When the two arrived at Hange's office, Isa saw that Levi was already there, waiting, and it looked like he'd taken the time to clean up while he waited for them, and Isa couldn't help but smile.
Nothing will keep this man from basic hygiene and cleanliness if he can help it.
Isa followed Hange as she led her to the bed in her bedroom so that she could begin checking her wounds.
Back during training, they had learned basic first aid, enough to handle wounds such as these without having to go see a doctor, which Isa was grateful for, seeing as she didn't feel like dealing with a stranger tonight.
Hange grabbed the first aid kit all scouts kept on hand and sat on the bed next to Isa. "Do you want Levi to stay or leave?"
Levi's eyes met Isa's, silently asking her what she wanted him to do, telling her he'd do whatever she wanted.
Isa turned to Hange. "It's fine Hange, I'd feel better if he stayed, please." Knowing what was coming, Isa wanted the simple comfort that came with just his presence.
Hange nodded, and began looking over Isa, taking note of the discoloration on Isa's temple, gently poking it, checking for lumps. "You've got a bruise forming here on your head."
"That must be where she hit me to knock me out."
Hange hummed. "Any dizziness right now? Blurry vision? Headache?"
"No, nothing like that. Just some dizziness when I first woke, but not since."
"I'm going to need to check the bruises on your stomach, make sure there isn't any internal damage. You said she managed to get a few hits in."
"Yea, and I think the majority of them landed on my stomach. I guess she was hoping that if she hit the same spot over and over, I'd eventually just collapse from pain, giving her the chance to well…kill me."
Hange gently raised Isa's shirt up towards the bindings covering her flesh, wincing as she saw the dark bruises already forming on the tender flesh of her stomach.
She gently poked at some of them, guilt running through her when she saw Isa's hand clench into a fist.
"I know, I'm sorry Isa, I know it hurts."
Isa blew out a steady breath, trying to ignore the discomfort of the tender bruise being poked. "It's fine Hange, I've felt worse, don't worry about me. Just do what you need to do."
Hange looked up at Levi, leaning against the door, arms crossed, and looking as if he were about to explode at the sight of the large bruise running across Isa's stomach. Knowing he needed a distraction as much as Isa did, she called to him.
"Levi, would you mind holding Isa's hand? I think that might help distract her from the pain."
His dark gaze came to her, and she could empathize with the anger in him. She wanted to hurt Uma too, but by the looks of her nose, arm, and knee, Isa had taken care of that. She felt a surge of pride at the thought of her small friend defending herself and succeeding, like Hange had always known Isa was capable of.
When Levi walked over to stand next to where Isa lay, taking her hand, she was further comforted by its warmth, comforted in just knowing that he was right there beside her.
Isa held tight to Levi's hand as Hange prodded her stomach a bit more firmly. Some areas were more tender than others. She tried her best not to squeeze too hard, not wanting to hurt him.
"Okay, Isa, I think you're good to go here. No swelling, just some deep bruises."
When Hange rolled up Isa's sleeve to check the cut on her arm, Isa was dreading what was to come. She held still as Hange gently cleaned the cut and inspected the damage.
"The cut doesn't look too deep for the most part, and it looks like a clean one. There's one spot that looks a little deeper than the rest, so I'd still rather close it up with some stitches to be safe. We don't really have anything that'll help relieve the pain."
Isa took a breath, not looking forward to the stitches. "Just do it, Hange. I'll be okay."
Isa did her best to hold still as she felt Hange thread and pull the needle through the tender flesh in her arm, slowly closing the wound so that it could heal, though it was difficult. The sharp feel of the needle poking through her skin followed by the slide of the thread was not something she enjoyed.
Her eyes squeezed shut as she tried to keep her grip on Levi's hand loose, not wanting to squeeze too tight.
"Hey, look at me." His whispered voice wafted over her, drawing her attention to him and away from her arm.
Isa forced her eyes open to see that Levi had knelt down beside her, so his face was in front of hers, those blue eyes watching intently.
She felt his other hand come up to rest hesitantly on her head. "Don't worry about me. If you need to squeeze my hand, do it. As hard as you need to."
When Hange got to a particularly tender area of the wound, probably the deeper part, she couldn't hold back the whimper as her eyes squeezed shut again, and her hand clamped down hard on his.
"Look at me." She heard Levi's voice whisper close to her ear.
Her pain filled eyes fluttered open and saw that Levi's face was even closer to hers, and somehow, it managed to distract her from the pain.
"That's it, just keep watching me, and just keep squeezing my hand." She felt his thumb stroke lightly across her forehead.
She nodded as her lip trembled, but as she held his gaze, those beautiful blue eyes began numbing her to the pain. She didn't know how, but they were. She could see so many emotions floating in there. She was drowning in them. The feel of his hand on hers and his hand on her head as he brushed lightly across her skin were sending a languid warmth throughout her, and the pain in her eyes was pushed aside as affection filled them.
"Alright, Isa, we're all done." Hange's voice brought Isa's attention back to her, and she saw that Hange had finished with the stitches and had wrapped a bandage around it.
"Thanks, Hange."
Hange put her hand on Isa's shoulder. "No problem. We should get you cleaned up now, you're pretty gross."
Isa smirked. "Well now that's saying something, coming from you."
"That hurts, Isa." Isa couldn't help but giggle at the feigned offense in Hange's voice and the joking light in her eyes.
Hange turned to Levi. "Can you go get some clothes for her from her room? I'm going to take her into my bathroom to help her get cleaned up. She can't get the stitches wet right now."
