The next few months went by fast. In that time, the Scouts had finally gone on their first expedition of the year, and Isa couldn't help but feel relieved that no one from her squad had died. She felt guilty since there were people who had lost loved ones, but she was ultimately grateful that the loss had been minimal…or minimal compared to other expeditions.
This past expedition, Isa had managed to tack on four more solo titan kills. The success had boosted her confidence in her skills immensely, to where she was starting to feel that she deserved a spot on Erwin's squad.
She felt that the training was helping her immensely. While still gruesome, she didn't tire as easily now, unless Erwin was feeling particularly cruel one day and added extra running or had them run through the training course multiple times.
She recalled one day where Erwin had them work on balance by hanging from the trees with their ODM gear. He had them do nothing but just hang there for hours, working on strengthening their cores. She'd never been as sore as she had the day after. He'd added that to their regular training, albeit, for less time.
She was more impressed with her current squad than she had with her previous one. Sherri had become quite skilled with ODM, and had also downed four titans in the last expedition. Isa was proud of her friend.
Levi had improved somewhat in his willingness to work as a team, though she could tell he still preferred to go about things on his own. She wondered if it was so that he wouldn't have to wait for someone else to decide before acting. He always performed well, and she honestly wondered if there was anything he didn't automatically excel at.
Maybe his people skills. The man was incredibly gruff in nature.
Mike. He was a force to be reckoned with. She hadn't expected to meet someone so close to Levi's skill. Apart from the sniffing quirk, he was friendly enough, though on the quieter side like Levi.
Isa was impressed at how skilled Uma was. Before joining Erwin's squad, she hadn't seen Uma perform since joining the end of training. She was fast, and sharp in her movements, quickly adapting to anything thrown her way.
While she felt that her own skill was decent enough, and that she deserved her place on Erwin's squad, she still couldn't help but feel that she was the lowest performing member.
It was during training with their horses one day, that Isa noticed something. Levi's horse was acting, odd, almost nervous and skittish.
It was subtle, she didn't think anyone else had noticed, but the stallion acted as if he were uncertain at times as to what he needed to do.
She noticed that his eyes would widen, ever so slightly, whenever he saw ODM gear. He never moved away from it, but he would chew at the bit.
This is what prompted her to bring it up to Levi that night.
"Levi."
He turned his head to look at her.
"I've noticed something…odd with your horse. Have you noticed him acting differently?"
Levi's brow furrowed as he thought. "Sometimes I have to give him an extra nudge to get him moving, or he'll jump a little when I saddle him up. Nothing extremely out of the ordinary."
"I've noticed some things he's been doing. Did something happen with him on any of the expeditions you've been on with him?"
He was quiet for a moment. "In that first expedition, we were riding to make it back to where you guys were, he stumbled, maybe tripped over a rock and threw me off."
"That could frighten any horse, and it's possible that with the heavy storm, I think he might be a little afraid right now. What about this last expedition?"
"I think there was one point where a titan came out of nowhere, and he seemed startled, but didn't act strange."
Isa thought back to how Luna had reacted in that second expedition, when she'd thrown her and bolted when the titan had sprang up out of nowhere outside the fog. She'd spent weeks after that expedition, working with the mare, making sure that any fear that had been present, was gone.
"Do you mind if we try something tomorrow? It's a bit out of the ordinary but I think it might help calm him down and begin to trust you again."
"What is it?"
"Well it's this thing I read about, back during training, called joining up. It basically focuses on building trust with your horse. You want your horse to trust you when you're outside the walls." Her brows furrowed as she spoke. Right now it may be subtle, but I worry that it could get worse if we don't stop it now. The last thing we'd want is for something to happen outside the walls that triggers a more extreme reaction."
Isa definitely didn't want that to happen. Levi was extremely skilled, but being thrown from your horse would be dangerous for anyone, especially if it happened right in front of a titan. Isa had been lucky that someone had taken care of that titan that scared Luna.
"Does it help?"
She shrugged. "Honestly, I'm not sure. But it's what I did with Luna when she bolted last fall on that expedition, and I think it helps."
He nodded. "Alright, we can try it."
The next afternoon after training, Isa led Luna to the pen where she'd worked with Furlan and his horse so long ago, Levi and his horse walking alongside her. She had a few carrots and sugar cubes in her jacket pocket and the lunge whip in her free hand.
Isa thought the stallion seemed relatively calm at the moment, but she could see that his muscles were a bit more tense than normal, and his eyes were constantly flickering around, as if waiting for something to jump out.
She had Levi wait with his horse outside the pen with his stallion, and she took Luna inside the pen to demonstrate.
She removed Luna's halter and lead, giving the mare a gentle rub on the nose. "Alright, let's show them how we do this, what do you say girl?" A serene smile was on Isa's face, the adoration ever present.
Her ear's flickered in the direction of Isa's voice, her calm eyes watching her, waiting for instruction. The bond between the two was clear as day, even to the stoic man watching them. And if he was awe-stricken at how at peace Isa was in that moment, if the beat of his heart picked up ever so slightly at the glow around her in the fading sunlight, he didn't show it.
