Chapter 6: The Adventure in Wonderland
The next morning, Burnham and Saru approached Lorca in his living room. Burnham handed him a tablet and said, "This is the report I sent Sarek just now. He said he will finish reviewing your case after seven days. Until then, you're still captain."
Lorca calmly scrolled through the report. He stopped at a certain line.
"Faked whale phone sex on the bridge? This would seem rather peculiar out of context."
"It was rather peculiar in context, sir," said Saru.
"And this audio file is the conversation we had recently?" Asked Lorca. "All of it? Even the part where I said I slept with…"
"All of it!" Snapped Burnham. "The whole disgraceful thing! Writing this up made me feel as if we've been acting out a farce."
Lorca couldn't help but grin at the thought of Sarek listening to that audio file. But the grin vanished as soon as Saru spoke.
"I know yesterday must have been hard for you. We think you managed the situation admirably."
"Not admirably enough to prevent you from sending that report," said Lorca. "And are you using the royal we or are you incapable of thinking without Burnham?"
"You barely kept your shit together yesterday," said Burnham. "You completely froze up when you saw that ship. I thought it would all go to crap."
Saru ignored the captain's insult and said, "Still, you did keep it together and I am sure a lot of misery will be avoided. We would like to make a suggestion. While you do have seven days, it would be much more responsible of you to contact the admirals and state your case to them yourself. If you do it in a rational, logical, and polite manner I am sure they will appreciate the gesture and judge you more favorably."
"Um…," said Lorca, dragging out the sound a lot, "no. Just, no. See, a lot of things can happen in seven days. Entire worlds can be created…or destroyed."
"And at the end you get to rest," said Burnham. "Rest in a nice facility for nutso captains."
Suddenly, Stamets entered the room and asked, "What do you mean? What report are you guys talking about?"
Now, Stamets could not have overheard their conversation from outside the living room, that door was too thick. For some reason he had been in the captain's room, listening in on an intercom. Burnham and Saru stared at him, then looked at Lorca, then at Stamets again. There seemed to be no good reason for Stamets to have been in the captain's room.
"I'm being fired for bribery and covering up mental illness," said Lorca. "It sounds pretty bad when stated like that. And here I thought, what's a little bribe among friends?"
Saru tactfully did not ask why Stamets had been in Lorca's room and explained everything. Stamets became extremely upset. He looked lost and scared. Burnham thought he was shocked that his captain turned out to be so deceptive.
"But you can't leave!" Said Stamets instead. "You're the only one who understands!"
Lorca got up from the couch and went over to Stamets. He put a hand over the scientist's shoulders and said, "Paul is quite attached to me. We've been, how shall I put this? Supporting each other."
Stamets made a weird expression, Burnham and Saru were shocked, and Lorca inclined his head toward Stamets and smiled tenderly. Nobody said anything for a few moments, then Stamets moved away from the captain and said, "No, no, no, no, no, this makes me uncomfortable. Not because I think you're weird and gross, but because I would never date someone so soon after Hugh."
"Weird and gross?" Said Lorca.
"He's just trying to hide what I was really doing in his room," said Stamets.
"Please enlighten us before this gets even worse," said Burnham.
Stamets explained that for the past few weeks, he'd been seeing his reflection acting differently from himself and wearing a different outfit.
"I know this sounds crazy but I don't believe I'm seeing myself!" He said. "It's some other guy. His smile is all off and he winks at me and he wears a black uniform. I only see him in real mirrors, not electronic mirrors, and I've never seen him in the same mirror twice so I asked the captain if I could look in his."
"You've known about this for several weeks?" Said Burnham to Lorca. "You didn't think to tell us? Stamets is our Chief Engineer, the workhorse of our ship, and we depend upon him. Any change in his condition is a matter of great importance."
"You'd just think he's crazy," said Lorca.
"And you think he's seeing some guy trapped behind the looking glass?" Said Burnham. "No, this, this is going in an addendum to my report. Stamets, you will go down to sickbay."
Stamets looked at Lorca for confirmation. The captain nodded.
"We have one more matter," said Saru a little nervously. He folded his fingers together, then unfolded them. Finally, he added, "We need to take your phasers, sir. You demonstrated the other night that you cannot handle a weapon responsibly anymore. You also made a frightful comment about us having to pry your badge off your cold, dead body that, quite frankly, made me very worried for your safety."
If looks could kill…
"You can still take a phaser from the weapons cabinet during the day since the crew expects you to have one," said Burnham, "but you can't have any of your own anymore. And you'll have to sign out for the one from the weapons cabinet."
After a bit more glaring, Lorca simply said, "Fine, whatever."
"That was too easy," said Burnham.
She pulled up an app on her tablet that scanned the area for phasers.
"Damn you!" She said. "You knew we'd ask for this. There are twenty-five phasers somewhere in these rooms!"[1]
"Let there be light," said Lorca.
Saru realized that by giving Lorca seven days of what he imagined would be spent in contemplation and saying goodbye to the ship, they'd really given the captain an excuse to behave as badly as possible toward them with no fear of consequences.
They searched. Stamets started to get up to help, but Lorca pushed him back down. He grinned evilly and Stamets smiled nervously as Burnham and Saru's patience dwindled.
"Why is this one so sticky? It won't come off my hand!" Asked Burnham about a phaser she found stuck right under the middle of the captain's bed.[2]
"I knew he'd put one in here!" She said a bit later. "How juvenile!"
Saru reached for a phaser in a closet and Burnham called out, "Watch out for the…"
"Ah!" Yelled Saru.
"Mousetrap," finished Burnham.[3]
Lorca didn't care that Burnham and Saru turned his room upside down. He had no personal adornments in there except for a box set of The Lord of the Rings, anyway. Burnham and Saru found twenty phasers and wondered where the rest could be. Burnham realized Lorca must have taken the chips out of the remaining five. Finding these chips took over a half hour. One was in The Return of the King, another was in a fortune cookie, the third was deep inside a couch cushion, the fourth exploded out of a can of worms, and the fifth was hiding down the back of Stamets' uniform.
"It is illegal to remove these chips from phasers," said Saru.
"Just add it to the report," said Lorca.
"We need to find the bodies of these chip-less phasers," said Burnham.