Isa was no stranger to being naked in front of Hange. During training, the showers hadn't had any stalls like the ones on base.
The problem was, was that she would have preferred the gentleness of Levi's touch over Hange's tendency to not recognize her own strength. The irony wasn't lost on her.
But she couldn't very well say that, so she just kept quiet.
Hange helped her remove her clothes and helped her get cleaned up. Most of it, Isa could do on her own, and Hange was there to help as she needed it.
Once she'd finished, she walked out of Hange's bedroom into her office, and saw that Levi was nowhere to be found, most likely having returned to his office.
When she asked Hange if she needed her, Hange just waved her off, telling her to get some rest, and that she'd deal with Uma and Erwin.
She could tell he'd been upset. She just didn't know if he was upset with her for not being more careful around Uma or if it was something else.
Should I…should I go check on him? Or does he want to be alone?
Something spurred her to move forward, to go to him. When she got to the door of his office, it was closed. She considered knocking but thought against it, opening it slowly and stepping inside, the door clicking shut softly behind her.
He was standing in the center of his office one hand clenched in his hair, the other clenched tight at his side.
She'd never seen him so on edge before, and it worried her.
She approached him, ever so slowly and placed a hesitant hand on his shoulder and he jolted, clearly not having noticed that she was in his office.
Any other time, and she might have been amused to have caught him completely by surprise, but in that moment, all she cared about was making sure that he was okay.
He turned his head to face her, and she saw his eyes were wild with emotion as they held her gaze, more than she'd ever seen from him. She didn't know how he was still standing with all the intense emotions that must have been surging through him.
"Levi? Are you alr—"
He grabbed her as he whirled around, pulling her close, wrapping her in his arms, effectively cutting off her question as her breath huffed out from the force with which he drew her in.
She was stunned. Not counting the little side hugs, this was the first time he'd hugged her first like this, without her having to ask. And she noticed something as he held her.
He's…he's shaking. It's barely noticeable, but I can feel him trembling ever so slightly.
She brought her arms up around his neck, ignoring the light stretch and pull that came from the freshly stitched cut on her arm, one hand coming up to stroke gently at his hair, wanting to comfort.
He buried his face in her neck, hands clutching at her shirt in tight fists at her back, pulling her in tighter, as if he were afraid to let her go again.
She stroked gently at his hair as he held her. She could feel his uneven breaths tickling at her neck.
She was still stunned at the feel of him holding her as if his life depended on it. He'd never held her like this before.
"It's…it's okay, Levi, I'm here." She murmured. Her words seemed to penetrate whatever fog was muddling his brain, because she felt him relax ever so slightly as the tension subtly left his body.
His hands unclenched from her shirt as his arms moved to pull her in even tighter, one arm wrapping around so that his hand gripped gently at her waist, the other arm up and across her back so that his hand lay on her shoulder.
"I…I didn't know what to do. You were gone, out there, alone, with her, and I had no idea how to find you." His voice was shaky, she'd never heard him sound so unsteady.
She realized that for a man like Levi, who always knew what to do, what to say, to feel that uncertainty must have been beyond jarring for him.
"Shh, it's okay, I'm here now." She could feel his nose brushing against her neck, and the feel was invigorating. She could slowly feel his trembles cease and his breaths become steadier as she held him.
His voice was muffled against her neck as he breathed in her sweet, intoxicating scent, the one that always seemed to linger even after she'd left a room, memorizing it, never wanting to forget it. "If it hadn't been for your damn horse. I think you're right about them. She knew to find me, and when I hopped on, I didn't even have to tell her to move, she just did. I didn't guide her, nothing. She brought me to you."
Her eyes pricked with tears for her beautiful horse. "Don't sound so surprised. I was bound to be right about something."
A breathless chuckle escaped him, and her heart stuttered at the sound of his laugh and the feel of it against her neck.
What he did next shocked her, and her brain completely shut off.
He pulled back and cupped her face in his hands, pressing his lips to her forehead in a firm kiss, before resting his forehead on hers, fingers threading into her damp hair, blue eyes focused completely on hers. "Are you alright?"
Her eyes were wide as her heart hammered in her chest. She could feel the telltale creep of red spreading across her cheeks at what he'd just done.
She stammered, struggling to regain the ability to speak. "I…umm…I…yes." She cleared her throat. "I'm fine, Levi. I was able to defend myself thanks to you. She didn't stand a chance."
Another breathless chuckle escaped him, and her eyes widened even more.
T-two laughs in one night?
She watched as the amusement in his eyes faded as they grew intent, serious, thumb stroking her cheek. His brows furrowed as if trying to figure out how to put into words what he felt. "If something had happened to you…I…I don't know what I would have done."
She swallowed thickly at the admission, so quiet, she wondered if she'd imagined it, and at the same time, his words had her heart swelling with love. The feel of his hands on her face kneading in her hair made her want to purr.
"It's a good thing you don't have to find out." She smiled gently, reaching up to lay her hand on his that was still caressing her cheek. "I told you before, you're stuck with me."
His eyes warmed, a gentle smile crossing his lips, softer than she'd ever seen, sending a warmth washing through her.
"Pain in the ass." Instead of the teasing note that he normally used to say those words, his voice had taken a calmer tone, full of warmth, almost sounding…affectionate.
Her own smile sweetened further, eyes full of love that were caught in his mesmerizing gaze as her hand traced delicate patterns on his. "Grouchy ass."
