I Don't Trust Myself [With Loving You] (John Mayer)
JULY
Brittany's POV
"How was the rest of your weekend?" I asked Ari while I sipped my ice coffee and went over the week's schedule.
She had a leg up on my desk and stretched with her knit cap tossed to the side.
I had noticed that she would only allow a few people to see her so vulnerable, and I felt lucky that I was one of them.
Thursday night, when she had come over and invited Marco, was one of the hardest of my life.
But talking things through with them had made me feel like I could be more than just Santana Lopez's wife.
And because I felt better, Ana had spent the whole weekend responding to my good mood with soft touches and sobriety.
It was a welcome change.
"It was good; I spent Saturday in Central Park with a few friends and Gloria, of course."
"That sounds fun."
"What about you?" She asked, in between stretches.
"Ana-" I began, but she shook her head.
"No. Try to get through that sentence without mentioning her."
"Okay, um...I," She nodded, "Had a great weekend. I took the kids out on the patio with their new roller skates. We did a circle outside and in; it was awesome. Oh, and I worked out the choreography for the opening number. A few of the marks just weren't being met. So I am thinking about switching it up."
"I think I know the move." She did a full spin, step ball-change, step ball-change, then an arabesque. "Is it that one?"
"Yep, last week you stumbled through that...do you think it was because you needed rest?"
"I think so. I danced all weekend when I wasn't resting. It helped but, what I really want is to start jogging again. I wanted to ask your wife, but I know she can't leave the building."
"There's an indoor track in the gym, down in the basement. You should definitely take her jogging with you...and since you brought her up. Does that mean I can talk about her now?"
"Go for it."
"I think she's really trying. After you guys left, I found her in bed, cuddled up with my songbird watching Scandal. She was sober, and she told me everything that happened with Nico."
"She did?"
"Yes. Then we took a bath, like in old times. For two whole weeks, she was a zombie, but she was suddenly a better version of herself. All weekend, she took her meds and even ate her meals with us. I don't want to get my hopes up, but you should have seen her roller skating inside, with the music turned up. It felt like we were a family again."
Ari looked at me with that pitiful look that people have always given me when they think I'm dumb.
But I had to have hope; that's the only reason that Santana and I have even lasted for so long. My hope drives us.
"That sounds nice."
"She did admit what happened, and while I hate it...at least it was just a blow job. It's not like she enjoyed it; she was just trying to score. Somehow that doesn't feel as bad. She can't make meetings right now, so she talked to her therapist and Walker; she's trying to make it stick this time. You don't think she's okay, do you? " I asked, knowing my gut feeling of fear that I'd get home from work and she'd be overdosing on the floor or be a zombie in bed was valid.
"Honestly, Britt, I want to believe that she's going to really get sober this time, and I am a woman of faith. So I am going to hope that she's better."
"That's something, I guess." Frankie's cowbell alarm sounded, summoning all of us to the stage for our morning meeting. Before we left my office, Ari stepped in front of me and poked my gunshot scar. I slapped her hand away, annoyed. "What?"
"Everyone needs someone to believe in them, to remind them of their humanity. It's okay for you to believe in her; that's not what Marco meant when he said you needed to put yourself and the kids first. We simply want you to not get lost in her addiction with her. The kids need you, and Santana needs you to be whole. So have your faith and your hope but don't forget to also allow yourself time and space to breathe."
Rehearsal was brutal; Frankie had made me and Tony sit out in the audience, taking notes on all of the dancers for hours.
My phone chimed that it was pick-up time an hour before Frankie dismissed everyone, which meant that one of the daycare teachers would take the kids to the apartment.
Ana had been alone all day, doing God knows what, which made me feel sick to my stomach.
The first moment I could, I called her.
"Hey, B. What's up?" She sounded perky.
"I just got out of work. How are things?"
"Just fine...hold on, Isaac put her down. Thank you!" And then she was talking to me again, "Hey. Sorry, Isaac was not listening to my instructions."
"Well, he's three." I said, not feeling any better.
"Are you coming straight home?" She asked, sounding like she was trying not to laugh.
"What are you up to?"
"Oh, nothing."
"Santana?" I said, and she sighed, probably insulted that I said her whole name, but whatever, she had the kids on her own for the first time that I could remember.
"You didn't answer my question. Are you coming straight home?"
"Yeah, I'm about to head to the train now."
"Good, I'll see you soon. I love you!"
"I love you too."
I ran from the moment I got to the subway, I nearly jumped the turnstile, but the rent-a-cop gave me a serious side-eye. I didn't want to risk it, so I paid my fare and then ran all the way to the train. I got on to the platform with seconds to catch the train.
When I was inside, I stood by the doors and waited for them to open again.
Just five stops.
Four stops.
Three stops.
Two stops.
Then the train stopped because of a fight at the next station.
Which was three blocks away.
