CW: Scene of sexual assault in this chapter.
The next week, Isa spent the majority of her free time at night in Levi's office, reading as much as she could on the legal process within the walls, preparing herself so she would know what to expect in Derek's trial.
Levi's position gave him access to old case files, and he'd requested as many assault cases as possible, which she gratefully devoured.
She enjoyed his quiet presence as she did her research. He would usually sit at his desk filling out his own papers while she sat on the small couch he had, feet curled up underneath her.
Sometimes he sat with her, arm draped over the couch behind her, as she went over any new information she'd found.
She appreciated when he brought her tea, even if he had to practically shove it in her face for her to register that it was even there, so engrossed in the files she was, but her research did give her a good perspective on what to expect.
Based on what she read, there would be a jury and a judge present during the trial. At the end, the jury would give their opinion on whether or not the defendant is guilty, but the judge had the final decision, and would determine sentencing.
The prosecutor would go through the witnesses and present any evidence, though, in her case, there was no evidence, just hers and Levi's testimonies.
The defendant could either bring a lawyer or defend themselves, and Isa knew that Derek would be bringing his own lawyer.
According to the notice Erwin had given her, the trial would take two days, with Levi and Derek being questioned the first day, followed by herself on the second day.
She wasn't fond of the idea of having to share these experiences in front of a room full of strangers, but if it meant the possibility that Derek would be locked up, then she'd do it.
Just the thought of being in the same area as him had her holding back the urge to vomit. He would thankfully be detained when not in the courtroom, but just the thought of seeing him again had her skin crawling with the reminder of what he'd done to her.
She was grateful that Levi would be there. She didn't think she would be able to go through this alone. His quiet promise telling her he'd always be beside her had filled her with a warmth that she always felt around him.
One thing that gave her the upmost hope, was who the judge would be. The judge was an older woman specializing in sexual assault cases, and as Isa looked through old case files, she found that the judge had a tendency to side with the victim.
More often than not, she'd fall asleep in Levi's office, eyes long having grown tired from the constant reading coupled with her regular daily routine. There were times where she'd wake up in Levi's bed, the morning sun filtering through the window. Other times, she'd wake up on his couch, a blanket draped over her and a pillow under her head.
The thought of him doing those things warmed her, but she couldn't help but hear Nifa's voice, the conversation she'd had with her friends sat in the back her mind. She hadn't had much time to consider their words, though, parts of what they'd told her would trickle through leaving her feeling hopeful and terrified, her insecurities resurfacing.
'You guys are basically a couple without the sex.'
Is she right? But how do I know that she's right and this isn't just him being helpful? A good friend?
Once again she was taken back to how he'd acted with Furlan and Isabel. He'd clearly cared about the two, but the things he did with her, he'd never done with them. He'd never kiss Isabel's forehead or hugged Furlan.
The sweetness he allowed her to see, she didn't think he'd ever shown them. Isabel had always said he had a gentler side, but Isa didn't think Isabel had ever seen this side of him. The side that held her, stroked her cheek, rested his forehead on hers.
I...I want to believe them, more than anything, but the thought of being wrong horrifies me.
If they're right, and he does want more, then why hasn't he done anything?
Is Hange right and I just haven't noticed? But then what is it that he's done that's supposed to have shown me?
The way he holds me?
The forehead kisses?
The almost...affectionate touches?
But...then why hasn't he done anything more?
Hange says I have to make the move, but...I don't know if I can.
'I think the guy may be confused about what you want.'
She wasn't sure how that could be possible. Sometimes she felt as if she were obvious with her feelings. There were times where she couldn't control the love in her eyes, or the flushes in her cheek from the simplest of touches.
Nanaba had asked her if she'd called him a friend or told him she appreciated his friendship, which she had, and she could see why that could possibly cause an issue. At the time though, she wasn't sure why it would have been so bad for her to tell him that. In that moment, she'd truly needed him to understand how much she valued him, as a person.
'I wonder if he feels that he doesn't deserve someone like you.'
She didn't know why Hange thought he felt that way. Sure he came from the Underground, but so did she. She'd never given him any indication that she judged him, she'd never treated him poorly, even at the start. She'd been defiant and unafraid, but she'd never acted as if he were less than simply because of where he came from.
She remembered that Hange had mentioned that he was surly, crude, and abrasive, and while that was true, he was so much more than that. He had a sweet side that he didn't let just anyone see. It was that part of him that held her, that let her hug him, that gave her those soothing, tender touches, the forehead kisses.
It was that soft side that had helped her through Ethel and Sherri's deaths, in a way that she didn't think anyone else would have been able to.
It was that soft side of him that had held her like his life depended on it.
'He looks at you as if he's found something he didn't know he was looking for. Something he never wants to lose.'
She had trouble understanding what she was supposed to make of that. She thought back to his reaction after Uma had kidnapped her, how he'd held her so close, so tight, his shaky breaths against her neck.
Then there was that night where he'd woken from his nightmare.
'No no, not her. Please…not her.'
That's what he'd said. She wondered if he'd been talking about…herself. She wasn't sure if it was narcissistic to assume that his nightmare had been about her, but she couldn't help but think back to after he'd woken up.
The way he'd reacted when she'd woken him, he'd held her so close again, and the relief that had filled his eyes, the trembles, the forehead kiss followed by a shaky breath, and she couldn't help but wonder if he'd been dreaming about her death.
But she wasn't sure how that could be indicative of greater feelings for her. They were, first and foremost, close friends, and he'd lost friends before, and she thought it could also be that he didn't want to lose another one.
'You could be missing out on something great because of your fear.'
She was worried she was too, but she didn't know how to make herself take that leap. Every time she came close, she got caught up in what could happen, how she could mess something up. She was coming to realize that her fear was morphing from 'he didn't want her' to 'he may want her, but then she might disappointment him,' and the two fears were pulling her in two different directions.
