Renegade (Big Red Machine feat. Taylor Swift)
Brittany's POV
"You really shouldn't be here, Grady." I rubbed my eyes, trying not to be annoyed with his presence, but it was almost 2 am on a Wednesday night. I had work in the morning.
"Why not?"
"Because we're not friends and the last time you came into the building, you assaulted my wife."
"That was a misunderstanding."
"I don't care what it was. You shouldn't be here."
"Please let me come up...I just want to explain my actions yesterday."
"You can do that right here."
"On the street?"
"The sidewalk, yes."
"What happened to you, Brittany? You used to be silly and sweet. Now you're cold. Is this what it means to be back with Santana?"
"Grady, it's late...we can talk at work tomorrow." I sighed, trying to ignore his jab at my wife. "I had a long day."
"Are you coming to work?"
"Of course, I am. Why wouldn't I?"
"Well, after what happened between us yesterday, when you didn't show up today, I thought it was because of me."
"Newsflash, the world doesn't revolve around you." I sighed as I leaned against the brick wall of my building. The doorman was looking over at me, ready to spring into action if I asked him to, but Grady wouldn't hurt me in public. It wasn't his style. His attacks were usually verbal.
Besides, I was his boss. He wasn't about to fuck that up, not again.
"Is she here? That's why you won't let me up?"
"Why is that your business?"
"So that's a no...I know her one kid is in the hospital, and the other one is in Ohio, so that means you're up there alone, which is why I don't understand why you won't let me come up...just for a little while."
"For what, Grady? Why do you need to get me alone?"
"Because I don't want to have this conversation with your guard dog watching." He looked over at the doorman and then back at me, taking a step closer. "Please, why can't you just see things my way? It's not fair to me."
"Tough shit, Grady. You can say what you need to say right here, or you can leave."
He stepped into my personal space, his fingers long and strong as he wrapped his hand behind my neck and tipped my head up with his thumb. I had forgotten what it was like to be this close to someone taller than me.
I didn't like how powerless it made me feel.
And I wondered if my height ever made Ana feel that way.
"You belong with me, B. I know I fucked up, but at least I can give you another baby...one that is yours. One that isn't a result of your wife sleeping around. I can save you from her."
In his eyes, Izzy and Dani weren't my kids, just my burdens, but they were mine. I loved them with all of my heart. I was there when they were born, took their first steps, and learned to potty. Those were my babies just as much mine as they were Santana's, and I didn't need to explain that to anyone.
His words stung, just like always.
But he didn't realize the mark he'd left on me that couldn't be erased.
I pushed at his chest hard enough for him to stumble back.
"Jokes on you asshole, I can't have babies anymore."
He looked shocked, "Because of me?"
"I got a bad infection; I had to have a hysterectomy...so no more babies for me, thanks for that."
"I'm so sorry, Brittany. Seriously, that's terrible."
"You know what's terrible? Forcing a girl who loves you to get an abortion, which goes against every single thing she believes in, and then LEAVING her to suffer through it alone. That's what's terrible. Leave on your own now, or I'll get my guard dogs to make you."
"I'm sorry, Brittany. I should have done better. Let me make it up to you? I need to make this right."
"Fuck you; I don't care."
"Fine. Fuck you too. I wish you could see how she's ruined you." He said as he backed away. "And she will keep on ruining you. You'll regret not letting me save you from her. Mark my words."
"I'd rather be ruined by her than saved by you."
I went upstairs to the apartment, feeling all the emotions that I never really let myself feel anymore because I was too busy being a mom and a wife.
My stomach always felt empty now...like it had a hole in it that nothing could fill.
And Grady's words didn't help.
I wanted to call Ana and tell her about it, but she didn't need to hear about that bullshit.
She had her own demons; she didn't need mine.
But then she sent me that song that she'd written on a whim, and it filled in those broken places.
I pushed the furniture to the side and danced to her voice, over and over until my legs were numb.
Out of habit, I checked my phone sometime around 3 am, because when it came to my wife, the middle of the night was the hardest for her craving-wise. The only message was one from Frankie that she'd sent to the whole company.
No workshop in the AM. Meet me at the theater at 9:30am. I have notes.-Frankie
Part of the reason that I didn't take Ana up on her offer to stay the night was that the workshops were closer to TriBeCa and Izzy; now that we were headed back to the theater, I thought that maybe cuddling up with Ana might be better than being miserable all alone.
Izzy had therapy in the morning, so I wouldn't see him until after work anyway.
I had difficulty falling asleep with the abortion on my mind and the ghost of all the babies that I would never carry in my body, pulling my soul down.
So, I got up and packed my dance clothes before climbing in a cab.
The whole ride to midtown, I cried quietly in the backseat, wondering if Ana would EVER get healthy enough to carry my eggs. I knew that if that was ever going to happen, though, I had to show her that there was still an us.
When I pulled up to our old house, the first and second floors were dark, but the third floor was lit.
You up?-Britt
Yeah, is everything ok?-Ana
Can you come down and let me in?-Britt
Sure thing-Ana
From the moment that Grady had walked away, I had been emotional.
