Chapter 13: A Bit of Tomfoolery

A figure ran past Burnham. She collapsed on the floor and laughed so hard she nearly hurt herself. Timur, in a dressing gown, walked down the hallway toward her.

"Get up, Commander!" She said. "You're not in fourth grade. It was only a naked man."

"Ha, ha, ha, naked man!" Wheezed Burnham. "I saw…I saw his…ha, ha!"

Saru ran over to see what the commotion was about. Timur told him that she had gone to her room and discovered that Anderson was naked on her bed. Starfleet officers are prepared for many things except, perhaps, Terran-style romance, so she reacted rashly and threw at him everything she could get her hands on. She didn't give him a chance to grab his clothes and chased him naked into the hallway.

"We…we…," said Burnham between fits of galumphing laughter.

"Yes, we need to do something," said Timur. "Anderson is a distraction and personally, I think he's just disgusting."

"He becomes very anxious if we even mention the ISS Discovery," said Saru. "I cannot blame the fellow, though. That is a toxic environment. There have already been ten murders on that ship."

"There must be some science base that will take him," said Timur. "Cornwell is reluctant to let the Terrans mingle with the Federation but his sexual harassment of this crew is wearing my patience thin."

"We…we…," said Burnham again, pushing up from the floor.

"What?" Demanded Timur. "What do we need to do? Get ahold of yourself!"

"Weiner!" Burnham finally shouted and collapsed again.

"Anderson, how could you do that to the Admiral?" Asked Detmer in the break room, where a handful of officers had gathered to play some pool.

"How could I not offer myself to the captain of this ship?" Asked Anderson. "I was just being polite. In the Terran Universe, not sleeping or at least offering to sleep with the captain is considered extremely rude."

"Dude, you're a scientist," said Bryce. "Why is it taking you so long to get this through your head: this isn't the Terran Empire. Sleeping with the captain is not…a requirement. Jeez, it feels weird to even say that."

"Besides, aren't you sleeping with Yana?" Asked Rhys.

Rhys, Bryce, and Detmer exchanged a grossed-out look. They were pretty disgusted by the idea that Yana, whom they all considered something like a child, was sleeping with this fungally-transfected Don Juan.

"She's not interested in doing it every day," said Anderson. "And she's only encouraged me that you people can be induced to engage in carnal pleasures."

Detmer, Rhys, and Bryce exchanged another grossed-out look.

"First of all, Yana used to be a higher dimensional being," said Detmer. "She's not exactly one of us people. Secondly, if you want to screw around so much, can't you just use the holodeck?"

Anderson was puzzled and asked what she meant. Detmer turned a little red and muttered that she'd never done it, but she had noticed that the holodeck contained a good-sized list of stimulating programs for those who were so inclined. Anderson took a few more moments to get it and when he did, he was appalled.

"So you people use the holodeck for sex?" He yelled. "That's disgusting!"

The three officers put their hands up, looked around uncomfortably, and said a chorus of things like, "No, no, we are way too busy for that sort of stuff! We just know that it exists."

"The holodeck is for training and battle simulations," said Anderson. "What kind of sick freak decided to make sex programs? Why would you engage in sexual contact with a dead program that doesn't have a single thought of its own? I'd rather fuck the empty void! Look, there are living, breathing people right next to you! Why not sleep with them?"

"Why would they want to?" Asked Bryce.

"Why wouldn't they?" Said Anderson. "You guys would make such a cute threesome!"

Anderson didn't understand why the officers left without another word, not looking at each other.

A few days later, something started hissing near the warp core and a bunch of people ran over to fix it. Timur showed up in a tank top and long skirt. Anderson wolf whistled. She ignored him but Saru was offended on her behalf. He led Anderson aside when it became clear the hissing sound wasn't anything serious.

"Mr. Anderson, your deplorable behavior needs to end now," said Saru. "It is extremely disrespectful to make those sorts of sounds at a person. You are not some uncultured construction worker from the 1930s."

"How is it disrespectful if I think she's hot?" Asked Anderson.

"Because it implies some crass sexual desire and can make a person feel uncomfortable."