Isa stepped back to the center of the ring, lunge whip in hand, flicking it behind Luna, sending her in a gentle trot around the pen.
She never grew tired of this. There was something so peaceful in watching Luna move around the pen, complete trust on her face as she trotted. Within minutes, Luna was showing Isa that she was ready, but Isa kept her going, just as she had with Furlan and Star.
When she felt that enough time had passed, she stopped, and turned her back, showing her trust to Luna.
Within seconds, the mare was at Isa's back, ready as ever. She guided Luna around the pen, and as always, the mare moved with her as if their minds were connected.
She stopped in front of Levi, meeting his calm gray eyes. "Ready to give it a try?"
He led his horse into the pen, following Isa's example, and removed his halter. He picked up the lunge whip, but when he tried to tap it behind the stallion, the horse shied away, unsure of what to do. He tried a couple of times, but the horse wouldn't move.
Isa sent him a sly grin. "You mean there's something you aren't good at? I'm shocked." Her voice was light and innocent as she teased him.
He gave her a bland look. "You gonna help or not?"
"Alright, alright. Here, let me try with him. See if maybe I can get a response." She grabbed the lunge whip back from him as she walked by.
She looked over her shoulder at Levi. "You haven't named him yet have you?"
"No."
She hummed, making her way over to the black stallion.
She made sure to keep her steps light, cautious, so as not to startle the animal.
"Hey there big guy, it's okay, I'm not going to hurt you." Her voice was hushed and soothing.
She watched as the stallion eyed her suspiciously but made no movements. A small smile crossed her face as she was reminded of Levi.
She moved her eyes down as she got closer to the animal, holding out her hand slowly, in it, one of the carrots she'd stolen from the kitchen.
Too close. The stallion reared up, clearly unhappy with the new person approaching. Before she could do anything to calm him, she was yanked out of the way, colliding with a hard chest.
She looked up in annoyance at Levi, too stunned to react to the contact. "What the hell?"
"What? Do you enjoy getting trampled on by animals bigger than you?"
She rolled her eyes. "He wasn't going to trample me. He just got startled. I would have worked to calm him down." She sighed, her fear was confirmed by the horse's reaction. "This is exactly what I was talking about last night. He's obviously lost some trust in humans. He seems fine around you for now, but you don't want this to grow into something more. The last thing you want is for him to throw you when he gets nervous outside the walls. Just, let me work with him. I'm no expert, but I think I can try."
He didn't seem happy, but then Isa thought, when did he ever. Despite that, he let her go.
This time she approached the stallion even slower than before, and with a sugar cube in her outstretched hand. She stopped further away than she had before, and waited for him to come to her, avoiding eye contact as she did. She kept her body sideways so she could see him from the corner of her eyes.
She waited, and she could feel the stallion watching her, eyeing her suspiciously. She was thrown back to all the times Levi had watched her with suspicion. She was amazed at how far she'd managed to come with him. He didn't watch her with that cautious gaze anymore, if anything, he seemed to enjoy her presence for the most part. Or that's what she thought. Surely if he didn't want to be around her or couldn't stand her presence, he wouldn't come to sit with her on the roof each night.
She stood for a while, not moving, despite the ache growing in her arm from holding it out for so long. She refused to let the slightest discomfort on her part remove any progress that had been made from the time she stopped to wait for him.
She heard the stallion take a cautious, hesitant step, followed by another. She kept her body as still as possible, not wanting to startle him again. When she felt him take the sugar cube, she could have leapt with excitement.
Ever so slowly, she reached up to stroke his muzzle, and slowly brought her eyes up to meet his. "See there big boy, I told you I wasn't going to hurt you." He nickered as she soothingly rubbed his nose. "How about we give you a name, since the grouchy man still refuses to?"
She thought for a moment and was hit with a name she'd read in a book long ago. "How about, Spartan?"
His ears pricked at the name and a low, giddy giggle escaped her. "Yea, you like that don't you. Now, how's about we show Levi how a join up is really done?"
She stepped back, grabbing the lunge whip, tapping it behind Spartan to get him moving. He seemed startled, but began moving in a trot around her.
She kept him moving, never letting him stop, constantly having him switch directions so that he never got too comfortable. Never letting up. Showing him that he could count on her, that he could trust her, and that she would trust him.
She lost track of how long she kept him going, an hour, longer, she didn't know. Finally, it happened. The slightest twitch of his inner ear towards her.
Progress.
She kept at it until he showed a new sign and was pleased when he lowered his head to the ground, unable to keep the smile off her face.
So close.
She kept him going a little longer, wanting to be sure they were both ready.
When she felt it, she stopped, and turned her back to him. He had shown her he trusted her, so now it was time for her to show she trusted him.
She heard when the stallion stopped behind her, and could feel his eyes watching her, almost calculating what he wanted to do.
Again, she waited, not moving in the slightest. A smile broke out on her face when she heard the stallion slowly walk towards her.
