In every color
Chapter 06. Moonless night
Lying on his back on the sofa-bed in the barn, one hand under his head, Jubal stared into the darkness without even being able to make out the ceiling boarding, his eyes blind but wide open.
He could not sleep. His heart was beating too hard. He stretched his other hand over his chest, trying to calm it down, but it seemed impossible. His entire being felt taut as a bow drawn to full draw, anxious as the arrow about to be shot. The problem was, he didn't know against what. No, rather, he didn't know how to hit the target. He had no choice but to admit that the target was, indisputably, Isobel.
He allowed himself to bask in the memory of the timbre of her voice, of the sparkle he had seen in her eyes as they sang, of how fused he had felt with her at that moment. It had been tremendously overwhelming. And thinking about it now, made him, all of a sudden, desperately yearn -need- to feel her just as close again. Just as close as that morning, when she had accidentally fallen on him. In those ways and in other different ways. In every possible one. He sighed silently. It was unsettling.
Surely, it was just the result of thinking about it too much.
He sighed again. He could no longer just lie there. He dressed carefully so as not to wake his children, and went outside. He needed to get some air.
·~·~·
She had no idea how long it would have been, but Isobel knew she was sick of tossing and turning, unable to fall asleep. That night her brain refused to switch off. And on top of that, no matter what else she tried to think about -work, her past, the book she was reading, even housework- her mind kept drifting back to Jubal.
A concealed thought kept returning again and again to the warm, stimulating touch of his body back in the pantry... And she kept wondering what would have happened if she had let herself go. But it was simply absurd. Jubal had just gotten out of a relationship. Getting carried away, Isobel would only have embarrassed herself and made him uncomfortable.
And then she kept coming back to the smiles, the anecdotes, the good humor Jubal had shown throughout the day; to the integrity and dedication with which he did his work; to the affection he obviously had for his children. To the captivating intensity of his hazel eyes when they had sung together…
Exasperated, Isobel got up. Without changing out of the comfortable old kittens t-shirt she had gone to bed in, she pulled on jeans and an open sweatshirt, and left the room where Jess had put her up. Moving through the house careful not to make any noise, she stepped out onto the porch.
·~·~·
There was a new moon and the night was very dark, but it was also cool and fragrant. Jubal decided to take a walk around the house; he began to walk, slowly. The night air cleared his head a bit, and gave him a pleasant feeling of serenity.
And then his eyes met Isobel's recognizable silhouette on the porch.
It had been more than fifteen years since Isobel had quit, but at that moment she would have paid good money for a cigarette. She was thinking that it would surely have helped to calm those nerves she felt, similar to when one overdoes it with coffee, when she saw Jubal walking in the garden. Her heart skipped a beat.
They both saw each other at the same time, as if they had sensed the other's presence, so neither could pretend not to have noticed. As their gazes met, Isobel smiled unconsciously, and Jubal's feet carried him onto the porch beside her without even coming to think about it.
He gestured amusedly at the kittens on Isobel's T-shirt, pleased to have the opportunity to see that more domestic -more approachable- version of her. Isobel shrugged and smiled again.
"Can't sleep?" asked Jubal in a whisper.
He said it so quietly that Isobel couldn't hear him; she gave him a slight gesture of incomprehension. He took a step toward her and leaned down.
"I asked if you can't sleep," Jubal spoke softly, his breath brushing gently against her ear. Isobel couldn't suppress a quiver. "Why?" he added, because the answer to the other question was obvious, before pulling back to look at her again.
With an expression that played down its importance, Isobel evaded the question; narrowly managing to flee from his proximity, she sat down on the bench on the porch. Jubal hesitated a moment, but sat down beside her stretching his long legs out in front of him, crossing them at the ankles.
Together they gazed up at the very dark sky. With no artificial lights to challenge them, the stars twinkled like sharp needles. Without the background noise of traffic, without the omnipresent hum of electric lighting, the absolute silence was accompanied only by the soft, musical chirping of crickets from the grove.
"What peace..." Isobel commented in a quiet voice that made strange things inside Jubal. He had to force himself not to look at her.
"Yes." He cleared his throat silently. "What a difference from the city... Don't get me wrong; I love New York, but sometimes it makes me forget that places like this exist," he said quietly. Jubal took a slow, deep breath. "The air is so pure here that my lungs can't seem to cope with it."
