Johnny Cade:
If he was honest with himself he'd admit that Darry Curtis kinda terrified him. He was always so serious and strict, both with himself and everyone else. He got it, he really did. But there was always a part of him that cringed around grown folks anyway, even if they were only twenty. He always wondered how far they'd bend before they snapped into violence. At least with other young folks you could usually see it coming. Darry was a closed book to Johnny. His ice blue eyes never gave anything away.
The others left and he and Darry just sat on the couch and looked at each other awkwardly for a while. What was Darry gonna say to him? That he'd better watch it? That he was on thin ice already? Johnny sat there and tried not to squirm or fidget. Squirming and fidgeting were a peeve for his teacher at elementary school. She'd sneak up on him and smack him with a ruler for it. He couldn't help it though.
"You remember the day we met Johnny?" Darry said.
Johnny blinked in surprise. "N… No I don't remember that." He should remember…
"You were only around three years old. Your folks inherited that old house… Moved in. I was walking to the school bus one day. I must've been around seven or eight years old. And there you were, in the front yard of that house, naked as the day you were born, digging in the dirt with a spoon."
"Yeah?' Johnny gave a crooked smile.
Darry wasn't smiling. "It was November." He said.
"Oh." Yeah that sounded about right.
"There was screaming coming from inside the house…" Darry said. "… And even then, all I wanted to do was bundle you up and take you home with me… So I did. You didn't think twice about going with me. You weren't scared of strangers… So I wrapped you in my little jacket and you took my hand and I took you home and Introduced you to the folks… Pony was just a baby, Soda was delighted to have someone near his age to play with… My Mom and Dad found some clothes and gave you something to eat. You were there all afternoon. You never asked to go home… It was around 10 pm before you mother came knocking…"
Johnny scoffed "Surprised she bothered." He said, his chest constricting painfully.
"She was worried." Darry said. "This was before she started drinking really heavily… She was still crazy though. I remember that… Anyway… Every so often after that we'd hear the screaming from down the street and my Dad would start yelling about going over there and getting you out of that house… And they would have, Johnny… If they could have. But you weren't theirs, your parents had rights and we had to just help where we could… But every night I would worry about you. "
"Y'all did great Darry… Hell I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you guys." He murmured, wrapping his arms around himself awkwardly.
"You said you didn't want to be a burden just now."
"Well? I've kinda been a burden since I was three, seems like?" Johnny half joked.
"No… Johnny!" Darry was speaking softly but firmly. "That's what I'm trying to make you understand. The burden was never looking after you. The thing the weighed us down was seeing you go home again… Wondering if your Pa or Ma was gonna beat you or if you'd spend the night outside and get sick in the cold, or if you were eating enough! That was burden!"
Johnny's eyes widened. "I'm sorry Dar.."
"No! Don't you apologise! None of that was your doing. You had nothing to do with it! What I'm trying to say is that you can lift that burden now by allowing me… Allowing us to look after you like you deserve. You've always been a brother to me… I just want to know you're safe under my roof, living by my house rules… Minding me. That would take the burden from me, do you understand?"
"I… I think so?" He felt a curious tightness in his chest.
"Imagine how you'd feel if Ponyboy was sleeping alone in the lot every night Johnny."
He started to see where Darry was coming from… The idea filled him with terror.
"Imagine you couldn't convince him to come inside to sleep… Knowing there's all kinds of scum out there and there ain't one that wouldn't prey on a homeless kid!"
Johnny felt sick. He nodded, biting his lip hard. "That… That wound be a burden, right enough."
"You see?"
"Yeah Darry… I see… I… It's just that I know how hard you work and… Two more mouths to feed and all…"
"You let me worry about that Johnnycake, you've got enough work on your plate now." He looked at the baby, sleeping soundly in the wash-basket.
"I don't know what I'm gonna do Darry." He admitted, looking at the sleeping infant with a mixture of love and fear. I've always been so focused on getting though the day myself. I ain't never looked after anyone else!"
"Scary isn't it?" Darry said with a sad smile. "I know… When my folks died and we thought we'd lose the house and be split up? I felt like I was drowning… The boys were so broken up and scared and I was just as scared as they were, only I couldn't show it… But you know something? You find it… The strength, when you really need it. It's there, I promise you that."
"I guess you know more that anyone about being a big brother huh?" Johnny said, looking at the young man with new respect.
"I wish… Sometimes I feel like I'm faking it, to be honest… But you learn to deal with the little things and then the bigger things, and soon it becomes pretty OK to be the one in charge and not that scary at all."
