it.
I laughed, but she didn't.
She said that all roads seem to be leading me out of the city, including my fear of going back to campus.
Dr. Cray wasn't my only demon walking around that place, just the worst.
What if he had revealed how vulnerable and malleable I still was to the other people?
How safe would I be?
When I got back to the house, Britt was standing on the porch with our overnight bag.
I smiled up at her, but she didn't look happy.
"You left."
"I texted you."
"Yes, but you left me here; I had a boat ride planned this morning, and then we were going to head home so we could start planning Izzy's birthday...I wanted to talk to you about some stuff, but you left."
"I'm sorry."
"You broke your sobriety last night, Santana."
I clutched the coffee carrier and bit my lip; her face was so different than I had ever seen it. She reminded me of Court right then, so severe and judging. She was staring me down, and I felt so fucking small.
"I wanted to do something nice; I got you breakfast."
"We can eat it in the car."
"Can't we stay a bit longer?"
"No. It's Monday morning, Santana, people, work...we can't just leave our kids with people."
"Are you saying Mari left?"
"She's a doctor; of course, she left. The kids are with Sandra."
"Oh."
"Let's go."
The drive back to Scarsdale was much faster with fewer cars on the road; Britt put on the soundtrack of her upcoming show at max volume and didn't speak for the entire ride.
When we pulled up to the house, the kids were kicking a ball around with Johnny while my sister sat on our porch knitting.
Britt pulled straight into the garage and then turned to me.
"Let's get one thing straight." She said as she searched my eyes.
I nodded. "Okay?"
"I'm not stupid. You know better than anyone that I have NEVER been stupid; maybe my brain is different, and I can see the good stuff better than most people, but that doesn't make me stupid."
"I know that. I was just...angry."
"Yeah, I know, but that's not the way to deal with your emotions. You know that."
"I do."
"You can't let what he did to you take you down because then he wins. Then you become the trash that he sees you as. Understand?"
"Yes."
"Good."
"I'm sorry about everything, B. I really didn't mean to make you worry."
"And you won't...not for a while." I knew what she was hinting at, but she wasn't going to just come out and say it. She wanted the reins in this relationship. I had fucked up, and she tried to course-correct, and honestly, I'm so fucking tired of thinking and stressing that she can have it all.
I just needed her to know that it was okay...the spanking, the structure, and the focus on my wellness were all shit that I craved. Marco still had this lasting effect on me...he had been right. Control looks good on me.
It's what I know, and I'm good at.
There was no better person to help me through all the bullshit.
I knew that, and so did she.
So, fuck it. She can have it all.
"Yeah? Will you take control of things...just...for a bit?"
"Duh...that's what I'm already doing."
"I need more...Marco level control...just without...the bad stuff."
"We've done that before."
"I know, and right now, I need it again."
"Okay."
She pulled me in for a kiss and then nibbled on my lips. There was a great side-effect to handing over control; the sex was way better. She seemed to feel more freedom in what she did to me, and I loved it.
When we went into the house, Mami was sitting at the kitchen counter with the last person I expected.
The president of Columbia University was sitting in my kitchen having coffee with my mother.
I froze at the door and then looked to my wife.
"Did you know about this?" I hissed.
"No." She said, then walked over and introduced herself.
"Hi, I'm Brittany Lopez, and you are?"
The woman stood and smiled softly, her blue eyes just as cold and calculating as Britt's could be.
"I'm Muriel Davies, the President of Columbia University; I'm here to see Santana."
I stepped from behind my wife and stuck out my hand. "Hi, Dr. Davies, I'm Santana."
She smiled softly at me and held onto my hand a little too long.
"Santana, I came here to extend my sincerest apologies for the trauma that you endured on our campus. We have a zero-tolerance policy for these types of accusations. Dr. Cray has been placed on administrative leave pending an investigation."
"Thank you."
"That being said, should you choose not to return, the investigation will still go forward."
"Okay."
"It's my understanding that you dropped the charges, and while I understand how hard that must have been, the authorities have let me know that the investigation into Dr. Cray runs much deeper."
"So did you let him go when you found out about the assault or when you realized that the FBI is onto him and Columbia's name could be dragged through the mud?" I asked and felt the room go still. "Oh, was I not supposed to say that?"
Mami was glaring at me, and Britt looked at me with a mix of humor and awe.
"Certainly all factors into play."
"Right. Is that all?"
"Yes, it is."
"Next time you go on a mission to protect the school from lawsuits, maybe try not to do it on April Fools' Day." I said to her before slamming the door behind her. I was on a roll; I turned from the door and stormed straight back to the kitchen, where Mami was scolding Brittany about my behavior. "And you!" I said as I moved towards Mami.