I dashed off the train and didn't stop running until I got to my building.
Maybe I was crazy, but I didn't know how to take her cheerfulness because when she's high, she's happy.
What if, was all I kept thinking.
Over and over again.
What if she wasn't paying attention?
What if they got hurt and she couldn't take them to a doctor?
I waved to the building manager on my way to the elevators, she tried to wave me down, but I couldn't stop moving.
Then I had to wait out the elevator because my heart was still pounding in my ears from running for three blocks...there was no way I could make it up ten flights without Santana thinking that I didn't trust her.
She needed to think I trusted her with the kids because she hadn't really given me a reason to not trust her.
Not yet.
I wiped the sweat off my forehead and then unlocked the door.
A wild-haired Dani ran past while holding something in her hands, and Izzy was chasing her.
But then a loud whistle stopped them in their tracks.
"Ah-ha!" Santana said, jumping out from behind the loft stairs.
The kids excitedly jumped up and down.
"What's going on?" I asked, and the three of them looked at me, and then I saw what Dani was holding.
A kitten.
Ana scooped up Dani and brought her over to me. Then Dani held out the kitten.
"Prize!" She said as she held out the black cat towards me.
I took the little kitten in my hands and looked at my wife.
"How?"
"Ceily got Q a cat from the shelter; she said that she was found with just one kitten. She got them both and asked if you wanted a kitten."
"Well yeah, but you're allergic."
"I'll be fine. There's medicine for that. I think she'll be great company for me, and the kids will have something to take care of."
"Are you sure?" I asked as I snuggled the little kitty against my chin.
"Yes. I even named her for you."
"What?"
"Snix."
I held up the little kitty, and sure enough, she had a certain look in her eyes that reminded me of my wife when she glared.
"That's perfect."
"Good. Now that you're home, I was hoping you'd let me shower. I've been running around with the monsters for two hours."
"Sure."
She leaned up and kissed my face, then bopped Snix on the nose. "Thanks. The kids ate, I was playing hide and seek with them to burn off dessert. Dinner is on the stove; I was waiting to eat with you." She kissed me again and then strutted off to the bedroom.
It had been like walking into the best hurricane, and I thought of what Ari said about having faith in my wife.
And right then, I had more faith than ever.
I just knew enough to not get my hopes all the way up.
There was a lot of heavy stuff coming with the trial, but hopefully, she could stay in good spirits.
And I'd help her any way that I could.
Dani was obsessed with Snix, she kept holding her just a little too tight and putting her a little too close to her face, but the kitten just let it happen.
"Is it me of does Izzy seem less excited about Snix?" I asked Ana when we sat down for dinner while the kids watched a movie. Dani was sitting against the couch with Snix in her lap while Izzy sat off to the side, holding his Elmo and giving little side-eyes to his sister.
"At first, he thought she was a stuffed animal, but then she wiggled, and he wanted no parts."
"Like you and Lord Tubbington."
"Hey, Tubbs and I had an understanding, the bed was his when I wasn't there, but he had to get out when it was time for me to get my mack on."
"But he liked to watch up close." I pouted, and she glared.
"Still not okay with that."
"It calmed him to hear you moan; it was like you were singing just for us."
She pointed her fork at me and raised an eyebrow.
"First of all, gross; second, you should have been paying more attention to me and less to what your fat cat liked."
"You didn't seem to mind." I reached across the table and took her hand, leaning over to kiss it before sitting back down. "And you still don't. I get things done with or without an audience." I winked, and she shivered, then looked back to the kids.
"It's been a while, B." Her voice was practically a purr.
"Yeah, I know."
"We should after the kids are in bed...I've been wearing out my vibrator so much that I might have carpal tunnel."
"Wanky."
I wanted her, but there was still an ache...she'd given Nico a blow job just a few days before, and now she wanted me to want her.
There wasn't enough faith and hope in the world to forget what she'd done.
"So, are you down?"
"Actually, I'm not sure...you might want to put in new batteries and use your right hand. I know you're trying, but I'm still hurt." I admitted, and she nodded, then focused on her plate.
Gone was her flirty expression.
I expected her to be mad but instead, she nodded and scooted her chair closer to mine.
"You're right, I'm sorry, B...can we cuddle at least?"
She needed hope, so I nodded.
"We can cuddle, and maybe, I'll let you make it up to me."
"Oh yeah?" She was back to giving me a smoldering look.
"Yeah."
AUGUST
Santana's POV
"Don't stop playing." Britt whispered harshly in my ear while I played my piano as she fucked me.
For two weeks, I had been the perfect housewife.
She came home every day to a clean house, happy kids, and to a sober wife.
All it took was me being smarter about my habit without using coke; instead, I had convinced Amy to up my dosage of the synthetic opioid just like Nico had suggested.
The high wasn't as good, but it kept me from going into withdrawal, which was enough to make me feel normal again.