She was trapped again, hopelessly trapped in those enchanting eyes that cast spells on her, the weight of his forehead resting gently on hers, the feel of his hand on her face, his fingers in her hair, his thumb stroking her cheek were all sending tingles washing through her.
His nose was brushing up against hers, and she reveled in the feel of every point of contact between the two of them. It sent a warm feeling of pure contentment flowing through her that she wanted to hold tight to and never let go.
His lips were, once again, mere centimeters from hers, his soft breath mingling with hers and she wanted nothing more than to finally close the distance, to finally know the truth, but something kept holding her back. She desperately wanted to put her trust in her friends, but she was afraid of being wrong and of not being enough.
All those deep-rooted insecurities, the ones that had been festering since childhood, were preventing the confidence she'd felt from her fight with Uma from transferring over into other parts of her life.
She desperately wished that if he did want her, he would do something, so that the sheer agony of not knowing could end.
'As if he'd ever want someone as plain and pathetic as you.'
Dammit Uma, how did you manage to latch on to such a deep-rooted insecurity?
And how does it always happen just when I'm starting to hope again?
A loud scream filled the air, followed by Hange's enraged voice, shattering the moment. "That's right bitch, relish in the pain. We've got to set your knee back in place next. Consider this payback for the hell you've put Isa through, though it's not nearly enough."
Isa laughed. "I think Hange is enjoying that a bit more than she should."
"She deserves it."
Isa looked down at the ground, chewing at her lip.
"What?"
She shrugged. "I…I don't know, I just…I understand what she was feeling." She brought her eyes back to his, begging him to understand what she meant. "I don't agree with what she did for obvious reasons. But…she was grieving because her mother was sick and dying and latched on to me as an outlet for it."
He gave her a sharp look. "I'd better not be about to hear you say you're going to forgive her."
She raised her brow in defiance. "Not that it's your choice, but no, I'm not forgiving her."
"Good." He looked satisfied with her answer.
Her brows furrowed as she tried to put into words what she'd seen while fighting Uma. "It's just…I understand. That anger? I felt it that day when I read her note saying she'd sent Ethel to her death. I wanted to find whoever was doing this to me and tear them apart limb from limb. She let her anger and grief consume her."
Her lips curled into a gentle smile at the reminder of all he'd done for her. "But I think that's because she didn't have a sweet, grouchy grump to pull her back."
Her eyes warmed with affection as she brought her hand still threaded in his hair to his cheek, thumb stroking lightly, her other hand still resting on his. She watched as his eyes darkened, holding her captive.
"You pulled me back, Levi." Her voice was a hushed whisper. "If you hadn't, I probably would have lost myself to that anger, that rage, that grief."
Her eyes, though still full of affection, held the slightest hint of shame at what she had felt when she'd broken. "In that moment, I wanted the person writing those notes to suffer, like I'd suffered, and I didn't care what I had to do to get there, didn't care what I would need to do to hurt them, the way they'd hurt me. I don't know what would have happened if you hadn't brought me back, Levi. Everything you did for me, brought me back."
She placed a tender kiss on his cheek, thumb stroking over the skin lightly, as if to seal it. "Thank you, Levi. For everything, for being there for me. For being the sweet, grouchy ass grump that you are."
She brushed at the bangs on his forehead, and watched as his eyes closed, with what she thought might almost be a content look on his face, but she couldn't be sure. "I wouldn't change you for anything."
His eyes opened again, full of a warmth she'd never seen from him before that had her breath hitching and her heart thrumming as he held her gaze.
'A man's eyes never lie.'
His only response was to place another kiss on her forehead, this one gentler than the last, a whisper of butterflies across her skin.
When he pulled her in close again, she realized something.
She realized that that had not been the first time she'd felt that feather light sensation akin to the feel of a butterfly that sent tingles washing across her skin.
She held him tighter, her face buried in his neck, breathing in the scent that was inexplicably Levi that always soothed her and made her feel safe.
I love you, Levi. Maybe…maybe one day I'll be strong enough to tell you. You deserve all the love in the world, every single bit of it, but…I just, I can't, I'm not ready to tell you, I'm too afraid.
She lost track of how long she held him, of how long he held her. Not wanting to let go, and it felt as if he didn't either with the way his arms were wrapped around her, no longer awkward, now certain and sure.
She didn't know that it had been his desperate need to hold her again that had finally overridden his awkwardness in the act. Just as Isa took a first step towards confidence that night, Levi took a first step towards becoming more comfortable, less hesitant with affection.
She could feel the muscles in his arms as they held her, the strength in them enough to take down titan after titan, to take down countless enemies, yet they held her with such tenderness, the same sweetness he'd used to take care of her that night after Ethel died.
She could feel the rise and fall of his chest with each passing breath, a gentle reminder that he was alive and here with her.
She could feel his hand cradling the back of her head, fingers threaded into her hair once more, once again filling her with the need to do nothing but purr in complete bliss.
She could feel his cheek resting on the side of her head, as if he wanted to have as much contact with her as possible.
She could feel his legs brushing against hers with how close they were, bodies practically flush against each other, sending a steady hum throughout her.
I could stay like this, forever.
She reluctantly pulled back, still not wanting to let go, and the way his arms held tight made her wonder if he didn't either. "I…I should probably go get some rest. I don't think being kidnapped and almost murdered counts as an excuse to miss training."
Before she could move, he'd picked her up, cradling her against his chest, carrying her to his room and setting her gently on his bed.