"Implies? I showed up naked in her room, I think that was more than just implying crass sexual desire. Besides, it's not like you weren't eye-banging her in that top."

Lorenza had followed them for just this reason and pulled Saru away before he committed his first ever misdemeanor as a Starfleet officer.

"I think I know where to send him," she said. "They have labs. He can continue working with Stamets remotely. I don't know if they have all the stuff he needs but he'll be under the supervision of somebody that I guarantee is better equipped for it."

"I hope you are right, Lieutenant."

Emilia Sully looked at an electronic map of the starbase on the wall. Lorca came over and asked if she needed help. Instead of saying something ridiculous, she pointed at the inside of her elbow to show she needed a blood test. Lorca pointed out the right room. Still, he wanted to hear her say something silly so he asked where Perkins was.

"The Emperor and the White Rabbit cavorted in the blue castle while purple flowers and giant peas climbed up the walls."

"Well, that's a location, more or less!" Said Lorca.[1]

As he walked through the cafeteria, somebody ran across and hugged him. It was Yana. Lorenza was not far behind, though she didn't hug him.

"Daddy! I missed you so much!" Said Yana.

"What are you guys doing here?" Asked Lorca.

"Eh, we were in the area, thought we'd stop by," said Lorenza.

She looked around while Lorca and Yana exchanged news. Naturally, like any daughter, Yana did not mention her love life. Osgood showed up and Lorca introduced them all. Osgood took one look at the situation and an idea popped into his head. He said they must stop by again later, but he was a little busy right now.

Lorca showed them around the starbase and heard about the battles they experienced, trying not to show how much this alarmed him. He pretended everything was going fine.

"So when are you getting back in the chair, then?" Asked Lorenza.

"I don't want to rush the process," said Lorca and quickly changed the subject.

For a while he sat with Yana while she chatted about the books Burnham suggested and her recent engineering projects. She described Ichigari's desire to become a martyr, expecting Lorca to laugh. He was appalled and stared off into space for a few moments, not noticing that she was asking him if he was OK. He thought, Wayne put my ship in danger because he wanted to sacrifice himself for the greater good? I'll throttle him! The things I'll do to him will make the Klingons' treatment seem like a light massage!

Eventually Yana had to go. For some reason Lorenza didn't have to leave yet, though they seemed to be on the same shift.

"Take care, Sailor Moon," said Lorca and hugged Yana one last time. He really didn't want to let her go.

Lorenza shook her head once Yana went off to the transporter room.

"Playing father and daughter like that is ridiculous," she said. "You didn't raise her from a baby. You weren't there when she was sick, when she was scared of the dark, when she first fell off her bike. You just picked up the role without the responsibility."

"What do you mean, when she was scared of the dark?" Asked Lorca. "Yana's as old as time, I hardly think that qualifies."

"She's not your daughter!" Snapped Lorenza.

"Why does it bother you?" Asked Lorca. "If it makes us feel nice, why shouldn't we do it? Fine, I will admit that I had no hand in bringing her up. She appeared like Venus, out of the ocean of the universe, fully formed. I just told her what movies to watch and helped her draw some silly cartoon. See? I admit it. She is not my daughter. But it's a pleasant playact."

"Yeah, yeah, sorry, I'm a little out of sorts. How are you really?"

Lorca was saved from having to answer by a text message from Osgood, who wanted them to come over to his and Lorca's room for dinner. They showed up and he astounded them with all the food he'd prepared, but most importantly, he somehow obtained a bottle of port.

"But there's no alcohol allowed here!" Said Lorca.

"Ginfas gave me the card key to his office," said Osgood. "He often keeps a bottle for when his colleagues come over. He's a port guy but beggars can't be choosers."

"Won't you get in trouble for taking it?" Asked Lorenza.

"Nah, we're good buddies by now," said Osgood.

They chatted and ate, almost as if there was no war on. Then Osgood suddenly got up and said he'd agreed to watch over a seriously disturbed patient for the night. Being so understaffed, the hospital could use his help.

"Wait…what?" Said Lorca. "But you've hardly touched the food."

Osgood put some stuff on a plate and moved toward the door. He said, "I hope you two have a good night. Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

Then he left, feeling like Ferdinand Osgood, Matchmaker Extraordinaire, had performed a successful operation! Actually, there was no patient to oversee. He spent most of the night binge-watching medical dramas in the nurse's lounge.