She didn't know how someone could want someone as inexperienced as her. She thought men would want someone sultry, seductive, experienced, who would know how to please them, know how to go after what they wanted. Women who understood romance and desire. Someone beautiful.
Her friends' words had made her feel beautiful, and the times where her insecurities had reared their nasty heads, she'd repeated their words to herself.
It had helped, but she felt nowhere close to seeing herself as beautiful. She wasn't sure if she ever would or if this sort of thing would just take time.
As Levi and Isa rode to the courthouse in Stohess, her mind swirled with thoughts of the trial, her conversation with her friends, her parents, Levi, and it was almost too much for her to keep apart.
It was dizzying the way her thoughts bounced from one to the next, not giving her enough time to fully think on a topic, which made it even harder to come to any conclusions.
Her nerves jangled when they arrived at the small inn they would be staying at, next to the courthouse. The inn only had one available room with two small beds, so Isa and Levi would have to share.
They left their horses inside the inn's stable, and her stomach tightened further as they walked into the courthouse.
She felt a hand on her shoulder and turned to meet Levi's eyes, and she could practically hear him telling her to 'take a breath.'
She inhaled slowly, and as she exhaled she could feel her nerves begin to ease. She let her hand rest on Levi's, giving him a small smile, letting him know she would be okay.
Taking their seats inside the courtroom, Isa listened as the prosecutor called Derek up first.
The prosecutor went through the charges, and asked Derek for his version of the events. As expected, Derek did everything in his power to make it seem as if Isa had been the one to make a move on him, that she'd been begging for his attention.
He said that when he rejected her, she'd come up with this false claim in an attempt for revenge. His lies had her nose wrinkling and her mouth twisting into a scowl.
His lawyer was no better than Derek. She somehow managed to paint Derek as some perfect human who could do no wrong. She spoke of his charity work when he was younger and how he'd been so noble to join the Scouts in an attempt to help the battle for Humanity.
What horrified her the most, the piece of information that had her stomach twisting, was when his lawyer stated they were seeking that the charges be dropped and that he be reinstated into the Scouts.
She wasn't sure she could handle it if she had to live in the same space as him again. To live in a constant state of fear of whether or not he would attack her again.
Derek's lawyer finished up with him, and then the prosecutor called for Levi.
The prosecutor's line of questioning was straightforward as she asked Levi to describe the two situations he'd witnessed. She listened as he described that he and Furlan had been walking outside when they'd heard someone scream for help. When they'd found Isa, she'd been pressed up against a wall, clearly distressed, and Derek had been restraining her.
Outside the walls, he'd seen Derek hold Isa back as she tried to help Furlan, and had seen when he sliced through the straps of her gear, shoving her into a titan's path, in an attempt to end her life. He'd heard Derek call out 'if I can't have you, no one can.'
It was Derek's lawyer that, once again, had rage and disgust building inside of Isa.
Listening to Derek's lawyer belittle and demean Levi infuriated Isa. The woman was doing her damnedest to make Levi lose credibility in the jury's eyes, but that wasn't even what made her angry.
She listened, growing angrier by the second, as the lawyer listed off all his crimes he'd been pardoned from once he'd joined the Scouts. The woman had clearly grown up in luxury all her life and didn't know what it was like to have to fight for survival.
And that pissed Isa off even more.
She hated the way the woman talked down to him, the way she looked at him, as if he were some pile of garbage. It was the same looks that had been thrown to him, Isabel, and Furlan when they'd first joined.
She wanted to run up and throttle the woman, tell her that just because someone came from the Underground didn't mean they deserved to be treated that way.
She watched as the jury took notes as they had throughout the whole line of questioning, and she wanted to scream out and tell them not to consider any of this, that it was irrelevant to the case. But she knew doing so would not help her in any way. So she kept quiet.
'Don't let your opponent get under your skin. Once they do, you're losing.'
More than anything, she hated that Levi was being put through this because of her, no, because of Derek. It filled her with a rage she rarely felt, one that made her want to protect, no matter what.
She admired Levi in the way he handled himself. He had that same indifferent manner she remembered from back when she first met him, minus the anger. If anything the lawyer said was bothering him, there was no sign of it.
She only hoped she'd be able to do the same.
When the judge concluded the session for the day, Isa walked outside the courtroom to wait for Levi.
The way he was staying so calm had her admiring him, but also set her further on edge. "Levi, what the hell? How are you not angrier? That woman is doing her damnedest to destroy your reputation, by spouting a load of bullshit she doesn't know anything about."
Levi raised a brow, shrugging. "If I get angry, then she wins, and that's the last thing we need right now if we have any hope of winning this. Me getting angry makes me lose credibility and proves her point that I'm a hostile criminal."
Isa groaned out in frustration, rubbing at the bridge of her nose. "I know, dammit, I just…I hate that she's doing that to you."
Before either of them could say anything else, a voice spoke from behind Isa, one she hadn't heard in years.
"Goodness, Isa. I could hear you from outside. If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times, no man is going to want an outspoken woman who can't keep her voice down."
Isa's face paled as her frustration with Levi dissipated, stomach now churning at the voice coming from behind her.
She turned to see the woman who'd emotionally abused her for years.
"Hello Martha." She kept her tone cool, indifferent, despite the knots in her stomach.
Martha looked down her nose at Isa. "I can't believe you're going through with this." The disbelief in her voice sent chills down Isa's spine. "When we wrote Derek telling him he'd be a perfect match for you, I never thought you'd do something as childish as this."
Somehow her face grew paler as she gaped at the woman.
They...they're the reason he did all of this. This is why he thinks I'm 'his.'
Before she even had time to fully process that, Martha had moved on to insults.
Martha took in her appearance, eyes moving down her body from head to toe. "Look at you, why, you're as plain as ever. Tell me, did you forget the difference between shampoo for humans and shampoo for horses, your hair looks so dull and dry."
