Part 2
Moira hit him like a train. From the second he saw her in the clinic he was hooked, he didn't know if it was the fact that she was a nun or her smile but she intrigued him. It was one of the first times since his stabbing that he really felt alive and he was addicted. He hadn't felt that connected to a woman in a long time and even though she was almost a complete stranger it was as though they knew each other on a deeper level. He'd never related to a woman on a spiritual level before, not even Cameron who had confirmed that she was agnostic very early in their relationship and wouldn't even consider getting married in a church. There was something about her understanding that part of him that attracted him to her and it was completely different to anything he had experienced before.
Since the stabbing he had been coping but not really living. Seeing Cameron had helped, there was no doubting that, and his frequent conversations with her since that day had also been somewhat of a stabiliser for him but he still found himself in bars most nights and in bed with random women most mornings.
Moira was the first person to really make him want to live again and when she was no longer his patient, he realized that the something deeper he was looking for could maybe be found in her. It was at that point that he stopped talking to Cameron. He didn't overthink the decision, knowing that if he did then he would have to deal with emotions that he didn't have the energy for at that point.
Chase ignored House and Foreman's warnings and let himself fall for her, even after she was readmitted to the hospital. In his head a future of travelling with Moira, surfing in Australia, California and Hawaii was suddenly possible and he wanted it so desperately that if she agreed then he would quit his job the next day.
Cameron was hurt when Chase suddenly started ignoring her messages. She had found her new friendship with Chase to be the one thing she felt in control of in her life, the one thing that she could make active, independent choices about. And now it was slipping from her fingers. As much as she loved Oliver and being his mom, she'd had to learn to completely surrender herself to his wants and needs. She liked her conversations with Chase because there was no expectation and pressure from him, he seemed to enjoy her telling him about her days with her son and she enjoyed hearing about the antics of her old colleagues as well as learning more about the newbies.
"What's wrong?" Matthew asked her during a quiet dinner.
Cameron looked up at him confused.
"What are you talking about?" She asked. "There's nothing wrong."
Matthew sighed before responding.
"We've been living together for six months Allison," he said. "I know when you're pissed off or distracted. You've barely spoken to me since I got home from work and when you have it's been something negative."
She looked at him, knowing that she was glaring and might be making the situation worse but she couldn't find it in herself to care at that moment.
"Sorry I didn't realise I was that awful to be around," she commented sarcastically.
"You know that's not what I meant," Matthew defended. "I just want to know what's going through your head, this isn't you."
"Everything's fine," she insisted. "I'm just tired from looking after Oliver today and hearing about your colleagues having an affair is not something I'm interested in right now."
Matthew didn't seem to take kindly to that response. She couldn't say she blamed him but what was she supposed to say? I'm pissed off because my ex-husband isn't responding to my texts. She knew that would go down even worse.
"How come you keep checking your phone then?" He asked accusingly. "Who are you so desperate to talk to?"
Cameron didn't speak for a second, unsure whether to tell him the truth or not. She felt like this was one of those decisions that could make or break their relationship, the only thing was that she didn't know which answer would save her relationship. She knew that he wouldn't take her unhappiness at Chase's decision to stop talking to her well, after all the fact that she had been married twice before was a hurdle that they had struggled with but eventually got over early in their relationship. But she knew that there was a part of him that still felt like he was a second or even third choice for her. It reminded her of Chase's occasional inferiority complex about her first husband. But then could she lie to him? Their relationship was important to her, she loved her family and loved having that stability for her son but their relationship was still growing and she didn't want to start a habit of lying to him.
"Don't freak out," she warned him gently and watched his body tense up. "I've been talking to Robert, my ex."
She watched him absorb the information and his brows furrowed. Before he could respond Cameron felt that she had to explain herself further.
"I told you about the stabbing, right?" she asked rhetorically. "He's been struggling since then so I've been trying to keep in touch with him to check that he's okay."
"I don't want to sound insensitive here but that's not your job anymore Allison," he said unhappily. "Doesn't he have friends that he could talk to? Or a girlfriend?"
She knew this would happen, that he wouldn't understand her decision to talk to him.
"This isn't anything to worry about," she defended. "I love you and I'm committed to our family, but Robert is a friend and I'm not going to stop talking to him just because it might be a bit weird that he's my ex-husband."
"So, I don't get a say in this?" he asked, obviously upset at her answers.
At her unimpressed expression Matthew continued.
"Allison," he said softly. "I'm not trying to control you or stop you from talking to him, but I'm not going to just sit here and watch him upset you."
She didn't know how to respond to that because she didn't have a good argument. She was saved when she heard Oliver cry from his crib in the next room.
"I'm going to get Oliver," Cameron responded, putting her knife and fork down and stepping away from the table.