I was holding back my feelings, not wanting to worry her, but then I saw the foyer light come on, and it all rushed back. I wiped at my eyes one last time just before the door was pulled open.
Ana was wearing my old Julliard shirt, some booty shorts, and her glasses. She was breathtaking, and I wanted to kiss her so badly.
Because even though it was the middle of the night, and her brow was all scrunchy, she was glowing.
"Hey." She said, looking past me, and then she pulled me inside by my shirt before shutting the door. "Sorry, if I get near that threshold after 8pm or linger near the door for too long, my ankle buzzes."
"Right, sorry. Is it still okay if I stay?" I said, looking down at the big ugly box on her small ankle.
"Yeah, it's fine. Mami and Pa are knocked out, so just walk light." She locked the door and then shut off the foyer light before taking my hand, like I had done her earlier in the day, and leading me up the steps.
She didn't let go of my hand until we were behind her bedroom door.
I gripped the strap of my bag as I looked around the room.
Her keyboard was taking up half of the bed, with her big DJ headphones on top.
She'd been playing. It made me feel bad for interrupting because I knew how much she hated to stop.
"Is it okay that I'm here? Did I interrupt your flow?"
"It's fine. I need to get some sleep anyway. Go get settled while I clean up, okay?"
"Okay, is my toothbrush still in the bathroom?"
"Yeah, it's in the medicine cabinet." She looked nervous as she moved around the room, picking things up. I wanted to still her body and hold her tight, I wanted her to tell me that it was okay to be sad about ghost babies, but more than that, I wanted to give her a moment because I knew how bad her cravings were in the middle of the night.
I was just happy to be near her because even though she wasn't fully herself yet, she was my comfort person.
And right at that moment, I needed to be held.
Santana's POV
I couldn't figure out if she was testing me, but I wanted to show her that I was better.
So while she went into the bathroom, I changed the sheets and picked up all my shit from the surfaces. Snix was glaring at me from her perch in the corner. Mami had gotten her a cat tree, and she was obsessed with it during the day but usually cuddled with me at night.
Like me, she hated to be woken up, and me rushing out of bed had woken her up.
"Sorry, kitty." I whispered, and she yawned and then turned away from me.
I finished cleaning up and then climbed into bed with my journal to finish the verse I had been working on, but that didn't last long because moments later, Britt came out of the bathroom with bloodshot eyes and a quivering lip.
Something had definitely happened, but I was sure it wasn't the kids.
I smiled at her and went back to add my lyrics to the journal to avoid forgetting them.
The bed dipped as Britt got comfortable, and then her hand was on my bare thigh. I put the journal down and turned off the side lamp.
Her face was only illuminated by the street lights, but I could still tell that she was crying again.
I shuffled down until our knees were pressed together, and I could smell the mint toothpaste on her breath.
"Do you want to tell me what's wrong, B?"
My body shook a little from my nightly cravings, but I tried my best not to pay any attention to them.
"I just hate him. Why can't he just go away?"
There was only one guy that made Britt this upset.
"Grady?"
"Yeah, I had just listened to your pretty song, and I was about to go to bed when the front desk called me and told me there was a guy outside asking for me."
"What did he want?"
"You can't get mad." She said as her hand snaked over my hip and held me close to her.
"I can't help it if whatever he did pisses me off, and you have to be okay with that, B."
"The other day...he walked me to the hospital, and I was upset about Izzy ignoring me, he took me to get ice cream...he tried to kiss me, but I told him to stop, he did, but then he started saying stupid stuff about you, and the kids. I slapped him, so he shoved me back, and I hit my hip on the corner of a wall. I threatened to have him fired if he ever touched me again."
"Oh, good for you, B. I'm proud of you for putting your foot down."
"Yeah, well, he doesn't get that I did that because he showed up tonight after I called out of work today. He thought it was because of him, but it wasn't. I needed to be there for you, it had nothing to do with him, but he took it personally."
"Of course he did. What an asshole."
"Yeah."
"But that just sounds like a bunch of shit that makes you mad. Why are you crying?"
"He brought up giving me babies that are all mine. I told him I couldn't, and I told him why I couldn't. He was all apologizing, but it still hurt. When I went upstairs and started thinking about ghost babies, I just couldn't be alone. All I wanted was you."
She leaned forward and kissed me hard. Her tears wet my cheeks, and her body pressed against mine, calming my shaking. I knew what she wanted from me, but it couldn't happen.
But my mind and body were not in agreement.
I moaned when she lifted my thigh and pushed her knee against me; it had been too long since I'd felt pleasure. I hadn't had her touch me like that since the night that Sandra dropped her truth bomb all over me, but I had made a decision for myself that I wanted to stick to.
"B...I...I can't."
"You're mine, baby...and I'm still yours. You can do this. I was just mad before; there's always an us. Please?" She whined as she pressed her knee harder against me. I had been trying my best to convey just how uncomfortable she was making me, but there was a fire in her eyes...the same one that scared me more than once over the years. I knew better than to deny her when she was like that; it only led to bad places.
"Okay."
