A/N: I wrote this in a two-day blur, I didn't have the heart to do a deep edit. I'm getting this thing closed out before the end of the year. Thanks for sticking around. Sending you all my love! :)-NR

Better With You (Ollie, Alessia)

JANUARY

Brittany's POV

When Ana got clean the last time and was able to come back home, I swore that I'd never have to see our son's face fall because she wasn't there again.

But there I was, kneeling on the cold sidewalk, wiping away his tears because she wasn't there and wasn't picking up her phone. For the last few weeks, she'd been recording her album with John Legend in L.A., because I had pushed her to do it before she gave birth.

She was having our babies in May and insisted that she'd be putting her music on hold so that she could be a full-time mom once they were born, but for just a few more weeks she would be recording every single day.

Izzy's school had a great program for kids almost as amazing as he was, and they were putting on a winter ball which he as excited to tell her about.

As soon as we got in the cab he wanted to call Ana with the news that he was going to be a snowflake but I made him wait until we got home so that Dani could talk to her too.

Izzy insisted that he be the one to tell her, so I let him. Ana's face was so funny, her eyes got big and her fist covered her mouth, reminding me of when I performed My Cup for the first time. Unlike then though, she knew that every response she had mattered to Izzy, so when she stopped holding back a cackle, she grinned and asked him to show her how he would float onto the stage.

Then she laughed so beautifully, like music but better and he joined her.

Dani and I sat on the couch with Snix cuddled up next to us while Izzy danced in front of his tablet screen for his Mami.

"I miss her." Dani grumbled, crossing her arms over her chest and huffing. "I hate when Mami goes."

"Me too." I whispered to her.

"HEY Sour Patches! Fix your faces! I'll be home for the recital. I promise!" Ana called to us, as Izzy continued to twirl.

I wanted to believe her but the way that she was standing outside in the sun with the palm trees swaying behind her with, her face all sweaty while looking so freaking tan, I found it hard to believe.

For someone who hated L.A. when we lived there, she seemed to really be LOVING it there without me and the kids.

It stung.

"Mami, come home now!" Dani demanded, sliding off my lap and looking like a fierce little Santana. "Mama is sad!" She pointed back at me and I turned my face because it was so wrong that our 5 year old could see what Ana hadn't.

I was HATING her being away, especially since she was pregnant and I was missing all the stuff.

Snix headbutted me just then and I lifted her up, so I could block out everyone but her, just for a moment while I fixed my face.

"Britt?" Ana called to me, "We aren't going to have this talk right now, but I think we need to. I'll call you after I get back from my walk, okay?"

I nodded and got up from the couch, leaving her to say goodbye to the kids because I couldn't hear her say that to me again.

Quinn waved her hand in front of my face, as I checked my phone for the hundredth time that night.

It'd been three hours and still, she hadn't called.

"Britt, go call her. Leave the kids here. Seriously, go." Celia said as she arranged the kids in front of easels.

"Are you sure?" I looked from her to Quinn who was nodding in agreement.

"Yes, and when you talk to her, tell her that even though she's not my Maid of Honor, I still need her to help me plan this wedding like she promised." Q said with a huff.

I nodded, as I kissed the kids' foreheads. "Make it amazing, monsters, I'm so excited to see what you do!"

They grinned at me, which made me feel a little better.

But that wasn't going to be enough, especially when after five unanswered calls, I felt like getting on Ceily's plane and flying to L.A. myself.

I took a deep breath and tried Mercedes instead and you know what? She answered the video call on the second ring!

"Hey, Britt, how are you girl?"

"Hi, Mercedes. Um...have you...uh seen Santana?"

Her eyes got big and then she looked away for a second, then back at me.

The lack of a smile was a dead giveaway, and if it wasn't her lie definitely was. "She can't talk right now."

"Please, Mercedes."

She sighed, "I'll have her call you back."

"Promise me?"

"I promise."

"Okay, I'll be waiting."

And I did.

For a whole hour, I waited...and then just when I was about to call Mercedes again.

Ana called.

No video.

Just her voice sounding tired.

"Hey B."

"Hi, Baby! It's so good to hear your voice." I was probably way too excited but I couldn't help it. She'd finally called!

"Is everything okay there? Are the kids okay?"

"Yes. We just miss you."

"Yeah, me too."

"Why do you sound sad?"

"I'm okay. Just tired."

There was murmuring in the background, and she sighed. "B, can you hold on for a second. I'm going to go on mute, okay?"

