A/N: Chapter 60 is coming up shortly, like tomorrow, shortly; I may not finish this story before the new year, but you probably figured that out already. ;) The end is (still) nigh...Stay safe out there, loves.-NR

crushcrushcrush (Paramore)

THE DURING

Brittany's POV

I was hysterical when we got to the old apartments. I could see the flames reaching high above McKinley on my right and the collapsed apartment building on my left.

Walker was bleeding from her head, but she had this look of crazy determination on her face as she was calling out the names of her tenants.

Every time she heard a noise she began digging.

Celia and I jumped out of the car and began helping her while Quinn sat with the kids.

We were helping out a little girl from under a door, which saved her life, when the sirens finally got there.

The moment the cops and firefighters were there, we were all pushed back into the street.

How Celia had gotten Walker to answer her phone when she was busy being Wonder Woman, I had no idea, but I was glad she did.

Once Walker was away from the building, she began to look pale.

"You need to get to the hospital." Celia said, looking back at the partially collapsed building behind us. "A hospital that's not in this town."

"Wait...you need...to um...Motta. He came by the Lima Bean looking for Santana a few hours ago. Said he heard something was coming, wanted to warn her. I got most people to leave earlier but two families...um...they wouldn't go. There should be six. Little Daisy is all we found."

"They're looking for the rest." Celia said and Walker nodded.

"You gotta get her out of here. Where is she?" Now Walker was walking, bloodied towards the car. I looked that way and Dani's big hazel eyes were staring straight at us. I grabbed onto Walker and pulled her back. "Brittany, I need to tell her."

"She's not here."

Walker's face crumbled.

"No...is she? Did they get her? Brittany?"

"She ran. After the house exploded she ran, she's safe."

"Oh, thank Jesus! Okay, alright...um...wow my head hurts...um...Motta, he left a number for help. Says call it if there's an emergency." She dug through her pockets until she finally pulled out a crumpled receipt. "I already called him...said he'd be here to help."

Then once her message was delivered, Walker's eyes rolled up and she began to fall.

I dove and caught her before she cracked her head on the sidewalk.

Everything was on fire.

People were dying or dead.

And my wife was out in the world, running away.

I was happy she was safe, but mad that she had left me and the kids.

And I was mad at myself for being mad at her.

She was probably thinking it was noble to not be close to us when they finally got her, but I didn't agree.

The last thing she needed was to be alone.

We stood to the side while the paramedics got Walker loaded in an ambulance.

"You're dead." I heard Celia say from beside me, and I turned to see what she meant.

And I wish I hadn't.

Sugar.

Alive, and staring at me in the face with her own eyeballs.

"Hi...where's Santana?" She said, her eyes never leaving mine.

First of all, how the fuck was she alive?

Second, why was she acting like it was old news?

Did Ana know?

There's no way...her last relapse was centered around the fact that Sugar was dead.

And she'd found her that way.

Now she was standing there.

"Not with us." Celia said, while I stood there staring at a ghost.

"I can explain on the way. We don't have much time, get the kids out of the car and meet me up the road. Black van."

She nodded at us and began to walk down the street like nothing.

"Am I hallucinating?" I finally asked Celia.

"Nope. That bitch is alive."

"Does...Ana...has she been lying to me?" I whispered more to myself than anyone.

"No. There's no way my sister knows. She couldn't keep a secret that big."

And I laughed.

God, did her sisters know her at all?

"She can and she has. Trust me."

"Like I said, Britt, she doesn't know."

I didn't believe that for a fucking second, but I wasn't going to ignore a gift.

So, I did what Sugar said and I unpacked the car.

Dani clung to me as she cried softly for Ana against my shoulder.

"Where's Mami?"

"You'll see her soon."

"Is she dead?"

"No. Don't think like that."

"Why she leave us, Mama?"

"I don't know."

It hurt to not have the answers that our daughter needed but I couldn't lie.

Quinn had Gia in the carrier strapped to her chest and had Izzy's hand.

"I think your kids like me better than either of mine do." Q said then nodded towards Celia who had Quincy on her shoulders while she pulled a suitcase.

