Her mind was floating, the soft, early morning rays filtering through her eyelids, slowly pulling her from sleep. Eyes fluttering open, a content sigh escaped her as she rolled into her back stretching. She was alone in bed, so she knew Levi was already awake, most likely at his desk, prepping for the day's training and any other work he needed to do. Most mornings had gone this way, Levi waking before her, if he slept at all.
She still felt awkward in the mornings, never fully knowing how she should greet him, so she'd usually just given him a peck on his cheek, though she had to fight back a flush as he watched her approach him with amusement in his eyes.
The first morning she'd woken when he'd already been at his desk, she'd been flustered and had fumbled, completely at a loss of what to do. Standing awkwardly at the door separating his office from his bedroom, rubbing her arm, she'd avoided his amused gaze as he waited for her to decide what she wanted to do.
The reminder of those romance books she read had flickered in her mind, the ones they'd told her never happened in real life, and would definitely never happen to her, telling her real men didn't think or act that way, real men only wanted sex from women, and she'd never known what to believe, so she'd believed them. She'd remembered how the heroine would greet her lover with a kiss, the type varying depending on her mood. Some would brush her lips across his, teasing him just enough that he wanted more and pulling back, leaving him reeling with a dumbfounded grin on his face. Others would pull him in for a heated kiss, as if just being separated for a few hours because of sleep had left her needing the taste of him.
She'd been certain that he wouldn't appreciate that, seeing as she hadn't brushed her teeth, her things still being in her room, nor would she have wanted to without having brushed her teeth. She also hadn't thought she'd be able to do any of that. If she wasn't taken over by the moment or by her emotions, it took all her courage just to brush a gentle kiss across his lips.
Instead, she'd settled on brushing her lips against the smooth skin of his cheek, ignoring the humor in his eyes when she'd pulled back.
She knew better now to never believe them, those people in Mitras who'd been hell-bent in making her life miserable. After the night before, after his words to her, she now intended to use what she'd read about in those books as her guide, instead of what they'd told her.
She planned to keep her silent promise to Levi, the one where she said she'd trust him, and not them.
This morning was no different, as she rose from bed, heading into his bathroom to freshen up, before padding out to his office. Pausing, she leaned against the doorframe, just enjoying the way he looked sitting at his desk, already dressed in his uniform and cravat. She wasn't sure what it was, but she felt the uniform looked better on him than any other Scout, as if it were made for him. The cravat around his neck simply added something to it that was uniquely Levi and she thought it suited him far more than any of the stuffy men in Mitras.
He was scribbling across some papers sitting in front of him, brows knit in concentration. She loved watching him work, the way he focused on whatever was in front of him. There was this authoritative air surrounding him, one that she only felt around him. It was different than Hange or Erwin's authority, or any of the other Squad Leaders. His was calmer yet more intense at the same time, though it never intimidated her.
Instead, it had her thinking back to those thoughts of him using that authority, that commanding nature with her, ordering her around, doing as he pleased with her, knowing he'd never hurt her.
"It's rude to stare."
Even though she could hear the teasing amusement in his tone, she couldn't stop the flush from creeping up to her cheeks, averting her eyes from his as they came up to look at her.
How does this still make you so nervous?
She took a breath before slowly making her way over to him, brushing her lips across his cheek, ignoring the humorous light in his eyes.
Even though she kept a toothbrush in his bathroom now—that had been a hard step for her, not knowing if she should or shouldn't keep one in there, until she'd finally just caved, and brought one, once again avoiding his amused gaze as she worked to figure out what she wanted to do—she still couldn't muster up the courage to do anything more than just kiss his cheek.
It still upset her when she remembered how she'd reacted the night before, the fact that she'd believed, even for a second, that he was anything like the men they'd told her about. He'd never given her any reason to think that, and she was still ashamed that she'd let herself get pulled in by that thought.
She sat herself on the edge of his desk, arms crossed in front of her. "Levi, I...I know I already apologized for this, but I'm going to again, and you're going to accept it whether you like it or not."
Her tone stayed calm, but her eyes dared him to resist.
When she saw she'd meet no resistance, her eyes softened, hand reaching up to brush gently through his hair, loving the way his face relaxed, imperceptible to most, but she'd known him long enough to see it. "I truly am sorry for letting myself think that of you, or more so, letting those thoughts get the better of me. I've never thought that way of you, don't think that of you. I know you're not like that. You've proven that to me countless times. I don't want you to think that's how I see you, because it's not even close."
Understanding lit his eyes, silently telling her that the apology was unnecessary, but he would accept it for her sake. "Relax. Like I told you, I get it. Just remember what I told you."
'Trust me. Not them, not your thoughts, but me.'
His speech had been the longest one she'd ever heard from him, and she knew he only spoke that much when he needed to make sure his point got across exactly how he wanted it.
And it had.
"I will, Levi, I promise," she murmured.
"I know. I made you some tea if you want it."
She always found it amusing how quick he was to move onto something else, never one to dwell on a topic once he considered it finished. "You know I do. I hate to admit it, but yours really is better than mine."
A smug look crossed his face. "I know."
She rolled her eyes at him, unable to stop the laugh that escaped her. "Again with the modesty? One of these days I'm going to make you the best damn cup of tea you've ever had, and you'll be wishing that I made you tea more often."
"I'll believe it when I taste it."
Resisting the urge to stick her tongue out at him, she instead sent him a mock glare at the almost daring tone in his voice and in his eyes, as if he was challenging her to do so.
Maybe one day I will.
She walked over to his couch, grabbing the cup of tea sitting on the table as she settled herself on the couch, knees pulled into her chest as she leaned back against the armrest.
Her eyes closed as she inhaled the delicious, fragrant aroma wafting from the steaming cup. When she took a sip, she couldn't stop the content smile from forming on her face as she tasted the sweetness of her favorite tea.
A tear trickled down her face as she remembered everything that was attached to this tea. Her mom. Ethel. Now Levi. It was rare for her to get emotional over a cup of tea, but ever since Ethel died, there had been some moments where she couldn't contain the happy reminder that came from this tea.