Isobel smiled; she inhaled and exhaled slowly as if under suggestion. "It's a beautiful place..."
"Is this your first time you've been here?"
"No, Jess has invited me on other occasions, before the pandemic. But I hadn't been out in the countryside in a while. I missed it. Long ago, I used to hike a lot."
"Oh, is that so?" said Jubal, somewhat surprised. The look Isobel always wore when she went to work had made him think she was strictly urbanite. She nodded at his raised eyebrows.
"And why not anymore?" he asked, curious.
Isobel's expression became a little sad. "I stopped... having with whom ..." She sighed, getting rid of her melancholy. Jubal wanted to inquire further, but she changed the subject before he could do so. "There are several beautiful trails around here. Tomorrow we could do one with the kids."
Jubal's enthusiasm at the idea was unexpectedly intense, delighted at the prospect of doing something new with her outside the office, at Isobel wanting to share something she liked with them. With him. He had to dial it down a couple of notches in order to answer.
"That would be great," he agreed with a broad smile.
There was nothing Isobel could do not to be tremendously pleased by his response. They spent some time stargazing, making plans and talking about possible trails. Isobel suggested a not too steep ascent to a waterfall and some mountain pools.
"I had a great time today... you know?" she said, still whispering. "Abi and Ty are awesome."
"Well, you've seen the best side of them," Jubal replied just as softly. "It's not the same when they are lazy to do their homework or pick up their things." He paused reflectively. "But yeah, they're awesome." His expression became introspective and his gaze filled with affection for his children.
Isobel's heart plunged toward him. She had lost count of how many times today she had felt that... gravitation. She reminded herself again that this was Jubal, that they worked together side by side, and that he had just ended with another woman.
Jubal glanced at her furtively out of the corner of his eye. "So are you," he dared to say, not quite sure how, perhaps because the words came to his mouth without him being able to control them.
With her pulse racing, Isobel tried in alarm to extinguish again what had ignited inside her, without admitting it was there. But it was an impossible task, like those in the Russian fairy tale: 'Neither on foot nor on horseback, neither naked nor dressed...'
"I'm glad to see you are in better spirits," she sought to distract herself and change the topic.
And she jumped out of the frying pan, into the fire. Jubal lowered his head in some embarrassment.
"I've been very sullen lately, haven't I?" said Jubal somberly.
Every time he remembered Rina, spite and contempt kept catching him off guard to deal him a hard blow, from which was always hard for him to recover.
"It's perfectly understandable," Isobel rushed to reassure him, sensing his unease with distress. "I'm very sorry about what happened, by the way," she suddenly made the most of the occasion.
She had not had the chance to tell him until now. In fact, he had never given her the opportunity, and the truth was that Isobel had been hurt by that lack of trust.
Jubal turned his face toward her, head tilted to one side with some irony.
"Come on, Isobel. Everyone knows that you and Rina-" he restrained himself from saying 'can't stand each other' "don't get along. I don't think you'll be sorry to see her go.
And there was the reason Jubal had kept his distance, of course. Isobel made up her mind to clarify that question, now, at that very moment. Turning around too, she looked him in the eye.
"That's true," she declared honestly. "But I don't enjoy your suffering either," she assured him with determination. "Quite the contrary," she blurted out, and as Isobel said it, she regretted having done so.
The air was caught in Jubal's throat, suddenly intrigued. Once again.
The sudden gleam of interest in his eyes seriously fanned the flames Isobel wanted to ignore... and practically sent her into a panic. She stood up biting her lips, as Jubal followed her with a puzzled look.
"Well, I'm going back to bed," she stated, feigning a yawn.
Stung by an intuition, Jubal got up; gently, he half stepped in Isobel's path to the door. "You didn't answer my question before..." he said tentatively, coming a little closer."Why couldn't you sleep?
Although she could have dodged him, she paused, and struggled to find with an answer to give him. Still didn't wanting to admit that the reason she couldn't sleep was him, Isobel was hardly going to come up with another reason, because there wasn't one. She looked up to discover Jubal closer than she was able to handle, but she didn't find the strength to back away either.
Jubal had tried to withdraw after speaking to her, but he was drowning in Isobel's eyes, impossibly black and beautiful in that near absence of light. Isobel was his immediate boss; he should not let himself to be dragged along... But he didn't seem to have a choice. The longing that had invaded him earlier was unconsciously pushing him to keep coming closer. He leaned again over Isobel's ear.