She knew he wasn't being completely unreasonable because she agreed that it did sound crazy that she was keeping in close contact with her ex-husband. But she knew that this contact was important, not only for Chase but for herself as well, she needed something for herself in her life and Chase was providing that. Or at least he had been.
House was trying to convince him to let go of Moira and Chase was fighting all of his instincts to agree with him. What he said made sense, there was no future for the two of them, especially if he told her that her faith was just a hallucination caused by hypoxia and if Chase continued to pursue a relationship with her, he was going to get hurt. But it was so tempting, because he liked being needed and he wanted that something more that he'd been searching for since he went to seminary as a teenager.
He saw his phone flash up another message from Cameron and he felt his breath catch. He hadn't even read the messages she had been sending him but he got the notification every time she sent one and it was making him feel guilty. Because she was trying to maintain a friendship with him, and he knew that she was hoping that if their friendship continued it might help him to heal mentally from his stabbing. But he also knew that talking to Cameron about this, about him falling for another woman, might ruin that friendship and it might bring up feelings of comparison or guilt that he didn't want to even think about given that she had a family.
He ignored the message once more and went to give Moira the research that he had found about hypoxic hallucinations but when he reached her room he saw her praying, her rosary beads had replaced the iPod that was previously held in her hands. He realised that she was happy and now that she had found her something more in faith, she wouldn't be able to find it in him or anyone else for that matter. And House was right, like he always was, they would end up miserable together.
He walked away from the room, throwing the article away and headed back to the diagnostics office. On his way he got his phone out of his pocket and read the messages that Cameron had sent him. There was nothing too noteworthy the most recent message was the only one that really made him pause.
I hope you're okay, I'd really like to talk to you.
It was simple but it compelled him, because it seemed like this was about more than just her wanting to save him. He had enjoyed their conversations since they had reconnected but he was actively keeping her at arm's length because he was aware that she had a habit of wanting to save broken people and he didn't want to be broken in front of her.
I'll call you later.
He didn't overthink his reply and walked into the diagnostics office, sitting in his chair and watching House's approval at his decision to let Moira go. He couldn't help but wonder what he would think if he knew that he was back in contact with Cameron.
After Chase had apologized for ignoring her, giving the excuse of a tough case, their conversations had continued as normal but he did hear a hesitation in Cameron's voice that hadn't been there before. Their conversation had ended with Chase informing her of his upcoming trip to Chicago for a conference and them agreeing to meet up during that trip.
When Chase arrived in Chicago the first thing he did was go straight to his hotel where the conference was being held and the second thing he did was call Cameron to let her know he was there. She asked him if he would meet him for dinner that evening and he found himself enthusiastically agreeing.
She was waiting for him in the restaurant near to his hotel when he saw her. Her hair was blonde and longer than it ever had been when they'd been together, he hadn't really appreciated her looks the last time he had seen her, of course she had been attractive as she always was but she had also been wearing business attire. He couldn't remember the last time he had seen her dressed up like this and it was almost like he'd forgotten how beautiful she really was.
"Hi," he greeted her almost shyly. "It's great to see you."
She smiled at him as she stood from her seat and hugged him in reply.
"Let's sit down and order some drinks?" Cameron suggested, seeming distracted.
Once their drinks had arrived their conversation turned to the diagnostics team at PPTH.
"House is pranking Wilson more than ever," Chase told her. "I think he's bored since Cuddy left and doesn't know what else to do with himself."
"Sometimes I miss the excitement of being on House's team but then I remember the time he convinced us all that he had cancer when he was just trying to get high," she said, remembering the time right at the beginning of her and Chase's friends with benefits arrangement.
"Do you know it was actually a prank that inadvertently caused the stabbing?" Chase said cautiously. He hadn't planned on talking about the incident today but there was something comforting and protecting about the way he and Cameron talked that made him unafraid to open up to her.
Cameron looked at him in surprise that he was finally ready to talk about it, but she was also touched that she was the one he was trusting with this.
"What was the prank?" she asked softly. "I hope it was a good one if it ended with you being stabbed."
It was dark humor but she knew that Chase would take it as that.
He smiled at her joke before continuing with the story.
"It was stupid," he admitted. "He put orange hair dye in my shampoo so I had orange hair for a couple of days, I was pissed about it for longer than my hair was a different color."
"How did that lead to the stabbing?" she asked carefully. When she noticed his brief hesitation she quickly continued talking. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to but I'm here to listen when you're ready."
Chase remembered her saying something similar when he wouldn't tell her about Dibala and he had flashbacks to the end of that disastrous conversation but something told him that this time she wouldn't run and maybe it would actually help him.