Tears pricked in Isa's eyes. "I—"
Martha's head shook in disappointment. "Yes, I can see your eyes are as dull and boring as ever. I would have thought some sun would have brightened them, but there isn't much you can do with eyes the color of mud."
Isa's arms crossed in front of her body, hands clutching on her arms as she shrank into herself, eyes moving to look down at the floor. "But—"
Martha tutted as she continued her critiques. "I hear the Scouts don't have much funding, so I would have thought you would slim down some with the lack of food, you should do better watching what you eat. I see you're using bindings instead of corsets, or even a bra. Those clothes you're wearing do nothing for you. Goodness, it's like everything we taught you went in one ear and out the other."
The woman spat out insults as she had all of Isa's life, and Isa struggled to hold back her tears, not wanting to show Martha how much the words were cutting into her. To have the woman cut her down in front of Levi, humiliate her in front of him, in front of the man she loved, was more than she could take.
What...what was it that Nanaba and Nifa said about me?
And Hange?
Why can't I remember any of their words?
The ones that made me feel beautiful?
'Hair that's dull and dry. Eyes like dirt and mud.'
'Just as plain as ever.'
'As if he'd ever want someone as plain and pathetic as you.'
She didn't dare look at Levi, not wanting to see his reaction. If she had she would have seen the utter shock on his face at the woman's false words followed by the resurgence of his icy fury.
"I think it's time for you to leave, lady." His voice had taken that cold tone, once again, the warmth he reserved for Isa had fled.
The woman gave a posh laugh. "As if you have any right to tell me what to do. You might be a Captain in your pathetic little branch, but people like myself keep you fed. I suggest you watch your tone, or I'll have you sent back to the Underground where you belong."
Martha's threats towards Levi somehow broke through to Isa, and she pushed past the pain, her desire to protect the ones she loved bringing her back.
Isa's eyes snapped to Martha's wrinkled face, flashing with hatred and disgust.
"No." Her voice had dropped to a low, threatening growl.
Martha looked taken aback by the sudden show of hostility. "Excuse me?"
"Leave him out of this. Your problem is with me." She lifted her chin as her eyes glinted with defiance.
Isa watched as Martha's mouth twisted into a deep scowl, clearly displeased. "I won't be talked to in that manner by a criminal."
Isa let her anger for the woman fuel her need to protect, temporarily shoving down the humiliation and insecurities. "No! You leave him out of this. You're not going to drag him into your bullshit. You don't own me, you don't own him."
"Goodness, Isa such vulgar language. You'll never catch a man that way." Martha's voice was full of disgust, her own arms crossing in front of her as she shook her head, disapproval written all over her face.
She ignored that and pushed on. "Don't forget, I can bring you down. How would all the noble families like to hear of how you abused a child? Your attempted murder? Your husband's affairs? His trips to the brothel? Your love of the drink? Your side business dealing drugs? You'd be the talk of Mitras. You'd never get over the embarrassment. And I wouldn't share them all at once, oh no."
She gave a vicious chuckle as she sneered. "I'd share one, and then wait for it to die down, before moving onto the next."
Isa watched as Martha's face paled.
"You...you wouldn't dare."
Isa took a step towards Martha, glowering up at her. "Try me."
Martha took a step back, clearly startled by Isa's show of hostility, though she quickly composed herself.
She raised her chin in defiance so that she could glare down her nose at Isa. "We should have told that filthy man to kill you when he brought you to us. I should have known you would have been a waste of our time."
The blow cut deep, as it had been intended to, but Isa ignored the pain. "That's your problem, not mine. Stay away from us."
Without another word, Martha turned and walked away, and the anger and protective desire in Isa faded, leaving her with only humiliation.
She felt Levi place a gentle hand on her shoulder.
Avoiding his gaze, her arms crossed in front of her again, as she hunched into herself. She forced back the tears threatening to spill at having been completely degraded in front of him. "I'm...I'll be okay, Levi...I just...I just need to go lie down."
As she stumbled away, she could feel his gaze following her. In a haze, she somehow made it back to the inn, to the room and simply laid down in her bed, curling up underneath the blanket.
She lost track of how long she lay there, the words of today mixing with the words of her childhood.
'You're just as plain as ever.'
'Eyes like dirt and mud.'
I…what was it that Nanaba said? Something about the sun?
'Hair dry as straw.'
She curled further into herself, eyes clenching tight, the occasional tear trickling out as she fought to hold them back.
I…I remember something about reds and golds?
'You'll never be good enough, no matter what you do.'
She tried to remember Nifa's words, but she couldn't bring them to mind.
I…I can't remember anything any of them said.
'No man will ever want you.'
Then Uma's voice mixed in.
'As if he'd ever want someone as plain and pathetic as you.'
Why would he want you, he probably finds you outspoken and annoying? What man wants a woman like that?
'I can tell he sees you as a good friend.'
"Stop stop, please just...stop." Her broken whimper filled the empty room, as her arms wrapped tight around herself.
The words played in her mind over and over again, and she didn't know how to stop them. She was curled up in a ball under the covers, desperately wishing the plaguing thoughts would cease and just leave her be.
Anytime she felt confidence in herself as a person, as a woman, those thoughts would rear their nasty heads, suffocating any embers of confidence.
She heard the door to the room open and close, knowing it was Levi. She felt the bed dip from the weight of him sitting behind her.
When she felt his fingers trail across her cheek to tuck some loose hair behind her ears, she had to clench her eyes shut to fight off a wave of fresh tears.
"Isa, it's me. Tell me what you need. Tell me how to help." She could hear the slightest hint of worry in his hushed voice.
She sniffled. "Can…can you just hold me, please?" Breath hitching, she was, once again, embarrassed by the request, but she just needed to feel his warmth, that comfort that she only ever felt around him.
She heard what sounded like shoes dropping on the floor, and the bed dipping further as a pair of strong arms wrapped around her, drawing her close.
