Control (Zoe Wees)
JUNE
Brittany's POV
Ana on those pills seemed to calm her, but I hated what it did to her.
Gone was the Mami that got down on the floor with the kids and was silly.
She was on edge more now, and all of her emotions dried up.
Her birthday was in a few days, but she insisted that she didn't want to celebrate.
So, my parents went ahead to Lima and left the four of us in Lake George.
After getting the kids bathed and in bed for the night, I went in search of her.
The house was empty, and so was the front porch, but then I saw her.
She stood at the edge of the lake staring at the water.
It was twilight, but there were no vampires, just the little light left from the sun.
All our neighbors had their house lights on. That's the only way I saw her.
I wasn't sure if I should bother her while she took some time to herself. When I saw her take a step into that water...into a lake that she had been cautious of her entire time here, I knew in my gut that I needed to be by her side.
So I stepped off the porch after and went down to the shore.
By the time I got there, she was in the water knee-deep.
"Ana?"
She didn't respond.
I kicked off my sandals and stepped in after her, the rocky bottom stabbed at my feet, but I didn't care.
The water was dark, and if she swam out, I wouldn't be able to find her.
I finally reached out and slid my hand into hers.
When she looked at me, there were tears in her eyes.
"Hey." She whispered.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm tired." She said.
"Then come inside."
"No."
"No?"
"Britt, I love you to infinity, but I'm so tired."
"There's only one cure for being tired, Ana. Sleep...not death."
"Huh?"
"Well, if you died right now, with all this hurt inside of you, then you would be stuck in purgatory...reliving being tired forever."
"That sounds awful."
"I have something that should help, but only if you come inside...and away from this water."
"What is it?"
"Anything."
"Yeah?"
"Please, baby?"
She nodded and let me pull her back to shore.
I didn't stop moving until we were back inside with the door locked.
Right then, I knew we had to leave.
The diner was pretty much finished, the opening still had two months to go, so there was no reason to be there.
Ana sat on the couch, enjoying the last of her stash that I had hidden away while I packed.
Seeing her sitting there happily crunching on her chips while she flipped through a trashy magazine made me angry.
Why should this be the only way she was happy?
I got everything in the car without her even glancing my way.
Then, I carried both kids to the car, the very last thing that I went back in for was her.
And she was oblivious.
"Where are we going?" She asked once she was in the car buckling up. "It's late."
"Home." I said.
"But we have the house for another month."
"My parents will be back to close it up. You and I need to go home now."
"Are you mad at me?"
"No." I said, even though I really, really was.
"I'm an addict, B." She sighed.
"I know."
"Does it piss you off?"
"Yes."
"Me too."
"When we get to the city, we aren't going to our house or the apartment...you need to know that what is about to happen needs to happen."
"What are you talking about?"
"You'll see...just relax and maybe take a nap. It's a long drive."
Santana's POV
My high wasn't real.
Britt had given me what she thought was a lot of coke but was really just crumbs.
I was embarrassed that I felt the need to take it, but I knew that my self-preservation was in full gear when I had any drugs in my system.
That's what happens when you form an addiction while trying to hide from your troubles.
So I sat on that couch and tried to be nonchalant about her packing up our rental.
I could see that she was pissed off, so I tried not to make it worse.
But then she had this determined look in her eyes that was kind of terrifying.
Obviously, she didn't want to talk about what happened or how the water was drawing me in.
Beckoning me to its depths.
A shiver went through me, just thinking about it.
She had been right to take us home, but it was those words about what was about to happen next that had me on edge.
Quinn was at her internship in Minnesota, and Mari was away with doctors without borders in South America. I couldn't imagine where else she would take us.
But I didn't put up a fight.
The songbird that I got her was sitting on the dashboard, reminding me of that special night that she'd given me.
I had given her that to remind her about my feelings for her, but it was also my way of saying that I still loved her and trusted her.
When I looked at it, I remembered just how much I wanted to make this work.
The angst between us was making me insane.
Right then, I wished that I hadn't decided to go back to school at Columbia, I had so many other choices, but I chose Columbia.
It was all on me.
Dr. Cray didn't have access to me until I gave it to him.
I could have dropped his class, but I thought I could hack it.
How could I do this to us?
Everyone would be better off without me.
It was clear, but Britt wouldn't give up on me.
"Mami?" Daniela called from the backseat, and I turned back towards her.
"Hey, baby girl."
"Sit with you?" She asked, and I knew that was impossible.
"No, baby."
