Chapter 2: A Grubby Fortune

Yana was assigned to share a room and work with an engineer named Guadalupe Lorenza. Lorenza claimed to dislike noise and people, so the quiet, not-quite-human Yana seemed to be a good match. Lorenza introduced her to the maintenance crew and taught her to fix things. Burnham, Saru, Tilly, and Stamets drafted a schedule for teaching Yana various aspects of the mortal world. Sarek, perhaps guilty about his role in Yana's corporeal incarceration (though he'd never admit it) also insisted on a virtual weekly lesson on logic.

I could tell you all kinds of things about Yana's first days on Discovery, such as how she learned to eat properly, but that's all quite tedious. Overall, Yana's original eagerness, good cheer, and naiveté faded after she experienced her first stomachache and realized human life was not all it was cracked up to be, and that all their cool innovations and solutions required a lot, a lot, a lot of work.

A few weeks after Yana turned human, she went up to the bridge with Lorenza to fix the captain's chair. It broke frequently. Lorenza discovered that they forgot some components downstairs and went to get them. Lorca and Saru arrived on the bridge. Lorca shot Yana and the chair an irritated look. Yana looked at the pieces in her toolkit and figured that maybe she could fix the chair's console without the components Lorenza had gone to find.

The Discovery and the USS Glenn were sister starships that both had a spore drive. As a sort of friendly competition, they tried to outdo each other's progress on making longer jumps. The Glenn could jump across solar systems by now. Stamets, Tilly, and Burnham worked round the clock but could only manage very short distances. Saru and Lorca looked at some maps of the Glenn's jumps. Lorca thought it was about time the Glenn told them their secret. Competition is one thing, but there was a war going on.

Yana pulled on some wires at the bottom of her toolkit and suddenly scattered all her stuff across the bridge with a great clatter. Lorca slowly dragged his gaze away from the map and glared at her. The bridge personnel breathed a sigh of relief. Yana was going to get Lorca's daily unjustified, unfair tirade instead of one of them!

"Oh look at that," he said, "the former Goddess of Quantum Possibilities can't even keep her hold on a bunch of screwdrivers! Did you know that in the real world, we have this thing called gravity that makes physical objects fall? Oh, so sad, you have to put a chair back together when you used to drink milkshakes out of cosmic rays and hold stars in the palm of your hand. So sad that you have to do what all of us miserable, short-lived nobodies tell you to do. But guess what, that doesn't excuse overwhelming incompetence! Pick all that up, I don't want to find a single resistor on the floor after you're done! And if I find that you've made my chair even lousier than it was before, I'll throw you out of an airlock!"

Saru, who still didn't get hyperbole even though the captain used it all the time, said, "He is not really going to do that."

Lorca turned on him and said, "You may not have scattered garbage all over the bridge, but you annoy me just by being here!"

"Well, captain, I am sorry to hear that. I will leave if my presence taxes you."

He was being completely un-sarcastic, which Lorca knew, but he was in a yelling mood so he snapped, "Leave then! Take the first shuttle to Deep Space Infinity!"

Saru really did consider leaving, but something on Rhys' console caught his attention. Yana picked up her stuff. Lorca went over to Airiam and looked at messages they'd received. Yana dithered some more by the chair until Lorenza arrived again and handed her the missing part. Lorca sent a message to the Glenn asking them to cut the crap and reveal their technology. The Glenn must have agreed, because Lorca sat down in his chair and asked Detmer to set a course for Omicron Tauri 6, the Glenn's location. After a while he decided to get up and go elsewhere but discovered that…he couldn't.

Everybody watched him try to stand up. It just didn't work. He couldn't pull himself forward. Pushing off from the hand rests didn't help either. He scraped at the seat but couldn't get his hand underneath himself. It was pretty obvious what happened. A few people had even noticed Yana doing it, but they hadn't believed their eyes.

"She glued my ass to my chair," said the captain in a tone that was a lot calmer than everybody expected. He gave the bridge personnel a look that dared them to laugh. Nobody did. "All right," he continued, "everybody off the bridge, now! Saru, make sure there's no recording going on. Then go and bring me…well, you know."