His calm voice broke her from her thoughts. "What do you have to do today?"
She sniffled, brushing the tear aside. "Usual training, and then Erwin wants me to start testing out these abilities with Hange and Mike first. I…I don't know how I feel about it."
"What do you mean?"
Her brow furrowed as she tried to put into words why she felt uneasy about this. "I just don't think I like the idea of accessing their memories, if I'm even able to. I already hate how much I've seen from you without your permission."
He sighed. "I already told you it—"
She turned her head to face him at his desk, sending a frustrated glare towards him. "I know, you've said it's fine, but I still hate it. It just doesn't feel right, like I've stolen something from you, something no one was supposed to see."
"Once you've got control over it, you won't have to worry about it."
Her frustration dissipated as she forced herself to share one of the things she was really worried about. "But…but what if I am able to control it, but I still accidentally see one."
That was something she truly worried about. She'd worked so hard to earn Levi's trust, to get to this point with him. The last thing she wanted, was to do something that could mess it up.
"You're worrying about something that hasn't happened. If it does, we'll deal with it then. But I can tell you, if you tell me it was an accident, I'm going to believe you. The only way I wouldn't believe you is if it started happening all the time."
Always the voice of reason.
She sighed. "I know, and you have no idea what it means to me, that you trust me that much. Maybe one day I'll get used to the idea. But it doesn't help that I barely know Mike. I barely even talked to him when we were all on Erwin's squad. It feels odd that now all of a sudden, I'm supposed to try to look into his memories. How could he possibly be okay with that?"
"Mike trusts Erwin, and if Erwin is asking this of him, he'll do it."
Her head fell back, a frustrated groan escaping her. "I just hate this ability, and what I hate even more, is that it makes me sit here and whine like a child."
"There's a difference between whining and being upset about something. It makes sense that you'd be upset about this."
She turned her head to look at him. "You think so?"
His brow quirked up at her question. "I wouldn't have said it if I didn't."
She rolled her eyes. "So incapable of a damn straightforward answer."
She could hear the amusement in his voice as he spoke. "I gave you a damn straightforward answer. You just asked me to confirm what I'd already said."
"I…well…fine. Fair point." She shot him a glare, though it was weakened by the humor shining in her eyes. "I hate when you make such good points."
His gaze held hers in place, somehow reassuring her that she didn't need to worry about this. "Just do with him what you did with me. Tell him to give you something to look for, and let him know that if you are able to see his memories, that you won't look for something without his permission."
"I guess that makes sense." She stood, needing to go get ready for the day. "Oh, before I forget. Erwin wants you there too, he says he wants to see how it works first before I try with Mike. But only if you're okay with it."
He shrugged. "Doesn't bother me."
"Good, you know I'm not going to ask you to do something that you're not comfortable with."
"I know."
She started to walk out of his office, stopping, gathering her courage to tell him what she wanted to do later that night.
She turned back to face him, though she had trouble holding his gaze, still not liking that she had to tell him what she wanted. "Levi, I…I want to try again tonight…if you want. I want to see how far I can go without anything happening."
His patient eyes held steady on hers. "Only if you want."
"I…I do," she murmured. "I want this, with you, and I'm going to fight back. I don't want him to win, to take this from me. Ever since I was old enough to think or know about these things, I've been told no one would want me like that, and for the longest time, that's what I thought. And to finally have someone who does…I'm…I'm not letting him take it from me."
She could see his face soften with affection and understanding. "I told you, we'll get there if this is what you want."
Even though the nerves were knotting her stomach, she could also feel the excitement running through her, eager to start, eager to get closer to finally being with him, even if it meant she had to guide him with what she wanted until she moved past this.
An warm smile filled her face. "I'll see you later today." She turned to walk out of his office.
That evening after training, Isa stopped to eat a quick dinner, and then made her way to Erwin's office, stomach twisting with nerves, dreading this interaction.
She knocked lightly on his door.
His deep voice called out from inside. "Name and business."
She took a breath before speaking, hoping to quell the anxiety, ready for this to be over with. "It's Isa, sir, I'm here to test the...memory thing."
"You can come in."
She opened the door, letting it close quietly behind her, and saw that Mike and Levi were already there, waiting. Levi was leaning against the window with his back to it, Mike's shoulder was resting against the bookshelf in Erwin's office, arms crossed in front of him.
Her hands clasped awkwardly in front of her, fingers twiddling, unsure of what to do or how to start.
She wasn't sure why, but she found Mike's presence intimidating. It was ironic, considering Levi held a more intimidating aura, but she'd never felt nervous or afraid of Levi, not even at the beginning. Of what she felt, what he made her feel, yes, but not of him.
Luckily, Erwin spoke before she needed to even consider what she should say or do.
He gestured towards the chairs in front of his desk. "Have a seat, Isa. You mentioned that you feel you have a better handle on this ability of yours now, correct?"
She walked over, sitting in one of the empty seats. "Yes, sir. I've been working on it with Levi, and as long as I keep whatever I'm trying to see as specific as possible, I'm usually able to see one of his memories. I don't know if there's a way to keep me from accidentally accessing one yet though."
She could see that light in his eyes, the one that she'd seen in the past whenever he was trying to figure something out. "I'm curious to see what it looks like, if you don't mind."
She shook her head. "Not at all."
She glanced at Levi, and he walked over to sit next to her.
Her eyes told him that she would always keep her promise to him, to never try to see a memory of his without his permission, not on purpose at least. "I'm only going to stick to things I've already seen, to be safe."
His eyes told her he trusted her word, even if he felt the reminder was unnecessary. "Whatever you feel is best."
She hesitantly reached out to take his hand, and thought of a funnier memory, one that would ease her nerves.
I want to see Commander Shadis headbutting Levi.
As it always did, she saw the flash of light before the world faded to black, drawing her into Levi's memory. When she came back, she met Erwin's gaze, who was watching, curiosity filling his eyes.