Britt wrapped her arms around me and kept me from being within swinging reach of my mother.
"Santana! That is no way to speak to me or anyone else. I raised you better than that!"
"You didn't fucking raise me! I raised myself!" I screeched; the front door opened, just like I knew it would. Sandra just can't help jumping into people's shit.
"That's absurd! How could you have raised yourself? You had your father and me."
"No, I didn't! Papi was either working, drinking, or beating my ass, and you, well, you were just absent. How could you drop the charges without talking to me first?!"
"There are things that you don't understand, Mi'ja. It had to happen this way."
"Explain to me why it had to be like this...go ahead."
"I can't."
"Well then, get the fuck out of my house until you can let go of the fucking secrets. I am your only child, and you have been nothing but an albatross around my fucking neck. GET. OUT!" I screamed before whirling around and storming out of the room.
I needed something...anything...I couldn't take it, but I wouldn't make Britt have to worry about my sobriety...not then.
Which is why she found me sitting right on the bottom step, waiting for her.
"They're gone."
"Where are the kids?"
"Still outside with Johnny and the boys, but Sandra took your mom back to her place."
"Good."
"Why are you just sitting here?"
"Because I didn't want you to think that I was hiding anything or looking for drugs."
"We don't have drugs in this house...right?"
"Yeah...we don't, but I was feeling desperate, and I didn't trust myself to leave this step."
"What do you need?"
"I don't know, B. I'm tired."
"Okay, well, I know it's only the afternoon, but I think you could use a nap before we go."
"Go?"
"I think we need to go to the apartment for the rest of the week...so the kids can be in daycare with their friends, and you can see Amy and go to meetings."
"Okay."
"Yeah?"
"If you think that's best, B...then that's what we'll do."
Brittany's POV
I had Ana drive while I entertained the kids from the backseat.
She needed the time to get her head together in the front seat, and I just wanted to check in on our babies.
I sat between their seats while they talked to each other, paying me no mind.
While I sat, I wrote out a schedule for the next few days. It was Wednesday, which meant that Ana still had four days of break left. I wanted to make sure that by the time she was back in classes that she had her head on straight because there was no way that I could watch her in every moment.
She needed to get her confidence back, and I would do everything in my power to make that happen.
"Babe?" I looked up to see tears in her eyes.
"What's wrong?"
"I...I need to pull over."
"Then pull over as soon as you can...do you need me to drive?"
"Please?"
It was like she was getting hit with all of the emotions from the last few days, all at one moment. She pulled to the side of the road and then buried her face in her hands.
The babies began whining when they heard her sobbing.
I climbed out of the truck and then pulled open the driver's door. Ana was shaking as she sobbed and all I wanted to do was hold her tightly.
And I was faced with a decision. We were barely out of Scarsdale, and while I wanted to go into the city, she obviously couldn't hack it.
"Do you want to go back to the house?"
"No...I want...to go home."
"Okay, the city it is." She shook her head.
"No, B...I want to go HOME...to Lima. I need Quinn and some distance from the city. Can we go?"
"Like drive? That's 9 hours, baby."
"Exactly, it's only noon. We could get there by tonight...you can see your parents, and I could check in on Quinn and Tor."
"We aren't packed."
"Let's just get stuff on the way, B...please? I need this."
"Okay, climb in the passenger seat. We'll go as long as this tank takes us, then we will stop to feed the kids...okay?"
"Thanks, B."
I waited for her to climb into the passenger seat and then got in the driver's seat. I couldn't believe that we were about to drive all the way to Ohio on a whim.
But she needed it, and I would make it happen.
We changed diapers at rest stops and got gas and food at the same places.
The closer that we got to Lima, the lighter my wife seemed. It was like magic.
An hour out, she asked to drive, and I was more than willing to take the break.
The first thing she did was cue up the Bluetooth and start making calls.
"Yeah?"
"Hey, Q."
"Hi."
"What are you doing?"
"I'm at the Rage Cage. Your sister is in there crushing dishes like a maniac."
We heard the crackle and then a long breath.
"Are you outside smoking?" Ana asked.
"Of course, I am."
"Well, cut that crap out. Isaac will never forgive you."
"My darling godson isn't here, San. No worries."
"We um...are on our way. We'll be in town in about 45 minutes."
"Really?! You came home for the funeral? San...that's...wow!"
Ana looked at me with wide eyes. She'd forgotten that Russell's funeral was the next night, and so had I, but why tell Quinn it hadn't been planned; she'd been our rock for so long. We should have been here in the first place.
