Chapter Elven
It's my first time back at an early morning leaders meeting. Hannah staying at my apartment had been the perfect excuse to miss out on so many the past few weeks. Now she was in initiation, there was no getting out of it.
Although the other leaders had been keeping me up to date with everything, and I was in the office most afternoons it still felt like I had missed plenty. Hannah had completely absorbed all of my attention and time. Even still as I sat in my seat she was on my mind.
"Heard your little shadow gave Four a heart attack last night?" Harrison says as he takes the seat beside me, grinning like a fool. He always liked to stir up trouble.
"Idiot thought he had lost her. She just fell asleep in my apartment. It will just take some time for her to adjust. Four needs to keep a better eye on her. I did, so can he," I simply retort, it shouldn't be that hard to keep an eye on an initiate.
"Heard she figured out where the cameras are, that girl is going to keep everyone on their toes. She's going to be a firecracker, but I'm sure you of all people already know. Shadow will have some competition with the Dauntless born, they think she's been getting tips from our scary leader." He says suggestively. Most people do think I have been training her behind the scenes, they obviously don't truly know me.
"Not you too, her name is Hannah, not Shadow. No training from me at all, she's been training with some of the others though. She also had some training before she got to Dauntless." I retell Harrison, even though he probably knows some of this information. It had been made known to the leaders Hannah's full history, or what we knew.
"I'd heard about her wee party trick. Max cannot stop boasting about her, you would think he trained her himself. Any asset is an asset for Dauntless. All the crap he normally comes up with."
Before I can respond to Harrison, Max is trying to get the meeting started. He's going over the minutes of the previous meeting. I spend the time zoning in and out. There's only so much effort you can give to the heating budget or what should be done with the rise of food allergies throughout the compound. Those pressing issues were not the reason that I became the youngest Dauntless leader in history.
"Initiation started yesterday as you would all know. We have a total of thirty-seven this year with room for twenty members. The rest become residents, as per the new rules of Chicago. The first cuts are happening at the end of their first month of training. We will need to decide which positions we will leave for members and those that will go to the residents. There will also be a bit of adjusting for the final jobs at the end of training. However, that does not need to be decided just yet."
"Are we thinking of removing existing members in the kitchens and retail to more 'Dauntless' jobs?" Tori questions, looking at Max for the answers.
"At the moment no. With the seventeen and the few who choose to reside in Dauntless during the initial relocation, it would not be enough to facilitate the faction. We should see growth in the next few years and maybe then we can evaluate at that time. However, senior positions will remain for those who are members at this time." Max responds.
"Will the initiates be given a choice in where they will be placed or are we to allocate them?" Tori questions, probably one of the only ones paying attention to Max.
"They will be given a limited choice, but there is still room for them to find their place in their chosen faction. It's going to take some getting used to, but I don't foresee too many hiccups." Max states before looking over at me with a smirk on his face. This can't be good. "Hopefully you will all remember Eric Coulter. He was a leader here, but his shadow has been taking a lot of his time. He also seems to have taken a fancy to cake in the recent months." He ends in a teasing tone that is not normal for Max to say to me. I've probably never done something to warrant it.
"Very funny Max. It was six weeks, and I was in the office all most every day. Her name is Hannah, not Shadow." I reply to his comment, rolling my eyes. The others just smirk at me, finding pleasure in a joke at my expense.
"Oh, come on Eric, it's cute. She followed you around like a little puppy. I'm sure you are excited to go back to your bachelor ways." Tori says, but her eyes sparkle with a hint showing she's trying to be playful. I know from our night in the tattoo parlour she knows I am far from excited to have my space back. She knows however, that would not be wise to say to anyone, leader or not it would not end well.
"She only followed me around because that is what she was told to do. She has plenty of friends, and I'm sure she will make more during her initiation." I respond matter of fact I should be glad to have my space back, not jumping at the bit to get her back and no one needs to know any different.
"Will you then become her shadow?" Harrison askes from the spot beside me, and I throw him a glare in his direction. "What do we call it now? Keeping an eye on anyone who shows promise or potential that could be used to the benefit of the Dauntless faction."
"I will be doing the same as with every initiation. I will spend time with both transfer and Dauntless born initiates to oversee their training and look for potential for those who could join the higher ranks." I recite my job description in regard to initiation, and most of the leaders take it for what it should be. If I keep a close eye on Hannah, that is no one's business.