"Okay, just don't hang up."

"I won't."

But then she did. The call ended, and when I tried to call back it went straight to voicemail.

Something was wrong.

I knew my wife, and she was off.

If she wasn't pregnant, I'd think it was drugs...but then I remembered Izzy.

My heart sunk.

I was a blur as I stuffed clothes in a bag, the tears were coming fast.

And then I was being wrapped tightly in arms that had always comforted my wife first.

"What are you doing, Britt?"

"I need to go to her."

"You need to slow down."

"No. I need to go, can I borrow Ceily's plane?"

"You can't."

"Why the FUCK not?!" I pushed Quinn off of me and then I saw the look in her eyes. "You talked to her?"

She shook her head. "No. I talked to Mercy...she called me."

"What am I missing?"

"She'll be home in the morning, B...if you go to L.A. she won't be there."

Santana's POV

It was my fault.

I'd been doing too much.

Moving too much.

Not respecting my body enough to give it rest.

All I wanted was to do this thing for Britt.

But I also just wanted to make music.

Over the last few years, Mercedes had been making me record music of my own in between her sessions.

And with the help of a few of her friends, it was all coming together.

Just one more week of recording, and I would be flying home to put my feet up and get fat in peace.

But I overdid it in the meantime.

The doctors insisted that this kind of thing just happens, that there was no rhyme or reason but I didn't believe that bullshit for a second.

I called Dr. Cabot the moment I saw blood, and lucky for me she was at a conference in Las Vegas and was able to get to me within the hour.

She sent me ahead to the hospital and ordered tests, that she would go over when she got to me.

I tried to be calm but Britt was blowing up my phone and there was no way that I could answer her...all I wanted at that moment, I'm ashamed to think, was to bury my entire face in a brick of cocaine.

But that wasn't going to fix anything.

I had more than just me to think about, and the person who would endanger her children in exchange for a high was long gone.

Right?

Dr. Cabot came into the room after an hour of me waiting and cleared out Mercedes who had been holding my hand tightly all through her ten-second call with Britt.

She couldn't know.

Not yet.

I couldn't put this weight on her, what if it was nothing?

Once it was just the two of us, Dr. Cabot pulled up a chair and took my hand.

It was then that I knew that it was bad.

At first, I thought I lost them both...but somehow that wasn't even as bad as the truth, and even though she was a friendly face, telling me that I had lost one twin and would have to carry it until it was safe enough to get a cesarean in a few MONTHS and that I wasn't to blame, still made me snap at my doctor.

"You're a fucking liar. I fucked up...just say it."

"Santana, you need to listen to me. You were already high risk for a few reasons, and you still are. The chance of infection is high, and we'll need to monitor you more frequently. I swear to you that I will do everything in my power to protect you and your remaining baby."

"Wait, you're serious about leaving the dead one inside of me...the dead one...fuck...oh God, the dead one?"

I broke.

Everything became distant after that.

Mercedes came into the room and talked to me, but ended up talking to Dr. Cabot instead but I couldn't hear what they said, it was all mumbles.

My hands rested on my little bump, and I swear on everything half it felt numb.

How could I do this?

Bear this?

Fuck.

Britt...I needed her.

She was so excited.

And I fucked it up.

My fault.

My fault.

Fuck.

I went back to Mercedes' place and climbed in bed sometime late in the night.

She'd said something about flying to New York in the morning.

And then tried to get me to eat.

I didn't want to but then I put my hand to the side of my belly I could feel, the warm side, and knew that I had to do everything in my power to make sure that this baby lived.

So I ate.

And I showered.

I felt cold.

Even with the air conditioner off and the window open, I couldn't get warm.

That cold, numb part of my stomach was making all of me freeze.

Elsa had nothing on me.

It was no wonder that instead of getting on the plane in the morning, Dr. Cabot had me back in the hospital.

My body was still operating on twice the amount of hormones, blood, and everything else.

Everything was being thrown out of whack, there was a high chance of losing the baby and she wasn't taking any chances just yet.

So the flight got canceled.

And when I was finally a little warmer, with a steroid coursing through my body I went back to the house.

Not once did I call Britt.

I figured she'd know already.

Mercedes couldn't keep something like this to herself, and I didn't want her to.

Telling Britt this, wasn't something that I could handle.

I was just trying to keep moving forward, whether I felt strong enough or not.

My body had been through hell, and now it was failing to do what it was designed for.

I had made it through most of my previous two pregnancies high and in a coma respectively with no losses, but this time when I was being so careful the baby couldn't hold on.