"Please?" She whimpered, and I looked to B, who was razor-focused on the road.
"She's going to have a meltdown, Britt, can we stop?"
"I'll pull over as soon as I can...maybe sing to her."
So I did, all while Britt maneuvered us to a service station.
Once we parked, I got out of the car and climbed between the booster seats.
Britt went inside while I wiped Daniela's tears away.
"Better?" I asked her, and she nodded.
I got comfortable between the seats, knowing that my daughter wasn't going to let me leave her.
And the lesson hit me right in the face.
Leaving this Earth would mean leaving my babies.
I had been so alone as a kid, and while my kids would still have B, they wouldn't have me.
Hadn't I left them without me enough?
When we cut towards midtown, I knew.
And I bit back my reaction because I needed to depend on my wife to know what was best for our family because I obviously wasn't making the right decisions.
She pulled into the driveway behind Mami's little hatchback and then turned to look at me like she was waiting for a fight.
The garage door opened, and out came Pa, with Mami right behind him.
I smiled at Britt and then unbuckled the kids, but that was about all she'd let me do.
Pa took our bags from the car, while Mami and Britt each took a kid.
I followed behind them into my house; I hadn't seen the inside of it in months.
When I stepped into the kitchen, I didn't recognize the new appliances and their sleekness.
The only thing that remained was the little breakfast nook that I loved so much.
"This looks amazing, Mami." I said to her, and she gave me a soft smile.
The kitchen wasn't the only room that had been overhauled. The whole downstairs looked different.
I felt a spark of irritation since I hadn't actually sold this house to her. On paper, it was still Isaac's, so I was annoyed that she'd done all that without saying a single word to me about it.
But I had learned a long time ago to pick my battles when it came to my parents.
I followed them up to the third floor...Quinn's old space and wasn't surprised to see that was different too.
The backroom had two beds with side rails, where they placed the kids.
Pa turned on a monitor and then gave Britt a handheld device.
"We have a baby gate for the top of the steps if they wake up before you. You'll get a notification if the door opens that should be loud enough to wake you."
I rolled my eyes but stayed quiet as we followed them to the front room.
Quinn would faint at the luxury.
It was gorgeous, but I was way too annoyed to say so.
Pa and Mami kissed us goodnight and then left us alone.
I sat on the brand new king-sized bed and stared at all the changes that had been made.
"This is amazing, don't you think, baby?"
"Yeah."
"Your property company did it...my dad has been doing a really good job making sure all your properties look good."
"Yeah."
"Maybe you should think about acknowledging him for that." I didn't mean to glare at her, but I was just confused.
"What am I missing?"
"My dad...he's done all this shit to fix up your properties, Ana, but he just lost his house. You don't think that's fucked up?"
"I offered to buy the house, AGAIN." I snapped, and she threw up her hands.
"That's not what they wanted."
"Well, they could have told me what they wanted exactly."
"For you to take the house under management."
"I'm not a fucking mind reader." I was on my feet, trying to get in her personal space to stop the tears from coming, but she held her hands out to stop me.
"Don't. Look, I don't want us to fight. We are here so that you can fix shit with your mom, and the two of you can work together to put that asshole away for good."
"And because you work two blocks away?"
"Yes...also, your meetings are right down the street. So is the church. It will be good for you."
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"Yup."
I stripped my clothes off and headed into the bathroom, which was just as fixed up as the rest of the house.
Because, of course, it was.
Brittany's POV
I watched her from the bedroom as she dipped her waterproof anklet into the water and then shook it. Despite the lake and now a tub full of water, it still worked.
Unlucky her.
"Mama?"
I was distracted from watching my wife by a little sleepy face.
"Hi, Dani."
"Dance?" She asked.
How could I resist?
I swept her into my arms and danced with her in my arms all the way back to her little bed.
"Where we?" She whispered to me when we were back in the room.
"Abuela's house."
"Beya, here?"
"Yes."
"Mami here?"
"Yes."
"Pa here?"
"Yes."
"Tug?"
"Yes, I haven't seen him, but he's around here somewhere. Tomorrow when the sun is up, we can see everyone, okay?"
"Okay!"
"Shhh."
She looked over at Izzy and then nodded before putting her head on my shoulder.
Dani hummed while I danced her back to sleep.
When I got back to the room, I heard the sniffles that at first made me freeze because I thought it was something else.
But when I got to the bathroom, she was sitting in the tub with her forehead pressed to her knees as she tried to sob quietly.