Yana made herself scarce for the rest of the day, hiding in a section of the internal machinery where her life sign couldn't be detected.

A few hours before they arrived at Omicron Whatever, the Glenn stopped responding. They hadn't been traveling at warp speed but this being a war, Lorca decided the Glenn's silence was ominous and had them go faster. They were too late. By the time they arrived, the entire crew of the Glenn was dead. One life sign still existed on the ship. Burnham, Stamets, and some others went to investigate because they could not determine what the life sign was with scanners. It turned out to be a giant monster that nearly killed them all. They initially assumed the monster killed the crew of the Glenn, but Stamets managed to nab the engineering lab's hard drive before they beamed back to Discovery.

Stamets found out the reason for the Glenn's long jumps and the reason for its untimely end. The mycelial network could not be navigated by a regular computer. It needed an organic interface. The Glenn's scientists discovered that a giant tardigrade, an extremely resistant insect-resembling animal, fed on the spores and could communicate with the mycelial network and the computer.[1] They didn't come up with this idea just out of the blue. The tardigrade smelled all the spores on board and stowed away until they found it. After watching it eat the spores and studying its physiology, they realized it traveled the mycelial network and could be put to use as the navigator.

Although the tardigrade was out and about on the Glenn, it hadn't killed the crew. That was a result of human error. A few successful jumps gave them false confidence and somebody screwed up the next one, letting the interface between the mycelial network and the real world tear up everybody on the ship. Stamets was quite upset by the death of his colleagues. The Federation sent out a medical vessel that collected the bodies and carried out the funeral proceedings. Stamets composed a poetical eulogy for the lost scientists. Lorca claimed not to have known any of the Glenn crew well enough to read anything at the funeral. During the event, he hung out at the back though he did stay for the duration.

They left the tardigrade on the Glenn until after the funeral. Stamets returned to work and determined that all of his colleagues' calculations were sound and the error that doomed them all was avoidable with proper precautions. Stamets' downhearted mood started to improve as he realized that he honored his colleagues by continuing their work. He tried to convince Lorca to beam the tardigrade onto Discovery ASAP, but Lorca thought he was out of his mind. An entire ship got destroyed because of these experiments! Perhaps humans were not meant to travel along threads of fungus after all.

It took Stamets and Burnham a few days to convince Lorca that where the Glenn scientists failed, they would not. They wrote up some long, tedious, detailed reports about the science behind the mycelial network, why the tardigrade wasn't dangerous (if you didn't poke it with a sharp stick), protocol for risk management, and more protocol for risk management. They got permission from Command. Lorca finally agreed to let them test the technology as long as most of the crew was not on the ship. He sent maintenance engineering to fix up the Glenn. Basically they went by the book instead of how things usually seem to go on these shows when everybody just rushes ahead and hopes for the best.

They made a few jumps after most people could be housed on the Glenn. Everything seemed to work well. Burnham thought the tardigrade responded poorly to the procedure. Well, this did involve piercing its armor with some probes to form a neural connection, so yeah. But it seemed to bounce back after eating some spores so they informed Command that the spore drive was good to go and the rest of the crew returned to Discovery.

Their first mission involved saving a dilithium mine from destruction by the Klingons. With a ship that could vanish in the blink of an eye, this was quick work.[2] Yana didn't even have time to run to the window and look at the shooting before they were gone. She wasn't too concerned about it, though. She had her own problems. Her omnitool kept disappearing and then showing up in random places. So far, Detmer had found it in her cabinet, Saru found it in his boot, and Burnham was startled to have it synthesized for her instead of a salad. They all told Yana off for losing her tool or playing dumb jokes on people.

