Surprise! I'm back! :)

Gosh it truly makes my heart so happy to have an update for you all, I've missed this so much!

I'm sorry it has taken me so long to get a chapter up. Not only have I had the worst case of writer's block with this story, but I have been so, so swapped with school and work. Midterms week just finished up, and I feel like I can finally breathe again! If any of you read the newest chapter of Serenity that I posted last night (which you should go check out ;)) then you'll know that I didn't plan to have a chapter up this soon. But honestly, I think a break from writing was good for me, because I came back to this story and wrote a little over three thousand words in a day!

And while it isn't the best chapter, it is an emotional chapter; as well as sort of a filler!

But anyways, I've missed you guys so much. Thanks for being patience with me as always, I adore you.

I know you've waited a month, and I hope it lives up to your expectations :)

Ally

Austin's arms held me tight, his hands clasping my own between my breasts. The slow rise and fall his chest against my back serving as a guide as I fought to gain control of my own breathing. His lips were close to my ear, and with each exhale, goosebumps rose despite my state, my body relaxing into his hold.

And that was how we stayed until my tears were gone and my inhales were steady.

My mind began to clear, and now, my body was highly aware of this man's hold on me. Beneath me, his legs were crossed and held my weight with ease, and I squirmed as embarrassment began flooding through me, causing his grip to tighten marginally. And a jolt resembling electricity shot straight from my lower abdomen and up into my chest.

I tucked my chin, swallowing as I stared at his large hands enclosing mine, only now noticing the dried blood followed by an ache from my knuckles.

I sighed deeply, pulling my hands from Austin's as I studied them, not bothering to remove myself from his lap. Disappointment began to settle in as a soft curse slipped from my lips, clenching and unclenching my fists.

Austin mirrored my sigh as he looked over my shoulder, pulling back and resting his hands on my upper arms. He slipped from beneath me, pulling me up with him before guiding me towards his office without another word.

Thoughts began whirling through my head, and the embarrassment from a second ago returned with a force stronger than before. I fought to push it away as Austin guided me to sit on his desk before turning an opening a drawer, pulling out a first aid kit. I ducked my head, feeling heat slide up my neck.

I watched silently as he carefully unwrapped my hands, wincing as the fabric pulled against my busted joints due to the sticky, drying blood.

"You should have put on gloves," he grumbled, and my gaze shot up. His eyes narrowed in on my hands as he dabbed at each knuckle with an antiseptic. But when they shot up to find mine, I lost every ounce of oxygen filling my lungs with a shift exhale.

Those forest-colored eyes were dark and questioning while searching my features, full of intent and determination for answers that I didn't know if I could give him. Although I kind of did just sit and bawl in his lap in the middle of his place of work – I guess he had every right to demand them.

"Out of all the questions I'm sure you have, that's the first thing you say." My words were soft, but stronger than I expected, and that earned me a halfhearted smirk.

The tension in his body seemed to ease and he nodded his head, raising his brow unapologetically. With a roll of my eyes, I released a deep sigh before shrugging my shoulders. "I thought wrapping them would be good enough," I whispered, slightly ashamed of myself.

Austin dropped my hand, grabbing my chin and forcing me to look up at him. "Always put on gloves if you come in here pissed off, do you understand?" His voice stricter than I had ever heard, leaving no room for argument. And for the first time, I didn't want too. I swallowed, shivering at the intensity of his order, and when I didn't make a sound, he pulled my face closer, only by a centimeter. And that was enough for his breath to wash across my nose, a mixture of wintergreen and something else I couldn't put my finger on.

I nodded as best I could with my jaw trapped firmly between his fingers, my eyes scanning his face, taking in every detail of his severe features.

Most of the time his face remained neutral, never giving too much of himself or his thoughts away; lips always pursed, eyes always bored. Although, there were rare occasions that I had seen a smile slip, and it was the friendliest, most inviting thing I had ever seen. But, when those lips fell into a thin line accompanied by stormy eyes, his grim features were enough to make his strongest opponent tremble.

And this had been the first time I had been on the other side of it.

Austin blinked, and the darkness that was there disappeared. Releasing my chin, he turned his attention back towards my knuckles as I watched him silently, mentally urging him to reconnect our eyes. But all I could see were his eyelashes brushing his cheek with each blink.

It was all I could do to keep my composure; to study him in that moment. And I wondered for the first-time what demons laid beneath his surface, because from what I had just witnessed, Austin Moon hid them much better than I did my own.

