Part Ten
The hot sand felt good between Chase's toes, it reminded him of how he spent the summers of his childhood, swimming in the ocean and learning to surf. Even all of this time later there was something special about being in Australia. He watched as a two year old boy was paddling in the water with his mother and it was an almost exact replica of a photograph from his childhood, before everything had gone wrong. The mom waved him over and he grinned as he jogged towards them.
"You looked lost in thought," Cameron commented as he kissed her cheek and put his arms around her. "What's going on in that head of yours?"
"Just thinking how utterly stunning my girlfriend is," he said, whispering the words into her ear and making her giggle uncharacteristically.
It was true, he'd seen her in a bikini so many times before but he never got tired of it, seeing the way the sun reflected off her skin and the way it made her currently blonde hair appear golden like a halo.
She grinned and kissed his lips softly, true happiness shining out of her.
"Do you want something?" she teased. "These compliments can't be for nothing."
"All I want is you, right here, right now on this beach," he whispered seductively.
Her eyebrows raised and a small gasp of surprise left her body involuntarily.
"As tempting as that sounds this beach is maybe a little too public, including my son who you're lucky still has no idea what we're talking about," she laughed, knowing that he was joking but loving the joy that this trip had given him.
Chase broke his gaze with Cameron for a second to look down at Oliver who was playing in the sand just a couple of steps away from them.
"Hey," Cameron said as she turned his head back towards her. "Tonight, he'll be in his own room and I'm going to show you just how much I love you, I promise."
"You show me how much you love me every day," he disagreed. "But I'm going to hold you to that promise."
She did keep the promise that night, it was their last night in Australia before returning home and so with Oliver soundly asleep down the hallway in the house they had rented they spent the night in each other's arms, and enjoying the familiar passion that was incomparable to anything else.
When it was over Chase held her in his arms, his fingers playing with her hair, soothing her in a way that no one else had been able to.
"You make me so happy," she whispered, so quietly that she didn't even know if he would hear her.
He smiled in response but didn't want to ruin the moment by speaking, instead just pulling her closer to him if that was even possible.
The flight back from Australia was long and they wouldn't attempt it again with a toddler, it wasn't easy to keep him entertained for such a long time but they had managed it. Over the past year, Chase had developed into a pseudo-parenting role with Oliver, even if he wasn't his dad or even his step-dad at this point, there was still a love and responsibility for him that he felt and having a family vacation together had proved that.
"Mama look," Oliver said, pointing out the window for the hundredth time this flight. She'd stopped expecting there to be something new to see now, with the last 99 times being just clouds and sky.
"Yeah, we're so high up, aren't we?" Cameron replied, trying to fake enthusiasm. She had flown with Oliver many times before, with his dad living in Chicago it was a regular occurrence in his life, but being on an airplane for so long was new for him.
Oliver grinned at her and then went back to playing with the toy car he had been playing with throughout the flight.
Just a minute later Oliver was talking again, this time crawling across Cameron's lap to interrupt Chase reading his book.
"Robbie car," Oliver said loudly as he gave his toy car to Chase expectantly.
Chase smiled at the little boy and sat him back on his seat, swapped seats with Cameron to give her a break from entertaining him and played with the toy car with him.
"Thank you," Cameron said when Oliver had finally gone to sleep again.
"You don't need to thank me," Chase insisted. "What time is Matthew picking him up tomorrow?"
"He said around 12," she replied sadly. "I know it's selfish to say, but I've loved having him all to ourselves for the last three weeks."
"Me too," Chase admitted before hesitantly adding. "I'll come over tomorrow morning then, so I can say goodbye to him in the morning?"
"You can just stay over tonight," she suggested. "When was the last time you stayed at your apartment anyway?"
He didn't reply but nodded at her instead, agreeing to stay over tonight.
It was true that he rarely spent time at his apartment now, to the extent that he really did feel like he was wasting money on rent each month. But every time he thought about bringing up the idea of moving in together something stopped him. It was like taking another step into commitment and that scared him because with every step of commitment their relationship had collapsed further the last time they had tried this. In his heart he knew that it was different this time, but his head kept spinning back to it and stopping him from discussing it with her.
She had also been avoiding talking about this, he knew that she liked him being at her house, not just for her but also because having him there to help with Oliver made her life easier. It made him wonder whether she was having the same block as him.
Two weeks after they had got back from Australia and something wasn't right.
Cameron wasn't in bed that morning when he had woken up, she'd left a note telling him she was going in to work early and dropping off Oliver on her way in.
He called her when he saw the note, this really wasn't like her and she'd seemed quiet the night before as well.
Just when she thought that she wasn't going to answer he heard her voice on the other end of the phone.
"Hi," she greeted him.
