Johnny Cade.

He felt like he was walking in a dream.

They emerged out of the cellar the next morning, tired, terrified and blinking in the sunlight. One by one they began to smile, some of them laughed. All three Curtis boys almost passed out to see their old house still standing. Sure, the wind had blown down the old tree and a few tiles were missing from the roof, but the twister had missed them. In fact it looked like the whole neighbourhood was clear.

Good thing Johnny guessed, he doubted his old man had insurance on their place. He wondered what would happen to it once the bastard went to prison. Would the bank take it? Would Johnny be allowed to inherit it? Then he wondered if his father would get the chair for murder or just life in prison... Then he tried to stop thinking at all.

Johnny felt like he might still be asleep... He felt himself get tackled into a bear hug by Dally and swung around as he jumped up and down in joy. But he barely felt it on the inside.

"Oh thank the Lord! Glory! It missed us!"

They began to cart all the stuff back into the house. Johnny carried Mary carefully into the bedroom and sat down on the bed with her in his arms. She stared up at him and sucked on her hand.

"Looks like we're alive Sis." He said softly. "Looks like you and I are the only Cades left." He wondered what it would be like for a little girl to grow up with no Mama. What he would have to tell her about their parents one day. Maybe now that they were both out of the picture he could make them new in his memory? He could invent a loving, gentle father and a happy, beautiful mother for her to believe in. Maybe he could tell her they died in a wreck like Ponyboy's parents.

He could hear voices from the other room. "I hope You're as lucky Buck." He heard Soda say

"We'd better get back and see. " Said Buck's gravelly voice, he heard footsteps and opened his eyes. Hattie was right there. She sat down beside him and put an arm around him. She didn't need to say a thing. He rested his head on her shoulder. Buck came in and put hand on Johnnys head.

"So long Kid." He tapped a fingertip to Marys nose "So long little lady."

"See ya later Buck." Johnny murmured. "Thanks for your help yesterday."

Hattie kissed him and the baby on the cheek and got up. "You remember to call on us again Johnny Cade." She said "Any time boy, you remember that... We're so sorry for your loss."

"Thanks Hattie I sure do appreciate it." He said, his throat closing up.

There was so much to do now. So much to deal with. The house, his old man, the cops… Probably more. He held Mary close and hummed All The Pretty Horses to her. He seemed to have a memory somewhere of his mother singing that to him. Long ago. He thought, in his memory she had a nice voice. Maybe it wasn't her… He'd tell Mary it was though

xxxxx

Several days later He sat slouched in the chair in the cop shop down town. A closed office with wall to wall carpet, arms crossed over his chest, a lock of greasy hair obscuring his big, dark, distrustful eyes.

The last time he'd seen that police officer he'd been told about his mother's murder and Johnny had passed out in the Curtis' living room...

It still felt like a dream… Nightmare. Ever since he'd felt not quite present, as though his feet didn't quite touch the ground when he walked.

For the record what's your name?

"Johnny Cade Sir."

And you are currently residing with the Curtis family on East Admiral?

"Yes Sir."

"And do you have any living family besides your father?"

"No Sir."

"Now Johnny." Officer Barrett began "You're aware that you are not under arrest and that you're only being questioned in connection with the case yes?

He nodded, biting his lip.

Ray nodded towards a middle aged colored woman who sat beside them with her notepad. "This is Mildred Jones of Child Services. She'll be joining us for the interview… Do you have any questions?"

Johnny shrugged, tensing up considerably at the mention of Child Services, he was sure they were noticing everything he did, every expression on his face. He felt horribly self conscious and wished Darry could have come inside the office with him. He was waiting for him out in the hall. He'd taken the day off work and all. That made Johnny feel even worse.

"Let's begin. Johnny, when was the last time you saw your Mother?"

A memory flashed through his mind. She was lying half naked on the filthy bed. She looked sick. So pale and covered in a sheen of sweat and blood, blood all over her... Lower half. And Johnny had been holding Mary, all slippery and screaming in his shaking hands.

He picked nervously at a thread on his cuff. "Um… I saw her around three weeks ago."

"Where?"

"At our house."

"What was she doing the last time you saw her?"