Maybe she was just dropping it? Yana got a big carabiner clip and attached it to her belt. This seemed to work for an entire day. Then she got sent to fix one of the consoles on the bridge. She hadn't been to the bridge since the chair incident and tried to make herself small when she got there. But Lorca paid her no heed, absorbed as he was in a battle chart with Burnham and Saru. A small Federation supply vessel approached and Lorca said he wanted to stretch his legs and went down to the transporter room to communicate with them. Yana was relieved he left, but then she discovered her tool was gone again! It was nowhere on the bridge. She didn't have enough equipment on her to fix the console and she could see Burnham giving her a look, suspecting she'd messed up again. Luckily, Airiam came over and she helped Yana figure out a different approach to fixing the console. The omnitool showed up in a can of coffee beans from the supply vessel (nobody trusted synthesized coffee beans) and Tilly, who found it, was as ticked off as anybody had ever seen her because the tool replaced most of the beans!

A few days after the dilithium mine, Yana sadly watched her omnitool float in space outside the window. She told Lorenza all the details and they reached the logical conclusion.

"You shouldn't have played with fire if you didn't want to get burned," said Lorenza. "Let's go see if we can get a lock on it and beam it back."

Yana got her tool back and it stayed put, but she had her own ideas about playing with fire and went to visit the "chef" who managed the synthesizers.

The Discovery got called to assist spaceships in dire need and planets getting blasted by the Klingons. For the most part, Discovery's overseer in Command was a Vulcan admiral named Malek who had a high estimate of the ship's capabilities. Malek and Lorca devised strategies for destroying as many Klingon ships as possible using mycelial teleportation. Lorca called Burnham to his ready room to discuss the plans. He called up a large 3D map of an area the Klingons had captured from the Federation and traced out Discovery's anticipated path of destruction.

"We knock out this comms station first," he explained. "Then we appear here, here, and here in rapid succession while the Cooper, Hamilton, and Norris approach from above…"

Burnham disagreed with part of the plan and they discussed the situation for a while. Lorca opened up one of his fortune cookies but the message ("Tomorrow brings exciting news") didn't enlighten him. He ate the cookie.

"I just think we could easily get trapped here…" said Burnham.

Lorca spat the cookie onto the table.

"Captain! My idea hardly justifies such a response!"

"Ew, ew, there was something in it!"

They looked at the chewed-up cookie and discovered some glistening white grubs. Burnham opened up another cookie and poured out more grubs.

"This time I'll kill her," said Lorca.

Burnham put two and two together and said, "Please tell me you haven't been stealing her omnitool and leaving it all over the place! We're trying to teach Yana discipline and how to settle conflicts peacefully."

"She started it."

"You sound…" started Burnham, but she just couldn't tell her captain that he sounded like a child. She got a paper towel to clean up the grubs and turned back to the strategy board. Lorca kept casting the remainder of the fortune cookies a nasty look, but he agreed with Burnham and even admitted that her ideas had the potential for a better plan.

Burnham only found out about the captain's latest revenge on Yana an hour before they left for the Klingon-occupied Federation space. She found him on the bridge and asked, "Was that really necessary?"

"We could all die before dinnertime," he said. "I didn't want to be deprived of the look on her face."

"By that same logic, she may well spend her last moments cleaning dust out of her hair and the entire hallway."

Lorca had made a large vacuum regurgitate its contents onto Yana. She looked very surprised after wiping the dust off her face. Although the captain was nowhere to be seen when this happened, word had gotten out and everybody knew he did it. Lorenza didn't have time for this and left Yana to clean it up alone. Luckily, most of the dust had been compressed into large, cotton-like structures that could be picked up and stuffed back into the machine.

At the designated time, Discovery appeared next to one of the beleaguered planets and blasted at some Klingon vessels. Then it disappeared while some regular Federation ships attacked from a different direction. They played cat and mouse with the Klingons for a bit, however, they didn't know that almost all Klingon ships could cloak by then. One time when Discovery suddenly appeared, there came a huge crash as part of the ship hit an invisible Klingon ship. Discovery was shielded so the damage wasn't bad but it changed the plan. Admiral Malek, who was on the Norris, ordered them to leave the battle. Immediately afterwards, a photon torpedo broke the Norris in half. Lorca ordered them to go back but Saru pointed out that their last order had been to stand down.

"Twinkletoes, you know the Federation laws inside and out, there better be one that overrides our last command!" Said Lorca.