When she felt his gentle breath on her hair, she slowly reached a hand behind her to rub at his muzzle. She turned and her heart bloomed to see how calm his eyes now were, as if he had only needed a small reminder that he wasn't in danger, and that he could trust humans.
Just as she had with Luna, she moved around, and was pleased when Spartan followed her with ease, anticipating her movements.
This horse is so intelligent, and so sweet.
She brought him over to Levi, who had been watching her, eyes as calculating as ever. If he was impressed with how she handled his horse, he didn't show it.
"Do you think you're ready to try again?"
He nodded. "I think so."
"By the way, I named your horse for you. His name is Spartan."
He raised a brow at her.
She shrugged. "You clearly weren't going to, and the poor boy deserves a name."
Without giving him a chance to answer, she handed him the lunge whip, and took a seat over on the fence. She watched as Levi mimicked her movements with Spartan, and this time, the horse complied.
Isa was surprised at how much progress she'd made in her friendship with Levi. She felt that she'd grown surprisingly close with him, and he joined her every night outside on the roof. He was still as gruff and grouchy as ever, but she'd realized that Isabel was right in that the meaning behind his words stayed the same, despite the tone.
She was impressed at how much the man had calmed down since she'd met him. He seemed to hold more patience now than he had before, or perhaps that patience had always been there, just hidden by an angry exterior.
Every moment spent with him, she could feel herself sliding down a slippery slope towards something more than a crush, something completely unknown, and it terrified her. She didn't fully understand why, considering how gruff and grouchy he was, despite being less angry than he used to be.
'We can't control who we want.'
Furlan, you may have had a point.
That was the last thing she wanted. She didn't want to do or feel anything that would risk her friendship with the man, because she knew there was no way he would ever return any form of feelings other than friendship, if he even considered her a friend. A crush, desire, those were bad enough, complicated enough.
So she clung tight to that cliff, refusing to let go.
When Levi turned his back on Spartan, her heart thrummed with excitement as she watched the horse move towards his owner without hesitation.
And when Levi raised a hand to stroke the stallion's muzzle, if she wondered what his hands would feel like on her, she brushed it aside, ignoring it.
They were now about midway through the year and Isa's tea supply was running low. She knew she needed to make a run to Trost so she could stock up.
She thought about inviting Levi, but she worried that it would be too much too soon. He was an avid tea drinker like herself, and she was certain he'd appreciate the variety of teas that Ethel had. He'd be gruff and cold, no doubt about it, but Isa knew that Ethel would see through that gruff exterior. Ethel had a knack for seeing what people kept hidden close to themselves. But she couldn't help but second guess herself.
Maybe Ethel would even be able to clue her in on her insights of the man.
That night, Isa was sitting out on the roof as usual with Levi, and he was in a good mood, or what she'd come to learn was a good mood for him. The only problem was that she didn't know how to ask him or if she should, and so she was having trouble paying attention to him. She didn't know if he'd even want to go. He wasn't exactly a people person.
She suddenly felt a sharp pain on her forehead, drawing her gaze to him. She registered that his hand was in front of her forehead.
She blinked. "…Did you just flick me?" Her tone incredulous.
He sighed. "We've been over this. Whatever's on your mind, just spill it."
She chewed on her lip before she blurted out. "Do you want to come to Trost with me this weekend?"
His eyes widened slightly, which was the only indication to Isa that he was taken aback.
She took a deep breath. "What I meant to say, is that I need to run to Trost to get some more tea. There's this tea shop that's owned by this sweet, older woman, and she has a large variety that I think you might like." When she said that, she started to worry that he would think she didn't like sharing her tea with him, so she quickly added, "Not that I don't like sharing my tea with you, I do. I just thought you might like something different and—"
He rolled his eyes. "Relax."
She took another breath and watched him carefully, looking for any sign that she'd gone too far in her invitation.
"I'll go with you."
His agreement in going made her stomach flip. Ignoring it, she gave him a smile. "Great, meet me outside the mess hall on Saturday after breakfast."
He gave her another nod, and then the two of them sat and watched the stars. Before long, Isa's eyes were drooping, and so she said goodnight to Levi, and retired to the barracks.
The rest of the week flew by for Isa, and each day she felt the fluttering in her stomach grow as the weekend drew near. Isa didn't fully understand why she felt both nervous and excited. It was just a small trip to Trost with Levi. What was there to be nervous about?
Saturday morning came, and Isa woke and dressed quickly. She met Hange in the mess hall for breakfast.
"Any plans for today Isa?"
"Well I'm going to Trost with Levi. I'm taking him to…Hange are you alright?"
Hange was currently trying not to choke on her food, her eyes boggling at Isa behind her glasses. When Hange managed to get herself under control and swallow the food in her mouth, she looked back at Isa.
"I'm sorry, you said you're going where with who?!"
"Ummm…Trost with Levi?"
Hange gaped at Isa. "So you managed to break through to him. I noticed you seemed to be getting along well with him, but I didn't realize how much progress you'd made."
