Because we'd spent the entire night on the road, Lisa wanted all of us to take a nap, but Bobby only had two rooms open for sleeping: his with a queen bed in it and the one Ben and I had been talking in, which was the one I used to use as 'my' room all the time. It clearly hadn't been used as a bedroom any time recently, since the twin bed was shoved against the wall and he'd was cleaning his weapons in it. He'd also put a folding table in there and it was covered with books and papers. Any indication that the room used to be mine had been completely erased. None of my books were in it and the drawings I'd hung on the walls were gone, replaced with maps and other hunting stuff. I didn't think the bed's sheets had been changed in the year that we'd been with Lisa and Ben.

Lisa took one look at the room. "No," she said, shaking her head. "Nope, we're all sleeping in the other room. I'll talk to Bobby later about getting this one in shape before tonight."

"He's got a cot in the downstairs closet," I offered. "We can drag it up here and I can sleep on that so you and Ben have the bed." She looked dubious and opened her mouth to say something, but I interrupted her. "It's basically my cot," I explained. "I used to sleep in it when I had to sleep downstairs for whatever reason. It's fine."

"You sure?" she asked, concerned. "I can always take the cot and you and Ben can have the bed."

I smiled at her. "Yeah, I'm sure," I said a little shakily, hoping Bobby hadn't gotten rid of the cot the way he'd overwritten my old room. Not that he hadn't co-opted it before for some project or another, but he'd always left my drawings up, my books still there, my favorite blanket on the bed. I swallowed against the hurt and reminded myself that I hadn't been here in a year, even though I'd called him every so often just to talk to him, just to hear his grumpy voice.

Lisa nodded. "Okay then, I'll go get the cot. You two get ready." She headed out the door.

I looked at Ben. "You okay?" he asked, his head tilted.

"Not really," I said, leading him to Bobby's room right next door. "But…" I shrugged and didn't say anything else. Bobby's room looked the way it always did, which made the changes to my room hurt even more. I sighed and sat down on the bed to wait for Lisa.

I tried to sleep, I really did. Once Lisa had pulled the curtains shut, we'd all lain down to sleep. Within a few minutes, I heard their breathing even out, Lisa even snoring just a tiny bit, but I couldn't sleep. I just lay there thinking about Dean and Sam. Sam had been back for a whole year, and he hadn't even tried to see me.

Sam and Dean had that brotherly bond thing and sometimes they got mad and sometimes they argued, and sometimes Sam took off because he needed a break from Dean because Dean was being an overbearing jerk, but Sam had always kept in touch with me during those times. He'd make sure I was doing okay with my schoolwork and that I was doing okay with the nightmares and my fire and the panic attacks I sometimes got when things got too much for me. But this time, not a word. No indication that he was even back.

Was it really because he knew Dean and I were out of the life and that's what he wanted for us? Or was it because he didn't care anymore? It couldn't be because he didn't care, right? He'd always cared before, but he hadn't asked me anything about school or really anything else over the past day. It was a hunt though, so maybe he was just too stressed out or focused to think about me, even if it had been a year?

I sighed and rolled over for the millionth time. I couldn't shut my brain up. All I knew was that Sam had abandoned me again. He'd basically abandoned me for Ruby over that one summer, and then again without even saying goodbye when he needed a break from Dean, and now again because somehow it was better for me to have a 'normal life' without any contact with him.

And there was nothing I could do about the twisting hurt that the fact left in my stomach. And there was nothing I could do about the fact that I couldn't sleep.

I got out of the cot, thankful that I'd talked Lisa into letting me use it so I didn't have to worry about waking the two of them up. I grabbed my shoes and slipped downstairs, surprised that I remembered which ones to skip and where to step to make the least amount of noise. Once I reached the bottom, I put my shoes on and checked to see where Bobby was. Then I slipped past him out the front door and headed to my fire pit. Maybe there I could find some peace.

It took a minute to find it. Normally, it was easy to see because it looked like a normal fire pit someone might have in their yard to enjoy in fall weather or to burn yard waste, but it looked like it wasn't there anymore. It wasn't until I got closer that I realized the problem was that my fire pit was overgrown.