That was all the permission that she needed as she rolled on top of me, continuing to use her knee to make me wetter. I bit back my groan and tried to be in the moment...but I just felt conflicted.
She already had all the control in this relationship, the kids, our apartment, money, and what did I have, but my body?
Now she wanted to use my body to make herself feel better like everyone else had?
"I missed you so much." She said as she pressed kisses against my neck. It felt like she was everywhere as she stripped me out of my panties and tank top while she stayed in her shorts and bra. She used her knees to keep my thighs open as she slid her fingers inside me.
"Fuck."
"You're so wet...wow...all of this for me?" She was sliding in and out as she nibbled on my neck and my breasts, as she fucked me. "Grady thinks you run me, but little does he know. I run this. This pussy is mine." She growled. "Not Nico's." She pulled her fingers from me and began going super speed on my clit. "Not Ari's or Quinn's...it's mine." Then she slid in with more fingers, and I had to pull down a pillow to moan into. I didn't want Mami to hear me because she would never stop lecturing me about boundaries.
"B...fuck...softer...please?" I begged.
"Mine. Say it." She demanded, not going any softer.
"Y-Yours." I felt my orgasm coming and began pushing against her fingers, which only excited her more.
"Never again do you give this away, do you hear me? This is only for me." She pressed her fist into me, and I lost all speech; I was chanting her name...feeling delirious.
The ache was too much...more than I was ready for.
And I didn't want to be owned by anyone...not even her, but it was what she needed, so I told her whatever she wanted to hear.
"Yours. Yours. Yours. Please, B...please?"
I was exhausted, but she kept going until she felt better, which I guess was her point.
When she rolled off of me, she pulled me against her and went right back to being sweet, kissing my shoulder like she hadn't just turned into an angrier version of herself.
Is this what I had wanted when I was high?
Had she gotten used to a version of me that I was trying like hell to get rid of?
She'd worked my body as only she could, but I still felt so disconnected from the act, which was troubling me.
After years of sexual abuse, I was over the roughness, and I was more than a piece of meat...at least, I was on my way to becoming more.
The anger was too much for me, and I think I knew then that she wasn't doing what she needed to be doing...and sure, it wasn't her feeding coke to Isaac, but it could be just as deadly.
My mind returned to her pinning to the wall and choking me while I pleaded for my and Dani's lives.
And then I was wiping tears as her breath blew lightly over my neck.
I laid still until her hold on me loosened as she fell asleep.
Brittany loved me, but I felt used, and I hated it.
I pulled Elmo from out of my nightstand, blew a kiss which usually got Snix on the bed, and then curled up, hoping that with sleep would come clarity.
Snix jumped onto the bed, and curled up against my stomach, and purred until I fell asleep.
Britt was snoring loudly as I got up with my 6am alarm.
I journaled while she talked in her sleep, and then I took a shower and did my hair while she drooled on my pillow.
And at 8am, when she was still asleep, I set her alarm for 8:30 and left her a note before walking to church.
Even in my dreams, I was thinking about the state that she left me in after sex.
I didn't feel violated or anything; I just felt hollowed out and numb.
Mass only lasted about 30 minutes since people usually passed through on the way to work, but I prayed a little extra, hoping that Britt would be gone when I got back home.
But when I went inside, she was sitting at the dining room table having a cup of coffee with Mami and Quinn.
"Oh...hi." I said as I kicked off my shoes by the door.
"Mi'ja! You didn't tell me you were leaving. I would have gone with you."
"It's okay; I was out the door the first moment that I could be. I needed to be alone with my thoughts." Mami gave me that stern look that she always gave when I said I needed to be alone because, in her mind, that meant I needed to be alone to get high, but that's not what this was.
And judging by the look in Britt's eyes, she knew it was true.
"Can we talk?" Britt asked, and I shrugged.
"Sure."
"Outside?" She asked, and I shrugged again.
"If you want."
She gave Mami a kiss and then ruffled Quinn's hair before picking up her dance bag.
I followed her out to the front steps, not bothering with putting my shoes back on; it's not like I was going anywhere.
She was searching my eyes for coke or lies, I'm not sure, but I dropped my head and backed away from her until I was leaned against the banister.
"Did I fuck up?" She asked, coming closer to me. I sucked in a breath when she entered my personal space. I put my hands on her stomach, keeping her from stepping any closer, and she looked hurt. "I did fuck up. Was I too rough?" I shrugged, and she huffed, backing up a few steps. "Please tell me, Santana." She was serious, and I sighed, not wanting this between us.
"You used me, B. I said I couldn't do it, and you talked me into it, but I wasn't feeling it...not really."
"But why? Sexy times have always been good between us. You could have said no."
"I know that, but I didn't want to. I kept waiting to feel into it, but I didn't. There's so much uncertainty between us...you don't trust me with our kids, but you trust me to fuck? Make it make sense."
"That's different."
"I don't see how. How can I be stable enough for you to fuck, but not stable enough to be around MY kids."
I saw the hurt in her eyes, but she knew what I meant, damnit.