I was doing my best to manage being stuck in the apartment without going outside, right down to figuring out when the sun comes in the best so I can tan from the living room with the patio doors open.
Once Britt noticed that I was serious about staying away from coke and Nico, she began to touch me again.
And once she touched me, she couldn't stop herself.
As soon as the kids were asleep, she'd bend me over and fuck me on every surface while whispering dirty things in my ears.
I craved her just as much as I did cocaine, so I openly welcomed her touch.
"Mmmm...fuck." I groaned when she added a finger just as I was coming to a crescendo.
I was sweating and hitting the wrong keys, on my way to a perfect orgasm, when there was a knock on the door downstairs.
And Britt pulled back, pulling me with her.
"We'll finish this later; I need to answer that. Come on."
"B...I can't walk." I groaned.
"Use the elevator." I felt fear creep into me, knowing what I had done the last time I was in there, but I didn't let it show.
I just nodded and waddled to the elevator while Britt rushed down the stairs.
Being in the elevator for the first time since Sugar died made me really wish that I had something strong to block out the emotions.
I hadn't even closed the door; instead, I turned back around and decided to use the stairs instead.
There was laughter from the living room, and then I heard Britt shush them.
Our kids were asleep, and it was late.
And I was craving.
Hard.
Britt was in the kitchen, pulling water bottles out of the fridge when I made it downstairs.
She looked over at me, then nodded her head towards the bedroom.
"Thanks." I mouthed and then walked straight to our room.
Could she see me shaking?
Once I was behind a closed door, I slid down to my butt and took deep breaths.
Snix bumped my leg, and I pulled her into my lap.
"Hey, pretty girl. Mami is sad that she can't get her shit together...but I'm not going to stop fighting." I whispered to her, and she headbutted me.
Thank God for allergy meds because right then, I needed her comfort.
The door swung open, and I stopped it with my foot.
Britt peaked around it and looked at me with fear in her eyes.
"What's wrong?" She asked.
"Just craving...and you left me hanging."
"Oh. Well, I'll frost the doors really quick, and I'll finish you off...your mom and sister are out on the patio."
"Why?"
"They say it's important, but I didn't want them to wake the kids. So when we're done, you are going to go down to Celia's, okay?"
"Oh. What about the kids?"
"I'll stay up here, it's getting late, and I need to be up early."
"But, what-" I started to say, but she knelt down in front of me, took my face in her hands, and kissed me. Snix meowed between us and ran into the closet. Britt pulled away and stood up, holding her hand out to me.
When she pulled me up, she hit the button that turned the patio doors opaque before shoving her hand right back inside me.
"I love you, baby." She whispered as she pinned me to the wall. "Every day, it gets better. You get better."
"Yesss." I hissed when she gripped my ass with her free hand.
"Are you close?"
"Yessss."
She grinned and then doubled her efforts until I released a nearly silent scream against her shoulder.
My body trembled as I gripped her shirt, feeling boneless.
"Go get cleaned up; I'll stall them." I went to walk into the closet, but she caught the back of my shirt, pulling me back against her. She nibbled on my neck and shoulder before whispering against my ear. "This weekend, we're sending the kids away, and I'm going to fuck you all over the apartment."
"Fuck." I shivered, just thinking of her using every part of my body until all I craved was her.
It's what I wanted more than anything.
And I would do my fucking best to make sure it happened.
Brittany's POV
I sent my wife away with her sister and her mother for one hour.
And in that time, I did what I did every time my wife was out of our apartment; I searched.
I looked in her piano, the elevator, and in our bathroom...because I just needed to be sure that she wasn't playing me.
Snix was my shadow as I checked through her nightstand, then her pillowcase, and even the kids' room.
When all I found was her prescribed medicine and an empty coke baggie in the elevator that had a layer of dust on it, I felt satisfied.
She hadn't been out of the apartment while I was home for three weeks, even though I knew that she left during the day when she was alone.
Nico had put cameras all over the building, in the stairwells and elevators, by giving me the building my wife had essentially handed me the best way to spy on her.
But I tried to trust her.
I felt relieved after my search and decided to take a shower.
When I was finished, I took my time brushing my teeth and getting dressed because I was hoping she'd show up.
But one hour turned into two...then it was midnight, and still the other half of my bed was cold.
And it was only then that I decided to pull up the camera feeds on my phone.
She'd left Celia's apartment with Sandra and her mom, looking like someone had just wrecked her world.
I watched as she waited for them to get on the down elevator before heading to the stairwell nearly two hours ago.
When I flipped to the stairwell feed, I watched her going down instead of up.
My heart began to race as I watched her pull out her phone and have a quick conversation.
Then she waited at the parking garage door for ten minutes before pushing it open.
When I saw Nico step through, I felt inky black rage fill my bones.
He was adjusting his pants, and she stepped back into a blind spot of the camera after Nico said something to her.
