The things we lost in the war

Fourteen days have passed since the awakening after the Dark War. Life returns, but the voids are still present.

It's as if every stone, every tattered banner laughs at me, makes me feel unbalanced because I haven't seen it burn, because I haven't. Not having a particular occupation doesn't help, it only makes me feel even more out of place. I'm just the helpless princess, still in a daze, unable to contribute much after the war. Someone to step aside so as not to disrupt those who are really raising the kingdom.

With so much free time, I decided to try to search for useful objects, check if the books can be rescued from the library. Minor tasks considering the suffered damage, but since almost no one pays attention to me and they push me away when I offer help, I have a kind of silent freedom that allows me to move whenever and wherever I want. I've walked through the castle, the rubble of the castle, from end to end. Although I've managed to salvage shreds of half-burnt paper, there is no ink anywhere. And they can't possibly supply it - ink is a luxury good, you might say. I need to write down, write down everything in my head, because I feel that all this is a riddle and that we live wrapped in a lie. I've gone so far as to sharpen a wooden stick and make myself a charcoal pencil, but writing like this is exhausting, I have no choice but to wait for ink to be brought from Lurelin or from some southern region.

Gae laughs at me, of course. He says what happens to me is that I'm still feeling the effects of the war against the Ikana wraiths. The priests of the temple of the citadel say (and they've put that stupid idea in my brother's head too) that the wraiths can absorb not only your life, but also your thoughts and memories, it's like a kind of curse, so, as hard as I try, I only remember the last year as a huge void. "There were so many wraiths, they came in massively, burning everything. Hordes of monsters swept through Hyrule, from north to south, don't you remember? We hid in the tower before the Sacred Triforce showed up and took them all away."

I don't remember any of that. I remember very little. I remember less than most of the people, although I try to disguise it. The only thing I need is to be labelled crazy and not be allowed to wander around the castle as I please.

Father is elusive when it comes to answering my questions. I need to know how and when exactly he managed to summon the Triforce of the goddesses. He claims that "the mystery of the Sacred Power does not require so much explanation, and that science should be kept out of it". But… damn it, this is what we've always wanted to understand... I have no doubt that he has saved us all, or rather, the Triforce has saved us all, but still, so many unknowns remain... I feel I have to solve the puzzle.

After my failed attempts to find ink, I went for a walk in the back garden. The sheikah of the castle gather there, they've been helping to raise the castle and the citadel for days, and they know we'll have to spend months, maybe a whole year, before the damage of the Dark War is mitigated.

"You should look for an occupation," Impa told me. I like to bump into her sometimes, and I know she feels the same about me.

"Masonry is not a princess thing, so I can do little," I saw Impa arch an eyebrow and contain a smile, "I just try to document what happened, someone must do it besides the sheikah, of course. But there's no paper, no ink. I've lost my notebook and everything's upside down."

We both walked through the gardens. Many trees and plants were still standing, greener than ever with the good weather.

"Paper and ink. Luxury goods both."

"You're absolutely right... I'm sorry I'm not helpful even in that."

"No, don't get me wrong, princess. I was just kidding. The sheikah will soon make paper, I can get you a new notebook, pens and ink. I don't think any of them are focused on documentation, but they'll soon do it and I'm sure they'll appreciate your help."

"I'd really be pleased to be helpful," I sighed, "Any news? Anything since yesterday?"

"We've known there are deep tunnels underground," she said, in a whisper. We walked far enough away so that she could talk to me openly, and I could ask all the questions I wanted to ask.

"Are we sealing them?"

"The tribe and the army are working on it, although it's certain that there is nothing left alive there. They are working as hard as they can, but there are other priorities. Unfortunately, there are many hungry mouths after most of our supplies went up in flames. And this year's harvest is lost."

"We can trade with other countries, I know the wraiths didn't take gold or rupees."

"I guess so. We have no other choice."

"Gae told me that there was an assembly called by Father when we suspected about the Ikana's attacks. And… somehow I know I was there too. But it's very blurry in my mind. It seems more like a confusing dream than something that really happened. I only remember few things, things I see in my dreams. Like I was having a tea in the gardens with the zora emissary. But did it really happen at the assembly? I remember to be sleeping in a different bed than mine, so I'm pretty sure my mind messed up what my brother told me with my own imagination in my dreams. Is the same thing wrong with you?"

"Unfortunately, I suffer the same issue, Your Highness. I only remember few things through my dreams, so it makes it almost impossible to differentiate any of that from the reality. I don't know where I was when the darkness stormed the castle, it's entirely incomprehensible. I'd say unnatural. My theory is that the wraiths implanted false memories on us, to protect themselves in case they come back in the future. I've tried to share my view with the tribe, but I haven't found the desired support when I've exposed my theories to them. The matriarch of my tribe says I must meditate, and the memories will gradually return."