Normally, it was filled with layers of charcoal and wood and the top layer was always a pile of logs or stumps or whatever Bobby had found, but now it was flat even with the rest of the yard, covered by the leaves from last fall that were still spread over this part of his lawn. My heart aching, I dropped to my knees next to it and pushed away the leaves to see what was in the pit.

Under the leaves, I found the logs I was expecting, but with their bark starting to peel off and the wood itself starting to rot. Under them where I expected to see charcoal briquettes, I just found crushed up charcoal and under that more rotting wood. I didn't dig any deeper. Sitting back on my heels, I let the tears I'd been fighting finally fall, dropping onto my jeans.

It started small, just tears soaking my thighs as I silently cried, then I took a breath and a sob came out, then another. The next thing I knew, I was doubled over sobbing, despite every inch of willpower in me that didn't want me to be like this, to be this weak.

I told myself that it made sense that Bobby wouldn't take care of the fire pit if he wasn't expecting me back, and besides, it had mostly been my job to take care of it when we'd been visiting regularly. It made sense that Bobby would start using 'my' room as one of his project rooms when he knew I wasn't going to need it.

But the other side of me screamed that he'd taken down my art and he'd put away my books and he'd ignored my fire pit like I was never going to come back. Like he never expected to see me again and that he didn't even want memories of me clouding up his daily life.

I wanted to scream, but I didn't have the breath. I couldn't catch my breath with all these sobs, with the pain in my chest, the ache in my stomach. I hugged myself and cried.

I'd lost my parents through no fault of theirs or mine. I'd lost Dean when he'd gone to hell and then I'd almost lost him again when he was going to say yes to Michael. I'd lost Sam several times in several ways, and now from all I could see I'd practically lost Bobby. And that list didn't even start to cover the people that were actually gone, my fault or not—Ellen and Jo, Pamela, Bree, Alice… there were just too many.

It wasn't fair. It wasn't right that I kept losing people, that I was always in danger of losing people. Now, if Dean decided to go back to hunting, I'd lose Lisa and Ben, and I didn't know if I could stand that. It was too much, and the unfairness, the wrongness of it all rose up in a cloud in my mind. I couldn't see and I couldn't think, grief overwhelmed me and rage rolled in after.

My furnace was pulsing, pulsing, pulsing. For how long? It didn't matter. It hurt so much, the unfairness, the wrongness, and I opened my eyes and opened my furnace and poured all that anger, all that sadness into the fire pit, obliterating the leaves, the first pile of rotting wood, the layer of charcoal dust, and down and down. I poured all my feelings into the fire pit, crying the entire time, not caring that it was forbidden. I stared down into the pit and burned and burned.

'What in the Sam Hill do you think you're doing?" Bobby demanded, startling me. I slammed my furnace shut and turned to see him striding towards me from the front porch. "Someone change your rules? You allowed to light fires on your own now?"

I scrambled to my feet, alarmed. It might have been a year since I'd seen him and he might have erased any sign of me from his current life, but I didn't want Bobby mad at me, not with that damned hairbrush he kept in his desk.

He stopped in front of me and stared down at me. "You ain't got nothing to say?"

"I… I practice most days now," I offered, not really lying, and took a step back.

He crossed his arms over his chest. "I can ask Lisa, you know."

I shifted my weight from foot to foot, sliding my hands behind my back.

"Or call Dean," he added, pulling his cell out of his pocket.

I shook my head. "No, no, you don't have to." Dean was dealing with enough. He didn't need to deal with me too.

Bobby raised his brows at me. "So?"

I shook my head. "I… I'm not allowed to, not alone, no," I admitted, swallowing hard. My anger had faded, but my grief still sat as a tight ball in my belly.

He sighed. "Get your ass in the house," he said, waving me towards the front door. I went, and turned to look back in time to see him look down into the pit. I knew what he'd see. It was empty all the way to the bottom. I dropped my head and went into the house, taking a seat at the table in the kitchen, as far away from his desk as I could be.

My ankle twisted in nervousness as I waited for him to come back in. He probably wouldn't punish me, right? He'd leave that to Lisa and Dean, right? I gritted my teeth. I really didn't want him to leave it to Lisa and Dean. Dean was busy, and while upheaval had been constant in my life for the last 2 and a half years, it wasn't constant in Lisa's. She had more than enough to worry about right now.