Lorca and Lorenza stared at each other. Had Osgood set them up? It sure looked like it!

"I should probably go," said Lorenza.

"Probably. But I don't really want to finish this bottle by myself," said Lorca.

"Fine, I'll help you finish the bottle. Heaven knows when you'll get another chance to drink."

They started to chat about professors they'd had at the Academy. Which professor was the hottest? Whose exams were the hardest? What was the most drunken, disgusting party you ever went to? Did you start crying during the Kobayashi Maru test? Do you remember…

So on and so forth, until they felt rather drunk despite the weak alcohol. Both of them felt that there was something else to talk about besides classes but neither wanted to bring up any painful subjects. They avoided mentioning their sorrow and when they were out of stuff to say about the Academy days, there seemed to be nothing left to do except move closer. Lorenza took Lorca's hand.

"I like this white uniform," she said. "It suits you."

"I sometimes feel like a ghost in it."

"Not a ghost! The doctors wear them too."

"I don't have a medical degree. But perhaps I can be The Doctor."

"Don't start that silly TV shit."

"Fine, I'll start something else."

Lorenza woke up thinking she was in bed with her husband. When she realized her error, she sat up feeling guilty. Memories of her husband, which she had been trying to suppress all evening, came rushing in. But why should Lorca make her think of her husband? They were nothing like each other. Her husband was honest, faithful, responsible, and they had raised a child together. Lorca was…but why was she comparing them? Logic told her it was a pointless task but she couldn't seem to stop.

She wiped away a few tears and remembered how she met her husband. It was supposed to be a one night stand but when she woke up in the guy's bedroom, which still had his school posters and science projects, she knew she would stay. She looked around at the cold, empty hospital room and didn't know what to think about Gabriel Lorca. He wasn't an open book but perhaps all she had to do was ask? She almost did, but then she remembered that she came here with a purpose. She did know a few things about Lorca, such as how he liked practical jokes.

Lorca woke up and turned to hug Lorenza. Wait a minute! This didn't feel like Lorenza… He sat up with a start when he realized some guy was in his bed who hadn't been there before. Not that this was a totally new situation for him but still unexpected.

"Hi there!" Said Anderson.

"What the fuck are you doing in my bed?" Yelled Lorca.

Lorenza laughed uproariously form her spot in a chair. She slapped her knees and ignored Lorca's demand for an explanation.

"Sorry, Lorca, I had a job to do," she said. "I got a little distracted. Anyway, see you around again and…"

She kissed Lorca on the forehead and whispered, "Hot potato."

Then she ran off like the devil was after her.

Lorca turned to the wall, ignoring Anderson. A little distracted? That's all it was to her? And she called him Lorca! What about the unspoken Starfleet rule that after you sleep with someone, you switch to a first name basis? Lorca was surprised at how much it bothered him. It's not like he'd been expecting any of this. Anderson shuffled a little. Was he naked? Oh yes.

"Why are you still in my bed?" Asked Lorca.

"It's cold in this room," said Anderson.

"It got hot last night," said Lorca. "But yeah, I guess it's cold now."

Lorca ordered the temperature to be increased. Osgood showed up, drowsy. He stared at Anderson and rubbed his eyes, wondering if he was seeing things. Hadn't he left Lorca with a woman?

"It's not what it looks like," grumbled Lorca.

Osgood didn't know what to say.

"Will you get out of my bed already?" Snapped Lorca. "It's not cold anymore."

"Fine, I'll get out," said Anderson. "For now."

He calmly stood up and passed by Osgood to get his clothes. The geologist started to say something but stopped. Finally he looked at Lorca, then up into the air and said, "This guy!"

"It's really not how it looks," repeated Lorca.

Once Anderson was dressed, he explained that Timur decided he needed to go and Lorenza figured Lorca could be responsible for one crew member, at least.

"What am I supposed to do with you?" Asked Lorca.

"Anything you want," said Anderson with a smile and a wink.

Osgood said Lorca should take Anderson to get some breakfast and then see Ginfas. By the time they were done eating, Lorca had received a message from Saru.