Turning over in his arms, needing that comforting smell, a warmth filled her when he pulled her even closer, one designed to battle away the chill consuming her. One arm wrapped tight around her waist, the other under her shoulders, his hand came up to cradle her head, fingers threading gently into her hair as she pressed her face against his shoulder.
As she breathed in his scent, the warmth of his body enveloping her, she had no way of stopping the silent tears as they spilled. Her hand lay above his heart, clenched into a tight fist in his shirt.
Shaky breaths filled the air as her body trembled with silent sobs. Memories of her childhood trickling through.
Her parents, how much they'd loved her. Sitting on her dad's shoulders as he ran. Her mom's hugs and kisses.
Cuddling with her parents after a nightmare, how warm and safe she'd felt.
The love her parents had had for each other, and the differences in how they'd express it.
Her mom showering her dad in hugs and kisses, telling him she loved him.
Her dad with his loving touches and kisses to her mom's cheek, picking her up to spin her, holding her close whenever she needed it.
Her parents, how strong they'd been together, a unit bound together by their love.
Watching her parents be ripped away from her forever and being taken to the surface to two of the worst people she'd ever met.
Their cruel words that were thrown at her, her whole life.
The darkness of the small room they'd shove her into if she stepped out of line.
Being locked away for years, missing out on a real childhood, not getting the normal experiences other people did.
Martha's bony fingers wrapped tight around her throat.
Her fear of not being good enough keeping her from simply trying.
Levi held her as she trembled, not knowing how to give her the words she needed, the ones he felt, but was unsure how to say them. Instead, he kept her close against him as he stroked her hair, now comfortable in doing so.
When her tears finally slowed, she sniffled as she forced her hand to relax but kept it resting on his chest, enjoying the feel of his heart thumping beneath it, the cool fabric of his shirt contrasting from the heat of his body.
"I'm sorry, Levi." The words escaped her before she could stop them.
"Why are you sorry?"
She sniffled again, voice reserved and fearful as she spoke. "For being too...outspoken and annoying."
When he pulled back to look at her, she thought he looked...irritated. His brow had furrowed, and his narrowed eyes held a sharpness that was rarely directed towards her unless she'd said or done something he didn't agree with.
It was the same for her, she rarely had to look at him in irritation or defiance, unless he pushed her, like he had back at the beginning.
"First, don't ever apologize for being who you are." His voice was firm, no room for argument as his eyes held steady on hers. "Being outspoken isn't a bad thing, I don't care what that woman said."
"Second, I don't find you annoying, idiot, and you should know that, because we wouldn't be...friends if I did."
She swallowed and nodded thickly as she struggled to hold back fresh tears, the remnants of embarrassment and humiliation still ever present.
He sighed as he took in her expression-that of a kicked puppy-hand moving to cup her chin, lifting her head gently, thumb brushing at a stray tear that had escaped.
His eyes lost their irritation and his voice softened as he spoke. "There are always going to be people who try to cut you down for whatever reason fits their need."
His eyes were focused on her, and only her, in that way that made her feel as if he could read every thought in her mind, in that way that made her feel as if she were the only person that truly mattered to him. "It can be to make themselves feel better, because they're jealous, or they just want to see someone break and cry. They only win if you let them."
Her lip trembled as she struggled to speak, voice wavering as she did. "But...her words are things I've heard my entire life, ever since I got brought to the surface."
She sniffled as a lone tear trickled down her cheek. "Her husband always said similar things too. What she said wasn't even the worst of it, Levi." Her voice had turned meek, and she hated sounding like this, feeling like this, but seeing that woman, hearing those words, and in front of Levi, no less, had left her feeling humiliated and weak.
"Their words are just constantly in my head any time I get too confident in myself and...and I don't know how to get rid of them." Her voice ended on a broken whisper.
He wiped away the tear as he spoke, bringing his other hand up to brush away the hair that had fallen into her face. "I don't know if there's a way to get rid of them, Isa. But that doesn't mean you can't fight back against them. Whenever you used to ask me if someone's death was your fault, what did I make you do?"
Her gaze dropped down to where her hand lay on his chest. "You...you always made me say out loud that it wasn't my fault."
"And did it help?"
She forced her eyes back to his, so he could see the seriousness in them. "Always. I…ever since that day in Trost, I haven't blamed myself for someone's death."
He cupped her face in his hands, and the warmth of them soothed her. "So fight back against those thoughts. Just like you fight back against everything else in life. When one comes to mind, when you feel the spiral downward happening, stop it in its tracks. If saying out loud the opposite of what your thoughts are telling you is enough stop them, then do that."
"But those insecurities, that fear that I was to blame for Lucy's death was new enough that it didn't take much to will it away. These are things that I've been stuck with for years, Levi, since childhood." Her voice cracked on her last word.
He wished he knew how to give her the affectionate, tender words she needed...no...deserved. The ones that he felt with every fiber of his being. The ones that would tell her that the woman was wrong. The ones that would tell Isa that she was beautiful in every sense of the word, the most beautiful person, inside and out, he'd ever known.
The ones that would tell her that she wasn't outspoken, not in the way the woman tried to make her think. She was honest and wasn't afraid to speak her mind, something he truly admired about her.
He just didn't know how to say any of it. So he went with words he did know.
"That just means you'll have to fight even harder against them. Maybe they'll go away, maybe they'll just weaken so they don't have control over you, but I know you, Isa, when it comes down to it, you always choose to fight."
'Are you going to cry or are you going to fight?'
"I'm going to fight back, Levi." A small smile crossed her face, a few tears escaping her.
He used his thumb to brush away the tears. His lips curled up into that sweet smile she loved so much, and the warmth in his eyes took her breath away.
When he leaned in to place a gentle kiss on her forehead, before letting his forehead rest on hers, she couldn't stop the flush on her face, nor could she stop her smile from widening ever so slightly, her own eyes full of the love and affection she felt for him.