Sadness pulled me deep, it's no surprise that it wasn't long before I cold again.

Numb to everything.

And the tears never came, I just moved through until 24 hours after my world shifted, when in my sleep, I felt heat again.

I felt the tension leave me, and the icy tears melt as Britt spooned me close.

"Let it out, Baby...don't shut down, I'm here now. I'm sorry it took so long."

"I'm sorry." I whispered, suddenly feeling very much in the moment.

"It's not your fault."

What had I done to deserve her?

Put in work...went through hell.

Survived her worst, so that she could support me in mine?

Yes.

Yes.

"My fault."

"It's not."

"I'm sorry...sorry...sorry." I wept into the pillow and she sniffled into my hair. She wasn't holding back either.

She held me impossibly closer as we mourned our loss together, and prayed to God that the baby that still lived, would get to survive.

"I'm sorry too, Ana...I love you and I won't ever stop. I promise."

FEBRUARY

Brittany's POV

My wife has this crazy ability to lock things up tight in her head and keep moving...she says that I get that way too when it comes to dancing.

I have danced flawlessly on broken toes, moved through being a base with a sprained ankle, and have been able to keep smiling through Izzy's occasional meltdowns.

But this...losing another baby and then still working to keep another alive wasn't something I could just treat like nothing.

It existed in the front of my mind at every single moment.

She needed me to be her foundation, to keep her world steady and I was doing everything I knew how to do but it still felt like it wasn't enough.

Each day, I would see her get up, make breakfast and get the kids ready for school.

Then she would smile brightly as we headed downstairs in the elevator together, just the four of us on the way to school and work.

She'd kiss me and Izzy before we left, before she took Dani to pre-school.

And then, she'd go back home and clean, or play her piano.

Each afternoon, she'd call me at the same time and we'd have lunch over video, both eating the lunch she'd made us.

And then when I got home, she'd have dinner waiting with the same smile.

There'd be small talk about our days and then the kids would get baths, and story time, sometimes at Quinn's across the hall but most times wrapped up in the recliner with me.

Even though she couldn't pick them up, or get down on the floor with them, Ana was still focused on the kids, and her smile never left for even a second.

At night, as I held her close, she'd tell me about her plans for the next day...grocery shopping with one of her sisters, or wedding planning with Quinn, there was never an empty moment for her to have to think too much but I didn't call her out.

For weeks, she was like a robot wife, but her body could never lie as well as her mouth and face could.

Each night, I'd wait for her to mumble herself to sleep, and then I'd watch as her walls crumbled.

She would cry out in her sleep, her body would shake, and she'd moan...A LOT.

The hardest moments was when she would cry out for her mom or for someone else we'd lost.

And then she'd cling to me for dear life. All I could do was hold her just as tight, so she could feel steady.

Then in the morning, she'd wake up refreshed, and ready to start her day, like the night before hadn't happened.

I knew better than to bring it up.

She was holding herself together with every bit of strength she had, and I couldn't break that.

All I could do was keep right on loving her.

I was in a zone, the morning after Izzy's winter ball.

Ana had been there, smiling and laughing at all of the right moments.

But when the room was dark, and everyone was looking at the stage, I was watching her.

She kept wiping away tears and swallowing hard.

I placed my hand on her knee and she looked up at me, with tears in her eyes, and said one of the only things that she insisted on saying to me constantly.

"I'm sorry."

And I hated hearing it.

But she couldn't help herself.

No amount of therapy, confessionals, or girls' nights with her sisters seemed to help.

All she felt was sorry about what she thought that she did.

I turned my face from her and just squeezed her knee.

Her damp fingers clutched my hand as we watched our son, and I felt numb.

Call it trauma from years of apologies when she cheated, or used drugs...but I HATED when she apologized.

And I needed it to stop but I couldn't make that moment about anyone but Izzy.

So the next morning, after seeing her smile at me while her eyes apologized, I kissed that smile off of her face until she looked goofy.

Good.

That worked.

Izzy filled our ride to school with chatter about his show, while tracing the lines of my palm.

Even though it tickled, I knew that it kept him from worrying about the stranger driving the car, so I bit my lip and nodded along for the twenty-minute ride.

Once I was in the studio, I told Frankie that I needed time to work out a routine and took an empty studio.

I pumped up Adele, turned the lights down low, and began to dance through my frustrations.

We still had a little nugget to think about, and when she slept, I would kiss her belly and talk to it.