Just as she'd expected, the memory helped loosen the knots in her stomach. "I'm not sure what it looks like to others for…obvious reasons."
He leaned forward, arms resting on his desk, hands clasped together. "It just looked like you were sitting there staring at each other, and didn't seem to last more than a few seconds, so not very noticeable."
A wave of relief washed over her at that. Some of his memories had felt like they'd lasted for a long time, and she'd worried that if someone were to see, they would know something was happening.
"Do you want to see it again?"
He nodded.
She turned back to face Levi, this time thinking of the tavern memory.
I want to see Levi arm-wrestle the tavern owner in the Underground.
After the memory finished, she glanced at Erwin.
"I can't see anything that would make it obvious what's happening, though the idea of this is still intriguing. Go ahead and try with Mike."
This was the part she had not been looking forward to, as she watched Mike trade places with Levi, who took his place back over by the window.
She cleared her throat, thinking back to what Levi had told her. "So…first I want to say, I don't know if I'm actually going to be able to see your memories, but if I am, I'm promising you now that I will never look for one without your permission. I know that asking for you to trust me when I say that is a lot, since you don't really know me."
She watched as he glanced at Erwin, and then Levi, who both gave him a nod, silently telling him that she meant what she said.
He turned back to her. "It's fine, I can trust what you say."
Some of the nerves in her stomach loosened, as she let out a breath she hadn't noticed she'd been holding. "Okay, then next, all I need is a memory you're willing for me to try to see. It needs to be something specific, and then I just have to be touching you to be able to access it."
She could tell he was filtering through his memories as he looked for something he felt comfortable potentially sharing with her.
His eyes came back to hers. "You can try to see when I fell out of a tree when I was a kid and broke my arm."
"Is that the only time something like that has happened?"
She thought she saw the slightest glint of humor come into his calm, gray eyes. "Yes, I learned my lesson after that."
She nodded, tentatively holding out a hand, dreading what might happen as she watched him place his hand in hers.
She glanced back, meeting his eyes, and he gave her a nod, giving her permission to try.
She did her best to focus as she kept the thought as specific as possible, just as she'd been doing with Levi.
I want to see when Mike fell out of a tree and broke his arm when he was a kid.
Nothing.
I want to see Mike fall out of a tree and break his arm as a kid.
Nothing.
Erwin cut into her attempts. "Did anything happen?"
She shook her head, feeling embarrassed that it wasn't working, though she also felt relieved, knowing Mike was one less person she'd have to worry about seeing a memory by accident. "No sir, nothing."
He leaned back in his chair, hand coming to rest under his chin as he thought. "Can you try another memory? Maybe one even more specific?"
She knew it was pointless, but she was willing to try if Erwin was curious enough. "If it's okay with Mike."
She watched as Mike's brow furrowed, trying to find another memory. "How about the first time I used ODM gear?"
She nodded in agreement. "I think that's about as specific as you can get."
She let herself focus once again, keeping the thought specific.
I want to see the first time Mike used ODM gear.
Nothing.
She turned to face Erwin, pulling her hand from Mike's. "I'm sorry, sir. I just don't think Mike is one of the people my mom mentioned in her letter."
She thought his eyes held the slightest hint of amusement. "I'd honestly be surprised if we'd guessed right on the first try. Would you like to try with Hange tomorrow?"
That was when Isa realized she had yet to tell her best friend about this ability.
Hange is going to kill me.
"I can do that, sir, but if I may, I'd like to be the one to tell Hange. I…I haven't told her about this yet, and I'd prefer she hear it from me."
"That's not a problem, just make sure you both are here tomorrow evening, same time as today."
She felt that she needed to bring to attention another worry that had been bothering her since Erwin had asked her to try out these abilities on other Scouts.
She took a breath. "Sir, I'm a little concerned. My mom, she made it clear that there were people after her and my dad because of our abilities. I just don't want it to get around that I'm able to do this, don't want this information falling into the wrong hands."
She saw the understanding come into his eyes, and she was relieved to see it. "I can assure you, Isa, that I will not force you to try this with anyone you're not comfortable telling. I'm just curious to see if it works on other people, since your mom mentioned that in her letter."
"I appreciate that sir."
"One other thing before you go. I heard back from my contact at the Military Police. He said there were no records of your parents ever being enlisted there."
Her eyes boggled. "But…their jackets?"
His eyes turned serious, as if the new information was confirming what he'd told her previously. "That's not to say that they weren't Military Police Officers. It's quite possible that whoever had them killed wanted to make sure any trace of them was erased."
She didn't like the sound of that, and it had her stomach tightening back into knots. "I'm…I'm not sure what to make of that to be honest."
He let his arms rest on his desk again as he spoke. "That's why I'm not going to make you tell people you're not comfortable with telling. Trust me when I say, we will do our best to make sure nothing happens to you, to make sure this information doesn't fall into the wrong hands."
Not promising that nothing will happen, just promising that he'll do his best to make sure nothing happens.
I'd be more worried if he was making promises he can't keep. No one can promise that nothing will happen. It just doesn't work that way.
He's never given me a reason not to trust him.
Her eyes met Levi's, who was watching her, and she saw him nod.
She turned back to Erwin. "I trust you, sir. I dedicated my heart to this branch. I'm not about to stop now."
"That's good to hear, you're free to go now."
She saluted him before walking out, waiting for Levi outside the door.
As she waited, her nerves began to jangle, remembering what she'd asked of him this morning, curious to see how far she'd be able to get, temporarily pushing aside the worries that had come with the new information Erwin gave her.
I didn't know a person could want someone this badly.
I thought it was bad before I was with him, before I kissed him, but this is more intense than anything I've ever felt.
I hate that we have to go this slow. I've already waited so long, and I just want to be with him.
I want to know what it's like, all of it.
Just like he wants it all with me, I want it all with him, including this.
So lost in thought, she didn't notice when Levi walked out of the door, didn't notice him standing beside her.
She jolted when she felt his finger graze down her cheek, pulling her out of her mind.
She could see the humor in his eyes from her reaction. "Head stuck in the clouds again I see."