"Fuck it… that's totally useless," I protested. Impa rolled her eyes at my improper language.

But I had no other way to express it. Every damn night I would fall asleep praying to remember, but the only thing that came clearly to my mind was the smell of smoke and dust of the tower in which I woke up, next to Gae and Impa.

"There is no trace of prince Kahen either," Impa continued, "a troop of a hundred men have combed the Faron Woods with the support of the natives, but they haven't found him."

I felt a pang of pain in my chest. Kahen, where the hell had he gone? Why didn't the Triforce manage to protect him in time, like everyone else?

"We have to keep searching him, maybe he went somewhere else, running away from the darkness."

"They will continue trying, princess. I'll help them in any way I can."

"I know you will," I halfway smiled, "and... I thank you for not telling Father about my lack of memories, and all my doubts, you know. I don't want him to send me back to the priests, I'm sick of hearing sermons."

"I share your problem, so don't worry, you can trust me. You're not alone. Maybe over time..."

"Yes, it will be a matter of time."

We said goodbye, and I retired to my quarters. With all the discomfort it entailed, I sharpened my charcoal pencil and wrote down the disjointed ideas that came into my head.

A warm forest.

A cold forest.

Snow.

Mud and rain.

Cookies. Cookies I made.

Did I know how to make cookies at all? I decided to continue writing down, it was better to do it without questioning the images in my head.

The unknown mountain.

A cave.

One of my recurrent dreams was about being trapped in a cave. But it probably represented my current situation, trapped in the reconstruction, unable to be useful or productive. It's the same than being trapped in a cave, isn't it?

The Spring of Wisdom.

I hadn't been back there since I turned seventeen, but its image came into my head sometimes, like a cold breath that chilled my fingers and toes.

"Again with that crazy look...," Gae poked his head through the door. I made him come in and bolted the door.

"Have you finished all your obligations yet?"

"Yes, ma'am," he pulled two cups out of his pocket, "I was able to rescue this. The cellar didn't suffer too much with the war, we're lucky."

"You're kidding me!"

"The sheikah were about to crush part of the treasure, but I've been able to act on time," he smiled, proudly.

I took the pillows off the bed and put them on the floor by the fire. It used to have cushions, rugs, and beautiful tapestries. Most of it had burned, but there was no complaint, at least I had a bed. Some of the inhabitants of the citadel had lost even that, and Father had opened the doors of our halls to them, so that they could sleep indoors while they rebuilt their homes.

"What shall we drink to? To the end of the Dark War?" He said, raising his cup of wine.

"To the cellar's survival," I winked and Gae laughed.

He drank it whole, but as soon as I wet my lips in the wine I had to spit it out.

"What's the matter, Zel?"

"It's in a bad shape, don't drink it."

"What the hell are you saying?"

I sniffed it again and noticed a very sour, vinegar-like smell, just the thought of tasting it again made me gag.

"I'm going to throw it away. Don't drink it. Perhaps the enemies poisoned it."

Gae smelled his wine too, looked at me and ended up emptying all of it, disgusted. We both poured cold water from my jug.

"It's a shame they screwed it up like this," he lamented, rinsing his mouth out with water to wash away the bitter taste.

"You're too impulsive, and too young to drink so much. If you get sick tonight it'll be your fault."

For a while, neither of us said anything. We just stared at how the logs were consumed in the fire. We were in spring, the days were warm, but the nights were still quite cold, so as soon as they fixed the castle chimneys, they all burned again. It was a shame that we couldn't even drink our wine and talk about things that didn't matter, as Gae and I always did. We've lost that in the war too, in part. There was bewilderment and stress around us, but it was always better for a cellar to spoil itself to have to mourn other much more serious losses.

"I met Father today," he said, "priests of all orders are after him to tell them what you already know."

"Oh, I wish them good luck with what you already know. I don't think Father's going to tell anything about the Triforce and how it saved us."

"I don't understand why. If it's the power of our goddesses, why so much secrecy?"

"Maybe it's the goddesses' plan," I sighed. Their mysterious, cursed, secret and most likely stupid plan.

"Where did you find it?"

"What?"

"That ring."

"Oh..."

When I was nervous or thoughtful would take it out and twirl it around my fingers, as a reflex action. So as not to lose it in all the hustle and bustle of the castle, I wore it around my neck. It was Mel's idea, and it was she who gave me one of her chains to attach it to as a pendant.

"It's from an admirer," Gae teased.

"No, it's not that. I found it."

"Did you steal it?"

"Of course not!"

"And where did you find it?"

"On my finger."

"Alright. Keep your secrets."

He snorted and fell back, convinced that I was keeping some great secret from him, some palace intrigue of the sort that servants and maids sometimes told. But what I told him was the truth, I couldn't remember how it got there, or whether anyone had given it to me. But since I couldn't remember much else either, I didn't try to remember harder. I did feel that somehow it was important, and I hadn't stolen it, it was mine, I was sure of that.