"They aren't too bad," he informed, dropping the wipe and bringing them closer to his face. I looked, noticing that bruising began to take place around the opened wounds. "Whenever you get home, I want you to ice them. We won't be punching anything Monday."

"Bummer," I murmured.

Austin let out a soft sigh, dropping our hands into my lap, his fingers sliding against my own. His eyes searched mine the way I had wanted to search his moments ago, and I shrunk, finding interest in his palms against mine. Mine were half the size of his, and as I slid my palms back, I felt callouses beneath the pads of my fingers – I traced each indention.

"Ally."

My skin prickled.

"He done drugs."

Austin's face was solemn when I brought my eyes up to meet his, and I felt his thumbs caress the back of my hand.

"How could he do that," I whispered, a stray tear falling down my cheek. "He got behind the wheel knowing the consequences," I breathed, looking down at Austin's chest. "Because of his actions, he isn't here with me."

Austin chest rose with a deep breath.

"And I told him to go that night." I admitted, looking up at Austin, and as soon as the words were out of my mouth, he began shaking his head – I kept talking. "He offered to stay with me that night, but I needed to study for a fucking SAT I never took."

Austin brought his hands up to cup my cheeks, bringing his head down to level his eyes with mine. "Don't do that," he ordered softly. "Nothing you could have done would have changed the outcome, Ally. It isn't your fault. Dallas made that choice, not you."

I felt my bottom lip quiver, my eyes flickering between Austin's as I felt tears falling freely down my cheeks again, Austin wiping them away gently.

"I never thought he would," my voice caught, and all I could do was look at Austin with tear filled eyes, my shoulders slumping as I felt completely and utterly hopeless. My chest felt heavy with a grief that reviled the day I got the call, and just when I thought I would never find myself here again, life had a different plan.

His eyes softened as he sighed, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear.

"He called saying he was sorry, and he sounded so normal. I never would've thought," I whimpered, the words barely forming, but Austin heard them. With furrowed brows, he silently urged me to continue. "That night, he called me a little after midnight, and I missed it. He left a voicemail." I took a breath, forcing composure as my breaths began to pick up. "He told me that he loved me, that I was his entire world before saying he was sorry, and that he had something to tell me."

I averted my eyes over Austin's shoulder, locking my gaze on the ticking clock I couldn't read in the dark.

"And then I heard the crash."

Austin straightened, his hands that had moved to my shoulders tightening and I looked at him, tonguing my cheek. His eyes were wide, full of surprise mixed with awe as he stared at me before it crumbled as painful realization fell over his features.

"Fuck, Ally," he rasped.

"And the next morning, I was awoken to two phone calls –," I placed a hand against my chest as I struggled against an inhale. "One from Dallas and one from his sister." I closed my eyes, the entire scene from that morning playing out like a high budget film. "Each one had a voicemail attached to it, and I listened to Dallas's first."

I sniffed. "I didn't even have to listen to Dani's voicemail to know."

I bent forward, dropping my forehead onto Austin's chest as a blanket of exhaustion covered me. Austin brought a hand up to cup the back of my neck as I felt him drag deep breathes into his lungs – I had caught him off guard.

"What am I supposed to do now?"

His hands found the sides of my head, tucking strands of hair behind my ears before pulling me from him. "You keeping going," he said firmly, but his thumbs moved in gentle caresses against my temple. "You figure it out, you come to terms with it, and you keeping living, Ally."

I let out a pathic scoff, "Yeah, like I was doing such a great job of that before."

"If only you could see yourself through the eyes of other's," he whispered, his forehead only inches from mine. And within the next breath, my forehead was resting against his, our breaths mingling together in the small space between us.

"I just want to go a day without hurting."

The words escaped on a whimper. And for the first time in two years, I was finally able to find the words to pinpoint exactly how I felt – an aching desperation to feel anything other than guilt and grief. "I just want the pain to stop. I don't want to feel like this anymore."

Austin sighed, pulling me into his chest, and I sunk into the comfort. The security of his arms wrapping around me, creating a sense of stability to keep me from falling, stumbling back into the only way I knew how to deal before him. And I wasn't sure how long I allowed him to hold me, but I knew when I finally pulled back, that my eyes were dry and the anger that had been boiling had dulled to a simmer.

That was until I closed my eyes and images of that night flashed through my mind. And the anger returned so quickly it took my breath away. My eyes flew open, and I pulled back, wiping my eyes as I took in a hollow breath.