"I've been there." I muttered.

"Hey are you okay?"

"Sugar's alive." I said and Quinn just stared ahead.

"I saw that. I wonder if San knew."

"That's what I said but Celia insisted that Ana doesn't know."

"Yeah well, she's never had to deal with all the secrets like you and I have."

"Thank you for making me feel not crazy."

"Anytime, B."

I sat upfront with Sugar while she drove the van, and I couldn't stop staring at her.

Even though her hair was dyed different, and she had a nose ring now, there was no denying that she was sitting there with her nails done, popping her gum just like in high school.

"How?" I finally asked.

"Next question." She said, without even flinching.

"Does Ana know."

"No. This is the first time that I've been outside with anyone that wasn't family."

I felt relief.

She hadn't lied to me.

"She relapsed after you died. Then she fucked Nico."

This time Sugar flinched.

"I'm sorry about Nico...as far as the drugs...she had already relapsed. I was trying to get her off them, but things got dangerous. I had to die."

"Couldn't you have warned us."

"No."

"Did you help get Carmen locked up?"

"Yep. Sure did, and she deserved it. If you only knew the things she's done."

"It can't be any worse than what you've done."

"She set Santana up. That day that Mr. Evans nearly raped her, Nico and Carmen were trying to get her tossed. Your wife is like a prized cow. A lot of people would pay serious money for her."

"Then why are they trying to kill her?"

"Are they? Is she dead now?"

"No...but she almost was."

"Nothing is what it seems, Brittany. She may not be spreading her legs anymore, or doing drugs but trust me, Santana is very much still a part of the game."

"What does that mean?"

Sugar smirked and then shook her head.

"You don't think it's odd just how close she is to Marco? How about the way he can hug her now? Or how about the way that she left you during her pregnancy."

"She didn't leave me, and they are friends now. They have been taking care of Nikolai together."

"And each other." She muttered. Looking pissed.

"Wait...are you saying...no. I don't believe you."

"You do believe me. I mean, she was already carrying a baby with his DNA, it's not like she'd get pregnant. He needed some, and from what I've heard your hormones aren't what they used to be. She's a good lay, we both know that."

"I swear if my babies weren't in the back...I'd crash this car." I growled.

"You wouldn't. I'm not Santana, you don't scare me." She was glaring at the road, and then just as quickly, she was smiling. "And that's why you couldn't know the plan."

"What?" Now I was crazy confused.

"You're gullible, Brittany. How the fuck would I know if they were having sex again? I have been in a fucking fortress in the backwoods of Ohio. The only reason I was allowed to escort you was because my father wanted me gone before the feds showed up. I have no idea what Santana has gotten into or who's gotten into her." She chuckled but I didn't find shit funny.

"You were lying?"

"Maybe." She shrugged.

"Okay, you're still a jerk."

"Jerk or not, you need to keep your eyes open. Santana has a lot of enemies now that Marco has threatened people's money. My father is invested in her. For the last five years, he's been moving money through one of her businesses."

"Are you lying again?"

"No. It was low risk, the Rage Cage wasn't on anyone's radar. Always low amounts, nothing to tip of the feds...now it's gone and that was an act of war."

"My head hurts."

"How about some music?"

"Please?"

I didn't know what to believe anymore.

Who could I trust?

All I wanted was my wife.

Then, like magic, her voice was playing over the speaker.

She was singing a song I'd never heard.

"What is this?"

"Last night, her first single dropped. I got a plug to release the rest of the album to me. I've been listening ever since."

"She didn't tell me."

"My guess is that she was a little busy."

I was close to tears, and then Quinn's head popped between the seats.

"Listen up, cupcake, I know you've been bored in your little castle prison, but the old mandate still stands. You can mess with anyone you want but Brittany is off limits."

"I can handle her, Q." I muttered.

"No. You can't, she's a vicious little shit and she needs to be reminded that mob or not, Santana will put her in the fucking ground for real if she messes with what's hers."

I turned to look at Quinn because I was in disbelief.

And then Sugar took the words right out of my head.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you fuck Santana in the same bed that she sleeps in with Brittany?"