She could smell his personal scent, only slightly scented and definitely masculine, causing a warm wave to sweep over her up and down.
"A nightmare?" insisted Jubal at her silence.
"Something like that," Isobel muttered. An absurd reverie that tormented her, rather. But her body did not seem to think so. The very idea stirred her, kindled her inside, making her tremble.
"Do you want to tell me about it?" he offered in a whisper, solicitous.
Isobel shook her head, breathless. This time, after speaking, Jubal had hardly moved away. His face -his mouth- was so close that she could...
Without even knowing he was doing it, Jubal placed gently his hand on Isobel's waist. It was as if that very slight contact completed some kind of circuit. She raised her face. He sought her lips. No one could have determined which of the two had finished the move. They just were not kissing one moment and the next...
The sound of a door closing, although very slight, separated them with a start.
Still with the very brief but indelible sensation of Isobel's lips against his, Jubal looked around. It was not long before he spotted Tali, who had left the house through the side entrance and was heading for the barn, where Tyler was waiting for her at the door. Together, they set off on a leisurely walk heading into the woods, oblivious to the fact that they were being watched. She carried a flashlight in her hand. Shaking irritated his head, and not daring to look at Isobel first, Jubal left the porch, hurrying after them, to catch up before they get to the trees.
With her heart pounding wildly in her chest, part of Isobel wondered if what she thought had happened had really happened; while another, knew she could never forget that second of intoxicating contact they had shared. Jubal was walking away to deal with the kids. Isobel hesitated, but in the end gave in to the impulse to go with him.
Perceiving that she had followed him gave Jubal great relief, and helped him to control his disordered pulses.
"Hey," he drew their attention with a whisper as he continued to approach them. The two kids jerked their heads around with a start. "Where are you going?" his tone more quizzical than reproachful.
Tyler grimaced. Tali just looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Jubal reached them.
"Tali is going to show me the salamanders and newts in a stream nearby," said Ty plainly.
Jubal's expression was absolutely suspicious. "Is that what they call it now?" he asked sarcastically. A step behind Jubal, Isobel could barely suppress a smile.
"What?" said Tyler, uncomprehending.
"Do you have to sneak out in the middle of the night to go see them?" Jubal inquired, clearly annoyed, but without raising his voice.
"They only come out at night," Tali murmured.
Jubal scowled at the two of them. "You can't go out at night alone. And without telling anyone. What if something happens to you?"
"We carry our cell phones," Ty replied automatically, as if it were a truism. For those Generation T kids, the cell phone was just like an extension of their own body.
"Yes, of course," said Jubal in exasperation. "And how many times have we discussed about the cell phone not being infallible? But that doesn't matter, Tyler, do you really not realize how inconsiderate this is?" he asked, still quietly but angrily. "Imagine if I discover in the middle of the night that you have disappeared. How do you think I'd feel?" He couldn't help but sound very disappointed.
"We were going to be back long before you got up..." Tali tried to explain.
"No," Tyler admitted ruefully. "You're right, Dad. I'm sorry."
Tali looked frustrated, but Jubal thought she couldn't be a tenth as frustrated as he was. He looked at them alternately. "Ty, come here for a minute," he said, and led him a few yards away.
Tali and Isobel looked at each other not quite knowing what to do.
·~·~·
"I know I've let you down, Dad. I'm sorry," Ty agreed right away bravely.
In order to stop the quarrel that had welled up in his throat, Jubal had to sigh heavily.
"All right..." he answered in a deep voice. "But was watching newts the only thing you were going to do?"
"Yes, Dad. That was the plan, I swear," he assured, his look totally honest and sincere.
Jubal exhaled and ran his hand over his face. "I believe you". He looked into his son's eyes. "And now I want you to be honest with yourself. Do you really think watching newts was the only thing that was going to happen?" He let the question sink in for a moment and added, "The two of you, your heads together, at night, alone…"
Ty blinked. Despite the lack of light, Jubal saw his son blush. "We've said it wouldn't be nice to make advances this weekend..." Jubal added. Tyler ducked his head and hunched his shoulders."OK. Look, I'm going to give you some advice that I learned the hard way," he stared at Tyler: "If you don't want to fall in the temptation," he paused for emphasis, "don't put yourself in the situation where you could," he concluded.