Her hand came up to his face, stroking at it lightly. "Thank you, Levi."
He raised a hand up to encircle her wrist, brushing gently at the hand that lay on his face. "Don't ever let me hear you apologize for some stupid shit like that again. There's no need for it. Nothing she said was true." The hushed nature of his voice echoed in her ears, urging her to listen to what he was saying, and to forget anything the woman said.
"I won't, Levi." She moved her head so that she could nuzzle into his neck, letting his warmth and his scent surround her, calming her. "I promise." She was too relaxed for the full meaning of his words to completely register.
"Good, now sleep." He let one arm wrap around her waist pulling her tight against him, the other one curling up underneath her to lay on her shoulder. "I have something I want to show you tomorrow after the rest of the trial."
She let herself turn back around in his arms, wanting that different feel that came from this hold. She loved when he held her tight against his chest and her head was tucked close against him so she could hear his heartbeat.
But, for some reason, this hold felt different, and she didn't fully understand why. She just knew this was how she wanted to be held tonight.
This time, when his arms came around her, wrapping her close as they had the night Uma kidnapped her, she was less hesitant, and reached down to place her hand over the one he had on her stomach, and let herself reach up to the hand in front of her face, linking her fingers with his.
She swallowed thickly and her heart fluttered when he brought their linked hands up to wrap across her so that they lay against her shoulder, but despite the nerves, it was comforting to feel him surrounding her. Something about his presence always put her at ease, even if her stomach was tied in knots.
She allowed herself to enjoy the feel of him holding her, his chest pressed against her back, his arms holding her close, his hands holding hers, his legs grazing against the backs of hers. The heat of his body further soothed her, warmed her.
His light breaths fluttering against her neck had a peaceful smile coming across her face.
'You guys are basically a couple without the sex.'
She wanted to believe her friends, more than anything in the world, but she was still struggling to move past the thoughts holding her back, and the confrontation with Martha didn't help. She felt as if she were making progress, but it felt infinitely slow, and she didn't know how to speed up the process.
She still feared that by the time she got over her nerves and just tried he would have found some other woman, one who wasn't afraid of going after what she wanted.
Images flashed in front of her mind of another woman, more beautiful, less shy and timid in romance and desire, one with experience, who knew how to seduce. One who could give him a sultry smile and a come-hither look.
And the thoughts had something negative building inside her, a feeling she'd never felt before, and wasn't entirely sure she liked. The sheer thought of some other woman touching him, kissing him, holding him, being held like this by him, had her gripping his hands just the slightest bit tighter, with one word flashing in her mind in a growl.
Mine.
Sighing, she shoved that feeling and the thought away, and focused on enjoying the feel of being held by Levi.
She let herself drift off with the feeling of hope that maybe she'd be able to finally rid herself of those thoughts, or like Levi said, squash them enough so that they no longer controlled her.
Hange had asked her if she wanted to believe her friends who loved her, or the people who had set out to make her life as miserable as possible.
I'm...I'm going to try to start believing in my friends. They've never given me a reason to doubt them.
Maybe if I believe them with these smaller things, I can work my way up to believing what they say about Levi.
Sometimes, moments like these, make me feel like he does, but…those stupid 'what if' questions keep playing in my mind, and I don't know how to stop them.
What if I'm wrong? What if they're wrong? What if mess something up? What if I disappoint?
Which one is it that terrifies me the most?
I think…I think it's the fear of messing up and disappointing. When I think about it, I truly feel that those are the one's holding me back the most, and feeding the ones telling me I'm wrong. They all work together in keeping me from trusting my friends and taking that risk, but ultimately, I feel that it may be those specifically.
Why can't this be easier for me?
When Isa woke the next morning, she could tell that Levi was already awake, though he still held her, hand stroking idly in her hair. At some point in the night, she'd turned back around, and her head was tucked against his chest, the muted thump of his heart echoing in her ear.
She wasn't sure why, but the feel of his hand brushing through her hair was so soothing and always made her want to purr.
She tilted her head back so she could meet his eyes, and she couldn't help but wish for this to happen every day. There was something about waking up next to him that had a flood of warmth rushing through her, the same warmth she felt whenever he kissed her forehead, whenever he gave her that small smile, or whenever she saw that warmth in his eyes that she wasn't sure what it was.
"Did you get any sleep?"
He brushed some hair out of her face. "Some, but not much."
She chewed at her lip. "I'm sorry, it must have been boring just lying here."
He moved his hand come down to the side of her face. "It wasn't, I don't mind."
She let herself enjoy the warmth coming from him before sighing. "I need to get ready, I want to check on Luna before the trial, make sure she's fine."
"Do you want me to come with you?"
She shook her head, bringing her hand up to cover his. "I'll be okay, I just need some time alone, to clear my head before the rest of the trial. I'll meet up with you outside the courtroom."
Isa thought it looked as if Levi wasn't thrilled about the idea of leaving her alone, but he didn't say anything.
She made quick work of cleaning up and changing into some fresh clothes for the day, leaving Levi in the room alone with his thoughts.
Isa made her way into the stables where she'd left Luna, needing the comfort of the mare. It was early, so none of the stable hands were there.
As she walked down the aisle, a hand shot out of one of the empty stalls, and she shrieked when it grabbed her by the hair, dragging her inside, slamming the door shut.
Before she had time to register what had happened, she was shoved up against the wall, head slamming back, breath knocked out of her, wrists pinned above her.
Her head was spinning as she gasped for air, but the voice that spoke registered, and its words had her skin crawling.
"I've finally got you alone, Isa darling. I knew you'd eventually come here, you're so predictable." She could hear the sneer in his voice, the one that had the hairs on her neck prickling and the blood in her veins chilling. His body was pressed against hers, and dread was settling over her.
No…no this…this isn't possible. He's supposed to be detained right now.