Eyes wide, she watched in stunned silence as he removed his shoes and laid down behind her.
Her heart hammered in her chest when he wrapped his arm around her waist, drawing her close.
"Is…is this alright?" She thought his voice sounded hesitant, as if uncertain if he should have done this.
She looked over her shoulder to see his head hovering over hers, intent eyes watching her, full of emotions she still didn't know how to read. She swallowed thickly, heart flipping in her chest as she nodded slowly. "Y-yes."
Before she could turn back to face forward, he gently brushed the hair out of her face, leaning in to place a tender kiss on the bruise that had formed where Uma had hit her with the butt of her knife to knock her out, stroking at it lightly.
A shiver ran down her spine as her breath hitched, heart thrumming even faster. She watched him with wide eyes, cheeks flushing, unsure of what she was supposed to do, of what he wanted her to do.
She was caught in his gaze again, his eyes asking her questions she still didn't know how to decipher, still didn't know how to answer. She could feel his fingers still brushing lightly at the bruise, as if he wished to erase it from her skin.
Could he?
She wished she had more courage when it came to this. She wanted that surge of confidence she'd felt when she fought Uma, the one that had made her feel powerful, as if she were capable of anything. It had been so addicting, and she wished she knew how to transfer that confidence from then to now, to this very moment, so that she could finally give into her desires and just try, to take that risk.
Any other woman would be able to reach up and pull his head down and take what she wanted.
'As if he'd ever want someone as plain and pathetic as you.'
But she was still afraid, afraid of messing up, of not being good enough, of being a disappointment, of being wrong to even consider listening to everyone who kept telling her that he cared for her as more than a friend.
She may have now felt confident in her skills, but she was as timid as ever when it came to muddling her way through romance and desire.
Swallowing thickly, she turned to face forward again, desperate to hide her reaction to him, and just let him hold her close.
'Just don't let your worry hold you back from doing the things you want to do.'
Armin…I wish it were that easy.
She was surrounded by him, his arm around her waist, hand resting lightly on her stomach, mindful of the tender bruise, his chest pressed against her back. His other arm had come to rest underneath her head, his hand now lay in front of her.
She wondered what it would be like if his hand drifted further down.
Goosebumps washed across her skin as she felt his feather light breaths against the back of her neck.
She could feel the front of his legs against the backs of hers, sending a rush through her system as the blood in her veins grew hot. If she were to shift her hips any further back, she'd be seated right against him.
The thought had her core pulsing in desperation, something sensual inside her daring her to do it, to take that chance, and her legs involuntarily shifted against each other ever so slightly, as if that was supposed to relieve the tension.
What am I supposed to do? This…this is different from that night after Ethel's death. I was too overcome by grief to feel anything else, but now, now all I feel is him.
Should I have kissed him earlier? Is that what he wanted me to do? Is that what he was asking?
How is it that other women know what to do in these situations? Is it from experience? Instinct?
I never got the chance to experience anything romantic that normal teenagers get to experience, so I never know what to do, I never know how to read the situation, I never know how to read him.
I never know whether or not I'm imagining these things or if it's actually as it seems. Actually as I think.
How am I supposed to know for sure without having to take that risk?
Is my struggle because of that or is it just me?
Is it really like Ethel and Hange said, and it's my fear blinding me?
Her heart fluttered when his hand left her waist to trace up her arm, stroking lightly at the bandage covering the stitched-up flesh where Uma had cut her, before coming back to rest on her stomach.
She took a deep breath, before moving her hand down to lay on top of his, her other hand hesitantly going to the one in front of her face. A rush went through her when he turned his hand over, linking his fingers with hers.
What she had first thought were only nerves jangling in her stomach, she realized was actually a combination that included excitement. The nerves were still there, but she felt…giddy at the feel of him holding her so close.
But…is he…is he holding me because he wants to? Or is he holding me because he thinks I want him to, like I did that night after Ethel died?
And…when he kissed my forehead, he's done that before, only…I didn't realize it then.
'Tell me Isa, how are your interactions with him? Does he find random reasons to touch you?'
She thought back to the way he stroked her cheek, brushed at her hair, ruffled her hair. All those gentle touches.
Could he?
Her breath hitched at the possibility as she looked at where her hand held his, as she focused on the feel of him surrounding her, the endless warmth, the endless safety, the endless strength.
'I think he feels more for you than just friendship.'
Is it just my imagination? But…he was never like this with Furlan or Isabel, and they were as close as you could get to him. He doesn't act this way with anyone else but me.
She thought back to her two friends, and his relationship with them. They'd been close, but only she got to see this soft side of him.
She thought back to how he'd kissed her forehead, to the way he'd held her, taken care of her after Ethel died, all he'd done for her.
Maybe?
The feel of his hand on her stomach, his chest on her back had the rush growing even hotter. She was almost tempted to give in to what she wanted and push away her fears and just finally try. Almost, except…
'I can tell he sees you as a good friend. As if he would ever want someone as plain and pathetic as you.'
That damn thought kept plaguing her, keeping any surge of confidence at bay. She didn't know how to get rid of it.
Anytime she came close to hoping, anytime she came close to thinking he did want more with her, anytime she came close to finally acting, that thought came to mind, the one, courtesy of Uma, that had latched its roots into her that day after she'd kissed him, and then grown and festered, only to be fueled by Uma's new words.
How do I know who to believe?
'Stop asking questions you know the answer to.'