They stood in the blind spot for twenty minutes before he left.
I stared at the camera feed, feeling sick to my stomach as I waited for her to step back into focus, but she didn't.
Even when I fast-forwarded, there was no sign of her.
So, I gave in and called her, expecting to get no response, but she picked up right away.
"Britt?" She said between sobs. "I...I need you."
"What's wrong?"
"I...I need you, B. Please don't be mad...please? I'm sorry. I...I...it was too much, B. Please?"
"Stay where you are; I'll come get you."
"Okay."
I ran down to the 7th floor and banged on the door.
Celia answered, covered in paint, looking wide awake.
"What?" Her happiness faded when she saw me.
"Please sit with my kids; it's an emergency."
"My sister?" She said, grabbing her keys and shuffling into slippers before following me to the stairwell.
"Yes."
She went up, and I skipped steps on my way down.
I didn't stop until I was at the blind spot.
Ana was curled up in a ball, clutching her phone to her ear and trembling.
"Ana, baby?"
I scooped her up and pressed a kiss to her face. I wasn't even surprised that she smelled way too much like Nico.
Again.
But when her eyes met mine, they were clear, with no blown pupils or bloodshot expressions.
"You're sober." I said to her, and she nodded. "Why was he here?" I asked her.
She rested her head on my shoulder. "Saving for later." She whispered and then snuggled against me and closed her eyes.
I carried her towards the elevators and cradled her in my arms until we were home.
Celia was standing by my open door texting on her phone; her jaw dropped when she saw her sister shaking in my arms.
"I fucking told Sandra and Gladys it was a bad idea without Brittany there." She spoke to Ana, who tried to curl even more into my arms.
"Thanks for coming up here, Ceily."
"No problem, your cat has been hissing at me since I got here, so I've stayed right by the door."
"Put me down." Ana mumbled once we were over the threshold.
"Are you sure?"
"Putmedownplease." All her words were smushed together as she clutched me but also wanted down.
So I put her down and kept a hold on her until she was steady.
Then she walked slowly towards the bedroom without another word.
"Did you need me to stay a little longer?" Ceily asked, and I shook my head.
"I've got her." She gave me a hug and then clapped me on the shoulder.
"I'm proud of you, Sis." She said, and I nearly bear-hugged her.
How far we had come from her slamming me to the ground three years ago.
When I opened the bathroom door, my wife was hysterically crying as she scrubbed her body raw.
At that moment, I could see how much it tore her apart to trade sexual acts for drugs, especially with someone who used to protect her.
Seeing it as cheating just wasn't fair...it was a compulsion like my anger, and if she could forgive me for putting her in a coma, then I could forgive her this.
I pulled off my t-shirt and stepped into the shower; I pried the loofa from her hands and put fresh body wash on it before running it over her body softly.
"Harder." She begged, "Please, get him off...please?" It broke me to see her like this, so close to the broken-down version of my wife I had seen in the police station.
"Shh, just let me do this. You'll be clean, I promise." She looked at me with sad eyes.
"Promise me."
"I promise."
She continued to choke back sobs as I washed her body twice before slipping under the water with her and running my hands over her body.
Two bruises were starting to show on her neck; they looked like he'd been getting off on stealing her breath.
I leaned in and kissed her neck in both places, then I pulled her against me and rocked her as she sobbed.
"I'm more, I'm more, I'm more, Beeeeee, I'm more."
"Yes, I know. You're more than your body. I know."
She couldn't get those words out, but I knew what she'd meant.
Everyone took advantage of her, including me, and she wanted to be more than a piece of meat.
More than her body.
We were circling a drain, headed for our downfall, I could feel it, but I needed to be her hope.
Her partner.
Her best friend.
We stood in that shower until the water ran cold, then I wrapped her in a fluffy robe and pulled her straight to bed.
I didn't bother asking what the trade-off was because there had to be one.
She wouldn't have called him and suffered through this if there wasn't something on the other side, and from what I know, Nico isn't a rapist.
This was a transaction that she regretted, but it was one that she agreed to.
Even if I wanted to call the cops and bring hellfire down on Nico, I knew that I couldn't because Marco had warned me more than once that if Nico goes down, he's taking Santana with him.
And I couldn't let that happen.
I went into work the next day after leaving Santana with Celia, who swore to me that she wouldn't let her be alone for a second.
We had one week before workshops and two weeks until the trial, which I was assured would be fast because of all the evidence mounting up.
But I needed out of the show, even if it was just for a few days.
Frankie was in her office with August laughing about something when I walked inside and shut the door.
The moment that she saw my face, she knew that it was her that I needed to talk to.
"Hey, Auggie...can you give us a minute?"
"Of course...I'll be down on the stage with Tony...just come on down when you're done in here."
August patted my shoulder as he left and shut the door.