A sinister chuckle filled the air as her eyes finally focused and saw Derek towering over her, his face filled with that hostile, sickening look that she recognized. The one that had the bile rising in her throat. "Confused on why I'm here? It's amazing what throwing money at the right person will do. I made the officer outside my cell an offer he couldn't refuse, asking him to let me out so I could get some fresh air. Now I'm here to take what you've refused me for too long."
"P-please, don't do this." She shrank into herself, voice coming out in a weak whimper.
His face filled with a sick glee that had her heart dropping to the pit of her stomach. "What's that darling? You don't want me to stop? I can hear it in your voice, you want this. I'm growing tired of the teasing."
He dipped his head to press his mouth against her neck and her eyes filled with tears. She struggled against the hold on her wrists, but just as last time, they held firm, iron tight grips restraining the predator's prey.
She fought back the urge to vomit when his free hand came up to rip her shirt, buttons clattering on the floor.
A choked sob escaped her at the feel of his hand on her again, no idea how to make him finally understand she didn't want this. Realizing it didn't matter, realizing that there was no making him understand.
Her stomach churned when she felt his hand move from her chest down her body, unbuttoning her pants.
"P-please, just stop this." Her voice broke as she begged him to stop, desperately trying to break free from his tight grasp on her wrists.
"But I can feel how much you want this. Is this how you play that criminal? How you got him to go up there and lie?" The feel of his breath on her neck as he spoke had her clenching her eyes shut, tears running out.
She felt her mind begin to retreat, protecting her from what it knew was coming.
Happier memories began to trickle through, reminding her of better times, distracting her from the feel of his hand and mouth on her.
Her parents' faces, how much they'd loved her, cherished her. The feel of their arms wrapped around her. How much they'd loved each other. How safe she'd felt around them.
The faces of all her friends, Hange, Sherri, Lucy, Nanaba, Nifa, Furlan, Isabel, the ones who'd always lifted her up instead of tearing her down. Their words echoed in her head.
'My eyes are beautiful, the color of whiskey when the sun shimmers through it. My hair is soft, and it may be brown, but in the sunlight, there are the tiniest glints of reds and golds, giving it a fiery look.'
'My friends believe in me no matter what, and I've proven myself time and time again both outside and inside the walls.'
'You're this bright, energetic person, but it's different from my energy. Yours is a more peaceful energy that's both calming and exciting at the same time.'
'You're a fighter. Like Isabel, like Levi, like me.'
Ethel, all the time the sweet, older woman had spent with Isa, listening to her, guiding her, all her kinds words.
The love they had for her, and the love she felt for them.
Finally, Levi.
The man she'd somehow fallen in love with, who was always there for her, no matter what, just as she was always there for him.
The man who made time for her, even if he had his own things to do, who held her, supported her. She still wasn't sure what he felt for her, but she knew he cared for her, at least in the way he had cared for Isabel and Furlan.
She could feel something building inside her, fueled by the love she felt for all her friends, her family, her loved ones, and their love for her. She'd only felt it once before, that addicting feeling that made her feel capable of anything.
'Are you going to cry, or are you going to fight?'
I'm fighting dammit, I'm not weak!
Her mind burst through the fog and her eyes shot open, narrowing as they filled with the determination coursing through her. She registered Derek's head against her neck, his hand still in her pants, and anger filled her at the thought of him trying to take something that was never offered, further fueling that confidence, shoving aside her fear.
Fight! I'm not letting him get away with this!
I will win!
She turned her head, teeth latching onto his ear and biting down, the taste of blood filling her mouth as she ripped a chunk off. She spat it out as he stumbled back, his cry of pain filling the surrounding air.
A look of disbelief passed over his face before it was filled with that hate filled rage she'd seen before, his arm swinging out.
But this time, she was ready.
It was just like when she'd fought with Uma, all of Levi's words, his teachings took over her. She'd spent countless hours with him, working on different situations and how to defend herself.
For the briefest of seconds, she had felt weak, her fear taking over her. But the reminder of all her loved ones, the reminder of Levi had brought back the strength, overriding her fear.
I can win! I am not weak!
She ducked underneath his arm and while he was off balance, she drew her knee up, hard into his groin, and an inhuman, high-pitched groan cut through the air.
He collapsed onto his knees, and her leg swung out, smashing into his face, blood spattering from his nose, knocking him onto his back as a satisfying and resounding crunch filled the air. She whipped out the knife she had in her boot, kneeling down beside him, pressing the tip of her blade hard against his crotch as he gasped for air, face turning different shades of green contrasting the purpling of his nose.
Her voice came out in a low, threatening growl. "This is your one, and only warning. Do not ever come near me again. If you do, I will not hesitate, to slice your dick into tiny pieces. I never asked for this, I never wanted this."
It was her turn to chuckle menacingly, sending a shiver down Derek's spine. She could see the fear in his eyes and that fueled the raging confidence inside her. "I know Martha wrote to you, fueling whatever disgusting delusions you have, but I can assure you, I want nothing to do with you. I suggest you fucking leave, now, before I change my mind."
He groaned in pain as he scrambled to his feet. "Fucking bitch, I'm done with you. As if I'd want someone like you."
Her sneer twisted further, eyes growing cold, freezing the blood in his veins. "As if I give a shit what you think of me."
His attempt to storm off was amusing, seeing as Isa could tell he was having trouble walking.
But when the stall door slammed shut and she was alone again, the adrenaline began to fade, and the memory of what happened started coming back.
The feel of his hand on her breast, his hand groping her over her underwear.
The feel of his mouth slithering across her neck.
She collapsed back on the wall, knife still in hand, sliding down the wall, knees pulled in tight, protecting herself.
She didn't know how long she sat there, her mind now in a fearful state, prepared to attack if it needed to.
She vaguely heard the stall door open and the sound of footsteps coming closer. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a figure hovering over her, a hand reaching down for her. Muffled words that couldn't penetrate the fog.
"Don't touch me!" She growled as she scrambled away, bringing her knife in front of her, ready to defend.