"Yeah, Q...I needed to be here for you."
"Where's B?"
"She's here; it's a family road trip."
"Awesome! I'll go um...get Ceily to stop being a nut."
"No. Enjoy your date, I'm sure you already paid, and I don't give refunds. We'll be at the apartment."
"Cool. It will be nice to not be at Judy's...can I crash there with you guys? Celia has been letting me be at the hotel with her, but you know, I need space. We're not exactly together."
"Sure, Q."
"Thank God!"
"We are going to head straight to the apartment, get the kids in bathed and in bed...see you tonight?"
"I'm going to stay with Ceily tonight, but tomorrow after the funeral...definitely."
"Okay, Q. See you tomorrow then."
While Ana talked to Q, I texted Walker.
Hi, friend!-Britt
Hey there, what's up? How is she?-Walker
Good. We are about 20 mins out from town. Are you home?-Britt
Bowling league tonight. I should be home around 10:30. Charlie is home though-Walker
We will be staying in our place for a few days. You'll be around, right?-Britt
If that's you asking if I'm going to drag her ass to meetings, yes. I absolutely will. I'll see you ladies in the morning!-Walker
Have fun!-Britt
The kids were so tired that they didn't even ask to play in the tub. They both just stood there and let us wash them up while they stood there looking like zombies.
We tucked them into the big bed in their room and pulled up the guard rails. They fell asleep almost instantly.
Then it was just Ana and me back in Lima at nearly 10pm, on a school night.
"What now?" I asked as I pulled the door to the kids' room closed. Ana took my hand and led me to our bedroom, then she sat on the edge of the bed and looked up at me.
"You're in control...right?" She looked at me with all this hope and worry, but I couldn't let her see me crack.
Even if all of her pain had been killing me all day long.
"I am...yeah. Why?"
"There's something that's been really bothering me."
"What is it?"
"Why won't you sleep with me, B?"
"You've been hitting me in your sleep and crying a lot."
"Have you tried holding me or maybe rocking me?"
"No."
"Well...maybe try that. I miss you next to me, B. It's one of the only times that I feel safe."
"Oh."
"If you want me to be open to you in this relationship, then you need to give me all of you, all the time. Even if I may have nightmares...please?"
"You're right...okay."
"I'm serious, B. I need you to be there with me."
It's not that I didn't want to sleep next to her. It had just been impossible because she'd been stealing my sleep from me, but I had to try.
"I'll be here with you, I promise."
"Good. Let's shower quick and then get our cuddle on."
I should have known that she was all talk about me sleeping next to her. She kicked and punched until I couldn't take it anymore; I climbed over her and stretched her arms above her head, shoving my knee between her legs. Her face was screwed uptight as she whimpered.
Tears leaked from her eyes.
"Ana?" I called, but she just continued to squirm. I leaned in and kissed her jawline; her breathing evened out a bit as I moved to her mouth. I kissed her lips, and she kissed me back.
"Daddy." She whimpered. I pulled back and looked at her face; she was still asleep. It had been ages since she'd called me that, and she sure didn't call anyone else by that name except Marco. So which one of us was she talking about. "Please." She whimpered, moving her hips so that her wetness was against my thigh.
"What do you need?" I whispered against her ear. "Tell me, Ana."
"Britt, fuck!" She mumbled. My heart swelled up, so I kept her wrists in one hand while using the other to push into her panties. She was drenched.
I pinched her clit, and her eyes flew open. At first, they were glassy until she recognized me.
"You called me Daddy...that hasn't happened since before." I said, and she gave me a sly smile.
"Don't stop...please?" I pushed three fingers into her, and she groaned. "Yessss! Daddy, fuck!"
I glanced over at the bags we'd thrown in the corner from random stops on the way here. The overnight bag from Lake George was among them, which meant that I had my little helper.
"Can you keep yourself warmed up for me?"
"You brought it?" She looked surprised.
"Not on purpose, but yeah...I need to go rinse it off."
"Hurry up." She said, her legs spread wide for me as she moved her hand down to do as I'd asked.
I couldn't take my eyes off of her as I stumbled out of bed and ripped open the bag.
There it sat, in its little velvet bag, separated from our dirty laundry. I took it to the bathroom, trying not to wake our little monsters.
When I got back to the room, Ana was using both her hands to get herself off.
I strapped up and then just stood there watching the bliss on her face as she fucked herself.
"Look at me." I said, and her head snapped towards me. Her eyes were full of lust as she looked at my boobs and then at my little friend.
"I need you...Daddy...please?"
"You'll need to be quiet...do you remember how?"