"I can't imagine ever not being afraid." Johnny said. "I reckon I've been scared since I was born."
"I believe you." Darry said. A shadow of anger passing over his face. But you don't have to be afraid in this house you know that right?"
"Y… Yeah Darry… I know that." He nodded. The Curtis house was just about the only place on each he felt anything approaching safe.
"I'm not so sure you do… You'd have come to us sooner if you weren't at least a little scared of me huh?" Darry looked so saddened by that thought and Johnny felt guilty for his own cowardice.
"I thought…" He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. "Ah! I don't know what I thought I wasn't thinking I was panicking! I shoulda come sooner Darry. I'm sorry."
" Never mind that now…" Darry reassured him. "But now that you're here I'm gonna give you a rundown of the house rules… OK?" If there's anything you don't understand you ask."
"OK."
"Rule one. Inside by 10pm."
Johnny nodded. That one was an no brainer. He knew Darry hated it when Pony and Soda stayed out late. It was the one thing that really made him lose his rag.
"Rule two. Everyone cleans up after themselves." Darry help up a finger in warning. "I expect looking after the baby is gonna take up most of your time, so you make sure the others don't make up extra work for you. You aren't the housemaid OK?"
"Oh..OK… I thought… Since I won't be workin or at school' I should do most of the stuff here." He admitted. He knew he'd feel guilty not pulling his weight in some way.
"You're already gonna be working, looking after your… Our little sister. Believe me thats a job in itself. No one realises how much work it is."
"What about money Dar… Seriously?"
"You're really worried about that huh? Well, I'll tell you what… When she's big enough we'll ask one of the guys to babysit once in a while and you can come and work with me on the site… Make some extra money that way. How's that sound?"
Johnny smiled. "Sounds good."
"Rule three. Food. You eat when you're hungry and drink when you're thirsty and you don't ask permission OK? Everyone does some of the cooking. We don't care what, if its cheese on toast that's just fine."
He nodded nervously. His cooking skills were never up to much.
"Rule four. You need money you ask for it… Don't feel like you have to sideline for cash… You got me? No feeling guilty about it?"
"Oh… OK…" He stammered. Not sure how to feel about that one. He couldn't imagine openly asking for money like that.
Rule five: You mind me and do what I say or else." Darry smiled with the last rule but Johnny knew he meant it so he nodded. "I will Darry but…" He paused, unsure of how to phrase it. "If… Like if Pony and Soda make you mad… I mean… What do you…" He swallowed nervously "…Or else what?"
Darry's expression softened immediately. "You know I'm prone to yelling." Darry said. "I'm not exactly a patient man… But I ain't given anyone a wuppin' yet and I don't plan to start if that's what you're asking… Especially not you." He added. "Although God knows Pony tests me sometimes…" He sighed.
"M… My old man… I kind felt like it was the only time he really saw me… When he was mad and… Y'know." He was biting his nails again. He had to stop doing that.
"Beating on you?"
"Yeah… I used to provoke him sometimes just so he'd speak to me… Touch me." He looked away, embrassed at the admission.
"We hug instead." Darry said with an edge of pain in his voice, as if to illustrate the point he carefully reached over, giving Johnny plenty of time to pull away and hugged him tight to his chest. His big arms like a vice. "No one's gonna hurt you OK Johnnycake?"
"OK…" Johnny breathed into Darry's shoulder.
"And if you need to talk about any of that sh… Stuff… You can, any time."
"OK Man." He choked out.
"You're safe here with me. I promise."
Is that a promise you have any right to make? He thought. But he said "OK."
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
The next few days felt different somehow. He was in less pain anyway. His swelling going down and bruises fading thanks to the arnica ointment Soda insisted on smearing him with.
The baby only woke once or twice a night for milk. He reckoned she got hungry every six hours which he hoped was enough. He was constantly worried that she wasn't eating enough or too much.
Thanks to The Curtis family cellar, he had little clothes for her now and delighted in dressing her. Although he was terrified of hurting her little limbs as he stretched the fabric around them.
He weighed her in the kitchen scale every day to make sure she wasn't losing weight. So far so good. Although she still felt and looked as tiny and frail as ever, he felt she was a bit more robust. Stronger. At least he hoped so. It was still terrifying to bathe her and he wouldn't do it unless other people were around, just in case he messed up and dropped her when she was slippy. Every day he wondered how in the Sam Hill he , of all people ended up with something so miraculously delicate and beautiful in his hands.