"Are there any surprises at the moment?" Max asks, trying to get back on topic.
"Nothing completely out there. We have an additional two initiates who were factionless. However, from their files, they didn't seem to have such a hard time. Both boys had family members with them. Hopefully, they adjust quickly. We have a significant gender difference this year, which will need to be considered when it comes to rankings. Something we all agreed on a few months ago."
"Will you be joining them this afternoon?" Harrison asks as he turns to look at me from his chair.
"I will be with whichever group is using the gun range in the afternoon. I know they were taking it in turns. Ranks will be going up for each group at the end of the day. We have a week until the first fights that should give them plenty of time to catch onto the basics."
Max simply nods his head in acknowledgement, before moving on. "Alright, thank you Eric for keeping us informed. The next part of the agenda is the issue of monitors in the control room."
I start drifting as they discuss how they are going to stop the computers from overheating. I wonder what Hannah is up to. Did she get up in time this morning? Had she made friends with any of the others in her class? Had they started learning the different punches? Had they gone for a run outside this morning? Was she enjoying getting back outside?
I knew I couldn't show her any favour when she was training. It was going to be hard to not ask her about her day. Knowing that when I would come home, and she wouldn't be waiting on the sofa for me, would make the day go just as slow as it used to.
We break for lunch, not long after they decided they will add another ventilation system in the control room. The whole discussion sounded more like a technology seminar from Erudite than a Dauntless leadership meeting.
When I make it to lunch, I see the initiates have already made it and seem to be enjoying the break. Many of the transfers look exhausted, not used to pushing themselves daily. Hannah, however, almost looks cheerful, having got used to working out and training with the girls in the afternoon. It had been good for her and would be a great benefit for the next months of initiation.
I find Four sitting separate from the initiates, and I head straight for him. I pull myself to sit in the spot beside him, not grabbing any food. He turns to stare at me, as he chews on his own food.
After a moment, I finally break the silence between us. "How did today go?"
"Are you asking about all of them or one in particular?" He questions, even though we both know what and who I am really asking about.
"Does it matter?" I glare at him, and when he doesn't answer straight away, I roll my eyes before answering. "Fine, how is Hannah getting on?"
"She seemed to enjoy getting out on our run. She can keep a good pace. You know how it always goes on the first day, half of them can't keep up and the other half can't maintain the speed that they started. She needs to work on her punches. She needs more power behind them." He looks behind him, at his table of initiates before staring back at me, whispering his next comment. "She isn't settling with the group. I think she's missing everyone she's normally with. Most of them know who she is and saw the video that got out. They aren't scared of her, but more like they just find her strange. They watch her, constantly, and I don't think she enjoys the attention. Hopefully, it will calm down in a few days. She will hopefully bond with a few of them. Some would be better than others, for her, but that's her decision to make." He says before taking another bite of his lunch.
"What are you going to do to fix it?" I retort to him, and I can feel instantly it was the wrong thing to say.
Four gives me a look of disbelief, before grabbing my arm and marching me out into the hallway. "Do you even hear yourself? Who are you? What am I going to do? Hannah is a big girl. She can decide who she is going to be friends with. It's only going to be for three months and then she can spend all her time with her friends again. She's already different compared to the rest of them. We can't have it looking like she is getting special treatment. What happened to you making every initiates life hell? Or is Hannah the only one getting special treatment?" He snaps at me, looking frustrated. Only keeping the volume down so the whole faction does not hear.
"You can't have them put her down. She didn't choose to be factionless, she didn't even choose to stay here. We need to give her the same chance as everyone else." I argue back at Four, taking a step towards him, to call him out.
"Do you not remember calling Tris a stiff? She didn't choose to be born in Abnegation. Throwing knives at her. What about Christina, hanging her over the chasm? Every initiate class, even our own you picked on those that were weak or there was something about them that you perceived as a weakness. You attacked them for it."
I snap back at him. "They were different." Hannah has had so much happen to her, why would Four not see that Hannah needs to settle into Dauntless.
"No, you see Hannah different. You see her as a person, rather than a weakness. You can't tell me you are going to treat her the way you would have any other initiation. I heard how she talks to you. You would kill the rest of us if we talked to you as she does, let alone an initiate. Why is she so different for you?" Four looks frustrated and has started to raise his voice, at me, which only causes me to shout back at him.