"Morning," he said, trying not to let the concern he was feeling seep into his voice. "Is everything okay? You left early this morning."
She was silent for a second before responding.
"I'm fine, just wanted to get an early start," she replied, sounding distracted. "Look I can't really talk now, there's… stuff going on at work."
"Okay," he said. "I'll see you later then, I love you."
She didn't hesitate before replying.
"I love you too."
He frowned as she hung up the phone and tried to rewind the past couple of days to figure out what had happened. Since coming back from Australia everything had been great, Oliver had spent a week with his dad and he and Cameron had got on with work, as usual. He couldn't think of anything he had done or that had happened that could be making her feel unhappy. Unless something had happened at work yesterday, he knew that the emergency department took it's toll on her but one of the things he loved about her was how committed she was to her patients, even if it did mean that she brought her work home with her sometimes.
He was distracted as he went to the bathroom, trying to remember what she had told him about the patients she saw yesterday and went into the bathroom cupboard to look for some new toothpaste. Then his heart skipped a beat.
There was a pregnancy test in the cupboard.
Chase didn't know how he managed to get to work that day but somehow he found himself sat in his office switching between googling engagement rings and baby furniture. He needed to prove that he was okay with this, that he would be a good dad and good partner in this, he needed some kind of gesture to give her. He was aware that he was freaking out but that didn't stop him, he was overwhelmed by the fact that she was pregnant, he thought back to Australia and the sex that they'd had even after she'd told him that she'd forgotten to take a couple of birth control pills because what was the likelihood anything actually happening? Apparently, the odds were higher than he thought.
His phone alerted him to the fact he had a meeting with Foreman in a couple of minutes so he closed his computer down and walked out of the office.
The meeting wasn't particularly productive with his mind everywhere but work and Foreman had definitely noticed.
"You okay?" he asked when the other people in the meeting had left.
"Fine," Chase responded unconvincingly, gathering his papers and avoiding eye contact. "Need to, you know, get back to work."
"You don't have a case," Foreman commented suspiciously, stopping Chase before he had the chance to leave. "Is it Cameron? Did she break up with you?"
Chase turned his head quickly, the idea of her breaking up with him panicking him in a way that he didn't want to admit to.
"No, what?" he asked sharply. "Why would she break up with me? Everything's fine."
"Sure," Foreman said sarcastically. "You seem fine."
Chase debated just storming out of the room and going to find the woman in question, telling her that they were moving in together and getting married to prepare for having their baby. But instead he found himself needing to vent to the nearest person to him.
"She's pregnant," he confessed.
Foreman's eyes widened and he sat down slowly in the chair opposite Chase.
"I'm guessing it wasn't planned," Foreman stated.
"Obviously not," Chase replied as though it was the most absurd notion he had ever heard.
"You guys have been married before, back together for almost two years and she already has a kid, it's not that inconceivable," he defended his surprise and Chase rolled his eyes. "And you would assume that two doctors would be more responsible about birth control."
Chase glared at him, this was not what he needed to hear.
"So what are you going to do about it?" Foreman asked, as practical and matter of fact as always.
"I'm going to ask her to marry me," Chase said, trying to sound more confident than he really felt about it.
"Just because she's pregnant?" Foreman asked sceptically, and rightfully so. "Is that what she wants?"
"I don't know," he admitted. "It just seems like the right thing to do."
"Right," Foreman said slowly, unconvinced as though he was talking to someone with a much lower IQ than he actually had. "Because I'm sure that she's looking for a ring from you instead of I don't know, just talking to her."
But at this point there was nothing that could convince Chase otherwise, he was going to make this right and they were going to get married.
Cameron was doing some documentation after resuscitating a car crash victim when she heard Chase's voice. It had been a long day and she knew that it was only going to get longer, she should have talked to him before she left that morning, or last night even, but avoidance was something that she had relied on for a long time as a coping strategy and it clearly wasn't going away any time soon.
"Hi," he said as he approached her, nervous energy radiating from him as he fidgeted with his hands. "Can we talk?"
She frowned at him and gestured to the paperwork she was doing.
"I'm kind of busy right now," she said. "There was a resus this morning and…"
She didn't need to continue, he nodded in understanding that she couldn't do a deep, personal conversation right now after the morning she'd had.
"Got it," he said. "We'll talk tonight though, right?"
She gave him a soft smile, trying to hide her concern at his frantic mannerisms because if this was how he was now, how was he going to cope when she told him about the main thing weighing on her mind today.
"Yeah," she agreed. "Have you got a lot going on today?"
"Not really," he commented. "Do you need me to pick up Oliver this afternoon?"
"I know I said I would but with everything going on here today I've got no chance of getting out of here on time," she said apologetically.
"Don't worry about it," he replied. "It's fine."