Austin stared at me, studying me with weary eyes. I could see he was at a loss; that this wasn't common ground for him, but the fact that he was trying was more than I could ever ask for.

After a few seconds of studying me, he gave me a mix between a soft, yet grim, smile. Reaching up, he thumbed my cheek before carefully pulling me to my feet. I wobbled for a moment before he righted me by cupping my shoulders.

"Come on, let's get you home."

I nodded, letting him lead me out of his office and out of the door towards the stairway. Everything was dark, the gym completely empty and I looked down at the watch on my wrist to see it was a quarter past midnight.

Goodness, I had been here for over two hours.

I watched Austin turn off the heater before punching something in on the computer screen. Once he grabbed the keys and turned off the desktop, he made his way over to me.

"Did you walk here," he asked, pulling on his coat and I shook my head.

"No, my car is right there." I pointed out the glass window towards my light grey Sentra that was nearly seven years old.

Austin eyed the car for a moment before nodding once. "Yeah, that fits you."

A halfhearted chuckle escaped me, and I looked up at him, stepping forward, nearly chest to chest. I gave him a soft smile, swallowing another knot that began forming in my throat. "Thank you," I whispered, voice barely above a whisper as I let my gaze fall to his hoodie clad chest.

His hand came up, tilting my chin to look at him. "I'm glad you came here tonight." His voice was soft, the gentlest I had ever heard. His face was almost as close as it had been when he had been scolding me about my knuckles, and I felt his breath fan across my lips.

Chills covered my skin as my eyes darted between his.

Nothing was said for a moment – it was just the two of us, standing in the entrance of the gym only inches from one another; his calloused fingers moving to graze the underside of my jaw.

I wasn't sure what had shifted, but the moment that Austin's eyes flickered downward, that same jolt of electricity from before returned, only more powerful. And the feeling took my breath away.

I opened my mouth on shaky inhale, and that single action caused Austin's eyes to meet mine once again. His mouth falling into that signature line with the slightest tilt at the corner. Dropping his hand, he took a step back, and I shivered, fighting against the urge to fall back into his embrace.

"You ready," he asked, and I nodded, stepping aside and opening the door.

I was surprised to find that the frigid air didn't faze me the moment I stepped on the sidewalk, turning to watch Austin lock the door. And when he straightened, he walked towards me, gesturing towards my vehicle.

Once we reached it, Austin grabbed the handle, opening the door for me and I slid into the passenger seat. I cranked the car as he closed the door, and I rolled down the window just as the chilled air from the vents hit my face.

"Go home and get some sleep," he ordered, "you look like shit."

A surprised laugh escaped me as I stared at him in disbelief. "I supposed you've reached your limit for niceties." I watched as a genuine smile crossed his face, and he tapped the side of my car, stepping back onto the curb.

Then the smile slipped, and he was all business again. "Seriously, go get some rest. I'll see you on Monday."

I loved how it wasn't a question, and I couldn't help myself from tossing out a "maybe."

When he glared, I smiled. "Yes, you'll see me Monday."

He nodded, tapping my car once again before gesturing for me to roll my window up. And I gave him one last smile as I pulled from the curb and headed towards my apartment.

Despite Austin's order, I hadn't rested much at all.

My mind had plagued me with nightmares each time I had managed to doze off. Each one had been different; some had been of Dallas at Max's party while some had been of his voicemail, admitting he used before the sound of the crash had me waking with screaming sobs.

But unlike the first go around, my parents hadn't been here to calm me down – I was on my own.

It had been nearly six in the morning before I had finally been able to sleep for more than an hour without a single nightmare. But I had been jolted awake only three hours later to the sound of my phone ringing loudly, Trish's name flashing across the screen.

Much to my body's disagreement, I had answered. Only to pull the phone away as Trish began yelling at me, asking me where the hell I was. I had only gotten the words "my apartment" out before the dial tone filled my ear, and I knew then I had about ten minutes before Trish would be pounding at my door.

Which would be right about now.

On cue, the door opened, and I knew I was in trouble – she had used her key.

"What the hell, Ally," she exclaimed, slamming the door and making her way towards me. "Why are you here and not at your parents? And why did your mother call me in tears this morning asking if you had made it home last night?"

I sighed, looking down at my phone to see multiple texts and calls from my parents that were timed stamped from yesterday evening. When leaving their place, I had turned off my phone before turning it back on only to charge it. This morning, Trish must have called me more than twice for it to come through 'my do not disturb' setting.