I watched a shadow cross her face, and then she nodded.
"Yes...please?"
I moved her hands above her head again before sinking into her. She released a grunt and a silent scream. Her eyes watered as she looked up at me. I didn't dare move, not until I knew she was okay.
"Color?"
"Green."
"Eyes on me, okay?"
She nodded and then bit her lips as she looked over my face. I began to move, and she shut her eyes for a brief second before looking at me again.
Why did she hurt?
I stopped and released her hands.
She looked at me with more tears but smiled, with her lips still in her mouth.
I knew it then...that she'd lied. She hadn't wanted to acknowledge it, and I wouldn't ask, for a bit longer, I'd let her live in her lie. I pulled her up into my arms as I adjusted. Her arms were over my shoulders as she sat in my lap. I gripped her hips and rocked into her.
"I'm sorry." She whispered. "I just...didn't want you to hurt...fuck...don't stop...I'm still green."
She was trying to tell me with her eyes, and I understood. Which is why I began to cry too.
When she saw my tears, she hugged me tighter, our foreheads touching as she dropped and lifted her hips to help me fuck her.
She came shuddering a few moments later, but I was still close.
"Color?" I whispered against her lips.
"Green. Get yours, B."
So I did; I held her hips in place and pushed up into her until I came, holding her as tight as I could with kisses on her lips, neck, and shoulder.
"You're mine, Santana Lopez. Para Siempre."
"Te amo, B."
"I love you too."
Santana's POV
I ached as I slipped from her arms sometime before dawn.
She was clutching my pillow and drooling.
I peaked in on my kids. They were curled around each other, both drooling. It made me smile.
The clock read 4am, I knew I shouldn't be leaving, especially after the argument in Lake George, but I needed to.
I dressed in whatever was closest before grabbing my spare cash from the hall closet.
The front door squeaked as I opened it, I froze, waiting for someone to wake up, but no sounds came.
I closed the door behind me as I stepped into the hall.
Seeing my old apartment door across the way made me nostalgic for all the things I had gone through in there.
How much had I fucked up?
I touched it lightly before making my way down the steps, one moment closer to the fix that my body craved.
Everything seemed to work in my favor as the town slept.
I got all the way down to the car before my phone buzzed, and because I couldn't help myself, I checked it.
Don't.-Britt
Please?-Britt
Right then, it was a choice...Britt or coke, and she was losing.
But then a picture came through of my son's face.
Then the text that followed.
His birthday is in a few days. Don't you want to be here for it?-Britt
I tossed the phone to the passenger seat and turned on the car.
More buzzing came, but I ignored it. Instead, I pulled out of the parking lot and left everything behind.
My family. My friends.
Everything.
What's Britt's favorite thing?
Ask for forgiveness, not permission.
That was my plan.
I drove through West Lima and headed toward Lima Heights when the sky opened up, and it began to rain so hard that I couldn't see the road in front of me.
God had stepped in, or at least, that's what it felt like.
As I pulled over, red and blue lights lit up behind me.
"You've got to be kidding?!"
I gathered my papers and realized that I had forgotten my wallet...which meant no license.
Fuck.
The knock on my window startled me; I put it down and looked up into familiar eyes.
What was his name?
Shit...he'd been on the hockey team...fuck.
Did we get along?
"Santana Lopez. Look at you. License and Registration, please."
"I um...forgot my wallet. I just have my registration."
I tried to hand it to him, but he scribbled down stuff and then took a step back.
"You have a taillight out, and you were swerving."
"Dude. Just give me my ticket."
He took the registration from me and walked back to his car.
My phone buzzed, and I picked it up.
Where are you?-Britt
Please answer, I won't be mad. I just need to know.-Britt
Santana, please?-Britt
I called her while I waited.
"Baby, where are you?"
"I'm currently pulled over on Center Ave, I forgot my license, and the guy is a dick."
"Center Ave and what?" I heard Walker ask.
"Um...6th."
"Lima Heights." Britt muttered.
"Uh...yeah."
"I'm on my way. Hand me that." Walker said, "Charlie, don't be late to practice! Britt, there's fruit in the fridge for them."
"Thanks." Britt said, her voice was strained. "I gave Walker your wallet. Did you make it to where you were going?"
"No. Rain started, so I pulled over; it's bad out here. Then the sirens and red lights flashed."
"Good."
"Don't be mean."
"What was the plan, Santana?"
The knock came on the window.
"Hold on, B."
"You need to produce your license when you pay this ticket." Something in his attitude had changed.
"Okay...it's actually on its way here."