They shared a smile before she got back to work, as he walked away she watched him. She was so grateful for the man he had become, from who he was when they had first met, young and confident but irresponsible and down right reckless at times. Sometimes it was like he was a completely different man but then she'd see him smile at her the same way he had when she'd teased him about sex, long before they had ever done the deed themselves. Or those times when he didn't have all of the answers straight away and he'd come to her to bounce ideas off her, reminding her of how well they used to work together. She wondered if that was how come they worked together so well as a parenting team now, she only hoped that he would see it the same way.
When she finally pulled into the driveway and saw the lights on in the living room she took a deep breath, partly because she was relieved to finally be home after one of the longest days she'd had at work in a while and partly in trepidation because she knew the day wasn't over yet.
She walked into the house, feeling completely exhausted and smiled at the smell of food that Chase had cooked for her.
He walked out of the kitchen and smiled at her, although he still looked nervous, like he was scared he was going to screw things up any second.
"Hi," she greeted him. "Thank you, for picking him up this afternoon."
He walked towards her and kissed her before replying, she didn't realised how much she needed it until it happened. She ran her hands down his back and held him close to her, her hands eventually landing in the back pockets of his jeans.
"It's no problem," he insisted. "He was tired so I've put him to bed already."
"What would I do without you?" she asked rhetorically, knowing that her life wouldn't have nearly as much happiness and stability without him in it.
"I'm glad you're home," he said, nervously. "I wanted to talk to you about something."
"Yeah, me too," she responded, taking a breath but then pausing when she felt something in his pocket.
She froze and the fear in her eyes must have been obvious because Chase's face was suddenly overcome with terror.
"Is that what I think it is?" she asked quietly, feeling a cool ring-shaped object.
"That's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about," he said uncomfortably.
She stepped back from him and watched as he took the ring out of his pocket and showed it to her.
She gasped at the familiarity of the object; it was the same one he had given her when he'd proposed to her almost six years ago. She was confused and almost angry that after everything they had talked about, he would propose to her without even talking about marriage and whether that was something they'd want to do together again, let alone proposing to her with the same ring.
"What is happening right now?" she asked, completely taken aback by the situation.
"I want to show you that I'm committed to you, to our family," he explained, doubting himself more with every second.
The use of the word family made her remember the reason she had wanted to talk to him that night, the reason she had been feeling emotional and exhausted all day.
"You know?" she accused him. "You know I think I'm pregnant."
"You think?" he asked, a mixture of hurt and confusion evident on his face. "What does that mean?"
"It means that my period is late and after what happened in Australia… I bought a test, I was going to take it tonight," she explained. "Is that seriously why you're proposing to me right now? You think that marriage is magically going to make this okay?"
"I'm doing this because I don't know how to make this better," Chase said, his voice now raising in frustration. "And I've spent all day thinking of a way to tell you that I'm committed to you but the moment I do and you throw it in my face, as usual."
"What is that supposed to mean?" she asked, her hands on her hips and she got tired of holding her anger and upset inside her body.
"The moment you saw the ring your reaction was to run away," Chase accused. "Exactly the same as six years ago."
"That has nothing to do with me not being committed to you," she responded angrily. "I can't believe you didn't know that after everything we've been through these past two years."
"Then why didn't you tell me you think you're pregnant?" he asked, his frustration increasingly evident. "You should have told me."
"I'm telling you now!" she disputed.
"Only because I found the test," he argued back.
"I only bought the test yesterday," she argued. "Did you ever think that this kind of reaction is why I didn't tell you straight away?"
"I'm only reacting like this because you still don't trust me, after everything we've been through. You don't trust me enough to be your husband or the father of your baby."
She recoiled from him now, the distance between them growing.
"You think I don't trust you?" she asked, hurt by his accusation. "You think I don't think you could be a good dad? I see you every day being a dad to my son, I trust you with him more than I trust anyone, including his own dad. If you can't see that then I don't know what to say anymore. I think the truth is that you don't trust yourself to become a dad because you don't want to become your dad."
He felt like she had just punched him in the gut because she knew the truth behind this even better than he did.
She watched him as he stayed silent.
"You stay here," she said to him, the distaste dripping from her mouth. "I'm going upstairs to find out if we're having a baby in nine months."
Chase watched as she went upstairs and debated whether he should follow her or not, but ultimately decided to stay put and give both of them some space. Since they had got back together they hadn't really had arguments, their relationship was harmonious and up until this point they had communicated any problems they were having. Chase had once thought that having a functional relationship that was also passionate was impossible but this had taught him that not only was it possible, it was also more worthwhile than any other relationship he'd had.