Twinkletoes (Saru, that is) cited a Federation law that provided an exception but it turned out they couldn't help anyway. The tardigrade curled up on itself and shrank into a little ball, its last defense against a hostile environment. They watched from afar as the Cooper and Hamilton tried to defend the admiral's ship, if he was even still alive.

"How did they all obtain cloaking technology so quickly?" Wondered Saru. "The Klingon houses usually do not cooperate so well."[3]

Stamets suddenly called up from Engineering and said he got the spore drive working again. He sounded even more frantic than he usually did so Lorca sent Burnham down to see what was up with him. She reported that, well, now wasn't the time to discuss quite how but the spore drive really was operational again. Lorca and the captains of the other ships quickly came up with a plan for saving the admiral and the twenty or so other people that remained. Discovery jumped to a spot above the Norris, basically to absorb impact from the Klingons because it still had the highest shield capacity. The other ships quickly sent shuttles or tried to lock onto the people aboard the Norris. Their ambitious offensive move turned into a feeble rescue operation that barely even worked.[4]

Admiral Malek survived, but he was too injured to participate in the war for a while. Admiral Katrina Cornwell took over. She called them immediately after the battle and demanded an explanation.

"You were ordered to stand down," she said.

"Section 987.32A5 of the Federation Code clearly states that if an admiral is put in grave jeopardy after delivering an order to stand down, a vessel can attempt any actions that are deemed necessary and proper by the captain," said Lorca.

"Just like you to find a loophole," said Cornwell. "Now what about this wonderful spore drive that came back to life? Did you have to sacrifice any cadets to make that happen?"

Lorca let Burnham explain that since the situation seemed so dire, Stamets decided to sacrifice himself for science. Not that he wasn't secretly thrilled to do it. He injected himself with tardigrade and fungal DNA and navigated the spore drive. Admiral Cornwell did not approve.

"Genetic manipulation?! How could this even occur to somebody, considering how long it's been illegal? I couldn't imagine this happening on any ship other than yours, Gabriel. You have a way of bringing out the worst in people. I would never have chosen you to be in charge of a project as important as Discovery turned out to be."

She demanded reports and ordered them to lay low for a while. The Federation needed to develop a new strategy with the rise in cloaking technology. She signed off without acknowledging that Discovery had at least done well in saving Admiral Malek and the others. The bridge personnel quickly turned to their workstations, though they were all thinking about the same thing. Lorca decided not to let them ponder it too long.

"Twenty years ago," he said, "I left her at the altar without an apology or an explanation. Though, in her defense, I suspect it's all the years afterwards that I spent undermining her authority that defines our relationship today."

"We need to prepare those reports," said Burnham, choosing not to comment on Lorca's personal history with the admiral. "Shall we meet you in the conference room in an hour?"

She left with Saru. He sensed that she was upset and asked if it was the negative outcome of the battle.

"That was terrible, of course," she said, "But we couldn't have known about the increased cloaking. No, I'm troubled by this call with Admiral Cornwell. She blatantly attacked the captain in front of the crew. I'm afraid her personal issues with him might cause her to try and turn the crew against him."

"I'm not one to be sarcastic, but do you not think he has already done a thorough job of that himself?"

"That is the bigger problem."

"Perhaps they will replace him."

"I hope they send him to Deep Space Infinity."

Burnham immediately felt bad about saying that, but she soon discovered new cause for annoyance. She reconvened with Lorca and other commanders in a conference room and they discussed the battle and drafted the report. They finished pretty quickly and Lorca tried to get up to leave first but…he couldn't.

"Oh goddamn it," he said.

"How could she have known you'd sit there?" Asked Stamets. "There's no assigned seating in this room."

"She didn't," said Burnham.

They were all glued to their chairs.

Lorca started to laugh and had a hard time stopping. Stamets laughed too. Burnham refused to let hilarity settle on them and said, "Permission to speak freely, captain."

"Oh, but you'll just nag me!" He said.