"That's great; you still need to present it since it's written down. Get that tail light fixed." He handed me the ticket and then walked off.
"$400, seriously?" I muttered.
As the cop car pulled off, Walker's truck pulled in front of me.
"You're lucky that it wasn't worse than that."
"How mad are you on a scale of 1-10?"
"10 times infinity."
"Shit."
"We had such a good night. How can you still go looking?"
"Because I remembered...while you loved me up, I remembered what I've been trying to deny."
The passenger door opened, and Walker slid into the car.
"Britt, I'm here with her. We'll stop at the Lima Bean and grab coffee. Do you want something?"
"Yes, I'd love a Mocha."
"Hi." Walker said to me once I hung up the phone.
"Hey. Thanks for bringing my wallet. Can I have it?"
"Where's your cash?" She ignored my question.
I pulled my stack of bills from my door storage. She held her hand out, and I gave the money to her.
"How much were you going to buy?" She counted money while still holding tight to my wallet.
"Enough." I shrugged.
"Are you okay to follow me, or should I stay in here with you?"
"I'll follow. I'm already in deep shit. No need to make it worse."
"Okay, I'll hold onto the wallet and this cash just in case you feel froggy."
I rolled my eyes to play off my frustration.
The moment she left the car, I knew she'd made the right choice because I would have definitely pulled off and left her there.
Even though I didn't want to, I called Britt back.
She answered mid-laugh. "Hey." She said, sounding happier than she was before.
"Hi, I'm following Walker to the Lima Bean; she uh...has my wallet and my cash."
She chuckled. "Smart."
"I guess so."
"My dad's here. Ran into him while I was bringing the kids back to our place."
"Oh yeah? How uh...is he?"
"He's fine. Said he was doing his weekly building check-in. He heard my voice and came upstairs."
"That's awesome. Does he want coffee?"
"Nah. He doesn't drink coffee."
"Right. I knew that."
"Should I worry?"
"Yes." I whispered. "If she had left me with the cash...you know...I wouldn't have cared if she gave me the wallet."
"Right on schedule, I guess."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You break every year around this time."
"Oh."
"You have every reason to break, baby. I'm going to help you; however, I can. I just need you to trust me. I need you to not give up...please?"
"I'll try harder. Do you think maybe I should just go to a meeting now?"
"If you could stay there all day, I would support you. Maybe today, you should hang out with Walker. Don't worry about me...I'll be fine. Tonight is Russell's funeral so, you need to keep it together."
"Right. Okay. I'll stick to Walker then."
"If you could bring back the car, though, that would be great. I don't want to be stuck in this house with the kids all day; they need some air."
"Okay, I'll get the coffee, and we can drop the car off." I felt small as I pulled in behind Walker, I owned this place, and I looked like a mess at that moment. It would be embarrassing to go inside looking and feeling like this, but Walker was back at the car, waiting impatiently for me.
I hated feeling like a criminal, but from her, this felt particularly shitty.
She didn't need my bullshit, but here I was, bringing it to her doorstep.
I took a moment to breathe, and then I stepped out into the rain and tried to remember who I had been at the beginning of our friendship.
Confident.
Open.
Sober.
Brittany's POV
When we talked about her clinging to Walker, I didn't expect her to take it nearly literally.
All day long, she was at Walker's side, and then she had Walker bring her to the funeral.
It wasn't until Quinn saw her, pulled her into a tight hug, and she had to be more than just a fucking junkie, did I see the spark of my wife appear.
I'd left the kids with my parents and had taken a seat with Quinn at her suggestion.
She made room for Santana, but my wife put her between us on the pew.
"Are you two fighting again?" She whispered.
"She went looking today." I said to Quinn just as Celia was entering the pew.
"Dude, you're in my seat." She said to Ana. "Go sit next to your wife."
Quinn pinched my arm, and I glared at her.
"What?"
"Not here, not now. Be mad at her later. Right now, I need you guys. Okay?" Q was in full HBIC mode. I hated it, but her dad had died; she got to be however she wanted.
"Okay."
I moved over and made room for Ana, who looked miserable, but then our eyes met, and she gave me a sad smile.
She didn't need to say that she was sorry; I already knew. Just like I knew that saying that shit meant absolutely nothing anymore.
But I still put on my best smile and took her hand when she sat down.
I didn't want to get her hopes up, but at the very least, Quinn wouldn't have to worry that we were going to fight in the middle of a crappy day.
She'd crossed the line with my wife two years ago, she was past that low point, and we'd reconciled. Everything she'd done since that day had been in service to the kids and me.
For once, she was the best friend to ME just as much as she was to Ana, which changed everything between us.