It was a strange, claustrophobic sensation, sleeping inside every night, being inside all day. Still… He understood why, although no one said it. They were as scared as he was that this parents would come back to town and try and hurt Mary. or that someone would call the authorities. That why he had to stay indoors, he didn't want the neighbours talking , he didn't wan't anyone knowing. Although Mary's crying had probably alerted them by now. Strangely, even with all that, he felt so much safer than he ever had before.
Pony hadn't gone back to the couch after that first night and he, Mary and Johnny had relocated to his and Soda's old room because the bed was bigger. Soda now shared with Darry. Darry hadn't objected after it became obvious that Ponyboy could sleep though anything, including a crying baby on the bed beside him.
One thing that annoyed and make him happy in equal measure was the fact that one of the gang insisted on being present every day. It meant he wasn't left alone to look after May but it also felt like he was putting everyone out. He hated being centre of attention and found it even harder to shake the ever present guilty feeling he carried everywhere. He knew the sacrifices they were making. How much harder it was for them because of him.
They all had their own style of fussing over him. Dally was terrified of the baby and rarely dared to hold her. He was, however, increasingly controlling and always fussing over Johnny.
Johnny knew it was because of what he'd done… Almost done… For money. Dally was always asking him if he needed anything for at the baby, always bringing money and groceries. Every time Dal got that concerned look on his face the shame and disgust roiled in Johnny's guts at what he'd almost done. Then he heard his father's voice in his head saying whore and telling him you 'aint nothing better than a dirty, cheap little punk!'
Sometimes he'd wake up in a cold terror sweat, convinced he'd heard someone yelling his name and he'd just lie there, unable to move.
Soda, other than forcing that arnica ointment on him, didn't hassle him too much. He said he had yet to tell Sandy about any of the latest drama. He was waiting a little for that. But he was Mary's biggest fan. His whole face lit up when he saw her and his voice went all high and soft when he talked to her. He called her 'Little Sis', so did Ponyboy and Darry. It made Johnny feel something intense that he couldn't name when they did that. But he liked it.
Darry was quiet and sober as ever but he couldn't hide his affection for her either, and as for Pony… He was head over heels in love. The first thing he did when he came home from school was to go look for her and sit with her for a while, talking or singing to her softly.
One afternoon he came home excited. "Johnny! Look what I picked up at the library!" He rushed over, brandishing a thick book.
Johnny spelled out the title slowly and carefully. "Doctor… Spock's…Common… Sense…Baby… And… Child…Care."
"It's just what we need!" Ponyboy flicked through the pages. "It tells you exactly what she should weigh, how to look after her if she gets sick, how much to feed her, what she should be doing at different ages… Did you know babies start smiling at five weeks?"
"Will you read it to me?" Asked Johnny. Knowing anything that complex was beyond him.
"Sure thing! We'll start tonight!" Pony grinned.
"The fact is that child rearing is a long, hard job, the rewards are not always immediately obvious, the work is undervalued, and parents are just as human and almost as vulnerable as their children." Read Pony later, as they lay together against the headboard."Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do."
After that the two youngest boys became fonts of knowledge, and no one could move around Mary without being reprimanded with 'Doctor Spock says…" Every five minutes.
"Doctor Spock says never to raise your voice around a baby" Said Johnny when Darry yelled at the football game.
"Doctor Spock says to use tongs to sterilise bottles!" Ponyboy admonished when Sodapop used his fingers.
"Doctor Spock says that babies should sleep on their stomach." They both helpfully reminded anyone who laid the baby down for more than a second.
Soda remarked to Mary that if he ever met Doctor Spock in person he might just punch him on the nose.
xxxxxxxxxxx
It was early Friday evening and Two-Bit was hanging out in the living room watching TV while Ponyboy did homework at the table and Soda and Darry were both at work. Two-Bit was as laid back as he ever was. He and Steve both had younger siblings so babies were no big deal for them. But Two-Bit was the one who'd happily pick her up and rock her when she cried like it was nothing.
Johnny had just changed Mary and was dressing her on the rug. "One day I'm gonna buy you all the pretty dresses you want." He told her as she gurgled up at him. He tied all little strings and fastenings carefully to keep her covered and warm. He wondered when babies started to smile and if it was normal that she didn't yet… Or if she just took after him. He kissed her on the nose and laughed as he watched her face scrunch up. He never knew it was possible to love anything as much as he loved her. It terrified the life out of him.
"Johnny!" He froze. Unsure if he'd imagined it or if it was real this time.
"Johnny Cade!"