"She just needs a little help. She doesn't deserve…"
He interrupts me and also gets close to my face. Even though he is barely shorter than me, I can't tell at this moment. He is furious and looks the same as he did during our fight in initiation when I brought up his original faction. "None of us deserved to be treated the way you used to. You went around making everyone's life miserable. People call her your shadow, but in reality, you are hers. You allow her to go around here doing what she wants. She was training when she shouldn't. Sneaking into a member's apartment, getting tattoos before she was in her initiation. You are going to get her killed if people think for one second, she is getting more marks or any easier of a time. They will go after her for it. I will ask you again why her?"
"Why not her?" I scream back at Four. "I'm allowed a friend; I'm allowed to have an interest in her training." Tension is evident between us, and we glare daggers at the other.
My comment causes a change in Four, and the look he gives me is murderous. "Are you sleeping with her?" He whispers, but it's evident, he wants to scream at me.
I don't even answer his question. I punch him in the face, and he punches me back.
"Who the hell do you think you are Four? Think about what you just said. You think I held her down and had my way with her. You think I would force myself upon her, promising a spot in Dauntless in return. Hannah has had enough shit in her life. She has come so far, and I don't want the weeks it took for her to trust us, all of us to be lost. This is the girl who would sit with you at lunch, and be fascinated at the food, but frightened that it would be gone the very next second. The girl has nightmares most nights but refuses to acknowledge them. I don't know the people she is sharing a dorm with; I want to keep her safe. I thought you wanted the same Four." I angrily growl at him, trying to keep the noise down knowing that most of the faction are within earshot. Hannah doesn't need more people looking at her, and two leaders fighting about her will only cause that.
"I'm sorry that was stupid of me." Four speaks up a bright red mark on his face, and I can only assume I have one as well. "You know you asked me the same question when Tris was in her initiation."
We back away from each other. Making sure to cool off before anyone see us. "You were though." I try to reason with him, huffing at him as I rub my jaw.
"Not then. I cared for her, more than I should, more than I wanted to. I needed her to make it through and I would have done anything to make sure she was safe. I had no clue what any of it meant, but I knew that I couldn't do anything to stop it."
I stare back at Four, wanting to say that I feel like that about Hannah, but I know what that would be admitting to. I know I don't want to do that, even to myself.
Thankfully Tris comes out to the hallway to stop my confession, or before Four does it for me. She gives us both a questioning look, before dragging her boyfriend back in for lunch. I follow and this time sit eating my lunch in silence.
Four stands up from the table-turning to look at me. "Are you joining us this afternoon?" He asks, the previous conversation not forgotten.
"I plan on it. Will you be up at the targets?" I ask him.
He nods his head smiling over at his girlfriend, before leaving to get the initiates to follow him back to their training. I watch as they stand to leave, and I quickly spot Hannah as she trails after them, not speaking to anyone.
"You want to explain what that was all about?" Tris asks from across the table, as she finishes her lunch. We are the only ones who remain.
"When did you think, you could talk to me?" She simply shrugs her shoulders, so I huffed to myself. "Your boyfriend thinks he knows something." I look around to make sure that no one is listening in before I continue. "About Hannah and me, but he doesn't know shit." I snap back at her.
"He's a little protective of her. I think he thinks you're playing a game with her. He remembers you from my initiation, years ago. He doesn't want to believe that you could be friends with her. He believes either you will hurt her, or someone will hurt her because of you."
I whisper my next sentence, fearful that someone will hear us. However, I do not dare to look the girl in the eye. "He asked if I'm sleeping with her."
She looks shocked for a minute. "I know some people do think that. They see how much attention you have given her, and yes I know that was what you were told to do. However, now it's clear to see it's a lot more than that. Rumours went around that there could only be one reason for your interest. Four's just worried, sometimes logic goes out the window with him when he goes into protective mode. There's always an initiate or two he feels like he needs to protect. It's the Abnegation in him. He wants to give her a fighting chance and there's already a lot on Hannah's shoulders. People are going to talk about anyone you spend time with, Hannah just has to face the consequences of your actions."
"It's no one's business what Hannah and I do, but we aren't sleeping together. We talk, we train, we read, nothing wrong with any of that."