The service went on with a pastor who was mean and just as rude as Russell.
Judy and Frannie sat in front of us bitching the whole time about how obnoxious this guy was.
He even tried to blame this on the family's disinterest, which made Russell stray to the arms of the loose woman who killed him, at which point, Quinn stood up, pulling both Ana and Celia with her. I, of course, followed as she strolled from the church.
She'd come to pay her respects, and she was finished.
Out in the foyer, Quinn was wrapped up in Ana's arms, sobbing into her hair. They swayed for a bit, and then Ana pulled back and muttered something to her with a mischievous look in her eyes.
Celia fell in step with me and nudged me.
"Looks like we are back to the Quinntana show."
"For now." I said.
"Are you jealous? or maybe nervous about that?"
"Nope. Santana has way more to worry about than Quinn right now."
"What's that supposed to mean? Is there something I should know about my sister?"
"You've missed a lot, Ceily. Let's just say that we are closer to the Santana that locked herself in that room and walked through broken glass than anyone realizes."
First, we went to the Rage Cage so that Quinn could work through her feelings for the second night in a row...after that, we went to West Lima.
Walking into her parents' house was so eerie. Everything was covered in sheets and beginning to collect dust.
"Why are we here?" I asked my wife, who had been avoiding my eyes for most of the night.
"For the basement...duh."
I froze in place and tried to remember a time that I had gone to the basement of this mini-mansion, and I couldn't think of one.
"Have I been in the basement?"
"Not sure if you have. We stopped going down there after I broke my hand on the piano. I had to grow up, but it used to be mine and Q's hangout spot." How she went from a sad story to wiggling her eyebrows, I have no idea. All I know is that when she winked at Quinn after saying hangout spot, Celia glared.
"Did you two fuck down there because I am NOT interested."
Quinn shoved Ceily's shoulder. "Grow up, no we did not have sex down there. The only places in this house we have had sex are in the treehouse, which is outside, and her bedroom. That's it. It was a two-time thing."
"Until two years ago?" Celia asked, and Quinn turned pink.
"Dead dad. Celia. Dead, father."
And then Ceily shared a look with Ana.
"Dead father's house, Quinn...Dead, father's house." They said, sounding super creepy.
I rolled my eyes and walked past them towards the door that I knew led down into the basement.
When we got down there, the lights came on automatically; it was half full with more furniture, but then Ana wove her way through until she got to the back half. "Fuck, it's still perfect!" She shouted.
The perfect thing was the dusty old game room in the back half of the basement behind a door.
It had a pinball machine, four arcade games, and an old flat screen tv with a big back.
The couches were all fluffy looking, and there on the coffee table was a purple Jasmine photo album.
I went there first while the three of them wandered the room, plugging things in and talking excitedly.
When I opened the book, the first thing I saw was my wife's little face, grinning so hard that her dimples stood out. Her hair was curly and flowing down her back. At two years old, Dani already looked like this little girl; it made my heart melt to see picture after picture of the sweetest looking little girl.
Her first piano recital.
Bubble baths with Quinn.
Swimming in the pool.
Playing tennis.
Cheerleading.
Kissing a boy.
Her on her father's lap.
The older she got, the fewer pictures there were.
And in the ones that exist, the light in her eyes remains right until she was about 12.
The light that I have only seen on rare occasions vanished.
After that, Marco was in so many pictures, but her smile looked fake.
I saw exactly one picture of Ari with Ana's arms thrown around her. Ana looked at her like she'd hung the moon, and I got jealous, even though I didn't know her at this age. I stared at it for so long that I could see an indent on it, so I took it out and turned it over.
S-
You're the most perfect thing.
Want to marry you and bring you flowers.
No matter what, you're mine first.
Ari
The picture was lifted from my hand, and Ana flipped it over to read the note.
"She was such a dork."
"Still is." I said back.
It was the first semi-conversation that we'd had all day, and it felt stiff.
"Quinn asked me...if she should be worried. Hasn't asked me that since...well...you know."
"What did you say?" I asked as I stared ahead at Quinn, who was playing ping pong in the corner with Celia.
"I told her yes, and she told me that I should come to you. I didn't tell her what I did or what I figured out, but I couldn't lie to her."
"I know."
"If you can't do it...because you're angry...I know she will...even if she's so close to getting Celia back."
I slammed the book closed and stood up, snatching the picture from her and tossing it to the table.
"Let's go."
"What are you doing?"
"Giving you what you need." I took her hand and pulled her out of the room.
"Do you really think this is the best time, B?"
I didn't answer; instead, I continued to walk her up to her old room.