Isa shrugged. "I'm not sure. He's been sitting up on the roof with me, and last night I invited him into Trost with me to go visit Ethel and get some tea."
"He's been sitting with you on the roof?!" Hange's voice reached a shrill pitch that reverberated in Isa's head.
Isa rolled her eyes at her friend's overreaction. "Hange, goodness, will you please keep your voice down. Yes, I've been giving him a cup of my tea every night for a couple of months following the expedition with Furlan and Isabel, and something must have spurred him to follow me up to the roof, and he's gone up there each night after."
"You've been sharing your tea with him? You never share it with me." Hange pouted.
She gave Hange a bland look. "Because I know you have shit taste when it comes to tea, and I'm not going to share my leaves unless it's with someone who will appreciate them."
Hange rolled her eyes and huffed. "Fine I guess that's a fair point. I just think it's interesting that he's going with you. Maybe he likesyou." Hange wiggled her eyebrows at that.
Isa flushed at the thought and she ignored the way her heart jumped at the mention of him 'liking' her. It felt so childish. "Hange. Grow up, please. One, that's just not possible. Two…no that's it, just that it's not possible."
"Isa you're blushing!"
"Hange please.Keep your voice down."
"You like him too don't you."
"No of course not, don't be ridiculous."
"Whatever you say Isa, but you can't fool your best friend."
"Alright, if you're done laughing at my expense, I'm going to go. Something tells me that Levi isn't the type of person who appreciates tardiness, and I told him I'd meet him after breakfast."
"Can't I come with you?" Hange's eyes were pleading as she begged to come along.
"No. Absolutely not. The last thing I need is you annoying him today."
Hange huffed again. "Fine, but what am I supposed to do?"
"I don't know, go hang out with Moblit, I'm sure he'd lovehanging out with you today."
It was Hange's turn to flush. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Not so fun when you're on the other side." Isa gave Hange a smug grin.
Hange glared at Isa, choosing to ignore her comment.
"Alright, so I'll see you later. Bye Hange."
She quickly put away her breakfast dishes, and made her way outside the mess hall, where Levi was waiting for her.
"You ready?"
He nodded.
"Would it kill you to do something other than nod?"
"Possibly."
Isa rolled her eyes.
They made their way to the stables and saddled up their horses, and soon, the two were making their way to Trost.
Isa glanced over at Levi, who was riding beside her on his horse. She was so pleased that Spartan had made progress since she'd worked with him. She'd recommended to Levi that he try working with him and joining up at least once a week, to keep showing Spartan that he could place his trust in Levi.
"Can I ask you something?"
"What?"
She chewed at her lip, unsure of what to ask, and blurted the first thing that came to mind. "What was it like Underground?"
Shit…why oh why, Isa, did you ask that? That is probably the worst possible thing you could have asked him.
"Why do you want to know?" His tone gave no indication whether or not her question bothered him.
"I'm just…curious."
He gave her a long look. "Dark, dirty, people all over the streets half-dead."
The vaguest taste of sewer water came to memory, but she quickly shoved that aside. "Is it as bad as people say it is?" Crime, murder, death everywhere.
"Worse. You'll do just about anything to eat, to survive. People on the surface don't get that."
She thought about telling him the truth but decided against it.
Not now, I don't want to ruin this day.
She understood. "I don't know if I ever told you this, but…I don't blame you for what you did to get to the surface. That deal you made. I know some people weren't too happy about it, but I get it."
"What makes you think that makes a difference?" His tone was as gruff as ever.
She rolled her eyes. "No need to be an ass about it, I just didn't want you to think I thought less of you because of it. I don't."
"Am I supposed to thank you?"
She gave him a half-hearted glare, though her tone was teasing. "A normal person might, but it's been well established that you're far from normal, so no."
"Fine, but now it's your turn to answer something."
That took her by surprise. It was rare for him to ask her something. "What do you want to know?"
"That friend of yours that died, in your first expedition, what happened?"
She swallowed. She hadn't expected this question and didn't really want to relive that. But it was only fair since she'd asked him about the Underground.
She took a deep breath before answering. "We made it through the first day, but the morning of the second day, we were surrounded. Titans everywhere. We were trying to escape, and I came across Lucy, that was her name."
Her eyes squeezed shut at the memory. "She was trying to fight a titan that was approaching her…but her gear malfunctioned. I tried to help her…but I didn't get there in time. By the time I sliced the nape, she was already in its mouth. She was still alive, but slowly bleeding out by the time the titan landed." Her eyes were open now, the pain in them evident. "She…she told me not to blame myself. I spent the next several months, as you know, doing exactly the opposite of that. It didn't help with Sherri blaming me."
"Do you still blame yourself?"
Do I?
She met his eyes. "No."
"That didn't sound convincing."
She thought for a moment. "I…I don't blame myself. But I still wonder sometimes if I could have been faster or stronger."
"No point in wondering, doesn't change the past, doesn't change what happened."
Now where have I heard that before.