Now I was all alone with Frankie.
"You don't look happy, Britt...talk to me."
"I was offered a job in L.A."
"I know; they called me for a reference."
"They did?"
"Of course, and I gave them an amazing one. I've been where you are; once you are done creating for a show, there's nothing left for you to do."
"Exactly."
"Are you bringing it up because you want to leave the show before it starts?"
"No. Yes...maybe?"
"Sit down, Britt."
I slumped into a chair across from her, and she cracked her knuckles before looking me straight in the eyes.
"I just need a fresh start."
"No, what you need is to finish a job for once."
I was not prepared for the tough love act, but Frankie obviously was.
"What do you mean?"
"You've quit two tours, and now you want to quit before your contract is up. Shit, you were ready to quit your marriage twice...three times? Then there's the abor-" She looked apologetic, and I slammed my hand down on the desktop.
"Don't go there, Francis." I snapped, becoming every bit the dominant that I was in our relationship, and she sat back and smirked.
Yet another reaction that I wasn't expecting.
"Fine. Look, you have a contract negotiation coming up next March, right after the show opens. All I'm saying is stick it out until March, and if you need to move on, then do it but for the love God, please just stick it out."
"But she's falling apart, Frankie."
"You can't save Santana, Britt. Nothing you can do is going to make her sober. You've tried everything."
"Not everything." I said.
"She has to want it. You can't do this for her. There are drugs in L.A. too, anywhere you go, that woman can afford the best drugs. Location isn't going to change what she is...an addict."
"I know."
"The best thing that you can do is be stable for your kids. I pray that she gets better, we all do, but you need to prepare for what happens if she doesn't."
I buried my face in my hands and finally cried.
It wasn't something I could really do at home; I had to be on, always, but here in Frankie's office, I could let it out with someone who loved me enough to call me out.
Once she was tired of my tears, Frankie knelt in front of me, pulled my hands from my face, and then wiped my tears with a tissue.
"I can't do this for her, but I signed up to do this with her. I just need to give her some hope."
Frankie's eyes lit up. "Actually, I might have just the thing."
Santana's POV
"Come on, how are you so terribly out of shape?" Celia ran ahead of me on the indoor track, and I had to crouch over and try not to vomit.
Deja vu.
"I want to go home." I complained, and she ran backward, took my hand, and pulled me along with her.
"And you will once we finish this mile. Weren't you JUST on the cross country team a few months ago?"
"Yeah."
"All of this is because of drugs?"
"Yeah."
"And you still want them?"
"I wish I didn't."
"What's it going to take for you to get there?" My sister did what she did best, she got me talking, and before I knew it, we were moving into a second lap, albeit at a slower pace.
"Peace." I admitted. "Every...time there is drama...I slip. I need peace."
"That's it?"
"I think so."
"Have you tried painting?"
"No."
"Great, let's go upstairs and get you set up with an easel."
"I'd much rather go home."
"Well, you can't, not until Brittany is home."
"I don't need a babysitter Ceily. Snix is probably looking for me."
"She's a cat; she'll be fine."
"You don't know that. She's just a baby."
"Then we'll go upstairs and get her; I'm sure her mother would be happy to see her."
"Are you sure Quinn's going to want that cat?"
"They've met over video, and Q is very excited to meet her in person next week."
I stopped running and walked off the track in search of my water bottle; the thought of Quinn coming home made me feel emotional.
It'd been hard with her gone; no one got me like she did, not even B.
She was my voice of reason, and I was hers.
Even though Britt had cradled me in her arms and told me she didn't blame me for what I had done, again...I could see the hurt in her eyes.
We weren't going to last, and it was going to be my fault.
And I think I was already preparing for it.
When we got up to Ceily's, Britt stood in the hall on her phone, waiting for us.
"Oh, thank the sweet baby Jesus!" I said, throwing myself at her.
She wrapped me in her arms and kissed my forehead a few times.
"You're sweaty." She said, hugging me tightly.
"Just took her for a run downstairs. She bitched the whole time."
"Well, I can't stay; I just came to have lunch with her."
"Nice."
I grumbled as they talked about me like I wasn't there, but Britt just held me tight and kept dropping kisses on my forehead.
And I can't lie, I enjoyed the attention.
Once my sister disappeared into her apartment, Britt pulled me towards the stairs, but I quickly pushed the elevator button.
"My legs hurt."
"Oh, so not a sexy lunch?" She asked, and I shook my head.
"I feel dirty, B...and not just from the run."
"Oh."
"I know that I used to have you fuck me into being yours again, or you'd fuck me to make me feel clean but right now, my pussy is on time out."
"Okay, baby, say less."
"I hope you didn't come all the way home to screw me...actually, I'm not that sorry."
She nodded and kissed my forehead again, not seeming as bothered as I thought she'd be.
I knew I was taking my trashy feelings out on her, but she didn't seem to care much.