"They're my kids too, and you made me promise that if you put them in danger, that I would take them from you, that I would protect them. That's what I'm doing. You put cocaine in Elmo; that's not something a stable parent would do."
"Right...I know. You're right. I'm just not myself right now. I can't be your wife right now, not in that way. I want to be close to you, B. I love that you still want me after everything I've done to my body, but you can't show up here to fuck me so you can feel better. I'm done letting other people use me like a toy for their own selfish reasons. I want romance, I want tenderness, fuck, I have EARNED to be treated as more than a slut. Do I love a little slap and tickle? Definitely, but not all the time."
"I'm sorry." She stepped close again but left room between us. "You're right; I know that you're more. I know you aren't a toy, and I want to trust you with the kids, but it's going to take time."
"Just like letting you randomly fuck me is going to take time...if you want to come over and cuddle, that's fine, but I need a break from sex. I need to feel like it means something. That's why I decided that I need to be celibate. I don't plan to masturbate either just so you know. I need clarity."
"You're serious?"
"Absolutely. I stopped valuing myself Britt, all I wanted for the last little while was to be dead. Right now, I'm really trying to learn to live again for myself so that I can be a better mom and wife. I've been working on myself, but when you say things like last night...when you claim ownership over me just like Dr. Cray...and Marco...and Nico...it isn't sexy."
"Oh."
"Yeah, oh. Look, I don't want you bringing up me fucking other people; I don't want you feeling like you need to prove that you're better than anyone else because you already are. I just want you and me, with no one else involved, especially when it's rough. I need to trust you with my body, and I can't do that when you get like that. My soul is tired, B. I'm 21, and I feel like I've lived a thousand fucking lives, and I am tired."
"Okay, okay...calm down...please?" I must've been yelling because she was looking around and trying to get me to relax. "I get it."
"And another thing," I continued, pressing my fingernail against her chest, ignoring her hiss. "The same way that you know when I'm high, I know when you're off your meds. While you slept, I found no pills in your bag. For a while, you've seemed angrier, and I thought it was because of me, but it's not; how long have you been off them this time, Britt?"
"I don't know." She looked caught.
"How can you not know? You want to snap and kill someone?"
"No."
"What about therapy? Tell me you're going to that at least?"
"I haven't been there either; I've been busy."
"Well, make time. Those pills and therapy keep you out of the loony bin. Do you want to go into Crisis?"
"No."
"Then, please, B...the kids need you to be the sane one. If you go off the edge, my mother will be the one who gets them. Is that what you want?"
"God, no."
"So, what are you going to do?"
"Take my meds and make a therapy appointment."
"Good...now, get going, you're going to be late." She moved towards the top step, but I grabbed her shirt, pulling her back to me. "Can I have a kiss?" I asked, still feeling conflicted but knowing that I couldn't leave things like that.
"Kisses are okay?" She asked, looking embarrassed.
"Definitely, I just need a pause on sexy times."
"How much time?"
"I want to wait until I'm off house arrest, and I plan to be on top." Her eyes went wide, but she didn't argue. Instead, she leaned in and kissed me, but this time it was tender and filled in a little of that hollow feeling that I felt in my chest.
"I love you, Ana banana. For you, I'll wait forever."
"I love you too, and you don't really have a choice."
She went down to the sidewalk but then paused; she looked up at me shyly, "Since we don't have workshops today, do you want to go see Izzy when I'm done?"
"What time?"
"4?"
"I'll let Officer Coleman know. Go be amazing, B-Lo."
The smile returned to her face as she jogged down the block. I watched her until she turned out of sight, feeling a little vindicated.
I had expected a bigger fight, but I had underestimated her...again.
Two weeks had passed since my world had turned upside down, and I felt like I was making progress; but I still had a lot of work to do in the next four, but I was game.
Creating boundaries was a big step; I just hoped my willpower was strong enough to maintain them.
TWO WEEKS LATER
I waited with bated breath as Mercedes sat there with this stunned look on her face.
"So?" I finally asked as I sat there bouncing my legs anxiously while she got her thoughts together, and then finally, she sighed and smiled.
"Girl, that song was amazing. You wrote all of that?"
"Yeah."
"For me?"
"Yes. I promised to help you write your album; I have about fifteen songs ready to go."
"Shit." She stood up then and paced back and forth in front of the camera, the palm trees swaying behind her. "When can you get to L.A.?"
And that gave me pause. Apparently, the glee grapevine hadn't made its way to her.
"About that...I'm on house arrest until February, but you don't need me; I can send them to you."
Her eyes went wide as she plopped back down in her chair. "The point was to do this album together. What did you do this time?"
"I fucked up big time...a lot has happened while you've been prancing around Paris and Rome."
"So you relapsed?"
"Hard. I was already on house arrest...I had an immunity deal after Dr. Cray." Her eyes got impossibly wider.
"I heard about that; you slashed his throat, and they gave you a deal, testify, and you'd get immunity."
"Yeah, but then I did some unforgivable shit while I was high, and now I temporarily lost custody of my kids, Britt, and I are strained, and I am on house arrest."
"Wow."
"Yeah, so, if you want to record with me, you'll have to come here."