She rolled her eyes, but there was nothing she could do to stop the laugh that escaped her, thinking back to all the times he'd had to keep her from running into something or someone. "You know me so well."
"I don't need to know you to know you do that."
"The infinite wisdom from Erwin's most devout follower."
He sent her a mock glare, though she could see the amusement and affection in his eyes, knowing her teasing never bothered him. "I don't need wisdom to know you're a pain in the ass."
She giggled, nudging him with her shoulder. "Just like I don't need wisdom to know you're a grouchy ass."
His head shook as he chuckled. "Well this grouchy ass is going to make some tea. Do you want some?"
She brightened at the suggestion. "Always."
"I'll meet you back in my office then."
They parted ways, and she walked back to his office, letting herself in and settling herself on his couch. As she sat and waited for him, she could feel the nerves begin to jangle inside her. She wanted to try again, see how far she could go, but she was also worried that the same thing would happen again.
Damn that stupid bastard for putting me through this. It wasn't bad enough that he assaulted me, but now I have to live with the remnants of that?
It's keeping me from being with Levi, the way I want to be, and it pisses me off.
I just don't understand why this had to happen to me, dammit.
Haven't I had to go through enough? Can't I have just one thing?
She lost track of how long she sat, staring into the fireplace, and it took a hand in front of her face holding a cup of tea to pull her from her thoughts. Blinking, she looked up to see Levi's amused face looking down at her.
Smiling sheepishly, she reached up to take the cup from his hands, eyes closed as she took a sip, enjoying the sweet taste of her favorite leaves. "Thank you."
The tea soothed her as it always did, the gentle reminders of everyone she loved, the delicate fragrance, the gentle warmth. She didn't know what it was, but Levi's tea was always the best she ever had, and she'd been close with a tea shop owner.
He sat down next to her, draping his arm over the back of the couch, leg crossing over his knee. "You should work on keeping your head out of the clouds."
She shot him an amused glance, taking another sip. "Why bother when I have you around to keep me from running into things?"
He chuckled. "Maybe one day I'll let you run into something, and you might learn."
She poked at his shoulder, giggling at his words. "You wouldn't do that. Then you'd have a mess to clean up. I know how much you hate those."
She could tell she'd made her point when he didn't respond, and simply leaned back further against the couch, taking small sips of his own tea, holding it in the way that was uniquely Levi.
"What do you make of what Erwin told you?"
Her brow furrowed as she leaned back against the couch, her hand coming up to her chin as she thought. "I'm not sure what to think, honestly. It makes sense, his theory. The only other thing I can think of is that they were pretending to be part of the Military Police, but I don't think that's the case. I'm just more worried about this information falling into the wrong hands. I have my fair share of…enemies."
He brought his hand up to her face, applying gentle pressure. "Hey, look at me."
She didn't resist and let her head turn to the side so she could meet his eyes.
His thumb brushed across her cheek, face serious as he held her gaze. "Like Erwin said, we're going to do our best to make sure nothing happens to you. I'm going to do everything I can to help keep you safe."
She slid closer to him, enjoying the way his arm came around her, hand resting on her shoulder as he drew her closer. "I know, Levi, and that helps, like it always does. It just makes me nervous with how much I don't know."
He gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "We'll figure it out. Have you gotten any closer to figuring out that code in your mom's letter?"
A frustrated look passed over her face, and she let her head lean against his shoulder. "No, Erwin mentioned that I would need a key word of some sort, but I have no idea what that could even be. Plus, even if I had it, I have no way of knowing how to decipher it."
"Maybe there's some book of codes out there we don't know about, one that could tell you how to figure it out."
"Maybe, but I don't even know where to look."
Leaning closer into his side, she loved the warmth coming off of him, still as comforting as ever. She was grateful when he didn't press the conversation, as if sensing she didn't want to think about it anymore. As they sat in silence, she could tell he was waiting for her to decide, waiting for her to move, allowing her to take the lead as they worked through this, and she could feel the nerves coming back.
What do you want to do, Isa?
I hate that I have to do this. I understand what he's trying to do, and it's so sweet of him, I just hate that my mind is forcing things to be this way.
I just want him to be able to take over.
Taking a breath, she set her now empty cup onto the table in front of her, turning her head to face him, meeting his eyes. Her nerves were slightly calmed when she saw the endless patience in them.
'You don't have to worry about this, not with me, not ever with me.'
His words gave her the push she needed as she leaned in and pressed her lips gently to his, bringing her arms around his neck, sighing into his mouth as she followed his lead, loving that at least with this, her mind allowed her to let him have control. She felt his hand come up to her waist as it had so many times before, enjoying the feel of the searing heat through her shirt, eager to feel it on her bare skin once again.
Letting herself get lost in the feel of his lips on hers, her own hands came up to brush through his hair, down to his neck, enjoying the shiver she felt run through him when her fingers teased the skin beneath his undercut.
It still amazes me that I'm able to have an effect on him, the way he has on me.
He pulled back, trailing his lips along her jaw, brushing them against the sensitive spot in her neck sending a shiver through her. Her breath hitched when she felt him suck at the tender flesh, marking her as his, and it sent another thrill through her, the idea of being claimed as his had her blood running hotter.
That…that's new.
I…I like that...
Desperate to try again, needing more of his touch, she felt as if now was as good a time as ever.
She took in a deep breath in an attempt to quell her nerves, and reached for the hand resting on her waist, pulling it up to her breast.
Nothing. No images, no reminders of what had happened.
Tears pricked in her eyes when her mind rewarded her for her courage, allowing her to enjoy the feel of his hand on her, his lips still brushing across her neck, moving back up to her jaw, and she could feel the tingles running through her, centering from where he had his mouth and hand on her. Her breath hitched when she felt his thumb run gently across her nipple, teasing it through her shirt into a rigid peak.
Needing more, desperate to feel his hand on her bare skin, she grabbed his hand once more, guiding it up under her shirt and, for the first time ever, letting it rest on her breast, no barrier in between his hand and her skin.
