Chapter 2: Like Father, Like (Adopted) So
"Hey kid, what's your name?" Tanzuki asks little Naruto, getting the answer, "Naruto, Naruto Uzumaki, what's la yours, sir?" Naruto asks the maybe kind man, "The names Tanzuki, no clan name though, so people call me Tanzuki of the Yakuza, you ain't scared, are you?" Tanzuki asks, getting a no from Naruto. "Would you like a gift?" Tanzuki asks Naruto, causing him to cry; "A gift, for my birthday, thank you." Naruto was an emotional mess, he was rescued for once, now has a father, and gets free food and a gift on his birthday. "Wait, it's you birthday day, How old are you... sorry for being rude." Tanzuki says. "Six years ol... Naruto passed out from blood loss.
Tanzuki picking an unconscious Naruto, dashing away, only to realize, he don't know shit about this poor boy, or just where the fuck the hospital is, suddenly ANBU Shinobi land all around him, stopping him in his tracks, one handing him a note reading "Saw what ya did, thanks, the Hokage will help." Tanzuki was relieved, the leader of the village wasn't a asshole, and clearly doesn't give a shit at the same time, that's something you never really see alot.
Being teleported to a place he doesn't know what to meet a person he doesn't know had him uptight, but Naruto must be his grandson, Naruto's "Jiji" sort to speak. The Hokage, Hiruzen was mad, not only was a villager, and a Shinobi found dead, but reports are saying the there are two demons are in the village, which he knew wasn't true, but there will be so much painful paperwork, which he hated. "Y'ello mister fancy-pants Hoe-Kage sir." Tanzuki says, a slightly vile and disrespectful tone in his voice. To say the Hokage was shocked was an understatement, he was on the verge of loosing his shit when the man who just walked in literally just disrespected the entire village, unprevocked too. "Sir, please sit down, let..." Getting cut of by Tanzuki, one hand over Hiruzens mouth, a barbed kunai in the other, "Now all wise leader sir, before you go on a petty little rant on why I shouldn't have killed two assholes, you better sit down before I go against my promise to that nearly dead boy on the couch over their and kill his worthless, dumbass of a 'Jiji.'" Hiruzen was now pissing himself, the speed of this man, and the gall to threaten his life with about five or so ANBU black ops members... nope don't sense them, did he... "And tell your shitty little security team not to be so daft, if you survive." That answers it, the only question i... "If you're wondering what I want with Naruto, I'd like to adopt him." well that answers an... "Get outta the clouds old man and get the kid some help, don't just sit there and play patty cake with your balls, or you'll ve busting a nut with one less." "Okay, I'm...I know this interrupting you between thoughts is annoying, but the kid's life is danger of ending, so get off your ass and help, and stop wondering who I am."
The next morning, Naruto woke up in the hospital, the kind man named Tanzuki was just walking through the door, carrying a freshly baked cake, the room smelled of love (not literally;) "Are you awake little dude, cuz I got you a few things," Tanzuki says pulling out a scroll, channeling chakra into it, causing a table full of presents to appear... "Nothing but the best for my boy!" Tanzuki says smugly, causing a nearly conscious Naruto to ask, "Wait, you actually meant it?"
Tanzuki was stumped, why wouldn't he, the kid seems to have no one, and he doesn't either, "Well of course I did, and your "Jiji" didn't mind."
In the Hokage tower:
"The nerve of tha..." about another fifty volts of electricity goes through Hiruzen's manhood.
"So Jiji said you and me could be a family?" Naruto beams pure glee for once getting a thumbs up from Tanzuki.
Outside the hospital:
"I'll ri..." This time about a hundred volts course through his nutsack, causing a slight convulsion. "Where's Naruto's room?" Hiruzen asks the hospital staff, who could tell he was in pain, so they check out what's wrong with the aging leader, only to nearly die of laughter.
When he had the devious device surgically removed, he bolted to Naruto's room, only to find... probably the most heartwarming thing he ever saw, Naruto being hugged by the monster who strapped the "No Horny Machine" to his man parts.
"So, you were serious about taking in little Naruto.