I prayed every night for my wife and baby...then I would touch the side that she said was numb and prayed for that piece of us that had gone home to God, something she wouldn't allow while awake.

She barely touched that side of her stomach...it was like it didn't exist for her and if that was what she needed to do in order to cope, I vowed to support her through it but that didn't mean that it didn't get to me.

When they took those eggs out of my body, I was hopped up on so many drugs...that could have been the reason this happened, or maybe Marco was cursed...it could literally be anything but that didn't stop Ana from deciding to carry this on her soul.

And that wasn't something I could trust because the weight of it could break her.

I wanted her to stay sober.

My head was so full as I continued to dance.

Continued to plan...to figure it out...and then I heard arguing.

And then the doors banged open and in came Rachel fucking Berry with cameras behind her.

I grabbed a towel and began mopping my face.

What the hell was she doing?

Santana's POV

I needed structure to stay sober.

And so far, it had been working out.

Smile.

Laugh.

Cook.

Clean.

Shop.

Plan.

Mother.

Wife.

Incubator.

Tomb.

No, thoughts of that.

Smile, Lopez, the world is watching and it wants to see you break.

I had it all written out in my old journal, every day, I tracked my schedule so that there wouldn't be any cracks in my perfect little world.

But I should have known better.

I called B for our daily lunch call, which was more about me needing the accountability of being where I was supposed to be and eating consistently than me wanting to actually talk.

When she answered, she wasn't in the cushy office that she shared with Frankie eating the lunch I made her like she was supposed to be.

Instead, she was outside.

By the water.

Which made me think of sinking into Lake George, which seemed preferable to her breaking my schedule.

"You're outside."

"I needed air."

"B, it's freezing outside."

"I'm from Chicago, Santana." She was annoyed. Had I fucked up? I was going over everything that I could have done wrong but then she rolled her eyes and smiled at me. "Sorry, Ana. You didn't do anything. I just needed to get out of my studio."

"Did something happen? Francis lose her mind again?" I asked, trying to be chill about it but the truth was that I still didn't fully trust Frankie, even if I had invested millions in that studio she'd fucked my wife.

"No, she tried to be my bodyguard today, actually."

"I would pay to see that."

She grinned, "Yeah, well she didn't do a good job because Rachel still pushed her way into my studio with cameras and questions. She wouldn't leave when I asked her to, so I left."

"What did Berry want?"

"Frankie says she's trying to ride my jacket or something...she has a reality show or is making a documentary. I'm not sure what but she was talking about me being half of a lesbian power couple. I reminded her that I'm actually bi but she just waved at me and started talking about my Tony award and how you and Mercedes just got nominated for a Grammy."

"We didn't win." I reminded her.

"Doesn't matter, you were still nominated."

"So she's still there?"

"When I left she was, and I knew you'd be calling soon. I didn't want her to put you on her show."

"Thanks, B."

"I am pretty sure she's going to try to get into our building though, you might want to let the front desk know...and Q."

"Let her come." I sighed. "Maybe she'll be forced to talk about how she has kept Beth from Quinn...even though she likes to put it all on Puck."

"Oh...I didn't think about that."

"She won't take Quinn's calls, and has Puck convinced Quinn would only confuse Beth. He said she has enough moms."

"Gross."

"I know."

Britt sat down on a bench, her cheeks pink and her eyes bright as she watched me eat, "I have a confession." She said, her face got serious and I put down my fork, took a long gulp of my water before looking her in the eyes.

"Okay, confess." I said, still trying to come off lighthearted but I was sure that I was failing.

Just like I failed at everything else in my life.

My fault.

"I forgot my lunch in the cab. Izzy was playing with my hand and talking about his show. I was distracted, my bad."

"You need to eat, B...I mean, I know you didn't mean to leave it but it hurts that you forgot it." I felt my lip tremble and it made me feel annoyed. Fucking hormones. "We have a car sitting in the garage, I don't know why you insist on taking a cab. Why don't you just drive."

She got really red and then dropped her head.

"Because I can't." She mumbled, and maybe I should have pretended not to hear her but I was past games.

"Why not?"

"I got a DUI...and then my license got suspended."

"What?" I felt my body get hot. "When?"

"In L.A., I never bothered fighting to get it back. Then so much time passed."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

She shrugged, and that just made me angrier.

"I don't need to drive. There's a million ways to get around the city."

"You've driven since L.A."

"What?"

"You have driven. I know you have...with me, with the kids...you have driven."

"I know, okay. I was careful."