The next day was identical to the previous one. Slowly things were getting back to normal, with their difficulties, of course. I felt that many of our customs were meaningless. It was absurd to be dressed and preened by my maids as if I were attending a royal ball in the throne room, the only thing that took me a little away from that unreality was the lack of supplies that affected us all. There were no pompous breakfasts and luncheons at which far more food was served than any human could ever eat, no grand diplomatic receptions. Better that way, really.

"I think it's good, Your Highness, to try to go on with the usual normality," Mel murmured, braiding my hair. I've never had it so short, so she was trying new hairstyles on me.

"I don't need this, really, I feel like I'm stealing your time. You can go with your mother and sister to your quarters and... I don't know, I'm sure you have stuff to repair, like everything in the castle. That's much more important than being here combing my hair."

"It's good for me to do this," she insisted, "it's like before the Dark War. The work makes me feel focused, and it helps me to remember a lot of things. It makes me feel that I am worth something.."

"Mel... you're worth a lot. Look at me if you don't believe it... I'm really not worth anything..."

"You look beautiful, Your Highness. You look more like yourself by not wearing your hair so long, it suits you."

"Thank you."

She smiled and left me alone. I wish I could remember a lot of things, like Mel. I retrieved my diary and charcoal and thought I would look for Impa, as I did every day, but a Father's lackey came to inform the King wished to speak to me. So, I diverted from my plans to go straight to Father's office, where he was waiting for me sitting in his newly refurbished personal parlour. Nothing ostentatious, fortunately he was not one to waste resources on grandiose appearances, he didn't squander rupees pointlessly.

"Have you had breakfast, daughter?" He asked me when I showed up.

"Mel will serve me something later, don't worry."

"I want to discuss important matters with you," he offered me a seat and finished rushing his plate of toast.

"Any word from Kahen?"

"Unfortunately not," he sighed, "I'm starting to lose the hope."

"You shouldn't give up. There's a lot of places where he could be, we haven't asked in Lumbar yet, or in the West. The snow plains of the West are huge. Who knows if he's not abroad? Maybe he ran away to hide from danger. I would send some troops to explore the East and the West."

Father laughed and reached across the table to grab my hand.

"Sometimes I forget your energy, your commitment. The princess of Hyrule is absolutely right. It's just that I'm tired and this concern for your brother ends up consuming me at all. But we won't stop looking for him, I promise to be more positive."

"Sure, Father," I squeezed his hand, a close gesture after a long time. He had been very elusive since the awakening.

"But I've summoned you for another reason," he released me to strike his kingly pose, not his fatherly one, "even if we seek Kahen, it's important to ensure the hierarchy of the kingdom. I've been thinking about it and I've consulted with the priests. They advise me to wait, they say your amnesia is bigger than expected."

I looked away, feeling uncomfortable. Of course, it was bigger, it was huge, but I didn't want to admit it, not even to myself. What I couldn't imagine was that those brainless idiots in the Order of Light had the insight to realise that.

"Impa says meditation is a good way to recover the memories, I will practice with her," I intervened. Impa's advice came in handy.

"I don't mind if you never remember anything," smiled Father, "your value is not hidden in those few memories. And that's what I've communicated to the priests. With the next crescent moon, I will announce that you will be my heiress."

I felt cold. No, not cold, freezing. Father gradually wiped away his smile as he saw my no reaction to the news.

"Kahen is going to come back, Father," I said, waving my head, "he is the only heir."

"Goddesses, I know," he growled, beginning to lose his patience. Not that he had much, anyway, "but until that situation is clarified, Hyrule cannot remain unclear on the succession issue, it makes us look vulnerable, enemies could return. We need a firm temporary solution and we need everyone to know it. You're the middle child, plus you... well, you know I think you have the qualities to take on the position. You have many, all the qualities. Even the priests have not been able to refuse, not to object, they know your passion for knowledge, and how much the people love you."

"I don't know what to say..."

Did the people love me? I'd always been the weird and invisible daughter... I knew that in the court I was judged and considered extravagant, unsuited to the role of a princess.

"Good. We'll make the announcement soon. It's the best, with the crescent moon the great hall will be practically restored, at least there will be no debris or dangers of collapse, the sheikah have already begun to reinforce the vault."

As always, Father didn't expect our opinion to influence his decisions in any way, for some reason he was the king. But I... goddesses, no. I didn't want to be the Hyrule's future queen, even temporarily, I felt an almost physical rejection. My body rejected the idea, I don't know why.

"Are you okay?"

"A little dizzy," I said. I wanted to run out of there, to scream, and for the emptiness to stop tormenting me, to stop making me feel like everything was spinning. Father poured me some water and I took a small sip.