They found the one place they hadn't searched, a vent in the captain's room. Saru opened it up and discovered some sort of thick, tarp-like material. He thought it might be a rain jacket. He and Burnham pulled it out with a lot of effort. The moment it was free in the small room, the inflatable raft expanded and crushed Burnham and Saru against the walls. Burnham said a few bad words in Klingon. She blasted the raft to pieces and collected the chip-less phasers from the vent. All twenty-five, accounted for.
"Seven days," muttered Saru. "Why did we have to give him seven entire days?"
"And I think it's gonna be a long, long time," sang Lorca.
Stamets couldn't resist and sang the next line, so Lorca followed up with the one after that. Burnham refused to let this continue and dragged Stamets down to sickbay. He sang "Rocketman" the entire time and by then, nobody found it odd.
Yana's movie was done and Lorca decided to show it to those of the crew who were off duty, and put it up on the ship's entertainment system for those who were not. He used the large conference room, the cafeteria, and the gym for the public viewing. Stamets, some of the bridge crew, an irritated Burnham, Lorenza, and other people arranged chairs in the cafeteria. Lorca made sure the screen was working and addressed the crew.
"I wish this war had never happened. But, according to Gandalf, such is the wish of all people who live through such times. We must do the best we can. Furthermore, we must somehow do our best even when those we're supposed to look up to disillusion us. I know the admirals' behavior upset many of you and I hope they have truly seen the error of their ways. Regardless, if we have to settle this ourselves, without their so-called guidance, we shall."
He paused, realizing he'd just made some treasonous comments that were being recorded. But whatever, he was done here and the crew wasn't even surprised. Some people thought he could get away with anything.
"Anyway," he continued, "I would cross all of time and space to guarantee your safety, if I only had the chance. For now, let's focus on something a bit more cheerful. It has been my great pleasure to work with Yana on an anime film she calls 'The Adventure in Wonderland.' I believe it's a tribute to Commander Burnham's favorite book. Believe it or not, I do not know the entire plot, I only drew the fight scenes. I am gripped with suspense! Here is Yana, she would like to say a few words…"
Yana was dreadfully scared of public speaking. She gripped her seat. Lorenza whispered, "Oh, come on, just imitate the captain. Get up there, talk out of your ass, no fear, no shame. It's nowhere near as scary as fighting Klingons."
Yana dragged herself to the front of the room. Lorca whispered, "Go get 'em, kiddo." She finally managed a shaky, "Hello everybody," then quickly said without looking up at the audience, "It's been really great to live here with you all and learn stuff and have crazy adventures. I know I haven't tried very hard at fighting and shooting but I think all of you do that very well and you all follow this…this united vision. So I just wanted to create a beautiful story as a tribute to you all, a story where everybody lives happily ever after. So…uh…here it is."
She suddenly added, "Please don't be mad," and ran back to her chair.
Why should anybody be mad? Well, it quickly became clear that "The Adventure in Wonderland," though a pretty clichéd techno-fantasy, did not contain characters that were purely out of Yana's imagination. The story began with the outbreak of war between a peace-loving intergalactic organization called the Association of Planets and some violent creatures called the Klorg, basically, Klingon-Borg. They flew around in pyramid-shaped ships and captured people to be assimilated into their cyborg army.[4]
A ship called the Adventure, led by Captain Nara, encountered the Klorg at the beginning of the movie and just barely scraped by. It became awfully clear that the crew of the Adventure was composed of anime versions of the Discovery crew. However, most people's sex/gender got switched around. Tilly became Billy, a dog-eared boy. Airiam became Skymirror, an apparently male robot who could transform into a drone. Stamets became Stella, a tall, dark woman in a dress covered in stars while Culber became Tabitha, a female doctor in a form-fitting lab coat over a little red romper.
One character was a cat girl named Ursula in a really short purple dress, though she wore above-the-knee boots to kind of make up for it. People didn't immediately guess who this was until the cat lady put her hands up to her ears in a gesture they all knew and said, "I sense danger. And fun!"
Saru was horrified. He would never, ever wear such a revealing outfit, even if he had the legs for it! He was no sex symbol! How could Yana do this? But everybody laughed so hard that he decided to let it go.
Lorenza was not one of the characters. She had caught on to Yana's plan and told her what would happen if she was made into an imbecilic anime girl, or rather, boy.
Just like Discovery, the Adventure developed a "magical" ability in response to the threat. It could shrink and fly inside the circuits of enemy ships to destroy them from the inside. Stella, who seemed to have distinct alchemical tendencies (much to Stamets' chagrin) controlled the size changes with a bunch of crystals, something about lattice parameters and unit cell minimization but mostly hokum.
After some fighting and shooting, the Adventure was assigned a task by Command to find a magical weapon called the Pyrene Scepter. This was already a fourth of the way into the movie and people wondered why Lorca and Burnham hadn't shown up yet. Would Yana really dare to turn Lorca into a cute, glittery-eyed cat girl or something?
The Klorg damaged the Adventure and the ship crash-landed in a dusty hole on a mysterious planet. Nara and her bridge crew went into the nearest town and entered a dilapidated castle. They were greeted by an elf queen with long blond braids and a floor length green dress. Greeted is a bit polite for what she actually said, which was, "What are you assholes doing on my planet?"
This had to be the captain.
The name of the elf was also a giveaway, Queen Galadriel. Her trusted knight, Fireheart, could only be Burnham, though he was a lot more taciturn than the real Commander Burnham. Galadriel used to be ruler of a prosperous elf kingdom but the Klorg destroyed everything and she only saved a handful of people. The ancient trees and temples got obliterated so Galadriel could not use her magical powers, though she had a number of weapons, including a bazooka somehow, strapped to her boots and girdle. It was a bit of a gag. Somebody would be standing next to her while she was empty handed, then turn around and the next second she'd be holding a huge phaser or sword in her hands.
Lorca laughed so hard that tears came to his eyes. He'd drawn his own character unknowingly and coincidentally endowed her with some of his best moves.
A battle with the Klorg left Dr. Tabitha seriously wounded. Galadriel believed that a healing pool on her planet may have enough magic left to save Tabitha, but it was in a series of partially collapsed caves that took days to cross on foot. Of course, it was much faster with a shrinking ship that could get through all the cracks. Galadriel carried Tabitha into the pool and for a bit it looked like it wouldn't work, but then the doctor woke up.