There was plenty of room in the tub behind her, so I stripped down to nothing before climbing in.
Her body shook as she cried, but otherwise, she wasn't moving.
I scooted up and pulled her against my body.
"I'm sorry." She whispered. "I'm so fucked up, and I'm probably going to continue to be a fuck up."
"I've got you, Santana. I love you to infinity; I meant that."
"I love you to infinity too, Britt. This is why I need you to not go easy on me anymore. I'm serious."
"You think this has been easy?"
"Kinda."
"I just voluntarily moved us into a house that has nothing but bad memories in it for me because I felt like it would be safer for our family...and better for you to be near your mom for a bit."
"And you hate my mom."
"I don't hate anyone...I just don't like her very much. She's not good to you."
"She's doing her best."
"Is she, though? My mom is doing her best. She worked extra hard and took out second mortgages. Now she's moving across the country to help Dad live out a dream, but your mom, what has she sacrificed?"
"She moved to Atlanta to help Papi live his dream, then he died, B. Now she's following me around...so she says."
"Look, I fired her as your lawyer for a reason, but we can't fire her as your mom. She knows something that she's not telling us. There's more to the story. Nico told me as much, but he insists it's not his place...Marco said something similar."
"Do they know what it is?"
"Probably, but they're not telling us. I know that she will if you make her."
"What will it fix? I'm already hooked again...and I just...you know...did something I never thought I would."
"The abortion pills?"
"Yes."
"Is that what's on your mind? Is that what's making you want to be numb?" She pressed her face to her knees and began to cry. I held her then because I knew this pain. The loss of something that could have been, even if it had been what was best for her. "I know, baby, it's okay. It sucks, but you did what was right for you."
"It still hurts...I'm rich...it's not that I couldn't afford it. I just...I would have been spiteful. I would have become my dad. Stuck with a kid that represents everything I hate about myself."
I held her against me while she cried.
"I know, I know. I'm here, love...I'm here."
"Don't leave me here...I know you're th-thinking about it...just...don't."
"Is that what you think?"
"Yeah."
"No, where you go, I go. We are going to make our way through this thing together."
"What if we don't work out?"
"We've done that before, and we made it work, but I don't want us to get there again."
"I know. Me either, B. I'm just trying to be realistic."
"The only thing you need to be realistic about is getting back on track."
"I don't even know what that is anymore, B."
"Easy, the stuff that isn't good for you feels good before and sucks after, but the good stuff sucks before a lot of times but feels good after."
She turned and looked at me, puzzled. "Huh?"
"Okay, let's see...remember how you used to dread getting up early for practice?"
"Yes."
"But how did you feel after?"
"Energized."
"Exactly. And when you are about to get high, you get excited, right?"
"Yes."
"And how do you feel after, when the high is gone?"
"Like shit."
"See...do you get it now?"
"Yeah, I do. You're a genius, B."
I held her all night long, cuddled in the sheets, while I prayed that all of my words and wishes for us would be true.
But that sinking feeling was still there, haunting me.
Please, God...let this be the time she gets it right.
Santana's POV
A whole week went by of me avoiding Mami.
I filled my time with chasing around the kids, going to meetings with my old group, and attending mass.
When I wasn't doing those things, I took the kids to the park for long walks.
All with Britt by my side because she just couldn't let me go out alone...not yet.
Especially not with Dr. Cray out on bail.
She convinced me that it wasn't because she didn't trust me; it was entirely because she didn't trust HIM.
While it probably wasn't entirely true, I chose to believe her because that's what my ego needed.
My 21st birthday fell on a Saturday, and Quinn was flying home for it at my insistence.
I wanted to shake my ass, and I wanted to do that as a trinity.
My mind was focused on having a good birthday weekend, but Mami had other plans.
On Friday morning, I woke up early to check in on the kids, but they weren't in their beds.
Before I could freak out, Mami walked into the room and shut the door.
"What are you doing? Where are the kids?"
"Downstairs having breakfast with their Dama. You picked a good Madrina for them."
"I know."
"We need to talk."
"No, we don't. Please don't make me." I tried to step around her, but even though she was small, she was mighty.
"21 years ago, I went into labor around this time with you."
I sighed and slumped onto Isaac's bed. His glasses sat on the nightstand, and I knew he wasn't seeing like he should.
Quinn should have realized.
Suddenly, I had an excuse.
"Isaac needs his glasses; I need to take them to him."
"He has his spare set. Brittany made sure we had a pair, just in case."
"Fine...talk."