"This prank war you started with Yana has to end. It's unseemly in someone of your rank and if Admiral Cornwell finds out, I suspect she will dismiss you. Furthermore…"

"Oh, blast, there's always a furthermore," muttered Lorca.

"Furthermore, that thing with the vacuum cleaner was dangerous! A few people slipped on dust during the battle and injured themselves. You have to stop before this escalates."

Lorca agreed to call off the prank war. The crew members who passed the conference room that day observed the interesting sight of the captain and the commanders rolling out on chairs with wheels. Later, Lorca went down to the cafeteria to find Yana. All conversations halted. Lorca stopped a few feet away from Yana and bowed at her.

"You win," he said. "Well played."

Stamets sat in sickbay and submitted to scans for the umpteenth time.

"Really, I feel fine," he said. "I have not started thinking like a mushroom at all. My scans show that I'm as healthy as a person can be with a small amount of tardigrade and fungal DNA. I think it's time you stopped worrying, Hugh."

"Why did you have to use fungal DNA too? Wasn't the tardigrade's DNA enough?"

"I thought it would make for a better connection with the mycelial network."

"And I think the fungus is releasing nanomolar amounts of psilocybin into your bloodstream, making you hyper, though we haven't detected it yet. I think the analytical technician is not using the right HPLC column to get the best separation."

"Really, I'm fine."

Dr. Culber looked into Stamets' eyes with a device for a while and finally said, "But you laughed at the captain's jokes."

Dr. Pollard heard this and said, "A definite sign of insanity."

"Oh come on, he's been quite imaginative with the nicknames!" Said Stamets. "Fungus-brain was predictable but Basidioignoramus impressed me. Then there's Truffles. Don't you think that should be your new pet name for me?"

"Not if he's also calling you that."

Stamets chuckled for a bit longer than seemed necessary. Culber didn't like this. Stamets didn't used to be so easily amused. Culber was glad Cornwell told them to put the spore drive on hold for a while. Everybody was working on ways to disrupt the Klingon cloaking technology.

"Oh, poor tardigrade, I haven't spoken to him today," said Stamets.

He rushed off to Saru's room, where they kept the soccer ball-sized tardigrade after it shrank into a dormant state. Saru grew flowers from his home planet Kaminar in his room that Stamets hoped would please the tardigrade. Saru let Stamets in and the scientist patted the shrunken tardigrade like it was a human baby.

"I don't think this is normal," said Culber.

"I am quite sure tardigrades enter dormant states frequently," said Saru.

"No, I mean my husband's behavior."

"It could be his new DNA makes him particularly empathetic to lower organisms. I do not sense anything dangerous about it."

Saru's people, the Kelpians, could sense danger. They evolved alongside a species called the Ba'ul, who culled Kelpians every now and then.[6] Saru's ganglia extended whenever he sensed danger. This being a war, he frequently had his hand on the back of his neck. This earned him the nickname "Cowardly Lion" (and probably Twinkletoes) from the captain.

"Maybe your senses don't recognize this as danger," said Culber. "Maybe it's just an unpleasant change. Either way, I'm worried."

"Burnham thinks we should release it," said Saru.

"But I'm just getting to know him!" Said Stamets. "He's such a kind person. He would have liked to help us with the jumps longer, but it was too stressful."

"How do you know that? Is it speaking to you telepathically, like Vulcans?" Asked Culber.

"He, Hugh, he. And his name is Toto."

"That completes the Wizard of Oz ensemble," said Burnham, who just came in. "And like in that story, I believe Toto wants to go home."

"And he will, but he wants to teach me something first," said Stamets.

"Maybe you believe that's what he's saying, but how can you be sure?" Asked Culber.

"Oh my God, Moldilocks, are you planning to adopt that thing?" Asked Lorca, who'd been following Burnham.

"Moldilocks? That's the best one so far!" Said Stamets.

"I know, right?" Said Lorca.

"Captain, I believe Federation Law requires us to release wild creatures into their natural habitat if it would improve their health," said Culber.

"Then release the cadets," said Lorca. "Dorothy, Cowardly Lion, with me."