I realized I was crying again when a tear hit the table, and that's when Bobby finally came into the kitchen. I hurriedly tried to stop crying, wiping my face and watching the table while he sat down.

"Talk to me, kid," he said, across from me. I could see his hands clasped in front of him on the table, and his voice was normal and calm, but I sensed a little danger there too, if I disobeyed.

I raised my head and looked at him. "Bobby," I said, my voice cracking. "You got rid of me."

"What in the… What are you talking about?" he demanded, confused. "I didn't get rid of you."

I couldn't look at him then and turned my head to look into the library instead. "You completely changed my room. You got rid of all my stuff. You let the fire pit go. It's like… it's like…" A sob caught in my throat. "It's like you decided you were never going to see me again!"

Bobby didn't say anything and we sat there in silence for a minute, not looking at each other. Then I heard him swallow hard and I looked up to find tears in his eyes.

"Jessie," he said and then stopped to run his hand down his face. "God damn it!" he exclaimed and got to his feet, pacing the kitchen. "God damn it, I did not get rid of you."

"But…" I started to say, dropping my eyes back to my lap, but he cut in.

"Did I pack up your books and your drawings and all your little trinkets from your room? Yes. Did I just let the fire pit rot? Yes. But do you know why? Do you?" Bobby demanded. "Look at me!"

I stopped staring at my jeans and obeyed. Tears were streaming down his cheeks, but he ignored them.

"I did it because I missed you," he almost yelled. "I missed you and I missed Dean and seeing those things every day, thinking about you every day…" He stopped and swallowed again, his voice dropping. "I knew you were better off. I knew that Dean was doing the best thing for you and for him, and I was glad about it, but seeing those reminders… They hurt. And I couldn't take it. So yes, I put away your stuff and I covered your fire pit with leaves, but I did not get rid of you."

Tears pooled in my eyes now, overflowing while I looked at him.

"I thought of you, of Dean, every day. Every damned day, and I thanked God, even though I missed you, wanted you in my life, that you were better off, even if it was eating me up inside," he said, looking away from me.

I flung myself from the chair then and buried myself against him, crying into his plaid cotton shirt. He held me and cried, too. At some point, we both stopped, and he handed me a dish towel to wipe my face with.

"Am I in trouble?" I asked him, feeling strangely empty inside."For setting that fire without permission?"

Bobby sighed and slumped into the kitchen chair. "No. Don't do it again while you're here."

"I won't," I said, hugging him again.

When I let go, he added. "And if you can't sleep, you might as well reload that fire pit just in case."

"Awww, Bobby," I whined, more out of habit than because I really didn't want to.

"Go on," he said, waving me away. "You know where I keep everything."

I nodded and took a couple steps towards the door before turning back to him. "Thanks, Bobby. I love you."

"I love you, too, kid," he said, and I went.

That first day we were there was really weird. Despite napping, Lisa, Ben, and I were all tired. Lisa ordered Chinese for dinner so Bobby wouldn't have to cook. I didn't eat much, and after dinner, I just went back to bed. Dean hadn't tried to call me since he and Sam had left. He did send texts though. He told me they were going back to our house to try to lure the djinn out so Sam and Dean could kill them. He and Sam had met up with their mom's extended family and they were all working together on the problem, so I didn't need to worry about them. It was going to be okay. He'd come to get me as soon as they were done.

I read the texts while I lay on the cot in Bobby's room, and they only made me feel a little bit better. If he got killed, would I end up with Sam? Or Bobby? Or even Lisa and Ben? I hoped he wouldn't get killed. But for once I was glad I wasn't there with him and Sam. Mostly because of Sam, because he'd left me again, and I didn't want to deal.

I woke the next morning with sore eyes and a slight headache, probably from all the crying the day before. Lisa and Ben were still sleeping in Bobby's bed, so I left the room as quietly as I could and got dressed in the bathroom down the hall.

Bobby was already up, of course. I found him sitting behind his desk in the library when I came downstairs. I went behind the desk and leaned against him, and his arm wrapped around my waist.

"Bobby," I said. "Do you think I could call Drake and invite him over?"