"Why are you making this difficult, Mi'ja?"
"Because you didn't have my back, yet again. You let me alone in that fucking box! All you had to do was speak to me through the speaker...anything would have helped. I was so scared, and you left me there to suffer."
"You've got it all wrong."
"How so?"
"I wanted to see you...I just...they were going to arrest you, and I thought fighting for you was better than fighting with you."
"Fighting with me?"
"You were hostile in there, mi'ja. You needed me in ways that were beyond me, just holding you like a child."
"Right then, I was a child. I was hurting, and all I wanted was you and Britt. That's it."
"Lo siento, Nanita."
I didn't want to hear it.
She tried to explain, but I decided instead to unpack the kids; even though I didn't really want to, I knew that Britt wouldn't budge about leaving.
"Your apologies don't mean much to me anymore, Mami." I admitted.
She sat on Daniela's bed and dropped her head.
As mad as I was, I couldn't maintain it when my mother began crying.
Her shoulder shook, and her cries were the heartbreaking, gasping kind.
"There's just so much you don't know...Santana...you're all I have left."
"Mami, stop...you have my sisters and your husband. You have your grandchildren and your dog. I'm not all you have left." My hands were shaking as the cravings hit me.
I felt like I was going to hurl, but I swallowed back the feeling and watched as my mother sobbed into my daughter's stuffy.
The door opened, Britt stood there with Isaac in her arms, wheezing hard.
"Can you grab his machine from the bag?" B asked, even though I was already pulling it out and setting it up.
"Beya, crying, Ma-Mama." Isaac rasped to her.
Britt climbed on the bed with him and put the mask over his face, but he wouldn't stop looking at Mami.
Then his tantrum started.
"Mami...please stop...if he sees you crying, he's going to cry too, and it will make the treatment harder." She nodded and cleared her throat before dropping her head. I watched as she wiped her face and then plastered on a semi-believable fake smile.
Is that where I got that from?
Once Mami seemed okay, Isaac curled into Britt and closed his eyes.
"Should we go somewhere else?" Mami asked, but I shook my head.
"No. I feel more comfortable with Britt being here. She's my rock. After all, she has carried me through all the hard stuff."
"As she should, she's your wife."
"Gladys...don't." Britt said, cutting into the conversation. "If you are going to talk to her about stuff, then do it already. I've stalled her enough. You have no idea what's been going on between us or what your daughter is going through. This is hard enough already. You need to tell her."
I shot a look at B, and she shrugged, like it was no big deal, even though her face flushed.
What the hell did she know?
"Did you bring me here so Mami could ambush me easier, B?"
Isaac's eyes opened, and he looked around.
"Talk to your mom, Ana. Please?"
"Fine...talk, Mami."
"A lot has come to light in the discovery. Even though I'm no longer your lawyer, I am a witness on this case."
"Why?"
"Mr. Evans came forward and provided evidence of Aden's involvement in the creation of some of those drugs that were tested on you. Not that your father knew that would happen when he helped Trent...let me be clear about that. I'm testifying on your father's behalf so that Trent and his father don't try to push all of this on your father."
"First of all, how did they know Papi? Second, Papi was anti-drug. How could he have been involved?"
"When we were all at Columbia, it was a different time, and your father was a different person...when he found out from Marco, just who you were connected to while you were here that summer, he did everything he could to take Trent down, to his dying day." Mami looked murderous when she said that last part.
" Papi wasn't randomly killed, was he?"
"No."
"Did...Trent...was it a setup?"
Mami's tears tracked her mascara down her face as she nodded.
My jaw dropped.
"That's just...crazy...so what Papi cleans up his act and gets killed?"
Mami raised her head and looked at me with watery eyes, then nodded.
"In the end, he was working on being the person I fell in love with. Your father was a good man, Santana."
Wrong.
Things were starting to click in my head.
So much was connected.
Papi was a professor at Columbia...Dr. Cray had taught at Columbia longer than I had been alive...
This means that Papi knew him, and if Papi was involved with his dealings...then Papi was in deep shit.
"He died because of me...didn't he?" I said, looking at Mami.
She brushed her hands over her face and then began to cry into her them.
"Babe...Ana...that doesn't make any sense."
"My father...he promised to fix things just before he died; he said he was going to make things up to me. He had to have confronted Dr. Cray. Think about it, B. Why else would that asshole kill my father...what did he have to gain unless my father threatened to expose him?"
"Enough! Aden didn't deserve to die, and I will be there to uphold his name! Entiendes?" Mami snapped, and Isaac shifted, but his eyes didn't open.