"Well, can you build a space?"
"I'm broke, but I think I can swing it if I ask my mom."
"Wow."
"I know, just...I'm hoping that I can turn things around. It's been four weeks since I lost custody, I got to see Isaac a few times, but now I'm going to be restricted again. After I testified, I agreed to six months probation, parenting classes, and random drugs tests. In two weeks, I'll be allowed to have supervised visitation, so that's exciting."
Mercedes looked stuck again, but I could see her mind working.
"And music has helped you?"
"Definitely, I've written so much music, and I've really gotten closer to my faith."
"Praise." She said, pressing her hand to her chest, nodding along. "I'm going to do you a favor, and in return, I want you to write ten more songs."
"Okay...what's the favor?"
"You'll see. Just promise me that this is it. If I take this chance on you, I need you to promise that you'll get back to that woman you dreamed of being."
"I promise you that I will do my damn best to be her."
"Good, picture your highest self, and start showing up as her."
"I'm putting that in a song." I said, quickly writing down her words.
"Great. Let's make it happen."
ONE WEEK LATER
Brittany's POV
Celia and I drove out to LaGuardia to meet her plane loaded down with coffee and good music.
We'd never spent alone time together, and I regretted it after seeing just how cool she was.
Everything about her screamed Santana Lopez...but the OG one, before the drugs, and it made me long for what once was, but not even I was the Brittany I once was.
"Do you think there will be enough room?" I asked her as she drove her truck onto the tarmac.
"Yup, seats seven. Are you going to be like this the whole day?"
"I'm just anxious."
"Well, you need to calm down. You're messing up my vibe."
"God forbid anyone fuck up your vibe." I said, and she grinned.
"That's more like it. Now, did you tell my sister yet?"
"No."
"But you told Gladys?"
"Yup."
"Well, I think you should tell Ana because if she's not ready, it could set her back."
"But it's only for a few days."
"Doesn't matter. Recovery is a tricky thing. She's doing really well. Do you really want to mess with that?"
"No...I guess not."
"We have a few minutes before they deplane. Call her. I'm gonna step out for a smoke."
Celia left me in the car while I called Ana, feeling beyond nervous.
"Hey, B."
"Hi."
"Are you at the airport?"
"Yes. The plane is here, but they are deplaning, Celia says."
"Ok, cool. I hope I get to see your parents while they're here."
"You will. They want to see you too."
"When you see baby girl, give her a bunch of kisses from Mami. Okay?"
"You got it."
"Are you okay?"
"I asked Walker to come with them." I blurted out.
"Yeah, I know. She called me."
"Oh...are you mad?"
"Nope. I'm excited to see her. It's been a while."
"Oh, good. I thought you'd be upset that I invited her."
"Walker is the best person for me right now; she gets what I'm going through. I'm surprised it took so long for her to come out honestly."
"Thank you for being cool with it."
"B, is that all?"
"Well, it's just, Izzy is getting discharged today, and I know you haven't seen him in a week. It will be one more before you get visitation; I feel bad."
"It's fine, B. I miss him, but you'll video chat me with them both tonight, right?"
"I can do that, yeah."
"Then it's all good. Was there anything else?"
"I hate the new medicine they put me on; it makes me emotional."
"Well, then you need to stop going off them. They've had to put you on something each time to rein you back to a level place. I hate that you are going through it, but it's necessary. Just like I hate meetings, but they keep me focused, it's a necessary evil."
"How'd you get so smart?" I teased.
"Easy, because I'm married to a genius."
"I love you." I said, wishing that I could kiss her face a thousand times.
"I love you too. I'm going to go because I promised Mercedes a new song by tonight in this new studio she had built for me, and I need to get to work if I'm going to get it done."
"Okay, baby, good luck."
I got out of the car, and Celia dropped her cigarette and crushed it under her boot.
"How did she take it?"
"She knew."
"And she was okay?"
"Yeah. Ever since she's gone celibate, she's focused. I've never seen her this calm."
"Good for her. Can you imagine how awesome things will be when you two get back together?"
"I think about it every night when I'm in bed."
"Oh, gross. That's my baby sister, Brittany. I was talking about her focus...not sex."
"Right, sorry."
"Eww." She walked towards the plane, leaving me feeling both embarrassed and amused. It was hard to ruffle Celia's feathers, but I'd found her weak spot.
The ramp was set up, and then the door to the plane opened, and Mom was the first to the top of the stairs, with Dad just behind her holding Dani in his arms.
"Mama!" Dani screeched, trying to lean out of Dad's arms; I could tell she was with the right person because he had a grip on her...which Mom wouldn't have been able to do.
I stood at the bottom of the steps, and mom wrapped me up tightly, the tears were trying to come, but I had to hold them back; there would be time for that later.
Once Dani was back in my arms, I felt like I could breathe.
For three weeks, I had felt like I wasn't completely in my body...it was like my heart was pulled in three different places. It felt good to have one of those pieces back.
"Where Mami at?" She asked me with her hands pressing on my cheeks as she stared into my face with her Mami's eyes.
"With Beya."