But I don't know if I know the answer to these questions, Levi. And I don't know how to ask you. Sometimes I think I know, sometimes I feel like…but I…I don't want to mess something up…I don't want to disappoint you if I end up not being what you want.
"I'm sorry." His hand had come back to the bandage on her arm, stroking ever so lightly.
That took her by surprise, pulling her from her spinning thoughts. She looked back at him over her shoulder. "Why are you sorry?"
She thought his eyes held the slightest bit of guilt that she hated seeing. There was no reason for it.
"That this happened to you."
She didn't like the way he looked so…sad. It wasn't right. He may be grouchy and grumpy, but sad just wasn't right for him.
She flipped over in his arms, brow furrowed as she met his eyes with her stern gaze. "Now you listen to me, Levi. This wasn't your fault." She emphasized her words with a poke to his shoulder.
His hand had settled onto her waist, the warmth of his hand thrilling her. "I know. But if I had been more persistent about Uma, then maybe this wouldn't have happened."
"Who is it who's always telling me that there's no point in wondering, because it doesn't change the past and it doesn't change what happened?"
He just stared at her.
She cupped his face in her hands, keeping his gaze on hers. "Levi, listen to me. It's thanks to you that I was even able to take her on. If you hadn't been training me, I would have never been able to defend myself. All that matters is that I'm here, I'm alive, and I'm safe. And most of that, is thanks to you."
One of her hands came up to brush through the thick raven strands on his head, and his blue eyes deepened at the act, boring into hers. "You know what was running through my mind the entire time I was fighting Uma? Everything you taught me, your words kept running through my mind, guiding me. That was all you, Levi. I may have done the fighting, but you guided me every step of the way."
His hand came up from her waist to lay on the side of her head, grazing lightly at the moonlit cast shadows on her cheek as she watched as the traces of guilt began to fade from his eyes.
Her hand came back down to circle his face in warmth and affection, thumb brushing gently across the shadows under his eyes. "I'm not going to let you go down that path of blaming yourself. I forbid it. I've been there, and it's not fun, and it's hard to get out."
Her eyes held a sad light as she remembered how long she'd blamed herself for Lucy's death. "It starts off with wondering if you could have done something differently, and then it grows into something worse, and the roots of doubt take hold and grow and fester until it's consuming you. You don't deserve that. Please Levi, don't…don't blame yourself."
His hand moved from her face to encircle her wrist, thumb stroking at her hand that lay gently on his face as his lips curved into a small smile. "I won't."
An affectionate smile crossed her face. "Good, I'd prefer you to be a grouchy ass than a mopey ass. Then we definitely couldn't be friends."
She giggled when he flicked her forehead. "Such a pain in in the ass. You seem to like that name though, so I'm going to need to find something else to call you."
She poked at his shoulder, smirking at him. "You could call me by my name."
His lips twitched in humor as he poked her forehead. "You're one to talk."
She propped her head up on her hand, enjoying the feel of his face looking up at hers. "Who started it?"
"At this point, I honestly don't know, but most likely you, being the pain in the ass that you are."
She rolled her eyes chuckling. "If it really bothered you that much, you wouldn't hang around me all the time."
He raised a brow at her in amusement. "Maybe I just don't want to deal with the hassle of someone new. Most people I find annoying."
She poked at his shoulder again. "Admit it, I'm just fun to be around."
"Now who's the modest one?"
"Must be from hanging around you so much. Next thing you know I'm going to be walking around with a surly 'fuck you' expression on my face." She let a mock glower take over her face as she teased him.
"Pain. In. The. Ass." Each word was emphasized by a hard flick to her forehead.
She couldn't stop the laugh that escaped her. "Maybe, but you wouldn't have me any other way."
The corner of his mouth quirked up, eyes lit with amusement, but she didn't catch that they were also lit with the warmth from earlier. "You may be right about that."
A satisfied smirk crossed her lips. "Twice in one night. Was bound to happen, I couldn't be wrong about everything all the time."
"So modest."
"Such a grouchy ass."
"Better than a pain in the ass."
She blinked at him. "Wait, that's my line."
He hummed in amusement. "I think I like it better, I might keep it."
"Fine, then I get to flick your forehead."
She lifted her hand to flick his forehead, but he stopped her with his hand. "Nope."
A pout crossed her lips in mock offense. "You're no fair."
The corner of his lip quirked up. "You knew that from the start."
She let her head lay back against his shoulder, pulling her hand back down. "Fine. You win grouchy ass. But I get to keep my line."
"So be it." She could hear the amusement in the voice, and she loved how only she got to see this side of him.
She lay there, enjoying the sound of his muffled heartbeat in her ear, the warmth of his hand back on her waist.
She wanted to just stay there forever, surrounded by him. His other arm was still underneath her and had curled up so that his hand lay gently on her shoulder. She wanted him to hold her like this whenever she wanted, and not just when something terrible had happened.
She just wanted to be with him.
She loved spending time with him, whether it be in silence like this, sharing banter with him, anything. Each time he held her, each time he joked with her, each time she noticed something new about him, the love she felt for him grew and deepened.
She knew there were things about him that she didn't know, just as there were things about her that he didn't know. But to her, that didn't matter. She felt that you could know a person, who they were, even without necessarily knowing every detail of their past.
She wondered if there would ever be a day where she'd feel confident enough to take that risk. The surge of confidence she'd felt earlier had been completely new, she'd never felt anything like it, and it gave her hope that maybe one day she would.
Except, she feared that by the time she did, she may be too late. There may be a day where another woman comes into his life, taking her from him before she ever had the chance to know, to try.