"I can't believe you were ever so careless. We both can't be reckless, Brittany."

"Okay, you need to relax, Ana...it's okay."

"It's not." I felt like I was losing control of my carefully laid plans. She was looking at me with pity and concern, I couldn't deal with that. So I took a deep breath and put a smile back on my face. "You know what, you're right. It's not an emergency. I'm sorry. Okay, I'm sorry."

That should have been enough but she flinched.

Just like always.

I was sure that she didn't even know that she'd flinch every time I apologized.

Like she was too mad at me to accept that I was sorry.

But what else could I say?

"What are you doing after lunch?" She asked, with a sigh, and I didn't want to bring up the truth. It wouldn't help matters.

"Nothing much, just shopping."

"Again? You went grocery shopping yesterday."

"I know, I forgot some things." I said, looking back at my food, suddenly feeling nauseated.

She nodded, her eyes looking away from me for a second. "Izzy has therapy this afternoon, and Dani has drum circle. Mari is going to pick up Izzy, and Quinn is taking Dani. They'll both be having dinner out...so we can have some time together."

"Um...since when is Daniela in a drum circle?"

"It's been in the plans since last month. Quincy and Dani are both in it."

"Oh. I wish I had known, I already started dinner."

"Can you put it away for tomorrow? I thought I could take you out. We haven't had a date night in forever."

"I don't know, B."

"Ana, please? We need this."

"Where do you want to go?"

"Dinner and a show...my show. You haven't seen it. Frankie can get tickets anytime."

"But...like, I have to wear heels, right? I don't know if I'm up for that." I could see the disappointment on her face as I began to turn her down. A chill went through me, and I softened my smile. She put the phone down so that I was staring up at the grey sky. I could hear her sniffles, and I knew that I couldn't let her down again. "Britt Britt?" I called to her, and she brought herself back into focus. She was definitely crying.

Fuck.

My fault.

"It's fine...you're still healing. I get it...I can't expect you to sit through a three-hour show. That's not fair to you."

"We could have dinner here, just the two of us. We haven't done that either. I could turn on the heaters on the patio so we aren't stuck inside, and we can have this dinner that I've been working on all morning. I'm making pollo guisado."

"Nice!" She smiled through her tears. "We can do that."

"And maybe, after dinner, if we have time...we can do some other things too." I tried to flirt but she didn't bite. I could see her settling for what I wanted in all things except for sex. My hormones were insane and I really wanted her to touch me again.

Dr. Cabot had said we were good to have sex but Britt hadn't wanted to.

And I just smiled through it.

Because this was my fault.

This was my punishment.

"Frankie is calling me. I'll see you tonight."

"Oh okay. I love you, Britt Britt."

"I love you too. Bye." Her voice sounded flat.

My fault.

Brittany's POV

"She's lying to me. Have you seen anything strange?" I asked Quinn after I called Frankie to tell her that I needed to take a few days off.

"Nope. When she's not with me, she's in that apartment."

"She goes shopping every day."

"Britt, I get a chime every time that elevator comes up to our floor. It goes off maybe twice a day and it's usually at the beginning and end of the day."

"Something is off."

"What are you thinking? You sound paranoid."

"Do you remember when she was pregnant with Izzy?"

"Yes I remember and there is no way on Earth that San would do drugs right now."

"She doesn't want this pregnancy anymore, Q. I know it."

"That's not true. She wants this more than anything."

"You haven't had to live with her for the past month, Quinn. It's like living with a robot wife."

"It's not that bad."

"Look, just don't tell her that I'm coming home. Okay."

"Couldn't if I wanted to."

"What's that mean?"

"It means that I just came to your place and she's not here."

"But I just talked to her like twenty minutes ago. She was having lunch."

"Well, she's not here. I just looked in every room and the patio, she's definitely not here."

"I don't like this. We may not make it through this, Q."

"Don't say that."

"We aren't on the same page."

"So what? You can't throw it away."

"I'm not. I just, don't know what to do."

"Just love her."

"That's all I do!"

"What are you doing here, Q?" I heard my wife, and then Q was clearing her throat in that way that annoyed Ana more. "Did you need something?"

"I was looking for you."

"Well here, I am. What do you need?"

"Where were you? Why didn't I hear the elevator?"

"Because I took the stairs."

"Ten flights?"

"What's with the interrogation? Are you on the phone?"

"I'm almost there, Q. Just ask her about Rachel's reality show. Be there soon." I ended the call, hoping that Quinn didn't make this worse.