"Papi wasn't a good man." I said to her, and she growled deep in her throat.
"After everything, he did for you, for us?"
"He beat me, broke my bones, and pushed me off on the man who got me hooked on drugs rather than see me with Brittany. So he got it together in the last months of his life, great, but you know what, that doesn't change everything that I've suffered...everything I've lost!"
"What have you lost? You're rich. You have your wife and kids, a business. I am the one who lost my husband!"
We were standing toe to toe, glaring at each other, and Britt was quick to tuck Isaac in after turning off his machine.
"That's enough. Izzy's sleeping, and you two need to take a time out."
I knew better than to argue with Britt after everything, even if I felt like I could explode...right then, I was putting my child first.
Brittany's POV
I nudged my wife back to the room and shut the door, then I waited.
She paced back and forth, muttering to herself about her father, about Dr. Cray, and about lies.
And I waited for it to hit her.
A few minutes into her rant, she stopped cold and looked over at me, then her arm covered her face, and she began to sob.
I wrapped my arms around her and let her break against me.
"He killed...he killed Papi."
"I know."
Then her sadness flipped anger. She shoved off of me and then dug her finger into my chest.
"How long did you know?"
"That doesn't matter."
"It does!"
"A month, I think."
"And you're just...why now?"
"It wasn't my place to tell you. Gladys was supposed to tell you, but then she fucked it up. It wasn't my place to tell you."
"You're my wife, B."
"I know that, but she's your mother."
"Barely!"
She was shaking as she got more enraged.
My phone chimed, and I knew we had to move.
"Get dressed. We need to go right now."
"It's barely morning, B."
"You need a meeting; get dressed."
"I don't!"
"Be mad all you want but don't lie to me." I was in her face now, caressing it, and she melted like wax beneath my fingers. "I know you best, Santana Lopez. You can either stay here and be ambushed by her guilt all day long because this is probably just the beginning of her secrets...or you can leave now and go to a meeting. If you're good, we can sneak over to the apartment and play for a bit."
When in doubt, I could always rely on her inner horndog.
"Fine."
I kissed her then, even though she was angry because pissed off Santana has always been one of my favorites because she can't deny me.
My cuteness always won out.
Ana held tight to my hand as we made our way into the church basement.
We'd been at the house for a week and hadn't missed a meeting yet.
She kept begging me to let her go at it alone, but I just didn't trust that she'd be okay on her own.
Everyone always talked about protecting her and having her back, but not a single person was there day in and day out, making sure she didn't get abducted.
Sugar had said she would, and so had Nico, but neither had been there that day.
Normally, Santana takes a seat in the back row, but she tugged me to the front.
As the meeting started, she held tight to my hand and brought it to her lips every few minutes.
Then when it was time, she cleared her throat and went straight into talking, which she hadn't done yet since we started coming.
"I'm having a hard time lately. I've slipped up a bit since leaving rehab. Tomorrow is my 21st birthday, and even though I'm not an alcoholic, I don't plan on drinking. I feel like every time I stop one drug, another thing pops up for me to get hooked on. My father was an alcoholic, and I'm terrified to become like him. All I want is to make it a year without using. I haven't been able to manage it yet, but I'm going to keep on trying. Last week, I was ready to end it all because it didn't feel like the world really needed me anymore. Suicide has never been an option for me, but when I felt so low that it seemed like a cure, I didn't think about my religion or family. All I could think about was making the pain stop for good."
She looked at me and smiled through her tears.
"I love you." I whispered, and she nodded before looking back at the group.
"Right now, I'm grateful that God saw fit to send me a little light in my darkness. I'm taking this thing one day at a time; I can't give up. I'd miss me too much...I can't let my demons win. That's it."
Everyone gave encouragement, and then we prayed.
Ana leaned against me and took a deep breath through her tears.
I was so proud of her; she deserved all the love and sweetness in the world.
We left the church, and Ana pulled me in the opposite direction of the house.
"Can we just walk for a while...maybe down by the water?" She asked, and I nodded as I enjoyed the feel of her palm pressed against mine.
Even after all these years, just feeling her touch me out in public, openly acknowledging that we were more than friends, meant the world to me.
It sent shockwaves through my lady parts and made me want to have her.
"I have a better idea." I said to her as I lifted my other hand into the air.
A yellow cab pulled up, and I yanked the door open.
"Where are we going?"
"You were on your best behavior; I promised you a reward."