Finally, they discovered the location of the Pyrene Scepter. An obstacle course needed to be overcome and only one person could go. Nara passed all the tests and reached the Pyrene Scepter, but she couldn't activate it. She worried that she wasn't the right person to wield the scepter and had a moment of weepy desperation, but then she went back to her crew and they realized that the scepter could only be operated by at least three people together.[5] They placed the crystal from the scepter into the ship's phaser array, everybody put their hand on the console, and they blasted the Klorg into the next century.
Credits.
People clapped and some complained about their characters. Saru said the lack of standard uniforms on that ship was deplorable. Burnham wanted to know why her character was just some boring tool who only carried out Galadriel's orders. Tilly wasn't too happy with her silly character either. But in general everybody praised Yana because they either really did like the movie, or were too polite to say otherwise.
After people left the cafeteria, only Yana, Lorca, and Stamets were left. Stamets quietly wept and Yana hovered over him, afraid that she'd hurt him by including Culber's character.
"I'm sorry!" She said. "I just couldn't let him die in the movie too, and I didn't want to remove him completely. I miss him too and for some reason it makes me feel just a little better knowing that he lives in this silly story."
"I get that," said Stamets. "I don't mind, I liked it really, but it makes me sad."
They sat together for a while. Lorca tapped something out on his tablet. Stamets asked if there would be a sequel.
"I'm already thinking about it," said Yana.
With a glance at the captain, Stamets said, "I hope Queen Galadriel regains her magical powers. By the way, captain, you're not at all irked about being turned into a lady elf?"
"Irked?" Said Lorca. "Of course not! I'm an elf, I'm a queen, and I'm hot as shit! What do I have to complain about?"
Command decided to investigate a planet called Pahvo for some solution to the Klingon cloaking issue. An organically-created transmitter tower of some sort existed on Pahvo, but few people had been there. Burnham, Saru, and Tilly were chosen to beam down to the planet in a few days. Lorca called a meeting in Conference Room C to discuss details. Burnham arrived at the room first and glared at the door. She kicked at it, making the door open, and waved her foot in the entrance.
"What are you doing?" Asked Tilly.
"Why aren't we using Conference Room A?" Asked Burnham.
"I guess they're doing the floor or something," said Tilly.
"And why not B?"
"B has a funny smell. Nobody's ever figured it out. And the chairs squeak."
Burnham went into the conference room carefully, but there really was no bucket of water above the door. She checked every chair and looked under every table, but there were no surprises. She looked at the computer console, which featured a screensaver image of a gazebo on a beach. She tapped the screen to cancel the screensaver but nothing struck her as odd.
Saru, Lorca, and Stamets arrived. Stamets called up a holographic display of Pahvo from his tablet and they discussed best places to beam down, protocol for meeting natives, and what sort of tech they'd need to take. They planned to modify the transmitter's frequency as a form of sonar to detect cloaked Klingon ships. They looked at some grainy images of the transmitter. Burnham and Stamets debated how it could have formed.
Lorca pulled up on his tablet an authorization form to beam down to a class M planet. It was standard procedure and they had all filled out such forms before. Lorca scrolled through the form some more and zoomed in on the signature fields. He signed it and passed it around to the others. Stamets wasn't going down but scientists often signed the authorization form to show they'd reviewed everything. Lorca went over to the console and put his tablet on it.
"You're quite the whiz-kid at communications, aren't you, Cadet Tilly?" He asked. "You made that communicator that helped us save the crew of the Carthage. Why don't you bring us some of the other devices you've been working on? Maybe something will be useful on Pahvo."
Tilly wondered why he didn't mention this earlier so she could have come prepared, but maybe he wanted her out of the room because she talked a lot.
After Tilly left, Burnham asked, "So what are you hiding? There must be some prank hidden in this room that is about to blow up on us. A stink bomb, maybe."
"No, that's what happened in Conference Room B," said Lorca. "And I am not that silly! I just wanted to tell you and Saru that I think you guys work wonderfully well together. You make such a fine team. I feel like you two could be a police team, or a pair of dancers, or just married."
Stamets chuckled. Lorca moved to stand between Burnham and Saru. He took their hands. Burnham tried to pull away but he gripped her and said, "In fact, I really think you would make a lovely couple. So I, Gabriel Lorca, Captain of the USS Discovery, do hereby pronounce you…man and Kelpian."
Stamets laughed, thinking this a swell joke. Burnham finally pulled her hand away and called Lorca an idiot under her breath. But Saru, who'd read the Federation Rule Book from cover to cover and was aware of the oldest, oddest, most anachronistic regulations, said, "Oh dear."[6]
Saru ran over to the console and continued to repeat, "Oh dear." Then he added, "It was sent off right away. We can't retrieve it."
Burnham felt a sinking sensation and asked, "Retrieve what?"
"The marriage certificate," said Saru. "Burnham, did you know that under Federation law, the captain of a starship has the ability to marry people? He needs two witnesses, a special console, and the certificate is authorized by voice. We are in Conference Room C, which may stand for Chapel. And the authorization form that we all signed was actually the marriage agreement. Stamets and Tilly were unknowing witnesses."
Lorca burst out laughing as Burnham's face took on a look of anger and horror.
"I got them good, Paul, I got them good!" Said Lorca.
"There has to be a mistake," said Burnham.
She looked at the documents on the console and Saru showed her the section in the Federation Rule Book. Indeed, the marriage certificate had been sent to the Federation Register for processing the moment Lorca spoke the words about pronouncing them man and Kelpian. It would take a month or two before they could even start proceedings for annulment.
Lorca had slowly crept toward the door while Burnham looked at the files. He was right to do so because she turned on him with fury. Saru held her back.
"This is the most immature, stupid, and crooked thing you've done so far!" She yelled. "You should never have been made a Starfleet captain! You trample over all our values and you just suck so badly!"
"I think I've done you a favor," said Lorca. "You would have otherwise died lonely and bitter but now you have the brilliant Twinklestar to keep you company, till death do you part. Twinklestar has a sizeable dowry of five hundred kilos of weird flowers and a gold brick. So…"
He dragged out the word and looked at them with a very wicked expression.