She sent him a cheeky grin. "Now you're starting to sound like Erwin. Never would have pegged you for a follower."
He rolled his eyes. "Shut up."
"Ooooo, resorting to something so childish. Must have really hit a nerve." She was grateful for the chance to change the subject.
He glared at her. "You enjoy pushing people's buttons, don't you?"
"It's what I'm known for."
He huffed. "You're such a brat."
"Says the person who gave the bratty response of 'shut up.'"
"You're impossible."
She giggled. "And you're a grouch. I can keep this up all day."
An exasperated sigh escaped him. "Remind me again why I agreed to come with you?"
"Not sure, you tell me. Only you know what goes on inside that strange head of yours."
He opened his mouth as if to respond, and then closed it, face slightly flushing.
Her eyes were full of mischief at his lack of response. "Ooo, have I rendered you speechless? I mean, no surprise from the quietest person I've ever met, but even still, I'm surprised you don't have some sort of quippy, sarcastic comeback for a change."
"Fuck off."
"Ouch, must have really hit a sore spot." This time when he glared at her, she backed off. "Alright, alright, I'll stop…for now."
She only laughed when his eyes narrowed further, as if he were daring her to try that again. "You don't scare me, Levi."
He huffed again, and looked forward, effectively ignoring her, which only made her laugh harder.
The remainder of the ride was in silence, though Isa was just content to be near him. She couldn't help but replay their conversation in her head, her lip caught between her teeth as she tried to hold back a smile at the easy banter. He hadn't sounded truly annoyed at her jabs or she would have backed off sooner.
Once they'd arrived to Trost and dropped off their horses, Isa began leading him to Ethel's teashop.
As they walked through Trost, Isa couldn't help but get absorbed in the hustle and bustle again. She would have thought that she would have tired of it, but she never did. She was reminded of that festival so long ago, that last moment of happiness for her two friends before that expedition.
Even with the sadness clouding the memory, she could still feel the joy she'd felt at such a simple trip, just five people enjoying each other's company.
She watched as groups of friends roamed around, similar to her own, just enjoying the day, bringing a small smile to her face. If the couples walking around caused her the slightest hint of sadness again, she shoved it aside, ignoring it.
No use in wanting what you can't have.
Levi sighed as he walked beside her. "You're stuck in the clouds again."
"Would it kill you to let me enjoy myself?" She just barely avoided colliding with a person walking in the opposite direction.
"Would it kill you to watch where you're walking? That's the third time you've almost walked into someone."
"You seriously just repeated what I said? Such a bratty response. For someone who called me a brat, you sure are better at acting like one. I can't help it if I like to watch what's going on around me."
He huffed. "Maybe try watching what's going on in front of you."
"You're such a grouch. Can't you enjoy yourself."
"I could, but I'm too busy making sure you don't walk into a wall."
"I've managed to get by on my own this far."
"Not sure how."
"Such little faith in me."
"Give me a reason to have some and maybe I will." Despite the gruff tone, she could see the slightest glint of humor in his eyes.
She giggled, but before she could say anything else, she heard someone yell out from behind her.
"You! You little bitch!"
Isa turned, curious to see who the person was talking to, and all the blood drained from her face and her smile faded when she saw Lucy's parents standing behind her. Sherri and her parents were there too, but all she could see was Lucy's mom, who was shaking with rage, her round face that had been kind when they'd first met, was now twisted and red with fury.
This was the first time Isa was seeing Lucy's parents since their daughter's death. She hadn't seen them since they'd first met, back when she was in training.
The mother marched up to Isa, her face livid. Her husband stayed behind, not wanting to engage, though Isa didn't miss the disdainful glare he threw at her.
"You!" She seethed. "You have some nerve, little girl, showing your face here. How dare you come back here after what you did!"
Isa shrank into herself. This was the first time she was faced with a mother's wrath, and she didn't know what to do. What to say.
"Lady, I suggest you back up." Levi stepped in between Isa and Lucy's mom, arms crossed as he glared up at the woman.
She pointed a finger at Levi. "Don't think I don't know who you are, you pesky little miscreant."
She turned back to Isa. "You convinced mydaughter to join the most ridiculous branch, and now thanks to you, she's dead." A finger was shoved into Isa's face to emphasize her point but was quickly slapped away by Levi."
Isa didn't know what to say. It hadn't been her fault, right? "I…I—" Her voice cracked. Was it her fault?
My fault.
"You what! Don't you dare try to tell me it wasn't your fault!" Her voice had reached a shrill shriek, drawing the attention of onlookers, but Isa didn't notice them. Eyes wide and pained, all she saw was Lucy's mom in front of her. She couldn't even see Levi standing in between them, the woman's livid face was the only thing her mind registered.
Sherri stepped in this time, making herself another protective barrier between Isa and Lucy's mom. "Hey! It was our damn decision. Isa didn't force us to do anything. It wasn't Isa's fault that Lucy died. If you want to blame someone, blame me for not talking Lucy out of joining the scouts. But dammit, leave Isa alone, she's been through enough."