"I was pissed at House," he started, taking a deep breath before continuing. "And I thought Adams was right about the diagnosis that House had disagreed with, so I went to help her with the skin biopsy. The guy went psychotic when Adams was about to inject him with lidocaine and he lashed out at her so I tried to stop him but somehow he ended up grabbing the scalpel and the rest is history."
He ended his story by pointing to his chest where he still had a healing scar.
Cameron looked at where he was pointing and he saw her swallow with a frown on her face.
"Adams stopped the bleeding enough to get me to the OR," he recalled. "But the worst part was the paralysis that came afterwards, that time when I thought I'd never walk again… it felt like my whole future was being taken away from me."
"That's really scary," she commented, not knowing what else to say.
She tried to imagine what it would be like to be in the room with Chase when that happened, she didn't think that she would have been able to save his life in the way Adams had, she would have been frozen in fear whilst the man she had once loved died in front of her eyes. The image of Chase lying on the floor, blood seeping out of his chest made her wince.
"It was," Chase agreed. "But then as I started recovering, I realized how pointless my life had become. I was going through the motions at work but the rest of my life had become drinking and hooking up and I realized that I needed a purpose, I just didn't know where to find it."
Cameron tried to ignore the sting that went through her body when Chase mentioned that he had been spending his free time hooking up with other women, she didn't have a right to be upset about that, it was her that had divorced him after all. But surely that was a normal feeling that you'd have about your ex-husband, right?
"So have you found it?" she asked. "Your purpose?"
"I thought I did," Chase sighed. "There was a woman, a nun named Moira."
Cameron raised her eyebrows in surprise that he was actually going to tell her about this.
Sensing her hesitancy at hearing this Chase stopped abruptly.
"We don't have to talk about this if you don't want to hear it."
Cameron was tempted to stop him but she knew that he didn't just open up for anyone and God knows he didn't have much reason to open up to her given their history.
"No," she said, trying to come across as confident when she was feeling anything but that. "Tell me about her."
"When I met her, she was also looking for a purpose in life, that's why she was joining the convent," he continued. "But we connected and then she started having doubts so we kind of clung to each other. I started seeing a vision for the future, going surfing together, committing to someone again. I hadn't even thought of a future like that since…"
When he trailed off Cameron heard the unsaid end of the sentence that it was since their relationship.
She nodded in understanding.
"But then she found her purpose in God again and decided to go back to the convent," he explained. "And then she was gone."
He seemed almost wistful when talking about her, but he also seemed at peace with her decision.
"Was this why you were ignoring me up until last week?" she asked.
He smiled guiltily at her and nodded confirming her suspicion.
"I'm sorry," he apologised. "It wasn't fair to you, I was just going through a rough time."
"It's okay," she smiled at him softly.
"But you clearly wanted to talk to me about something that week and I wasn't there for you," Chase insisted. "What was it that you wanted to talk about anyway?"
She looked into his expecting eyes, knowing that he wanted her to open up to him the way that he had with her, but something stopped her.
"It was nothing," she said, looking down at the table. "Oliver was just being a handful and I needed a conversation with an adult."
"And your boyfriend can't do that for you?" Chase asked.
She wasn't sure if that was jealousy or concern that she heard in his voice but there was definitely something more that just an innocent question.
"Matthew's great," she insisted. "He's a really hands on dad and he loves Oliver, he's with him right now."
"I guess the guy must have a lot of confidence," Chase mused. "I don't know if I'd be as happy about my girlfriend having dinner with her ex-husband."
Cameron didn't reply immediately to that and she knew that Chase would pick up on it.
"He does know that we're having dinner together, does he?" he asked, already knowing the answer.
"He knows I'm out for dinner with a friend I just didn't tell him it was you," Cameron admitted.
"Allison," Chase sighed. "Why didn't you tell him?"
"I don't know," she answered, aware that the answer was pitiful and untrue.
Chase sat back in his chair and watched her carefully.
"You're lying," he stated unhappily. "You have a reason but you won't tell me."
She couldn't respond to him, she felt her mouth gape open as though her body was trying to force her to tell him.
"You've never been able to open up to me, to be vulnerable." He alleged. "Not even after I've just told you something that I haven't spoken to anybody about."
"Robert," she whispered, willing herself to just be honest with him, for once. "I'm sorry."
He watched her for a second, considering his options, he could keep going, knowing that if he pushed enough then eventually, she would open up to him, it was how their entire relationship had worked. But he was tired of chasing her and he was deeply disappointed that even after all this time apart and after he'd just bared his soul to her, she still couldn't do the same with him.
"I'm sorry too Allison," he said as he stood from their table. "Because that answer isn't good enough anymore."
As she watched him leave it was like she had a moment of clarity, like she finally understood why their relationship had failed and how she was now ruining their friendship. Now she had a choice to make; could she let him go again?