"That's enough, Sugar. Please." Celia called from somewhere in the back. "We've all had a hard few nights. Turn up the music and shut up, please."

And somehow, Sugar seemed to get the message, regardless of what Ana did or didn't do, it wasn't her place to stir shit up.

It seemed like an eternity, but we finally stopped in a dark parking lot, sometime before sunrise.

Sugar put the car in park and then turned to me.

"I'm sorry about what I said."

I looked straight ahead at the woods that surrounded the parking lot.

In movies, it would be the kind of place that you're taken to be murdered but I had to believe that Sugar wouldn't have driven us so far from Lima, only to kill us.

"Why'd you say it?"

She turned towards the backseat.

"Would you mind getting the kids up, your ride should be here any minute. I'd like to talk to Brittany in private."

Quinn immediately tensed up, "Why? I remember what happened the last time you pulled someone out of a car that I was in."

Sugar looked confused and then she nodded, "Right, I forgot about that night. Look, what I want to say isn't for little kids ears. Earlier they were asleep. I swear on my son, that I won't hurt Brittany."

"Son?" Now I was confused.

"Carmen had Nikolai when we were married, I signed his birth certificate. I have parental rights, he is my son and soon enough, he will be home with me, right where he belongs."

Red flags started waving in my head.

Sugar had something to gain by taking Marco and Ana out as potential second parents for Nikolai, but would she go to that extreme?

I trusted absolutely no one at that point.

"Take care of the kids, I'll step outside with them." Celia said to Quinn with that same look in her eyes that Ana had when she had that gun.

It was that untouchable look.

And I knew right away that she had found a way to get that gun...had it been when we packed up to leave the house?

Would Ana have been protected without it?

The list of questions were piling up in my mind, and I was so glad to have Celia and Quinn to keep me from losing my mind.

Especially since I hadn't taken my meds.

How long before I was no longer tame?

Sugar got out of the car and waited for me and Celia, with her hands shoved in her pockets.

There wasn't any cockiness in her eyes, she just looked tired.

"I want to see your hands at all times." Celia said to her, and Sugar nodded, taking her hands and folding them in front of her. "Good. You can talk now."

Celia had eyes only for Sugar as she kept a hand tucked in her jacket.

"I've heard things about the two of them. That's the honest truth, I don't know if she acted on anything, but I do know that she has needs. She'll joke about it but when she was in Lima, on her knees between my legs every moment that she got...I could see that hunger in her. I don't care how much you grow, that doesn't go away. She has to put her addictive tendencies somewhere. From what I've heard she's been spending more time with him, and Nikolai. Marco's all about redemption these days. So, when she visits him in that same apartment that he pimped her out in...I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't trying to make it up to her."

"Why do you care so much about how I please my wife?"

"Because, you always picks you. I don't understand it, I don't really like it...but you are her person. There are a lot of people that want to take her from you. If you aren't stepping up, she'll find someone who will."

"Again, why do you care?"

"I love her, and I want her to be happy. My kill order was on him, not her. I don't know how she got wrapped in it...my guess is that it was Carmen. She knew that my father was trying to take out Marco so he could get Nikolai, and in true Carmen fashion, she decided to take out the person who has helped him secure his empire. Even though she was married to Nico, she doesn't want Nikolai near our lifestyle. With Marco, he was safe...ironically. She knows how Santana deals when the right person is in front of her."

"She'd kill a whole town just to keep you guys from Nikolai?"

"There's nothing Carmen wouldn't do to get what she wants and what she wants is for Marco to have him. The way I see it, you need to take Santana, and go be boring somewhere off the radar. Keep her away from Nikolai, and Marco. If you do that, then she will truly be out of the game. If you do that, I will make sure that our family severs ties with her all of her business...including Uncle Sal."

"Sal is your uncle?"

"Yes...he's been laundering money for the Lopez family since before any of us were born. This is your only chance, I'm going ghost again after this. Take it from me, life is way more peaceful when no one is looking for you."

Celia turned to Sugar, her face twisted up in fear.

"Does my sister know that? We all use Sal, how tied up is our money?"

Sugar shrugged and looked at Celia's hand, then back up at her.