There was nothing in that room but outlines where old furniture had been.
"Where is it?" I asked her after letting go of her hand and turning to look at her.
"Where is what?"
"The drugs, Santana, I'm not stupid. Where are they?"
"You're wrong. I don't know where any is...don't you think I would have come here alone if I thought something was here?"
She had a point. I slid down against the wall until I was sitting there staring up at the woman I loved.
"I just don't know what to believe...I saw that look in your eyes last night. You left something pretty big out, don't you think."
She walked away from me and stared out the window with her back to me. I could tell that she was trying to gather herself, and I had vowed to myself that I wouldn't get in the way of that, no matter how much I wanted to.
"I didn't say it because I was in subspace, B...I checked out. I remembered when you were deep inside, I remembered how he had shoved his fat fingers into me...he said that because it wasn't his cock, it wasn't cheating. He'd already cum on me...he made me rub my clit while he fucked me with his big ass h-hand...I b-blocked it out."
"Until it hurt."
"Yes."
"Why didn't you stop me?"
"Because I wanted to replace the memory, but I woke up a little after, and all I felt was the pain which took me back to that look in his eyes...I needed to numb it with whatever I could buy."
"But God stopped you?"
"That's what it seems like, right? It's nuts...the rain stopped as soon as we left the Lima Bean." She was sitting on her window seat, staring at me with a small smile. "It felt good, B. To have you like that...for you to still want me after everything...it felt right."
"Do you need me to spank you again? Is that why I should worry?"
"No. It's not that...my ass is still sore from the last spanking; trust me...I'm good. It's more like...I can't trust myself right now. Going for drugs to numb things instead of going to therapy like I should be doing is not good. It feels like I'm undoing all the progress I made, and I don't like it. I'm fucking Grammy-nominated, Britt...did I tell you that? We didn't win, but Bey is always being cheated. The nomination, though, is something amazing. Going back to drugs seems so stupid right now. The cravings are heavy right now, but I'm aware of it, though, and now that you are, and Walker is...I feel like the accountability will ground me a bit."
I moved over to her and sat at her side; she was looking so defeated. So I pushed aside my anger. I leaned and kissed her with all the emotions that I had bottling up the whole day.
She straddled my lap after that, burying her fingers in my hair as she kissed me back with all of her heaviness.
I gripped her ass, and she hissed, so I slapped it, and she moaned.
"Fuck." She grumbled, kissing me even harder. "I need you."
"How do you want me?"
"Any way you want."
I lifted us up and flipped us so that I was on top of her; she needed a replacement.
So I pressed my fingers into her, one by one.
"Color?"
"Y-Yellow...don't stop...just slow." She hissed. So I took out a finger, and she nodded, "Green."
I made love to her right there on the window bench that overlooked the treehouse.
The same treehouse that had been the source of so many of her regrets and fears.
She turned her head towards it, and I bit down on her nipple through her shirt.
"Mine." I growled, and she shivered, turning to look up at me. Once her eyes were locked on mine, she seemed to get more confident.
"Yes, B...yours. I'm r-ready...more." She said, so I slipped my finger back inside, and her eyes rolled back as she came shuddering against me. "BRITTANY! God...don't stop. More!"
Santana's POV
Celia and Q went back to the hotel from the house since my sister was leaving in the morning, while me and B stopped to get ice cream from the Rage Cage before going to my in-laws.
When Susan saw me, she wrapped me up so tightly in her arms and didn't let me go.
"I'm so sorry that happened to you, Santana. I want to rip that motherfucker limb from limb." She whispered against my face, and by God, that is all I wanted from my own mother.
Where was the fucking outrage?
"So do I."
She took me into the kitchen, made us coffee, and asked for all the details. For the first time since I told Britt and Quinn, I told it all to Susan, and she held tight to my hands.
"You are so brave, Santana. I don't know how you've gone through all these things, and you still get up every day."
"By the grace of God and my sheer stubbornness."
"And me. I annoy her out of bed." Britt said, and I rolled my eyes. "If I let her, she could sleep until noon on a good day."
"I could not. You know that the kids wouldn't let that happen."
Susan looked back and forth between us with a smile on her face.
"I'm glad to see that this hasn't torn you two apart. It's important that you support her, Britt, and that you're honest with what you need, Santana. You two are making me so proud."
"Thanks, Mom." Britt stood behind me and rubbed my shoulders while I rested my head back against her.
"I took the rest of the week off; since I won't see Izzy for his birthday, I thought I'd spend some time hanging out with him. I can't believe he's turning 3!"
"Me either." I said, thinking of my little guy and how I was ready to throw away being his mom for a temporary fix.