He pulled back, the desire in his eyes had her own curling tighter inside her stomach. "Are you okay?"
The searing heat of his hand resting directly on her was distracting, dizzying, sending an avalanche of new sensations throughout her body.
Her heart was pounding in her ears and she half wondered if he could feel it, practically bursting out of her chest to land in his hand. Nestled in the palm of his hand, it was as if she'd been made specifically for him, and only him.
He hasn't even done anything…he's barely even touching me, and this is how I react?
She had to force herself to focus and answer his question. "I'm f-fine, I promise."
Needing his lips on hers once more, she reached up, pulling his head down, latching onto him, relishing in the combination of her mouth on his and his hand on her breast, relieved to have made some progress. She shivered when his thumb brushed against her nipple, this time without a barrier, and the feel of his roughened fingers brushing across her softer, sensitive skin was exhilarating and had her breath hitching. She could feel gentle pulls flowing to her core, centering from where he teased her.
Wanting to learn, she let her hands drift down to the hem of his shirt, teasing the skin there as she had the night before. Pushing herself further, her hands slipped under the crisp fabric as she let her fingers trace along the dips and ridges of the hard muscle. The feel of his lean body reminded her of how powerful he was. She remembered the feel of her legs wrapped around him as they flew, how his muscles had flexed and moved as he maneuvered them through the air.
And now, those same muscles quivered at the faintest brush of her hands, and had her reeling at the idea that she could make this powerful man react this way. She wanted to learn more, wanted to know every way she could make him as crazy with desire as he made her. Letting her hands move to his back, letting herself experiment, her fingers brushed across his lower back, intrigued in the way he shivered, reveling in the reaction.
It really isn't just me.
She couldn't stop the low moan when she felt him scrape his nail lightly across the rigid tip, embarrassed that she reacted so intensely from the simplest of touches, but too overwhelmed at finally feeling his hands on her to care. That familiar ache was building inside her, but different than what she was used to, but the gentle touch wasn't enough. She wasn't sure what to do. She needed relief, but didn't want to push herself too far, didn't want to ruin the progress they'd made.
I know he's going slow, staying gentle, letting me adjust, not wanting to do too much, and I'm grateful for that. I think he's right in that we should go slow, it makes sense.
But dammit this is so unfair.
How long will it take for me to get through this?
It's been a day and I'm already impatient.
Even though I'm insanely nervous, I just want to be with him. I trust him, I know he'll never hurt me.
Why did this have to happen to me?
Pulling back, her heart raced beneath her chest, skin burning hot when she saw the heat in his eyes, but she also saw the endless patience in them, reminding her there was no rush.
Walls, what did I do to deserve him?
She couldn't stop the shy smile from forming. "It worked, Levi."
He pulled his hand from under her shirt to brush some stray hair behind her ear. "I knew it would. I told you, if this is what you want, we'll get you through this together. We'll just take it as slow as you need."
"Thank you, Levi."
He rolled his eyes in amusement. "You don't have to thank me."
"I know, but I'm going to anyways. I don't think I'd be able to trust anyone else to help me through this, only you, Levi."
Despite the relief that what he'd suggested had worked, the incessant ache hadn't gone away, driving her insane, and she had to fight the urge to shift her legs, to clench them tighter, desperate for some friction, not wanting to let on just how needy she was from his light, teasing touches. She needed to do something about it before she did something embarrassing like take care of it in front of him. No idea why, but she found the idea of touching herself in front of Levi...arousing, liking the idea of his searing gaze latched onto hers, watching her as she took herself up and over the edge.
What was even more shocking, was when another image appear in her mind, one of her and Levi touching themselves in front of each other, his hand around his cock, hers buried between her legs, his piercing blue eyes latched onto hers, both faces flushed with arousal as they watched each other bring themselves to their peaks. Both fantasies had more arousal pooling between her legs, the ache growing further, shocking her.
What the hell?
Her face was starting to flush again, breaths starting to shallow ever so slightly, eyes widening and filling with their own molten heat as she stared at Levi.
I…I don't know how I feel about that.
Well…I know how I feel…that's obvious…but I don't know how I feel about the way I feel…am I supposed to find that idea so arousing?
And…what if he doesn't like the idea? Just like he won't force me to do something I don't want, I'm not going to force him to do something he doesn't want.
But how would I even ask?
Why do I even want to ask?
I couldn't do that in front of him…right?
She could see confusion come into his eyes at her reaction, eyebrows furrowing, and she saw that he was about to say something, most likely to ask her if she was alright.
I need to get out of here before I embarrass myself.
I can't believe I'm this worked up over his hand on my breast. He was barely touching me, just letting me get used to the idea of him touching me.
How the hell am I going to react when he touches me in other places?
That…idea isn't exactly helping either…
How do I leave without it being obvious why I'm leaving?
What's a good excuse I can give him?
When she thought she saw awareness dawning in his eyes, she panicked, the first thing that came to mind fell from her lips as she stood from the couch, stumbling as she walked. "I…umm…I forgot I need to go tell Hange something about our research with titans."
Her face flushed further when she tripped over the table in front of the couch, the only thing stopping her from crashing onto the floor was Levi's hands as they came to her hips to steady her.
"I'll…I'll be back in a little bit."
Face flaming at the lame excuse, desperately hoping he bought it, she made to bolt out of the room to go deal with the ache, hating that it had to be this way, not knowing how to even suggest what she'd imagined. Before she could even make it to the door, Levi had caught up with her, hand grabbing her arm to gently hold her back.
Dammit he's fast.
She heard him take a breath behind her, as if preparing himself for what he was about to say. "It's not just you, okay?"
It took her a moment to realize what he meant, and her face flushed even further. She knew he was trying to reassure her that she wasn't alone in reacting so strongly, and it helped, but she was still embarrassed at how easily she'd reacted to him.
His hand came up to her shoulder, thumb brushing across her jaw, attempting to soothe her nerves, and she had to suppress a shiver. "Just…just tell me what you need."