Santana's POV
"Oh God, oh God! Ana!"
Britt was spread-eagled on our bed while I worked more fingers inside her.
Her eyes were practically dancing with delight while I fucked her.
I wanted to kiss her badly, but I was enjoying her squirming beneath me.
"I like this reward, B. Don't you?"
"Yes! Harder!" She demanded, but it only made me go slower, making her look at me like I was nuts.
But she liked to hide behind fucking, and I wanted this to be more about love.
I needed it to be more about love...just this once.
"No."
"Please, baby?" She whined.
"No."
"I'm so close...oh God!"
I kept edging her closer and then slowing down, making her looking increasingly spaced out.
"Who do you love, Britt Britt?"
"You!"
"Say it."
"I Lo-Love YOU!"
"Good...are you ready?"
"Yessss." I finally gave in more because my wrist hurt than I was ready for things to end. I pulled my fingers from her and then laid between her legs, blowing out a long breath that made her tremble. Then I made a feast of her, holding tight to her thighs while I listened to her sing for me.
I went until she patted me on the head after her second or third orgasm.
She gave a shout and fell back to the bed looking spent, then pulled at me until I wiggled into her arms.
Britt rained kisses on my face.
"I love you, Britt."
"Love you, so perfect."
Even though I wanted her to do me, I felt myself drifting in her arms, and instead of fighting it, I gave in.
Falling asleep in Britt's arms felt better than anything I could imagine at that moment.
Dear Henry,
It's nearly my birthday! Happy 21 to me, I guess.
Britt let me fall asleep in her arms earlier and held me the whole time. When I woke up, I felt so refreshed. I felt more relaxed than after rehab or after a good sex marathon.
Right then, I felt closer to my wife more than ever.
I woke up to a candlelit dinner on the patio, with the hot tub bubbling in wait.
Right this moment, Britt is getting ready to serve our dessert while I go to the bathroom.
But Henry, I'm sitting here wondering how I can deserve such sweetness after everything I've put her through.
How can she still love me, Henry?
She's turned up the music and is singing my name, so I guess I should get moving.
I'm going to embrace this moment because tomorrow isn't promised. You have to live in the moment because the moment is all that you have.
Wish me luck,
-Santana
Brittany's POV
I put whipped cream on cookies and made us hot chocolate with just a touch of Irish Crème, the tamest of drinks in Mom's opinion. I put the cookies onto the mugs like a funky hat and shoved sparklers through them...a genius idea, if I do say so myself, thanks.
The sparklers could set the hot chocolate on fire, but the whipped cream would put them out before they even got past it to the cookies. Even if it was tame alcohol, it was still flammable.
I wasn't sure if she wanted to drink, but I wanted to make sure that I was with her and it was in a controlled situation if she did.
When she came back from the bathroom, her eyes were all excited when she saw that I had put on sparklers.
"Holy fuck, that looks amazing, B."
"I'm glad you think so. Here, take yours. Let's toast on the patio."
She followed me excitedly while staring down at my super-amazing creation.
I looked at my watch and then back at her.
"Happy Birthday day, to youuuu, Happy birthday to my boo, Happy birthday my dear sweet baby love, Happiest birthday tooooo youuuuu!" I sang, and she giggled.
"Thanks, Britt Brit"
"Are you ready for your first present?"
"Wait, there's more?"
"Duh, but first, let's enjoy this dessert."
Ana twirled her sparkler in the air while she ate her cookie.
Then I watched her dip the cookie in her hot chocolate.
As she put it to her lips, she must have smelled the liquor.
"Britt, what's in this?"
"Irish Crème."
"Are you sure it's okay that I have this?"
"You don't have to; I just thought, you're finally legal, and this isn't strong."
"It's not...just this one, okay?"
"Yup, just one is fine. Salud!"
"Salud!"
Ana didn't even finish her hot chocolate. Instead, she knelt between my legs and pushed open my robe.
Before she could go down on me, though, I cupped her chin.
"Is that really what you want right now?" I meant it to sound sexy, but I could tell that I failed because she looked self-conscious.
"Uh...do you not?"
"Ana, I haven't had you in days. It's your birthday; I was hoping you'd let me fuck you the way you like."
"You mean with my legs wrapped around your waist and your newest cock ramming me?"
"Exactly."
"Is that my gift? Did you get a new one?"
I grinned.
"Yup."
"Did you clean it?"
"Duh...but if you're not ready...we don't have to."
"Once my family and Q get a hold of me later today, we won't have a moment to ourselves. Take me to bed, B."