"Greetings, friend, we find ourselves in a bit of a quandary. Anderson is a good scientist and a valuable source of information but his behavior, which he refuses to change, leaves us no choice. Since you already know him, we decided you would be a good mentor for this individual. Also, his aberrant antics are of such concern that perhaps the psychological staff would be a useful resource for him. I am sorry for this unexpected request and hope it does not cause inconvenience. Regards, Saru."

"Aberrant antics?" Said Lorca. "That's strong language, coming from Saru. What the hell did you do to them?"

Anderson described the events of the last few weeks. He looked around the room and didn't notice the expression on Lorca's face when he mentioned sleeping with Yana. He finished the story and turned to Lorca. The smile vanished from his face when he realized that Lorca looked furious. He knew what usually followed that look.

"You put your grubby mitts on my daughter?" Said Lorca.

"Oh…um…I didn't notice the family resemblance! And she asked me to!"

"You expect me to believe that my sweet little girl asked you to mess around with her? Why, you lousy, lying philanderer!"

Lorca reached out to grab Anderson by the collar and give him a good shake but he stopped when he noticed that the scientist was terrified and whimpering. Lorca realized Anderson was quite familiar with his, or rather, Lorca50's rages and expected a much more severe beating than anything Lorca would actually bestow.

"Relax, I won't hurt you," said Lorca.

Anderson didn't believe him and continued to cower.

"Did my Terran version beat you up a lot?" Asked Lorca.

Anderson recovered a little and said, "He was off on missions frequently but yeah, about every other day when he was at the palace. He used to hit me or throw knives at me. I got quite good at dodging but that pissed him off more and he always caught me eventually. Then he pretended to be repentant and was nice to me for a day until I annoyed him again. I spent a lot of time in sickbay when he was around."

"I'm so sorry. I wasn't going to hurt you, just shake you up. I promise, I will never hurt you unless you harm those I care about, in which case I'll carve you up like a holiday turkey."

He took Anderson by the elbow and led him to Ginfas' office. The psychiatrist whined and moaned about the lack of protocol for a good half hour. He was ticked off that Starfleet didn't ask permission before dumping Anderson on him. They were always doing this sort of stuff! They considered themselves so important, dashing about in their ships, fighting bad guys, while civilians like him were assumed to have infinite resources of time. Finally he sighed and asked them to explain the situation fully.

"What exactly is the matter with him?" Asked Ginfas, tired enough to speak bluntly.

Lorca needed to go and said from the doorway, "He's a sex addict. Enjoy!"

Ginfas looked long and hard at the specimen in front of him. Ginfas mostly dealt with PTSD and related disorders. He hadn't treated a sexual deviant in decades.

"How old are you?" Asked Anderson.

"Not very polite, are you? I'm 85."

"Oh, wow! That is so cool! You look good, too!"

"Thank you. I'm well-preserved. Why are you interested in my age?"

"That's why I really want to live in this universe. Where I'm from, making it past 50 is a challenge. I had serious doubts of seeing even my 40th birthday, the way things were going in that palace. I mean, Lorca, or any of them, could easily have slit my throat one day for no good reason. I want to make it to 85! I just want to do science and sleep around for decades without worrying about the Sword of Damocles hanging over my head!"

The parallel universe thing still confused Ginfas but as he chatted with Anderson, some things were finally cleared up. Eventually he concluded that Anderson did not need psychological help, not unless he wanted it. As Ginfas later told Lorca, the Terran Universe treated sex much like a handshake. Just…yeah. On the other hand, their extent of emotional suppression rivaled the Vulcans, except they still encouraged anger and hatred. Starfleet didn't want knowledge of the Terran Universe to get out so Ginfas felt robbed of a paper. Ginfas got in touch with Malek, who'd been put in charge of the ISS Discovery.

Anderson asked Ginfas to help him fit in with the Federation so over the next few weeks, Ginfas explained concepts like "exclusive relationships" and "sexual harassment." It took a while. Anderson needed to realize that just because everyone seemed nice in this universe it didn't mean they wouldn't act rashly if they caught him in bed with a spouse. Since he wasn't really a patient, he didn't get a roommate, but he rarely slept alone. The tired, overworked hospital staff were a lot less resistant to seduction than the crew of Discovery. Usually, a back rub and snacks delivered to some frazzled doctor after being on call for 24 hours got the results Anderson wanted.