She wanted that confidence back, but she didn't know how to get it. She struggled with understanding how it was that other women were able to be so confident in their interactions with men, in knowing how to read them.
She'd seen the way the women around the base flirted with the men, batting their eyelashes, twirling their hair around their fingers. It worked for them, but somehow, she knew she'd feel ridiculous to even try it.
She could only imagine Levi's confused reaction if she did something like that. He'd probably be annoyed and tell her to stop being an idiot, considering that's how all his adoring fans acted with the Captain Levi.
A smile crossed her face at the reminder of how Levi's words had played through her mind, guiding her. If she hadn't been training with him, she knew she most likely would not be alive in this very moment.
As she lay there, a thought, a memory of what happened during her fight, came to mind, one that she was not proud of and had her smile fading.
"I did like you told me, Levi. I worked to get under her skin, so that I could have an edge on her, except…" She chewed at her lip.
"What?"
She raised herself back up on her forearm and looked down on his face, the light squeeze of his hand on her waist and his calm eyes silently encouraging her to continue. "I…I don't like something I said to her. I…I was taunting her, the way she tried to taunt me. I realized that she didn't like me talking about her mother, so I latched onto that. She told me I was the reason her mother died. I told her that I'd worked hard for my place after training."
Shame filled her eyes at the reminder of what she'd said. "And then…I told her that she was the reason her mother died. I can't help but feel ashamed of it, because I know what that doubt feels like."
It was what she'd noticed in the way Uma responded to her taunt that truly troubled Isa. "And, the way she reacted? It made me think she'd already thought that about herself and I just made it worse."
"It doesn't matter." His voice held that blunt, matter of fact tone that Isa admired and loved. "In a life-or-death situation, when someone is threatening you, you do what you need to do to survive. She's the one who put you in that position, and it's not your fault for surviving."
"But…that's what she tried to do to me. All her notes? She wanted me to blame myself, and I did. Me doing that, doesn't that make me like her?"
"You know the answer to that." He watched her with those patient eyes, wanting her to come to the answer herself.
She avoided his gaze, still uncertain. "I…I feel like…no."
"Exactly." He placed a hand under her chin to gently pull her gaze to his. "The fact that you're even questioning what you told her, what you did, that you didn't like it, tells me that you're nothing like her. Because I guarantee she isn't questioning that."
She fought back a yawn, comforted by his words that confirmed what she'd already known. "You're right as always, Levi."
"I know."
The yawn she'd been trying to hold back escaped her, the fatigue from the day beginning to show.
Levi smirked at her, shoving his hand in her face, pushing her head back down eliciting rolling giggles from her. "Go to sleep. Since you seem to be handling yourself, I'm going to start holding back less and less in our training."
She groaned. "Is that even possible? How much are you even still holding back?" Her voice had taken an incredulous tone at the thought.
"You'd be surprised." She could hear the amusement that had returned to his voice, see it in his eyes as he raised his head to look down at her.
She crossed her arms and pouted, though she was finding it harder and harder to keep her eyes open. "Great. Just when I thought I was actually making progress."
He brushed the hair out of her face. "You are. You did good today." She thought he sounded…proud, and that had a rush of joy coursing through at the thought, knowing he wouldn't have said it, if he didn't mean it.
A heavy-eyed, content look crossed her face as she struggled to stay awake. "I chose to fight, Levi. And…and I won. I'm not weak." Drowsiness was taking over her voice.
His thumb traced across her cheek lightly, his voice holding an affectionate note that she didn't catch. "You never were."
A sleepy smile crossed her face as her eyes drooped shut. "Thanks Levi."
"Sleep Isa, I'm right here."
This time, when he drew her in close, wrapping her tight in his arms, and she felt that feather light sensation on her forehead, she knew what it was, and a tranquil sigh escaped her as she drifted off, snuggling closer to him.
As Levi lay awake listening to the sounds of Isa's hushed breaths of sleep, he couldn't help but think about everything that had happened that day, fingers threaded gently in her hair, relishing in the feel of the soft, silky strands.
He'd never felt sheer terror like that before. Even on that first expedition, when he'd realized his mistake, this fear had been different. It had shaken him down to his very core. The mere idea, the mere thought of something happening to Isa had filled him with an icy dread that he hadn't warmed from until he'd finally held her safe in his arms.
The relief he'd felt when he'd seen she was alive had practically taken him to his knees. If it hadn't been for years of practice in containing himself and his emotions, he would have collapsed at her feet and begged her to never scare him like that again.
Along with the dread, he'd felt a resurgence of an icy fury he hadn't felt for a long time at this point.
He'd felt it back in the Underground when Erwin had captured him, Isabel, and Furlan, and Mike had shoved his face into a puddle of sewer water.
He'd felt it after Isabel and Furlan had died, and Erwin had told him that he'd known about their deal the entire time.
He'd felt it when he'd seen Isa pressed up against the wall by that swine who had been trying to take something from her that she wasn't willing to give him. He'd seen plenty of men like that in the Underground, heard how they'd treated his mother, and he'd wanted to tear the man apart limb from limb for daring to put his filthy hands on her.
But he hadn't felt that icy rage since Isa had managed to break through to him, and she'd brought him a peace he hadn't felt in a long time, wasn't sure he'd ever felt. And the thought of someone trying to take her from him, of someone just trying to hurt her for some bullshit plot for vengeance had brought back that iciness.