"You may kiss the bride!"
Saru couldn't hold onto Burnham but Lorca ran off past Tilly, who had a bunch of electronic gear in her arms that she barely carried up there without dropping. When she sensed the atmosphere in Conference Room C, she got the feeling that neither she nor her stuff were wanted.
It took a while for Burnham to calm down. She went to the gym to hit a punching bag, then drank a glass of wine for maybe the fourth time in her life, then ate a bunch of bread because she worried about getting drunk. She finally went to Saru's room and they reviewed the documents again. There was no sudden awkwardness between them. Considering their long friendship (and sometimes rivalry for Georgiou's attention), they just approached this as another mission. A minor, stupid, annoying mission.
"If we annul it in time, I do not think we will even need to change our filing status for taxes," said Saru.
"He's so, so shitty," said Burnham.
"Indeed. This sophomoric prank demonstrates that Captain Lorca is not at all in the right mindset for managing a warship of Discovery's caliber. On the bright side, since he sent Tilly away, he does not plan to announce this in some juvenile manner to the entire ship."
"Oh God, I hadn't thought of that! I could just imagine him organizing a reception for us with a big multi-layered wedding cake… I hate him!"
"Now, Michael, Captain Lorca is not well. He is not thinking clearly and has not been thinking clearly since he lost his old ship."
"He was an asshole his entire life!"
"We must not judge him so harshly. I just hope he soon receives the help he needs."
Burnham moved over to some flowers, Saru's "dowry." She stroked the petals and tried to forget about Lorca, instead focusing on something else she'd often wondered about but never really found the opportunity to ask of Saru.
"Now that we're married I think we should be more truthful with each other," she said. "Does this actually mean anything to you? A Federation marriage? We've known each other for eight years and I've never seen you show any romantic interest in anyone."
"A wedding takes 17 days on Kaminar. Each day is filled with activities that are meant to bind the couple in their vision of the future. Both partners, for example, must create a new fishing net. This certificate we signed is just names on a page. And for the record, you never showed a romantic interest in anyone either until Ash Tyler."
"So even though you are a Federation citizen and according to the rules regarding pre-warp civilizations like Kelpians, you must never go back, you still cannot imagine being with anyone other than one of your own people?"
Saru didn't respond for a while but finally said, "I suppose not."
"OK, I won't try to pressure you but I think you're such a kind, compassionate person and I don't like the idea of you being lonely because you're barred from being with your people."
"I am never lonely with you and all our friends."
Lorca decided to promote Detmer to lieutenant-commander. Detmer hadn't expected it. Indeed, no one had, though she was very qualified. This was clearly some spur of the moment thing Lorca decided to do during his last few days. He called her over while she was calmly doing her job on the bridge and revealed that he thought she was ready to take the next step.
"You have gone above and beyond the call of duty. Many people would have quailed after an injury like yours, or never learned to manage with the augmentation. But you surpassed every difficulty and you have trained yourself to be a stronger warrior than ever before. Congratulations, Lieutenant-Commander Keyla Detmer."
He took off her old badge and put on the new one. The bridge crew clapped. Detmer seemed shocked, then remembered to salute Lorca. Owosekun came up to hug her and the rest also gathered around.
"One more thing," said Lorca. "New rank, new nickname. From now on I'm going to call you Fury!"
"Do I have to wear an eyepatch?" Asked Detmer.
"Only at parties."
Lorca stepped back to lean against the wall. Burnham warmly congratulated Detmer but when she approached him, she looked pissed off as usual.
"In a few days, when Keyla finds out what you've been up to, she will be ashamed that you gave her this promotion."
"You're just envious because Philippa didn't promote you to lieutenant-commander until you'd been with her for three years."
"I am happy for Detmer, I just think you did this without due diligence."
"So be happy then, Mrs. Saru."
"Why you…"
"Hey, what are you two going to name your first kid? Sarah if it's a boy and Daniel if it's a girl?"
Luckily, Detmer called Burnham over for a group photo or she might have kicked him down the bridge.
The next stage of Lorca's revenge plan was more subtle. He'd noticed that Saru really took to heart some of his angry exclamations. So on the third day, Lorca made sure to get a table in the cafeteria within hearing distance of Saru. Stamets joined Lorca and they discussed fungi at first.
"Fungi are the only living organisms that coexist with death," said Stamets. "It's truly remarkable. Nothing every really dies, everything is recycled."
"Sounds tedious," said Lorca. "I'd rather just get it over with."
"Well, you are not a fungus. And I…I don't really know what I am anymore."
"Ugh, all these issues of personal and social identity are such a burden."
"Maybe, but the mycelial network has opened my imagination to infinite possibilities. There could be entire worlds that no human has ever seen! Do you think that after the war is done, we could continue exploring?"
"I don't know. You'll probably have to do it without me. I doubt they'll let me leave the facility for nutso captains. Nothing will ever be the same."
"I suppose not. In the mycelial network, however, existence depends on delicate harmony and balance. It does not respond well to dramatic changes. I worry all the time that our jumps could be harming it, but I don't yet understand it well enough. If only Toto would come back and teach me more!"
Lorca sighed and picked at his food. He looked at the reflection of the room in a spoon and noted that Saru was observing him.
"Paul, do you think anybody will miss me after I'm gone?" He asked.
But Stamets had turned to Rhys at a nearby table and was off on an uncalled-for rant about the beauty of science.
"Can you imagine where we will be if we can learn to understand the mycelial network, the underpinnings of the universe?" Stamets practically yelled.
Lorca walked off in a dejected manner. Later he called Saru to his ready room to discuss some administrative details. He listened to some music before Saru came and left the playlist open on the computer screen. He also left a half empty glass of whiskey on the coffee table. He was vague with Saru, asked the First Officer to repeat things, and frequently looked off out the window without listening.
Saru started to ask if he was feeling well and Lorca snapped, "I'm fine, you deflated pink balloon! As fine as a person can be after he's had everything he knows and loves taken from him for no good reason!"
Then Lorca shook his head and dropped onto the couch, morose again.