"Would you mind terribly if I keep them for a few days? When are you guys headed back?"
I hadn't thought about that...how I started class again on Monday and how I still had to go to that same classroom, which would haunt me even if he wasn't there.
Susan snapped in front of my eyes, and I looked at her, but my mind was still elsewhere.
"Ana needs all the time she can get to rest and work through things before she starts class. So yes, you can take the kids until Friday...we'll head back on Saturday, that we can have a full day at home before her classes start."
"In that case, be prepared for them both to go back with clothes and new toys." I nodded, but my mind was back in that office.
Britt kissed my head and then mumbled something that I missed.
Susan got up and left us alone in the kitchen, so Britt must have asked for space.
Not that I noticed.
Britt filled the seat that Susan vacated and took my hands, kissing them over and over until I looked at her.
"Talk to me."
I tried to smile, but the tears gave me away. "I'm so scared, B. I have classes with other clients. They haven't even acknowledged me, but what if this gave them balls...you know? If they try something, I'll just become that student that seduces teachers and then gets them fired."
"That should be enough reason for them to leave you alone, baby."
"What if I don't go back, B?"
"Is that what you want?"
"Kind of, but only because I'm terrified."
"If you're scared, I mean, truly freaked out, then you should probably make a phone call."
"No."
"He'll take care of it, baby. You know it."
"Nico is trying to go clean, and after what happened with Mr. Evans...he gave us that building as a clean break. If I drag into this, I'll be indebted to him."
"Won't you always be, though? How many times has he saved your life? Even at the diner, he knew that there was danger, and he still went marching into it."
"He's supposed to be dead."
"It's not like he hasn't heard yet...there's no way that Sugar doesn't know."
"How would she know?"
"Because...I told her."
I nodded; how could I be mad. Sugar had been protecting us for months until the threats had all died down, and she could focus on F.I.T. She'd been nannying for us here and there, but even she seemed lax in her detailing.
"What did she say?"
"That she wouldn't make a move unless ordered to. Unless you reached out to them...for help."
"How long have you been sitting on this nugget of information, B?"
"I told her the morning after you told me...and I've been keeping her updated on our movements. She's been keeping track of them but has been waiting on you."
"Wow."
"I'm sorry, I just...I trust her. When she is around, things are boring not because no one wants to hurt you but because she has a gun and is scary...even if she's a tiny thing."
"You're right, B...maybe I should make the call, but it should be MY choice. Understand?"
"I know."
"I'm tired, B. Q is staying at the hotel, and even though we would have the apartment to ourselves, I kind of just want to be here with the kids tonight."
"Then we'll stay...then tomorrow we'll have a date day. Get some Stix, maybe dance in the studio, and go to the park...or maybe just go have lots of sexy time until you forget him touching you. Until all you can think about is me. How's that sound?"
"Like a plan."
I slept that night with a warm sleepy tea in my belly given by Susan and a fortified soul from all the hugs that my in-laws and my babies gave to me before I cuddled up in Britt's full-sized bed with her arms wrapped around me.
For the first night in a long time, I didn't leave the comfort of my wife's arms; instead, I rested in them like clouds.
She was my anchor, my resting place, keeping me close to the people that I loved most in the world.
Rob had set up a twin bed right between Britt's bed and the wall so that the kids would be in my sight.
Even with all the space, they still held onto each other like two pieces to a puzzle.
Britt rubbed my arm and kissed every open inch of skin until I fell into a dreamless sleep.
I woke up to a little body curled against my stomach, his sister curled up right behind him, and there wasn't a single drug in the world that could replace the bliss that filled me.
"Thank you, Father." I whispered before allowing myself to sleep a bit longer.
And when noon came around, and I was still in bed, Brittany poked my face and then dangled a plate of waffles in front of me.
"Told you that you'd sleep until noon." She sang at me.
The kids were nowhere in sight, just a grinning wife and a purring cat.
"Hey! No Tubbs, she's allergic...shoo."
LT just looked at her and curled up on the window sill, choosing to ignore his long-lost owner.
"It's fine, B. Let's eat, then you can take me to the studio and show me all of your dances."
"Really?"
"Yes...and then...I'd really like it if you came to a meeting with me."
"I'd love to...anytime you want me at a meeting, I'll be there."
"Thanks, B."
"You didn't freak out in your sleep last night." She said as she ripped up the waffle and swirled it around in syrup before cupping her hand under it and delivering it straight to my mouth.
"I know, I feel so calm."
"Dad says it was that CBD tea, but Mom says it was because you were surrounded with love and safety."
"I think they're both right."