He hadn't even noticed her come into his office. He'd left Hange's office to take a moment so he could try to settle the cold fury before seeking her out so he could just hold her. The relief flowing through him had been trying to force out the remaining vestiges of that dread, the desperation, the rage, the fear of what could have happened.
He hadn't sensed her presence until he'd felt her light, hesitant hand on his shoulder, asking him if he was alright, and after holding back the urge to hold her all night, he'd finally given in and pulled her close so he could feel that she was safe and alive, so he could breathe in her delicate, sweet feminine scent, so he could feel her breaths against him.
She always did that. Even if she was the one hurting, even if she was the one in pain, she always found it in herself to care more for the well-being of others. He'd seen it before.
That day when she'd shown him those letters and offered to help him with his reading skills, despite the fact that she'd just lost two people who were incredibly close to her, despite the fact that someone was hellbent on breaking her.
When she'd forgiven Sherri despite how badly she'd treated her, despite how much she'd hurt her, simply because she didn't want her friend to suffer.
The fact that she'd been able to empathize with Uma, just because she'd experienced that anger that had been consuming her.
When Hange had been stitching her arm and she'd tried to keep her grip loose on his hand, even though he knew she'd been in pain.
He didn't understand how someone who'd gone through the things she had, could be so compassionate, so caring with others, even when she had her own fresh wounds. But it was something else about her that pulled him to her, though at times, it frustrated him.
He wanted her to think about herself, to put herself first. He didn't understand why she was always so hesitant to put what she wanted first.
And the warmth in her eyes when she'd told him that he'd been the one who'd pulled her out of that rage she'd felt when she'd found out how that old woman had ended up being sent outside the walls. He could drown in that warmth, could stare at her eyes for years and never tire.
He'd been afraid for her both that day when she'd been full of a rage he hadn't known she possessed, and the day before. As soon as he'd seen the older woman approach, he'd known. He'd known that she wouldn't make it outside the walls, and he'd known that it would hit Isa hard.
He just hadn't realized how hard.
He'd expected her to grieve, to mourn, but he hadn't expected to see her hunched into herself in Luna's stall. It had brought back an all too painful memory of himself, and he'd hated seeing that look on her. It wasn't just the half-dead look, but the defeated look, that helpless look that comes from too much loss, pain, and suffering.
The relief he'd felt that day at the old woman's grave, when her eyes had finally warmed again, until tonight, he'd never felt relief like that. Just seeing those eyes lose that chilly grief, he'd known Isa was back.
Earlier, when she'd almost left to go back to her room, he hadn't been ready to let her go, and it had felt as if she hadn't wanted to go either.
He'd needed to keep holding her, needed to know that she was still here, terrified that if she left he'd never see her again. And when he'd set her down on his bed and she'd watched him with those eyes…and then when he'd laid down behind her, it had felt so…right for her to be in his arms again.
He didn't understand how something so simple could feel so right.
He hadn't known what had compelled him when he'd leaned up to kiss the bruise on her face. Something about her made him calmer, gentler, made him want to do all the things she did to him, hold her, stroke the smooth skin of her cheek, stroke her hair, stroke the surprisingly soft skin of her hands.
He didn't understand how her hands managed to remain so soft when they were constantly using maneuvering gear.
For a second, the way she'd stared at him with those warm eyes, filled with something akin to desire, it had looked like she'd wanted more, just like he wanted more, and the mere thought, the hope that had filled him had taken his breath away.
But then she'd turned back around, and he'd thought maybe he'd misread her.
Except, it hadn't been the first time he'd seen that look on her face.
When he'd been promoted to Captain, that night when she'd hugged him, he'd been about to kiss her, he could still feel her soft, shaky breaths as he'd leaned closer, and if it hadn't been for Hange, he would have. She'd had that same look then.
That night at the tavern after she'd kissed him, he'd seen it then too. And later that night, when he'd let his forehead rest on hers, and she'd looked up at him with those captivating eyes that always trapped him.
That day when he'd taken her to see that old woman's grave and she'd stared up at him as her head lay against his shoulder.
Except for that first night, she always turned away, and he didn't know why.
When he'd taken her to the old woman's grave and she'd tilted her head up as it lay against his shoulder to look at him and her eyes had fluttered shut, he hadn't been able to resist the urge to kiss her forehead.
When her eyes had opened again, there had been a shining warmth in them that he'd never seen directed towards him before. It was different than their normal warmth. It had been so sweet and beautiful and had made his breath catch as something warm had spread through him, something he felt too often when around her.
And the feeling was addicting.
But he was never sure what she wanted, if she wanted anything more from him. For someone as open as she was, he found her incredibly hard to read most of the time.
Normally he was perceptive and read people easily, but for some reason, with her, he couldn't. He couldn't figure out what it was she wanted.
And so as she slept, safe once again beside him, he made a decision, another silent promise to her.
He'd made a promise to her a few weeks ago, that he'd be there for her, however she needed. If all she needed from him was to hold her and be her friend, then he'd do that.
He wouldn't push her or ask her for anything more if it wasn't what she wanted. She'd been through too much these past few weeks, and he didn't want to cause her anymore stress. He refused to be like those men in the Underground who forced women to do what they wanted.
He didn't want to do anything that would bring back that half-dead look in her eyes. He'd rather throw himself into a titan than see that look on her face again. If she didn't feel for him as he did for her, he knew she'd only feel guilt at not being able to return whatever it was that he always felt coursing through him.