And that bothered me.
Countless people have told me that I suck all the air out of a room, and frankly, it's not my fucking fault that I was born flawless.
But who am I kidding? Flawless Santana didn't exist anymore.
I wished that she did; maybe it was possible still to get her back.
At just 21, I still had a full life ahead of me if I could stay clean.
Why shouldn't I be able to become flawless again?
Brittany's POV
I laid everything out on the table while she heated up last night's dinner for lunch.
Then I waited.
When she came over with the plates, I took them from her and placed them far away from the papers.
"What's all this?"
"When they finalized the scripts, they added a spot for a new song and dance. Only, all the songs that have come back suck. Frankie was wondering if you'd give it a shot."
"You want me to write music and a song for a Broadway show?"
"Yes...well, Frankie does. She offered to pay you, all you'll need to do is compose something that's got pop. I have to create the choreography so we can work together on it too."
"Okay, but why me? Did you beg her to give me something to do?"
"No, I told her that you needed some hope...and she suggested this."
"I don't want a pity project, B."
"It's not pity. Think of it as a favor to me."
"I'll do it on one condition."
"Name it."
"Trust me enough not to need a baby sitter."
"Okay, I can do that on one condition." She raised her eyebrows, surprised that I was challenging her.
"Okay."
"Promise me that there's no drugs in this apartment."
She hesitated, and my heart sunk.
"It was the trade for last night...if I give it to you...I did that for nothing." I was surprised that she was being honest with me.
"Your body is priceless, what he gave you might kill you. Sugar said that he came back from his fake death like a completely different person. You could bring down his marriage, who's to say what he gave you is even safe to take?"
"I don't know."
"Do you really want to chance it?"
"No." She looked so unsure.
"Give it to me."
"Please don't make me." She was near tears as she shuffled in place.
I pulled out my phone and sent a quick text to Frankie and Celia.
Change of plans. Staying home for the rest of the day-Brittany
See you at 6am-Frankie
Let me know if you need backup.-Celia
Actually, Ceily, I need you to pick up the kids and take them to Gladys.-Brittany
You got it.-Celia
When I put my phone down, I folded my hands on the table and stared her down.
"What did you just do?" She asked, as she shifted from foot to foot.
"The kids aren't coming home if there are drugs here. Ceily will take them to your mom and I'm not going back to work today."
"I don't need a babysitter."
"Is there coke in this apartment?"
"Yes."
"Then you need a fucking baby sitter." I snapped and her jaw dropped. "Do I need to search for it myself?"
"I...I...spread it around."
"When?"
"While you were sleeping."
"I want it all or I'm going to call the agent that is downstairs."
"There's an agent?"
"Of course there is...especially after last night, now there's one at the garage door. No more late night visits."
"Fuck." She muttered and turned from the table.
If she'd spread it out, she would keep hiding it if I didn't watch, so I got up and followed her.
So much for trusting her.
Frankie was right; I couldn't save her if she didn't want to be saved.
"I had my first piano lesson when I was four years old. It had been Tío Gene's idea. He had noticed that when music came on, especially song with pianos, I would go into a deep trance. If it had been Abuela who had noticed this, I would have been declared insane and sent to a convent...but thankfully, it was Mami's favorite brother instead. Papi insisted that if I was going to learn the piano that I needed to do it right, so he found the best piano teacher in all of Lima to teach me. I took to the piano better than I took to words. At one point I had gone completely mute for three days because the only thing that made sense was the sound of the keys. When I wasn't in church, I was usually parked in front of a baby grand. Papi even bought Abuela one so that I would never be too far from my new obsession."
"Where's that piano?"
"No idea. Mami probably knows."
"I'll ask her...it would be nice to have it."
"Yeah it would."
"So what happened after you became obsessed?"
"After a while, I didn't even go to Abuela's to play anymore because once I roped Ari into my obsession, by digging up old symphonies so she would dance while I practiced. Seeing her like that, moving to my music, made me fall in love with her. Even at such a young age. I began to play even more obsessively, looking for the right notes just for her. So when I was about to have my confirmation, I surprised Ari with this song that I had composed for her. We had gotten too comfortable with touching and looking at each other however we wanted when we were alone in my house. That night we were at Abuela's. That night in my Abuela's living room sealed our fates. Even though we weren't touching each other, Abuela didn't like the way we kept stealing glances at each other. Once Abuela told Papi, and he told Marco's dad, it was over for us. We weren't allowed to be alone anymore."
"That's tough."
"It really was, because once we were separated, I was really home alone. My piano became my life; I would spend hours playing it and making a game out of it."
"What kind of game?"
"Oh, you know, something completely unhealthy. Like, how long could I go without food or water? How long could I just exist on music? I went two whole days once before I passed out. When that happened and I woke up on the floor feeling weak, I stopped playing that game and decided to play until Mami or Papi came home."