She had no idea how she was supposed to tell him. "You just had your hands on me, what do you think I need?" The words came out in an embarrassed squeak at having to admit how much she'd reacted from just the simplest of touches.
"Hey, look at me."
She didn't resist when he turned her to face him, though her eyes closed tight, not ready to meet his gaze.
"Isa, open your eyes." She thought she could hear the slightest amusement underlying the patience in his voice at her reaction.
She shook her head, fearing he'd know what she wanted if she did.
She felt him tuck some hair behind her ear, and could hear the concern in his voice as he spoke. "Whatever you want to do, just tell me, but you don't have to hide from me, okay? I can't help you if you don't tell me what you want."
Her face burned even hotter. "I…I just don't know how to say it. I…I don't know how you'll react."
Another featherlight touch down her cheek, and the familiar feel helped soothe her slightly.
"Don't think about it," he murmured. "Just take a breath and spit it out. I promise you, it's going to be okay."
Doing as he said, she inhaled, and the words blurted out of her before she could stop them, though her eyes remained closed, shoulders hunched, fearful of his reaction. "I want to touch myself while you're touching me."
Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.
How the hell did those words come out of my mouth?
A shiver coursed down her spine when she felt his lips brush across her ear as he whispered. "Then do it."
His voice held the slightest hint of his commanding tone, and had her eyes snapping open to see him watching her with that searing gaze. Even though she could see the heat in his gaze, they remained calm and patient, helping to ease her own nerves as she swallowed thickly, nodding. Before she could lose her nerve, she practically dragged him to his room, pushing him on the bed, before sitting next to him, nerves and desire warring inside her.
He took her chin in his hand, gently bringing her gaze to his. "Relax, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Just tell me what you need me to do."
She could slowly feel the knots in her stomach loosen, knowing he would never hurt her or push her to do something she didn't want to do. Even though she hated having to tell him what to do, she knew it needed to be done for now.
She took a deep breath. "I…I want you to touch me…like you were, but I…I want to see if you can do it without me…"
He held her gaze, needing to be certain this was what she wanted. "Are you sure?"
"Y-yes."
He leaned in, pressing his lips on hers, working to coax away the nerves, to make her feel comfortable, his hand sliding under her shirt to rest at her waist, allowing her to slowly adjust to his touch once again.
She felt the tension in her body slowly leave her, sighing into his mouth again. She laid back on the bed, pulling him with her without breaking their lips, letting his comforting presence soothe her further as he settled beside her, hand stroking lightly at her waist.
His hand moved slowly up from her waist to the side of her breast, slowly easing into it once again. Teasing the smooth underside, his fingers grazed along the sides before gently cupping her in his hand. He pulled back, needing to make sure she was still okay, never wanting to do anything that would make her afraid of him, never wanting to do anything that would hurt her.
Watching him with wide eyes she nodded, relieved that nothing had happened when he'd touched her. She couldn't stop the shy smile on her face, or the way she nibbled at her lip, reveling once again in the feel of him touching her.
Shivering when she felt him tease at her nipple bringing it to a rigid peak, she simply let herself enjoy the feel of his calloused fingers as they sent new sensations washing across her, different from the feel of her own fingers. Taking a breath, not giving herself time to think, she eased her hand down her body and into her pants. She slid her fingers through her folds, stunned at how soaked she was, wondering if she should feel embarrassed, too needy to care.
Not wanting to draw it out, desperate for relief from the ache that was quickly building once again, she brought her finger up to circle at her clit, setting a steady pace, one she knew would get her what she wanted. She was so worked up from his teasing touches as his fingers brushed across her soft skin, she could already feel herself getting close.
Her breath left her in shaky pants as she worked her way to her peak, the feel of his gaze on her building her arousal more than she could have thought. Circling her finger around the sensitive bundle of nerves, her movements were even tighter, firmer, the knot inside her building with the combination of his touch and her own. The speedier, firmer, almost desperate nature of her touch was contrasting with his light, teasing touch, sending clashing pulls throughout her system, pushing her closer and closer to the edge.
Her eyes involuntarily moved to meet his, and she swallowed at the heat in them, sending another arrow to her center, drawing a needy whimper from her, the aroused flush on her face deepening. She thought she would have been embarrassed doing something like this in front of him. Instead, it only worked to fuel the tension building inside her.
It might have been because she always felt safe with him, no matter what, even when she was nervous or afraid. She trusted him fully, and even though he couldn't touch her everywhere she would have liked just yet, the feel of doing this with him was more thrilling than she could have ever expected. Unable to break his gaze, she didn't even want to as breathy moans escaped her. Looking into his eyes as they seared into hers sent a golden heat streaking under her skin, centering from the tingles of his hand on her.
Her skin burned even hotter when he leaned down to whisper in her ear, a shiver coursing through her as his lips brushed across the soft shell. "Come for me."
His words had a choked whimper escaping her as he gave her nipple a light pinch, sending a final jolt to the knot inside her as it finally tightened and burst, her head falling back, eyes clenched tight, a low moan escaping her. The waves crashed over her, her breath shuddering as she rode them out until they settled.
As she floated, it took a moment for her breathing to slow until her eyes finally fluttered open. Gaze involuntarily moving down, her breath caught in her throat when she saw the obvious tent in his pants. The realization that everything they'd done had aroused him the way it had with her spurred her to move, pushing him onto his back as she kneeled beside him.
Heart thundering in her chest at what she wanted to do, her gaze moved to his face and she saw that his eyebrows had knit in confusion.
'I can't help you, if you don't tell me what you want.'
Despite what she had just done, she struggled to hold his gaze as she forced the words out of her mouth. "I…I want to touch you."
His eyes widened, and she could see the concern and surprise filling them, overtaking the heat, though it still remained present. "Are…are you sure?"
She nodded, though the nerves remained present in her eyes, voice wavering ever so slightly. "I'm sure. Just because you can't touch me as much as we'd like right now, doesn't mean I can't touch you. He never made me touch him, it never got that far, so I should be okay."