My fault.
"Bullshit! If this stupid wench hadn't filled our daughter's head with ridiculous ideations, she'd still be standing here with me, and not left out to rot in some field outside the walls."
My fault.
Isa stood, rooted in place as they argued. Breath heaving, all she could see was a face full of hatred and disgust, more than she'd ever seen directed towards her. Even Sherri's hate paled in comparison to this one. Derek's rage didn't hold a candle.
The voices around her were fading. She couldn't see anymore, darkness had draped itself over her eyes. She didn't register the mother shoving past Sherri and Levi so she could bring a hand down to slap her, or Levi's hand grabbing the arm, a menacing glare on his face. She didn't hear him warn the woman to keep her filthy hands off her.
All the healing she'd done, the acceptance that she hadn't been the cause of Lucy's death was gone in an instant, and she was spiraling. The woman's hostility had brutally pushed her off a cliff, and she could feel herself falling into an abyss deeper than she'd ever been.
She was mercilessly thrown back to that day on the expedition. Lucy's screams and cries for help echoing in her head. The blood pouring down her body as the titan bit down. The anguished groans of pain.
The despair of not being able to make it in time.
My fault.
Her skin felt hot and clammy.
My fault.
Isabel's death.
My fault.
Furlan's death.
My fault.
Sherri…she…she said she'd wished it had been me who died instead of Lucy.
But she apologized.
Did she mean it? What if she didn't mean it? Does she still blame me?
Were their deaths my fault?
If I had been able to pull away from Derek, Furlan wouldn't have sacrificed himself to save me.
If only I had been faster, I could have helped Isabel.
If only I'd been stronger, I could have saved Lucy.
But instead, I'm useless.
Pathetic.
Weak.
A disappointment.
Was I naïve to think that I could actually make a difference joining this branch? For thinking I could be worth something?
My fault.
There was a tightness in her chest, as if someone were trying to squeeze the life out of her. A chill had settled over her. Her breaths were coming in shallow pants and her head was spinning.
A worried voice snuck into the anguished depths of her subconscious. "Levi, you need to get her out of here. Now. I'll take care of Lucy's mom. Just go."
She felt a tug on her arm, but she couldn't move. Her feet had grown roots and nothing she did could urge them forward.
Lucy's mom was still screaming at her, berating her, insulting her, but none of it made it through Isa's mind. Two words were repeating themselves to her, keeping her from hearing anything else.
She barely registered someone picking her up and carrying her in their arms. The muffled sound of a heartbeat managed to filter through the buzz as her head pressed against a warm chest. The muted sound brought an inkling of her senses back to her, and a sense of safety warmed her cold body ever so slightly.
When she was set back down, her legs gave out on her, but gentle hands kept her from falling hard on the ground, instead, guiding her to a seated position.
Even though her eyes were wide, she was still having trouble seeing. Breaths were still wheezing out of her. Her hands were clenching into the gravel underneath her, trying to find something to grasp onto.
She felt a hand on her chin, pulling her face up.
"Look at me." A voice cut through the dark. She knew that voice, the usual bluntness was softer now, quieter, as if it didn't want to startle her, yet she could recognize it all the same. A beacon in the pits of despair.
She struggled to make her eyes focus on something, desperate for a lifeline to pull her from the dark chasm she'd been shoved into without warning.
Through the dark veil over her eyes, she made out the faintest hint of familiar gray flecked with blue and latched onto that.
"Look, I'm not good at the comforting thing. Just…try to breathe."
"I…I…can't…" Her breaths still came in short pants as her eyes welled.
"Yes, you can. Take a breath and hold it." The voice was curt and blunt, ordering her to do as it said.
She struggled to comply, and she somehow managed to get control over a breath, holding it.
"Now let it go."
When she exhaled, the fog over her brain began to clear, ever so slightly.
"Do it again."
She did, and as she kept going, the black canopy of despair over her eyes began to lift and she saw Levi kneeling in front of her, hand still holding her chin.
"Keep going."
As she gained more control over her breathing, the tightness in her chest began to dissipate, and her surroundings became clearer.
She realized that Levi had carried her into an empty alleyway. When she looked at the entryway, she saw people passing by on the streets of Trost, oblivious of the turmoil she'd just gone through, the pain still coursing through her.
"Hey, I didn't say you could look away." His gruff voice underlined with the slightest hint of concern drew her attention.
She brought her eyes back to him, and those blue flecks in his eyes calmed her more.
"I…I…was it my fault?"
"Was what your fault?"
"Lucy's death? Furlan's? Isabel's? Tell me Levi, do you blame me for their deaths?" Her eyes were wide, grief-stricken, full of unshed tears.
"What are you doing spewing stupid shit like that?" She heard no malice in his tone, just his usual blunt voice that somehow comforted her. His eyes were calm, and she felt…safe.
She needed to know. "Answer the question, Levi. Do you blame me? Because I wouldn't blame you if you did."
He sighed. His gaze turned direct on hers, not allowing her to look away. "Did you make Isabel take on that titan?"