"Wow."
"Yeah...Marco hated my piano playing because it took the focus off of him. Still, I did it anyway...up until Papi broke my hand. He was fed up with Marco always complaining about me playing. Marco got it into his head that it was distracting me. Papi came home drunk one day while I was playing and he slammed the lid down...it caught my left hand and shattered it. I was in a cast for months and had to get two surgeries to repair it. I didn't play again until Ian's funeral. Then I wrote the song for Beyoncé and a few for Mercedes...it amazes me that even after I've done terrible shit, the fact that Frankie wants to pay me to write a song is insane to me. All my life the only talent that makes me feel one with my soul is creating music. I know it's what I was born to do. That's why I don't want you to ever give up on dancing."
Ana laid on her back looking at an old picture of her playing her first piano recital. After she'd finally given me her coke, she walked away so she couldn't see what I did with it. I found her in our closet, rummaging through totes of stuff, in search of her music book but she stopped when she saw that picture and sat on the bed with tears in her eyes.
"Who took that picture?" I asked her and she looked at me with a sad smile.
"Ari. Even though I have that terrible mullet from when I was Uncle Jesse for Halloween, I look pretty dope."
"You look beautiful. Look at that secret little smile that you have."
"Secret?"
"Well yeah, its the one you get when you finally accomplish something that you had no hope of mastering. It's one of my favorite smiles. Dani has it too."
"She does?"
"Yup."
She sighed and then turned to me, taking my hand in hers. "I'm trying really hard, B."
"I know."
"Once this trial is over, I think you should take the job."
"There's drugs everywhere, Ana."
"Yeah, I know that but I want to be clean. I want to be better."
"You keep saying that but then last night happened...do you know how terrifying it was for me to watch that video, you went off to the side and didn't move for a long time."
"I'm sorry."
"I know...and I wish that was enough but it's not...not anymore. I need to see you actually change."
She was crying but she nodded. "Okay."
Santana's POV
She was hovering and it was making me feel crazy.
I had given her my coke, and now I was expected to write a song.
But how could I do that if Britt was just sitting in my loft on her phone, funking up my creative space.
"You can go back to work, B. I'm fine."
"Nah, I'd rather stay."
"Can you make yourself useful then?"
"How?"
"Talk to me...or maybe play your drums that have a layer of dust on them."
"Hey, I've been busy."
"Yeah, well, I had to move my piano over to make room for them, it would be nice if you played them once in a while."
"Okay, I see what you're doing, Ana...don't pick a fight with me just so I'll storm off. I don't feel like being alone is good for you, that's it."
"Last night..." I trailed off, as I thought of the bomb that Sandra had dropped on me, a bomb that I wasn't supposed to tell anyone about because it was essentially classified until the trial. I wasn't supposed to tell even Britt but how was I supposed to be able to make it through? "Was a mistake that I don't plan on making again. I hit a low."
"Exactly. I don't want you to fall even lower."
"I don't think I can fall lower, B."
"Well, I don't want you to find out if you can. I'm here to help you."
"Then help me. I need to know what tempo you're looking for. Get on the drums, tell me what beat you'd like to choreograph to. Once I get the music going, the lyrics will come."
"Are you sure?"
"I have listened to the soundtrack every single time you've turned the living room into a dance studio. I already have a feel for the show, I've read the scene...I think I've got it."
"Okay, I'll play."
I played chopsticks while I waited for B to wipe down her drums, and then she spent five minutes picking out drumsticks before she FINALLY sat her ass down.
She did a few test hits and then looked at me sideways.
"How do you just make music out of thin air?" She asked.
"Well, you start with one note...then you build on it. See." I did a quick little ditty and then she followed up by hitting a simple beat...a four count, then she added an extra beat every eighth beat. I nodded along as I listened to her repeat it over and over. "Don't stop, keep going."
So she did and I began playing.
It felt good to make music with the woman that I loved.
We were having our own little jam session and it was the kind of moment that I wanted for the rest of my life.
I pulled out my phone and hit record on her beat, then I began playing what I had come up with so far.
Britt was grinning, then she got up and began to dance out a few steps.
And for the first time in days, I felt my nerves calm and the cravings fade to the background.
Music was the most powerful drug, and I was happy to have it as my mistress.
After our jam session, Britt finally left to take extra clothes to Mami's and bring back dinner, even though shit with Pa had never been fixed my wife was choosing to the bigger person.
Like always.
Snix meowed at me while I played my music, thinking through lyrics.
My head began to ache and my fingers shook.
The cravings were back, and I was doing my best to root myself to that fucking bench but then I looked at my watch and I knew that I had more time than I thought.
So I knelt down and lifted up my piano bench.
"Hey sis." I froze when Sandra's voice came from behind me.
Fuck.
I grabbed a music book, and closed the bench, standing up just before Sandra came around the piano.