"I see her now?"
"No, baby, not yet. Soon."
"I play with her." She insisted. "Now?"
Her lip was quivering, and I just kissed her face just like Ana had asked me to.
I walked off to the side with Dani while they got the bags in the car and pulled out my phone, deciding to video her this time.
The screen was black at first, "Hold on, B!" She said, and Dani's face perked up.
"Mami?" She called out, and then the screen got light, then Ana's face filled the screen.
I hadn't seen her look this alert in almost a week since she'd been too sick to leave the house. That deficiency had finally kicked in, and I could see that she'd lost even more weight, but her smile was just as bright as ever.
"Hi, baby girl!"
"Mami!"
"Oh, you are so big. Were you good for Gamma and Pop?"
"Yes! Mami!"
"Good girl. Will you be good for Mama too?"
"Si!" Then her face got serious. "I see you?"
"Soon, baby girl. Mami is sick."
"You sick?" She went from anger to concern fast.
"Yes."
"Like Izzy?"
"Yes, baby."
"Beya make you better?"
"Yes, and Dama."
"Good. I see you when you not sick?"
"Yes, baby girl."
She clapped and then blew her a kiss.
I could see the tears in Ana's eyes as she smiled.
"I love you." She said to Ana, and that brought back the million-watt smile.
"I love you too, baby. Te quiero mucho!"
Santana's POV
When I was off the phone, I wept on Amy's couch...she'd been nice enough to let me stop our meeting to answer the call.
"What are you feeling?"
"I miss my babies. The person who put that coke in the Elmo isn't me."
"It's nice that Brittany has continued video chats for you. I have patients who are completely cut off from all contact."
"Oh, God. You're right; B has been so accommodating. This week I haven't been able to see Isaac since I've been so sick, and it's the last week that I can because he's getting out today, and that was the agreement. So Britt left a tablet at the hospital, and I can call when I want."
"Wow."
"Yeah, she's been great."
"And how are things with your relationship?"
"Good, she got distant after I told her about the celibacy. I know for her, it's the only way she can stop herself. So we don't hug anymore; she will kiss my forehead and give a side hug, that's pretty much it."
"Is that hard for you?"
"Definitely, Britt's hugs are one of my favorite things on this planet. Without them, I feel a little hurt because I miss her touch."
"Have you told her how the lack of touch makes you feel?"
"No. It's not important, I asked for this, and I need to accept the consequences."
"Do you plan on continuing your marriage after this separation?"
"Of course!"
"Then you need to keep open communication with Brittany, no matter how hard it is."
"I never said it was hard; I just feel like I deserve this."
A bell chimed, signaling our last ten minutes.
"On that note, your assignment for our next meeting, write down all the things you think you do and do not deserve, we'll discuss next time."
"Okay...thanks, Amy."
"How are you doing off of the medication, by the way?"
"Sick, like I told you, but for Quinn's remedy to work, I have to be off of them for ten days."
"If that doesn't work, know that there is a prescription waiting for you at the pharmacy."
"Thanks. I'm supposed to start in a few days; I'll let you know how it goes."
"Thank you."
"Did you also stop taking your Lexapro?"
I looked away from her; the thought of being on antidepressants felt like a failure.
Which is why I hadn't filled the prescription.
"I can take them; I just haven't."
"Santana, I prescribed those two weeks ago."
"I know."
"Is there a reason that you decided not to take them?"
"Just feels like I'm broken, and I don't like it."
"You have a chemical imbalance; you need medication to help level you out, just like Brittany does. Only her medication is forever; yours doesn't have to be. It's just going to help you along this process."
"Okay, okay. I get it. I'll take them."
"It can take two weeks for them to really start working for you, so give them time. Keep up the journaling, create your deserving list, and fill that script. Okay?"
"Okay."
Mami met me in the waiting room; her face was without its usual scowl, which meant she was in a good mood for once.
"How'd it go?"
I wiped residual tears, something Mami had gotten used to as a side effect of my therapy sessions. "It went well. I have homework as always, and I got to see Daniela. Britt called me twice."
"You still have an hour before your meeting, is there anywhere else you need to go?"
"Pharmacy."
"You've decided to take them?" She smiled, her eyes going all soft and shit. I rolled my eyes.
"Yes."
"That's great! I've been trying so hard to not pressure you."
"Thanks for that."
"We'll go to the pharmacy and then grab sushi on the way home."
"Sounds good." I sighed, and then my phone chimed.
Your sister is dropping me at your house, are you home?-Walker
On my way.-Santana
Great, thanks for letting me stay.-Walker
Thanks for agreeing! There's a meeting in an hour, you're just in time.-Santana
Good, I was feeling off without it today-Walker
Been there. See you soon!-Santana
"Who's that?" Mami asked as we made our way off the elevator.
"Walker, she's on her way to the house."
"Well, then we'll go straight home; I can go to the pharmacy while you're at your meeting."
"Thanks, Mami. I was really looking forward to that sushi, though."
"Me too. I'll order when we get home, so Walker can pick something."
"Sounds like a plan."