"Trish," I claimed softly, rubbing my temples, but she carried on, speaking over me.

"Can you tell me what the hell happened to make you walk out on your parents and not take their messages and calls. Even your dad sounded upse –,"

"Stop!"

My voice echoed off my walls as I stared at my best friend. Her head snapped back a little, eyes wide as she stared at me as if I had two heads. I ran a hand through my hair, fingers getting caught in the tangles, and I winched at the ache in my knuckles.

"I love you, Trish, but you have no right to come into my apartment demanding answers," I snapped, feeling the last of my patience's snap. "If you would like to sit down, then I'll explain."

We glared at one another, and my shoulders straightened. I was so fucking sick of being treated like I was incapable of taking care of myself. I knew that all of them meant well, I really did, but I felt as if the last thing I could handle today was Trish demanding answers at a rapid speed.

Trish broke first, and she sighed before nodding with only a hint of attitude. "You are right," she said begrudgingly. Her eyes danced over me, and whatever she saw had her brows furrowing in concern. "What's going on, Als?"

I sighed, rounding the counter and gesturing towards the sofa. "It's a long story."

Over the next few minutes, I recalled the events of last night; from finding the autopsy report to the argument with my parents. I had even admitted to running to the gym whenever she asked about my bandaged knuckles – I may or may not have left out Austin comforting me for nearly an hour.

It took longer than it should've, and by the time I had finished, my eyes were swollen again, cheeks tearstained, and Trish looked as if she had seen a ghost.

I looked down at the mug of tea I had made minutes before Trish barged through the door. It had grown cold over the last thirty minutes, and I had barely taken more than two sips of it, the thought of stomaching anything at the moment seemed impossible.

"Holy shit," Trish whispered, reaching forward to placing a hand on my thigh. She shook her head, eyes scanning over my face, and I swore I seen tears of her own forming. "I'm sorry for coming in and shouting at you. I didn't realize, I –,"

I placed a hand over hers, giving her the best smile, I could muster. "It's okay. I'm sorry for snapping. Everyone is on edge." Retracking my hand, I ran it down my face, groaning slightly. "God, I was horrible to mom and dad, Trish."

"They understand, Als," she reassured me. "They are more worried than upset."

With the shake of my head, I swallowed harshly. "My dad's face when I left," I whispered, voice cracking. "I can't believe I done that. He was heartbroken."

Trish patted my thigh. "Just call them whenever you are ready. I let them know you were here on my way over."

Resting my head back against the sofa, I stared up at the ceiling, mind racing. There were so many emotions running through me that I couldn't keep up, and I felt as if I were one tiny, irrelevant mishap away from losing my shit. My head ached, along with my body and knuckles, I wanted more than anything to sleep, but that seemed impossible, along with eating despite each growl of my stomach.

But out of everything I was feeling; anger trumped it all – I was angry at everything.

My dad for looking into it; my mom for hiding it from. Trish and Cassidy for being the pushiest, nosiest friends in the world. Austin for being so damn good at understanding me that all I wanted was for him to wrap me in his arms again. At Dallas for being so fucking careless.

At myself for being angry at the people I cared about the most.

I was spiraling down a rabbit hole and there was nothing I could grasp in order to pull myself back to the surface. But unlike in the movies, I felt as if I were falling slowly – I felt as if I had been falling for the last two years, and each time I thought I had hit the bottom, I found that it was only scrapes and bruises preparing me for impact that would leave me in shambles.

All I knew was I wanted out, and I was losing my patience's.

I wanted to enjoy my life. Enjoy the people I loved because if I knew one thing, it was that they wouldn't be here forever. But I didn't know how to look passed my own pity party and get a grip on myself. And the worst of it was seeing how my pain affected them.

"Hey," she said, causing me to look at her. "You are going to get through this, we are going to get you through this."

The look on Trish's face right now reminded me of the days that Cassidy and she had to work tirelessly to simply convince me to get out of the bed. And I could see clear as day the fear that she may have to watch me go through that again. It was the same fear that my father had each time Dallas's name was mentioned.

"You don't need to get me through this, Trish," I mumbled, leaning up to place my tea on the counter. "I'm not your responsibility."

Trish eyed me cautiously, because she knew; she knew to tread on thin ice. And damnit, if that didn't make me angrier.

"No," she replied slowly, "but you are my sister, Als. You would be doing the same thing if it were me."