Bobby was agreeable, but he had conditions. I had to wait until Lisa woke up and ask her, and if she said yes, I had to include Ben in whatever we were doing. Lisa agreed, too, probably just to give us both something to do since the TV was broken and she didn't want us digging into all the occult books in the library. Ben was excited to finally meet Drake, since I'd told Ben about him a few times.

I didn't actually call Drake. I texted him instead.

Me: Hey, I'm in town at Bobby's. Wanna come over?

Drake: Really?

Me: Yeah. Just for a couple days though.

Drake: Gotta check.

Drake: Mom says it's ok. Be there at noon.

Me: Yay!

I was surprised when a red sedan pulled up at noon and parked in the yard near Bobby's van. I watched nervously from the kitchen window as Drake and his mom both got out. Drake was dressed in his normal clothes, a marijuana leaf on his t-shirt, Levi's, and Vans, but his hair was different. Instead of being shorter on the bottom and longer on the top, it was all longer and brushed forward to surround his face. I liked it. He made me feel warm inside.

I was too busy staring at Drake to really pay much attention to his mom, so it wasn't until they'd gone onto the porch where I couldn't see them that I figured out what was going on. I pushed away from the window at the knock on the door and went running to answer it.

Bobby beat me to it and I danced from foot to foot behind him as he opened it, revealing a middle-aged lady with shoulder-length brown hair and eyes that looked like Drake's. Her mouth was pressed into a thin line and Drake looked at me with nervous eyes from her right.

"Bobby Singer?" she demanded before anyone else could say anything.

"Yes, ma'am," Bobby said carefully, respectfully.

"You're this Jessie's uncle?"

"Yes, ma'am," he said again. I gave Drake wide eyes. What in the heck was going on? He tilted his head forward with an apologetic look.

"The last time my son and your niece were together, he snuck out of the house and was delivered back home by the sheriff. I heard she was too." she huffed. "And now they want to hang out together?"

"Yes, please," I said from behind Bobby. Her eyes shot to me for a second and then dismissed me as unimportant when she turned her attention to Bobby.

"And you're okay with it?" she asked Bobby.

"Yes, ma'am. There's not a lot of trouble they can get into here. I got no video games, no place to skate, not much for them to do except board games."

"And my dad's girlfriend's son will be with us the whole time," I added, taking a step forward so I was next to Bobby instead of behind him.

Drake's mom's face eased a little, and then Lisa showed up behind Bobby and put her hand on his shoulder. He stepped back and she moved into the doorway next to me, extending her hand to Drake's mom.

"Hi, I'm Lisa," she said when Drake's mom took her hand. "I'm her dad's girlfriend, and I'll be here keeping an eye on all three of them, too. I promise."

Drake's mom's body relaxed and she let go of Lisa's hand. "I'm Malorie Callahan," she said and handed Lisa a piece of paper. "Here's my phone number. You can call me if there's any trouble."

"I will," Lisa said, sliding the paper into her pocket.

Mrs. Callahan turned to Drake and gave him a warning look. "You stay out of trouble, young man. If I get another angry phone call or you get dropped off by the police again, you're never hanging out with her again."

Drake's face was red with embarrassment, but he was also really subdued. "Okay, Mom."

"I'll be back at five," she said and kissed his forehead. His face got even redder.

"Mom, stop!" he hissed at her, but she just smiled at him and went down the steps, turning to wave at us when she got in her car.

"Oh my God," he said, rubbing a hand down his face. Lisa, Bobby, and I all stepped back to let him in the doorway. Then Lisa and Bobby disappeared into the library while I dragged him to the kitchen.

"What was that all about?" I whispered to him so they couldn't hear.

He rolled his eyes and shook his head. "I dunno. I've been getting into a lot of trouble lately, and she's overreacting to it." He sank into a chair at the kitchen table. I went to the fridge.

"You want a soda?" I asked and when he nodded, grabbed us both a Sprite. "What kind of trouble?"

He looked defeated. "I snuck out a few times to hang out with some people and they caught me. Then me and some friends stole some little stuff from a Gas 'n Sip and they went ballistic. Plus my grades were dropping and I wasn't home all that much. Got into some fights…" He opened his Sprite and took a sip.