"Let's just say that if the Motta's go down, the López's aren't far behind."

Celia looked at me then. "Take the deal. Get my sister away from all this shit, Brittany."

"I couldn't even get her to leave the house, what makes you think that I can convince her to leave everything she knows behind? She still wants a music career, and I just go offered another job on Broadway."

A car pulled up then, a church van following it, and then what looked like a party bus.

"Looks like our rides are here. What's your decision?"

When I first saw her uncle carry her from the church van, her body limp, I thought she was dead.

I pulled the kids close so that they didn't see but then he was calling me.

"They had to sedate her, she'll be okay in the morning. You can pack the kids into the bus. We're not far."

That was all I got as an explanation, but he was family, so I lugged our stuff from the van to the bus.

By the time we were done, the car and Sugar had disappeared into the night, and I didn't have the time or energy to focus on that because my wife was finally in my eyesight.

Ana's face was bandaged but otherwise she looked well taken care of.

She was wearing too small clothes and giant shoes, as her head rested against the long bench in the back.

Izzy took one look at her face and then moved over to where Quinn was setting up Quincy.

"Mami's hurt." Dani said to me, as we got close to her.

"I know, the big boom hurt her but she's ok."

Dani climbed up onto the bench and curled up against Ana.

Even in her sleep, her instincts kicked in, because she wrapped her arm around Dani and pulled her closer without opening her eyes.

Gia was staring up at me from her carrier with glazed eyes as she sucked on her fist.

We didn't have any milk with us, she'd drank what we managed to take from the house and here was her milk factory, passed out.

"What did they give her? Is it safe for the baby to nurse?" I asked Tío Gene, and he nodded.

"Just a few Melatonin, but she was so exhausted that it knocked her out like something stronger."

I knelt in front of the bench, and kissed Ana's face.

She smirked and then snored loud.

I hummed softly as I lifted up her shirt and laid the baby against her chest.

Gia latched on to her and Ana sighed, I knew that holding all the milk was probably hurting her.

So that's how we rode to the bunker, me on my knees holding the baby while she ate from her sleeping mother while everyone else stared off or slept.

I couldn't let myself be tired.

There was too much to think and do.

Sugar's offer seemed sweeter with every moment.

A life away from it all.

Just us.

That was what Lima was supposed to be...but now we'd have to go somewhere new.

I just hoped that she wouldn't fight me on it.

Once Ana was awake the next day, Celia was anxious to tell her everything about Sugar and the deal that we made.

She also wanted to interrogate her about the family money that was tied up in illegal deals, but I put my foot down.

Either she let me do things or I would take my kids far away and she could be there to handle the aftermath with Ana.

I was already at the end of my rope after I came home to her being a whole mobster, but now things were a billion times worse.

Celia was ready for me to go away with the kids, but Quinn had my back, they'd just reconnected, and she didn't want that ruined by Celia's curiosity.

She told Celia that it was time to go, and thankfully she listened.

It was their plan to also go off the radar for a bit, Quinn would settle in at Yale for medical school and Celia would be home with Quincy.

So, with Ana awake, and seeming dazed we tried to keep things light for the kids.

A cake and the few gifts that we'd managed to save from the house, were the remedy.

We sat around a metal table with Tío Gene, a store bought cake, and a few gifts singing Happy Birthday to Ana and Quincy.

For the kids, it was an adventure, but my wife looked so close to breaking, and I knew that I wasn't too far behind.

But I held it together until Tío Gene helped Celia and Quinn escape into the night after they said their goodbyes.

I sat there staring at the door once it was just our little family of five, feeling all the jealousy move through my body.

My body had been in constant motion, but I felt stiff, and HOT.

Without my meds, it was easier for me to feel jealous about how easy Celia and Quinn could fall into a new life.

But Ana looked like she was on the verge of disappearing back into herself like before, and I couldn't let that happen.

So, I swallowed how I felt as much as I could and stayed upbeat.

Everything for those first few days became about the kids.

Tío Gene gave us a pantry full of snacks, and two whole shelves full of movies.

When the kids weren't on their tablets, we camped in front of the television.