Saru puttered around the computer until Lorca slowly turned his head to look at him and said, "Do I really need to tell you when you are dismissed?"
Saru went over to Burnham's room, made sure Tilly was not in, and told her his worries.
"I am afraid the captain is taking this all so hard. I heard him talking to Stamets and he sounds so upset with everything. Then just now I spoke to him and he was quite despondent, then angry. We already noticed this when we confronted him earlier but I fear these bipolar mood swings."
"Maybe he'll punch a mirror in an angry mood, slice open his hand, and end up in sickbay until Command comes to collect him," said Burnham.
"Oh please do not say such things! That is exactly what I am afraid of!"
Saru looked up the song Lorca had been listening to. It contained lines about saying goodbye to your so-called friends, clearly a song about suicide.[7]
Burnham sighed and said, "He's screwing with you. Ignore him and he'll get tired of it and come up with something else that's dumb."
"But what if he should harm himself? I could never live with myself, and neither could you. And it would be such a waste and sorrow!"
"He's just screwing with you. Gabriel Lorca is not planning to kill himself. He's really not the type."
But Saru hardly got any sleep that night. He kept waking up and asking the computer to tell him where the captain was, and it kept saying Lorca was in his room. Then in the early hours of the morning the answer was, "In sickbay."
Saru ran over there in pajamas. Lorca was not there. Dr. Pollard said Saru just missed him. Saru asked why the captain had been there.
"Our highly esteemed captain seems to believe there are very poisonous snakes on that planet you're going to. He showed me a grainy photo of what he thinks is a snake. He needed me to authorize synthesis of a special antitoxin that he wants you to take there as a precaution. He got chatty and I don't enjoy his company so I just did it."
"Antitoxin?" Said Saru. "But that is a toxin if one has not actually been bitten by the snake!"
"Well I doubt you can be mistaken about whether or not you've been bitten by a snake, so I don't see any danger there."
"But what if…," began Saru, but he did not feel there was time to discuss the reasons why there were restrictions on synthesis of antitoxins. He asked the computer where the captain could be found and it did not know! Saru ran all around the ship. He got completely exhausted and worried out of his wits. Burnham searched with him a little bit but she still had no patience for this game.
"If he really wanted to kill himself, he'd just put a phaser to his head," she said.
Lorca eventually showed up in his ready room. Saru asked why the computer hadn't been able to find him and Lorca held up a device that masked life signals. He'd been "testing it." He handed Saru the antitoxin.
"You've got to watch out for the snake in the garden," he said.
Saru thanked him and left but soon returned.
"Captain, I am worried about you," he said. "I feel you have interpreted the situation in a catastrophic light and that you are considering dark alternatives to your future."
"I don't know what you're talking about."
Saru did not like being explicit about the subject, which Lorca knew, and looked around, anywhere but at the captain. But he finally got it out.
"I am afraid you are thinking of suicide."
"Eh, it's crossed my mind. But come on, if I really planned to kill myself, I'd just put a phaser to my head."
"I believe you are not thinking logically but in some circuitous manner. You may not settle on the obvious method but one that is…symbolic, perhaps."
"Good thing they're going to put me away in a nuthouse, then, huh?"
"But I am afraid you intend to…to die on this ship! I cannot do my job and worry about you all day and I can barely get any sleep for worrying about you at night. At least I can follow you during the day but I do not know what you are doing at night."
Saru realized too late that he should not have phrased it like that because Lorca's eyes lit up at the opportunity for a risqué joke.
"If you're so worried about what I'm doing at night, you're more than welcome to snuggle up with me and find out."
Saru wanted to say his usual, "please stop the ridiculousness," but he suddenly thought of the bridge crew's banter with Lorca and how it really pleased the captain.
"But sir, I am a married man," he said instead.
Lorca laughed loudly and for a while.
"Here I thought you were hopeless," he said.
"Regardless, I would like to put a bio-tracer on you so that I can monitor your vitals," said Saru. "I know it is quite a violation of your privacy but it would make me feel better."
"What are you, stupid?" Said Lorca.
"I'm sorry?" Said Saru.
"Eh, you'll figure it out. Sure, put it on."
Saru did not like the way Lorca looked at him as he attached the bandaid-like device to his neck, but Lorca didn't make any more dirty jokes. The bio-tracer could not be seen unless someone looked very closely.
Indeed, Saru soon figured out why Lorca had asked if he was stupid. Lorca spent the rest of that day and the following morning doing stuff to make his heartrate much too high or too low. He challenged Airiam to a push-up contest in the gym (obviously lost), raced Stamets around the ship (obviously won),[8] did some weird Vulcan meditation that made the bio-tracer claim he was dead, and drank five shots of espresso one after another. Saru left whatever he was doing to check on Lorca each time this happened. One time he just found Lorca standing around in the hallway, not doing anything.
"Why was your heartrate so high?" Saru asked.
"I was thinking about you," said Lorca.
Finally, Saru had an unusual few hours of peace. He figured that perhaps, Lorca had tired himself out. But then Saru became suspicious and checked the captain's location. He was on the holodeck. Saru went there and looked at the program that was running. It was a customized Klingon fight simulation. Perhaps Lorca was just blowing off some steam by shooting holographic Klingons.
Then Saru checked the safety and saw that it was completely off, though specifically for Lorca. Saru grabbed a phaser and ran into the holodeck program. It was a tropical island for some reason. He crossed the terrain in huge leaps, not noticing the branches that hit him, and reached a clearing near the beach where some Klingons searched for Lorca. A few lay dead. Lorca hid behind a straw hut.
Saru ran into the Klingons' midst and obliterated them in less than a minute. A few more showed up from among the trees and Saru blasted them before they could get close. He waited but that seemed to be all of them. A rustle from the trees made him lift the phaser again, but it was a group of bikini-clad women with towels and a beach ball. Saru looked questioningly at Lorca.
"I didn't program them to be dangerous," said Lorca.
"Hey boys, do you want to join us?" Asked a woman. "We're going to need some help putting on sunscreen."
"Now is not a good time," said Saru.
The women went onto the beach. Lorca came out from behind the hut and looked at all the dead Klingons.
"Fantastic, you were like a tank!" He said. "Next time those motherfuckers attack us, I'll just beam you onboard their ship."