He looked around her house, the pictures of the two of them together and of them both with Oliver. He saw his sweater hanging off the edge of the couch and a book that he was reading was still on the coffee table where he had left it a couple of days ago. Even if they weren't officially living together his life and their life together was entwined with this house.
He thought about Cameron upstairs and wished this had gone differently, that he was with her, holding her hand as they found out that they were having a baby. He didn't know how it had gone the last time she was pregnant but he imagined that hadn't been a positive experience either, he regretted so much handling this the way he had, they weren't going to get this experience back.
He heard her coming down the stairs and stood up as a reflex. There were tears glistening in her eyes and he couldn't stop himself, he walked over to her and pulled her into his arms.
"I'm sorry Allison," he whispered, kissing the side of her head. "But I promise, everything is going to be okay."
She pulled back from him and looked him squarely in the eye.
"It was negative."
The emotions that he felt when she said that took him by surprise, it was mostly shock but there was a lot of sadness mixed in.
"Are you okay?" he asked her, his hand caressing her arm.
She didn't respond verbally, instead shaking her head as tears fell more freely now.
He led her to the couch and held her in his arms as she cried.
"I don't know why I'm feeling like this," she whispered to him sadly. "I know we weren't even trying and if nothing else this has shown us we've still got a lot to work through but I'm still disappointed."
He kissed her again, waiting until he knew what he wanted to say to her. He had already learned today that speaking and acting before he thought it through didn't end well.
"I'm sad too," he admitted. "I think more than anything because this could have been how we found out we were having a baby and I ruined it for us."
"I ruined it too," she confessed. "As much as we've moved on from it, our past is always there and it's going to creep into our current lives like this every now and then. If I hadn't been so reluctant and hesitant our whole relationship, if I hadn't left you then…"
She trailed off, not wanting to put words into his mouth or assume what he was feeling.
"Then I wouldn't get insecure every time things don't go perfectly," he finished for her and then sighed.
She nodded, that had been exactly what she was thinking.
"You were right," he told her. "When you said that I was scared of becoming my dad. You know what my family was like, I want our family to be better than that, I want to be better than that."
"You will be," she promised him. "You already are."
He smiled at her gratefully, he knew that she meant it.
"I'm sorry for proposing to you," he said and she almost laughed in response.
"It's okay," she said, a small smile on her face. "I'm sorry for not saying yes."
"You don't need to apologise for that," he insisted.
She still felt like she did, this had now been twice that she'd ruined him proposing to her, she wouldn't blame him now if he never asked her again. Although she hoped the next time wouldn't be a reaction to emotional turmoil happening in their lives.
"Did you really want to marry me?" she asked him, not sure which answer she really wanted to hear.
"Yes," he said without hesitation. "I want to marry you but I don't want to rush into anything, I want us both to be ready this time, I shouldn't have even attempted it before I was sure you were ready."
She nodded in agreement.
"You also shouldn't have used the same ring," she said, teasing him and loving the smile that she saw on his face.
"Not my finest moment," he said. "Do you think you'll be ready for it? Marriage I mean, do you think you'll be ready for it soon or even ever?"
She paused for a moment, thinking it over before answering him, she didn't want to mess this up again.
"Yes," she responded. "And I think soon."
His smile brought her so much happiness that it only confirmed that yes it was something she wanted and definitely soon.
"And a baby?" he asked, not letting himself getting his hopes up too high just yet. "That's something you want… now?"
This one she had to think about a little more.
"I think the disappointment I felt tonight when that test was negative made me realise how much it's something that I do want," she told him, almost nervously. "And I wouldn't mind doing it before we got married, I think everyone's already judged us enough at this point."
He thought of her parents who still weren't in love with them being together but at least they weren't as actively hostile at family get togethers anymore. They certainly wouldn't want them to have a baby before getting married again but what did that matter? He wasn't in this relationship to please her parents.
"I want to have a baby with you too," he said, leaning forward to kiss her.
The kiss escalated more than either of them had planned and she was soon exploring his body right there on the couch, pulling his shirt off his shoulders and running her hands down his bare chest, kissing his neck at the same time.
He pulled back slightly to look at her with a wicked grin.
"I didn't realise you meant right now," he said to her, almost laughing at how their evening had turned around so fast.
"You realise I've been taking my birth control pills religiously since I missed those couple of days in Australia?" she said to him, getting frustrated at the pause in their activities. She continued kissing him, moving back to his lips to stop him from ruining the moment.
"Are you going to stop taking them?" he asked, not letting the conversation drop, she sat back at that point, accepting that she wasn't going to get what she wanted without finishing the conversation.
"That's what I want to do," she admitted. "Are you okay with that?"
"Yes," he said, she was about to kiss him again when he continued. "But there's something else I want to do first, I want us to live together."
She smiled at him and then kissed him again, giving him his answer in the best way possible.