Besides, he didn't know if it was fair to ask her for more when he himself didn't even understand everything he felt.
Some things he recognized.
Desire.
This wasn't the first time he'd felt desire for a woman, but this desire was different, it wasn't just physical desire, it was deeper, more intense than anything he'd ever felt.
She was beautiful, there was no denying that, he'd seen that on that very first day. But again, it wasn't just her physical beauty. Her whole being was so full of life and joy, and it was as if it called out to some long-buried part of him.
That one taste of her he'd had on the night of her birthday had left him aching for more, but again, she always turned away.
That day when she'd had him sit in Luna's stall while she drew him, and it had been so unnerving to have her take in all his features, her gaze traveling down his body as she drew, brows furrowed as she took in every detail, had had him shifting as he sat, struggling to control his reaction as thoughts and images of her filled his mind, which he'd managed…barely.
The fact that just her looking at him could draw that kind of reaction was proof at how deep this desire went. That had never happened before.
Protectiveness.
This wasn't the first time he'd felt the need to protect people.
He'd wanted to protect his mother but hadn't been able to. He'd been too young and inexperienced, with no way of giving her what she needed to survive.
Furlan, Isabel, his two best friends that he'd swore he'd protect, and they'd put their trust in him. But he'd made the wrong choice and hadn't been able to do so.
But this was also different, ran deeper than the desire he'd felt to protect his friends. He felt an urge to keep her protected, to keep her safe. No matter what. No matter the cost.
But he also knew that she was more than capable of taking care of herself. He'd seen her strength, the proof in how much she had was in how she'd fought back against Uma tonight. He would always stay by her side to keep her safe, but he would never overshadow her own strength.
Admiration.
Despite her fears, she never hesitated to protect the ones she cared about. The way she'd defended Isabel against that man in Trost, without hesitation. She'd stepped in before anyone had had the chance to react, himself included.
Despite her insecurities, there were times where she found courage to stand up for herself. The way she'd stood up to Mark after he called her such a vile name and he'd wanted to rip the man's tongue out. He didn't understand why people would ever degrade any woman that way, much less someone like Isa.
The way she'd stood up to Shadis when he'd told her she wasn't special. Levi knew that man couldn't have been more wrong. Isa was special. She had a determined nature that was stronger than anything he'd ever seen in a person. She was more than capable outside the walls. He'd seen how she maneuvered with her gear, so fluid, her movements so smooth and sure.
The way she chose to fight, even when she was terrified. That day when the old woman had showed up. That day when she'd shown him the notes. The way she'd fought today. Underneath the relief of seeing her alive, he'd felt a sense of pride in seeing how she'd handled Uma. She was a fighter, he just didn't think she saw it yet.
Empathy.
When he'd seen her in Luna's stall, broken, with that lifeless look in her eyes, he'd been filled with that same empathy he'd felt when he'd came across Isabel in the Underground, but even then, it was still different.
He'd wanted to do everything he could to help her in whatever way she needed, to do whatever he could to wipe away that look on her face, to do whatever he could to help her grieve, to bring her back to him, to bring peace to her the way she had to him after Furlan and Isabel had died.
It was the other emotions, the gentler ones, that he didn't understand, didn't know the names for. The ones that sent a warmth through him anytime she looked up at him while leaning against him, anytime he held her close, whenever he saw that sweet, peaceful look she only got around her horse, whenever he was just near her, thought of her.
Those emotions, he didn't know what they were, and he wasn't sure he was ready to figure those out.
He'd felt it when he'd asked her why she wasn't afraid of him.
'You don't hurt people because you like to. I've never given you a reason to hurt me, so I have no reason to be afraid.'
Most people he came across were afraid of or intimidated by him. But not her. Even when he'd tried to intimidate her, she'd never looked at him with fear. If anything, she'd either looked at him with curiosity or amusement or defiance if he'd really pushed her.
He'd felt it that night of his 'birthday,' when she'd given him that drawing of his mother.
He felt it just listening to her talk about anything that was on her mind, and the way she didn't care if he didn't have much to say back.
He'd felt it that day when she'd offered to answer any questions he had about her, simply because she wanted to know more about him. Not many people wanted to know him. They were either terrified of him or they glorified him, but didn't care about him.
But he still didn't understand what that warmth was, those feelings, those sensations.
Besides, even if he did understand what he felt for the woman lying beside him, she may not feel the same.
So if all she needed from him was his friendship, and to hold her when she needed him to, then he'd give that to her, with no hesitation.
He looked down at her watching how peaceful she looked as she slept. An uncertain hand came up to brush away the hair that had fallen into her face. As he did, she curled up closer to him, her hand coming to rest on his chest above his heart, and that same warm feeling spread throughout him, centering from where her hand lay on his chest.
What is this?
He drew her closer, allowing himself to slowly drift off, the sweet smell that was so inexplicably Isa wafting over him, bringing him a sweet comfort he only felt around her. The last time he'd held her while she slept, he'd slept better than he had in years. It still wasn't much sleep, but he'd felt rested. Something about her made him feel at peace.
'I know you care for her.'
I do… but, I don't even know what that means. I cared about Isabel, and I cared about Furlan…but this…this is different. I don't know what this is.
'I know you don't see it, but you're good for her.'
He didn't know what the old bat had been talking about. She must have been senile to think a man like him would possibly be good for someone like Isa.
What could a cold, abrasive man like me from the Underground possibly have to offer the determined, strong, sweet, beautiful woman lying beside me?
A/N: Thanks for reading! :)