But Saru was in no mood to hear praise.
"You are completely irresponsible!" He yelled. "I have tried over and over to show you kindness but you only respond with pettiness and mean jokes! This is an outrage! You set up a potentially fatal situation. You could have been killed! And for what? For revenge? You hate me and Burnham so much that you want us burdened with your death? Or do you see something ironic about being murdered by fake Klingons instead of real ones? I understand that you are angry and upset but you told F'Rog yourself that you have no desire for revenge, that it will not bring back what you lost. So why are you doing this now? This monstrous scenario you created will not solve any of your problems, unless you really, truly, from the bottom of your heart see no solution but to end them."
"Hmm," said Lorca, for once sans smart reply.[9]
"You are a brilliant and very talented Starfleet officer," said Saru. "You trained a wonderful team and you pulled us out of dire situations. Despite everything, if we go into battle right now, I trust you with my life and the lives of this crew."
"Really now?"
Lorca gazed pointedly at Saru until the Kelpian, who really didn't like to lie even if it was to make someone feel better, muttered, "Actually I would be rather worried because I think recent events affected your mind quite poorly." Then he added, "But I stand by the first part of what I said. You are very clever and talented."
"Wasted talent," scoffed Lorca.
"That is not what I meant! You will overcome this and come back to Starfleet. Maybe you will even return to Discovery. You are strong enough to do this. So please, for the love of Starfleet, stop with the nonsense!"
Lorca groaned louder and louder until the noise he made finally ended in, "All right!"
"Do you promise?"
"Cross my heart and hope to die!"
"Captain!"
"Fine, I promise, I promise. I feel like shit after that push-up contest with Airiam anyway, it'll take me days to recover. I really thought I could keep up."
"Perhaps you would prefer to stay here with the ladies who needed help with sun protection."
"Nah, I'll go play captain a bit longer."
They went up to the bridge, where Burnham sat in the captain's chair. She got up slowly and made that typical, formal announcement about the captain being on the bridge, only she changed it a little.
"Her majesty is on the bridge."
Lorca shot her a pointed look while the bridge personnel chuckled. Then he did a low curtsy, to more laughs, and dropped into his chair. Saru and Burnham took up work at their consoles. The ship passed by a comet flying through a nebula and the bridge crew exclaimed over the beautiful sight.
Checkmate, thought Lorca. Only the queen is left to defend the king and she is all out of moves. Checkmate indeed.
Saru, Burnham, and Tilly got ready to leave for Pahvo on the sixth day. Lorca showed up to see them off, in a surprisingly good mood. Burnham suspected that he'd lied to Saru and had one last trick up his sleeve. Perhaps he planned to ditch them on Pahvo!
"Obi-wan, Yoda, Padme, do you have everything?" He asked.
The three officers exchanged glances. Which of them was which? Burnham didn't care but Tilly asked and Lorca said, "Burnham's obviously Yoda. I can already see her chilling in the swamp of Dagobah in her old age, hitting droids with a stick and giving out useless advice. Saru's Obi-wan because of all his experience and wisdom and stuff and I thought of making you Jar Jar but I'm not that mean. So Padme it is!"
Padme, Obi-wan, and Yoda got their stuff ready while the captain walked around the transporter room, checking random things.
Suddenly he yelled, "Watch out for the clones on Geonosis!"
Tilly nearly jumped out of her skin. Burnham was only too happy to finally beam down to Pahvo, if he was going to be like that all day. Of course, Pahvo wasn't quite the camping trip she'd expected. They had to beam down 30 miles from the transmitter because of interference and needed to keep radio silence in case any Klingons picked something up.
The events on Pahvo followed those in the original "Star Trek: Discovery" rather well. Saru, being more sensitive to spiritual manifestations than the humans, established communication with the denizens of Pahvo. He discovered the planet and everything on it existed in perfect balance and absolute harmony, a symbiosis between nature and the living spirit. He became enraptured with this state of being and decided it would be best for him and the others to stay on Pahvo forever. Why he thought Lorca and the crew wouldn't go looking for them is unclear, but he broke Burnham and Tilly's communicators.
Saru was stronger than the humans combined so they tried to trick him and get to the transmitter. Tilly pretended to get into a fight with Burnham and said Burnham stormed off, but Saru saw through this quickly. In an attempt to stall him, Tilly used the only weapon she had left, the antitoxin Saru himself gave her for completeness' sake. She only injected a quarter of the antitoxin and was afraid to use more. Saru went down for a few minutes, but then he got up suddenly and knocked her out. He chased after Burnham and they confronted each other next to the transmitter. The Pahvans realized Saru just wanted to shield them from the war when they wanted to help and they assisted Burnham in attaching a device to their transmitter.
This all took many hours. In the meantime, Lorca did some work but mostly ambled around the ship, looking in on people he'd never even spoken to and giving everybody Star Wars nicknames. He saw Lorenza in a hallway and yelled, "R2! Have you given Luke the plans for the Death Star?"
Lorenza looked at him with a raised eyebrow and said, "No, and no."
She ducked into a service entrance and slammed the door behind her, but Lorca was already bothering Bryce, or rather, Shaak Ti. Hardly anybody got a word of sense from him that day. If they weren't talking about Star Wars, he wasn't interested. A few people asked him to sign things, but he wrote down a big, blocky, "Solo."
He ran into Stamets and said, "Jabba's after me for all the money I owe him! Luke, you've got to help me!"
"I'm Luke?" Asked Stamets, thrilled. "No way! Who's Vader?"
"The chef. We've got to stay out of his way, you're not ready."
"Who's the emperor?"
"Cornwell."
"Perfect! Should we start mustering up the rebellion or something? Do you have the plans for the Death Star?"
"I've been trying to find them all day!"
Stamets lost interest in the game but Lorca continued to search for the plans. Finally he made his way to the bridge and looked in every corner. He forgot what he was looking for and stared at Pahvo out the window, wondering if it was Naboo.
"We're going to be in deep shit if the Trade Federation is around," he said.
He was clearly jumping all over the Star Wars timeline. Airiam came onto the bridge and he called her General Grievous. She looked at him in puzzlement and suddenly, to everyone's surprise, walked up to him and put her hand on his forehead.