I helped her to her feet and then kissed her.
"Actually, I thought we could do it in the hot tub."
Her face scrunched up, but then she shrugged.
"Might as well. We haven't yet."
"Go put on your sexiest bikini while I get ready."
I watched her rush back inside, and it made me excited to see her get amped for me.
The best thing about having a private patio was that we could do some freaky things out in the open.
By the time she got back to the hot tub, I was sitting there in my bikini top, with nothing else but my newest strap-on that she couldn't see under the bubbles.
"How big is it?" She asked, looking nervous all of a sudden, which made me second guess myself.
"If it's too much, we don't have to."
"I can handle big, B. Trust me...I just...want to know how big."
"Bigger than any other."
Her eyes didn't get wide; instead, she looked drunk as she slid into the hot tub and then straddled my lap.
"Fuck, B...that's...a lot."
"I know...if you don't want it-" I began, but she just pressed her lips against mine and brought my hands to her hips.
Which translated into, say less.
So I did.
Santana's POV
Holy fuck.
Britt outdid herself; she took me in the hot tub...on the couch...against the kitchen island, then finally the shower and bed before finally giving in.
I passed out with her panting against me and woke up to her pressed against my back.
When I went to move, my legs felt tingly.
It was that good, good.
The sun was beaming on the bed, but Britt was snoring with her arm thrown over her eyes.
My phone was buzzing off the nightstand, but I caught it before it could fall.
"Hello?"
"Happy birthday, BITCH!"
I pulled the phone away from my face and looked bleary-eyed at the screen.
"Thanks, Q...I wasn't aware we talked to each other like that."
"I was trying something...it didn't feel right."
"Yeah...it didn't sound right either."
"Come to your door; I've got a surprise for you."
"Am I going to like it?"
"You better!"
I leaned over and kissed Britt's face; her eyes popped open, and then she kissed me back.
"We're on the way."
Britt walked like a cowboy, which is exactly what she deserves after fucking me with that big ass strap-on.
I looked over at it and tossed it in her nightstand before pulling her towards the front door.
"Wait." B said, yanking at my robe before I could get to the door. I turned to her, and she cupped my face, "Happy Birthday, baby." I smiled at the kisses that she dropped on my face.
When she was satisfied, I pulled the door open and was immediately inundated with little screams.
"Mami! Mami!"
I knelt down and opened my arms for my little monsters.
While I hugged them, Britt took a big box from Quinn's hands.
"Thanks for picking this up." B said to her, and Q nodded.
"Glad to help." Q put a hand on the kid's heads. "What did we practice, babies?"
The kids looked at me and then began to sing their own version of Happy Birthday, they skipped words and mashed others together, but it was the most perfect song.
"Thank you, babies!"
Britt made us breakfast and then let me open up a brand new synthesizer for the recording booth I was working on for the loft.
"Do you like it?" She looked bashful and I grinned.
"It's perfect."
After a morning with Britt, Q, and the kids, we packed up. We headed up to the house, where I pretended to be surprised by the cookout/pool party behind my house in Scarsdale.
I couldn't stop smiling all day long.
The darkness still hovered around me, but I did my best to ignore it.
Regardless of my bad decisions, my family and friends were there celebrating me.
When I saw my cake, a sheet cake that looked like a piano, I felt so unworthy but I still smiled.
Mami stood just off to the side, with tears in her eyes and a smile on her face and in a moment of selflessness, I beckoned her over.
"Happy anniversary, Mami." I said to her and pulled her into a tight hug.
I was sitting, so it was her that needed to bend to me for once.
Her smell comforted me but not as much as it used to.
She'd lied to me about way too much, and we'd left things in a hard place.
There was probably way more to talk about, but we weren't doing it on my birthday.
Right then, all I wanted was to celebrate making it through another year of life.
When she offered to watch the kids that night while I went clubbing with my sisters, Q and Britt, I didn't put up a fight.
I kissed my babies and saw them off before heading inside to put on my cutest outfit.
Britt lingered in the doorway while I got ready in a pair of sweats and smiled at me.
"Why aren't you getting ready, B?"
"I'm not feeling it tonight, you should go with the girls, and I'll be here waiting."
"But I really want to dance with you."
"Why?"
"There's no one I'd rather dance with..." I put down my eyebrow pencil and went over to her. There were tears in her eyes that she was trying to fight off. "Is it because of the last time you were at this club?"
She shrugged but then nodded. "Yeah."