He turned to the door, then paused and looked at Saru's windowsill. It contained three items: a flower-cutting knife, a telescope, and a gold brick with the 110 surface exposed. Lorca didn't comment on the items. Burnham and Saru followed the captain to his ready room. Saru decided to create a flowerbed for Stamets because he didn't like all these people going into his room. But then he thought this would upset Dr. Culber, since Stamets would spend even more time with the comatose tardigrade.

Lorca asked Burnham and Saru about the schedule for weekly lessons with Yana and said he wanted to be added to the list.

"The girl managed to convince Chef to let her use his newfangled synthesizer and broke into the conference room," he said. "She has potential."

"It is somewhat irregular for a captain to dedicate so much time to a very junior member of the crew," said Burnham.

She did not think this was a good idea at all. Lorca had already been a terrible influence on Yana. Burnham tried to think of a tactful way of saying this but Lorca had no intention of waiting.

"Commander Burnham," he said, purposely using her real name instead of his stupid nicknames, "do think I am somehow unfit to supervise a young crew member?"

"I did not say anything of the sort, I just feel, with you being so busy…"

"Is that so? Do you really think I haven't noticed you and Twinkletoes skulking around behind my back, lamenting over what a terrible replacement I am for your former captain?"

"Sir, we would never…" said Saru.

"I noticed everything!" Said Lorca. He spoke very slowly, clearly, and sometimes loudly. "I know that you called Admiral Malek just a few weeks after joining this crew and told him I have a serious personality deficit. When that didn't work, I know you ratted me out to HR. Because of you, I've spent at least ten miserable hours watching videos about proper conduct in the workplace. They created a few new ones just for me! Do you know what the problem is with you two? You were educated on a ship led by a captain with ridiculously high standards. She could do nothing wrong! Saint Georgiou! If I could only…"

Because he spoke so slowly, it became clear to Saru and Burnham that he was about to offend their beloved captain. Neither of them could tolerate this and they stood up with angry expressions, expecting to scream and maybe even strike out in her defense.

Lorca collapsed into a chair and laughed.

"Ah, the expressions on your faces were priceless!" He said. "That really made my day. I've been saving up that trick for a while, just needed the right excuse."

Burnham and Saru looked at each other, confused and still angry.

"What, you thought I'd say something mean about Philippa?" Said Lorca. "I admire her. If I had the gumption I'd try to be like her."

"Was this a test?" Asked Saru.

"Does it feel like a test? Cause I was just screwing with you," said Lorca.

Burnham stormed out and went to her room. She lay on her bed until Saru came in.

"He manipulated our feelings for his own amusement," said Burnham. "How am I supposed to work on this ship?"

"You could request a transfer," said Saru. "But consider this: though he may not have planned that episode as a test, perhaps it was so. We are very defensive of Captain Georgiou. What if the Klingons insult her during a hand to hand battle? It could negatively affect our logic and send us into a blind rage."

"Well, I was going to give Lorca a black eye, so I failed the test."

"Ah, so was I."

Yana showed up seven minutes late for her appointment with the captain. He pointed a phaser at her. She stepped back, wondering if tardiness was really worth punishment by death. Lorca tossed the phaser at the wall. It broke into pieces.

"In Starfleet Academy, you learn to fix weapons quickly," he said. "They are made to break along specific patterns so they can easily be put back together. In the first class, you get twenty minutes to fix it. You're late so you get ten."

He nodded at the pieces. Yana re-assembled the phaser in twelve minutes. Lorca did not say if she did good or bad. He blindfolded himself, dropped the phaser on the floor, and stepped on it. Yana slowly clapped when he re-assembled it in five minutes.[7] He moved to the table and called up some logs (obviously after taking off the blindfold).

"Do you recognize this?" He asked. "It's your work log. It says here you arrived at Minor Shaft E at 0922 hours…clearly the tardiness is pervasive. Then you worked on repairing circuitry in Turbolift D for three hours. Now, since you've never assembled a phaser before and managed to do so relatively quickly on your first try, this raises a question: why does it take you so long to repair circuitry that I assume you know how to fix well?"