Suddenly, he couldn't help but feel a bit hypocritical, after what had just happened with Isobel. Had he gone against his own advice? Should he simply have avoided exposing himself to that situation? He put that out of his mind; he couldn't think about that right now.
Meanwhile, Tyler frowned and, a moment later, his eyes widened in understanding. Grimacing with regret, Jubal shook his head as if to say, 'Indeed'. He was relieved his son had understood he was referring to his own infidelity without having had to say so explicitly. Ty's expression became thoughtful. He nodded. "Yes, Dad."
Jubal patted his shoulder. "All right. Be more careful next time."
The two returned to Tali and Isobel.
"But I really wanted to share that with Tali…" Tyler complained.
·~·~·
"So... You were going to look for salamanders and newts?" Isobel asked Tali casually as they waited for Jubal and Tyler to finish talking to each other.
"Yep," Tali replied while blushing noticeably.
O-key... Isobel held back a laugh, suspicious of the girl's further intentions. She tried to coax more out of her, but got no more than monosyllables.
Finally, Ty and Jubal approached them again.
"Why don't the four of us go?" Tali proposed before Jubal could say anything. "So we don't have to cancel the plan. Please, Uncle Jubal. Pleasepleasepleaaaase," as she put on her best puppy eyes.
Jubal smiled at Tali with a tenderness that touched Isobel, but then shook his head. "I can't leave Abi sleeping alone in the barn. And your father doesn't know anything... Why don't we make a plan to go tomorrow night?"
Tali pouted a bit childishly, but didn't argue further.
"You told me you know the constellations," Tyler said then. "We can't see the stars in the city; would you show them to us? I'd love to know how to recognize them..."
And he looked at his father, as if silently seeking his support. Tali smiled again in excitement. Jubal exchanged a hesitant glance with Isobel. She wanted, and at the same time did not want, to be alone with him. Perhaps it was the same for Jubal. In any case, he decided to agree.
Tali located the jarapas they had used that afternoon on the porch. They spread them out in the center of the meadow behind the house, and lay down to watch the stars. The sky was a rich tapestry of black velvet, embroidered with rhinestones. Tali pointed and explained each shape, each constellation. Next to her, Tyler asked her questions and seemed to be very serious about memorizing what she told him.
Beside Tyler, Jubal listened only half-heartedly, hyper-aware of Isobel's presence so close, and so far away, on the other side of the two kids. On the one hand, he was dying for the chance to repeat what had happened before between them, to prolong it. On the other, he had no idea of the implications. He feared it had been some kind of isolated incident, an accident. Or worse, a gesture uniquely his own and unwelcome. Although... Jubal's lips could clearly remember that Isobel's, soft and luscious, had eagerly responded to his touch. In fact, they were going to remember it very often for quite some time. And it would always ignite a searing flame within him.
Lying next to Tali, Isobel tried to convince herself that she should pretend nothing had happened. The alternatives, she tried to analyze coldly, involved a lot of uncertainties that was better off not having to deal with. Yes, that was the best option. To pretend as if Jubal's proximity hadn't electrified her insides, as if his lips hadn't left her irresistibly thirsty, as if she didn't actually yearn intensely to do it again... Damn it. It was the best option, but she had absolutely no idea how the hell she was going to pull it off.
After a long while, Jubal stifled a yawn and noticed that Tyler and Tali had been yawning often for some time now, that their voices had become drowsy. "I think we should call it a night, guys. Let's get some sleep."
Everyone agreed. Jubal and Ty accompanied Tali and Isobel to the house. As they said goodbye, Tyler thanked Tali for showing him the constellations. She gave him a shy smile and Jubal knew his son's knees must have turned to jelly, because that's what would have happened to him if Isobel had smiled at him like that.
But that was not the case; Isobel's expression was kind, but absolutely controlled, as it usually was at work. Uncertainty grew within Jubal and was painfully aware that, perhaps, he was just projecting unwarranted aspirations onto her. In any case, with Tyler and Tali present, now was not the time to broach the subject. They all said goodnight, and Isobel and Tali went into the house.
Just before disappearing out the door, however, Isobel glanced at him very briefly over her shoulder, perhaps because she thought he would no longer be looking, in a way that, despite his doubts, left Jubal feeling like he might take flight.
~.~.~.~