I didn't bother to reply; just leaned forward, placing my elbows on my knees as I rested my face in my hands. Hot tears resurfaced and were quickly making their way down my cheeks as I fought against the sob building in my chest.

"Hey," Trish cooed, rubbing my back. "Talk to me."

I hiccupped a few times, leaning back and forcing myself to take deep breaths.

"I don't want to be angry," I whimpered. "I don't want to be angry with him."

The words fell from my mouth before the reality of them had settled in. "I love him too damn much to be angry with him. What kind of person am I?" Another sob fell from my lips. "And now I'm having to sit and watch everyone I care about, watch, waiting for me to fall apart. You and Cassidy shouldn't have had to waste a year of your life caring for me, my parents shouldn't be worrying themselves sick over telling me something."

I kept rambling, kept talking because for the first time in two years, I could actually put into broken words a fraction of my feelings.

It had been two years of a reoccurring cycle; mourning Dallas, being angry with Dallas for leaving me, hating myself for being angry with him, hating myself for putting the people I loved through their own hell.

"I don't know what to do anymore, Trish," I sobbed, "I'm so full of anger and hate. I hate myself." I whimpered.

"Dallas was a part of my identity, and now I have no idea who I am – I hate who I've become without him. I feel weak and pathetic. I feel like I have nothing to offer. I hate the way my voice sounds, or how quick I jump to conclusions. I hate that I laugh too loud. I hate that I can't form words when talking to people that I don't know. I hate how I overanalyze every single thing, and then make myself sad for days on end. I hate that one day I'm on a high and then the next day I'm on the lowest of lows. I don't know what I like, what I want to do, where I want to go or what I want to accomplish. I don't know anything other than I hate myself, and I hate Dallas for leaving me. I hate myself for hating him."

My chest heaved as I blurted out words left and right, admitting things I hadn't even realized I was feeling. And with each word, my chest seemed to lighten, but when I looked at Trish, who had tears falling freely down her cheeks as she stared at me, it tightened again.

"You know what I love and see?" Trish sniffed, squeezing my hand.

"I love your eyes; they look like melted caramel in the sun. I love your hair; I wish mine had your natural waves. I love your empathy; you feel other's emotions so deeply even though you fight everyday with your own. I see the way you tear up at happy families, at people helping other people, or when someone is grieving. You were so attentive to Dallas's family after losing him." Her voice cracked, and she reached up to wipe a tear from my cheek.

"I love the way you wave enthusiastically at the old man by the fruit stand every time we go just to see him smile because you know he waves at everyone, and most don't wave back. And I love your laugh, loud and filling. I could cry every time I hear it because it's only been a handful in the last two years." Tears poured down Trish's cheeks.

"Als, the way you see yourself isn't the way other's see you. It isn't the way that the people that love you see you. And on the days hate yourself, remember all the things people love about you."

My lip trembled as I stared at her; my best friend since high school who loved me so much it hurt.

I watched her watch me before she pulled me forward, wrapping her arms around me.

"Dallas loved you, Als, maybe more so than you loved him." My breath hitched – the thought of that seemed almost impossible. "I saw it every time he looked at you," she whispered into my ear, and I buried my face into her shoulder. "You got to love him, and while you lost him, it was better to have loved him than never have met him."

My shoulders slumped at those words, the reality of them sinking in. The thought of never meeting Dallas caused an ounce of pain that riveled anything I had ever felt.

"He died knowing you loved him with every fiber in your being, and you get to live the rest of your life knowing, not only that, but that he loved you just as much."

A choked on another sob, and Trish's hold tightened.

"He wouldn't blame you for being angry, because I know damn well, he would be cursing your name if it had been you that left him." I chuckled tearfully. "But I know he would want you to live a life full of love and laughter, that he would want you to see yourself through his eyes, through mine, and all of those that love you."

Austin's words from last night replayed in my mind.

"If only you could see yourself through the eyes of other's."

So, what do you guys think?

This was not edited, if you couldn't tell, but I wanted to get it out as soon as possible for you. Plus, I didn't want to take the chance of looking over it too much, hating it, and then scraping it. But I think I'm pretty happy with the way that it turned out.

I hope you guys enjoyed. If you are a Serenity reader, be sure to check out the newest chapter if you haven't already.

I hope to have an update for you all soon, and I also have some new story ideas coming out ;) So be on the lookout for those!

Thanks for reading!

Until next time.

-meg