"Cookin'." He said. The cop looked for a moment at the social worker as if to say yeah sure.

"Cooking? What was she cooking?"

"Dinner." He said with a shrug and no elaboration. He didn't like the way they kept looking at each other. Like they knew something he didn't.

Yeah. He thought. You keep your thoughts to yourselves. I know what you folks think of me. Trash, greaser, You know I'm lyin'. I know you know I'm lyin' too.

"And what was your father doing when your mother was cooking dinner?"

Screaming at her, screaming and screaming and hitting her and then beating on Johnny when he threw himself between them, covering his mother and the baby with his own body.

"I dunno…" He shrugged "He wasn't there."

The cop sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. the universal signal for I've had just about enough of this kid. It made Johnny want to run for the door. "Johnny." The man said in a quiet voice. "Do you know what post mortem examination is?"

"Like on Dragnet." Johnny murmured "Yeah… I know what that is."

"Then you won't be surprised to learn that the coroner performed one on your late mother."

He shuddered at the thought of her dead on a slab, being cut open, her insides being poked around.

The cop stopped speaking, his face softened when he saw the look Johnny's. The social worker paused in her note taking and looked up at him with a frown. He continued. "Johnny the post mortem revealed that your mother had given birth shortly before she died, did you know that?"

He felt all the blood drain from his face, he couldn't speak and so he just shook his head. Don't ask… Please don't ask.

"Johnny… Did you know your mother was pregnant?"

He looked away at the ugly green wall, at the beige carpet... At his lap. His ears were ringing and he felt... Numb.

They can tell?

He though of all the blood she must have lost during the birth, all the injuries she must have had inside. He felt suddenly sick.

The cop clicked his tongue and reached across the desk. He put a hand on Johnny's arm, making him flinch. The hand rubbed up and down comfortingly. "There there Son. You're not going to get in any trouble for telling me the truth. No ones going to hurt you."

"…Can… Can I ask you a question?" He whispered.

"Sure you can."

"How did he..." He swallowed, blinking tears out of his eyes he hated the high pitch of his own voice as he fought his emotions "…How did she die?"

Officer Barrett shook his head "I don't think you need to know that Son."

"She was my Mother!" He choked. "I should know how she died!"

The man stared at Johnny sadly then, after a log pause he said "Exsangination."

Johnny stared at him. "Whats that mean?" He breathed.

"loss of blood."

He swallowed a scream, blinked his burning eyes. "She bled out?"

"That is correct."

"I should..." He said to himself before he could help it. "I should have been there."

"Where were you Son?"

"The empty lot." Running through the empty lot, clutching a tiny life under his jacket.

"Johnny…" He startled and looked up at Barrett. The man's face was drawn and sad, he didn't look like a hardass, but Johnny knew better than to trust cops. The social worker had stopped making notes and was just watching him like he was some kind of experiment. "She had recently given birth yet we found no infant, dead or alive."

"Maybe he killed her too." Johnny said softly.

"Barrett sighed. There are several possibilities: One." He held up a finger "Your mother gave birth at home when you weren't there, your father killed her and the baby and only disposed of one body, which seems unlikely. In this scenario your father would go to trial and probably be found guilty of double homicide… The second scenario is that she died giving birth the baby was stillborn or died on accident."

"Wh.. What would happen then?" He asked nervously.

If that were proven to be the case then your father hasn't committed any crime and would go free." He seemed to be really watching Johnny's face and Johnny wasn't sure if his expression was giving him away, but the idea of his old man out on the loose filled him with terror.

"Another one…" Said Barrett "You might have been there huh? Maybe Mom gave birth and you helped her? Maybe you didn't know what you were doing and accidents happen… No fault of yours but maybe things went wrong?"

"Wh… What do you mean?" He was confused. "I didn't let anyone die!" But you did, a voice in his head taunted. You left her alone with him.

"Did you help your Mom give birth Johnny? Because it seemed like someone did and I don't think it was your Dad."

"How do you know…?" He trailed off. He'd said too much.

"Someone cut the cord. Probably not your Mom after what she'd been through."