Yana muttered, "That's how long it takes other people to fix it."

"But if you're so much faster at it, what do you do with the remainder of the time?"

"Um…well…"

"I'm not going to get angry. It's clever of you to realize that you can do whatever you want on somebody else's time if they don't know about it."

"I think Lorenza knows but she doesn't care. I just…I watch TV in the shaft."

"We've got people working day and night to solve the cloaking problem and you're watching TV? Fine, what do you watch?"

Yana got evasive again and the captain demanded her tablet. She gave it to him and looked at the ground. He called up her last activity and opened a video. It showed an anime girl with cat ears and tail in a cute outfit chasing after a guy through a flower garden.

"No Yuki, come back," said the anime girl, "I didn't mean it. You don't have to face the evil sorcerer by yourself."

"I know," said the guy. "But I can't let you come with me. I would never forgive myself if something happened to you."

"Oh Yuki," said the girl while her eyes quivered, and a diamond-like stream of tears dripped down her face.

The captain burst out laughing. Yana blushed and pulled her tablet back. She turned her back on Lorca.

"Oh come on," he said. "The whole premise of anime is pretty ridiculous."

"Less ridiculous that Burnham's favorite book that she insists on quoting all the time."

"You think Alice in Wonderland is more ridiculous than anime?"

"Everybody just acts crazy in that book. She has some theory about how it can help people survive in a mad world, but I don't see it. People don't really act that way. I like anime because it's more of how I wish people would act."

"Yes, it would be nice if we could all transform into ass-kicking magical girls with scepters and tiaras. So I take it Burnham drones on about Alice, life, and morality? What does Legolas teach you?"

"Who?"

"The pointy-eared logician. Sarek."

"I daydream through most of his lessons."

Lorca laughed again and rudely yanked Yana's tablet back.

"I can't believe you don't know who Legolas is," he said. "Here, I've downloaded The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings trilogy. That's your homework. Two weeks. I know you have the time."

"But it's so long!"

"Tolkien does read like a textbook sometimes but it's worth it. Trust me. After you're done we can watch the movies. Not the Hobbit movies, we do not speak of those. Oh, and Sailor Moon, don't tell Burnham I pointed a phaser at you. She's uptight about those things."

"I'm not stupid."

Lorenza called Yana to go to work but Yana just grunted, too absorbed in the adventures of Gandalf, Frodo, and all the rest.

"I don't remember it being that good," said Lorenza. "I think I skipped through all that nonsense with the talking trees. Is it better than those stupid cartoons you watch?"

Yana finally tore herself away from the book and said, "I think it would make a great anime."

"I'm sure they have that, but I'll be the last to check," said Lorenza. "By the way, how did you convince Chef to make those grub-filled fortune cookies for you? He has no desire to incur Lorca's wrath like you seem to, and I doubt you could have convinced him that you wanted to try a rare insect delicacy."

"He didn't make them for me, I did. I pleaded with him to teach me to use that advanced food synthesizer with good layering techniques. I said I wanted to make mochi. I did, so he wouldn't be suspicious."

"You made mochi and you didn't give me any? Please tell me some are left, and that they're not filled with bugs!"

"I forgot. They should be in the breakroom mini fridge."

Footnotes:

[1] In the other universe, the data from the Glenn was too corrupted to be much use. Burnham figured out the tardigrade's purpose.

[2] If you're in this for cool spaces battles, look elsewhere. I'm pretty much all about banter and wittiness.

[3] They cooperated a lot better in this universe than the original Discovery. Instead of being a power hungry maniac willing to throw anyone under the bus, Kol worked with the other houses. L'Rell, on the other hand, sought glory to a large extent and the other Klingons were all kind of terrified of her.

[4] There's your space battle. Not as exciting as actually watching.

[5] It could just as easily be Section 45.3q or 204-12 or even -910π-sin(θ), I don't know!

[6] And ate them? This wasn't clear about the Ba'ul, though it was clear enough about the Terran Empire.

[7] How the hell should I know how long this takes? Add five or ten minutes if you think it's too fast.