"I still have to discuss another matter with you."

I nodded, and clung to the arms of my chair, feeling a cold sweat break out on my back. I was in panic, the situation made me nauseous and I feared I might faint at any moment, but why such strong rejection, did I always think I was stronger than I really was? We had been raised this way since we were children, with the idea that if there was any misfortune, any one of us should take charge, fulfil our duties. We were princes of Hyrule for a reason, privileged people who owed their lives to protect others. Why did I dread the idea of doing my duty so much? Besides, maybe Kahen would return, the dark spirits would have absorbed some of his memories, as they had done to all of us. He could be lost, in the middle of nowhere, searching for us, looking for the way home and still be the heir. Then I could go to... wherever it was quiet. I couldn't think about it at the time, but I'd think of something.

"It's very important that you take a husband as soon as possible," Father continued.

"What? Isn't it enough to make me an heiress?"

"Zelda, you know perfectly well that you must marry, whether you are the heiress or not. You're old enough for that, we've talked about it."

Yes, I remembered that conversation perfectly, but it was almost as if it wasn't true.

"You long ago proposed Prince Richard of Lumbar," he said, analysing my reaction.

"Yes, that's what I said."

"I still find him a good candidate, as long as he is willing to give up his own kingdom for the benefit of his sister Lady Leywine of Lumbar. After all, she is the eldest, although in Lumbar inheritance prevails for men, I'm sure I can come to an agreement with his father."

"I can't, Father," I said, standing up.

"What do you mean, you can't? What kind of absurd rebellion is this?"

"I can't," I felt the anguish seizing me, like an invisible fist clenching in my stomach, "I can't marry someone I don't love. It would be disastrous. Disastrous for me, but most of all disastrous for the kingdom."

"You know that love can come later, daughter, that's how I've educated you, love can be built by collaborating and respecting your partner. Stop thinking about the fantasies you read in the books, haven't you seen the terror of the Dark War with your own eyes? The reality is much harder than you can imagine. Your people are demanding your commitment, it's time to prove that you care about them."

"I'm so sorry," I kept denying.

"I don't understand this attitude, you proposed Richard yourself, you said he was a good man, an ideal suitor."

"I know I did, but I've changed my mind."

"I cannot tolerate this attack of immaturity," he grumbled, "retreat to your quarters and think about what your obligation to the kingdom is. In the meantime, I'll send a letter to Lumbar. The sooner we close the marriage, the better."

"I'm not marrying Richard."

I left the room in a bad way, I admit it. I know I slammed the door, and I know the guards turned away when they saw me storming out. Tears blurred my vision as much as anguish clenched my stomach. I locked myself in my quarters and spent the day there, in a corner, lost, consumed by emptiness.

I thought about running away, grabbing whatever I needed to survive for a few days and get away from it all. But where would I go? As if it would be so easy for King Rhoam's daughter to run away. Everyone would be looking for me, just like they were looking for Kahen. Then there was the weird feeling. The feeling of not understanding, of having forgotten and not fitting in. What if I had gone mad during the Dark War?

My brother found me crumpled on the floor against the wall below the window as night began to fall.

"Zel!" He crouched down to hug me, "dammit, you're freezing."

He managed to drag me to the chimney. I could see the worry in his eyes, this time I must have looked completely crazy, so much so that he didn't even dare to joke about it.

"Thank you." I whispered.

"I didn't see you at lunch and I asked Father about you."

"Did he tell you?"

"He did. He said that... you needed time to take on the news."

"I can't, Gae."

"I don't understand why... well, don't get me wrong, it's scary to see you like this, but... I'd be lying if I don't say I don't understand why it affects you so much."

"I don't know. But I feel wrong, as if my whole being refused to be who I am. And... I don't know, I think it's because of everything that happened in the Dark War."

"I wish I could help you."

"You do," I smiled, and I grabbed his hand.

"Tomorrow you'll be better, you'll accept it little by little. It's a shock, I know we always thought we wouldn't have to deal with something like this, but it's not a big deal, it's just a matter of getting used to the idea."

"You're right. I've behaved like a whimsical child. As if I could choose..."

"Choosing is not an option for Bosphoramus," he joked.

"It's not."

"We'll be in this together, little sister. And you know I've always believed that the crown would suit you a lot better..."

"I hope Kahen's okay, and not just because it's my turn to take his place. Everything about the Dark War scares me, makes me feel dizzy. I don't want anything bad to have happened to him."

"I know."

"Hopefully one day we will know the whole truth."

Note:

I hope that none of you will be pissed with the ending xD ... although you will probably suffer a little.

Apart from that, I really thank your words. They mean a lot to me. The Zelink development I made here is the key to the conflict of the story, and I see you got it perfectly, so it made all the effort I've put into this translation worthwhile and it's me who feels grateful now :)

Stay safe,

-Juliet