"No."
"Did you cut off the straps from your gear, shove yourself into a titan, and force Furlan to play the hero?"
"No."
"Then you tell me, did you kill them?"
"No." And with that, the smallest ember of hope shined through the shadows of agony. And with any ember, all that's needed is to stoke it, and it will burst into flames.
"Say it again."
"No. I didn't kill them." The ember inside her burst into a fire and clarity broke through, defeating the darkness.
Not my fault.
"It wasn't my fault." Her voice was more certain this time.
She took another deep breath and smiled at Levi. "Thank you."
He shrugged. "Can you walk?"
"I…I think so."
She rose on shaky legs, and while Levi made no movements, she had the sneaking suspicion that he was ready to grab her should she fall.
As he started to walk, she grabbed onto his arm, stopping him. He never answered her question, and she needed to know.
It was one thing not to blame herself, but she needed to know if he blamed her.
She looked at him, meeting those mesmerizing eyes. "So, you don't blame me?"
He sighed, placing a gentle hand on her head, the warmth of it soothing her further. "You know the answer to that."
"I…I need to hear it from you. P-please." Her voice threatened to break at the fear that he blamed her.
The desperate anguish in her face must have resonated in him. He gently ruffled her hair. "No."
Relief flooded through her, and she wanted to throw her arms around him in gratitude. She held herself back. Barely. She'd embarrassed herself enough in front of him and didn't want to make it worse.
He ruffled her hair one more time before bringing his hand back down to his side, and it made her want to cry out and beg him not to stop. Oh, how she loved when he did that. The slightest bit of affection from him made her heart flutter, desperate to take flight and soar.
She'd take any bit of affection from him over the darkness she'd just escaped from. She felt pathetic with how willing she was to settle for crumbs, but she would never ask for more. She'd come too far in her friendship with him, and she wasn't going to ruin it by giving in to this pathetic crush.
Instead, she followed him, as they set about their previous path.
They made their way back onto the streets of Trost, Levi closely watching Isa from the corner of his eye for any signs of her collapsing again.
As they walked, something Levi had said finally registered in her mind.
'Look, I'm not good at the comforting thing.'
"Levi."
He hummed.
"For someone who says they aren't good at comforting people, you did alright."
He shrugged. "When Isabel was younger, she used to get worked up that way. Getting her to breathe calmed her down."
"I never would have thought she'd have issues with that." But then, when she thought about it, she was reminded of Isabel's first night, when she'd awoken to the girl's muffled cries, afraid of being alone for the first time.
Levi thought for a moment. "That girl back there, I thought she hated you. Why was she defending you?"
She looked down at her feet as they moved, not wanting to meet his eyes. "She…she apologized to me a while back."
"And you forgave her, didn't you?"
"Yes."
"Has anyone told you you're too forgiving?"
She rolled her eyes. "Has anyone told you that you act like a grouchy old man?"
He shot her an unamused look to which she returned with an innocent smile.
Isa led him to Ethel's teashop, and the familiar jangle of the bell calmed her more. Tears welled in her eyes again when she saw the older woman behind the counter, whose face immediately crinkled into an adoring smile when she saw the young woman.
She ran up to the woman, enveloping her in a fierce hug, needing the comfort of the older woman after the hell Lucy's mother had put her through.
"Dear are you alright? What happened?" Ethel's tone was surprised at Isa's desperate hug, which she returned with ease.
Isa sniffled. "I'll be okay, just…a run in with the mother of my friend that died. It didn't go well."
"Do you want to talk about it?" She looked over Isa's shoulder to the man still standing at the entryway, and a knowing light flickered in her eyes.
She shook her head. "No, it doesn't matter now, because worrying about what could have happened won't change anything. It wasn't my fault that she died, and that's all that's important."
Ethel squeezed her tighter. "I'm glad to hear you say that. I was worried you would carry that unneeded guilt forever. That type of guilt will eat away at you."
She pulled away. "I know, and I'm going to try not to let it now."
Ethel wiped at the tears on Isa's face that she hadn't even felt. "Now then. Who is this young man you've brought with you today?"
Isa flushed ever so slightly. "Umm, this is Levi. He's a…friend. He joined about a year ago and he enjoys tea, probably more than is healthy," Isa's back was to him, so she missed the glare he sent her, "so I brought him here to your shop. I thought he might find something he likes here."
Ethel gave him an appraising look before walking up to him, and drawing him into a big hug.
Isa giggled at the astonished look on Levi's face, completely taken by surprise, and completely unsure of what to do.
When he heard her giggle, his eyes narrowed at her over the older woman's shoulder, which only functioned to make her laugh more.
"It's nice to finally meet you. Isa has told me quite a bit about you."
Isa's laughter ceased and her eyes widened in horror.
She…did she? Why would she…Ethel no, don't tell him I've told you about him.
It was Isa's turn to glare at Levi when he smirked at her. "Has she now?"