"He has a very high fever," she said. "Didn't any of you notice?"
Lorca seemed to realize this himself for the first time.
"I could easily do the Kessel Run in eleven…eleventy-six parsecs," he said softly and would have collapsed onto the floor if Airiam hadn't caught him.
She took him down to sick bay. Dr. Pollard determined that he didn't have any ordinary flu; he had an infection called palpatinitis. It was spread by bacteria of the genus Chloromidias. The treatment was a drug called yodavidin.[10]
"It usually only affects children," said Dr. Pollard to Airiam, "but I'm not surprised this one got it. Still, it's quite infectious and I'll have to test the entire crew!"
She sent everybody a questionnaire with the following prompts:
Have you gone over to the dark side? (Yes/No/Not applicable)
Ewoks? (Y/N/NA)
Do you think the 2003 Clone Wars cartoon should be considered canon? (Y/N/NA)
If anybody put something other than NA for one of the questions, she mercilessly gave them a preemptive shot of yodavidin. While she was off doing this, Yana showed up in sick bay and asked Lorca if he was OK.
"Oh my God, Chewbacca!" He yelled. "I missed you! Where have you been hiding?"
"I went shopping for a new bandolier on Corusant."
"Chewie, I need to tell you something. Bend down, you big furball."
Yana bent down and Lorca grabbed her by the head and ruffled her "fur," for he really was seeing her as a Wookiee.
"Who's my best friend?" He said. "Who's my only friend left in this galaxy? You are, yes, you are, my growling, hairy sidekick."
Yana tried to pull away because he yanked her hair.
"Don't leave me!" Protested Lorca. "Why does everybody want to leave me?"
Dr. Pollard came back and said, "Oh, hell no, you're not supposed to be touching anybody! You're infectious and disgusting!"
"Don't take Chewie away from me!" Said Lorca. "He needs to know the truth about those contraband lightsabers we transported ten years ago!"
Yana wondered what canonical or non-canonical reference he was making and decided he'd just made this up. Dr. Pollard threatened to sedate Lorca if he didn't lie still. Of course he didn't, so she sedated him (pretty happily). Yana left but was soon returned by Lorenza after she developed a fever.
"We need to find those lightsabers," insisted Yana.
Dr. Pollard put her in another bed and sat down, tired, but nobody else developed such alarming symptoms (not even Stamets). After all, it was mainly a children's disease. In the wee hours of the morning of the seventh day, the Pahvo landing team returned, dirty, scratched up, bruised, and in Saru's case, really embarrassed.
"Oh no, why is Lorca here?" Asked Burnham.
Dr. Pollard explained about palpatinitis. Burnham hadn't even heard of it, since she was raised on Vulcan where Star Wars was discouraged, but this sounded dumb enough for Lorca. Dr. Pollard checked out Saru to make sure the peace and harmony had not harmed him, nor the antitoxin. Burnham debated waking up Lorca. If he stayed in sick bay, Cornwell wouldn't castigate him quite so badly. But he seemed to be having a bad dream.
"No, Jar Jar, go away," he muttered in his sleep. "Don't touch me like that."
Even Burnham wasn't cruel enough to leave him in the clutches of the Gungan so she shook him awake. Lorca demanded a briefing, and fast, before details of the Jar Jar sex dream settled in his memory. Burnham told him, though at first she didn't mention that Tilly injected Saru with the antitoxin. Lorca looked over at Saru, who was having a mild allergic reaction to the substance that looked kind of like snake bite symptoms.
"So there really were snakes on that planet?" Asked Lorca.
Dr. Pollard shot him a nasty look.
"I thought you were certain of it!" She said.
Lorca got up and checked on Yana, who slept peacefully. He figured she was malingering by now but he'd be the last to rat her out. Let her new captain deal with such behavior.
"How did you know, sir?" Asked Saru. "How did you know about the snake in the garden?"
"I was just bullshitting," said Lorca.
"Be that as it may," said Saru, "but I should have been more careful. A Kelpian is born afraid. We never know a moment without fear. I doubt you two would understand, you and Burnham. You are both fearless. You would never put the needs of the few before the needs of the many like I did."
"Fearlessness can lead to recklessness," said Burnham.
"I wish I could be brave like you two. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had been the one to go with Captain Georgiou onto the Ship of the Dead. I suspect I would not have come back."
"Maybe you would have," said Lorca, "and unlike Shoots Before She Thinks Burnham, you might have stopped the war. As for me, I'm only brave because I have a few loose screws in my brain, rattling around. Apparently."
Lorca started to leave sick bay. As he passed Dr. Pollard, she said, "You've never really come to me for advice, but I've got to say, it seems to be a problem if your entire crew thinks that rambling, fever-induced delusions are not far removed from your usual behavior."
He slowly walked up to his room. Somebody stopped him in a hallway and brought up the changes to the ship's hull that he'd authorized while sick. Lorca went to a window that overlooked the hull and gazed at the changes with mild astonishment. He didn't remember anything about this.
Fuck me! He thought. But let somebody else take care of it!
Meanwhile, the denizens of Pahvo sent out a signal to the Klingons and the Federation. They invited both parties to meet up and talk things out. The rebuilt Ship of the Dead, led by Kol, picked up the message and was on its way to Pahvo, but obviously not to talk. Saru and Burnham just barely started discussing what to do when Command reached out and ordered them to Starbase 46, no ifs, ands, or buts. Command didn't believe or didn't care that Pahvo had sentient life. Duffield demanded to speak with Lorca, but the almost ex-captain didn't respond.
"Those Klingons will be upon you in hours and you failed to set up the transmitter," said Duffield. "Where's Lorca? Why is he sitting this out?"
Burnham and Saru exchanged glances. Burnham had received a note from Sarek that he would only send the report to Command in the evening. They still didn't know. Burnham and Saru couldn't let that shit hit the fan when they needed to save Pahvo.
"There was a flu…," said Burnham. "I think the captain may be indisposed."
"I don't care if he's coughing up his brains," said Cornwell. "Get him up here!"
Burnham vainly called Lorca to the bridge. Cornwell tapped her foot. Duffield checked his communicator, then left the transmission area.
"I'm waiting," said Cornwell.