I was anxious, but Mami rested her hand on my leg as I drove my old SUV towards home.
When I parked on the street, Celia's car pulled right in front of us.
"Mami!" I heard Daniela screech from inside the car and knew that if I went over to the car, I'd be in violation...so I stayed right on those steps while my daughter waved at me from the car. I tried to smile, but all I wanted was to wrap her in my arms.
One more week.
Britt mouthed an apology to me as she shut the back door and gave Walker a hug before climbing into the front seat.
My body shook with cravings, it wanted to numb this, but I had to feel it.
And then my stomach lurched as the car pulled away, but I didn't have anything in my stomach.
So I turned around and pressed my forehead to the wall and my hand to the railing.
My eyes fell on the giant cursive L that was on my door, and I thought of Nico, lovingly fixing up this house.
I felt unhinged.
Fuck...that was not how I wanted Walker to see me.
But she stood beside me, with her soft smile, and pulled me tight against her.
I cried against her blazer, knowing that I would probably need to have it dry cleaned if I got makeup on it, but I didn't care.
"One more week, Santana. You've got this."
"I know. It hurts...so much."
"Trust me, I know."
And she did. They'd taken Charlie from her at one point, and she'd had to earn her rights back.
Britt may have thought she had overstepped, but sending Walker to me at that exact moment was shit that best friends are made of.
Even without her hugs, and cuddles, Britt was still showing me that she cared.
Amy was right; I needed to be honest with her.
Maybe I wasn't yet able to hold and kiss my kids, but I could still hug and kiss my wife; she just didn't realize how much I needed her.
I'd rectify that as soon as possible because her hugs were like sunshine, and I was badly in need of a tan.
God, I'm sappy.
Brittany's POV
Izzy knew who I was and smiled at Dani...even my parents, but he kept staring off and looking around.
And I knew immediately who he wanted, so I called Ana, but her phone went straight to voicemail.
Then I called Walker, but hers went to voicemail too.
It was just after 6, and they should be answering, but I got no response.
So I had to go to Gladys, and when she saw me immediately, she looked annoyed.
I would be too, she hadn't gotten the chance to see her grandkids in over a month, and Mom had already given me an earful about it.
"Bendicion." I said, trying to be nice.
"Oh, so you do remember manners?" She said, then, of course, because she couldn't help herself, "Dios te bendiga, mi'ja."
"Izzy is about to be discharged; I was looking for Santana."
"She's at a meeting; it's a hard day for her with not being able to be there."
"I told her she could; she'd just need to wear a mask and gloves since she's not out of the woods."
"And that made her not want to chance of getting him sick again. She blames herself every single time and decided to stay home."
"I understand that. He's looking for her; I just wanted her to be able to see him."
"Of course. She should be home in an hour; call back then."
"Okay." I wanted to hang up, but Mom was glaring from across the room, so I sighed. "Would you like to see him?"
"What kind of silly question is that?" She said, and I wanted to be a smart ass, but I just walked over to the bed and handed Izzy the phone.
He smiled really wide because Gladys meant Santana, and right then, he was looking for any connection.
"Hola, Beya." He said to her, and she gasped.
"Hola, mi nieto. Te extrano."
"Extrano, Beya." He said back, and I immediately felt like shit.
She'd done everything she could to make sure I kept my kids, and I had shut her out the first chance I could.
There was a loud bang from her end, then a sob.
Santana.
Izzy's face scrunched up, then he looked at me confused.
I took the phone back and saw that it was facing the ceiling, there were mumbles and more crying.
Then Walker picked up the phone, looking red-faced.
"Uh, Brittany?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm going to hang up. Everything's fine. I'll have her call you back in a bit."
"Oh, okay. Thanks, Walker."
We went out to dinner after leaving the hospital, with Izzy looking worried the whole time.
Dani kept babbling to him, but he didn't seem into the conversation.
By the time we got back to the apartment, I hadn't heard from anyone, and I was starting to worry.
Mom and Dad insisted that I go see my wife, it felt wrong to leave Izzy since he'd just gotten home, but I couldn't shake the feeling that she needed me.
So I kissed the kids a bunch and then went straight to midtown.
What I wasn't anticipating were the cops to be blocking the street.
And then I saw that the door to the house was open.
My heart was racing as I made my way to the house, feeling terrified of what I was going to walk into.
But there on the curb, side by side with cuffs on their wrists were Mr. Evans and Grady.
When Grady saw me, he called to me.
"I'm sorry! Don't believe her. She's a fucking liar!"
I went into the house while the cops talked to my wife, who stood there looking so composed as she gave a statement.
The cops were headed out as I stepped inside, and when she saw me, her eyes filled with tears.
All of a sudden, keeping my distance to respect her celibacy didn't make sense, she'd told me that day that cuddles and kisses were okay, but I had denied her.
But I wrapped her up then, smelling her hair and enjoying her arms around me.
"I'm sorry." She said to me, and I just kissed her forehead and continued to hold her.
Nothing mattered at that moment but ensuring that she held it together for our kids.
Fuck the rest.
It was time for a change.