"Hey. What are you doing here?"
"I wanted to check on you after last night. Ceily told me that you had a breakdown. I came to see her new painting, thought I'd come up here and see you."
She pulled me into a tight hug, and I did my best to relax into the hug.
"Thanks for coming over but, I'm fine."
She sat on the couch and looked me over, then she patted the cushion next to her.
I put the music book on the bench and moved over to the couch.
When I sat, I did my best to hide my tremoring hands; I wasn't sure if I was successful.
"Did you tell Britt?" She asked, her voice like gravel from her own crying but she smiled at me as she looked me straight in the eyes.
"No. Mami said not to, so I didn't. I swallowed it instead."
"Well no offense, but your mom isn't the best at deciding what you need. She's good to everyone but you, don't think I haven't noticed."
"It's fine. I'm okay." I muttered and she placed her hand on top of my shaking ones.
"You're not okay."
"I'm trying."
"You need to go back to rehab, sis. I'm worried about you."
"I've been there three times, obviously it doesn't work."
"We can get you into a more intense program, maybe transitional housing?"
"How's that better?"
"They can give you the tools that you need to reenter life. From everything I've heard, you throw yourself fully into rehab but when you come out, you slip."
"Because life is hard, Sandra. Everything is stacked against me."
"Not everything. You have so much going for you."
"I know that. Look, I know what I need to do and once this trial is done, I will do it but right now, I need to be right here to make sure that motherfucker gets locked up."
Just thinking of him hurting my family was breaking me apart inside but I had to be strong.
She nodded and squeezed my hands. "I agree but you can't fall in the process, there's going to be a lot of scrutiny on you. If you're high, they aren't going to think you're credible."
"That's what he wants. Giving me that fucking deficiency...it's made me so sick but I've been trying so hard."
"So meeting Nico in the stairwell was a one time thing?"
I rolled my eyes, fucking Brittany.
"Yes."
"Good."
My sister left me with limited time to make a move, and I knew that Britt was giving me her trust but I couldn't think past the haziness in my head.
I lifted the bench open again, ripped the velvet on the side and cracked open a little baggie. I dug my long pinky nail into the bag, then sniffed it. I resituated the velvet, put the music book back and then sat at my piano and continued playing.
With the buzz that I had going, I began to really get into the song, looping through the melody and writing more.
My nose burned but I just wiped it on my sleeve before continuing to play.
I heard the main elevator chime and knew that I needed to get my shit together fast.
So, I double checked that my stash was secured before rushing down the stairs and getting into the shower.
I got Gloria Estefan going and then began to wash my hair, just in case my eyes were bloodshot, it didn't hurt to have gotten soap in my eyes.
Britt didn't come while I was in the shower.
And when I got out, quickly getting dressed, she wasn't in the bedroom.
Paranoia hit me...was she looking again?
I knew it was something she did when I wasn't around, search the apartment.
She was never as good at it as I was, always leaving things just out of place.
I walked out into the living room into the darkness...no Britt.
The light to the loft was on, I took the stairs two at a time but the person standing there wasn't Britt.
It was Carmen, looking crazy-eyed and ready for a fight.
"Uh...hi." I said and it was the last thing that I said before her fist collided with my face. I wasn't as fast as I used to be, when I lunged at her, she jumped to the side.
"You think I wouldn't know, Santi? Hmm?" She hit me again, and I dropped like a stone and curled into a ball like Sugar had shown me.
"Carmen, please stop!" I begged and she kicked my side.
"Please? Gran puta, you fucked my husband and you have the nerve to beg for mercy!" I groaned when her boot connected with my hip.
"I'm sorry." I groaned. "Please...I...fuck." Her boot was headed for my head when I rolled away. "Lo siento!"
The main elevator chime rang and I knew that I had to protect myself long enough for Britt to get to me. I reached for anything I could grab but then I heard the click of her gun.
"I should end your pathetic life right here...right where Sugar died...then I'd be sure you'd never make this mistake again. On your knees, Santi." I got up and looked into her eyes, she was crying too. It killed me to see that my stupidity and selfishness had hurt her so much.
"No...please...I...I'll do anything."
Our eyes met as I knelt there looking up at her, trying to find compassion behind her cold eyes.
She crouched down and gripped me by my hair, our faces inches apart, so close I could smell her mango Chapstick. "Get clean. I know what that craving does...I know that's why you did it, I've been there...but let it be the last time. You get one warning, or you end up like Sugar. Got it?"
I stared at her in shock, not wanting to believe that it was Carmen that had killed Sugar...but she was all but confessing it. When I didn't answer right away, she yanked my hair tighter. "Yes...I'll do it."
She let me go, put her gun away and disappeared down the steps.
I heard the front door open, and the surprise in Britt's voice while I laid there bleeding and crying.
Fuck.
Fuck.
My fucking fault.