They hadn't had so much screen time in their little lives, but this wasn't a normal time.

It was like we were on an endless timeout, and all we could do was just fill the day until it was time to go to bed.

For five days, we stayed busy.

And I just kept smiling for the kids without asking Ana a single question about what Sugar had said even though it was burning me up inside.

I couldn't put my fears on Ana, because I could see it in the way that she anxiously moved about the bunker, waiting for some kind of news and anything I hit her with would make her pull away from me.

I was sure of it.

So, I pushed it all down...deep...deep down.

But that didn't mean that I wasn't watching her every move because I was, Sugar had made me paranoid.

I hated feeling that way but without answers, I had no choice.

Without my meds, there wasn't a suppression of my mind...or my focus.

I couldn't stop watching her.

At first, it was for signs of withdrawal, because Gia passed out a little too well after she'd nursed on that bus but there was nothing.

She hadn't gotten high, Tío Gene wasn't shy about making sure she was clean.

And she had just rolled her eyes and peed in a cup without a single look of shame.

But what about Marco...had she let him make up all the bad he'd done to her?

If she had, how?

Was everything Sugar said true...or some of it?

And why wasn't she asking for sex?

Where were her needs?

In all of my paranoia, I think I forgot that she knew me better than I thought she did.

We were in the bunker for a week when she cornered me during my shower.

I had my back to the room, and out of nowhere her arms were around me.

"What are you doing?" I asked her.

"You've been thinking a lot, Britt Britt. It's like you have a million things you want to say but you just laugh instead, but I can see how hollow you are. Please talk to me."

I turned and looked down at those beautiful brown eyes.

"Your face is healing really well." I said, taking a moment to lightly touch the burns on her cheek and ear.

"It's ugly...I'm so getting a mommy refresh after we bust out of this place."

"I love you just the way you are, Ana banana."

"That's great B...but I need to love myself. Right now, I'm covered in scars and burns. I can barely look at myself in the mirror."

"Well, you should, I can't stop looking at you."

"And that's what I wanted to talk about. Why do you have that look like you're trying to figure me out? If you want to know something, just ask me."

I gently pulled her arms from around me and took a step back.

She looked hurt for only a split second before she looked annoyed.

"Why'd you pull away?"

"Let's talk about this later, we have nothing but time in this place. Right now, I just need to breathe."

"Why do you need to breathe?"

"Uh, to live? I don't have my meds, Santana. I need to do other things to get my head straight."

"Santana?" She squeaked. "At first I thought you were being spacey, but you just used my full name. How mad at me are you? Are you finally blaming me for everything? Is it because the world fell apart just hours after you got home? Or..." She stepped closer until I had nowhere to go as my back pressed against the wall. She had me cornered, and while I was taller, her presence was as always, bigger. My skin burned as her eyes searched mine. "Did someone say something? You never did say how you got here...other than Walker setting it up but she's in the hospital, so who brought you here?"

"Please back up." I begged. "You're making me uncomfortable."

"Why won't you talk to me?"

"I told you that I would. Just not now. You're just too close, please just back off."

"Wow. Well fuck you very much. I'll be in the room with the kids, you take all the fucking space that you need."

I gripped her wrist before she could storm off because I just didn't have the energy for her to shut me out.

She glared at me and tried to tug her hand away, but I held tighter just enough for her to feel it.

And when the pain hit, the look in her eyes changed back to hurt.

Good.

I needed her to remember what that felt like coming from me.

For just a moment, I held her wrist tight and then I loosened my hold on her.

"Please, just let me have a moment. I want to say so much to you, there was already stuff to talk about when I got home but now there's so much more to figure out. I'm sorry if it hurts your feelings but honestly, that's all I want to hurt...nothing more."

Her whole attitude changed as she pulled her hand away and examined her wrist.

"Fine. I will let you have some space, just promise me that as soon as you're ready, that we talk."

Her hand shook when she held up her pinky, but I took it without commenting.

We were both feeling out of sorts, right then, all the rules were out the window.

It was all about surviving.

And planning our next steps, no matter what that meant, we had to do it together for our kids.