Santana's POV
I had a price on my head for the second time, and Mr. Evans had come to collect, but he was not expecting Walker to be there.
When he pressed that gun to my head in the church's bathroom, Walker took him down, leaving him to the church security to deal with.
And when she pulled me up the stairs and out of the church, there was Grady.
He looked murderous as he stormed towards me, saying things he shouldn't know.
"Don't worry, Lolli, when we take you out, I'll be a good Daddy to your kids."
I pushed away from Walker and went straight at him, but my ankle buzzed; he was just outside my boundary.
That didn't stop me from punching him in his pretty fucking mouth.
He had a gun on me the next second, and that's when Walker became a fucking thug and pointed a gun right back at him.
My ankle hadn't stopped buzzing, which is what I wanted.
What better way to call the cops?
Then he hit the lowest of blows.
"She tells me everything, baby. I know how you like her to dominate you, like the whore you are. I know how you like to call her Daddy when she's fucking you. I know how you would crawl over broken glass if she asked you because you're nothing more than a slut, Santana. You don't deserve her. You will never be good enough no matter what you do. There's always going to be a next time."
"Do you want me to blow a hole in your head?" Walker warned, and he backed up.
His words struck me hard.
Why would B talk about me like that?
I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest as I stumbled home, feeling like all I wanted was to make it all go away.
All I wanted was to just be off in the middle of nowhere with my babies.
I knew that it would take time, but I knew that I had to make it happen.
My peace was too valuable.
By the time I got home, I was a snotty, crying mess, scaring the shit out of my mother.
I felt horrible that I had missed calls from Isaac, and even worse, I had stopped a call between him and my mom.
She'd missed him almost as much as I had, and I had ruined it.
Grady's words kept cycling, but somehow I knew that it wasn't new information.
The cops were already lighting up the block, and Walker was outside with Pa talking to them.
It seemed like an eternity of questions.
And I tried to be strong while I answered them; I managed it too right until I saw her.
Looking apologetic and worried.
I wanted her wrapped around me, and then she was, holding me, kissing me, and rocking me.
"I'm sorry." I had said, trying to put all the mistakes I had made in that one short sentence.
She held me tighter.
Me, not Grady.
It took two days of Walker at my side, encouraging me to take that first anti-depressant, for me to agree.
And then, after I conquered that small mountain, things got better.
Mr. Evans and Grady were off the street, both locked up after they confessed. It was the fastest conviction I had heard, especially since Dr. Cray was still being tried, but my part in that was done that I knew of.
Mercedes had sent people to set up a studio in the kids' old room on the third floor.
They'd offered to do it somewhere else, but I wanted it in that room because I needed the reminder of what I had done.
I sat in a booth that was where Isaac's bed had been and sang out, "My heart belongs to you, so please don't break it." Soft and slow.
At first, it had been more of an up-tempo vibe, but Mercedes had insisted I slow it down.
She insisted that it would sound better, jazzed up, so I rearranged the music, slowed it down, and was on video singing it live for her.
There were tears in her eyes and in Walker's as she sat on the other side of the partition, giving me a thumbs up.
I put my arms around myself as I belted out the next verse.
Then I hummed as I played my keyboard.
And then finally, with one last exhaustive bit of feeling, I finished off the song.
I buried my face in my hands and took deep breaths.
"See! Was I right, or was I right?" Mercedes said, and I nodded, still not able to look at her.
"You were right." I mumbled.
"Speak up, Mrs. Lopez."
I rolled my eyes when I finally looked up.
"You were right; it's better this way. It's your song, so you know best."
"Actually, that song is yours...whenever you're ready to come out to L.A., that should be your first single. My team is ready to put you on the map."
"You're shitting me?"
"Ma'am, not now nor have I ever, shitted you. I'm ready when you are!" She let out a cackle, and then the screen went dark.
When I stepped from the booth, I saw that Walker was on the phone, she showed me the screen, and it was Britt smiling so big.
"That's so great, baby."
"You heard?"
"Yeah, that song was amazing, and I'm so happy that Mercedes made my decision so easy."
"You decided?"
"I took the job. They want me in L.A. in May so that I can help build the fall semester's curriculum."
"That's amazing, B!"
"And I already have a house. Sue gave me her keys."
"No shit?"
"It's right off the beach, four bedrooms. Say you'll come."
"Yeah, of course!"
"Awesome. I need to get back to work our new understudy is already nailing his parts, but my girls need to be ready. Things are looking up, Ana."
"Yeah, they are. Video chat tonight?"
"Of course, the kids would never let me miss it. Are you excited, Ana? We have the date, on May 2nd, we are borrowing Ceily's jet and flying home."
"I love you, Britt Britt."
"I love you too, forever, and ever, and ever."
"BRITT, stop making out with your wife, and get on stage!" Frankie yelled from behind her, and I grinned when Britt stuck out her tongue.
"I'll do what I want!" She yelled back but then turned back to me. "Talk soon, baby love. Byeeeee."
"Byeee."
A/N: Time Jump coming. We've lingered here long enough. Take care, loves. :) I'm always here if you need to chat, and thanks for the support!