Other than nervous as hell.
He sucked in a breath. "Only if you're sure. I meant what I said last night. I…" His eyes darted away from her. "…I can take care of myself. This isn't something you have to do."
His words only fueled the previous image she'd had of the two of them pleasuring themselves in front of each other. Walls, it was something she wanted to do with him...but one, she didn't even know how to ask, and even if she did know, she didn't think she'd be able to. At least...at least not now. And she knew he'd meant every single word from the night before, promising to go slow, promising that this wasn't all he wanted with her. Yet, she found that she wanted to do this, she wanted to see him, touch him. Even though he couldn't go as far as she wanted with her just yet, she still wanted to do more with him.
The slightest hint of determination filled her, wanting to try, wanting to learn more. Her eyes held steady on his, voice no longer wavering, though the nerves were still present. "I want to do this, if…if you want me to."
She watched his throat bob as he swallowed.
"You know the answer to that." The huskiness of his voice sent a shiver washing across her skin, loving that he wanted her as much as she wanted him.
Nodding, she took a breath, slowly reaching her hands out to unbutton his pants. This was it, the moment she'd been waiting for, for so long. A combination of nerves, anticipation, and excitement filled her. Shaky hands worked his pants and boxers down, revealing him to her for the first time. Her breath caught in her throat as she froze, eyes going wide, and she had to struggle to keep her mouth from falling open.
All that is…supposed to eventually fit inside of me? Is that possible?
She could feel his eyes on her, and she knew that, despite his own needs, his own desires, he was watching her for any sign of distress, not wanting to push her further than she was ready. Despite that, despite her initial nerves, she drank in the sight of him, loving that he was sharing this with her, that he wanted her, that she'd done this to him. She hadn't had any expectations when it came to this, had nothing to compare to, but she had a sneaking suspicion that he was on the larger side, and the thought had both nerves and desires knotting in her stomach.
Well Sherri…you might have been right.
His curious voice broke her from her observations. "Right about what?"
Her eyes shot to his, widening when she realized that she must have spoken out loud. She cleared her throat, a sheepish smile forming on her face. "Just that she always used to say that short men are short because…because their height went elsewhere."
Why the hell did I tell him that?
How the hell did that even come out of my mouth?
His breathless chuckle and the amusement mixing with the desire in his eyes had her flushing further, though the humor was helping to ease the butterflies in her stomach. She brought her gaze back down and took a deep breath, ready to take even the smallest step towards finally being with him.
Okay…here goes nothing.
Curiosity, coupled with determination, was helping to override her nerves, though they still remained present, buried under her desire to touch, to try, to learn. Reaching out a hand, her fingers stroked lightly as she explored, intrigued at the feel of him, hot and hard, a thrill arrowing through her at the sound of his breath hissing out of him when her fingers made contact with his sensitive skin. There was a fluid that had leaked from the tip, and she traced a finger through it, spreading it, a heat washing through her at the low groan the touch drew from him. The idea that what she was doing had an effect on him, the way what he'd done had had an effect on her, set her skin aflame.
Glancing up, she saw that his eyes were latched onto her, searing into her, watching her every move. The amusement was gone, replaced by pure desire, and she realized that he was trusting her to do this, letting her try on her own without guidance from him, though she knew if she asked, he'd help her. It was surprising to realize that she didn't want his help. Despite the nerves, she wanted to try this on her own, to learn what he liked, the way she wanted him to be able to eventually learn what she liked. The fact that she'd done this to him was giving her the slightest bit of confidence.
'You don't have to worry about this, not with me, not ever with me.'
Even though she was still nervous, didn't want to mess up, his words to her drove her, guiding her as her fingers brushed across him. She could see his clenched jaw, his furrowed brow, and she realized that the light touches must be torture. When she touched herself, she couldn't stand teasing touches for too long, always giving into her impatient need for release. Thinking back to the romance books she'd read, she wrapped her hand around him, excitement mixing in with her nerves at the feel of his pulsing skin in her hand, eager to try, eager to learn.
I guess it's pretty obvious what I need to do.
She slowly began moving her hand up and down, easing into the feel, loving the way his breaths began to puff out the longer she stroked, allowing herself to adjust to the feel of him in her hand, relishing in the idea that she was bringing him pleasure. Experimenting with a tighter grip, she picked up the pace, another thrill arrowing through her as she watched his head fall back onto the pillow, a husky groan escaping him, hands clenching tight in the sheets. It was ironic to think how just that morning she'd been wondering if she'd be capable of doing the things she'd read about in her books, and now, here she was, doing something she'd wanted to do for a long time. And she relished in the feel that she was doing this to him.
A flush had crept its way up his face, his skin glistening and bangs sticking to his forehead as she worked to drive him to his peak. His eyes were screwed shut, mouth parted, and the sound of his low grunts were fueling her desire to please him, her own arousal pooling once more at the sights and sounds.
When she swirled her thumb across the tip as she stroked, it earned her a needy groan and a buck of his hips, so she added that, desperately wanting to please him, reveling in the knowledge that she was doing this to him, that it wasn't just her who reacted so strongly. His soft grunts and groans were filling the air around her, guiding her movements, and as she kept up the strokes, she could feel his cock begin to twitch in her hands every so often.
Moving her hand at a steady pace, she did everything she could to help push him over the edge, keeping a rhythm she thought he liked as she worked his length, relishing in the sight of the fluid that leaked from his tip, in the feel of him throbbing in her hand as she pushed him closer and closer to his own peak. She watched in awe when his hips gave another buck against her hand, his release shooting from him as a strained groan escaped through his clenched teeth.
I…I did that.
And the thought was exhilarating.
So distracted by the sight of him as he slowly came down from his high, she didn't realize she was still stroking until his eyes shot open, a strangled grunt escaping him as he gently pulled her hand off him.