I slid into the chair across from him and opened my Sprite too. "Yeah, I got into a lot of trouble too. Loads of it." I leaned across the table and took his hand. "I crashed my Dad's car into a mailbox, hard, all because of a dare."

"The cool black one?" Drake asked, eyes wide. "How are you not dead? Did you hurt the car?"

I shook my head. "Car was fine," I admitted. "That's probably the only reason I'm alive, honestly. The mailbox though was rubble. I was grounded forever for that one."

We continued trading stories about all the things we did over the last year until Ben ran into the room carrying an old game of Life. He dropped it on the table and dust flew up from the lid.

"Let's play this," he suggested.

I laughed. "Ben, this is Drake. Drake, Ben." I looked at the old box and then up into Ben's excited eyes. "How long did you spend looking before you found that one?"

"Like twenty minutes," Ben said. "Bobby's board games are from like the sixties. I didn't even know what most of them were."

I smiled and noticed the smudges of dirt and dust on his cheeks. "I bet," I said.

"Let's do it," Drake added and opened the box.

We played for a couple of hours. Ben told more stories about me to Drake than I was really comfortable with, but since Ben knew that Drake knew about my fire and the fact that Dean and Sam hunted monsters, he didn't see any reason to hold back. I had to keep shushing him so Lisa and Bobby wouldn't hear. The acoustics generally didn't carry conversations clearly from the kitchen back to the living room, but it wouldn't matter if Ben got too loud.

We were just finishing up the game when I had to excuse myself to go to the bathroom. I was in there for a few minutes because I wanted to neaten my hair and wash the dust from my hands from the board. When I rejoined them in the kitchen, Drake turned to me.

"You'd kiss a girl?" he asked, a little shock in his voice.

"Ben!" I snapped and swatted Ben on the arm.

"What?" Ben asked me. He looked smug.

"Why did you have to… argh!" I dropped into my chair and looked down at the little white buildings on the Life board, tracing their tops with my finger. Then I took a deep breath and let it out.

"Yeah," I said. "I'd kiss a girl." I didn't look up at Drake. "I'm… I'm bisexual, I guess." I looked up at him then. "You know, I'm attracted to guys and girls. But I haven't kissed anyone," I told him. "Not since… not since I kissed you."

Drake looked uncomfortable and squirmed a little in his chair. I frowned. "What?" I asked. "Do you have a problem with me liking girls too?" I could feel my pulse rising and my stomach start to ache just a little.

Drake shook his head. "Um, no," he said. "That's not it." Now he wouldn't look at me. "I, um… Well, I did kiss another girl, you know, since I kissed you." He looked up at me, his expression nervous.

Sweet relief. I let out my breath. "Oh, thank goodness," I said.

"What?" Ben asked.

"Really?" Drake asked.

I nodded. "Yeah, I thought you weren't going to like me anymore. It's fine that you kissed someone else. We weren't like boyfriend and girlfriend or anything."

Drake relaxed then and we went back to playing and telling stories.

Bobby told us to go blow off some steam after we finished the game. Apparently all the yelling we were doing at the end while we figured out the winner was too much and we were booted from the house so he could have some peace and quiet.

Like he said, there wasn't a lot to do in the yard. I showed Drake my fire pit and Ben told him it was way bigger than the one we had at home. Plus he knew I'd emptied it yesterday because he'd heard Bobby and Lisa talking about it. Ben sounded proud on my behalf.

I sighed, my heart twinging with the reasons behind the fire I'd set. "Ben, it wasn't that big a deal. Besides, I was mad and I wasn't supposed to be out here burning out an entire fire pit. I'm lucky Bobby and Lisa didn't tear stripes off me."

"Yeah, but that pit is huge," Ben said.

Dean and I hadn't told Ben about the fire I'd sucked into me to save the people in the burning house a couple months ago. I didn't know if Dean had told Lisa, but Ben hadn't needed to know and I didn't want him afraid of me.

"Just shut up, okay?" I said. "You don't know anything."

Ben looked hurt and his eyes wandered away from me. Drake tried to change the subject. "Hey, that's a cool tree. You ever try to climb it?" he asked, pointing at the tree next to my old room.