Johnny was getting angry now. "Don't… You can't accuse me of that! I… I would never…"

"There is a third scenario Johnny…" He said slowly. "Your mother gave birth and the baby survived." They both were just looking at him now... Like they knew. "And your father was there…"

Johnny said nothing, but he knew all his secrets were unravelling. He couldn't breathe properly. He knew he was gasping in fear and he couldn't stop it. He was wringing his hands without meaning to. He didn't even have to see their faces to know the hitch in his breath and the look on his face had already betrayed him.

"I'm right aren't I? Johnny? I think you're a good boy, better than you have any right to be in fact. I don't think you meant to hurt the baby. But newborns don't always survive. Is that what happened?"

He shook his head. "I'd never let anything happen to…" He snapped his mouth shut Shit! What have I done? Panic fluttered in his chest.

"To who Johnny? You said 'she' earlier, were you aware of that?"

Johnny felt his lip wobbling pathetically. I can't loose her, I can't! He choked on a sob. "I ain't never gonna let anything hurt her! I swear I take real good care of her! Honest!"

The women spoke for the first time, her voice was calm and deep in tone. "Johnny do you have a sister?"

He felt sick with himself, a greaser crying in front of a cop! Pathetic! He didn't bother to lie. How could I be so stupid?

"What's her name?" She asked, her voice was so gentle and Johnny knew it was a trap but he also knew the jig was up.

"Her name's Mary…" He whispered. "…She's three weeks old and she weighs five pounds…" He swallowed down his tears "…The doctor said she was a month early and that's why she's so small…But I think it's because Ma drank when she was pregnant… She's exactly sixteen and a half inches long and she drinks eighteen ounces of milk in a day…" He let out a shaky breath "She wakes up every four hours and she's mine! And I love her! And I won't let y'all take her to an orphanage!" He covered his face with his hands. This has to be a dream… This can't be real… This… He felt hands on his shoulders. He looked up into the social worker, Mildred's, face. She was crouched in front of his chair. Looking at him earnestly.

"You had the baby this whole time?"

"He was gonna kill her." He whispered. "We barely got away… I had to go… I had to... leave my Ma."

"We understand Johnny." Barrett said softly. "What happened to your Ma isn't your fault Son."

"You said you took the baby to a doctor?" She asked.

"Yeah." He nodded slowly "She had colic."

"You've been looking after her by yourself all this time?"

"Not alone." He whispered.

"Friends helping?"

"He nodded again, afraid to say more. Images of police and child services talking Pony and Soda away from Darry dancing in his mind.

"Johnny?" Barrett asked. He was standing now, behind the CPS lady and Johnny felt so trapped. "Did you father ever hurt you?"

He nodded. Wanting nothing more than to run.

"Often?"

He nodded again. Even though he wasn't watching them he knew they were looking at each other. Wondering what to do about him.

"Good Job Son… We're going to talk to Mr. Curtis now. If you wouldn't mind waiting outside for a moment."

He walked out like he was in a trance. Darry rose to his feet, concerned, when he saw him "Johnnycake? Are you alright?"

"They want to talk to you." He murmured leaning against the wall and closing his eyes. "Dar… You wouldn't have a weed would ya?"

"Sure Kid." Darry handed him a cigarette and lit it for him before he went into the office. For the first time in weeks Johnny smoked, with unsteady fingers, hoping it would steady his nerves. It felt like forever, he could hear the cadence of their voices rising and falling through the door and fought the urge to press his ear against it. He tried to count backwards from a hundred. He tried not to think.

Eventually Darry opened the door and walked out, he looked stiff, blank. Johnny wanted to scream. Darry put an arm around Johnny's shoulders as they walked out of the station. "Breathe." He told Johnny as they reached the truck. "Seriously Johnny you're gonna pass out of you don't breathe kid." He clicked his tongue in disapproval. "Let's get you home."

He drove slowly, humming softly to himself. But Johnny could see the tightness in his jaw, the tension around his eyes that aged him more than his 21 years.

"What did they say?" Johnny asked eventually, dreading the answer.

"A social worker is going to check in on us during the week… We'll see what they say then." He said, not taking his eyes off the road.

"Jesus Darry! They'll take Mary!" Johnny's heart was beating out of his chest "What if they take the boys away from you!?"