Anderson was given an old lab and set to work building and synthesizing the equipment he needed. Lorca often came over to help. Anderson amused him by pointing out weird stuff left in the old lab, such as a lump of clay shaped like a face with pipette tips instead of hair, an Erlenmeyer flask with sand in the colors of the rainbow, and a little toy brontosaurus holding a flask that just said "EtOH."

One time, Anderson tripped over a broken vacuum pump and cursed profusely. There were four broken vacuum pumps. Anderson was sure there had only been two, but broken vacuum pumps have a way of multiplying without anybody noticing.

"This lab is so busted," said Lorca. "Perhaps you should have tried harder to stay on Discovery."

"Oh no, that ship is a flying death trap! I'm glad to be off it. I wasn't trying to get kicked off but this is very fortunate."

Lorca got quiet and looked intently at a stack of petri dishes. Anderson realized his error and hugged him, promising that it was would be all right. Everything would be just fine. With some warm, friendly encouragement, Lorca felt better and Anderson thought that this psychology stuff was so overrated. All you have to do is kiss a fellow to make him forget all his troubles!

Anderson also told stories about the Terran Universe, about how Lorca50, Georgiou50 and Burnham50 set out to exploit new life and new civilizations. He told about the frightful Admiral Lorenza, who was not allowed near the palace. Georgiou put a restraining order on her. Anybody could shoot at will if Lorenza left her territory at the border of Terran space.

"Georgiou should have been worried about people closer to home!" Said Anderson.

He also told of Captain Timur, a rebel sympathizer in his universe. She helped rebels get provisions and tipped them off about raids for years until Georgiou found out and executed her.

"How did she become a rebel sympathizer?" Asked Lorca.

"I don't know, Georgiou didn't give her a proper trial," said Anderson with a chuckle. He'd just learned about how trials in the Federation could go on for years and found the idea amusing. "I know that when she was a kid, her father's ship got shot down by rebels. They caught her escape pod and let her live. I guess that act of kindness, though they killed her father, made her curious and she helped them later."

Lorca asked Anderson all he knew about Timur50, which wasn't much. The story of this "traitorous" Timur nagged Lorca for weeks. He started reading all he could find about Federation Timur. He found articles about the slave traders that kidnapped her. He looked up articles she'd written or co-authored on Klingon military strategy. It all seemed to point at something…

A few weeks after Anderson arrived, Lorca tried to open a channel to Yana. Lorca50 languished on Osgood's bed.

"I'm jealous," said the vision. "I've never been jealous and it's a troublesome feeling. I also never thought I'd be jealous of freaking Stamets, or whatever he calls himself. Normally I'd give you my blessing to screw around with the guy, after all, he's so energetic. But I can't touch you myself so I'm jealous!"

"Perhaps this entire experience is a lesson for you," said Lorca. "Maybe you're supposed to learn something about patience and restraint."

"Boo!" Said Lorca50.

Yana picked up but the signal was poor and she asked him to hold on a moment while she tried to amplify it. Lorca wondered what he should say. He had a desire to tell her off for sleeping with Anderson. But why? As Lorca told Lorenza, Yana was as old as the universe and had every right to pick whatever lovers were willing. And if he made a disapproving remark about her behavior, he'd be a hypocrite, considering how early he started engaging in romantic relationships.

"Wait another few minutes," said Yana. "Lorenza has a part I could use for this communicator."

She ran off to get her mentor. Lorca looked at Lorca50 in a panicked manner. He had no idea what to say to Lorenza!

"What do I even call her?" He asked. "If I call her Lorenza, then I'm confirming that our one night stand was nothing more than that. But if I call her Lupe, then it'll be as if I'm assuming that we had a connection and maybe we didn't!"

Lorca50 yawned and said, "Just call her sweetheart. Always worked for me."

But Lorenza did not come back with Yana, she just gave her the part. Crestfallen, Lorca forgot his decision not to nag Yana.