I snorted. "That's the tree I climbed down when I snuck out to meet you at Roy's that one time, but I've never tried climbing it."

"I'm first," Ben yelled and ran towards the tree. Drake took my hand and squeezed it, and we followed after.

We tried climbing that tree for awhile before we gave up. Drake was the tallest of us and he couldn't quite reach the bottom branch. Ben and I tried scaling the tree, but that didn't work either. We looked around the yard and gathered random things to stand on to try to climb it, but nothing suited.

Then Ben noticed the gateway to the salvage yard.

"I bet there's something in there," he said and took off.

"Shit!" I exclaimed and ran after him. "Ben, no! Ben!" Luckily, I was still faster than he was, barely catching up and grabbing his shoulder before he went through the gateway. "Ben, you can't, it's not safe."

"Why not?" Ben demanded, pointing into the yard. "Look at all that stuff. There's got to be something in there we can use to get us up to that bottom branch. And even if there's not, look at all the crashed up cars!"

There was too much fascination in his voice for me. I tightened my grip on his shoulder. "Ben, we're not allowed in there. Bobby says we're too young."

Drake joined us right as Ben yanked his shoulder out of my hand. "No one told me that. All Bobby told me was to mind the decor," he retorted.

Drake looked confused, but I didn't bother clearing up that mystery. Drake didn't need to know about the almost armory Bobby kept in his house. "That doesn't matter," I insisted. "I'm telling you. I got lost in there for almost an entire night and then got my ass walloped for going in when I was your age. Don't go in."

"I don't think you should go in, kid," Drake said, looking from me to Ben.

"You're only agreeing with her because you like her," Ben snapped back. "I'm going in and I'm gonna find something to stand on so we can climb that stupid tree, and then you'll see." And before I could grab him again, he was in the salvage yard and gone.

"Argh, that stupid little shit!" I swore. I didn't want to tell on him. I didn't want him in trouble with Bobby or Lisa. But I really didn't have a choice.

"Are you going in after him?" Drake asked, up on his toes, ready for action. "Do you want me to?"

"No, I'm not allowed in there and that'll just make it worse. Just… just stay here and listen in case he comes back out or he calls for help. I'm gonna get Bobby." And I ran.

Bobby and Lisa both ran from the house to the salvage yard, and I couldn't keep up with them. They ran right past Drake and disappeared in the stacks, calling for Ben. I stopped next to Drake and he bumped my shoulder with his.

"I hate doing that," I muttered.

"You have to do it a lot?" he asked.

"No, this is the first time," I admitted, twisting my toe into the dirt. "Usually it's the other way around."

He laughed at that and then I smiled. We leaned against the fence while we waited for Ben to be found or to give up and come out. Our hands touched and we intermingled our fingers. Then he turned to lean his shoulder against the fence and met my eyes.

"Can I kiss you?" he asked me.

"Don't you have a girlfriend?" I asked, smiling a little as I turned toward him.

"Not right now," he said and leaned forward enough so that I could meet him halfway if I wanted to. And I did, but right then we heard Lisa's voice coming from the salvage yard. We broke apart and turned to see her dragging Ben by his upper arm.

"I don't care if he didn't tell you himself," Lisa was scolding. "Jessie told you the rule. You should've listened to her and you didn't, did you?"

"Moooom!" Ben wailed, trying to free himself, but she didn't let him.

"Did you, young man?"

"Nooooo," he whined. "I can walk myself," he added, his eyes going to Drake, his face reddening.

"I know you can walk yourself," Lisa continued, dragging him towards the house. "You walked yourself right into that salvage yard, right into possible danger, despite being told it was against the rules, despite the 'No Trespassing' signs all over the place…"

Drake and I watched them go, listening to Lisa's voice fade as they got farther from us. We turned back to each other, but then Bobby cleared his throat. Both of us froze.

"I'm not leaving the two of you alone anywhere," Bobby said, his expression amused. "Get your butts in the house and I'll make you a snack before Drake's mom comes to get him."

Despite the injustice of it all, Drake and I grinned and followed him.

It wasn't until after I waved good-bye to Drake as they drove off in the red sedan that I checked my phone, and my heart leaped. I pushed the door to the house open and yelled out.

"Dean's coming to take us home."