"Calm down." Darry said in an infuriatingly steady voice. "We don't know what they'll do… No use jumping to conclu…"

"It's all my fault!" Johnny whimpered. "Jesus Christ! Darry I've ruined everything!"

"Language Johnny!" He snapped "I told you to calm the hell down!" Johnny tried to slow his breathing without much success. "Panicking won't help nothin'! If you wanna know the truth they seemed more worried about you than Mary… They wanted to know if anyone was beaten' on ya."

Johnny gripped his knees and consciously counted to three between each breath. "Yeah? What you tell 'em?"

"Yeah… I told them the truth... Said not since your old man got put away… I got a little heated, asked them where the hell they'd been for you all these years? I told them I had the situation handled fine without them… They said we'll see."

"I think I'm gonna puke!" Johnny whimpered. Darry pulled over and let him open the door and throw up on the sidewalk. They were on the outskirts of town. It was quiet, approaching noon, no one but a few neighbourhood dogs around to see his humiliation.

Darry got out and ran around the car. He rubbed Johnny's back, making comforting sounds. "There…Easy…. That's it… You're OK Johnnycake."

"She..: Johnny gasped as he retched "They cut her open and looked inside her!" He felt Darry's hand go still on his back. After a while he stopped dry heaving and sat back into his seat. Darry sat back in beside him and offered him some water in an old coke bottle he always kept for the radiator.

Johnny rinsed his mouth and spat out the door. "They could tell she'd had a baby…" He said. "They said she died from losing too much blood… I reckon he must've stabbed her..."

"Shit… Johnny…" Darry rubbed his shoulder. "I'm so sorry Johnnycake."

"It don't matter none." Johnny said darkly, twisting his mouth reflexively. "She wasn't much of a mother to me."

"Oh Johnny!" Darry sounded for all the world like he was gonna cry. Johnny looked over at him, surprised to see the pained look on his face. "That doesn't mean you didn't love her."

"No I didn't!" Johnny denied adamantly shaking his head. "I didn't love the bitch! She was…" He closed his eyes and bit his lip so hard he was sure it would split. He dug his fingernails into his knees, letting the pain pull him even farther out of his head.

"She was a bitch." Darry sighed, wrapping an arm around him firmly "…And she was your Ma…" He gave him a little shake "...And you loved her… And that's OK."

Johnny tried to catch the first sob in this throat but it was too late and after that he couldn't stop. Darry just sat there holding him close and said "Thats right… Let it out… It's OK."

"I…I sh… Should have st…Stopped him!" Johnny wailed through his tears. "I knew how m…Mad he was!"

"Shhh… None of that!" Darry whispered. "You saved Mary… That's all you could do." He pulled Johnny into his chest and squeezed him tight. "That was enough Johnny...You did so good."

As he wept, the dream like, unreal feeling melted away. He pulled away and sat back into his seat, staring out the windshield. "She's gone Darry! "He said, feeling it in his heart for the first time "So is my Daddy! "Everything's changing and I'm so scared!"

"I know Kid." Darry murmured "I know better than anyone."

"How did you do it?"

"Slowly..." He said with shrug "...With baby steps… Took one thing at a time… Wasn't easy."

"Does this… Feeling ever go away?" Johnny asked, staring at the young man desperately. "I need to know it goes away Darry!"

"I wish I could tell you that it disappears completely... I can't tell you that... But... It does get a lot less frequent and less... Sharp." Darry said regretfully. "I promise."

Johnny nodded to himself. "OK then." He said, feeling empty inside.

"We're in this thing together Johnny… You do understand that don't you?"

"Yeah Dar."

"And no matter what happens I'll be there. Me and the rest of the guys…"

He nodded, no longer really hearing Darry as the car started and dirty streets went by. He tried not to think of Mary's little hands and feet, her soft hair and big, beautiful eyes.

He should stay positive, he knew. But hope wasn't something he was accustomed to feeling. Good things didn't happen to him often and when they did it wasn't never for long. He supposed it was just a matter of time before his glimpse of happiness was snatched away.

He had the guys though, that never changed. Who knows… Maybe we'll make a plan and everything will actually work out for once.

He dared to let himself hope.