"I agree, nothing wrong with it, at all. It's just you're Eric. You don't let people talk to you. You don't let people get close to you. Even Nate, your friend is told to back off at times. But with Hannah, you want to spend time with her: you seek her out. Every time as soon as you walk through those doors, you would look for her. I don't know her as well as you do, but she challenges you, and I would say you don't mind it. Hell, I think you even enjoy it. I would put money on it, that she does too." Tris says as she keeps a close eye on my reaction, and when I don't lash out at her she smirks.
"What do I do now? I spent your whole initiation telling Four, to stay away from you, at least until you become a member. He's doing the same thing to me, but I don't know how to. I know it's only for a short time, but she became my life." I hate how desperate I sound in front of Tris, and it only makes me want to run. "I think it would do more harm to Hannah if I avoided her, she would feel abandoned. She's already had too many losses."
"And we all know how well Four listened to you. I don't know what you want: friends, more I certainly don't know what she wants, but just try and get through it. Be friendly to her and all the initiates. Just show her you are there for her when she really needs it. We are all here for her, as much as we can during initiation. It's only a few months. Take the time to let her get to know other people, those her own age. She went from being factionless to being locked up and controlled in Dauntless. That is the beauty of letting a bird spread their wings, they always come home in the end."
I look away from her, finding it strange that I'm having a heart to heart with Tris Prior. Oh, how my life has changed. "I better go before your boyfriend calls me out on this as well. Who knows maybe he will think I have been sleeping with you next?"
Tris throws me a dirty look from across the table as she stands up, sensing that the conversation is over. "You don't stand a chance, Coulter." She snaps back with a grin, on her face, again reality seems too odd to be a dream. I'm joking with Tris Fucking Prior. There is only one person I can blame for it all.
I can hear them practising before I even make it to the target range. They are all lined up ready, most are still trying to get used to holding a gun. Transfers normally take some time to get a handle on using a gun. The sound and weight of them are foreign to anyone who had not grown in Dauntless.
Hannah was near the end of the group in between the Abnegation boy and an Erudite girl. She stared at the target in front of her, the gun in her hand. It looked like she had yet to fire a single shot, as she contemplated what she needed to do.
"She's just been staring at it for five minutes. I don't know what she's thinking." Four says as he comes behind me. "Do you want to deal with it, or should I?"
I'm about to answer him, as I watch Hannah raise the gun up, but rather than aiming at the target, she brings it to the side of her head.
Four is the first one to react, striding over, shouting orders at her, causing everyone to turn and watch. He snatches the gun out of her hands once he's in front of her. She stares at him as shouts at her about gun safety. She doesn't react or respond to him, just staring at the target. I make my way over to them in the hopes of calming Four down and getting the initiates attention off the situation. "Make her talk, or she's not allowed up here again." Four snaps at me. He looks a mix of petrified and pissed at Hannah.
"Hannah..." She looks up at me, but her eyes don't tell me anything. "Let's go." I drag her out of earshot to stand closer to the exit. Everyone is still looking at us, having witnessed the whole thing because of how loud Four had been. I shout at them to continue on, shots quickly pick up again.
"Do you have any clue what the hell you were doing? You could have killed yourself." I whisper at her, anger coming as I replay the events in my mind.
"The safety was on." She simply states, obviously not affected by the situation as much as I feel.
"It was still a loaded gun. You never aim it at someone, especially yourself. What were you even thinking?" I ask her, and her eyes finally land on me.
"Do you know how many times I had thought if I just got my hands on a gun, things would be better? To just make it all stop. What would happen if I just started a fight, and a Dauntless patrol would shoot me? That's what I wanted you to do when you found me. You were meant to shoot me." She's shouting at me at this point, but she can't be heard by the others over the sound of the guns fire.
"We weren't going to shoot you; we were under orders not to. You were just scared; everything was new to you." I reason with her, trying to keep control of the situation.
"I wanted you to shoot me. I didn't want to go. I didn't want this for my life." She says pointing at her surroundings. "I had given up a long time ago. I was ready to die. I didn't think there was anything for me in this world. You were meant to shoot me; you were meant to take it out of my hands. Death by Dauntless, that's what a lot of us did." She says and there look to be tears starting to form in her eyes.
"I couldn't shoot you," I reply even sounding weak to my own ears.