She watched as the hand quickly pulled back and the figure crouched down in front of her, a voice breaking through, the one she always recognized.
"Isa, it's me. It's Levi, I'm right here." He kept his voice hushed and soothing, not wanting to startle her.
She blinked, eyes focusing to register her best friend in front of her. "Levi?"
"It's me, I'm right here."
A sob escaped her as she threw herself at him, her knife clattering to the floor, arms wrapping around his neck, tears now falling.
Knowing she was safe had the dam breaking as she shuddered, horrified at the thought of what could have happened.
He somehow managed to keep his balance, wrapping his arms around her. He slid back so that he was leaning against the stall wall, drawing her legs over his lap and just holding her.
He'd seen her ripped shirt, the unbuttoned pants, and her reaction to him reaching out to her alone was enough to tell him what had happened.
And he was furious. He wanted to find the scum responsible and tear him apart limb from limb for daring to put his filthy hands on Isa, for daring to hurt her, for daring to try to take something she never offered.
But he knew that wouldn't help Isa, so instead, he kept his hands gentle, drawing her in tight as she cried silently, her body shaking with residual fear and adrenaline.
He pulled her back enough so he could remove his jacket and cover her front where her shirt was torn, before bringing her close again.
He kept her head cradled against his neck with one hand, the other on her back, keeping her close.
He was filled with both pride and guilt.
Pride that she'd been able to take care of herself.
Guilt that she'd been alone in the first place.
When her tears quieted, she found that somehow, she felt better, more determined. She'd defended herself again, and she'd succeeded. She was still horrified at what he'd tried to do, yet again, but she was determined to not let it control her. She was determined to win.
'Are you going to cry or are you going to fight?'
She pulled back to look up at Levi. "I fought back, Levi. And I won."
His hand came up to rest on her cheek, thumb stroking lightly, with a look of what she thought might have been pride in his eyes. "You did good, Isa, I know you did. That chunk of what I'm assuming is part of his ear on the ground over there is enough to tell me you did good."
A sheepish look crossed her face as she rubbed at the back of her head. "I umm…might have also threatened to slice his dick into little pieces if he ever came near me again."
Her eyes widened in awe when he chuckled, not his usual breathless chuckle, but a small chuckle. She could feel his body shake ever so slightly with it.
His hand moved to brush the hair out of her face. "You're something else, aren't you?" She thought his tone was lit with…admiration.
She could feel a flush creeping its way up her face. "Is umm…that a good thing or a bad thing?"
He stroked at her hair, a hint of a proud smile on his face, eyes shining with that warmth that had her heart fluttering, pushing away any remnants of fear. "A good thing. I promise."
She sat there, caught in his gaze, feeling safe once again. Safe because she knew she could take care of herself, and safe because Levi was there with her. She always felt as if nothing could hurt her as long as Levi was right there beside of her.
She brought her hand up to brush at the bangs flopping over onto his head before resting on the side of his head, thumb brushing across the smooth skin of his cheek. "Thank you, Levi."
His brows knit in confusion. "For what?"
An affectionate smile filled her face as she stared into his eyes. "I wouldn't have been able to defend myself if you hadn't been helping me."
He gave her hair a light ruffle. "You don't have to thank me for that."
"I know, but everything you do to help me, I just…I want you to know how much I appreciate that, and how much I appreciate you." A look of determination filled her face and eyes. "I'm not going to let this control my life. I'm going to beat him, Levi. I'm going to win."
He placed a gentle kiss on her forehead, before resting his forehead on hers, bringing his hand down to rest against the side of her head. "I know you will, and I'm going to be right there with you."
She moved her hand up to rest on his, fingers brushing across the dips, her eyes full of love and affection as they stared into his, the warmth in them filling her with more strength.
The ember inside her burning just a touch brighter.
In the courtroom, it was now Isa's turn to take the stand. The prosecutor was first to question her, asking her to describe in detail what had happened during each event.
She went through each assault in as much detail as possible. The way he'd grabbed her, restrained her, endangered her life. How she'd told him time and time again that she wasn't interested, but for some reason, he took it as her teasing him and playing 'hard to get.'
She glanced over at Derek and a smug pleasure filled her at the sight of his ear missing a large chunk and his bruised nose.
That's what you get, asshole.
She knew he wouldn't bring up that she bit off a piece of his ear, because one, that would mean having to explain how he ended up in that situation to begin with. Bribing an officer to be let free would be a punishable offense. And two, he wouldn't want to admit that someone who doesn't even reach his chest had been able to beat him.
He was too egotistical for that.
Derek's lawyer took her turn in questioning Isa, and she did everything in her power to make Isa lose credibility, just as she had with Levi.
She taunted at her relationships with the other Scouts, no doubt fueled by Derek's lies. She asked Isa if she'd flirted with him, if she'd been the one to try to catch his attention.
And when the lawyer had the nerve to ask if she was telling all of these lies as revenge against Derek for rejecting her, she had to fight back the anger.
She met Levi's eyes silently watching her, and that determination and confidence she'd felt earlier came back to her, filling her body, pushing away the anger, keeping herself in control.
'Are you going to cry or are you going to fight?'
Fight dammit. I'm not going to let him win!
'Then take a breath, and do it.'
She took in a deep breath and spoke, letting the determination take over her.
Narrowed eyes full of fire snapped back at Derek's lawyer. "No."
She seemed taken aback by the change in demeanor. "I'm sorry?"
"No you're wrong. Why would I lie about this? What do I have to gain?" Isa kept her voice firm, with no room for doubt.
I refuse to let him win! I refuse to let him get away with this!
I'm not weak!
Despite the fresh trauma of the recent assault, she let her disgust for the man in question fuel her determination, keeping her mind clear and her points firm.
You tried to take something that wasn't offered you disgusting pig!
A smug look crossed the lawyer's face. "You'd be bringing down the son of a noble."