Burnham ran downstairs to Lorca's room. She found him at the table with his head on his arms. He sat up at her approach but after she explained the situation, he just looked confused.
"What?" He asked.
"Oh crap," said Burnham. "Please get your shit together! We need you for a few more hours. The Pahvans need you! You just have to buy us more time. Go work your magic on Cornwell."
"You need me for a few more hours," he repeated.
"Yes! If you ever really cared about helping all the weak and defenseless people that are getting trampled in this war, come with me!"
Lorca sighed and asked, "Cornwell's waiting for me? That's an old song. She's used to it. Let's go, then."
They went up to the bridge.
"Were you counting your Pokémon?" Asked Cornwell.
"You had ten minutes and that's the best you could come up with?" Said Lorca.
"You're such a nuisance, Gabriel. I want you and your ship in front of Starbase 46 in ten minutes."
"Really? Are you so desperate to see me in person? Too bad, Stamets has some kind of flu and we're reluctant to use the spore drive."
"Then get over here as fast as you can!"
"Catch you later, babe."
Cornwell made a disgusted sound and signed off.
Lorca looked at the bridge crew thoughtfully and said, "Despite everything, I think she's still kind of into me."
People laughed disbelievingly. Burnham never thought she'd be relieved that Lorca was acting as usual, but they had a serious situation on their hands and the crew needed to keep up morale.
They had six hours to figure out a solution for the cloaking issue, when months of work hadn't yielded any results. But they had been going at it sporadically and hadn't considered radical options. Stamets had an idea. The Klingon cloak was a massive gravitational field that bent light around it. But slight imperfections, that looked like background EM radiation, could be correlated to the cloak's gravitational field. These infinitesimal imperfections could be detected by sensors placed on the ship. Still, it would take days for an ordinary ship to gather the data. With the spore drive, however, they could do a ton of mini-jumps all around the Klingon ship to create a 3D map of the cloak.
Burnham and Airiam volunteered to beam over to the Ship of the Dead to set up the sensors. Burnham had been on it before and knew the best place to put them. Stamets, though it was his idea initially, worried about the sheer volume the mycelial network would have to handle in a short period of time. He wasn't sure if he could handle the navigational burden, either.
"I wish Hugh were with me," he said.
"This isn't about you or me or Hugh," said Lorca. "If there was another way out, we'd take it, but this is the best option we have. For what it's worth, I believe in you. I think you've proven yourself to be much more than a scientist. You're a hero. All the battles we experienced during our time together have been incomparable to what we've forced you to do."
"You never forced me. I chose this. But thank you for believing in me and my crazy project and for allowing me to get a view of the heart of the universe."
Their words echoed throughout space, mixing with the sentences of other Lorcas and other Stametses. This conversation, Lorca either convincing or coercing Stamets to do the jumps, was extraordinarily conserved throughout the universes. The following events were also conserved, though with minor differences. Without the distraction of Ash Tyler or L'Rell, Burnham and Airiam set up the sensors without a glitch and returned to Discovery. Lorca and the crew had been distracting Kol while the sensors were set up but now they started the displacement sequence.
133 jumps.
Round and round went Discovery, round and round went the Klingons' eyes as they tried to follow the ship's course.
"What is it supposed to be called?" Asked one Klingon. "I thought the name of the teleporting ship was something like Recovery or Diplomacy."
"Recovery is a dumb name for a ship," said another Klingon. "Even the Federation would not give a ship such a dumb name."
"This sounds dumb too. USS Millennium Falcon. Who came up with that?"
Regardless of what the hull read, Discovery completed the jumps and took a few minutes to finish the algorithm. Then, the Ship of the Dead became visible to them. They blasted it to pieces. Burnham and Saru hugged, feeling like some weight from Georgiou's death was finally lifted off their shoulders. Lorca stood by the window to watch the explosion and thought that perhaps it was a fitting end to his Starfleet career.
Command was half angry/half thrilled when they heard. The algorithm would take a few hours to format for general usability, and pissed off Klingons were descending on Discovery's location, so Command demanded they go to Starbase 46 ASAP. Stamets didn't see the harm in one more jump so Lorca used the control panel at his chair to input the coordinates for Starbase 46. Just before he sent them down to Engineering, the screen glitched, but then righted itself.
And the rest you know.
Or rather, you don't know, which is why I have to tell it to you.
And just for the sake of conversation, hasn't it occurred to you that dozens of universes existed, each with their own Discovery, their own Lorca (God forbid!), their own Stamets and Burnham? And each of these Discoveries performed 133 jumps into and out of the mycelial network, round and round, up and down, what was lost will never be found.
How they didn't rip a hole through the supraverse[11] is nothing short of a miracle.
Footnotes
[1] Lorca asked Yana to help hide them and she had such a good time, she didn't even ask why they were doing it, since it seemed like an obvious test or trick for Sherlock and Twinkletoes.
[2] Yana's doing, of course.
[3] In Lorca's defense, the mousetrap he synthesized did not have a spring strong enough to break fingers.
[4] If anybody had thought to ask, Yana would not have been able to say how she came up with the Klorg, though she must have vaguely remembered something from her previous life's knowledge.
[5] Pyrene molecules in proximity exhibit excimer fluorescence.
[6] He was probably the only one that had read the entire thing. If printed out, the Federation Rule Book could prop open heavy doors.
[7] "Good God Damn," by Arcade Fire. I highly recommend.
[8] Stamets: "I'm tired and out of breath!" Lorca: "You just walked here from Engineering. We haven't even started the race!"
[9] In Lorca's defense, and I don't know why I keep defending him (I seem to be like Lorenza), he'd timed the holodeck program perfectly. He knew where and when Saru would be, how long it would take Saru to reach the holodeck, how long it would take the Klingons to reach Lorca's location on the island, etc. And while the safety was off, the Klingons' behavior was set to "predictable." Lorca's big assumption, however, was that after he cried wolf for hours, Saru would still, still rush over to "rescue" him.
[10] Is this all a big dumb gag? You decide!
[11] The term "multiverse" is overused by physicists and DC Comics. Hence, supraverse. And no, not super, supra. As in "supramolecular chemistry," meaning chemistry beyond the molecule. Supraverse, nonsense beyond just one universe.