His eyes met hers, and she swallowed thickly. She watched as he pulled his handkerchief from his pocket, gently wiping her hand clean. Taking the cloth from his hand, she wiped him off, cleaning the remnants of his release as she kept her touches light, not wanting to hurt him, before tucking him back into his pants. Face flushing, she gave him a shy smile, but before she could say or do anything, he'd flipped her over onto her back, hovering over her, eyes full of affection and amusement at the surprised squeak that had escaped her.
"You didn't have to do that." His voice was full of warmth, reminding her that he'd never push her into something she didn't want to do.
She loved the feel of having to look up at him as he hovered over her, somehow feeling even safer with him that way, as if his body were a barrier between her and the world. "I told you, I…I wanted to."
She wasn't sure what it was that had removed her filter, but for some reason, she felt more able to tell him what she was thinking in that moment. "These things, they can't be one sided, it can't be just about me, so if there are other things that I can do, that we can do, I want to do them. It's like you said, we just have to find ways to turn this positive for me."
The way he looked at her in that moment, the admiration, the affection in his eyes, the never-ending patience, made her feel beautiful. Words at this point meant nothing to her. But she could die happy with him looking at her that way, and she couldn't stop the shy, affectionate smile from creeping back onto her face, nor could she stop the flush that reappeared on her cheeks and neck.
Her body hummed when he leaned down to press his lips on hers, mind going blank with the lazy, languid way he kissed her, nothing else registering but the feel of him above her, the feel of his lips on hers, the taste of him, the smell of him, all of him overwhelming her senses so that to her, they were the only two people in her world. When he pulled back, the shy giggle escaped her before she could even try to stop it, loving the amusement on his face at her reaction, as if he were actively trying to get that reaction from her.
He brushed his lips across her forehead, "Whatever you want to do," her cheek, "whatever you feel comfortable doing," her other cheek before leaning back to look down at her again, "we can try. I just need you to tell me. I'm not a mind reader."
She couldn't stop the laugh that escaped her at his words. "I-I know, I just…I don't like having to tell you. I just wish it were different. More…normal I guess."
There was such an endless well of understanding in his eyes, and she knew that he understood it was difficult for her, but the patience she saw in them helped, probably more than he could ever know.
"I know," he murmured, "but I know you'll get there, we'll get you there. Just give it time. Besides, normal is whatever we want it to be."
A sly look came into her eyes at his words, always looking for ways to tease him. "Look at you, spouting all the wisdom as always."
His lips quirked up in amusement, and it thrilled her, knowing that she was the only one who could make him smile, make him laugh. "Look at you, being a pain in the ass as always."
Lip caught between her teeth, her eyes sparkled with affection. "I know you like me this way, so there's no point in complaining about it."
She could feel the breaths tickling across her face when he chuckled lightly, eyes growing even warmer. Reaching up, she brushed at the bangs that were hanging down from his head. "Was it…was it okay?"
She saw the teasing light come into his eyes, and her face grew even redder, almost wishing she had the filter back that kept her from saying things like that.
Why the hell did I even ask that?
His lips twitched at her question. "You're really going to ask that? I thought it was pretty obvious."
The memory of what had just happened, what she'd done, what she'd seen, what she'd heard came to mind and had her blood running hot, arms crossing across her chest. "I…well…yes…okay fair point."
His hand brushed the hair out of her face, a small smile on his face as he looked down at her. "We'll get you through this, however long it takes, and then," he leaned closer, lips brushing against her ear as he whispered, "it'll be your turn."
A shiver raced through her body, the husky promises in his voice had more images appearing in her mind, of him using his fingers on her, his mouth, without her having to tell him where to touch, and she desperately wanted all of that.
I hope I don't always have to tell him where to touch, I'm not crazy about it. But if it means I eventually get to be with him, the way I've always wanted to be with him, then I'll do it.
She stared up at him, loving the way his blue eyes looked down at her. "I should probably umm…go clean up. I'll be back in a bit."
"Just remember that you don't have to hide from me."
"I won't, or…I'll try not to. I know you don't want to push me, but I might need one sometimes, like what you did earlier. Everything is so new, and I don't always know how to say what I want."
He gave her a small nod, eyes full of warmth as he brushed his thumb across her cheek, and she could see the promise in his eyes that he'd do everything he could to help her.
She wriggled her way out from under him, but before she could move off the bed, he'd dragged her back into his arms, cradling her head with one hand, the other arm wrapping around her as he crushed his lips onto hers. Her heart leapt into her throat at the act, completely taken off guard. Her lips parted on a gasp, which he took advantage of, her own arms wrapping around him, drawing him close, fingers threading through his hair. A heated fog formed in her mind, more intense than she'd ever felt, as she lost the ability to sense anything other than him. When he pulled back, she could only stare at him, eyes wide, mouth agape, her lips still tingling from the searing kiss, as she struggled to regain the ability to think.
His eyes were lit with their own fire, but she saw the amusement in them from her reaction. "Now you can go."
Dazed, she shook her head, trying to clear the fog from her mind as she slowly rose from his bed.
Glancing over her shoulder as she walked, she saw him still watching her, and the amusement still present on his face had her flushing...yet again. Making her way to her room, she grabbed her things so she could go wash up, hoping that one day, she'd be able to leave him with a similar dumbfounded expression on his face, making him lose all ability to think.
A/N: I went back and forth, so many times, with how I wanted this to go. This was originally supposed to end with her running out of the room to…take care of things, but they both managed to surprise me. Every time I tried to stick with that original plan, this kept coming back to me, so finally, I gave in, and it feels right. I'm hoping this isn't too fast, but the way I kind of see it, is that since she was the one making the decision, it kept her from having a flashback. The fact that she has to be the one telling him what to do may or may not be an issue for her later on.
It won't always be this easy, and there will be setbacks/relapses, which usually happens with any form of healing, but they were fighting me on this in my mind, and it was blocking me from being able to write anything else.
This chapter marked my first time writing anything smut related (not counting that solo session) and it was a lot harder to write than I had thought, so I'm still a little nervous about it. When it comes to this, I keep comparing what I write to what I've seen from other fics, and it makes it even harder haha
Thanks for reading! :) Feel free to let me know what you thought, if you want. :)