Isa raised a brow. "But what would that do for me? I'm a Scout, I go fight titans, what would bringing down a noble's son do for me?"
The lawyer chuckled, as if Isa had asked the question she'd wanted so she could make her next point. "Vengeance for them not providing adequate funding for your branch, obviously."
Isa raised her chin in defiance. "You're wrong. That man…" she raised a finger to point in Derek's direction before bringing her hand back down, "…assaulted me, twice, and then tried to kill me outside the walls. Captain Levi was a witness to that. What does he have to gain by lying? If he were to be caught, he'd lose his position and get sent back to the Underground."
The lawyer tutted. "Yes, Derek mentioned your relationship with the Captain. You two are quite close, aren't you?"
Isa's eyes narrowed at the tone in the woman's voice. She didn't like where this was going, didn't like what the woman was trying to insinuate. "We're friends."
Derek's lawyer hummed in delight. "That's not quite how Derek put it. I believe he phrased it as you were the type of woman who would spread her legs for any man if it meant getting you what you want."
Where have I heard that before?
Isa's eyes narrowed, flashing dangerously, though she forced herself to keep her body relaxed and her voice calm. "I assure you that is not true. If that were the case, wouldn't I have 'spread my legs' for Derek to get better funding for the Scouts? Wouldn't that have been better than lying about him assaulting me?"
"Well—"
She kept going, refusing to let the woman regain the upper hand. "Furthermore, that man, Derek, the son of a noble, assaulted me an hour ago. He did so by buying off the officer in charge of guarding his cell. I have the marks on my wrists to prove it." She yanked the sleeves of her jacket back to show the lawyer, the jury, and the judge the fresh bruises on her wrists where Derek had restrained her. "I can even show you my ripped clothes if you'd like."
'If you can make your opponent angry and lose control, that gives you the upper hand, so long as you keep control.'
Your words aren't just for physical fights, Levi.
She turned her attention to the man who had caused her so much trouble over the years, she could see he wasn't happy with her most recent admission. She needed to push more if she wanted to get under his skin.
Think, Isa, what is it about men like Derek that makes them insecure?
A memory of a conversation with Ethel and the old woman's sweet, melodic voice filled her mind. One where she'd finally broken down and told Ethel what Derek had done. She remembered the older woman holding her close, stroking her hair as she spoke soothing words to her.
'Men who feel the need to take what isn't offered often do so because they know they'd never be able to get it on their own. Taking is their only way to get what they want. It doesn't make it right by any means. There are cruel, sick people in our world Isa.'
Her eyes filled with a determined light. "Tell me, Derek, why did you feel the need to assault me? To try to kill me? Is it because you know you'd never be able to get a woman on your own?"
She watched as his eye twitched.
There we go.
Her confidence fueled her, keeping her going as she taunted him. "Tried in the past and never succeeded?"
His eyes narrowed, that pure hate filling them again.
She let her face fill with a mocking sneer. "Shot down by women multiple times? Never been able to please them? What's the matter? On the small side?"
She saw his fists clench.
Derek's lawyer tried to cut in. "Excuse me but I'm—"
Isa continued as if the woman hadn't spoken. The judge appeared too intrigued by Isa's show of confidence to call for order, giving Isa the time she needed to deal her final blow.
"You knew that the only way you'd ever get a woman would be to take what wasn't offered. And then, when I refused you, twice, your only option was to try to kill me. I believe your words were 'if I can't have you, no one can.' And you couldn't handle the rejection, so you assaulted me for a third time." She let her voice fill with disdain and disgust. "As if I'd ever want someone like you."
She could practically hear the crack as he snapped. "You stupid whore, I only did all of that because you were mine, but you refused to accept it!" His voice was enraged, and it was music to Isa's ears.
A stunned silence rippled across the room at Derek's admission.
I...I did it.
She looked over at Levi and she saw that soft smile on his face, and she could have sworn she saw admiration lighting those beautiful eyes.
With Derek's confession, the judge called for the jury to make a decision. As she waited, she took her seat beside Levi, stomach clenched with nerves, leg bouncing idly.
What if that wasn't enough for them to say he was guilty?
When she felt a hand cover her own, she looked down, surprised to see Levi's hand on hers. She let herself turn hers over so she could link her fingers with his, before turning her head to meet his gaze.
Somehow, looking into his eyes calmed her nerves. She knew, in that moment, no matter what the jury and judge decided, she would survive, knowing she had Levi, and her friends by her side.
Her friends who made her feel beautiful, who made her feel loved. She may not have known Nanaba and Nifa for long, but somehow, she felt as close to them as she did with Hange, as she had with Lucy and Sherri, even Isabel and Furlan.
Their endless support for her, and their understanding of her insecurities as they worked to hold her up, instead of tearing her down.
Levi's murmured words came back to her.
'Always, Isa. Always,'
His promise to always be beside her fueled the strength inside her, relishing in the knowledge that she'd never be alone.
She knew she could take care of herself, was more than capable. That feeling she felt after defending herself against Uma was strengthened further by how she defended herself against Derek. She'd somehow managed to push through the fear, and she'd won.
It gave her hope, a hope that fueled that ember inside her, the slightest of sparks popping as they promised of a flame that would burn out the dark and the weeds.
Hope that maybe she'd be able to push past her fear and take that chance with Levi, to put her trust in her friends. She knew that it wouldn't happen today, but knowing that she was capable of pushing past her fears, like Nifa had told her to do, fueled the confidence inside her.
She turned her head back when she heard the judge speaking.
Her grip on Levi's hand tightened as she listened to the judge begin reading the jury's decision and was further soothed when she felt Levi's thumb brush gently across her hand.
Relieved tears of joy fell from Isa's eyes when she heard the judge read the verdict.
'We, the jury, after listening to the witness testimonies, and after hearing the confession from the defendant, have found him to be guilty on all counts.'
A/N: Thanks for reading! :)