I jumped out of the cab a block early, to grab flowers and chocolate before heading to our building.

My heart was racing as I entered the lobby and then I stopped short when I saw Marco coming from the stairway.

"What are you doing here?" I called him out in the middle of the lobby and he turned to me, looked me up and down like he used to do when she was still his wife. Then he gave me a soft smile, like the Marco he'd become.

"I was checking in on Santana."

"Santana? Since when do you call her that?"

"You should probably get those flowers in water." He looked uncomfortable, which was so far from the way we'd been lately. I mean, he had been our donor...you don't do that and not form some sort of bond.

"Why are you here, Marco?"

"You're causing a scene and we both know she doesn't like that."

"Bullshit, Santana Lopez loves causing a scene." He chuckled.

"Maybe she used to, but this isn't OUR Santana Lopez. I'm sure you've noticed."

My anger left me. He knew something. I nodded towards one of the alcoves and he followed me over, looking smug.

There's the Marco that never changed.

Maybe he wasn't a fucking rapist anymore but he was still smug when he knew something that other people didn't.

"What do you know? You're not trying to fuck her again, are you?"

He rolled his eyes and laughed in my face.

"God, no. She would NEVER let me go there again. Your wife loves you, Brittany. She's been helping me with Nikolai. It's embarrassing but I can see that you're ready to rage, and I would much rather you be angry with me than her. I asked her not to say anything. I just, need help being human...I'm sure that sounds nuts...right?"

"No. You're a monster, Marco. Maybe you've been domesticated like one of my cats but cats will still eat the face of their dead owner if there's no food around."

His smug look finally fell. Good.

"Touché."

"I don't appreciate you asking my wife to keep things from me. Just because I asked you to be our donor, doesn't mean you have an invitation to be in our lives."

"And I don't want to be but she made a commitment to this little boy. Carmen and Nico, are in prison for a really long time. He needs to not go down the path that I did after I lost my parents. She agrees."

"So where is he now?"

Marco looked past me, towards the pre-school, that was supposed to be exclusive to the residents of OUR building and Marco didn't live there. "She made an exception since he's her godchild."

"Wow."

"Look, I don't want to get in between you two. Believe it or not, I am rooting for you. She's an amazing woman despite all that you and I both have put her through. She is shutting down a part of herself after your loss. I am really sorry for your loss, by the way. She is doing everything by the book as much as she can. I know she could probably use a meeting and some therapy, but otherwise, she's being as much herself as she can be. Go easy on her."

"I don't need your advice."

"You can think that all you want but I was married to her first. We had a lot of bad in our relationship, but the connection, the sex was good. When we were sober, and I wasn't trying to control her, we were happy, Brittany. I know you don't want to hear that and she would probably deny it but I know her. She needs you more than she will ever say. All that lovey-dovey shit, so the flowers and chocolate are a good start."

"Are you done?"

"I am."

"Good. When you talk to her, I need you to tell her not to keep this from me. I'm not bringing it up, I won't fight her on this. You need to make sure that you aren't creating secrets between us. If you want to be cupid, that's how you can do it."

"Done. Now, go put those in water, and love your wife like only you can."

MARCH

Santana's POV

Dear Henry,

I don't know what changed with Brittany but I like it. For the past few weeks, it's like we're really in love again. She's starting to make me feel okay about this loss. I don't know how she did it but I was finally honest with her about helping Marco. He suggested that I should but I felt too deep in it to say anything to her but I gave in. All she did was hug me tighter and tell me how proud she was that I was helping Nikolai. The only thing missing is some good wanky sex. Everything is soft touches and cautious orgasms. I miss the raw version of us. Where is the woman who had me on all fours in our closet, who fucked me while our family was a room away?

Is it too much to ask for? It's a small complaint but I'm working on being honest about everything. I have hinted, and downright suggested but she's scared and I don't blame her. How could I?

On another note, my first single is coming out this week and I'm feeling so scared.

What if they hate me?

What if I lost one of my babies trying to be some superstar and I flop?

Britt has us here in Amy's waiting room, and this is my homework that I forgot to do.

I hope that we can get some things talked out, and maybe even talk about my single? My head has been all over the place but my smile is still bright.

It has to be.

This remaining little soul needs all the good juju that I can give it.

And hopefully, after we leave here, and go see Dr. Cabot for my 26-week check-up, we'll get only good news.

Fingers crossed! I'm trying like hell to manage my expectations but it's becoming increasingly harder.