"We can go somewhere else."
"No...it's fine. It's a great club, but I don't think I need to get in trouble again."
"You won't."
"How do you know that?"
"Because I'll be there, and I plan to stay sober. I'm just going to dance...you can do the same thing, and when it gets too much, which we both know will happen...we can leave."
"You'll stay close?"
"Duh, B."
We were doing well...so fucking well.
But then Britt took a drink that Celia handed her, and our plan went to shit.
At first, she tried to play it off, but when she grinded against me on the dance floor, her breath danced over my face, and I smelled the vodka.
"You drank." I said to her, and she just ran her fingers over my waist and squeezed the bruises that were there from the night before.
I hissed, and she took that as enjoyment.
"Just one drink."
"Should we go?" I turned in her arms and looked up at her. It had not been just one drink. Her eyes were too glassy for just one.
"No. I want to dance!" She yelled way too close to my face.
The music switched to Whitney Houston, and I couldn't resist Britt twirling me.
I shoved away my concerns, but I shouldn't have.
We were supposed to be a team but aside from Sandra drinking water at the bar, Celia and Q were both drunk.
"I need air." I said to B, and she just nodded.
"I'm going to find Q."
I grabbed her shirt before she could spin away, and she looked at me with a goofy smile on her face.
"You need air too."
She nodded and let me drag her out of the club, past the bouncer, and out to the car.
Once we were there, she leaned against it and watched me pace.
"What's wrong, baby?"
"I'm doing my best, B."
"You're doing great!"
"How can you be so comfortable losing control like this, B?"
"You won't let me...get...um...hurt." She was spacy and grinning like a lunatic.
"Of course not. I'm sober."
"Wanna get in the car, and you know?"
"No thanks."
"Don't be such a buzzzzzzzzzzkill." She said, sounding like an actual bee.
If I wasn't so annoyed, I would have thought it was cute.
I heard laughter coming from behind me, and I knew Q's laugh anywhere.
Sandra was holding up Celia and Q, looking just annoyed at me.
"Ready to go?" Sandra asked, and I nodded.
"Let's roll."
Sandra dropped us off at my house, and Celia dragged Quinn into the guest room, leaving me alone with my wife.
"Let's head to bed, B."
"I'm not tired."
"But you need to rest. Mami is expecting us at the house for lunch tomorrow."
"But I'm not t-tired." She yawned, and I nodded as I pulled her into our bedroom.
She faceplanted on the bed, and I spent the next ten minutes taking off her sweaty clothes.
I looked down at her naked body as she tried to focus her eyes.
"Are you feeling dizzy?" I asked, and she shook her head but then closed her eyes, pressing her palms against them.
"Let's go take a shower, come on."
"Not dirty." She whimpered.
"Yeah, you are, come on. We both stink."
Getting Britt back up and into that shower should have won me a Nobel prize.
She decided to let me shoulder most of her weight, which I was not prepared for.
My back ached along the scar lines, but I managed to get her leaning against the back wall.
The shower seemed to sober her up more than anything else, but she still looked like a zombie.
"You're pretty, baby."
"Thanks, B. You're not bad yourself."
"I know...even though I'm getting fat."
"You'll burn it off."
"Can we get a cat?"
"You know I'm allergic, B."
"A dog?"
"I don't know...we aren't ever in one place for long."
"We could be...a dog would be nice."
"Maybe. Tell you what, if you remember this in the morning, I'll consider it."
She nodded and then closed her eyes while she rested against the wall.
I washed her up and then shoved her under the spray.
Getting her dressed and in bed was thankfully a bit easier.
But once she under the sheets, she was dead to the world.
Her snores were like a jackhammer.
I left her there and shut myself in the bathroom.
My pill counter sat in my purse, taunting me.
I hadn't needed to take the synthetic as much as I did initially, but right then, I was feeling that need.
But I didn't want to lose control of the sliver of sobriety I was trying to maintain.
"Fuck it."
I took two pills from the counter and crushed them with my lipstick tube before making two fat lines. I looked to the door and then snorted them.
The popping in my head and the tightness in my chest took me by surprise.
I bent over the sink and waited for the headrush to subside.
When I looked up, there was no one to face but my own reflection.
And then the tears came.
"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck." I muttered; I was a mess.
And I hated myself for it.
The shakes and darkness I'd been fighting the whole day went away, though.
After my breakdown, I washed my face and took a piss before curling up in bed with my wife.
I soaked my pillow with tears while Britt lay snoring at my side.
God help me.