Embarrassed now thanks to the older woman's admission, Isa's tone was defensive. "Yes, I've shared how much of a grumpy ass you can be." She smirked at him, as she was reminded by what she told him when she gave him the tin of tea. "She's the one who gave me the tea that's good for people with sticks shoved up their asses."
Ethel shook her head and laughed, fingers resting on the bridge of her nose. "Isa, no need to be so crass." The reprimand held no weight, only good-natured humor. "I never said anything about that tea being good for people with sticks up their ass."
"…I might have embellished a bit." The sheepish tone in Isa's voice had Ethel laughing again.
"Dear child, what am I going to do with you?" Ethel gave an amused sigh at the girl, shaking her head. "How's about we have some tea?"
Isa led Levi to the back where Ethel's little sitting room was and sat down on the couch with him.
She'd never noticed just how small the couch was until Levi sat next to her, and her heart thrummed a little faster when she noticed how close he was.
She was grateful when Ethel brought back the tea she prepared, giving her a distraction from the fact that Levi's comforting scent was wafting over to where she sat, sending prickles across her skin.
"So how are things Isa? Any expeditions coming up?" She handed both Isa and Levi a cup of tea.
"Well, we just had one a couple of months ago, but they haven't mentioned when the next one will be. Most likely soon, given how long it's been since the last one."
"I see. And how is your new squad? Your last letter mentioned you'd been moved to Erwin's squad."
"Yes, both me and Levi are in Erwin's squad now."
Ethel thought for a moment. "Let me tell you, if I were a Scout, I would not mind being on his squad. I've seen him around, and he is not hard on the eyes."
Isa gaped. "Ethel…but…you…"
Ethel chuckled at Isa's reaction. "Isa I'm old not blind. I'm not immune to finding a man attractive, and that man is attractive."
Isa didn't know how to react.
Not Ethel too! I hear this enough from my friends, but now Ethel?
"I…but…no, I'm not having this conversation. It's bad enough that Sherri and Uma want to talk about his ass and supposed sadistic nature anytime they get. I'm not going to talk about this with you." She crossed her arms over her chest, leaning back against the couch.
Ethel laughed. "I never would have expected you to be so flustered at the thought of finding a man attractive Isa."
Isa flushed. "I…I don't find him…"
"Isa, don't bother lying, you know I see right through you." Isa watched as Ethel gave an amused look at Levi. "Stop glowering Levi, you're attractive as well."
Isa froze, not sure how Levi was going to react to that. She dared a peek and was surprised to see the slightest hint of pink on Levi's cheeks, completely contrasting the glare on his face.
He completely ignored her, and simply took another sip of his tea, which only worked to make Ethel laugh. "Levi dear, I never would have pegged you for someone to get embarrassed at a compliment."
"I'm not." Isa cringed at how cold his tone was, it reminded her of how he'd been at the beginning.
Ethel laughed. "Goodness, what am I going to do with the two of you. You both clearly haven't realized that I can see right through you."
In a desperate attempt to change the subject, Isa asked, "Ethel, how's the business doing?"
Ethel gave the girl an amused glance, telling Isa she knew exactly what she was trying to do, but she thankfully complied. The three spent the rest of the afternoon talking about Ethel's teashop and Isa's new experiences in the Scouts, though, the majority of the conversation was between Isa and Ethel.
If there was one thing Ethel loved, it was hearing Isa talk about her time with her comrades and what it was like outside the walls. It reminded her of her son, and how he must have felt leaving the confines of the walls.
When they had to leave, Ethel gave each of them a tin of tea, chamomile for Isa, green for Levi.
When he made to pay for it, Ethel tutted. "Absolutely not dear, it's a gift. Enjoy it."
"Can't expect to make any money if you're constantly giving tea away."
Isa watched as Ethel patted his cheek. "You're probably right, but that's the perk of being the owner, I can do what I want with my products."
Isa rolled her eyes at Levi's rudeness, but chose to ignore it, giving Ethel a hug instead. "Thank you, Ethel. I'll come back to visit soon."
"Stay safe dear."
Isa and Levi made to walk out the door when Ethel called out. "Isa dear, you go on and wait outside, I'd like to talk to Levi here for a moment."
Isa was stunned, but didn't argue, walking out the door to wait for Levi.
When he came outside, she was quick to ask, "What did she want to talk about?"
"Nothing." The slight flush on his face told her it was something.
"Please, she wouldn't have held you back if she didn't want to talk to you about something."
"The woman is senile, how am I supposed to know why she does things?"
Isa rolled her eyes, but decided to move on, seeing as he wasn't going to tell her in any case. "I told you people can be nice, just to be nice, despite you being an insufferable ass."
When he didn't answer, she gave him a curious look. "Are you alright?"
He shrugged. "As fine as any other time."
As they left Ethel's teashop, the two walked in companiable silence. Isa had been right that Ethel would quickly understand Levi. The woman had figured him out within minutes when she herself had been spending months trying to decipher him.
And the woman hadn't even tried to divulge anything she'd discovered. Isa had hoped the woman would have been willing to give her some insight into this man.
She should have known better.