Gotta go.

-S

I couldn't look at the sonogram, instead, I watched my wife's face while she looked at the screen.

The sound of the heartbeat was strong, and that's all I needed to know.

Britt was biting her lip and trying to smile but I kept seeing her eyes move to the left.

"I'm going to let you get cleaned up and then we can talk. The screen is off Santana." Dr. Cabot said.

I nodded but couldn't look away from Britt.

"Thanks, Doc." Britt said with a shaky voice.

I waited for the door to click closed before reaching a hand out to Britt.

She helped me sit up and then stood between my knees, and cupped my face.

"Don't look at me like I'm going to break, B." I was trying to suppress the tears but she wasn't going to let me.

"You're so brave. I'm so proud of you." She wiped my tears with her thumbs and then kissed me until I moaned. "I could really use some ice cream after this...what do you think?"

"Me too."

"Good. Let's get you dressed and then we'll hear what Doc has to say and then we'll go clean out the ice cream freezers at Stop-n-Shop."

"Sounds like a plan."

Britt helped me get dressed and then would not let my hand go.

It was her new thing, when she could touch me, she would, and it seemed to keep me grounded.

Thank God for her.

Dr. Cabot came in with another doctor, and I felt my skin grow colder.

"What?" I asked and she just nodded to the hallway.

"Let's go to my office."

I dug my nails into Britt's hand and she hissed but didn't pull away, instead, she squeezed back just as tight.

And I think we stayed like that all through our talk.

"I'm suggesting a cesarean at 32 weeks. There are signs that any longer than that and we could lose the remaining baby or you, Santana."

"Okay. Do it."

"Most people want to talk this through." Dr. Cabot looked a little surprised but how could she be. If this meant that I wouldn't have to be a living tomb anymore, then hell fucking yes.

"Ana knows what she wants, doc. I agree with her. If you are saying that this will save Santana and our baby, then do it."

"Will you two be ready? That's only four weeks away. You'll need to make arrangements for the perished fetus."

"I have those ready. I can email them to you." I said, then looked at B, knowing I hadn't gone into this with her. "Quinn helped me figure things out. Is it okay that I did this without you?"

"Yes. Of course, baby. That's fine. I don't think I could have handled that. Thanks for doing it." She leaned in and kissed me.

Relief.

God.

I needed that.

"Okay, then we will schedule you for March 30th."

I nodded and for the first time in months, I touched both sides of my stomach.

We were almost at the finish line, way sooner than I thought.

And I knew that for the next four weeks, I'd be on my knees praying every chance that I got.

Brittany's POV

We hadn't told everyone about the loss.

Just her sisters and my mom.

And we thought that was enough.

But we forgot to tell two very important people.

Our kids.

When we got home and sat them down to tell them the news about Mami having the baby in four more weeks, we were reminded that kids have insanely good memories when they want to.

"Our babies are coming?" Izzy asked as danced excitedly in the space between us. His excitement made Ana flinch.

Dani smiled and touched Ana's belly with two hands, and she flinched again.

They were expecting two babies.

How did we even begin to tell them otherwise?

"I can't do this." Ana said, her smile FINALLY falling.

"I'll do it. Just don't shut down. They need to know how to cope, and they learn how to do that from us."

"Look at them, B. How can we...oh God." She said, her voice sounding so small.

"Why you crying?" Dani asked Ana, taking her hand in her small ones. "You say I'm a big sister. Right? I happy now, Mami. Are you?"

Ana nodded. "Yes, baby girl."

"So why you crying? I not mad no more." Dani said, trying to soothe her Mami.

"What's wrong?" Izzy asked when he realized that things weren't happy, and nobody was dancing with him.

This kid needed to be in my studio pronto.

"Come sit with us, Papa." Ana called to him and he climbed up to sit beside her.

I smiled at him, and then told them the truth.

"Do you monsters remember when Beya died?"

Izzy nodded and Dani curled up next to her Mami with her arms around her belly. "Yes, Mama." She mumbled.

"Well one of the babies went to be with Beya, so we only get to bring one baby home."

Izzy looked at Ana and then at me, and then his face crumpled and he buried his face in his hands.

Dani though didn't cry, instead, she hugged her Mami tighter. "It's okay, it's okay. Beya gets a baby and you get a baby."

Ana lost it then and pulled both kids closer to her.

I sat on the floor looking up at the three of them on the couch, all at different stages of grief, and I just felt so numb.

In my mind, I had grieved our little one already...and I was ready to celebrate the blessing we still had.