Real. He couldn't breathe. Couldn't move. The last time he'd heard that voce it was screaming at him as he ran from the house in horror. Mary under his jacket.
Ponyboy sat up straight and went -Bit looked behind the curtain. Johnny stared at the baby, unable to move an inch.
"Oh shit!" Two-Bit murmured "He's drunk as Hell!" He said it with a cold kind of anger that was unusual for him. "Don't you worry Johnnycake I'll get rid of the bastard!" Johnny felt a hand squeeze his shoulder as Two-Bit got up. Then he heard the door close.
When they started yelling at each other, Johnny sat on the carpet stiffly and Ponyboy picked up Mary when she started to cry. He carried her into the back bedroom. Good. There's lock on the door. Johnny thought.
All Johnny could think of was his father towering over his mother's half naked, half conscious form, screaming at her. "It's not mine! You see that you whore? Not mine!" While Johnny held the baby in trembling, bloody hands. Unable to process what had just happened. He'd been shocked numb. He didn't even know she was pregnant. She'd hidden it well.
Johnny couldn't stop trembling now either. He stood up and walked to the door, pressing his forehead to the wood.
"… And I said He doesn't wanna talk to you! So you can fuck right off you old degenerate!"
Two-Bit was letting his old man have it. Good.
"I know you're in there Johnny!" His father yelled "Come out and talk to your old man sweetheart!" He shuddered at the endearment. It was what he called him and Momma when he was happy drunk. A rare thing. Or maudlin drunk… Which is what he was now. He always said it like it was a place holder for whatever he wanted from them. Food, affection, entertainment, something to punch… It didn't matter who he was talking to. It was just another way to please himself.
"You stay the HELL down there!" Two-Bit yelled. "You leave him alone now! Go home and dry up ya drunk fuck!"
"I have a righ… A righ… Right to see my son!"
That did it. Something inside Johnny snapped. He opened the door and stepped outside. He stood high up on the porch with Two-Bit and watched his father stumble about in the street below.
"Johnny!" The old man threw his arms wide, he had tears running down his red face. "Johnny! The bitch up and left me! Can ya believe it!"
"Yeah Daddy." Johnny said coldly. "I believe it."
"You'll come home huh Sweetheart? You wouldn't leave your old man all alone would ya?" He slurred. "All alone in that house by himself!"
"You ain't my old man." Johnny said.
"W…What you say?" The man he called Daddy cocked his head to one side as the sound of Mary crying echoed within. "Ah… I re…Remember now." He said. "I'm sorry Son… I'm sorry I scared ya! I wasn't gonna h… Hurt the baby!"
Two-Bit moved a little closer to the porch steps, blocking any potential attack.
"I said I ain't your son!" Johnny yelled. "You said it yourself and it's true! I ain't your son and she ain't your daughter! And I know you! You… You tried to kill her! You… You monster! You tried to kill my SISTER!" He was yelling on top of his lungs, vaguely aware that the neighbours either side were poking their heads out of their doors. "You ain't touchin' me ever again and you ain't never touching her even once!"
He was shaking uncontrollably, his teeth chattering in his head so badly he could hardly speak. He took the switchblade out of his back pocket. He opened it and held it in front of him so the old bastard could see it glisten in the streetlight. "I…If If y...You EVER come near either of us again… I'll kill ya! Swear to God I'll do it! I won't even feel bad!"
The old man backed off a few steps. Eyes wide with rage and fear. "Why you… You're no better than your whore mother! Only good for one thing! I know what you get up to! I hear things! Iknow what you are you filthy little punk!" He fell in the dirt and dragged himself up again. "You'll end up just like her! Mark my words Johnny! You never were any good! You keep the little darkie! Two peas in a pod you deserve each other! " He began to slur and weep and he stumbled off into the night.
"Better'n ending up like you!" Johnny yelled after him.
Johnny's legs almost gave out as soon as he was out of sight and he clung to Two-Bit's arm as he went back inside. He could see Ponyboy had been terrified, he was pale as a sheet when he emerged from the bedroom with the baby crying her lungs out.
Later, when the other's were home they kept telling Johnny he was safe, but he jumped out of his skin every time he heard a noise all evening and he kept checking the door lock.
"The doors locked Johnny… So are the windows." Darry reminded him repleadedly and patiently.
"No one's gettin' in." Said Soda.
That night Two-Bit stayed over on the couch and Johnny was glad of it. He listened to Ponyboy's distressed dream breathing as he reached into the wash-basket, laid a hand on Mary's tiny body and left it there all night. Feeling her little stomach rise and fall.