"Why didn't you tell me about you and Anderson?" He asked when she got the connection stable. "You're so innocent and inexperienced. You're not supposed to test the water with both feet!"

"Not unless you enjoy the plunge," said Yana with a smirk.

Lorca50, who hadn't disappeared, burst out laughing.

"But…," said Lorca vaguely.

"Dad, you know how most of Saru's instincts tell him to flee?" Said Yana. "He's constantly fighting this drive because he knows it contradicts Starfleet's mission and values. You have an instinct to protect me from, I don't know, ineligible sperm donors, so you feel like you need to tell me to take it slow and shit. Well, forget about it. You didn't do that when you were a teenager so just chill out and let's talk about it like emotionally mature individuals."

Lorca50 laughed like Burnham during one of her funny turns and barely managed to croak out, "Ineligible sperm donor! That fits Stamets to a T!"

"Hmm…," said Lorca slowly, then asked, "So what do you think of Tom Anderson?"

"He's very energetic," said Yana, coincidentally picking the same adjective as Lorca50. "What do you think of him?"

"He is that, and more. I like him a lot but he's got straw for brains. He's not Starfleet material."

"Not everybody can be Starfleet material. Dad, is it weird that we've slept with the same guy?"

"Um…it is weird, but I don't think it's bad. Otherwise I'd have to stop! So why didn't you tell me about him? You're talking about it very candidly right now. Did you think I wouldn't be cool about it? You were right. But I'm cool now. Totally cool."

Yana didn't immediately respond. Lorca50 conjured up a balloon. He held up a needle.

"I didn't want you to ask me why I picked Tom," said Yana finally. "I thought you'd ask me immediately, 'why him?' And I don't want to lie to you."

"Now I have to ask. Why him?"

"Because I didn't want to die without having that experience. And I didn't want to say this to you because I can tell you're really worried about us. There may not be time for a beautiful romance but there's time for Tom."

Lorca50 popped the balloon. Lorca flinched as if he'd been struck.

"Dad? I'm really sorry," said Yana. "I wish you could be here with us. I wish I could tell you not to worry but it's a freaking war. Just…look, I didn't take things too seriously before the Terran Empire, you know? But then I almost lost you and now I get it. I know why we're out here and I'm happy to put my life at risk for the Federation."

"I think you got it a lot earlier than that, Captain Nara," said Lorca after a while, and managed a smile. "So no more lying around in Jeffries tubes watching anime?"

"Nope! If I finish my work early, now I ask for more work! Just like Burnham."

"She's a good role model."

"Ugh," muttered Lorca50. "This sort of stuff."

"You're very brave, Yana," said Lorca. "Much braver than me."

"Dad, since we're being honest, there's something I never told you about that happened in the Terran Empire."

As she started to tell of how Lorca50 took advantage of her, the hallucination put a finger on his chin, grinned meaningfully, and faded from sight like a star at dawn.

"But it's totally OK," said Yana, "Don't get wound up about it. I was really startled but I got over it."

Lorca just asked, "Where were his hands?"

"I um…don't remember."

Lorca growled quietly, then asked, "Do his creepy insinuations about you and me have any significance?"

"Oh, no! That's just stupid. Look, I'm from the Y Interface. We once spent 200,000 years in the shape of identical hypercubes. I'm cool with different people looking the same."

"Hypercubes? Why?"

"I don't believe there was any good reason for it."

They made some final remarks, then Lorca said, "There is one thing you said that bothers me. How dare you think there is no time for a beautiful romance?"

"Oh, dad. And you say I'm the brave one."

"Yes, well, good night. I love you."

"I love you too."

Lorca sat quietly at his desk for a while. Then he slowly turned to the empty room, looked all around, and suddenly yelled, "Come out, you slimy reprobate! Show yourself now so I can give you such a verbal thrashing!"

Osgood showed up just in time to hear this outburst.

"Not you," said Lorca with exasperation.

"Ah, I see," said Osgood with perfect understanding.

And the Terran captain, if it was indeed he, stayed away for a good week.

Footnotes

[1] Actually, she knew perfectly well that he was screwing with her. What she really said was, "You're such a jerk!"