Maybe I just had lost too much and could only allow myself to feel the good stuff.

"Britt Britt, let it out. Don't shut down. I'm here." Ana said, in a mirror of my words to her and I saw her bring the kids' hands to that side of her stomach that she never touched, and finally, the numb feeling washed away. I covered their hands with mine, and we all prayed.

And I cried.

So fucking hard.

Crap.

March 30th

The whole family was gathered in the waiting room at 6am, to be there for us, even Mercedes had flown in to be there.

Everyone who loved us was there, except for the kids. We had to keep them in their routines, so Angie flew in to help us for a few weeks.

And Amy, of course, was on stand-by and planned to visit in the afternoon.

For months Ana had been a robot but now, she was calm and settled in what was happening.

"Are you okay?" I asked her when she was waiting to go into the OR.

"Yes, are you?"

"Yes."

"Thank you for everything, B. You've been my rock."

"And you've been mine. You did all of this to give me a little piece of myself. Thank you, baby love."

"Just so you know, I'd do it again and again, B."

"Still?"

"Still. I want to try again."

"Let's get through this day...okay? You don't need to make me any promises right now."

"I promise you anyway, B. We are going to have another baby."

"Ana, don't."

She didn't say another word, just gave me her pinky.

"Seriously, Ana?"

"I have never made it to full term on my own, now it feels like a challenge." She grinned. "And I accept it."

I was in awe of her for the millionth time as I squeezed her pinky with my own.

How was she so amazing?

It was fast.

Our little girl, came out nearly blue but she was breathing.

And that cry put a genuine smile on Ana's face, which brought me to tears.

Then she froze when she felt them moving around still and looked at me with wide eyes, when the room went still.

After they got her all stapled and sown up, we were taken to a recovery room where they brought us this little tiny bundle wrapped in soft blankets.

Ana reached for the bundle like it was all that mattered in her life.

We got to hold our itty bitty one, and she made a sign of the cross over it.

Once the baby was gone, we held each other through sobs for a few minutes, and then we prayed again.

"Father God, you give and you take...thank you for saving us...and our little girl."

After we were settled, we were ready to meet our miracle baby, it was all so bittersweet.

When we got to see our little girl for the first time, Ana grinned so wide with tears flowing easily down her cheeks.

"She looks like you." She whispered.

"How can you tell? I mean, she's just a baby."

"Because she does."

"Which name do we give her?" I asked because we had names for both girls.

Brooklyn or Briana didn't fit so I wasn't sure which we'd used and I hadn't had the nerve able to ask her this whole time.

"Neither, B. She needs to be her own person."

"Milagros?" I asked her and she scrunched up her nose.

"There was a girl with that name in school, everyone always called her Millie's gross."

"Were you everyone?" I teased, knowing my wife way too well.

"Maybe."

"She feels like a blessing though."

"Then we give her the name that I would have given Isaac if he was a girl."

"What's that?"

"Gia. It means God is gracious, and in this situation, he definitely was."

"I like that."

"Good...now can you get Dr. Cabot...I'm feeling really nauseous. I need a full..." And then Ana closed her eyes and went limp.

My heart clenched but the monitors were all normal, and she began to snore.

I looked in the incubator at our little girl who was hooked up to wires, just like Izzy and Dani before her.

We'd been through this, the loss was an unknown but the NICU, and a baby that still needed some care was normal for us.

This we knew how to do.

"Well, little Gia, Mami's asleep so you should be getting back to the doctors so they can make you nice and strong. We have to get you big enough so that you can come home. You have a BIG family that is excited to meet you."

Dr. Cabot was standing in the hall talking to Mari and Saul. They'd all been crying but they smiled when they saw us.

"Is this little miss ready to go back already?" Dr. Cabot asked.

"Ana's asleep, I think I should rest too, for a little bit. Ana was asking for a full check-up and then passed out."

"I'll check in on her. One of the nurses can take the baby to the nursery. Your family is looking for an update."

"Right." I looked at our little girl, "Mami and Mama love you, Gia." I said before a nurse wheeled her back down the hall.

Mari opened her arms and I collapsed into them feeling so relieved to have someone be with me at that moment.

I cried so hard against her, feeling both sad and happy, it was so much to process which is why I was so glad that Mari just held me tight while Saul rubbed my back. I'd been strong for Ana, and our family had been strong for me.

With them having our backs, I knew that we would get through this because all the love that surrounded us would hold us up.

Thank God for it.