"You raised your gun at me, the only reason you stopped was because of Christina. I don't blame you that is what I wanted, what you were trained to do." She whispers out, knowing I don't want to hear her words.
I ignore the dig at my actions because I know they are true. "That doesn't explain why now? You said you were glad to be here, that this is what you wanted. Did you lie to me?" I snap, my anger racing through me. I can't reach out to her, not now. She couldn't handle it, I was not going to push her.
"Of course, I meant it. I just…" She pauses, taking a breath, wiping away the few tears that have started to fall. "I always said as soon as I got my hands on a gun I would be free. Free from my life, no longer having people after me. I would be in charge for once in my life. I've never been able to make decisions for myself. I used to daydream of what it would be like. Would it hurt? How long would it take? I could be with my mother again, see Edward. He would have been so disappointed in me, but he would have gotten over it quickly. I could have been with them again, even if I don't believe in all of that crap, I wanted it. When I needed to escape, it felt like the only way."
"You don't need a gun to be free?" I scream at her, stopping her rambles. I decide to just go for it, grabbing a hold of her shoulders. She doesn't shy away from my touch, but I need to get her to see how wrong she is. I could shake her until the point is engrained into her.
"I know that. I know that now, but back then things were so different. You will never understand what it was like. To dream about dying and that wasn't even considered a nightmare. Death was the ultimate goal. Holding that gun just brought me back to those days, wanting to be free. I couldn't do it, even with the safety on. I couldn't bring myself to pull the trigger. You did that to me. All of you did that to me, and it scares me." The tears continue to flow, and she struggles to control her breathing. Her walls crumble down in front of me.
"Seeing you hold a gun to your head scared me. Never do it again, or I will kill you myself. You have been set free. You set yourself free, you are here now, and you are going to fight to show everyone you deserve to be here. You don't have to live like that anymore. Please don't ever do something like that again." I plead with her, not wanting that sense of panic to ever fill me again.
"Okay." She says in a hushed tone. She looks at me and tries to smile, but it doesn't reach her eyes and I know it's still on her mind. She wipes the final tear from her face. I watch as she takes one deep breath, closing her eyes. It's only a second, but when her eyes open it's like she's a new person. She plasters a grin on her face turning to me. "Will Four allow me to practice again or am I banned for good?" She asks me, and I know she is genuinely anxious about it.
"Come on, you need all the practice you can get. I'll keep my eye on you before he thinks you're going to do it again. No point turning the teacher against you on the first day."
She goes back to her spot, the two on either side look at her. The girl asks if she's okay. Hannah simply nods her head before turning back to grab her gun. I glare at them, and they quickly turn their attention to their own targets. Every now and again they look over at her, to see if she is alright, and the girl briefly whispers to her.
I watch as Hannah takes aim, this time at the target, firing a shot. After a while, I correct her stance and she can get close to the bullseye. I also correct her two friends as well, when I remember Tris's warning. Towards the end, her mood has changed, and she is smiling and is able to hit the centre of the bullseye's ninety per cent of the time. The other two also have pretty good shots and don't seem as anxious around me. They make sure to thank me for the help each time I instruct or correct them.
When Four calls them for dinner, they all leave except Hannah. Four stands at the other end pretending to clean up the rest of the mess left behind. I know that he is side-eyeing the two of us, trying his best to listen in on our conversation.
I decided to address her first in the hope of setting the tone, as well as cheering her up. "You did well. It would be best to spend time with your class tonight. You already gave Four one heart attack today, no need for another. I don't think Tris would appreciate that. Maybe in a couple of days, you might need a new book. Hopefully, over the weekend you might be able to talk your new friends into joining you on the rock wall. I know Nate and Uriah might be there, and you could bump into them."
"Would I bump into you as well?" She questions, hopeful that I would be there. She smiles at me, eagerly, as she waits for my answer.
I smile back at her. "As long as I'm not writing Four's death certificate."
She rolls her eyes at my comment. "I'll try my best. I better head to dinner. My friends might wonder where I am, or Four could kill me off before I get the chance to put him in an early grave" I turn around to look at him, and he does give Hannah a glare.
"See you later Eric." She says before turning to leave. "Bye Four." She calls out loudly for him to hear.
Once she is gone, Four comes over from his spot in the corner, all while mumbling she's going to be the death of him. I could not agree more.